Life in Pieces (2015) s02e17 Episode Script

1 Are you all ready for Clare's sleepover? Yep, I packed a sound machine with Mommy's voice on it, - Aw.
- My own toilet paper, and this bag is all flares.
Wow.
Well, you're either ready for a sleepover or a night in a women's prison.
(chuckles) Did you pack your toothbrush? I get money when my teeth fall out, so why would I brush them? Fine.
Okay, go.
Come on, don't take too long.
Okay, she is so not ready for a sleepover.
- (sighs) - Listen, I was the same way when I was her age.
I mean, once I was a teenager, you know, I'd sleep - with anybody who asked me.
- We can't let her miss this.
What if something incredible happens at the slumber party and, the next day, everyone's talking about it at school and she missed it? For years, she's just gonna feel like a stupid little boy.
I am not listening to the story about your friend's mom's boobs again.
I was nine years old, Jerry Dervin was having a sleepover, - and I was too scared to go.
- I know.
And so you missed seeing his mom's boobs through the crack in the bathroom door.
You make it sound so unromantic.
My friend Stiffy said they were soapy.
That's the night he got his nickname.
Oh, honey, I know.
I have seen your paintings.
Look, I don't want Sophia to be filled with childhood regrets.
We've already given her so many.
Okay, you know what, fine.
You take her to the sleepover, but this is just like sex if you make a mess, you're cleaning it up.
(gasps) (doorbell rings) Hey, Soph, I know you're a little nervous, but I got two words for you: you're ready.
Thanks, Daddy.
And I've got two words for you: emergency diarrhea.
- Hey there! - Hey.
Oh She's fine.
She's just running off to use your restroom.
Don't worry, she brought her own toilet paper.
(chuckles) We'll take good care of her.
Oh, I'm sure she's gonna have a blast.
And look at you! Sure glad there's a grandma here.
I hate the sound of children's voices.
I'm just here because I'm "not good to live on my own.
" They really are the greatest generation, aren't they? - (whirring) - Oh.
Hey, sexy.
I see you've put your own mask on first.
You gonna assist me now? - (phone rings) - (sighs) Hello? Hi, Deb.
Well, I-I didn't know that she could shimmy out a window, but I'm glad she couldn't start your minivan.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, o-okay.
I'll go over there and talk her through this.
I have a nice calm demeanor, and I'm easy - (shouts) Oh, you son of a bitch! - Oh, oh, babe, babe, babe This mm.
Good luck.
SOPHIA: I'm sorry, Daddy.
It just gets to be night, and that's a very complicated time for me.
Honey, listen.
You know, it's easy to quit, but sometimes, when you quit, you miss out on something special.
Or two things very special.
And soapy.
So don't miss this or you will regret it.
So you're not taking her home? No, she's gonna be fine.
Right, honey? Sure, if that's the standard of mental health we're going for.
See? She's fine.
Yeah.
Sounds like it.
Yeah.
Hey, Soph.
What if I stay here with you just until you fall asleep? You'd do that? (loud, erratic snoring) He sounds like the bear from The Revenant.
- (snoring stops) - My mom lets me watch R-rated movies.
- SOPHIA: I think he's done.
- Yeah, done breathing.
He's dead.
I can tell.
My mom lets me watch the news.
Dad? Dad? (gasps loudly) (all screaming) Maybe you should just take me home.
I need to check on my stuffed animals.
I hear there are clowns in the neighborhood.
(shushing) I'll be your stuffed animal.
I'm soft and I'm fuzzy and I'll guard the door for you 'cause I love you and you're my favorite little Sophia? Well, that's a little rude.
(Clare clears throat) I'm still listening.
I don't have a dad.
Yeah, life's rough.
Happy birthday.
Oh! Geez.
Mom, keep your robe on! Must've slipped off.
(sighs) I'm sorry.
(Rusted Root's "Send Me on My Way" playing) On my way, on my way I would like to reach out my hand Are you lost? Not anymore.
On my way, on my way You know what they say about the young You know what they say about the young.
No, I'm gonna have it.
- No.
Ah, mm.
I got it.
- (giggles) Morning.
Oh.
Good morning, Moany Groany.
Oh, no.
Was I making noise in my sleep last night? Sounded like you were having a pretty sexy dream about us.
Tell me, was it Bearded Greg or Not Bearded Greg? Um, no, actually, it you know, it wasn't about you.
I'm so sorry.
But don't worry, you're still in my recurring dream about us swapping haircuts.
Was it the UPS guy? 'Cause those are calf implants.
Do you think maybe we could just, like, stop talking about it? 'Cause it kind of makes me uncomfortable.
- Sure, no problem.
- Okay.
Besides, we're late for brunch anyways.
- Mom is making Scrambled Greggs.
- Hey, I have a fun idea.
What if we skipped brunch and then went somewhere where, like, your family maybe isn't? (gasps) You had a sex dream - about someone in my family? - N Tell me it wasn't Matt, Jen, and I swear we will never talk about this ever again, case closed, end of story.
It wasn't Matt.
(laughs) It was Matt.
I know it.
Maybe it was me.
They taught us about this in medical school.
Women just love doctors.
So if you're asking me to be less sexy, sorry, I just don't know how.
That son of a bitch.
I mean, if he thinks he's gonna take something of mine, watch, I'm gonna take something of his.
Yes.
I've been waiting for an affair in this family for a long time.
Wait, what? No.
No, I am going to make Colleen have a dream about me.
You just watch.
I'm gonna get in her head.
Speaking of dreams coming true, remind me to tell you about the sexy thing that just happened to me at a little girl's sleepover.
(laughing) So, he calls me, my trainer, and he tells me that I got to take a day off.
And I said, "Dude, do you even know who you're talking to?" - (laughs) - (chuckles) Are you are you talking to me? Yeah, I'm talking to you.
- Oh.
- Out of all the people - in this brunch, and I am talking to you.
- Oh.
(groans) See anything you like? Your shoe's in the lox.
I knew that.
Look, Greg, I-I know what you're doing.
Oh, yeah? What's that? Jen's dream wasn't about Matt.
- (sighs): It wasn't? - Mm-mm.
So she told you about it? Just relax.
Sex dreams don't mean anything.
It's, like, whatever sticks out in your head.
And what sticks out more than red hair? GREG: Tyler? Hey.
'Sup, Taylor? - Me? - Yeah.
Is Taylor a nickname for Tyler? 'Cause I honestly like that better.
You know my name's Tyler, right? Whatever.
Doesn't matter.
Hey, remember that time you pooped your pants? Yeah, I was, like, four years old.
Why would you bring that up? No reason.
I just think it's important that people remember that you pooped your pants.
Didn't you poop your pants in college? No.
I pooped my shorts.
Dear, I'm sure many people have had sex dreams about you.
I think you're very sexy.
You have to say that.
You're my mom.
Hey, Greg.
Listen.
Tyler told me you're being mean to him.
Mom! No, that's because Jen had a sex dream about Tyler.
(gasps) Mom! - For real? - See? I told you other people find you attractive.
You have to say that.
You're my wife.
Hey, Jen.
Who'd you dream about, me or this human stick figure? I'm your son.
JEN: Uh believe it or not, neither of you.
But thank you, Greg.
You know how much I love this.
Oh, come on, Jen, just tell us all who your dream was about.
Yeah, honey, because Tyler is the only one with red hair, (laughs): unless you had a dream about my mom, which Ah.
Oh, God.
Okay.
It was about Cheeto.
- The puppet? - I got to get this hinge fixed, hmm? Happy? No.
Wh-Why didn't you just tell me? Well, because it was - incredibly sensual.
- Oh.
- Not sure where to go with it, you know.
- No, no, no, no.
(sighs) - It was me, wasn't it? - Yep.
Be careful, be careful.
I'll dial "nine-one" now, and if you need me to, yell, and I'll dial the last "one.
" John.
Where were you? The neighborhood watch meeting was today.
I texted you that I couldn't come.
I didn't get any text from you.
Huh? Oh.
I accidentally texted Greg.
(chuckles) I thought it was weird that you weren't going because you were playing laser tag with your friend Warren.
You know I haven't played laser tag since I was banned.
Well, I can't keep track of all the things you've been banned from.
How was the meeting? I was banned.
- Hmm.
- But before that, I learned that there's been an increase - in neighborhood break-ins.
- Mm-hmm.
And so on the way home, I stopped and I got this.
This is a motion sensor light.
It blinds the intruder and disorients them.
And then you get a very thin wire.
You put it around their neck, and when they go limp, you whisper, "Lights out.
" I thought it just turns on when it senses motion.
Maybe.
I didn't read the box.
(snoring softly) (gasps, screams) - Hmm? - John.
John, it's on.
Okay.
Can we just cuddle for a second? I'm not a machine, you know.
No, John.
- The light's on.
Someone's out there.
- Oh.
Oh.
All right, I'll go take a look.
If I don't come back alive, you can have what's left of my hoagie in the fridge.
- Be careful.
- Mm.
Ah, you damn son of a bitch! (groans) Ah it'll turn up.
I didn't see anything.
- It's clowns.
- What? I just read an article on the Internet about clowns terrorizing people.
The light was on, I could see everything.
There were no clowns.
They probably made the light go off, and then hid in the bushes that's what clowns do, they play tricks.
You know I have a problem with clowns, John! I promise you there were no clowns.
Now I'm going back to sleep.
- Mm-hmm.
- (screams) Oh, all right, I'm going.
(gunshot) There it is.
Nothing.
I heard a gunshot.
I didn't see anything.
But clowns can hide anywhere.
Have you seen how many can fit into a car? - (doorbell rings, knocking) - Oh! They're here! - (groans) - They're here.
Don't sniff their fake flowers.
- (knocking on door) - Hey, Darryl.
That floodlight you got on is flooding us out of our own bedroom.
We're trying to get busy, and you lit us up.
We're already lit.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Darryl; my wife made me install this motion detector because there's been some crimes - You know what a crime is? - Mm.
A crime is you interrupting my sex life.
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, okay? Yeah, well, I'll unscrew the bulb.
We like to get busy in the dark, so I can pretend I have both my feet again.
You understand? I said I'll unscrew the bulb.
Please unscrew the bulb.
It's hard to get back into character when you're role-playing, okay? - Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- Okay? Whew.
I wonder what the light is missing now that it's off.
It's things that you don't see that get you.
Like brain-sucking amoeba in the tap water.
You don't need any light when you got me, or this Taser.
That's a TV remote.
Yeah, but the bad guys don't know that, especially with the light off.
John, please go outside and make sure everything's okay.
You want me to check when the light goes on, now you want me to check when it doesn't.
And all the other times, too.
What are you doing? Get back, or I'll kick you in the face! You get back! Is that a TV remote? You're holding a fake leg.
Oh, sorry, I thought you were a clown.
Were you stealing my trash? No, I Okay, look.
It's been me setting your light off.
I've been hiding my fast-food wrappers in your garbage can.
Well, that's weird.
Why don't you just hide some vodka bottles or a dead body in there, like normal people? Pam does not like me to eat that kind of food.
She's freaking out that I'm gonna endanger the livelihood of my other leg.
When she said "livelihood" I didn't know what the hell she was talking about like this leg is earning money for us or something.
You know, Joan doesn't like me eating fast food either.
I thought you were Joan.
I'm John.
That's what I said Joan.
- Did you hear that? - (gasps) What? I didn't hear anything.
I did.
I better go check it out.
- Mmm.
- Oh, this is the life.
Is it the life or not? Ooh! Maybe tomorrow night, you could bring a couple of good cigars.
Oh See, I'm not allowed to do that either.
(puffing) I would love that.
I would love a good stogie.
(laughs) - Oh, oh, cheers.
Mmm.
(grunts) - Cheers.
Mmm.
Oh, I got a brain freeze.
(groans) What are you doing up? You can't sleep either? I am not a great sleeper.
I've actually woken up in the middle of four different surgeries.
- Mmm.
Oh, man.
This is so good.
- Oh, God.
Baby, you want in on that? - Yes, I do.
- Oh, come on.
But now that we're not eloping, I'm on this crazy juice diet - for the wedding.
(groans) - (phone chimes) Oh, I have to go to the calligrapher's for the invitations.
- She gets to be fat.
(groans) - Mm.
- Bye.
Mm.
- Good-bye.
Oh, hey! Listen, don't do anything in the common areas you don't want me joining in on.
- I been working out.
- Mm.
I can lift both of you.
(laughs) Morning, Dougie.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who ate my pot roast? It wasn't me.
I have not eaten anything in two weeks.
Neither one of us ate your pot roast, Dougie, just like neither one of us ate your shark jerky.
That sounds like the kind of brave a man gets when he has a stomach full of red meat.
(huffs) I'm gonna turn around, I'm gonna count to ten.
I want whoever ate that pot roast to put it back, no questions asked.
Put it back? - I don't know.
- One - (commentator speaking over TV) - Okay, this one Which font do you like best for wedding invitations, Old English or Prison Tattoo? They're the same.
Well, then it shouldn't be hard for you to make a decision.
(doorbell rings) All this wedding planning is so hard for me to do on my own.
(gasps) Are you Colleen Ortega? Sure.
Uh, Colleen, did you order something from ChocolateFountains.
com? Mm no.
(gasps) What do you think it is? Dougie, open up.
I know you're in there.
The door's warm.
Ah.
Did you go on my account and order a chocolate fountain? Why would I need another one when this one serves all of my chocolate needs? (sucks teeth) COLLEEN: Oh, wow, Celeste, that really clears it all up.
Thank you.
So you really bought it, huh? Yeah.
And apparently I spent three hours on the phone last night with customer service discussing wedding fountains and you and our first sexual experience.
What? Don't worry, she said that you sound like a very generous lover.
- And you don't remember any of this? - No.
See, maybe you did eat the pot roast.
Okay, the last thing I remember is taking a sleeping pill.
- Oh, yeah.
That's a thing.
- Mm-hmm.
Sleeping pill haze.
(gasps) Maybe that's it.
My friend Brad, he was taking them.
He had no idea that he bought a purple Miata online in the middle of the night.
And then the next night you know that movie We Bought a Zoo he bought it on Blu-ray.
- Oh, G That's it.
Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
These sleeping pills are costing me too much money.
I can't afford to sleep.
- Psst, Matt, I can't sleep.
- Hmm? I keep thinking about the wedding.
No, baby, you look great.
(sighs) Oh.
You don't have to bury your condoms at the bottom of the trash.
I know you guys do it.
I'm looking for my sleeping pills.
I need them.
Mm, I know what that's like, craving something you can't have, like a bra that fits your beans just right.
(sighs) What are you still doing up? You can't sleep either? Nah, I have to be up early for the Korean Snapchats.
- Ah! There they are.
Whew.
- (grunts) Well, if you're gonna be up anyway, would you mind keeping an eye on me so I don't do anything crazy in my sleep? I've been doing that anyway.
But it feels nice to be asked.
COLLEEN: Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no! (gasps) Dougie, I thought you were gonna watch me last night.
Matt is going to kill me! No, this? This was my post-church breakfast.
You slept like a little baby all night in my arms.
- Oh, thank - I actually fed you so you'd keep sleeping.
- Aw.
- Well, by "fed you," I mean my gum fell in your mouth.
- MATT: (clears throat) Colleen? - (gags) It wasn't me.
This was all Dougie.
Ah.
Did Dougie also invite all of your contacts to follow your Period Tracker app? What? Dougie, I thought you said that I slept like a baby! I meant a baby who e-mails about her period.
All right, fine, I took more sleeping pills.
'Cause the stress of the wedding is keeping me up at night, and I don't know what to do.
Oh, no.
Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey.
It has been so unfair for me to burden you with planning this whole wedding by yourself.
It's our wedding, right? I want to help! Just tell me what I can do.
- Okay.
- Okay? (grunts, sniffles) - There you go.
- Whoa! (chuckling) Look at that.
All that for one little wedding.
No, that's just the flowers.
"A" through "F" Hmm? These are "G" through "K" (crunching) Get busy.
(sighs) Um, Colleen? I can't sleep.
Planning a wedding is both the most boring and stressful thing I've ever done.
It's like jury duty that I'm paying for.
Colleen? Uh (gate creaks) Damn it, Matt.
I knew it was only a matter of time before I saw you like this.
(groans)