Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 s02e17 Episode Script
Using People...
and the layers are peeled back, you can start to see your friends in a different light.
Sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they don't.
Allen.
You're talking to me instead of spreading rumors that I'm bi.
Well, look, in my defense, I only did that because you called me a fat beast behind my back.
I never called you a fat beast.
I was say-- It's okay, June.
I'm over it.
Seriously.
And in the spirit of forgiveness, I'd like to invite you someplace that's very special to me.
I would love to.
I mean, that is so great of you to be the bigger person.
I'd love to.
to see me take a chip for 60 days of abstinence.
Oh, Allen.
That is great.
I'm so glad you invited me to your overeaters anonymous meeting.
This is an alcoholics anonymous meeting.
If you must know, I have one day of abstinence in o.
A.
, as I destroyed some mongolian barbecue last night after a difficult conversation with my roommate.
Welcome.
We'll be starting today's meeting with one of our favorite speakers.
I'm Chloe, and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Chloe.
I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch but I can tell you (whispers) She's a (buzzer) Ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba so I picked myself up, and I wiped the guacamole and blood off my shorts, and I told Julianna margulies that I would pay to fix her nephew's teeth.
It works if you work it.
So work it, because you are worth it! June! Of course you're here.
Good for you.
I guess I always knew you had a drinking problem and I just didn't wanna see it.
What are you doing here? What are you talking about? This is an A.
A.
Meeting.
I'm in A.
A.
It'll be three years and eight months in April, god willing.
How are you in A.
A.
? you are always drinking.
Oh, I'm not in A.
A.
Because I'm sober.
I'm in it because it's the best place to tell my crazy, wild drinking stories to an audience who actually appreciates them.
It's like how black comedians get the biggest laughs from black people, whereas white people be all like "What's he talking about? Can I have another Shirley Temple?" Right, Gerald? You get it.
Oh, I also take the booze from alcoholics who are actually still struggling.
Free booze! Come on, June.
I'm always drinking.
That isn't cheap.
Chloe, I can't believe you.
You should be ashamed of yourself, using these innocent people.
They're not that innocent.
Randall over there, he did 14 jager bombs and took his kid on a boat.
Bad news--He lost custody of his kid.
Good news--Kept custody of his boat.
What's up, saint Lucia? Know what I mean? Donnie, hey.
Superstar! How's it hangin'? How's your Dong hangin'? Any news? Have you heard about the scorsese movie I'm up for? No decision yet, but I heard you're on the short list.
That's amazing.
Well, don't get excited just yet.
Marty's concerned you're a little lightweight.
Lightweight? That you're not deep enough for the role.
He likes to cast actors who have been through trauma-- Suicide attempts, jail time.
Mark wahlberg was in "The departed," and he beat a vietnamese man half-Blind.
Well, I-I've had trauma.
I-- one time, my bank sent me checks without spaces between the "Van," the "Der," and the "Beek.
" Don't worry about it.
Marty's a fan.
You're still in the mix.
okay.
I guess.
Also, unrelated, I'm letting all my clients in on something.
We got some news about my wife's health, and-- Lightweight? like she just did a good deed.
She is a piece of work.
See anyone famous there? Obviously, I can't tell you that, but I will tell you that I'll never be able to watch "Night court" The same way again.
I know who it is.
I know who you're talking about.
Okay, there you go.
Your new phone is all set up.
Thank you, Mark.
I hate technological stuff.
I'm so bad at it.
No problem.
I noticed most of your photos are 2-Second long videos.
My mom does the same thing.
It's cute.
Hey, Mark, I've told you about my friend Marisa, right? The one I had the secret language with when we were briefly lesbians together At chico State? D-The g-Oo yuh-The g-Oo r-The-Guh m-The g-Em b-The g-Er? Do you remember? I've tried to erase it from my head, but yep, it's still in there.
Okay, well, I wanna set you up with her.
She is smart.
She is cute.
She has a great sense of humor.
Pepper, Mark doesn't wanna be set up with some-- You know what? Why not? It has been a while since Jennifer and I broke up.
I'll do it.
Yay! I'm gonna call that Hooker.
Okay.
Do you really wanna go on a date with a friend of Pepper's? Yeah, I guess so.
I mean, it's not like I got anything else going on, right? Yeah.
Ah.
No, you don't have anything else.
Ho-Ho! I haven't heard you laugh like that.
Yeah, me neither.
Hi, Michael.
I did something horrible four years ago, and now I feel like I'm able to talk about it.
I went out to buy a pack of cigarettes I got news.
I'm on the short list for a Martin scorsese movie.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
But apparently, I guess he's concerned that I'm not deep enough for the role.
and I thought I could see out the rearview mirror, but my dog, he couldn't see me.
but I've been thinking, maybe I don't have life experience that's deep enough, but I have something even better-- Incredible acting talent.
I'll just pretend to be deep.
You are so good at pretending.
Right? So I'm thinking what I should do is probably talk to people who have had traumatic life experiences.
So where do I find people like that? best friend, "All dogs go to heaven, meemo!" "All dogs.
" Oh! duh.
I'll go get one of those glazed doughnuts.
I always brainstorm best on a full tummy.
All right, let's hear it for Michael.
Doug, you're up.
Bum us out.
Thanks so much for helping me set up my new desk, Mark.
I bought it online from this hungarian company.
And the words in the instructions are almost consonants.
Well, it's a good thing I know hungarian.
You do? Nope.
Just feel pressured to help.
Saved another life! Oh, June, you know him.
It's your coworker Allen.
Chloe, you can't tell me that.
It's an anonymous program.
Oh! I see why I've been confused.
Yeah, apparently instruction zor comes before instruction octh.
What is wrong with you? You can't keep using these people.
I'm not using them.
They have to get rid of their booze anyway, so in a way, I'm helping.
I'm saving lives.
I'm like a doctor.
They need this program.
It's very important to them.
You can't take advantage of it for your own selfish gain.
Listen, I fully support what these people are doing.
I think it's great.
I love people that don't drink.
Shorter line at the bar.
But while we are pointing fingers, you are the one that's using someone-- Dramatic pause-- that guy in the other room.
What are you talking about? You know that Mark likes you, but you're still having him do favors-- Setting up your iphone, putting together your desk, pointing out when your mascara collects in your eye corners, which I can tell he hasn't done yet today.
Come on.
I am not using Mark.
I'm not even sure if he likes me.
He's never told me that himself.
I only heard it secondhand from James.
Oh, no, it's True.
I like you a lot.
Told ya.
you like me.
Yeah, I do.
I-I've been wanting to bring it up with you for a while, but I didn't know how.
And, well, I guess it's out now.
Yeah, I guess so.
Where did that come from? Who's throwing condoms? So, um, Mark, you know how much I care about you a-as a friend.
I know.
I kinda thought that was what you were gonna say, which is probably why I've been nervous to say anything.
So we can stay friends? Of course.
All good.
No worries.
Can someone hand me my condom back, please? Okay, good.
And you don't feel like--like I'm using you, right? I like doing stuff for you.
Are you sure? Yeah, it's totally cool.
Now I gotta go buy a hungarian dictionary.
Hungarian dictionary store.
I found four gay bars near you similar to that name.
June, take a seat.
Sit.
Sit down.
Sit.
Rest.
I'm sitting.
Oh, wonderful.
Have you ever thought that you have Mark do things for you because you like having him around? Because you like seeing him? Because you like him? What are you talking about? I just needed help.
From only him? Every time? Always Mark? I'm suggesting here that you like Mark but you're not admitting it to yourself.
Don't be ridiculous.
Mark is my friend.
I don't like him any more than that.
You are talking crazy right now.
You are drunk.
Oh, yeah.
I have to get to A.
A.
Thank you for reminding me.
Stand up.
Stand.
Stand up.
You're on my purse! Oh.
Sorry.
I thought my husband would never find out, but he opened up my closet door, and there I was Clutching the bottle.
Excuse me.
Can you, uh, describe to me what that looked like? Specifically, what were you doing with your hands? And could you talk a little louder, please? I don't know if it's the shame or what, but your voice is extremely soft.
My turn! I wanna tell one! So I was in a full-On blackout at family fun day with Julianna margulies.
Um excuse me? Allen, can you stop texting? That's really rude.
I'm sorry.
I've just heard you tell this one before.
What do you mean you've heard me tell this one before? Julianna margulies, blood, guacamole.
You mean I'm repeating drinking stories? Have I run out of material? Okay, I need to hear from somebody who's had some actual trauma.
Who's had trauma? Trauma? Tra--Anybody? You, sir.
Judging by the amount of denim you're wearing, I bet you've been through some rough stuff.
Go.
Wait a minute.
Luther? No.
Oh, yes.
Mnh-Mnh.
Is everything okay between us? Look, I'm glad I glad I finally told you how I feel, and if you're not feeling it, it's better I know now.
Good, because our friendship is really important to me.
And, of course, I don't expect you to finish putting together my desk.
I'm doing it myself.
But I was gonna ask you if you could separate these bad boys? I was angry and I forced it.
Mark, good news.
Marisa is in.
She wants to go out this saturday night at 8:00.
Oh.
Okay, yeah, that works for me.
Ho-Ho! Ho-Ho! You okay, June? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's just, um so hot.
I could actually Sue you, this coffee's so hot.
in addition to being an amazing deejay, Marisa also bakes.
Wow.
She sounds like the whole package.
Oh, god! It's so hot! Why is it so hot? it, like, burned the roof of my mouth.
I had a roof, like, a minute ago.
Is everything okay? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Everything is fine.
Do you mind if I go out with Marisa on saturday night? Huh? Do I mind? Because if you did mind I guess then I would wonder why you mind, since we're just friends.
Yeah.
That'd be weird if I minded.
But I don't, so we don't have to worry about that.
Great.
With research Analysis from harkin.
You're so good with numbers.
And I need help from you, and I need it saturday at 8:00.
Really? The exact time you need my help is when I'm supposed to go out on a date.
Yes.
You sure? Yeah.
I am.
Okay.
Then saturday at 8:00 it is.
Pepper, I'm gonna have to cancel the date with Marisa.
I'm sorry.
Well, that's a bummer.
But thankfully, Marisa is extremely emotionally stable, so she's not gonna get too upset about it.
Just the right amount of sad.
Okay, you need to put down your fiber stix One and look at this immediately.
Luther, I'm not gonna watch you put your finger over actresses' faces and come up with Puns for their names, okay? "Whitney Thumbings"? No.
This.
You were "Spotted" Coming out of an A.
A.
Meeting.
Damn it! Why can't the paparazzi ever catch me when I look cool, like when I'm giving a Shorter guy directions? Mm.
Oh.
Donnie, I can explain.
Explain what? How you're a genius? Don't bother, captain fantastic.
I already know.
Marty heard about you being in A.
A.
, and he's happy you're flawed and tortured.
You're now on the short short list.
That's amazing! Thank you, Donnie.
Of course.
You deserve it.
Also, I wanted to keep you up to speed on this thing with my wife.
Turns out it's not just her thyroid.
It's h-- I'm the best! "Jada Pinkie SMITH.
" Can it wait? I'm brainstorming wild drinking stories with Eli.
I need to come with something new and outrageous for A.
A.
I'm losing my audience! What about this-- end a drunken fight at a grocery store by throwing up all over the plums? Why are all of your idea food-Related? Are you hungry? You know what? I am peckish.
Maybe some beef? Like in a shape? Like shaped beef? This is important! I do like Mark! Mm.
I sabotaged his date with another girl because the idea of him going out with someone else triggered something in me that I didn't know was there.
Mm-hmm.
He's your Mark, and no one else can have him.
Her whore hands Running through his fuzzy, cute hair.
"I like your hair!" Shut up! I hate your voice! I like Mark I guess as more than a friend.
What do I do? I'm gonna ask you a question that I ask all of my sober sisters-- What are you afraid of? Well I mean, this is all so new.
And he probably thinks I'm crazy Mm.
Because last night I told him I liked him as a friend, and today I sabotaged his date.
And, I mean, I'm all mixed Messages.
Look, if there's one thing I have learned from pretending to be sober in A.
A.
For three and a half years, it's always be authentic.
Let your walls down, June.
Grab a bat and start Swingin' until those bricks come tumbling down.
Eli, that's it! I've got my story! Go on, girl! Get it! I need to be authentic and honest about how I feel.
And Mark and I need to have a good, long talk.
Well, I feel better.
Yeah.
I'm glad we finally did that.
And the next thing I know, we're having Sex.
So you started talking with your mouth and you ended talking with your genitals.
I have to say, June, I'm deeply impressed.
It was awful.
Yes, I know.
It can be emotionally confusing and Awful and terrible.
No, no, no.
I don't mean emotionally awful.
I mean the sex itself was literally mechanically awful.
I'm talking about people who don't even know What sex is.
Like, bad, sweaty, clunky, sex.
Like two babies having intercourse.
Gross, June! Why'd you have to put that image in my head? I'm about to go to little league.
That's my new Crazy story for A.
A.
I'm gonna cause a drunken scene at little league, kiss a father, and then grab a metal bat out of a kid's hand and just start swingin'.
I just kinda thought we should talk about what happened.
No, it's great.
I'm glad to see you.
This is what breaks are for.
Yeah! So we did it.
Yeah.
That was surprising.
Yeah.
You telling me you like me and then climbing on top of me did not see that coming.
Me neither.
Guess I got caught up in the moment.
and what a moment.
It was fantastic.
It was fantastic.
It was fantastic sex.
It was! I completely agree.
That was some fantastic sex.
It was awful.
Thank god you said it.
I totally agree.
It was awful! So bad! So bad! I mean, and-- But why was it so bad? I mean, we like each other.
It should've been good.
I know! It--it was my fault.
I had just eaten a whole bunch of salt and Pepper shrimp at hop song.
I was puffy.
No, it was my fault.
I had to pee the whole time.
I was trying to hold it in.
That's where my focus was.
I had to pee, too! Do you think it was just some--Some weird fluke? Maybe.
Do you think we should try it again? We have to.
Right? Yeah.
We have to.
Let's do it.
Good.
And this time, let's both pee before We make love.
Yeah.
Terrible.
Awful.
Maybe some wine would help take the edge off? Terrible.
Awful.
Maybe we should mix things up, get a little racy, do it in a public place.
That was still terrible.
That squirrel is staring at us.
Maybe we should try to get a little racy indoors? Worse and worse.
Okay, enough.
You guys have been having bad sex, and I'm tired of having to hear it with my ear pressed up against the wall.
It is intervention time.
So as they say in A.
A.
, aren't you sick and tired of being sick and tired? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing Over and over and expecting a different result.
Chloe's right.
I think the moment I finally reached bottom was the moment I decided to stop digging.
Zip it, James.
You're not deep.
I had started making a huge drunken scene at a little league Game, then this one shows up on his A.
A.
High horse and takes the bat out of my hand and Totally story-Blocks me.
One of the biggest directors in the world thinks that I've been where you are, okay? Until he gives me that role, I'm gonna keep on Wrestling my demons.
You're not really in A.
A.
! neither are you.
I'm more of a fake alcoholic than you are.
No, nobody is better at pretending than I am.
Okay? I'm in a guild of pretenders.
Ugh.
I need a drink.
Stop sexing.
It doesn't work.
Sometimes you really want something, but it's not meant to be.
You need to have the courage to accept the things you cannot change.
don't listen to them.
We'll just keep trying until we get it right.
Let's keep trying.
Absolutely.
Okay.
are you Crying? I'm just so tired.
And the sex is just so bad! It's all I wanted for so long, and it should be good, but it just isn't.
I know.
It's like, in theory, things should work between us.
But in reality, they just don't.
And, I mean, sex is a very important part of a relationship.
Maybe we're just not compatible in that way.
Yeah.
maybe not.
I'm afraid if we keep trying to make this work and it doesn't, it's gonna ruin our friendship.
That's too important to me.
It's really important to me.
Maybe for right now, we're better off as friends.
Yeah.
Good friends.
You okay with that? Absolutely.
And hey, if it's okay with you, maybe I will go on that date with Pepper's friend Marisa.
Yeah.
I think that is a good idea.
Hey! I didn't do my weird "Ho-Ho!" laugh.
That's great! Yeah.
Yeah, so it sounds like this Marisa Chick is a bit of a firecracker.
If I could just get my pants on first thank you.
What the hell was that? Hey.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Harold?! Harold! Ugh! Hold my camera, Janine.
Harold, get away from that woman! I'm crazy! What-- stay back! You get away from him, you slut! Ma'am.
Ma'am, please.
Please.
Slut! Slut! wah! They're gonna love this in A.
A.
! aah! What is wrong with you?! I think she's drunk.
She is--No, you--
Sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they don't.
Allen.
You're talking to me instead of spreading rumors that I'm bi.
Well, look, in my defense, I only did that because you called me a fat beast behind my back.
I never called you a fat beast.
I was say-- It's okay, June.
I'm over it.
Seriously.
And in the spirit of forgiveness, I'd like to invite you someplace that's very special to me.
I would love to.
I mean, that is so great of you to be the bigger person.
I'd love to.
to see me take a chip for 60 days of abstinence.
Oh, Allen.
That is great.
I'm so glad you invited me to your overeaters anonymous meeting.
This is an alcoholics anonymous meeting.
If you must know, I have one day of abstinence in o.
A.
, as I destroyed some mongolian barbecue last night after a difficult conversation with my roommate.
Welcome.
We'll be starting today's meeting with one of our favorite speakers.
I'm Chloe, and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Chloe.
I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch but I can tell you (whispers) She's a (buzzer) Ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba so I picked myself up, and I wiped the guacamole and blood off my shorts, and I told Julianna margulies that I would pay to fix her nephew's teeth.
It works if you work it.
So work it, because you are worth it! June! Of course you're here.
Good for you.
I guess I always knew you had a drinking problem and I just didn't wanna see it.
What are you doing here? What are you talking about? This is an A.
A.
Meeting.
I'm in A.
A.
It'll be three years and eight months in April, god willing.
How are you in A.
A.
? you are always drinking.
Oh, I'm not in A.
A.
Because I'm sober.
I'm in it because it's the best place to tell my crazy, wild drinking stories to an audience who actually appreciates them.
It's like how black comedians get the biggest laughs from black people, whereas white people be all like "What's he talking about? Can I have another Shirley Temple?" Right, Gerald? You get it.
Oh, I also take the booze from alcoholics who are actually still struggling.
Free booze! Come on, June.
I'm always drinking.
That isn't cheap.
Chloe, I can't believe you.
You should be ashamed of yourself, using these innocent people.
They're not that innocent.
Randall over there, he did 14 jager bombs and took his kid on a boat.
Bad news--He lost custody of his kid.
Good news--Kept custody of his boat.
What's up, saint Lucia? Know what I mean? Donnie, hey.
Superstar! How's it hangin'? How's your Dong hangin'? Any news? Have you heard about the scorsese movie I'm up for? No decision yet, but I heard you're on the short list.
That's amazing.
Well, don't get excited just yet.
Marty's concerned you're a little lightweight.
Lightweight? That you're not deep enough for the role.
He likes to cast actors who have been through trauma-- Suicide attempts, jail time.
Mark wahlberg was in "The departed," and he beat a vietnamese man half-Blind.
Well, I-I've had trauma.
I-- one time, my bank sent me checks without spaces between the "Van," the "Der," and the "Beek.
" Don't worry about it.
Marty's a fan.
You're still in the mix.
okay.
I guess.
Also, unrelated, I'm letting all my clients in on something.
We got some news about my wife's health, and-- Lightweight? like she just did a good deed.
She is a piece of work.
See anyone famous there? Obviously, I can't tell you that, but I will tell you that I'll never be able to watch "Night court" The same way again.
I know who it is.
I know who you're talking about.
Okay, there you go.
Your new phone is all set up.
Thank you, Mark.
I hate technological stuff.
I'm so bad at it.
No problem.
I noticed most of your photos are 2-Second long videos.
My mom does the same thing.
It's cute.
Hey, Mark, I've told you about my friend Marisa, right? The one I had the secret language with when we were briefly lesbians together At chico State? D-The g-Oo yuh-The g-Oo r-The-Guh m-The g-Em b-The g-Er? Do you remember? I've tried to erase it from my head, but yep, it's still in there.
Okay, well, I wanna set you up with her.
She is smart.
She is cute.
She has a great sense of humor.
Pepper, Mark doesn't wanna be set up with some-- You know what? Why not? It has been a while since Jennifer and I broke up.
I'll do it.
Yay! I'm gonna call that Hooker.
Okay.
Do you really wanna go on a date with a friend of Pepper's? Yeah, I guess so.
I mean, it's not like I got anything else going on, right? Yeah.
Ah.
No, you don't have anything else.
Ho-Ho! I haven't heard you laugh like that.
Yeah, me neither.
Hi, Michael.
I did something horrible four years ago, and now I feel like I'm able to talk about it.
I went out to buy a pack of cigarettes I got news.
I'm on the short list for a Martin scorsese movie.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
But apparently, I guess he's concerned that I'm not deep enough for the role.
and I thought I could see out the rearview mirror, but my dog, he couldn't see me.
but I've been thinking, maybe I don't have life experience that's deep enough, but I have something even better-- Incredible acting talent.
I'll just pretend to be deep.
You are so good at pretending.
Right? So I'm thinking what I should do is probably talk to people who have had traumatic life experiences.
So where do I find people like that? best friend, "All dogs go to heaven, meemo!" "All dogs.
" Oh! duh.
I'll go get one of those glazed doughnuts.
I always brainstorm best on a full tummy.
All right, let's hear it for Michael.
Doug, you're up.
Bum us out.
Thanks so much for helping me set up my new desk, Mark.
I bought it online from this hungarian company.
And the words in the instructions are almost consonants.
Well, it's a good thing I know hungarian.
You do? Nope.
Just feel pressured to help.
Saved another life! Oh, June, you know him.
It's your coworker Allen.
Chloe, you can't tell me that.
It's an anonymous program.
Oh! I see why I've been confused.
Yeah, apparently instruction zor comes before instruction octh.
What is wrong with you? You can't keep using these people.
I'm not using them.
They have to get rid of their booze anyway, so in a way, I'm helping.
I'm saving lives.
I'm like a doctor.
They need this program.
It's very important to them.
You can't take advantage of it for your own selfish gain.
Listen, I fully support what these people are doing.
I think it's great.
I love people that don't drink.
Shorter line at the bar.
But while we are pointing fingers, you are the one that's using someone-- Dramatic pause-- that guy in the other room.
What are you talking about? You know that Mark likes you, but you're still having him do favors-- Setting up your iphone, putting together your desk, pointing out when your mascara collects in your eye corners, which I can tell he hasn't done yet today.
Come on.
I am not using Mark.
I'm not even sure if he likes me.
He's never told me that himself.
I only heard it secondhand from James.
Oh, no, it's True.
I like you a lot.
Told ya.
you like me.
Yeah, I do.
I-I've been wanting to bring it up with you for a while, but I didn't know how.
And, well, I guess it's out now.
Yeah, I guess so.
Where did that come from? Who's throwing condoms? So, um, Mark, you know how much I care about you a-as a friend.
I know.
I kinda thought that was what you were gonna say, which is probably why I've been nervous to say anything.
So we can stay friends? Of course.
All good.
No worries.
Can someone hand me my condom back, please? Okay, good.
And you don't feel like--like I'm using you, right? I like doing stuff for you.
Are you sure? Yeah, it's totally cool.
Now I gotta go buy a hungarian dictionary.
Hungarian dictionary store.
I found four gay bars near you similar to that name.
June, take a seat.
Sit.
Sit down.
Sit.
Rest.
I'm sitting.
Oh, wonderful.
Have you ever thought that you have Mark do things for you because you like having him around? Because you like seeing him? Because you like him? What are you talking about? I just needed help.
From only him? Every time? Always Mark? I'm suggesting here that you like Mark but you're not admitting it to yourself.
Don't be ridiculous.
Mark is my friend.
I don't like him any more than that.
You are talking crazy right now.
You are drunk.
Oh, yeah.
I have to get to A.
A.
Thank you for reminding me.
Stand up.
Stand.
Stand up.
You're on my purse! Oh.
Sorry.
I thought my husband would never find out, but he opened up my closet door, and there I was Clutching the bottle.
Excuse me.
Can you, uh, describe to me what that looked like? Specifically, what were you doing with your hands? And could you talk a little louder, please? I don't know if it's the shame or what, but your voice is extremely soft.
My turn! I wanna tell one! So I was in a full-On blackout at family fun day with Julianna margulies.
Um excuse me? Allen, can you stop texting? That's really rude.
I'm sorry.
I've just heard you tell this one before.
What do you mean you've heard me tell this one before? Julianna margulies, blood, guacamole.
You mean I'm repeating drinking stories? Have I run out of material? Okay, I need to hear from somebody who's had some actual trauma.
Who's had trauma? Trauma? Tra--Anybody? You, sir.
Judging by the amount of denim you're wearing, I bet you've been through some rough stuff.
Go.
Wait a minute.
Luther? No.
Oh, yes.
Mnh-Mnh.
Is everything okay between us? Look, I'm glad I glad I finally told you how I feel, and if you're not feeling it, it's better I know now.
Good, because our friendship is really important to me.
And, of course, I don't expect you to finish putting together my desk.
I'm doing it myself.
But I was gonna ask you if you could separate these bad boys? I was angry and I forced it.
Mark, good news.
Marisa is in.
She wants to go out this saturday night at 8:00.
Oh.
Okay, yeah, that works for me.
Ho-Ho! Ho-Ho! You okay, June? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's just, um so hot.
I could actually Sue you, this coffee's so hot.
in addition to being an amazing deejay, Marisa also bakes.
Wow.
She sounds like the whole package.
Oh, god! It's so hot! Why is it so hot? it, like, burned the roof of my mouth.
I had a roof, like, a minute ago.
Is everything okay? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Everything is fine.
Do you mind if I go out with Marisa on saturday night? Huh? Do I mind? Because if you did mind I guess then I would wonder why you mind, since we're just friends.
Yeah.
That'd be weird if I minded.
But I don't, so we don't have to worry about that.
Great.
With research Analysis from harkin.
You're so good with numbers.
And I need help from you, and I need it saturday at 8:00.
Really? The exact time you need my help is when I'm supposed to go out on a date.
Yes.
You sure? Yeah.
I am.
Okay.
Then saturday at 8:00 it is.
Pepper, I'm gonna have to cancel the date with Marisa.
I'm sorry.
Well, that's a bummer.
But thankfully, Marisa is extremely emotionally stable, so she's not gonna get too upset about it.
Just the right amount of sad.
Okay, you need to put down your fiber stix One and look at this immediately.
Luther, I'm not gonna watch you put your finger over actresses' faces and come up with Puns for their names, okay? "Whitney Thumbings"? No.
This.
You were "Spotted" Coming out of an A.
A.
Meeting.
Damn it! Why can't the paparazzi ever catch me when I look cool, like when I'm giving a Shorter guy directions? Mm.
Oh.
Donnie, I can explain.
Explain what? How you're a genius? Don't bother, captain fantastic.
I already know.
Marty heard about you being in A.
A.
, and he's happy you're flawed and tortured.
You're now on the short short list.
That's amazing! Thank you, Donnie.
Of course.
You deserve it.
Also, I wanted to keep you up to speed on this thing with my wife.
Turns out it's not just her thyroid.
It's h-- I'm the best! "Jada Pinkie SMITH.
" Can it wait? I'm brainstorming wild drinking stories with Eli.
I need to come with something new and outrageous for A.
A.
I'm losing my audience! What about this-- end a drunken fight at a grocery store by throwing up all over the plums? Why are all of your idea food-Related? Are you hungry? You know what? I am peckish.
Maybe some beef? Like in a shape? Like shaped beef? This is important! I do like Mark! Mm.
I sabotaged his date with another girl because the idea of him going out with someone else triggered something in me that I didn't know was there.
Mm-hmm.
He's your Mark, and no one else can have him.
Her whore hands Running through his fuzzy, cute hair.
"I like your hair!" Shut up! I hate your voice! I like Mark I guess as more than a friend.
What do I do? I'm gonna ask you a question that I ask all of my sober sisters-- What are you afraid of? Well I mean, this is all so new.
And he probably thinks I'm crazy Mm.
Because last night I told him I liked him as a friend, and today I sabotaged his date.
And, I mean, I'm all mixed Messages.
Look, if there's one thing I have learned from pretending to be sober in A.
A.
For three and a half years, it's always be authentic.
Let your walls down, June.
Grab a bat and start Swingin' until those bricks come tumbling down.
Eli, that's it! I've got my story! Go on, girl! Get it! I need to be authentic and honest about how I feel.
And Mark and I need to have a good, long talk.
Well, I feel better.
Yeah.
I'm glad we finally did that.
And the next thing I know, we're having Sex.
So you started talking with your mouth and you ended talking with your genitals.
I have to say, June, I'm deeply impressed.
It was awful.
Yes, I know.
It can be emotionally confusing and Awful and terrible.
No, no, no.
I don't mean emotionally awful.
I mean the sex itself was literally mechanically awful.
I'm talking about people who don't even know What sex is.
Like, bad, sweaty, clunky, sex.
Like two babies having intercourse.
Gross, June! Why'd you have to put that image in my head? I'm about to go to little league.
That's my new Crazy story for A.
A.
I'm gonna cause a drunken scene at little league, kiss a father, and then grab a metal bat out of a kid's hand and just start swingin'.
I just kinda thought we should talk about what happened.
No, it's great.
I'm glad to see you.
This is what breaks are for.
Yeah! So we did it.
Yeah.
That was surprising.
Yeah.
You telling me you like me and then climbing on top of me did not see that coming.
Me neither.
Guess I got caught up in the moment.
and what a moment.
It was fantastic.
It was fantastic.
It was fantastic sex.
It was! I completely agree.
That was some fantastic sex.
It was awful.
Thank god you said it.
I totally agree.
It was awful! So bad! So bad! I mean, and-- But why was it so bad? I mean, we like each other.
It should've been good.
I know! It--it was my fault.
I had just eaten a whole bunch of salt and Pepper shrimp at hop song.
I was puffy.
No, it was my fault.
I had to pee the whole time.
I was trying to hold it in.
That's where my focus was.
I had to pee, too! Do you think it was just some--Some weird fluke? Maybe.
Do you think we should try it again? We have to.
Right? Yeah.
We have to.
Let's do it.
Good.
And this time, let's both pee before We make love.
Yeah.
Terrible.
Awful.
Maybe some wine would help take the edge off? Terrible.
Awful.
Maybe we should mix things up, get a little racy, do it in a public place.
That was still terrible.
That squirrel is staring at us.
Maybe we should try to get a little racy indoors? Worse and worse.
Okay, enough.
You guys have been having bad sex, and I'm tired of having to hear it with my ear pressed up against the wall.
It is intervention time.
So as they say in A.
A.
, aren't you sick and tired of being sick and tired? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing Over and over and expecting a different result.
Chloe's right.
I think the moment I finally reached bottom was the moment I decided to stop digging.
Zip it, James.
You're not deep.
I had started making a huge drunken scene at a little league Game, then this one shows up on his A.
A.
High horse and takes the bat out of my hand and Totally story-Blocks me.
One of the biggest directors in the world thinks that I've been where you are, okay? Until he gives me that role, I'm gonna keep on Wrestling my demons.
You're not really in A.
A.
! neither are you.
I'm more of a fake alcoholic than you are.
No, nobody is better at pretending than I am.
Okay? I'm in a guild of pretenders.
Ugh.
I need a drink.
Stop sexing.
It doesn't work.
Sometimes you really want something, but it's not meant to be.
You need to have the courage to accept the things you cannot change.
don't listen to them.
We'll just keep trying until we get it right.
Let's keep trying.
Absolutely.
Okay.
are you Crying? I'm just so tired.
And the sex is just so bad! It's all I wanted for so long, and it should be good, but it just isn't.
I know.
It's like, in theory, things should work between us.
But in reality, they just don't.
And, I mean, sex is a very important part of a relationship.
Maybe we're just not compatible in that way.
Yeah.
maybe not.
I'm afraid if we keep trying to make this work and it doesn't, it's gonna ruin our friendship.
That's too important to me.
It's really important to me.
Maybe for right now, we're better off as friends.
Yeah.
Good friends.
You okay with that? Absolutely.
And hey, if it's okay with you, maybe I will go on that date with Pepper's friend Marisa.
Yeah.
I think that is a good idea.
Hey! I didn't do my weird "Ho-Ho!" laugh.
That's great! Yeah.
Yeah, so it sounds like this Marisa Chick is a bit of a firecracker.
If I could just get my pants on first thank you.
What the hell was that? Hey.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Harold?! Harold! Ugh! Hold my camera, Janine.
Harold, get away from that woman! I'm crazy! What-- stay back! You get away from him, you slut! Ma'am.
Ma'am, please.
Please.
Slut! Slut! wah! They're gonna love this in A.
A.
! aah! What is wrong with you?! I think she's drunk.
She is--No, you--