Happily Divorced (2011) s02e17 Episode Script

Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience and based on my real life.
Darling, I brought home a couple of mother-of-the-bride dresses.
What do you think of this one? Ma, you can't wear white to my wedding.
Oh, and you can? Look, ma, I've been going over the list for my bachelorette party, and I see you put Marilyn on it.
- She can't come.
- Why not? Because Judi invited a sexpert who's gonna teach us how to perform, you know, a - Oh, you're having an expert.
- Uh-huh.
Well, according to Mr.
Schwartzman in 3-B, Marilyn could teach her a thing or two.
I thought Schwartzman died.
With a smile on his face.
- Hello! - Quick, hide the invitations! Hi.
Listen, about your bachelorette party, I may have a conflict.
Oh, no.
Go to that one.
I just want to make sure it's not on the same date as my daughter Kiki's.
Frannie! Can you believe I'm getting married? Oh, my God! Kiki, I'm so happy for you! Tell me everything! What's going on? Someone win the lottery? Yeah, me! My 47-year-old childless daughter landed a man who owns Oh, Kiki, let's go out tonight.
We'll celebrate.
I'll call Petey and Judi.
Let's go to that Italian joint I love, with the singing waiters.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Oy, that's all I need You two hanging out again.
You used to get her in so much trouble.
Cutting school, cheating, pretending you have your period to get out of gym class.
- Francine! - Ma, you taught me that.
Fran's not a bad influence on me, ma.
Remember that time you almost got my daughter arrested for that pot cigarette? Luckily, your mother's big mouth convinced that officer to let you off the hook.
I can be very persuasive.
What? ? She was certain that he was her one and only ? ? But their union always seemed a little forced ? ? She got married anyway ? ? Turns out that he was gay ? ? They're still in love ? ? But now she's Happily Divorced ? ? When the moon hits your eye ? ? Like a big pizza pie ? ? That's amore ? ? When the stars make you drool ? ? Just like pasta fazool ? ? That's amore ? ? When you walk in a dream ? ? But you know you're not dreamin' ? ? Signore ? ? 'Scusami ? ? But you see, back in old napoli ? ? That's amore ? Madonna Mia, you got a voice like an angel.
Oh, thank you.
Not you.
You know, Kiki, you make my night every time you come in here.
We make beautiful music together.
I wish you could visit California more often.
Well, your wish is coming true, carmine.
I'm moving here.
You better not be teasing me.
So, you're moving here.
Peter Lovett, realtor to the stars and those who want to live like one.
Peter, don't be obnoxious.
Who's doing your flowers? It's so nice being with you guys.
And I gotta tell you something, Peter.
You look amazing! You're all buff, your hair's all style-y.
What's gotten into you? Oh, yeah.
I want to make a toast to the brides.
I am so happy for the two of you.
And even though I have not met anybody, do not feel bad about talking about your wedding in front of me, 'cause I'm totally fine.
Fran, where's your reception? Oh, hell, you ain't gotta throw it in my damn face.
Yeah.
- What? What? - Oh, no.
Elliot just sent me a picture for my eyes only.
Oh, Kiki, I almost made the biggest mistake of my life.
I was seeing this other guy, and everybody at the time thought Peter he was perfect, but there was no passion.
But with Elliot, mmm-mmm! My Richie would never do that.
He's kind of shy and old-fashioned.
You ended up with a shy guy? Aren't you the one that was hanging out on my sunroof, topless, driving down queens boulevard, singing girls just want to have fun? That was me.
Where's your wild side? If anyone could pull a guy out of his shell, it's you.
If you want passion And trust me, you do go for it! Frannie, you're so smart when it comes to men.
Well, you know what they say.
Those who marry gay, teach.
The next bottle's on me.
Carmine! Oh, he don't hear me.
I'll go tell him.
How the hell did she end up with a guy that owns The last guy I dated didn't even own a toaster.
Oh, Judi, I could help you, but you don't listen to me.
Kiki hangs on every word I say, all those pearls of wisdom I give her.
Trust me, after what I just told her tonight, she's gonna be all over her fiance.
Or the waiter.
Ow.
How much chianti did we drink? Shh! Peter, your voice is killing me.
Now you know how the rest of the world feels, sober.
Good morning, miss Fran.
I thought you might be able to use some strong coffee.
Oh, how did you know? Oh, well, you drunk-dialed me last night and told me that you loved me like family and that you couldn't get along without me.
I'm not even gonna tell you what you said.
This is new.
You know, not for nothing, but I think it's pretty tacky, making out with a waiter at a restaurant.
Oh, my God.
What else did I do? - Not you.
Kiki.
- Oh, right.
Then she comes back to the table like nothing happened, but meanwhile, her lipstick's up here somewhere.
Oh, carmine.
Ow.
God.
I got such dry mouth.
Yeah, that's 'cause you got no saliva left.
Oh, yeah.
I was kissing carmine.
Oh, no.
That's not good.
No, it's not, Kiki.
What are you doing? You're engaged to be married.
Well, you told me to go for it! With your fiance! Frannie, what am I gonna do? Well, look, you're just gonna forget about it.
It was one stupid kiss.
It meant nothing.
Today is a new day.
No one needs to know what happened last night.
How ya doin'? Maybe we should get him on the same page? Okay, so, you slept with him.
It's just a little escalation.
People do crazy things when they're drunk.
Last year, Peter and I in Vegas, we got so hammered, we slept together.
I thought he was Ryan Gosling.
I thought she was too.
Well, I gotta go.
It's, uh, time for the walk of shame.
Carmine, um Thanks for a lovely evening.
Well, I hope everything was to your liking and you come back again soon.
Friends? Absolutely.
Friends! Just friends! Carmine! Kiki! Go! Have a good day! Good-bye.
I am sensing that we've got a problem here.
I think I love him.
That's a bigger problem than I sensed.
Kiki, what is going on here? I don't know.
It was always just I had a thing for him, and it was always just fun flirting, and then you started talking about passion and that I should find my wild side.
Kiki, you're gonna have to stop quoting me.
I want that passion.
I have it with carmine, and I never felt it with Richie.
Oh, sweetie.
Well, you can't go through with the wedding.
I can't? Of course not.
Listen, you're gonna have to be totally honest.
It's not gonna be easy, so prepare yourself.
It's gonna be a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, a lot of screaming, a lot of yelling.
- Poor Richie.
- What, Richie? I'm talking about your mother.
Darling, if I ask you what's wrong, will I miss jeopardy? Ma, what do you think of a woman who gets really drunk, sleeps with another man when she's engaged? I think what you just confessed will go no further than this room.
- Ma.
- They could waterboard me.
They'll get bubkes! Ma, it's not me.
It's Kiki.
She got really drunk, she brought a guy home to my house and slept with him.
Marilyn's 47-year-old childless daughter is not getting married.
- Oy, she's gonna blame me.
- What for? For giving birth to you! I want to die! Oh, ma, will you calm down? It's not the end of the world.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Marilyn.
Sit down, sit down.
Here, maybe some cake will make you feel better.
I can't eat.
I'm too upset.
I'll take it for later, when I calm down.
She's having a meltdown about her dress.
It came in backless instead of strapless.
Uh, Kiki, what does your mother still need a dress for? - The wedding! - The wedding! I'm not letting you in, frannie.
You're not gonna understand.
I'm gonna understand! I don't understand.
How could you go through with this wedding? I don't know! All I know is, is I'm 47 years old and I should thank my lucky stars that a guy as successful as Richie even wants me.
Well, put a piece of cheesecake in your mouth, and that could be your mother talking.
What does that mean? It means you can't live your life for your mother.
What do you want, Kiki? What makes you happy? Carmine! Okay, well, then you're gonna have to tell your mother.
You slept with another man, you fell in love, and the wedding is off.
You slept with someone and it wasn't your fiance? What did you do? Me? All frannie did was take me out and get me drunk.
Right.
Wait.
You're an engaged woman, and you're having sex with strangers like it's the age of aquarius? Ma, he's not a stranger.
I've known him for years.
He's A waiter.
A waiter? Ma, Fran's right.
I'd be miserable with Richie.
Fran doesn't even know Richie! You want to be alone for the rest of my life? You can't live with me.
I got your grandmother and her boyfriend here, sharing oxygen like it's a hookah! No, ma.
It's my life, and Fran's right.
I can't live to please you.
You told her that? Sure.
What the hell? If you don't come to your senses, I will never speak to you again! Ma, I'm not doing this to hurt you! I'm doing this because I gotta follow my heart! Thank God I gave your father all that butter and pastrami so he didn't live long enough to see this! This is all your fault.
Oy.
We should have gone out for Chinese.
Hi, Petey.
Hey, where you been all day? Oh, I feel terrible.
After I convinced Kiki to go with carmine, she and Marilyn got into a horrible fight, and Kiki packed her bag and stormed out of the house.
Oh, my God.
Where's she gonna stay? At carmine's? Hey.
I'm gonna need extra hangers.
Fran.
Look, we just have to get them back together.
We'll get Kiki to go see carmine, and then we'll get Marilyn to show up.
Frannie, they just had a huge fight.
How are we gonna get Marilyn to the restaurant? Uh, tell her it's a restaurant.
Hi, everyone.
- Look who's here.
- What is she doing here? She ruined my daughter's wedding.
Marilyn, I'm sorry, but it was the only way that I could get you to meet carmine and see what a great guy he is.
I don't want to see the son of a bitch that deflowered my daughter! Well, you won't have to, 'cause that guy's on Rikers island.
I don't care.
I'm leaving.
You can take this food and shove it in a to-go box.
Marilyn, wait.
Caw, caw-caw, caw-caw, caw-caw! Look who's here.
Look who's here.
Kiki! I told her I'm never speaking to her again! You're throwing away everything that I dreamed for you! But, ma, I got dreams too, and I'm in love with carmine.
Come on, Marilyn.
I know that there's a hopeless romantic underneath all those bread crumbs.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to hand the mic over to a young lady that's got a voice like an angel and a face to match.
I can't sing now.
I got bigger fish to fry.
- Kiki Kappelmaster.
- Oh, you, you.
I'm leaving! I can't stomach this! What about your lobster ravioli? ? There's a somebody I'm longing to see ? ? I hope that he ? ? Turns out to be ? ? Someone to watch ? ? Over me ? Oy, she's got a voice like an angel.
She gets that from me.
? Won't you tell him please ? ? To put on some speed ? ? Follow my lead ? ? Oh, how I need ? ? Someone to watch ? ? Over ? ? Me ? Ma, this is carmine.
Hello, Mrs.
Kappelmaster.
I just want you to know, I care about your daughter very much, and although I'm not a rich man, Kiki will never want for anything.
Look how happy she is.
How could you deny her that? And I guarantee you this She'll never go hungry.
Anyone related to me eats here for free.
Oh.
Well, I never interfered in your life before, so I don't think I should start now.
And, ma, I want you to know that wherever carmine and I are, you are always welcome to come live with us.
No, ma.
May I have this dance, pretty lady? Thank you, sir.
Oh, would you just look at the way carmine looks at Kiki?