Hot In Cleveland s02e17 Episode Script

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hey! Someone posted about me on ISpiedYouCleveland.
com.
Oh! You have a secret admirer? Yeah, listen do this "I spied you in Lakewood Park yesterday, "gorgeous brunette with amazing smile.
"With a delicate purposeful flick of your finger, "you tossed away strands of hair "behind you ear and melted my heart.
" Aw.
Hey, I was with you at the park.
So? So I could be the gorgeous brunette.
Well I suppose you could be, but But what? Well, he wrote, "amazing smile.
" But you never smile.
That's what makes it so amazing.
Okay, then how do you explain the line about the hair tuck? That's my signature move.
All right.
To humor you, let's write him back for some more details.
Yes, let's.
Gather round, people.
I have a major announcement.
My daughter Emmy is coming to visit.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, I haven't seen Emmy in so long.
Well, how old is she now? Let's see, she was born four years before Will, so she's what, 26? That sounds right.
Oh, no, I remember, because she was born the same year I received my first Emmy nomination for Edge of Tomorrow.
Yeah, I named her Emmy because I figured one way or another, I was gonna bring one home.
Speaking of which, how are Tony and Oscar? Well It was an honor just to give birth to them.
I just wish that I knew why Emmy was coming.
She's always up to something.
Well, what'd she say on the phone? That the Brazilian telenovela she starred in got canceled.
Noooo.
They canceled Too Poor to Dream? Well, I'll bet Emmy's coming because her show was canceled.
And your show was canceled.
So she's just looking for some sympathy, and her mother's love.
Fat chance.
I just read on TMZ she's writing a tell-all book about you.
What?! Oh, no! That's terrible! Well, it might not be bad.
Maybe she's writing a tell-all about what a great mother you are.
It's called Every day is Mother's day.
See? That's sweet.
Colon How I survived being raised by daytime's evil queen.
How did you get Emmy's book? Oh, my agent got advance review copies from her publisher.
Did you really send your housekeeper to stand in for you at Emmy's mother-daughter day? And I paid for her English lessons so she could pull it off.
Of course, they conveniently left that out.
Why did you send in a stand-in? Well, I didn't want Emmy to be alone.
And I was in Vancouver shooting the Lifetime original movie Always by your side.
Wait, you lied to her about being allergic to sugar? Well, technically, yes.
But, you know, but her perfect teeth and her gorgeous figure say, "thanks for the lie, mommy.
" I honestly meant well, you know.
And even when I had to be away, I always made sure she was well taken care of.
She absolutely adored her old Irish nanny, nanny Bridget.
You know, she's the reason that Emmy pronounces potatoes "puh-tay-toes".
Are you gonna tell her you got an advance copy of the book? Of course not.
No, I am gonna just shower her with kindness until she feels so bad she kills it.
Guilt, denial, emotional extortion Oh, who says I don't know how to mother? Oh, it's a follow-up post from the "I spied you Cleveland" guy.
Okay, okay.
Before we read this and find out which one of us he was talking about-- I don't want this to affect our friendship.
'Cause, you know, it could be either one of us.
Agreed.
May the most amazing smile win.
Here we go.
I'll arrange a meeting tomorrow.
We'll both go, and that way we'll know for sure.
Yes, well, you'll know for sure.
I already know.
Are you baking cookies for Emmy? Oh, I poured vanilla extract on tinfoil and put it in the oven.
Creates a warm and welcoming atmosphere.
So she'll never know I read the book.
What happens when she wants a cookie? Oh, well, that's why I woke up early this morning and drove over to that bakery on Franklin.
And then I scattered a half cup of flour all over the counter.
I whisked two eggs and put the shells in the sink so she'd be sure to see them.
Wouldn't it have been easier just to bake the cookies? I don't take shortcuts, Joy.
Anyway, all of this combined with my mirroring technique should win her over.
Mirroring? Yeah, it's an old acting trick.
You just behave exactly like the person you're with.
It makes them feel like they're being heard and subconsciously puts them on your side.
I do it with you guys all the time.
That's terrible! I agree! Mother.
Darling.
Every time I see you, you look younger than the time before.
I mean, who are you, Benjamin Button? Daughter darling, every time I see you, you're even more beautiful.
And who are you? Benjamin Button, junior? Hi.
Aw.
Ohhh.
Melanie and Joy, it's so good to see you.
Hi, Emmy.
So I made up the guest room, and tonight I am going to cook you your favorite dinner.
Broiled salmon and fingerling puh-tay-toes.
Wait a minute.
I smell foil cookies.
Why are you being so nice? Oh, my God, you read the book! Oh, my God, I read the book! Ha! I should've known! Ha! You should've! I think your mom is just hurt by some of the things that you wrote.
Well, I mean, they had to be said.
She was a terrible mother, gallivanting from set to set, leaving your two children to be raised by staff.
I left three children.
I-- Yes, three.
Right, I always forget Tony.
Well, it's easy to do.
I mean, a civil engineer? What does that even mean? That he's nice when he drives a train? I know.
And who even takes trains anymore? Anyway, the point is, you were never around.
Yeah, well, I had to work.
And I don't recall you complaining when I bought you boobs for your 16th birthday.
Well, I wanted a car.
Yeah, well, those boobs got you rides in lots of cars.
And I cannot believe that you came here just to throw your book in my face.
Actually, I came here to get a quote from you.
After I threw my book in your face.
Well.
I'm sorry that I wasn't the mother that you wanted me to be.
Well, I'm sorry that I wasn't the daughter you wanted me to be.
Oh, my God, how dare you mirror me? Just like your career, this conversation is over.
I'm on hiatus.
Why did you go outside? It was too long a cross to go upstairs to my bedroom, and I didn't want her to have the first slam.
Well, that didn't go well.
God, I just wish there was someone who could get through to her.
Well, I could give it a try.
Oh, that's sweet of you, Mel, but let's face it, you're a wuss.
I mean, she'd just eat you alive.
And you're mean enough, Joy, but, well, your personality can be off-putting.
Not everyone gets your dry Heartless wit.
Are you trying to get us to write a tell-all book? Oh, I am sorry.
Well, honey, don't you think the best person to talk to her would be The woman that raised her? Of course.
You're absolutely right.
So here she is.
The woman who raised you, your old nanny Bridget.
Yes, 'tis I, nanny Bridget.
He said he'd be the one with the rose at his table.
Oh, boy.
Let's get out of here before he sees us.
He's waving us over.
Welcome.
I'm Austin.
I'm glad you ladies made it.
You were expecting both of us? Yes, I wanted to give you both a shot, so I kept it vague.
Look, you seem like a nice kid, and you write amazing prose, but for obvious reasons, this is not gonna work out.
I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding a girl your own age.
I'm already in a satisfying relationship.
Now, I'm looking for someone for my father.
"I spied you Cleveland"? Welcome.
What's going on here? You posted about her, too? I'll explain.
Have a seat.
I have two roses.
One of you will be eliminated before we get to the final round with my dad.
So this is for a date with your father? Look, this is crazy.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, well, then I guess he's all yours.
I hope you like abs.
I suppose we could stay for a minute.
Is that allowed? They did leave.
My dad rowed crew for Harvard and later competed in the '98 Olympics.
He owns his own landscape architecture firm.
And he's also recently widowed.
So basically, this is just like Sleepless in Seattle.
Aw You look so different.
Time can be a cruel mistress.
Have you seen Val Kilmer lately? I mean she's prettier than I remember.
As are you, my wee 'un.
Ah, you're as buxom as the hills of Derry.
Emphasis on the Derry.
I just grew up.
But you look like a totally different person.
Okay, over the years, I've sent money to nanny Bridget for some extensive plastic surgery.
I asked her not to say anything because I like my good deeds to be secret.
What good deeds? You see? Okay.
Yeah.
I can see it right there in your eyes.
It is you.
Nanny, it's so good to see you.
Well, I'll just leave you two alone, then.
Yep, you always did.
Now, don't be talkin' to your mother like that.
I'm sorry, nanny.
Look, I know that this is gonna sound really silly, but will you please sing me that song that I used to love when I was a little girl? Aye, that I will.
Now, close your wee eyes, as you always did.
I don't remember that.
And maybe close your wee mouth, too.
[Singing to tune of "Danny boy" Oh, Emmy girl the boys, the boys are calling from Beverly Glen and down the valley side Oh, my God.
You still write on your hand, just like you did when I was little.
Aye, 'tis true.
Uh, and speaking of writin'.
I didna raise ye to write bad things about your mother.
Life is like a box o' lucky charms.
Sure, there's the green clovers and the yellow moons.
But it is also 80% dry oaty stuff.
I understand.
You want me to remember the good times and not dwell on the bad.
Aye, that I do.
You're not gonna get rid of the hurt by-- by hurtin' someone else.
You know, it's like when I was little and Janice Lowrey, she beat me out for the sugarplum fairy in The Nutcracker, and I ended up playing the frickin' bonbon.
Uh, exactly.
So naturally, you know, I put butter on the bottom of her ballet shoe, and then she slipped and ended up in a cast, and I felt terrible because then she got all of the attention.
I mean, she even got her own curtain call.
Just like your book.
It could make everyone feel sorry for your mum.
And--and she gets all the attention.
Oh, my God, you're right.
Uh-huh.
I have to call my agent and tell him to cancel the book and the movie.
Movie? Paramount called this morning, and they want to turn the book into a movie, and they wanted my mom and I to play ourselves.
Stop whatever you are doing, Emmy.
I just learned that this woman is a fraud.
She is not your nanny Bridget.
- She's not? - I'm not? No.
Here, quick, give me your phone so I can call the authorities.
Okay, well, what is going on? That is exactly what I intend to get to the bottom of.
Now, I want you out of this house at once, and do not come back.
Aren't you forgettin' a little something? Oh, now you're demanding some sort of bribe to get out of here? Well, fine.
Here.
Take these field box Indian tickets, and be gone.
I not be seein' a parking pass.
Oh, it's in there.
Well, Emmy darling, about our movie How'd it go on your one-on-one date with Austin? It was good.
He said we really connected.
I don't know why she's still in the running.
He said he was looking for someone down-to-earth.
Oh, she is so not down-to-earth.
We're down-to-earth.
Oh, my God, this is bonkers.
Let's just go.
You're right, you're right.
You should go.
You're just trying to get me out of the competition.
No, no, no, I'm just staying because I think it might make a really great article for my Woman's Day column.
You have got to stop justifying everything with that bloody column.
Last night you had a second piece of cheesecake because you said it would make a good article.
Joy.
Melanie.
I've made my decision.
Please join me at the table for the rose ceremony.
I have a major announcement to make.
I have a major announcement.
Since you've agreed to be in the movie, I have decided that I will pretend to have forgiven you.
Oh, and I will pretend to have forgiven you, too.
So what's your major announcement? Well, you were never really allergic to pizza.
Well, I wish I would have known that when I played a pizza maker's daughter in the Telemundo original movie Her father makes the pizza.
You were wonderful in that movie.
You know, you really are a very talented actress, Emmy.
Well, I learned from the best.
All those years rehearsing lines with you for Edge of tomorrow.
You know, and as a very tiny girl, you did a most convincing Jean Marc Dematteis, international jewel thief.
Thank you.
Honor Saint Raven, I have stolen jewels from all over the world, but it is you who is a thief, for you have stolen my heart.
You're wrong about that.
Because I am not Honor Saint raven.
I am her evil twin sistah, Magnolia Saint Raven.
And I am not Jean Marc Dematteis.
Daddy? Oh.
You know, my favorite thing was when dad was away on business.
- Mm.
- And we'd just get to To stay up late, reading over your next day's script, eating our salads in your bed.
Oh, I loved those nights, too.
You know, when I was doing research for my book, I asked dad what business he was in, but he was very vague.
His business, uh, was up-to-no-good business.
See, your father had a wandering eye.
That's how we ended up with old nanny Bridget.
You know, I figured even your father wouldn't hit on an old Irish woman who reeked of potatoes.
I never knew any of this.
Well, no child should have to.
See, my dad did the same thing, and I did know.
And I just was trying to spare you that.
Sometimes it's good to be an actress in real life, too.
And I know that every parent uses it as an excuse, but I really did do the very best that I could.
I know, mom.
And I genuinely do forgive you.
Oh, thank you.
But we cannot put that in the movie.
I mean, it will ruin the ending.
Joy.
Melanie.
Eileen.
This has been an incredible journey.
Each of you is very special.
But as you know, I only have two roses.
The suspense is killing me.
I know.
He really knows how to drag it out.
Eileen.
We had an amazing time playing darts.
But I can't help but feeling that you're a very guarded person.
You have a wall around your heart.
She is so outta here.
I'd like my dad to have a chance to see behind that wall.
What? What's behind that wall is a vacant lot.
Eileen, will you accept this rose? I will.
Oh! Joy.
Melanie.
I wish I could take you both to the final round.
But there's only one rose left.
Yes, we know.
Would you please just tell us who it is already? I will But first let me say you're both amazing, and any guy would be lucky to have either of you.
Two women.
One rose.
This wasn't an easy decision.
But the final rose goes to - Austin! - Dad? Oh, are you doing this again? I told you before.
I'm not leaving your stepmother.
I'm sorry about this, ladies.
Come on, Austin.
Sorry.
Wait, who would've gotten the rose? Yes, not that it matters, but which one of us would you have chosen? The one with the sparkle in her eye and the sadness in her heart.
Aw So who's gonna play me in the movie? Don't know, but I described you as the Sandra Bullock type.
Yes! I love Sandra Bullock! And I should be played by Kate Beckinsale.
Everyone says I look exactly like-- No, they don't.
Nobody says it.
You say it.
Oh, sorry, it's a text from my agent.
I have been offered the lead in a new telenovela, Chica blanca loca.
- Oh! - Congratulations! Honey, I am so proud of you.
But you're still gonna be able to do our movie, right? Yeah, of course.
Oh, honey, I am so proud of you.
The downside is they want me in Ecuador tomorrow for a camera test.
Anyway, I've gotta go pack.
Yeah, I'll help you.
Ooh, Emmy.
You're an impartial observer.
Which one of us has a sparkle in her eye and a sadness in her heart? My mom.
- Aw.
- Aw.
That's dear.
But it's not an answer.