Home Economics (2021) s02e17 Episode Script

1 Chapter 24.
Tom was close to finishing his novel, and had also started teaching creative writing at a local college.
But as it turns out, he was not the only wordsmith in the family.
Hey, Lulu.
You wanna come out? The whole family's here for brunch.
I just have to finish this Harriet Tubman song.
What's a fun rhyme for "Underground Railroad"? Pistachio'd? Webisode? Should the rhyme for "Underground Railroad" be fun? - You need a break.
- No.
I I just have to finish these lyrics for Mr.
Zarrow so he can start composing the music.
I'm, like, a week behind.
If only there was a writer in the family who could help.
Ugh, yeah, wouldn't that be great? - Oh! You mean Tom.
- Mm-hmm.
No, no.
He's a novelist.
I can't ask him to help with an elementary school musical.
That's embarrassing.
- Yeah, so embarrassing.
- Yeah.
What's the last thing you typed? "Sacagawea, wouldn't wanna be ya.
" Okay, fine.
I'll ask him.
How's it going with the college kids? Well, they got a lot of energy, but they're not so good with grammar.
They use, like, "your" instead of "you" apostrophe R E.
Oh, so like, you apostrophe R E a tool? Yes, exactly.
That's correct, Connor.
- Oh, honey.
- So speaking of writing Sarah has been hard at work at "Unsung Sheroes.
" "A "Celebration of Groundbreaking Women - from Sacagawea to Sotomayor.
" - Wow.
Couldn't come up with a shorter title? That is the shorter title.
Yeah, just working hard.
Everything's flowing.
But, um, Tom, maybe if you If you had a minute, uh, you could You could give it a read? Oh, um, wow.
I'm flattered, and I'd love to, but I've got all these papers to grade, and, of course, there's my novel.
Oh, well, if you're too busy I I'll do it.
I'm saying, you know, I'll do it.
I'd be happy to help - my little sis.
- Okay.
- Great.
Thank you.
- Coffee cake, Denise? It's technically breakfast.
Uh, I wish, but, um, I can't.
My doctor said that if I wanna get pregnant, I need to improve my diet, which means no more morning cake.
- Your doctor sucks.
- Yeah.
I also need to get a workout regimen 'cause, according to him, I'm "generally weak.
" Sucks! There's an outdoor fitness class that looks super cool, but it's also super expensive.
Why would you pay for a class when I could train you - in my home gym for free? - You would do that? Like Tom said: anything to help my little sis.
Wow, it's like We're, like, really good guys.
Can I be your workout buddy? I don't know.
Can you? It'll be a workout sesh for the Normals.
- I love it.
- Yeah! Wait a second, you were calling me a tool.
It's like a video game, or - Let's not touch it.
- Okay.
Where did Connor go? Who's ready for the workout of their lives? Me! I mean we could do without the lights, but me! Is the mic connected to anything? Today we're gonna blast those quads! We're gonna tone those hammies, and we're gonna turn those forearms into five arms.
Let's get started.
This is gonna be fun.
Not if you do it right, it's not! It's a workout, not a funout.
Marina, weights.
Denise, hit the rowing machine.
Let's go.
Come on.
Getting yoked is no joke! Okay, should we get started? - With what? - With your script.
Oh, you already read it.
I just sent it to you.
Sarah, I didn't just read it, I felt it.
I'm not kidding.
I think this has real potential.
With some rewriting, you could probably sell it to schools - all over the country.
- You really think so? Oh, without a doubt.
Yeah.
That said, it could use some, I don't know, finessing.
Wow, that's a lot of finessing.
Are you sure you're not just procrastinating on your novel? Oh, completely.
Yeah, 100%.
But I do think this is really good, and I'd love to help you fully realize it.
- Great.
- Great! Great.
- Let's start with structure.
- Okay.
Um Okay.
Uh, currently, you have it unfolding chronologically from Betsy Ross to Kamala.
But and again, this is off the dome but What if we regrouped the characters by category, so it's like scientist, artist, politician? Oh, um, I hadn't thought of that.
But, you know, I framed it this way because I want Oh, maybe sorry.
This might go a little faster if you just let me get through all my notes first.
Okay.
Page one.
Do we need page one? Oh, no Let's move! Come on.
Can we take a break? We've been doing this for, like, an hour.
Ah, we've been doing this for seven minutes.
Maybe I am generally weak.
You guys gotta focus, kay? Get those bellies tight.
I love your leggings, by the way.
Thank you.
Two-for-one sale, and you'll never guess who I saw at the mall.
- Sabine.
- No.
- Yes.
- Was she with her husband? She was with someone else's husband.
Oh, no, I need more! Hey, we're here to burn the fat, not chew it, kay? Pick up the pace.
Let's go.
I can't go any faster.
Just pretend like you're in the middle of the bay, and you need to get to the other side or or you're forced to read Sarah's musical.
Go! That actually helps.
But you know what would really help? We know: less talking.
Pretend you're rowing away from Tom's new book.
- Ooh - Oh! Look at Connor.
Gettin' saucy.
Oh, maybe this is a funout.
- Page four I liked it.
- Great.
But I wanted to love it.
How attached are you to the whole device of framing the musical as a young girl's dream? Very.
It's it's poetic.
Right.
But a dream can kind of look like God, I don't wanna use the word cliché But, no, cliché's the word I'm looking for.
What if Okay, you know what it could be You know what it could be, is we do it in the form of a high school report.
Kids hate reports, so why would they like a musical about one? Re port.
- Sorry, what were you saying? - Nothing.
There we go! Two days in, I already got a couple of future MMA champs on my hands.
Ooh! Ah, that was my favorite tooth.
All right.
Let's hydrate.
Speaking of going at each other, I wonder how Tom and Sarah's collab is going.
I told Kelvin to take a video if it gets physical.
One time they tried to buy me a present from Spencer's Gifts.
They couldn't decide between a remote-controlled fart machine or a "Who Farted?" shirt.
They got in such a big fight over it, they both ended up in mall jail.
Oh, I need that mug shot.
Yeah.
This is fun.
- Yeah.
- We never hang out, just the three of us.
Yeah, Connor, I think you're, uh definitely the best Hayworth.
I agree.
I do.
You won't be saying that after this plank.
Get down! Oh you know that, um, cute coffee place near me? Finally opened back up again.
- Oh, we should go tomorrow.
- Yeah.
As long as it's before the workout, ladies.
Oh, this feels awful.
Yeah, it's the best.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
How about "Amelia Earhart She was as bi as her plane.
" Do you have any evidence that that was even true? She was in an open marriage.
Read between the lines.
I don't even think she flew a biplane She wore pants, Tom! Wake up! It's just creatively, I'm kind of bumping on a song about Wilma Mankiller in a children's musical.
You wanna cut a song about the first female Navajo chief? - No, no, no - Ah! That was a test.
She was chief of the Cherokee nation.
Mankiller is in.
- Give it back! - No, it's the perfect rhyme.
"Elizabeth Cady Stanton: Victorian ladies dancing.
" It doesn't make any sense! - Just - Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Come on.
- Oh! - Whoa! - Come on! - You brought this on yourself.
- No.
Come on, don't go up there.
You know I hate it up there.
It's where the spider was.
Wait, did you put a password on this file? Yeah, I don't trust you to make changes without me.
You always do this.
You know, you involve yourself in something that I'm passionate about, and then you take over.
This is the Camp Caribou talent show all over again.
Roller skating fast is not a talent! There, I finally said it! You turn everything into a Tom Hayworth production.
Yeah, well, you take every comment that I make and turn it into a personal insult.
That's not true.
Okay, what about your math SATs? I offer to help you, you call me a sexist.
Yeah, I didn't think anyone could mansplain the Pythagorean Theory, but you found a way! - Theorem.
- Oh, my God! This script is a mess.
I should have never come to you for help.
Yeah, well, maybe I never should have offered.
Well, now I'm out of time.
So, um can you give me the password so that I can send this to Zarrow? Fine.
It's "Grogu.
" - It's Baby Yoda's real name - I don't care.
So we have not found a donor yet, and we're thinking about buying some vials, but they're, like, a grand apiece.
When did sperm get so expensive? Growing up, it was everywhere.
Yeah, there's so many tests, and like, I feel like my ovaries are just under so much pressure.
- Like, why is - Hello, ladies! I see you're drinking some coffees, but I'm here to spill the tea.
Hey, Connor.
You're here - with us.
- Yaaaas.
Pre-workout coffee like we talked about.
We did talk about that in front of you.
Oh, Con, this is kind of like our weekly Normals coffee catch-up thing.
Love it.
Some time away from Tom and Sarah ooh! Tell me about it.
Tom would probably be complaining about how it's too loud, and Sarah would probably be like, "Ah, the coffee's not ethnically sourced," or whatever.
I'ma go grab something.
You guys want anything else? - All good.
- Cool.
Take your time though.
- He thinks we invited him.
- I mean, I love him.
But this is our time to talk about all the things that we don't discuss with our spouses.
I wanted to talk to you about this weird period thing that's happening.
Should we ask him to leave? No, I think it'll hurt his feelings.
But, like, quickly tell me the period thing.
So, you know, have you ever worn those They had hardboiled eggs! Oh! And you brought us some.
Thank you, bestie.
Oh, no.
Oh! Oh, God! Okay, I know.
It's a mess.
It's got competing ideas, and it's at war with itself.
- I'm I'm so sorry - Shh! I am furious right now.
Furious at how good this is! Damn you, woman! Oh, wow.
Uh, is this one of those sarcastic things, or do you really mean that? "Dolly Parton's a Part O' Me" About how she was a catalyst for pay equity? Ooh, brilliant! I want to hug that song.
Wow! Wow, wow! Okay! Realest of real talk: I prayed for you to fail - Okay - So I could ascend to my rightful place as director.
But respect is owed, and respect is now paid.
Thank you very much.
So you'll start writing the music? I'm already writing it in my head.
I need you to get me the rest of the pages tout suite, and whatever your process is, keep doin' it.
Hey! There he is! My favorite writer.
I brought you a Bundt cake.
Uh, Sarah, I have papers to grade.
- What do you need? - Can't I make small talk with my big bro, my bud? Okay, fine.
Here's the deal.
Mr.
Zarrow, he He loved our musical, okay? He did this thing where he, like, drank the script like it was a tasty milkshake, and now we have to finish the musical.
- We? - Yeah, you and me.
Okay, Sarah, do you not remember the gigantic fight that we had? You called me the Stephen Sondheim of dad jokes.
Oh, that's kind of a compliment, and you called me a humorless banshee or something.
It's all water under a bridge.
- Water under the bridge.
- Oh, boy.
Look.
We both said a lot of things.
But this is our musical now.
I need your help.
Will you just give it another shot? Please.
Well, I did have a song come to me in a dream about Rachel Carson and pesticides.
DDT OMG.
So you're back in? - Yeah.
- Oh, great! Okay, and this time, we'll just you know, we'll put down some ground rules.
You know, polite collaboration only.
Nothing negative.
Just compliments.
By the way, I like that shirt.
Thank you.
That hoodie looks freshly washed.
It is not.
But thank you.
Sorry, Connor.
Marina and I are just gonna hang out at Marina's today.
We are so sore.
We can't even move.
That means our sessions are working! That's great! Why don't you guys get some rest, and we'll pick things up in a day or two when you recover, kay? Okay.
You're the best.
I'll add it to our shared calendar.
Also, I started a shared calendar.
It's called "Buds!" Okay, great.
Bye.
Was he cool about it? Yeah, I just hate lying to him.
But we do need some space.
What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
This is better for everyone.
Come on.
It's starting.
What if we get caught? Just act like we've already paid, and if we like this one, we'll pay for the next one.
- Okay.
- Nice job, Jess! What, are they gonna take us to fitness court? Okay, squad.
Grab your resistance bands.
I wanna see those hip abductors nice and toasty.
Oof.
My legs are on fire.
- Yeah.
- Exercise that smile.
And I love his energy.
Yeah, I told you this would work.
Hey! You two in the back.
First time? Uh um Well, we Run for it.
Uh, how much are the classes? First class is free.
I did not know that.
Uh, oh Run for it! Okay, I should go! One more episode? I feel like we're not nearly as disciplined on our own.
But yes, one more.
Hey! Move! Where my sore hammies at? - Hey, Connor, what's up? - Hey.
Brought my massage gun to help you guys out.
That is so thoughtful.
Careful, though.
The highest setting can remove flesh from bone.
Oh You guys just hanging out in athleisure? Yeah, it's uh it's, uh, super comfy.
Mm-hmm.
Simon's Boot Camp? What? I think that's Tom's.
We cheated on you.
Marina.
You went to another trainer? And here I was thinking we had something special.
It is.
You're an amazing trainer, and that's not why we went to Simon.
Look, when you came to coffee, that was our Normals time.
Yeah, and you're, like, normal-ish, but you're not in the Normals.
No, I get it.
I'm not your friend, just your personal trainer.
Just a set of killer abs walking around, 1% body fat.
- Connor - Well, you know what? The heart is a muscle, too.
And you just tore mine.
And there's no massage gun for that.
If I can just say excellent sentence.
Great punctuation.
Why, thank you.
Look at us being civilized, mature.
Writing songs as a team.
Giving constructive criticism.
And I very much appreciate all your feedback.
And I appreciate your appreciation.
Shall we continue? Why shan't we? Okay.
Oh, my God.
It's awful.
I hate it.
I hate it so much.
Why do we have Mamie Eisenhower crumping? This this scene where Rita Moreno punches the devil What are we even saying? - I thought you liked it.
- I thought you liked it.
You know, something's just off.
The old pages they were messy, but they had energy.
Being polite hurt our creativity.
Like we compromised too much.
Huh.
Maybe in order to be great, we have to fight.
Thomas, I just want to apologize in advance for all the mean things that I'm about to say to you.
Oh, Sarah.
You don't even know.
Watch that form.
Hey, full full extensions.
There you go.
You got this.
I got this! So what's going on at school? Any hot goss? Uh, Amber thought Peyton ate her lunch crostini.
Uh-oh.
Yeah, but turns out she just ate it herself.
Is that the whole story? Um, pretty much.
Huh.
It started strong.
Lupe, how 'bout you? What's goin' on over at the salsa class? No chitchat while I'm in the zone.
Copy that.
Copy that.
Ooh, nice form, Gretch.
Lookin' good, Lupe! Uh-uh.
Uh, we came to return your massage gun and can we talk? Yeah, why don't you guys take five? We gotta head to Tom's soon anyways.
But I'm getting swole! So we wanna say sorry for hurting your feelings.
We just really wanted to protect the time that we have together.
But we really like hanging out with you, too, um, so we would love it if we can, um, keep working out.
Hmm.
To be honest That sounds pretty great.
- Oh! - Yeah, because these two have zero gossip game.
Like, their stories suck.
Seriously, we never get to hang out, the three of us, you know? There's always the kids, or Sarah, Tom Yeah, he's always there.
Uh, but I know it's not the Normals, but, uh, we could make our own group.
Ooh.
Could we get, like, a nickname, maybe a group chat? How about the, um, Ab-Normals? 'Cause we're gonna get sick abs soon.
Ooh! I already have sick abs though.
- Here, you wanna touch 'em? - I'm okay, no.
Come on! Whoa, not with that.
Seriously, those can take organs out, dude.
What do you think? I think we did it.
It's good, right? Yeah.
But at what cost? I just need a minute.
- Some things can't be unsaid.
- Oh, come on.
You threw a ceramic owl at me.
I threw it near you, and you were vicious too.
I was a trapped animal.
I was I was fighting for survival.
I think we need to see this on its feet.
I know, right? - It's really promising.
- It's really good.
Hey, I came to return these and say sorry.
Well, hope your friend got a good workout running away.
Uh, she actually got a huge blister.
It was a whole thing.
But your class is great.
Oh, it's lucky you caught me.
I gotta make it to my next class.
Oh, Pilates? Uh, no.
I volunteer teaching chemistry to underprivileged kids.
Wow, that is impressive.
I wish I could do more.
But anyway, you're welcome back anytime.
But you do have to pay.
Right.
Of course.
I can't afford it right now because my wife and I are saving up to get pregnant.
The price of quality sperm is outrageous.
Thanks, supply chain.
I have a lot of lesbian friends in the same situation.
I've actually donated my sperm a few times to help out.
Really? Sorry, I gotta go.
Hope to see you Thursday! - Okay.
- Okay, okay.
- Thank you - So - Oh, do you wanna - Sorry, you go first.
Oh, okay.
Um, okay.
You guys are in for such a treat.
Yes, thank you for coming to this workshop of our theatrical experience.
Some young, emerging artists are generously lending us their talents today.
On a personal note, - creativity is like a river - Tom.
Okay, yeah, no.
It's let's just go.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Straight from the capital, it's your girls, The Supremes! Elena Kagan! Sonya Sotomayor! And the one, the only, notorious RBG! You can't hurry law ♪ No, you must have debate ♪ She said law don't come easy ♪ Sometimes you kick it back to states ♪ But how many verdicts must we stand? ♪ Aw, this is amazing.
You two make a really good team.
Straight white man ♪ - You know what? We do.
- Yeah, we do.
- We're never doing it again.
- Oh, my God, never again.
Just hangin' on ♪ It's women's rights ♪ No they can't be gone no they can't, they can't ♪ You can't hurry law ♪ No, you must have debate ♪ Go Gretch! Ooh, nice, Kel! Eh, I don't know.
He added this himself.
I'm just saying I hate it when actors improvise.