Happy Endings s02e17 Episode Script

Ohh.
Thank God.
It was just a dream.
Oh, boy.
- Wow.
- And I've been trying talk to her, but she's totally avoiding me.
- Maybe she's busy.
- Ohh.
Yeah, right.
She never has anything going on.
- Yeah.
- It's actually kinda sad.
Hey, we should hook her up with someone.
I just slept with her.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
And what if she wants to get back together? What if I don't? What if she's pregnant? Would we raise the baby together? Would we raise the baby as a group? Group baby-- Is that a thing? Hey, man.
Take a knee.
I'm sorry.
I'll just go talk to Alex.
Ohh.
This is gonna be so awkward.
Dave! Come on in.
Cheesy crust is back.
You gotta get in on this.
Very cool.
Um So I've been trying to call you.
You have? Oh, jeez.
My phone has been acting so stupid.
I tried calling Penny the other day.
The lines got crossed.
I ended up talking to a guy named Chaz who tried to sell me homemade cough drops.
Come on, Al.
Let us not beat about the bush.
Let's just talk like adults.
Ahem.
"Many before us have faced similar difficulties in trying to interpret their intimate affairs" Huh? "Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel, "everybody in Fleetwood Mac, Marty McFly and his mother.
" Look, this isn't working.
My point is we need to talk about what happened.
- What happened? - We had sex! Yeah, a bajillion times, but not, like, for a year.
No.
Two nights ago.
What? No, we didn't.
- Yeah, we did.
- Yeah, okay, Dave, and Chaz's cough drops aren't laced with ketamine.
They are.
Trust me.
- I saw God.
- He's Black.
Max, are you okay? You've barely even touched your second mini-pie.
Well, some might say I miss Grant.
You mean you might say that? I might what I might, Jane.
Max, look, with every failed relationship, at least you learn something new about yourself, like when I went out with that male nurse, I found out I still have a soft spot for dating gay guys And an actual soft spot.
My plates never grew together.
Well.
I know what is gonna cheer you guys up.
Rosalita's Run this weekend.
I think my urban scavenger hunting days are over.
Well, I would enter, but They said I can't participate 'cause I'm too good at scavenger hunts, so Yeah, they definitely call the cops and charge people with hate crimes when they're "too good" at scavenger hunts.
I did not push that guy out of the way 'cause he was French.
I pushed him out of the way 'cause he was moving slow Like a damn French.
What is your problem with our French brethren? - Aah! - I don't even want to do it this year.
I mean, we never win.
We always come in second place to that perfect Julie.
Look at her, staring at us.
She thinks she is so much better than me! You haven't helped yourself on that front, Pen.
Penny? Hey! Hey! Julie.
Hey! So I'll see you guys soon, okay? Ow.
Great seeing you.
There were 11 more doughnuts in that box.
Why didn't I just move on? Ohh! Damn it.
One two three Penny.
Julie! Just picking up pie.
I wasn't gonna eat it.
Hello.
How are you? Well, as you can probably tell, I'm pregnant with number three.
Wow.
That's so exciting.
I mean, it won't fly in China, but It's becoming a nasty pattern.
It's like, write a best seller, have a baby, write a best seller, have a baby, write a best seller, adapt the screenplay.
Yay! Well, success on all fronts.
Anyway, obviously, Justin and I can't do the run, so, hey, it means you and Max will actually have a shot, so good luck.
You missed a bite.
Max, we have got to enter.
- Pass.
- With Justin and Julie not doing the race, we have a clear path to victory.
We need this win.
I mean, you coming off your breakup and me about to eat floor pie.
Please.
It's better off the floor, right? Yeah.
Al, this is crazy.
You're really gonna say to my face that we didn't sleep together? We didn't sleep together.
Oh, so you didn't come by my truck that night to have a few drinks, and I didn't put my arm around you like this, and we didn't start making out furiously-- You had a face, of course-- Before taking it back to my place, where I removed your bra with one hand in under four seconds like Clearly, none of that happened.
This mannequin is not regulation.
Come on, Al.
Remember? We did the whole kiss-walk stumbly thing back to my bed, and then you did that thing where you take one leg up - like this - Dave! And I-- - Leave Skyler out of this.
- All right.
If you didn't sleep with me, then where were you that night? I'll tell you exactly where I was-- With Brad and Jane, watching "Mamma Mia!" Oh, then you won't mind if I talk to them.
Not at all.
Okay, everyone.
Are you ready for the Rosalita's Run?! Scotty's ref'ing? Isn't he a little wonky in the think meat? Yeah, he's a little messed up, but he already had the outfit, since he pulled off that elaborate foot locker heist.
This year's theme-- "Chicago movies.
" Yes! This is great.
No Julie and a theme we can crush? All those summers interning at the John Hughes museum are finally gonna pay off.
Penny, I don't know how many times I have to tell you this.
There is no such thing as the John Hughes museum.
Okay, Max.
Then I guess I just went to my softball coach's basement every day for three summers to watch movies and Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Wait for us! The doc cleared us to enter.
Guess this little lady refuses to come out until mommy wins her that trophy.
Yay! You'd think baby number three would just fall right out.
Yay! Okay, you guys.
Once I blow out these 16 candles, I-- Oh.
I get it.
"Sixteen Candles.
" Once I blow these out, it's time to look for your first clue.
Oh, and if anybody runs across a ferret that answers to the name of "Roy," don't touch him.
Let him die.
What? Happy hunting, everybody.
Max, you're supposed to use your hands to find the clue! Actually, Penny, I'm much quicker with my mouth than I am with my hands.
That's why I can speak so much faster than I do sign language.
It's a valet ticket.
Let's go! Max, please! I want to make sure there's no more clues in here.
Oh, hey, man.
You are never gonna believe this, man.
I confronted Alex.
She denied the whole thing.
- What? - Yeah, but I totally caught her in a lie, because she says that she was here with you and Jane the other night watching "Mamma Mia!" I wish.
I love that movie, but no.
We weren't even home.
We were home, Brad.
Yeah.
Alex came over.
We watched the movie, got in our sweats, ordered thai food, made some popcorn, and then we all decided to get under the faux chinchilla blanket, 'cause you said, "it's chin-chilly in hea.
" That does sound like me.
This happens a lot, man.
Sometimes I'm sure I did something.
Then I find out it never happened at all.
It's weird, but it's my life.
- That sounds bad.
- No.
That's just some of Brad's cute little forget-ums, huh? I be forgettin'.
But, remember, you made me go to the video store to get the movie because you couldn't wait for Netflix? You said you were jonesin' for some streep.
That is something I would jones for, especially in a lighter role.
I love when Mare Bear lets herself laugh, you know? Have you seen "Julie & Julia" Mm.
When she talks like this? It's just-- I can't take it.
So good.
Boo, maybe we should get you checked out.
Right? No? Hmm? Yes.
We're gonna get you checked out.
Okay.
Come on, man.
There's no way that you were with Alex that night.
Maybe I was, man.
I-- My forget-ums have been getting worse.
What if I've done something terrible and don't remember? What if I, like, killed a farmer and the ghost of the farmer is hunting me down in revenge? Do you even know a farmer? Oh, my God.
I don't remember.
Hey, buddy.
Do you know what we're supposed to do with this? Danke schoen.
- Okay.
- Danke schoen.
"Ferris Bueller" Yes.
Was Grant's favorite movie.
Please.
Please pull it t-- Oh, my God.
Did you play the valet guy in "Ferris Bueller's"? I didn't play the valet guy.
I am a valet guy.
I did that as a personal favor to John Hughes 'cause I used to park his car.
Parking cars is my passion.
Showbiz is for the birds.
Neat.
Cool.
Did not hear that on the DVD commentary.
Dave and Brad don't suspect a thing.
Thank you, Jane.
What was I thinking? I should have never slept with Dave.
Don't worry.
Everyone has accepted The new reality.
Whoa.
It's like there's an alternate reality.
What if that reality kept going, and there's another Alex living there? Whatever.
I bet she can't krump like I can.
Oh, God.
This isn't working.
I just can't krump away this guilt I have for deceiving Dave.
You're not deceiving him.
All you're doing is altering his perception of reality.
It's the Kerkovich way.
It's just like mom taught us.
- Flood the target.
- Target? Mark, victim, loved one, whatever.
You flood them with specific details until they question their own memories enough to accept our stories as truth.
No, but this seems wrong.
The Kerkovich way is survival.
Okay, where would great-great-grandmammy Senka be if she hadn't used it in the old country? She saved a whole village, okay, and that village went on to produce three famous olympic gymnasts And Slobodan Milosevic.
But that was so long ago.
I graduated high school in '01 We must see this through, little devojka, okay? I already Kerkovich way'd Brad for you.
If he finds out about our methods, it will ruin me.
- Do you do this to him often? - Let's just say he's one MRI away from a free MRI.
Okay, Jane lent me the teddy cam for truck security.
She also tried to give me one of her guns.
One of her whats? Anyway, this should have proof that I was with Alex.
There I am working.
There's a knock at the door.
I turn, and there's Alex.
Whoa.
Here I am coming back to the truck the next morning.
What the hell? Oh, my God.
Jane got to the bear.
Or Alex.
The same Alex that thinks the computer and TV are friends? Oh, my God.
Jane got to the bear.
Okay.
We just have to scan this rewards card.
Penny, wait.
I want to do it.
I like the beep.
"Thank you for shopping with us, Mr.
Goodson.
" Mr.
Goodson.
Joel Goodson.
- "Risky Business.
" - Yes! Okay.
Was "Risky Business" also one of Grant's favorite movies? No, but he does happen to own his own business and ride a bike to said business, which is very risky.
I can't do this, Penny.
Please, please just focus, okay? What does this mean? Egg special, aisle three.
Find the crystal egg.
Find the crystal egg! Could you just hit it again? Okay.
Crystal egg.
I hope you're getting used to second place.
Justin will find the clue.
His specialty is targeting eggs.
You know 3 for 3.
Aah! Ha ha! Well, get ready to eat dust for two, big mama.
"Go to Emma's diner to avoid Saturday Detention"? Saturday Detention.
"The Breakfast Club"! Emma's diner has a breakfast club sandwich! This is it.
Year of Penny! Uh, the year's been over for a couple months now, Pen.
Well, not the fiscal year of Penny.
Suck it, taxpayers! You wiped Barnaby's mind, just like you're trying to do to me.
What are you talking about? Are you okay? I am concerned about you.
Are you concerned about me, huh? Or are you concerned I'm gonna prove you were lying about the whole night? Because if we had thai food as you claim, then I would have a receipt still in my wallet, since I don't file my receipts until the end of the week.
Aha! - Aha! - Wait.
It's a receipt What? For thai food that we ordered on Thursday.
You know what? Fine.
But if we used our faux throw as you say we did, then I will still have chinchilla fur on my sweatpants.
On his sweatpants.
Aha! Aha! Wait.
Karen's been chinchilla'd.
You named your sweatpants "Karen"? I name what I name, man.
Just so you know, I scheduled you a consultation with Dr.
wu.
No.
You said we had popcorn that night, right? - Mm-hmm.
- And whenever I have popcorn, I always get the little kernels stuck in my chompers.
Ah.
Ah Nothing.
There's nothing.
Ah Ha! Hold up! That's a husk! That is a husk.
I hope you're satisfied.
Wait.
How did you But But Where did you get that? We're catsitting for the Carters.
I told you that.
Is it possible I imagined the whole thing? I don't know, but I'll say this.
Even though tomorrow I may have no recollection of what we did in here, I will always remember it in hea.
We had a good run, didn't we? Sure did, man.
Bring it in, big fella.
All right.
Uh Can I help you dudes? Yeah, man.
I'm just gonna return this DVD and pay the late fee.
You know women and "Mamma Mia!" Can't tear it away from 'em.
There is no late fee.
No late fee? But my wife rented this three days ago because she loves it so much, whereas I'm partial to things like karate and brief nudity.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
There's no late fee.
It was rented this morning.
Aha! Okay.
The egg's almost done.
We are gonna win this thing! Max, what are you doing? - Grant loved bacon.
- What? I can't even enjoy it anymore.
Max, you've gotta snap out of it.
You can't get sad every time you think about bacon, 'cause bacon's gonna come up a lot for you.
I know! Well, look who decided to finally show up.
Took you long enough.
You're slow, just like your baby.
Oh, my God.
I-I didn't mean that.
I just meant 'cause your-- You know, your baby's late, but I think your baby is gonna be super fast and awesome.
No.
No! This is my time to shine! Aah.
Oh, my God.
- I think I'm going into labor.
- What? Our perfect miracle's coming.
Get your Bobby Kennedy hands off me! - Ohh! - Okay.
What can I do to help? Chair.
Ha ha! Justin, sandwich me! What are you doing? But that's my egg! I'm sure you froze some of your own, but in case you didn't, good luck.
Well You lose some, you lose some, right? Ohh! Nothing ever changes! Julie will always be a winner.
I will always be a loser.
I should just go home.
I didn't want to do this, but I will.
Penny, we are not going out like this-- Me crying about Grant, you crying about Your stuff, whatever.
I wasn't paying attention.
This is our John Hughes film, and those two are clearly the bad guys, one being little and blonde and fit, the other looking like Greg Kinnear, and they are so clearly not Jewish.
I don't need to tell you this, Pen.
You are the assistant curator to the original John Hughes museum, which, for the purpose of this pep talk, I will choose to believe is a real thing and not the first act of an after school special.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now let's pick up the egg! - Let's go! - Okay! Okay, okay, okay.
These wasps are gonna beat us.
To the Kerkovich way.
Dave will never know the truth.
Mm.
The movie was rented today! - I slept with Dave! - Alex! - I knew it! - Admit it, Jane.
It was all a cover-up.
Fine.
It was a cover-up.
Yeah.
Alex made up a story.
I gave it life And it was beautiful.
First, I took your precious Karen while you were in the shower, and I planted the faux fur.
Then I traced Pattaya Thai's logo on receipt paper, typed up takeout orders, forged your signature, before putting it all in your wallet.
Then my signature moment, one that will rival Grandma Senka in Kerkovich history The insertion of the popcorn while you were sleeping.
And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for Aleksandra.
This is hot.
Right? It is hot.
"To get to Rosalita's, take this untouchable means of transportation.
" Baby carriages, from the train station scene in "The Untouchables"! Oh, shopping carts.
Grant and I used to go to the supermarket - and play supermarket sweep.
- Wow, Max.
You really miss him, don't you? No, Penny.
Not everything's about Grant.
I just happen to be great at picking a winning cart.
- Okay.
Let's go.
- Uh, b-b-b-b-b-bah! That one's got a fish wheel.
- Ohh! - You gotta let the cart pick you.
This one's telling me not to pick it.
Ooh, she's got some nice ride - Okay.
- But something bad happened in here.
- Are you serious right now? - A hate crime.
A baby committed a hate crime on another baby.
This one.
This war horse is born to run.
Yes, she is! Yes! Ohh.
Aah.
What a graceful swan of a lady.
You went through a lot of trouble to pretend we didn't sleep together.
Are you really that upset about it? No, but we're in such a great place right now as friends, and that's really important to me, and then this happened.
I just wasn't ready to open that rabbit hole.
Go down that rabbit hole.
Ugh.
Dave, clean it up.
Anyway, I guess for the sake of our friendship, I was afraid to talk about it.
Talk about what? Us having sex.
We didn't have sex.
Dave, you literally spent two full days trying to get me to admit-- Oh.
Oh.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Go, go, go! Rapido, rapido! How did you know I froze my eggs?! Oh, she just kicked! She can feel us winning! Aah! Aah! - Faster! - No! Faster! Ya! Hyah! Hyah! Face it, Penny! You will always be second best! People read your books - Ha ha! - In the toilet! They're fish-wheeling! They're losing control! Fish wheel! No! No! No! Use your arms.
Yes! Yes! Yes! No! - Yes! - Yeah! - We did it! - Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoo! - Ohh! Mwah! - Life moves pretty fast.
If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
- Who are you talking to? - Scotty.
Hey.
Congrats, you guys.
- Ohh.
- Here's your trophy, plus a whole bunch of foot locker key chains and one of these metal things they use to measure your feet.
Nice size 10s.
How did you know that? I'm into feet Big feet.
- Ew.
Ew.
- Awesome.
- Gross.
- You're welcome.
All right, you two.
Let's Smile for the camera! Babe, I am so sorry.
I will never Kerkovich way you again.
What can I do to make it up to you? I'll get you ice cream.
I'll let you eat it in bed Off my body While we listen to your favorite Steve Martin Banjo album Every night for the next week? Month? Year? You stay here.
I'll be right back.
Guilt trips, my feline friend That's the Williams way.