Housebroken (2021) s02e17 Episode Script

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Good morning.
Huh, it's a lot more moany in
here than usual.
Bellies seem bigger
and something's definitely
going on with the nipples.
Wait a second.
How long has it been
since the big blackout?
Oh, no.
Birthquake!
Have you seen Linda's new
Hey whoa!
Oh, my God!
It's happening.
Just like in my dream!
Remember that dream
I told you about?
The one with the kitties?
So I had
a small medical procedure,
- but before anyone calls me
- Conehead!
Ah, guys, guys, guys.
You know how loud things sound
with the cone.
Please.
- What happened?
- I had a fatty deposit
on my thigh that exploded.
Nothing about
an animal body is gross.
Except for ducks
and their corkscrew pokers.
Okay, let's move on to
something more interesting to me.
You would not believe how I was treated
at Nicole Richie's house last night!
Oh, I am so glad to be here.
- This is such a classy cocktail party.
- It's a cockatiel party.
So, uh,
what is the difference
between a cockatiel
and a cockatoo?
- Is this a bit?
- Is he working out material
- on us?
- I hate LA.
- VIP only.
- Yeah, that's right, VIP
Very Important Pig!
You're not on the list.
And she's having
another shindig tonight!
If only I had
a cool wingman by my side.
It might boost me up to VIP!
Oh, I suppose I could
- move some things around
- Shel, what are you doing tonight?
Well, Darla and I haven't done
reverse Oompa Loompa in a while.
Does everything always
have to be about sex with you?
Birds gotta fly,
tortoises gotta freak.
What do you think?
Is it time for Team Shelax
- to ride again?
- Oh, hells yeah.
I'm ready to rock out
with my cloaca out.
- Yeah!
- Ew.
I don't know
how I'm gonna do this.
No, no, no, no, no.
Whoa, Madge is
less coherent than usual.
What's going on,
The Exposition One?
Well, after the birthquake,
Animal Control named our house
- a dangerous health hazard.
- That's crazy. We're fine.
Now Madge has to
get rid of all of us
- except one.
- Whoa, that's horrible.
How is she
possibly going to pick
which of us she loves most?
The same way anyone
in this position would
in the selection style of
her favorite television show.
Welcome
to "The Cat-Chelorette."
The cat-chelorette
will go on a series
of dates as part of her
journey to find love.
These cats better prepare to
charm her Kirkland Signature
flannel pajama pants off,
because this is sure to be
the most dramatic season yet.
- Chico, what are you doing here?
- Well, every reality show
needs a host,
and I have a sixth sense
for when one of these
is about to break out
you know,
like how dogs can tell
when earthquakes are coming,
and how alligators
- can tell if someone's gay.
- Alli-gay-dar, sure.
But if I don't win, that
means I lose my Madge forever.
And you'll be taken away by
Animal Control to be destroyed
in a humane,
but efficient manner.
So not "Cat-chelor in Paradise"?
Trust me
you wanna win this game.
Obviously, I have feelings
for my human.
Who wouldn't?
She's the total package.
I love her long nails
with food underneath
almost as much as her warm
butt print in the couch.
But we've never really bonded.
I have a hard time
showing affection.
I mean, I did throw up in her shoes
once, but she never really reciprocated.
You've got
to help me stand out.
Gray One, if I don't approach
this job with integrity and honor,
then I'm just a cat shilling
dish soap and 5G coverage.
Okay, Cat-Chelorette Nation,
we'll be back
right after this message
from AT&T's new
Lemon-Scented Wireless.
- Chief, shh, I'm sleeping.
- I wish I was sleeping.
- Uh, wait, what? Who's talking?
- I'm talking.
Wait, what?
You're dropping out.
Can can't you hear me?
- All right, let me try moving.
- Okay, can you hear me now?
- Yes, that's better. Who is this?
- You called me.
I did? Oh, well, okay.
I'm a French poodle.
My name is Honey.
I'm a French poodle too.
- Huh.
- I'm in Van Nuys.
I think I can hear
you because I'm wearing a cone.
I had a fatty deposit
that exploded.
- But how can you hear me?
- Oh, my God, mine exploded too.
So they put this cone on me
at the shelter.
- I'm sorry.
- Nobody wants a dog
- with exploding fatty deposits.
- That's not true.
One day, your Jill will come,
and in the meantime,
I can keep you company
- I mean, if you want.
- I would love that.
Yeah, you sound like someone
I can really talk to.
What's your name?
Well, the shelter
gives us celebrity names
because they think
we'll get adopted faster.
They call me James Corden.
- I guess that's why I'm still here.
- Yeah, I'll call you Amigo.
That means "friend" in French.
Here we are, in front
of the mansion where our human
will begin her journey.
Oh, and here come
the first of our cat-testants.
Hi, I'm The Not Here
To Make Friends One.
- I think you'll find I'm a real cat-ch.
- Send in the next one.
And where's
our next cat-testant?
- Would you look at that?
- Yes, yes.
I love you already, babes.
I'm The Here
For The Wrong Reasons One.
Smash that like button.
I'd hate to have to follow that.
I wonder who
it's The Gray One!
I only have eye for you.
Ooh.
Pillow cat?
Well, I guess
we know who's gonna get
- the first impression treat.
- Hmm.
How am I supposed
to compete with that?
Psst, if you want more
airtime, squeeze out some tears
- or puke, man.
- I don't want airtime.
I want Madge time.
Okay, okay, we'll dub in
the puke sounds later.
All right, check it out, my friend.
Anyone who belongs
to anyone is right here
Post Malone's hairless cat,
Sia's sheep dog,
Uma Thurman's fainting goat,
of course.
Hey, Scott!
Come on. Let's take a
lap and make fun of
the other animals to make
ourselves feel better.
I've missed this.
- Huh, what's going on over there?
- This is crazy.
They're having tortoise races,
and you're a tortoise!
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
That this whole bro night
was an elaborate setup to get
- me to run a tortoise race for you?
- Okay, yes, it was.
I was humiliated
at the last party,
and I thought maybe
if you won the tortoise race,
that would be our ticket
to a real bro night
- in the VIP section. I'm sorry.
- Hey, look at me.
The first rule of Team Shelax
is never be embarrassed
of asking someone
to come to a Hollywood party
- and run a tortoise race for you.
- What a specific rule!
- You got this, Shel!
- We got this.
- Oh, yeah!
- On your marks, get set
- You got this!
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
Oh, yeah, whoo!
Sheeps is race!
Let's do it!
We got a pileup.
- Whoo!
- Oh, yeah!
- You got this!
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
- All right!
- Yes!
- Yes!
- That's my bro!
- Yes!
- Love it!
- We did it!
Max, wait up.
- Sorry, no racers in VIP.
- But that's racerist!
Max, they're not letting me in.
What?
Well, rules are rules.
- Catch you later, bro!
- Hmm
Madge is everything
I've ever wanted.
Yeah, she's covered in crumbs.
I'm really nervous.
But just looking around, I mean,
this is the perfect place
to fall in love.
So watch out, Madge.
I'm coming for you.
Attention, cats,
the human is making her way
into the bathroom,
where she'll begin preparing
for our first group date,
and our selection
for the group date is
The Furry One,
The Drinks Too Much One,
The Here
For The Wrong Reasons One,
The Probably Not A Cat One,
and
The Gray One.
Whew.
I don't know
if it's the filthy bathtub
filled with overdue
electric bills talking,
but I think I'm falling in love.
I wrote you this song,
"Your Bathtub is a Wonderland."
You can listen to it on iTunes
for 99¢
or the explicit version for $1.29.
Madge, sometimes, it's hard
for me to express myself,
but I'm willing to put it
all on the line for you,
because if I don't,
I'll regret it
- Hey, can I steal her for a second?
- Ah!
You're so hot.
Oh, my God.
They adopted Judge Judy?
Yeah, after playing with me
for, like, an hour.
I even begged.
I'm pathetic.
No, Amigo.
What did I tell you?
I have to be Amigo's amigo
before Amigo can be
anyone else's amigo.
Hey, come on.
I got this squirrel cornered.
- Let's scare the nuts off him.
- Ah, not so loud.
Can't you see I'm on the cone?
God.
Again? Every time I wanna play
with you, you're on the cone.
- I wish that fatty tumor never exploded!
- It was a fatty deposit.
- Chief?
- Ugh, cringe.
Three treats have been given.
Cats, this is the final treat
of the night.
Human, whenever you're ready.
- Here.
- Oh, my God.
Maybe she does know
how I feel about her.
Aw, pocket pasta.
I can't wait to introduce
Madge to my parents.
I just hope she
doesn't bring up politics.
For those of you
who didn't get a treat tonight,
I have to ask you to head
into your elimination crates.
But first, take a moment
and say your goodbyes.
Before I let you in, would
you mind lifting your plumage?
- What the hell?
- Um, where am I?
How did I get here?
Can you believe the way
they're treating us?
We're out here racing,
and they're in there,
- having the time of their lives.
- Now that you mention it,
it does feel like
we do all the work,
and they have all the fun.
Oh, I guess
I'm Max's best friend
until something
better comes along.
Oh, I feel the same way
cheap and used,
- which normally, I love.
- Well, we have the power here.
The next time they ask
us to race, we say no!
- Yeah!
- Preach!
There's nothing we can't do
if we come together!
Oh, I like the sound of that.
Reminds me of a story
fall of 1914,
I find a soldier's helmet.
Guys, come on. Keep focused.
This is difficult enough.
- That's what she said.
- Ugh.
- That's not even how that works.
- She said that too.
- So my cone's coming off tomorrow.
- How are we going to talk?
I guess we could
talk in person.
I could come to the shelter.
Oh, I I didn't
want to tell you this,
- but I I ran away.
- What, why?
Well, I thought
I'd have a better chance
- on the streets.
- Are you okay?
I guess. I didn't know where
to go, so I went to the zoo.
They take dogs, don't they?
Just stay where you are.
I'm coming.
That's it.
I'm gonna follow her
because I have
nothing else to do.
All right, Gray One,
you're gonna get some
quality one-on-one time
with the human
- in her fantasy suite.
- You mean
That's right, the room
with all the broken box fans
a real chance for you
to finally open up
and take this
to the next level.
But what if I can't?
Then I'd lose Madge.
Good luck.
I just purred so hard
I reached cerebral hypoxia.
You know what? That's it.
I'm done.
I am done with this.
He's gone rogue.
He's taking off his beetle
- that looks like a mic.
- We got a runner!
The Gray One!
The Gray One!
- He's gone, man!
- The Gray One, come back!
We'll be right back.
The Gray One!
Wait up!
Come on.
Let's talk about it.
That go, get out of here.
Is it that you don't love her?
Did you sign up for this, thinking
it was "America's Cat Talent"
or "South America's Gato Talent"?
I can't purr.
I've never been able to,
and it'll be exposed
in the fantasy suite,
Madge will think I hate her,
and I'll never
get to see her again!
Gray One, if you love her,
and she loves you,
it won't matter
that you can't purr.
Okay. I guess I should
just trust the process.
There you go.
You dropped this.
Thanks, Cheeks.
Can we get him another mic?
Now, remember,
when the whistle blows,
- no one moves.
- Or and just hear me out
instead of not moving,
why don't we get
all our bits and pieces
all tangled up together?
- Yeah!
- Let's do this.
Tortoises, take your marks.
- Whoo!
- You got this!
This is fun.
We should all go
on a couples vacation
together and swap.
That's it!
Does everything always
have to be about sex with you?
- Ready
- We're fighting for justice here.
Can you please stop being
such vile, depraved
- Set
- Oh, yeah, keep calling me names.
I can't with you.
Yeah!
- Whoo!
- Team Shelax wins again!
- I did it!
- He set us up.
Someone say,
"He stabbed us in the back."
I have a great single entendre.
Amigo!
- Amigo!
- Honey? Over here.
Why are you
in the crocodile enclosure?
- Are there crocodiles in there?
- No, no, just me.
Okay, don't move.
Ah, crocodile!
- Where's Amigo?
- I have another confession
I really enjoyed our chats.
I'm going to miss them.
Why?
Did you finally get adopted?
Oh.
Ah, ah!
Oh, so loud!
So loud!
Chief, thank God.
Louder!
I'm so stupid.
I can't believe I got croc-fished.
Aw, it's okay.
You just wanted to help him.
Yeah, and I'm sorry
it caused me to ignore you.
You know what?
I had forgotten, but thank you.
You know what we should do?
Watch the giraffes pee.
- From a safe distance.
- In the splash zone.
There he is!
Oh, that was great back there
- another victory for Team Shelax!
- Oh, just cut the crap, okay?
You don't give a damn
about Team Shelax.
The minute you had a better
offer, you abandoned me.
Whaaat?
Okay, yeah, you're right.
I totally did that.
Meanwhile, I was stuck with
a bunch of depraved windbags.
Everything out of their mouths
was about intercourse!
Well, if I'm being honest,
that VIP room was just a bunch
of name-dropping pets who were
so self-absorbed, it was
like I wasn't even there.
So how did your evening go?
- I wasn't really listening before.
- The part that hurts the most
is that I thought
we really worked as bros.
We did.
I'm sorry about bailing on you
back there, and if you
can find it in your shell
- to forgive me, maybe
- Yes, but do you think
we should explore our dynamic
and why this happened?
- Of course not!
- And that's why we work.
Team Shelax rides again!
Let's get out of here.
This place is a total sausage fest.
- Tell us, come on.
- Okay, the truth is
last night wasn't purr-fect.
I just couldn't purr.
But I I still think
we had a great connection.
She flossed her toes
with my tail.
That's gotta mean something.
With dozens of cats
in their crates,
soon to be carted off
to certain death
- What?
- The stakes are high.
But the highest stakes
are love.
With five cats left
and only four treats,
this is going to be her
toughest decision yet.
Wow, this is unprecedented
here at Cat-Chelor nation.
The human has eaten
one of the treats herself,
and now only has
three treats left.
This will be
the toughest decision yet.
I can't believe this!
Are you getting all this?
Well, cats,
there's only one treat left.
Whoever receives this treat
will get to stay here
with the human
and live happily ever after.
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
Why does this always
happen to me?
I should've known I could never
be as lovable and supportive
as a pillow.
How many buckwheat hulls
do I have in me? Zero.
For those of you
who didn't receive a treat
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nobody wants us.
Head to our crates.
Gray One, no, you can't
go to Animal Control.
Where else can an unlovable,
can't-purr cat go?
You are totally wrong.
I mean, yes, you are
nothing like a pillow,
but you are lovable.
- I love you. You're my best friend.
- Aw, Cheeks.
- What's that sound?
- What?
- The Gray One, you're purring!
- I am purring!
You made me purr!
Thank you, Chico!
I just wish you had told me
you loved me before
I locked myself in this crate.
Go for Carla.
Yeah, we got a call about a
celebrity pet tortoise racing ring.
Not today.
Not today!
Yay, we're free!
- Let's go home!
- Back to the squalor we left for some reason!
That was really fun. I get
why you like reality shows now.
Do you wanna come to an
episode of "Love is Blind"?
I can sense
they're taping nearby.
Are you kidding me?
I'm halfway there.
I'm also a cat like you are.
Can I come too?
Sure.
Purr, I'm a cat.
Purr.
'Kay, looks good.
- No more cats.
- No.
Well then, thank you
for complying with
- Bye.
- City ordinance 1752948-2.
- Ah
- Mm. Oh, my sweet Gray One.
- All right! Pocket pork!
- Meow.