Growing Pains s02e17 Episode Script
185979 - Jimmy Durante Died for Your Sins
Hi, Mom, hi, Dad, how the heck are you guys? MAGGIE: Hi, honey, we're fine.
How was school today, Ben? Fantastic.
-That good, huh? -Wait till you hear.
When the principal was finished doing the announcements over the PA she got a shock when she touched the microphone and yelled out a naughty word.
So that's what made it a fantastic day? You bet.
Boy, you could hear that dirty word echoing through the halls.
Well, look who made it through another day of school.
Yeah, just barely.
Hey, Dad, do you think I could borrow about $217? Okay, I'll settle for 5.
ANNOUNCER: WZLP time is 4:15 and that's jackpot call-in time.
Two thousand big ones in the hopper right now.
Just waiting for you to call 555-LOOT and tell me the name of this song.
[ROCK SONG PLAYS OVER RADIO.]
-That's-- -I know the song.
Ben, I got it, I got-- -Dial already.
-All right, all right.
-Hurry up.
-Go, Mike, go.
CarolÂs been driving me crazy playing that song.
Boy, am I glad she's my sister.
Doesn't that get you right here? Hi, listen, I know the song.
It's-- Aw, it's a recording.
All the lines are busy.
What a shame, Mike.
Well, maybe next time.
Yeah, Dad, since I didn't win the 2000, how about the 5? This isn't your day, Mike.
I got news that will cheer you up.
Wait till you hear what Mrs.
Gunn said over the PA.
Don't you dare quote her.
Hi, Mom, hi, Dad.
MAGGIE: Hi, sweetheart.
-Carol, a breath of normalcy.
Ha, ha.
Oh, listen, I need a note from one of you for that field trip next week.
I need canned food for the charity.
MAGGIE: Great.
-And I really need a nose job.
Sure.
-Did she just say--? And I said--? -Yes.
-No.
-Yes.
-Carol.
-Carol.
-Carol.
-Yes? -Did you just say--? -What's this--? -After you.
-Go ahead.
-Did you just say--? -Honey, what's this--? I give up.
Did you just say you wanted a nose job? I knew you guys would be upset.
-Oh, we're not upset, honey.
-Of course not.
-We wanna know what this is about.
-But we certainly aren't upset.
We'd be upset if we thought you were serious about it.
I am.
Well, then, we're upset.
I've been thinking about this for a long time.
And then this girl in my Latin class came in after having it done.
And, Mom, she looks great.
But, honey, you have a cute nose.
You have a perky little button nose.
Yeah, you have your mother's nose.
I know.
No, Mom, Mom, it looks good on you.
You can get away with a big nose.
No, I mean, because all your other features are big too.
I don't mean big, I just mean-- Carol, give up.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Carol, who says you have a big nose? Well, I do, and that's what matters, right? Hey, Carol, someone named Charlotte Bowser is on the phone.
Oh, great, she's giving me all the information about her plastic surgeon.
Carol, wait, we're talking to you.
Oh, I know, but this is important.
Wait, wait a minute, did I just hear right? Is Carol actually considering plastic surgery? Mike, this doesn't concern you.
Okay, all right, but before I go, I just wanted to say bravo.
This isn't like Carol.
You know, where did she get this hyper-concern for her looks? Maggie? What's wrong with my nose? Your nose is beautiful.
Your nose is the first part of you that I fell in love with.
When I get a picture of you in my mind all I see are those two come-hither nostrils.
Look, look at this, as far as noses go this is perfection.
God should have such a nose.
What am I saying? This is the nose of God.
Because you're frustrated with Carol does not mean you have to take it out on me.
Oh, I'm not frustrated, I'm just confused.
I mean, why would our sensible Carol wanna get her face rearranged just because someone named Charlotte Bowser did it? Hey, hey, hey, is it true? CarolÂs getting a face transplant? Ben, let me give you some advice, all right? Don't listen to Mike.
That applies not only to this case, but to life in general.
Jason, you know what? This nose thing is just a phase.
I mean, a lot of teenage girls go through it.
And I know it's hard to believe, but even I did.
-Oh, I believe it.
-You do? I mean, with great difficulty.
You're right, this is a phase.
And I know just what to do about it.
We sit her down, we talk to her, we ask her reasons and we have an intelligent dialogue between a responsible child and her supportive parents.
We ask her all the right questions and Carol will see that she hasn't thought this thing through at all.
A nose job, or rhinoplasty, is an outpatient procedure normally involving a local anesthetic that wears off in about four hours.
It's recommended that the patient remain in bed for one additional day.
There's discoloration of the nose and orbits of the eyes as a result from hematoma from blows of the mallet.
And it costs only $2400.
What did I say? She hasn't thought this through at all.
First of all, I'm still the same Carol who gets straight A's and thinks everything through.
And this is not a whim or an adolescent phase, if that's what you're thinking.
Oh, not me.
The basic question here is: Do you believe that the size of a person's nose can affect the course of their life? -Well-- -Explain Karl Malden.
Let's keep the size of Karl Malden's honker out of this, okay? We wanna find out why you want this surgery.
Well, I'd feel better about the way I look and I'd feel better about myself.
Oh, honey, there's nothing wrong with the way you look.
Remember when you started working out with weights? Yeah.
And, Mom, remember when you started coloring your hair? I add occasional highlights.
Don't you see? You guys did those things so you'd feel better about the way you look.
That's all I'm asking.
Your mother and I have to discuss this.
So would you mind stepping out of the room? Sure, sure.
Could you step a little further out? Oh, yeah, okay, fine.
Jason, this discussion is a great touch because Carol will think we actually considered this before we said no.
-Well-- -Don't say well, I know that well too well.
I don't want this more than you do.
But we've relied on CarolÂs common sense.
Which she has taken leave of.
There's no point to start treating her like she's Ben's age.
She'll get used to it.
We should go and tell her she can have the nose job.
-Jason.
-If she pays for it herself.
For every dime she has to save, she'll have time to think if it's worth it.
Twenty four hundred dollars, that's a lot of thinking, Maggie.
But, honey, what if she saves the money and she still wants a nose job? By the time Carol saves $2400, she's gonna need a facelift.
Ten dollars a week into 2400 is 224 divided by 52 is four-and-a-half years? Hello, Michael.
Hot shirt.
No, Carol, I don't have any money to lend you.
And, you know, it really pains me to say that, knowing what a worthy cause this is.
Oh, go squeeze some zits.
Oh, now, what a rude thing to say, especially to a guy who happens to know a job where you can make big money.
-What job? -No, no, no.
It's too late, Carol, I'm hurt.
Oh, come on, Mike.
I'm sorry.
What job? Truly sorry? In tears.
What's the job? [WHISPERS.]
Well, word is American Express needs someone to replace Karl Malden.
You scum.
All right, all right, so it's a little joke, I was just kidding there.
Okay, all right, all right, let's be serious now, Carol.
Okay, now come on, Carol, you don't need to spend all that money on a nose job.
Right, because I'm beautiful already.
No, I said let's be serious.
Now, look, I know where you can get a nose job for half the price.
Well, how? Igor! [IN CREEPY VOICE.]
Your credit is good with me.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO.]
Dinner.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Liver! [SCREAMS.]
Liver is good for you.
Oh, is that liver I smell? Yes, and it's got lots of iron in it.
Oh, Mom, can't we just eat the skillet instead? MAGGIE: What in the world? Since I have to wait so long to save the money I need I decided to camouflage my facial deformity with the subtle use of makeup.
Looking good, Carol.
That's enough, Carol, upstairs right now and wash it off.
-But, Mom-- -It's not gonna work, Carol.
You're still gonna have to save the money yourself.
Oh, well, fine.
Okay, fine, fine, I'll go upstairs to my room, fine.
But I just want you to know I am never coming out, okay? Just think about it, never.
I don't.
Now exactly what are you doing? Getting sent to my room without dinner.
-No, you're getting a double portion.
-No, no, Dad, no.
-And you too, Ben.
-Hey.
ANNOUNCER: All right, it's jackpot call-in time.
Oh, I'm not missing it this time.
We've put another $1000 into the jackpot for the fifth caller -to identify our mystery song.
-Shh, shh.
[ROCK SONG PLAYS OVER RADIO.]
I got it, it's the same song.
I got this one.
Hey, Carol, Carol, get off the phone right now.
Off, now.
ANNOUNCER: Pick up the phone, let's go.
I don't believe this.
I know the name of this song and Carol will not let me use the phone.
Here's our fifth caller.
Hi, what's your answer? CAROL: "In The Name of Love.
" ANNOUNCER: That is absolutely right.
[CAROL SCREAMS.]
ANNOUNCER: What's your name, honey? CAROL: Carol Seaver.
-What? -Well, Carol Seaver, you just won $3000.
Do you know what you're gonna do with all that money? CAROL: I sure do.
MAGGIE: Honey, we're saying no for your own good.
Speaking of our own good.
CAROL: How can this possibly be for my own good? JASON: Carol, we're a little older, a little wiser.
We have a little bit more perspective.
MAGGIE: I know, but the situation's changed, and we.
It's for your own good.
Breaking your solemn promise is for my own good? Well, sometimes parents just have to be unfair.
I'm gonna remember this day.
The day that my parents gave me their word.
And then broke it.
Whoa, boy, am I full.
-Yeah, liver wasn't as bad as I thought.
-Huh? Oh, yeah, I just couldn't stop eating that stuff, Mom.
Can we be excused? Okay.
-Jason.
-I was just thinking, you know, I'd-- All right, I know we've stopped Carol, but at what price? Now we'll never know why she's upset about the way she looks.
Maybe she'll never know.
What's causing this negative self-image? I just can't help but feel that we're cutting off our own nose to spite our face.
Okay, bad choice of words.
Mike? Okay, Brooke, you win.
Mike, come on, get up.
Brooke.
Oh, Carol, no, what's going on? Mike, come on, I need your help.
Carol, get lost.
It's worth 50 bucks.
All right, name it.
Okay, I need you to drive me somewhere without anybody knowing.
-Where? -What difference does it make? A lot.
Carol, look, I don't want my friends seeing me driving you around.
All right, I need you to drive me to the doctor's building downtown.
The doctor's building? Yeah, don't worry, you won't run into any of your friends there.
They're beyond medicine.
Are you really going through with this nose thing? It's none of your business.
You know, that doctor is not gonna do anything without parents' consent.
Maybe getting Mom and Dad to sign a consent form isn't such a problem at all.
Forgery.
Shh! You know, I had no idea you could be so slimy.
You're okay.
Okay, now where was I? -No.
-No.
You didn't have to come up here.
Well, yeah, I just didn't wanna wait in the car.
You want me to leave? -Well, as long as you're here.
-Yeah, yeah, sure.
Name? -Oh, hi.
-Hi.
Hi, I have an appointment with Dr.
Calabash for a preliminary consultation for rhinoplasty.
I have the consent form here, see? My parents' signature, my father's signature.
I'll have to pay in cash before the procedure.
So I'll just wait there until you call me.
Thank you.
Name? Oh, yes, how silly of me.
I am so sorry.
Just-- I get really nervous around doctors.
And receptionists.
Anyone in white, actually.
Name? -It's Carol Seaver.
-Her name.
It is.
Oh.
He's a well-respected psychiatrist.
My father.
Not him, he's my stupid brother.
Thank you.
Smooth.
Yes, do you have a listing for a Dr.
Jason Seaver? [PHONE RINGING.]
Okay, okay.
Hello? Dr.
Seaver is either with a mental patient or in the bathroom.
Dad! Dad! JASON: Ben, you know the rules.
You don't interrupt when I'm with a patient.
Mental patient.
-Hi, honey.
-Do you wanna talk to my mom? You're welcome very much.
Here, Mom.
Thanks.
Hello? Yes, CarolÂs my daughter.
She's there? Where's there? Now, all right, excuse me, who is Dr.
Calabash? What? No, we certainly did not sign a consent form.
No, no, no, please, don't say a word to her.
We'll be right down.
Yes, thank you.
Jason? BEN: He's with a mental patient.
I cannot believe this.
[SNIFFS.]
Oh, can you believe somebody would actually do that to themselves on purpose? Oh, sorry.
Mike, if you're gonna say stuff like that, wait in the car, okay? Look, I'm sorry, I just meant that it looked like major pain.
-Mike.
-Oh, right.
Look, Carol, if you're so chicken about this why are you even doing this? You know very well why I'm doing it.
You're just setting me up for one of your little jokes.
What jokes? Oh, I don't know, probably some stupid little joke like: "Carol, if you really wanna improve your looks why not just get a new flea collar?" Hey, that's good.
I like that, Carol.
Hey, you said it.
I just beat you to it, that's all.
Yeah, yeah, I guess I have come up with a zinger or two in my day.
Yeah.
Kind of like the time I told you to go break a mirror.
Or the time I told Eddie you were in a bad mood because you had to be wormed.
Wait a minute, Carol, are you saying that all my little jokes about you being ugly have something to do with you coming here today? Of course not.
-You're lying.
-I am not.
Ha.
Heh.
If you think I'm even aware that you've been calling me funny-looking for the past all my life, you're crazy.
Look, Carol, why would you even listen to me? Come on, Carol, look, you're my sister.
All right? I'm supposed to call you ugly.
It's my job.
I suppose you're gonna say you didn't mean it.
Oh, look-- All right, look, did you mean it all those times you called me so incredibly stupid? All right, all right, bad example.
But, Carol, come on, this is brother and sister stuff here, you know? I mean, look, look, Eddie calls his sister ugly.
Boner thinks his sister is ugly.
Boner's sister is ugly.
That's not the point, Carol.
The point is you're not ugly.
As a matter of fact, in the last couple of years you've been looking kind of.
You've been getting better-looking.
Oh, sure.
Look, Carol, this is tough for me, all right? Look, I mean, I see the way guys look at you and I know that look.
-Yeah? -Yeah, I mean-- You know, when your friends look at your sister that way, it's kind of weird.
So you're saying I'm.
[IN MUFFLED VOICE.]
Pretty.
What? Pretty.
I said I think you're kind of pretty.
Wow.
You think I'm pretty.
Yeah, and if you have any sensitivity at all you will never, ever tell anyone I said you weren't a total bow-wow, okay? -Carol, how dare you disobey us.
-Mom, Dad.
I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but you are grounded.
-Wait-- -No explanations.
-You are not getting a nose job.
-I know.
-What? -I'm not getting a nose job.
Don't confuse us by agreeing with us, Carol, and we'll talk about this at home.
-We have to convince you that-- -I don't want a nose job.
I don't need a nose job.
I look fine just the way I am.
In fact, I might even be a little bit pretty.
Did you have anything to do with this? Me? Hey, I was trying to convince her to go for a whole new head.
What? Well, I just need to know, do you really think that--? Oh, yes, honey, your nose is wonderful.
It's perfect.
Thank you.
Do you think your nose is perfect? Sure.
-Oh.
-Why? Oh, no reason.
Maggie, there's nothing wrong with my nose, okay? And frankly, I'm a little tired of all this nose talk.
I agree, sweetheart.
It's itchy.
I-- I scratch.
Honk, honk! Ha, ha, ha.
How was school today, Ben? Fantastic.
-That good, huh? -Wait till you hear.
When the principal was finished doing the announcements over the PA she got a shock when she touched the microphone and yelled out a naughty word.
So that's what made it a fantastic day? You bet.
Boy, you could hear that dirty word echoing through the halls.
Well, look who made it through another day of school.
Yeah, just barely.
Hey, Dad, do you think I could borrow about $217? Okay, I'll settle for 5.
ANNOUNCER: WZLP time is 4:15 and that's jackpot call-in time.
Two thousand big ones in the hopper right now.
Just waiting for you to call 555-LOOT and tell me the name of this song.
[ROCK SONG PLAYS OVER RADIO.]
-That's-- -I know the song.
Ben, I got it, I got-- -Dial already.
-All right, all right.
-Hurry up.
-Go, Mike, go.
CarolÂs been driving me crazy playing that song.
Boy, am I glad she's my sister.
Doesn't that get you right here? Hi, listen, I know the song.
It's-- Aw, it's a recording.
All the lines are busy.
What a shame, Mike.
Well, maybe next time.
Yeah, Dad, since I didn't win the 2000, how about the 5? This isn't your day, Mike.
I got news that will cheer you up.
Wait till you hear what Mrs.
Gunn said over the PA.
Don't you dare quote her.
Hi, Mom, hi, Dad.
MAGGIE: Hi, sweetheart.
-Carol, a breath of normalcy.
Ha, ha.
Oh, listen, I need a note from one of you for that field trip next week.
I need canned food for the charity.
MAGGIE: Great.
-And I really need a nose job.
Sure.
-Did she just say--? And I said--? -Yes.
-No.
-Yes.
-Carol.
-Carol.
-Carol.
-Yes? -Did you just say--? -What's this--? -After you.
-Go ahead.
-Did you just say--? -Honey, what's this--? I give up.
Did you just say you wanted a nose job? I knew you guys would be upset.
-Oh, we're not upset, honey.
-Of course not.
-We wanna know what this is about.
-But we certainly aren't upset.
We'd be upset if we thought you were serious about it.
I am.
Well, then, we're upset.
I've been thinking about this for a long time.
And then this girl in my Latin class came in after having it done.
And, Mom, she looks great.
But, honey, you have a cute nose.
You have a perky little button nose.
Yeah, you have your mother's nose.
I know.
No, Mom, Mom, it looks good on you.
You can get away with a big nose.
No, I mean, because all your other features are big too.
I don't mean big, I just mean-- Carol, give up.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Carol, who says you have a big nose? Well, I do, and that's what matters, right? Hey, Carol, someone named Charlotte Bowser is on the phone.
Oh, great, she's giving me all the information about her plastic surgeon.
Carol, wait, we're talking to you.
Oh, I know, but this is important.
Wait, wait a minute, did I just hear right? Is Carol actually considering plastic surgery? Mike, this doesn't concern you.
Okay, all right, but before I go, I just wanted to say bravo.
This isn't like Carol.
You know, where did she get this hyper-concern for her looks? Maggie? What's wrong with my nose? Your nose is beautiful.
Your nose is the first part of you that I fell in love with.
When I get a picture of you in my mind all I see are those two come-hither nostrils.
Look, look at this, as far as noses go this is perfection.
God should have such a nose.
What am I saying? This is the nose of God.
Because you're frustrated with Carol does not mean you have to take it out on me.
Oh, I'm not frustrated, I'm just confused.
I mean, why would our sensible Carol wanna get her face rearranged just because someone named Charlotte Bowser did it? Hey, hey, hey, is it true? CarolÂs getting a face transplant? Ben, let me give you some advice, all right? Don't listen to Mike.
That applies not only to this case, but to life in general.
Jason, you know what? This nose thing is just a phase.
I mean, a lot of teenage girls go through it.
And I know it's hard to believe, but even I did.
-Oh, I believe it.
-You do? I mean, with great difficulty.
You're right, this is a phase.
And I know just what to do about it.
We sit her down, we talk to her, we ask her reasons and we have an intelligent dialogue between a responsible child and her supportive parents.
We ask her all the right questions and Carol will see that she hasn't thought this thing through at all.
A nose job, or rhinoplasty, is an outpatient procedure normally involving a local anesthetic that wears off in about four hours.
It's recommended that the patient remain in bed for one additional day.
There's discoloration of the nose and orbits of the eyes as a result from hematoma from blows of the mallet.
And it costs only $2400.
What did I say? She hasn't thought this through at all.
First of all, I'm still the same Carol who gets straight A's and thinks everything through.
And this is not a whim or an adolescent phase, if that's what you're thinking.
Oh, not me.
The basic question here is: Do you believe that the size of a person's nose can affect the course of their life? -Well-- -Explain Karl Malden.
Let's keep the size of Karl Malden's honker out of this, okay? We wanna find out why you want this surgery.
Well, I'd feel better about the way I look and I'd feel better about myself.
Oh, honey, there's nothing wrong with the way you look.
Remember when you started working out with weights? Yeah.
And, Mom, remember when you started coloring your hair? I add occasional highlights.
Don't you see? You guys did those things so you'd feel better about the way you look.
That's all I'm asking.
Your mother and I have to discuss this.
So would you mind stepping out of the room? Sure, sure.
Could you step a little further out? Oh, yeah, okay, fine.
Jason, this discussion is a great touch because Carol will think we actually considered this before we said no.
-Well-- -Don't say well, I know that well too well.
I don't want this more than you do.
But we've relied on CarolÂs common sense.
Which she has taken leave of.
There's no point to start treating her like she's Ben's age.
She'll get used to it.
We should go and tell her she can have the nose job.
-Jason.
-If she pays for it herself.
For every dime she has to save, she'll have time to think if it's worth it.
Twenty four hundred dollars, that's a lot of thinking, Maggie.
But, honey, what if she saves the money and she still wants a nose job? By the time Carol saves $2400, she's gonna need a facelift.
Ten dollars a week into 2400 is 224 divided by 52 is four-and-a-half years? Hello, Michael.
Hot shirt.
No, Carol, I don't have any money to lend you.
And, you know, it really pains me to say that, knowing what a worthy cause this is.
Oh, go squeeze some zits.
Oh, now, what a rude thing to say, especially to a guy who happens to know a job where you can make big money.
-What job? -No, no, no.
It's too late, Carol, I'm hurt.
Oh, come on, Mike.
I'm sorry.
What job? Truly sorry? In tears.
What's the job? [WHISPERS.]
Well, word is American Express needs someone to replace Karl Malden.
You scum.
All right, all right, so it's a little joke, I was just kidding there.
Okay, all right, all right, let's be serious now, Carol.
Okay, now come on, Carol, you don't need to spend all that money on a nose job.
Right, because I'm beautiful already.
No, I said let's be serious.
Now, look, I know where you can get a nose job for half the price.
Well, how? Igor! [IN CREEPY VOICE.]
Your credit is good with me.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO.]
Dinner.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Liver! [SCREAMS.]
Liver is good for you.
Oh, is that liver I smell? Yes, and it's got lots of iron in it.
Oh, Mom, can't we just eat the skillet instead? MAGGIE: What in the world? Since I have to wait so long to save the money I need I decided to camouflage my facial deformity with the subtle use of makeup.
Looking good, Carol.
That's enough, Carol, upstairs right now and wash it off.
-But, Mom-- -It's not gonna work, Carol.
You're still gonna have to save the money yourself.
Oh, well, fine.
Okay, fine, fine, I'll go upstairs to my room, fine.
But I just want you to know I am never coming out, okay? Just think about it, never.
I don't.
Now exactly what are you doing? Getting sent to my room without dinner.
-No, you're getting a double portion.
-No, no, Dad, no.
-And you too, Ben.
-Hey.
ANNOUNCER: All right, it's jackpot call-in time.
Oh, I'm not missing it this time.
We've put another $1000 into the jackpot for the fifth caller -to identify our mystery song.
-Shh, shh.
[ROCK SONG PLAYS OVER RADIO.]
I got it, it's the same song.
I got this one.
Hey, Carol, Carol, get off the phone right now.
Off, now.
ANNOUNCER: Pick up the phone, let's go.
I don't believe this.
I know the name of this song and Carol will not let me use the phone.
Here's our fifth caller.
Hi, what's your answer? CAROL: "In The Name of Love.
" ANNOUNCER: That is absolutely right.
[CAROL SCREAMS.]
ANNOUNCER: What's your name, honey? CAROL: Carol Seaver.
-What? -Well, Carol Seaver, you just won $3000.
Do you know what you're gonna do with all that money? CAROL: I sure do.
MAGGIE: Honey, we're saying no for your own good.
Speaking of our own good.
CAROL: How can this possibly be for my own good? JASON: Carol, we're a little older, a little wiser.
We have a little bit more perspective.
MAGGIE: I know, but the situation's changed, and we.
It's for your own good.
Breaking your solemn promise is for my own good? Well, sometimes parents just have to be unfair.
I'm gonna remember this day.
The day that my parents gave me their word.
And then broke it.
Whoa, boy, am I full.
-Yeah, liver wasn't as bad as I thought.
-Huh? Oh, yeah, I just couldn't stop eating that stuff, Mom.
Can we be excused? Okay.
-Jason.
-I was just thinking, you know, I'd-- All right, I know we've stopped Carol, but at what price? Now we'll never know why she's upset about the way she looks.
Maybe she'll never know.
What's causing this negative self-image? I just can't help but feel that we're cutting off our own nose to spite our face.
Okay, bad choice of words.
Mike? Okay, Brooke, you win.
Mike, come on, get up.
Brooke.
Oh, Carol, no, what's going on? Mike, come on, I need your help.
Carol, get lost.
It's worth 50 bucks.
All right, name it.
Okay, I need you to drive me somewhere without anybody knowing.
-Where? -What difference does it make? A lot.
Carol, look, I don't want my friends seeing me driving you around.
All right, I need you to drive me to the doctor's building downtown.
The doctor's building? Yeah, don't worry, you won't run into any of your friends there.
They're beyond medicine.
Are you really going through with this nose thing? It's none of your business.
You know, that doctor is not gonna do anything without parents' consent.
Maybe getting Mom and Dad to sign a consent form isn't such a problem at all.
Forgery.
Shh! You know, I had no idea you could be so slimy.
You're okay.
Okay, now where was I? -No.
-No.
You didn't have to come up here.
Well, yeah, I just didn't wanna wait in the car.
You want me to leave? -Well, as long as you're here.
-Yeah, yeah, sure.
Name? -Oh, hi.
-Hi.
Hi, I have an appointment with Dr.
Calabash for a preliminary consultation for rhinoplasty.
I have the consent form here, see? My parents' signature, my father's signature.
I'll have to pay in cash before the procedure.
So I'll just wait there until you call me.
Thank you.
Name? Oh, yes, how silly of me.
I am so sorry.
Just-- I get really nervous around doctors.
And receptionists.
Anyone in white, actually.
Name? -It's Carol Seaver.
-Her name.
It is.
Oh.
He's a well-respected psychiatrist.
My father.
Not him, he's my stupid brother.
Thank you.
Smooth.
Yes, do you have a listing for a Dr.
Jason Seaver? [PHONE RINGING.]
Okay, okay.
Hello? Dr.
Seaver is either with a mental patient or in the bathroom.
Dad! Dad! JASON: Ben, you know the rules.
You don't interrupt when I'm with a patient.
Mental patient.
-Hi, honey.
-Do you wanna talk to my mom? You're welcome very much.
Here, Mom.
Thanks.
Hello? Yes, CarolÂs my daughter.
She's there? Where's there? Now, all right, excuse me, who is Dr.
Calabash? What? No, we certainly did not sign a consent form.
No, no, no, please, don't say a word to her.
We'll be right down.
Yes, thank you.
Jason? BEN: He's with a mental patient.
I cannot believe this.
[SNIFFS.]
Oh, can you believe somebody would actually do that to themselves on purpose? Oh, sorry.
Mike, if you're gonna say stuff like that, wait in the car, okay? Look, I'm sorry, I just meant that it looked like major pain.
-Mike.
-Oh, right.
Look, Carol, if you're so chicken about this why are you even doing this? You know very well why I'm doing it.
You're just setting me up for one of your little jokes.
What jokes? Oh, I don't know, probably some stupid little joke like: "Carol, if you really wanna improve your looks why not just get a new flea collar?" Hey, that's good.
I like that, Carol.
Hey, you said it.
I just beat you to it, that's all.
Yeah, yeah, I guess I have come up with a zinger or two in my day.
Yeah.
Kind of like the time I told you to go break a mirror.
Or the time I told Eddie you were in a bad mood because you had to be wormed.
Wait a minute, Carol, are you saying that all my little jokes about you being ugly have something to do with you coming here today? Of course not.
-You're lying.
-I am not.
Ha.
Heh.
If you think I'm even aware that you've been calling me funny-looking for the past all my life, you're crazy.
Look, Carol, why would you even listen to me? Come on, Carol, look, you're my sister.
All right? I'm supposed to call you ugly.
It's my job.
I suppose you're gonna say you didn't mean it.
Oh, look-- All right, look, did you mean it all those times you called me so incredibly stupid? All right, all right, bad example.
But, Carol, come on, this is brother and sister stuff here, you know? I mean, look, look, Eddie calls his sister ugly.
Boner thinks his sister is ugly.
Boner's sister is ugly.
That's not the point, Carol.
The point is you're not ugly.
As a matter of fact, in the last couple of years you've been looking kind of.
You've been getting better-looking.
Oh, sure.
Look, Carol, this is tough for me, all right? Look, I mean, I see the way guys look at you and I know that look.
-Yeah? -Yeah, I mean-- You know, when your friends look at your sister that way, it's kind of weird.
So you're saying I'm.
[IN MUFFLED VOICE.]
Pretty.
What? Pretty.
I said I think you're kind of pretty.
Wow.
You think I'm pretty.
Yeah, and if you have any sensitivity at all you will never, ever tell anyone I said you weren't a total bow-wow, okay? -Carol, how dare you disobey us.
-Mom, Dad.
I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but you are grounded.
-Wait-- -No explanations.
-You are not getting a nose job.
-I know.
-What? -I'm not getting a nose job.
Don't confuse us by agreeing with us, Carol, and we'll talk about this at home.
-We have to convince you that-- -I don't want a nose job.
I don't need a nose job.
I look fine just the way I am.
In fact, I might even be a little bit pretty.
Did you have anything to do with this? Me? Hey, I was trying to convince her to go for a whole new head.
What? Well, I just need to know, do you really think that--? Oh, yes, honey, your nose is wonderful.
It's perfect.
Thank you.
Do you think your nose is perfect? Sure.
-Oh.
-Why? Oh, no reason.
Maggie, there's nothing wrong with my nose, okay? And frankly, I'm a little tired of all this nose talk.
I agree, sweetheart.
It's itchy.
I-- I scratch.
Honk, honk! Ha, ha, ha.