How I Met Your Father (2022) s02e17 Episode Script

1
Upbeat theme playing ♪
Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
Son, back in the day,
my friends and I spent
way too much time on our phones.
SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
Is this another tangent?
Yes! But it's a fun one.
It even has a musical guest.
[quiet bar chatter] [soft music playing]
Why is Rachel wishing everyone
a happy International Daughters Day?
Do you think she's dating
a new woman with a daughter?
Oh, my God.
Rachel's gonna be a sexy stepmom,
and I'm gonna die alone!
So, Ellen's gone mad
since breaking up with Rachel.
Ellen, I think you need a phone break.
Yeah, she's not the only one.
♪
Oh! Which Power Ranger am I?
Enough!
We need a break!
An entire day with no phones,
no screens, no internet.
Who's with me?
SID: Hey!
Now Charlie has to clean that up.
Come on! Anyone?
Fine. I'm in.
Whole day with no Internet. Ha!
On an unrelated note, does anyone know
if they still make porno magazines?
Sid, gimme.
[sighs] Done.
Mm. Anybody else?
Yeah, I'm in. [clears throat]
Won't even be hard for me.
Unlike the rest of you losers,
I'm not a prisoner to my phone.
'Cause I read novels. And I write music.
- And I think.
- Hm
Also, I got my first date
with Parker tonight,
and I never use my phone on dates
because I like to be present,
to observe
and slay.
Hoo!
- Dude!
- Ooh
You're going out with the cute
gym teacher from your school?
Mm-hmm. I just did a cool,
casual ask a colleague out,
ran it up the flagpole with HR,
filled out the requisite paperwork,
was assigned my witness,
and invited her to dinner.
Hey, Val. You with us?
The Taupe Ranger? Who the hell is that?
- Hey! What the
- I'm invoking
my BFF power of attorney.
Sid, put these in the bar safe.
At midnight, we'll all meet back here,
collect our phones,
and toast to our glorious device-free day!
So what do we do now?
Just sit here.
Alone.
With our thoughts.
Quick, somebody say something.
I don't do well alone with my thoughts.
Oh no. Here they come.
♪
What's wrong? You look great.
I know,
but I can't post a selfie,
so no one will ever know.
I got my first paycheck.
But, I can't use my phone,
so we have to go deposit it
the old-fashioned way.
♪
What a great phone-free walk that was!
I waltzed with a doorman.
I waved to a dog in a stroller.
I nodded thoughtfully at a mural to show
that I supported its political message.
Is your eye twitching?
Gah! We should have gotten pagers
to ease the comedown!
Val, just breathe. [Val exhales]
Okay, you need to lean in
to phone-free life. Just
take in this bank with me. Oh, my God.
It's a pen on a chain! [laughs]
Fine. I'll take in the bank.
Okay. [Val sighs]
Clock.
- Door.
- Mm-hmm.
VALENTINA: Uh
Lance Bass and Joey Fatone.
Wait, what?
Holy shit. Holy shit.
Oh, my God, it's 40% of NSYNC.
Oh, my God.
They still hang out together.
They still bank together.
Oh, my God, if we go to more banks,
do you think we can collect them all?
G-God! I love NSYNC!
Stridex Medicated Acne Pads Presents
The Monsters of Pop Tour
was my first concert!
Uh-uh, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't try to out-NSYNC fan me.
I learned how to masturbate
to Digital Get Down.
W-We have to go talk to them.
W-What do we do? What do we do?!
Brush their hair out of their eyes
and kiss 'em.
Um I think you dropped this?
[giggles] Did I? Oh, silly old me.
[Sophie laughs]
We're new to in-person banking,
so we just didn't realize how
slippery the pens are.
[laughs]
Y'all are funny.
I don't mean to brag,
but my friends did call me
the laughingstock of our high school.
[Sophie laughing]
That's sad. But, look at you now.
I mean, you're a banking beauty.
- Oh, that's good.
- Right? Song.
She's a banking beauty ♪
Doing her financial duty ♪
And her friend is a total cutie! ♪
I don't know, is this real life?
[excited squeal, clears throat]
So [giggles], so
W-W-What are you guys doing at the bank?
I don't trust mobile deposits.
People are too dependent
on their phones nowadays.
Oh, my God, we're in the middle of
a phone-free challenge right now.
That's so cool.
- It was my idea.
- LANCE: Oh, nice.
Well, uh, if you wanna do something
without your phones tonight,
we're going to a party.
Would you guys like to come?
[quiet wheeze]
I mean [clears throat],
yeah, sure, I guess.
- Yeah, I'm down.
- LANCE: Alright, great.
- It's at the old bologna factory.
- See you there?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, not if we see you first.
But you probably won't
'cause we're really short.
There's gonna be lots of people there.
[both laugh]
Well, can't wait to hang ♪
Banking beauties ♪
Alright, buddy, it's over, alright?
We have some errands to do.
We gotta go to Meineke.
We gotta go to the post office. Let's go.
Well, c-can we still go to Jamba Juice?
We'll see.
"We'll see" means no.
Lance, you always say that!
[excited squealing]
Can't believe we're gonna party
with NSYNC at the old bologna factory!
I know, I know, I know, I know!
Where is the old bologna factory?
- No idea. I thought you knew.
- Nuh-uh.
I didn't want Lance to think we were dumb.
- I mean, he almost went to space.
- Mm!
Uh, we'll just look it up.
How?
H-H-How do people find stuff
without the internet?!
♪
So, this is a library.
What's that smell? [sniffs]
Knowledge.
♪
I am telling you, a spa day
is the perfect way
to take your mind off Rachel.
We have cucumber water, face masks,
essential oil diffuser. Huh?
Guess the smell. Go on.
It's tea tree!
The FedEx guy just left
a giant box at Rachel's door.
No signature required.
- Interesting.
- Ellen
I bet it's that mini-trampoline
she's always wanted.
Maybe, she'll come over and ask me
if I wanna jump on it,
and then I'll say,
"Take me back forever says what?"
And then she'll say, "What?"
And then she'll take me back.
And then we'll bounce and bounce
forever and ever and ever.
Okay! This madness ends now.
We are going to have
a nice, relaxing spa day,
stop obsessing over Rachel
whether you like it
or not.
Sucker!
I can still see through the crack.
Right. [grunts, sighs]
Do not make me tape you, too.
Oh, my God.
♪
Well, thank you for picking
a vegetarian place for me.
You know, I was just reading
in the Atlantic
that most of the world's population
will have to give up meat
by 2100 because of climate change.
- Yeah.
- [whistles] Interesting.
Huh.
[thinking] That is interesting,
but you don't know anything about it.
Go to the bathroom
and google climate change
so she thinks you're interesting, too.
You can't.
You don't have your phone. Huh.
That's okay, big guy.
You don't need your phone.
You're a great conversationalist.
A raconteur.
Well, I'll be dead by 2100.
[clears throat]
And so will you. I mean,
you know, you'll be dead for sure, so
I mean, yeah, I-I hope so.
I would not look cute at 110.
[loud laugh]
JESSE:
You're not a raconteur. You're an idiot!
You just told her when she'd be dead by.
Evening, you two.
Let me tell you
about our specials tonight.
JESSE: You can turn this around.
You just read that Esquire article
about surefire ways
to impress a woman on a first date.
What were some of them?
Pull out her chair!
She's already sitting.
Be fun! Uh, be generous!
Yes, that's it. Be generous!
We'll take all of them!
All six of the specials?
- Are you sure?
- Yep!
I'm just a fun
try-a-lot-of-stuff kinda guy.
[clears throat] And give us
your best bottle of champagne.
Right away.
Hey, it's on me.
I gotta keep racking up these points
if I'm ever gonna
make it to Quebec City.
[laughs]
JESSE: She laughed!
She loved your Quebec City joke!
You're crushing this,
and she's gonna think you're hot shit
when you slap your card down
Your credit card's in your phone case.
You have no way of paying for this
dinner, you stupid idiot. [angry grunt]
♪
♪
Here it is.
The answer to all of our problems.
A Complete History of Manhattan's
Meat Factories, Volume Two.
Do you know how I got this?
One of the grandmas
who worked here climbed a ladder.
This book is gonna take us
straight to NSYNC.
[squeals] Okay.
B
for bologna factory
- Hm.
- What?
There's, like,
dozens of old bologna factories.
[sighs] Who knew New York
was such a hub for deli meat?
I'm never gonna get to
hook up with Lance Bass, am I?
Val.
He's famously gay.
Lance Bass?
- No! He dated Topanga.
- Oh, my God.
If I had my phone right now, I would
show you Lance's beautiful husband.
If I had my phone,
I would google where
the bologna factory is!
Well, you don't have your phone
because we made a pact.
You know what? Screw the pact.
I didn't DocuSign shit!
[Sophie scoffs]
[both sigh]
See? We are so relaxed,
we look like the women
in the "after" part
of an antidepressant commercial.
Mm-hmm. Totally relaxed over here.
Serene music playing ♪
[mouthing]
Charlie?
I think we need to take
this spa day to the next level.
Massages? Well, I am open to it,
- but your hands are so tiny and cold.
- ELLEN: No.
Sensory deprivation.
To truly disconnect and relax,
we need to block out the world.
Busy Philipps said on her podcast
that she does
a sensory deprivation spa day
whenever she's stressed.
Well, I trust anyone
that was in the film White Chicks.
Right. I'm in.
Ah.
Charlie?
Charlie
[deep voice] Charlie!
Oh, damn it.
Espionage music playing ♪
[hissing]
Oop.
[hissing continues]
JESSE: Don't panic. You've got this.
Just call a friend to come
spot you a few hundred bucks.
Think, Jesse. Think!
Just call any phone number
you know by heart.
[dialing]
DEEJAY [on phone]: This is 88.1 WESU-FM,
Wesleyan University's
number-one radio station.
[Jesse sighs]
Can you play Sweater Weather
by The Neighbourhood?
[sighs]
[thinking]
Okay. Just go tell Parker the truth.
She'll spot you for dinner,
you'll pay her back,
and one day, you'll laugh about this.
A story to tell the grandkids.
Who knows?
Maybe we will live till we're 110!
Nope. You can't tell her. Damn it.
You could have memorized
your credit card number, Jesse,
instead of Coach Taylor's speech
from the Friday Night Lights pilot.
- Sid, I need my phone back.
- Sid, give me back my phone now.
Sid, do not give her her phone, or her.
God, you guys are weak.
I am not gonna let you quit this
like you quit our ballet lesson!
My toes were bloody stumps!
Okay, I'm only giving phones back
in case of absolute emergencies.
So, Ellen, state your emergency.
I have to know what Rachel is doing.
Like, what if she posts one of
those TikTok videos that goes,
"One thing about me is"
I wanna know what the thing is.
- Request denied.
- I hate you.
You're the meanest person I've ever met,
and I rode in an elevator
with Rachael Ray.
What did Rachael Ray do?
Hey! Hey. What did Rachael Ray do?!
My thing is an emergency.
Sophie and I need to find
an old bologna factory,
so we can go to a party with NSYNC!
You mean the Schmitz
Meatpacking Warehouse on 14th Street?
Yeah, it's an old bologna factory
that's an event space now.
- How do you know that?!
- Seriously?
I know I sound like a broken record,
but there is nothing I love more
than an old processed meat factory. Mm.
I must have not been there for that.
Come on. Let's go party with NSYNC!
- Okay, let's!
- SOPHIE: Wait, wait, wait.
- Why are you coming?
- Do you like NSYNC?
Seriously?
Oh, this?
Just an exact replica
of Justin Timberlake's iconic
American Music Awards red carpet look.
And I know. I sound like
a broken record, but, uh
I'm an NSYNC superfan.
Huh. I have no memory of that either.
Me neither. I definitely wasn't there.
[excited giggling, squealing]
BOTH:
Lance and Joey! Lance, Lance and Joey!
[squealing]
[rattling]
Come on!
Dah!
♪
♪
[squeals] I can't believe
we're gonna party with NSYNC!
But do you think
we're all going to do the
It's Gonna Be Me choreography
together later?
Should I go practice?
I think, I Yeah, I'm gonna go practice.
Oh, my God, wait. There they are.
[Valentina gasps]
VALENTINA: Oh!
They are not NSYNC.
They're just dudes.
SOPHIE: What?
No, no, no, no, wait.
We We saw them!
Lance called us "y'all."
They made up a song about us!
We were so blinded by
the thrill of being off our phones
that we let two random dudes
sing to us at the bank.
BOTH: Ew!
Ugh, this would've never happened
if I had been able to Google Image
"Joey Fatone 2023."
I cannot believe you got
me excited for nothing!
Like, I am never, ever gonna get over
Oh, my God.
Are those original
stainless steel meat extruders?
Listen, I really thought
that getting off our phones
was gonna lead to some magical
reconnection with the real world.
Um
Soph, I don't trust my eyes
without my phone anymore but, uh
I think that's Ian.
♪
[quiet restaurant chatter]
[plates clink]
Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey, Parker!
Where are you going?
- [panting]
- I'm leaving, Jesse.
You left me here for half an hour
with enough food for six people.
Everyone here thought I was
stood up by my whole family,
which is a thing
that's happened to me before.
So thank you so much for making me
relive my 14th birthday.
Wait, hold on, Parker, wait, wait, wait.
Look, look, look, look, look.
I'm sorry, okay?
I just, after we ordered,
I realized I forgot my credit card.
Oh. Why didn't you just tell me that?
Because I already ordered all this food.
Why did you do that?
Because I really like you, okay?
And I felt like my conversation
skills were sucking,
and I was trying to distract you
by being fun and generous,
like a like a medieval king.
Jesse, medieval kings are notoriously
terrible people. I mean, historically
Please don't say anything interesting
about medieval kings, okay?
'Cause I'm not gonna have
anything interesting to say back,
and I'm just gonna end up
ordering more food.
Okay. Don't worry.
- I got this.
- You got this?
What What are you
Well, it doesn't work
if the hair is the same color as mine.
Uh, excuse me, sir!
Yeah, this is so disgusting.
I think I'm gonna be sick. [gags]
Wait till I tell my followers about this.
One of whom is Taye Diggs.
I am so sorry.
Let me go speak with the manager.
Your meal will be completely comped
I'm sure.
So, you're, like
a little insane, huh?
Oh, yeah. I'm totally nuts.
I sat here for 30 minutes
while you ran around the city.
♪
How are you?
How are things?
I'm good. Really good.
Now that I'm working at Columbia,
I feel like I finally have
my feet on solid ground.
Probably because I'm not
working on a boat anymore,
but mostly because
I think I'm back in the city for good.
Oh.
Hey.
Sophie,
- this is my girlfriend, Kiana.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
Kiana, hey. [nervous laugh]
Such a pretty name.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
And the name Ian is in Kiana. [laughs]
- IAN: Yeah.
- So, Ian is in Kiana!
[bro voice] Or he will be later!
[normal] [inhales] I think I'm gonna go.
♪
ELLEN: Excuse me. Excuse me.
[indistinct chatter]
[fire truck siren wailing]
What's going on?
The landlord was stealing gas
from next door,
and some idiot busted the line.
I bet the idiot was probably on
a really valid emotional journey.
Either way, they caused
a very dangerous gas leak.
I did?! I mean, they did?
My roommate is up there!
Nah, we evacuated the building.
Knocked on the door,
sent out emergency texts. [laughs]
He'd have to be doing some hardcore
sensory deprivation to miss all that.
[laughs] Is that smoke?
And I ♪
Will always love you ♪
I will always ♪
Love you ♪
I will always ♪
Love you ♪
I will always ♪
Love you ♪
I will always ♪
[panting] I always thought
that thing about how a mom's adrenaline
can lift a car off a baby was a myth,
but look at me.
I'm a supermom!
And I'm the helpless
little cutie that inspired you!
[panting] You know what?
If Rachel doesn't wanna be
with someone who loves so hard
that she'd risk dying
in a gas leak of her own design
to save a friend, that's on her!
Hell yeah, it is!
I'm sorry I called
your hands small and cold.
They're strong.
- And cold.
- Yeah.
Soft music ♪
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
I'm happy for him.
Sophie, this is Ian.
Getting blindsided by him with
some new girl has to hurt a little bit.
Actually, I wasn't blindsided at all.
I knew all about Kiana,
the public defender who has
a three-legged cat, does hot yoga
- Oh?
- From Ian's Insta.
- Oh
- Yeah.
Pretty much everyone that I've dated
is in a relationship.
Oscar.
Robert.
There was a cute girl
in Drew's Insta story.
Turns out, she's just a handsy cousin.
[laughing] Stop, stop, stop.
Stop. Stop, stop, stop.
Our moms are sisters!
Probably pretty soon,
I'm gonna see a picture
of Jesse with this Parker girl
in, like, a photo booth
with a caption like,
[giggles] "I think I'll keep him." Ugh
So the real reason
you wanted this no-phones day
Yes, I needed a break.
Just one day off
from feeling like everyone
is just moving forward,
and I'm stuck.
Standing still.
It's funny. You needed
an escape from your phone,
and I use mine to escape.
When I scroll, my brain turns off,
and I stop wondering
when I'll meet anyone I like
as much as I like Charlie.
Why haven't we told
each other this stuff sooner?
[Val groans] Oh, my God!
My No Phone Day did help us
reconnect with the world
'cause I reconnected with you.
You are my world
Sophie, please don't say things
to my face you wouldn't text me.
You're my best friend, and I love you.
God!
ALL:
Five, four, three, two, one! Midnight!
Happy everyone gets their phone back!
- Yes.
- SOPHIE: Honestly,
you know what?
I thought it was a really good day.
Right? Like, we should get off
our phones more often.
[half-hearted chatter]
Oh! Parker texted me!
She just got home,
and she's already missing ya boy!
Probably 'cause she's never
heard you say "ya boy" before.
- No No!
- What?
- Look!
- LANCE BASS [on video]: What's up, y'all?
We're partying here at
Schmidt's Meatpacking Warehouse!
[cheering]
Where are the girls we met at the bank?
I bet the blonde can dance.
Ah, seriously. My husband's already
okayed the other one as my hall pass.
[screaming]
The pain still feels fresh.