Dog with a Blog (2012) s02e17 Episode Script

Mom, dad, we have an announcement.
You finally found the TV remote.
- Nope.
- I guess we have to keep reading.
We've decided on our present for your anniversary.
We're gonna throw you a second wedding.
Oh, my gosh, that is such a wonderful anniversary present.
- Isn't it, Bennett? - Uh.
We figured it was the least we could do since we ruined the first wedding.
And I just went along because Avery said come on, we're doing something in the kitchen, and I stupidly assumed it was eating.
Honey, we're gonna get to say the vows we never got to say the first time.
That's great, because my vows would've really blown you away.
My vows would've blown you into another dimension where plush toys rule the world, which doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's a dream I've been having lately, and it scares me.
Guys, vows aren't supposed to be a competition, and, for the record, I think we're all a little scared by the plush toy dream.
Of course it's not a competition.
I'm gonna make you so happy you married me.
I am gonna remarry that smug look right off your face.
Aw, I knew this would be the perfect anniversary gift.
I love weddings.
I had an owner once who was a florist, and I'd go with him to a lot of weddings, which is where I honed my skills as an under-the-table toastmaster.
To Nina and Isaac.
Let me pass on some tips for a happy marriage.
Every day, you should kiss each other, say "I love you," and scrape your leftovers under the table Starting now.
I'm serious.
What are you waiting for? Who is saying that? I don't know, but he sounds serious.
We'd better do it.
Yeah! This marriage is gonna work.
All right.
I think that we have everything we need here for the wedding, and since we're on a budget, I found a place that resells supplies from cancelled weddings.
Their motto is, "nobody objects to our prices.
" Okay, it isn't, but it should be.
I told them, and they're considering it.
Okay, we've got table settings, napkins, and place cards.
Oh, hey, can we invite Vicky and Steven Weintraub? - Who are they? - I don't know, but do you wanna use these place cards or not? And the best part, the box on the patio has old discount doves guaranteed to be too weary to fly away.
Their motto is, "Old doves for new loves.
" Okay, it isn't, but they're considering that one, too.
You still haven't told me how that first wedding got ruined.
I'd love to hear it, it'll take my mind off the discount doves I'm trying very hard not to eat.
I'm walking backwards toward the patio right now, aren't I? - Stan! - Sorry.
Anyway, if you wanna understand what happened at the wedding, we have to go back to the first time we all met.
This place used to be way cooler.
Dad, not so much.
Kids, come on.
My girlfriend Ellen and her daughter are gonna be here soon to meet you.
Can your girlfriend turn invisible like me? Watch.
Chloe? Where's Chloe? I'm right here, daddy.
Didn't mean to scare you.
So, sweetie, how do I look? What do you think of this tie? It's like the string for your balloon head.
Okay.
This is so weak.
Why do we have to dress up to meet your lame-o girlfriend? She is not a lame-o.
You need to look good because you only get one chance to make a first impression.
Oh glad I caught that.
Now tuck your shirt in.
Why are you always trying to change me? Because I'm your father, and there is stuff wrong with you.
Sorry I said that.
I'm just nervous.
And there is stuff wrong with you.
We'll compromise.
Half tuck behind the buckle.
- Great.
- Actually, that is great.
I think I'll call it the tuckle.
So that's where that came from.
It's like hearing the story of how those guys built that first personal computer in their garage, and then, tucked it into their underwear.
Okay, this is the place.
I'm so nervous.
Why am I so nervous? Well, let's see.
You're a pit sweater, you laugh like a donkey, and that wig makes you look like a mannequin.
You're not making me any less nervous, Avery.
No, but I did make you look less like a mannequin.
Ellen, you are as beautiful as a shakespearean sonnet.
Actually, Shakespeare didn't write anything attributed to him.
The 17th Earl of Oxford is the most likely Bennett, I'd like you to meet my perfectly normal daughter, Avery.
I'm not perfectly normal.
Though I'm also not a 60-year-old aging backwards as someone suggested.
Very nice to meet you.
Come on in.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
I would love for the two of you to meet my family.
Tyler, Chloe, this is Ellen and Avery.
You! Wait.
You two already knew each other? What-what? Amazing! Mind blown.
Continue.
You're the one who got me detention.
You're the one who did a stupid bike jump in the middle of school and ran over my backpack.
You can get another backpack.
I was wearing it.
Hey, look.
So you don't get along.
We can all change.
Look at me, I changed my hair.
Oh, your hair.
That's what's different about you.
You didn't notice? Of course I did.
I didn't know if you noticed.
Hello.
I'm Avery.
I'm Chloe.
Wanna play dolls? Can my doll be an executive at a big company who's contemplating a move to a smaller start-up where she can have more control? - Sure.
- Okay.
Look at that.
Chloe and Avery are getting along.
Let's focus on that and not the Tyler-Avery thing, and make the big life-changing announcement.
- Life-changing? - Big? What did your hair used to look like? Kids, after a whirlwind three-month romance, we are getting married.
We are gonna move in and all be a family together.
- My life's over.
- I'm dead.
I died.
Wow, I want to hear about how the animosity between you guys ruined the wedding.
I assume the tie are tied together, but how? How?! I'm on pins and needles.
Working on your vows, mommy? I'm having a breakthrough.
"Bennett, you are my Husband.
" That is a fact.
Good start.
Not, it's not.
Maybe you should just use the vows you didn't get to say at your disaster wedding.
Your daddy doesn't know this, but the disaster actually saved me.
I couldn't come up with any vows.
My back-up plan was to scream "zombies," and run out of the room.
Ask daddy for help.
He's a writer.
No, I can't.
I told him my vows were gonna blow him away.
Then I gave him an aquarium full of fish that said, "you're gonna get schooled.
" Now I have no vows, and a saltwater aquarium to maintain.
So I'm gonna go look at the fish now.
My vows don't even have to be great.
They just have to be better than your dad's.
If only I knew what he was writing.
Why don't you just spy on him? Oh, Chloe, I could never do that.
But since you brought it up He'll never know I'm there.
Hey, sweets, hon, please, not now.
Daddy's trying to write his vows, okay? Okay, why are your hands wet? I was petting fish.
Catfish don't purr Or have nine lives.
So how good are your vows? Are they gonna be better than mommy's? Not that I'm spying.
Chloe, did mommy send you to spy? Spies never tell what they're doing.
I just told you, didn't I? Oh, Avery just texted.
She's having trouble finding a decent used cake.
The only one so far is orange, and cone shaped.
Oh, the couple who cancelled their wedding met on a road crew.
Eesh, if your wedding cake signals "hazard ahead," maybe not a great sign, couple.
I'm still dying to hear the rest of that story.
Come on, tell me how you guys ruined the first wedding.
Right.
Where were we? Mom and dad had just announced they were gonna get married, and we were not happy.
I can't believe you're gonna be my step-sister.
You're such an uptight rule follower.
You might as well be wearing this tie.
You are just insufferable.
Whoa, that felt powerful.
This is like a little exclamation point to my head.
Oh, so that's when Avery first started wearing ties.
I always thought it was Ah, who am I kidding? I never thought about that.
I just can't believe I'm gonna be the step-sister of cousin itt.
I don't even get that reference.
And why would you? It's only classic television.
This generation.
Kids, it's gonna take flexibility and understanding on all our parts to make this new family work.
I'm gonna do my part living with this decor Which I love, wouldn't change a thing.
Am I right, burger clown? See, this guy gets it.
You have frogs in the house? I'm terrified of frogs.
If you're afraid of frogs, just become invisible like me.
That was me.
Listen, kids, we are gonna make this transition as smooth as we can.
Avery, I've already cleaned out my man cave so you can have your own room.
Best room in the house.
Oh, cool.
Thank you.
If someone's getting dad's man cave, it should be me.
Well, you kids work it out.
You want to let them work it out? As a child psychologist, I can assure you that they will bond best if they develop their own tools for conflict resolution.
That's right.
You're a child psychologist.
For some reason, I keep thinking you bid on unclaimed storage lockers.
This guy gets it.
I have no idea what to say for my vows.
You can use my speech from the last one if you want.
You mean just stand there staring out and going Think I'm too old for that.
Or maybe too young.
I didn't do that, did I? Sweetie, it's on the video.
Why did I just stand there making popping noises? - You said that you were a pop star.
- Does make sense.
But that wasn't a speech.
Why did everybody clap? Because someone told them to.
Clap, everybody.
Clap.
I am not going out like that.
I will do a great speech, and be the best thing at this new wedding.
That's just what I needed.
Another horse in this race.
Call of the wedding.
The dry cleaner shrunk my tux.
Stan, it's not black tie, and you're a dog.
You don't have to wear anything.
You still don't know what makes me tick, do you? Anyhoo, can you get back to your wacky wedding story? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It was the day of the wedding.
We were still fighting over who was gonna get the good bedroom.
I know.
We'll settle this the way they did during the klondike stampede of 1897.
Like I say to my history teacher, I have no idea what that is, and please don't explain it.
When gold was discovered in the Klondike, the rule was, whichever prospector got to an area first, could claim it for themselves.
So you explained it and told me a rule.
It just keeps getting worse.
So after the vows, we'll do the same thing.
The first one into the room gets it.
Deal.
Why didn't you just say we were racing? Why did you have to teach me something? Now I have to go do something stupid to get the smartness out of my head.
I can't think of anything.
I can't think of anything.
Yes, I'm back.
So when the wedding was underway, all Avery and I could think about was positioning ourselves for the race to the bedroom.
Okay, okay, this is really important.
Clap, everybody, clap.
How about that Chloe, huh? She just pops in whenever you need her.
Ha ha.
Yeah, good one, Ellen.
They laughed when he said "good one, Ellen.
" I'll have to remember that.
And remember it, she would.
I'm sorry, you're telling the story.
Continue.
And now, our bride and groom will read the vows that they've prepared.
- After you.
- No, please, after you.
The frogs, the frogs! Ellen! Wait, wait, wait.
Our wedding.
- I'm afraid of frogs.
- So am I, but I'm more afraid of being single.
Get back here and marry me.
- Do you? - Yes.
- Do you? - Yeah.
I now pronounce you husband and Frog! I'll take it.
Hey, guys, I got a cake half off.
Wait, Avery.
Tyler, I think I just realized something.
Frogs on the loose, people screaming.
One of my owners was a florist who would take me with him to weddings.
This one time, I sneaked out of his van.
Cool.
Cake all over the floor! Now a dog has wandered into the house.
I hate dogs as much as frogs.
Don't worry, honey.
We will never get a dog.
How dare you? Dogs are wonderful creatures.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up in your kitchen.
That's amazing.
You were at the wedding? And you were the one who threw up in the kitchen? Grandma got blamed for that.
Ah, let's not worry about who puked where.
So after the wedding got messed up, is that when you beat Tyler up to the room? Actually, I got there first, so it was my room.
But I gave it to Avery when I couldn't deal with all the horrible bathroom noises.
Oh! Come on! What? That's the quietest room in the house.
That's why I'm always in there.
Oh, and because I love our talks.
Love our talks.
Oh, my gosh.
I forgot, Tyler.
You thought those bathroom noises were real.
Okay, you're gonna think this is funny.
Those weren't bathroom noises.
I tricked you with a recording I made of an elephant giving birth.
You tricked me? I gave up the good room, and I've been potty quiet for nothing? I know.
It's hilarious.
No, it isn't.
That room should be mine.
Instead, I'm stuck in a tiny room next to mom and dad.
Mom wakes me up every morning screaming through the wall, "don't be late for school!" For the first four months, I thought the house was haunted by a very punctual ghost.
I can't believe you would do that to me.
I don't know why you're so upset.
It was two years ago.
But I'm just finding out about it now.
It's like it just happened, and even if it happened two years ago, it's been happening every day since then, because you've kept the room.
You still have the room.
It's still happening.
I'm sorry you feel that way, but to me, it was something that happened back when we both hated each other.
You're right.
We were different back then.
You were sobbier, I was dumber, but I thought we had a salutary influence on each other.
Because of you, I now say things like salutary influence.
- I used that correctly, right? - Yes.
Good, 'cause I wasn't sure for a sec.
The point is, I thought we were friends.
I feel bad about this.
I thought he'd think it was funny.
You know what the worst part is? You just know he's gonna stop being potty quiet.
Hey, kid.
Stan, I am freaking out about my speech.
It's gotta be really good this time.
I'm not some five-year-old running around making crazy mouth noises.
As fun as that is.
What have you got so far? Here's my opening joke.
Got big laughs in school today.
Booger.
Booger.
Classic.
Let me give you a tip from my days as an under-the-table toastmaster.
And if you have to do comedy, use food, preferably pickles.
It's the funniest food.
No one knows why.
Now you tell me.
I've been practicing with these all day.
Baby corn, mommy corn.
Where's daddy? Remember that popcorn we had last night? So, mom, what do you think? Oh, sweetie, this is such a lovely anniversary present you kids put together for us.
And I think I finally figured out my vows.
Tell me what you think.
Our love is like a gift, and every gift needs wrapping.
And speaking of rapping, oh, you're not gonna rap your vows, are you? No! No.
Not anymore.
Hey, Tyler, what do you think about me referring to mom as "my twinkle-eyed muse"? I think it'd be funny.
Is that what you were going for? Hey, Tyler.
I've been thinking about it, and I understand why you're upset.
I get how this feels like it just happened now, and it's been wrong of me to keep the room these past two years.
And you're right about how we've influenced each other.
You've helped me be more chill-ified.
Because of you, I now say things like chill-ified.
I've never said chill-ified.
I know.
I made it up.
Because of you, I now make up words not just based on Latin roots.
And we are friends.
Sorry that I didn't treat you like one.
I want you to have the room back.
Thanks, Avery.
That's fair.
After the wedding, I'll move my stuff in.
Okay.
And I'll go into what will now be my room and vacuum all the hair out of the carpet.
There's no carpet in there.
But it's wall to wall.
To begin the ceremony, we'll hear from the youngest member of the Jennings-James family, Chloe.
Hi.
Two years ago, when mommy and daddy got married, I got a family that I love more than anything.
Especially how we forgive each other, and give each other a chance to fix our mistakes.
Just like I'm getting another chance to do my speech, because my family loves me, even when I mess up.
Thank you.
Booger.
I knew that would work.
Thank you, Chloe.
We're gathered here today You know, Chloe's right.
We forgive each other.
You can keep the room.
No, she's also right about getting a chance to fix our mistakes.
I made a mistake.
It's your room now.
Avery, please, just let me be the bigger person here.
You can't be the bigger person.
I'm always the bigger person, except for physically, which is why my emotional size is that much more important to me.
My emotional size is important to me, too.
I didn't know I had one until two seconds ago, but now, it's all I care about.
See how emotionally big I am? Forget it, Tyler.
I am going up to your room right now, and I'm taking all my stuff out.
- Oh, no, you're not.
- Yeah, I am.
No, you're not.
The frogs! The frogs! Ellen! Where did these frogs come from? From me.
I got you frogs to replace the ones you got rid of for me two years ago.
Really? Oh, honey, that is so thoughtful.
Bennett, let's not even say our vows.
They would never top what Chloe said.
Even though mine would've kicked yours' butt.
You don't have anything, do you? No, I don't.
I win because I have you.
Eh? You don't have anything either.
No, I do not.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
I really enjoyed hearing the story of how the kids met each other, and how much they've grown into a real family.
And Tyler and Avery decided that Avery will keep her room until she goes off to college.
Then Tyler will get it until he finishes high school.
And the best part of the wedding redo was the under-the-table toast.
Ellen, Bennett, you're inspiring, the way you've brought this family together.
Just remember, the key to a successful marriage is never go to bed angry, listen to each other, and if he scratches on the door late at night, let him out.
He just has to pee.
I love you guys.
Who was that, Bennett? Probably someone from your side of the family.