Randy Cunningham: 9th Grade Ninja (2012) s02e17 Episode Script

1 Go ninja! [title music.]
I was chosen to protect my school from the forces of evil.
I am the ninja.
I am Randy Cunningham.
Smoke bomb! [rock music.]
A long time ago OK, so not that long ago Actually more like eight years ago [plays notes on kazoo.]
One-sided seesaw one-sided seesaw All alone on a one-sided see - Whoa! - Randy Cunningham, say "How's it goin'" to Howard Weinerman.
Howard just moved to Norrisville, and I thought you'd make a super Welcome Buddy! Also "One-Sided Seesaw" was bummin' everybody out.
So? What do you think about Norrisville so far? - Super Bruce, the cheese or the Super Bruce cheese? - Mehhh.
It's a town.
Huh!? Flackville is a town.
East Speezleton is a town, barely.
- Norrisville is an incorporated village.
- Doesn't seem that special to me.
Uh, then you obviously haven't - been to Greg's Game Hole.
- Played there.
- Charlie Clucker's Chicken Bucket? - Ate there.
- Whoopee World? - Horked there.
I'm not saying Norrisville doesn't have what other towns have.
I'm saying it only has what other towns have.
[grunts.]
Uh-huh, OK, but do other towns have a Ninja? Duh-duh-duuuh! [laughs hysterically.]
Oh.
Look I hate to be the guy who breaks things to other guys who believe things, but there's no such thing as a Ninja.
- Yuh-huh there is! - So you've seen a Ninja? Well, no, but I've heard stories.
Just 'cause I haven't seen something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
That's exactly what it means.
I only believe in things I can see.
This juice box, I believe in, this hamburger, I don't, although I wish I did, because now all I can think about is hamburger.
There is too a Ninja! He protects that high school right over there! Ha! High school Ninja? Oh, and I thought East Speezletonians were gullible.
You take that back! Eek! Eek! I'm a bat! [laughs.]
- Julian! You are not a bat! - [sobs.]
But I am a bat! This apron means I swore an oath to protect every one of your adorable little souls.
And if something were to happen to even one of ya, I'd be ruined, emotionally and business-wise! and he's got a scarf and a sword and he saves the day! [groans.]
I'm so sick of this Ninja business.
Ha ha! You admit there's a Ninja, 'cause otherwise how could there be Ninja business? Fine! Let's go the high school and see this Ninja that doesn't exist.
Wait, wait.
You wanna, you wanna sneak outta daycare? - If it'll shut you up, yeah.
- All right.
OK, let's do it.
Let's sneak out of daycare.
We are sneakin' outta of daycare! [gasps.]
New job, new car.
So begins the era of Principal Slimovitz! Who's up for a funtastic day? [yawns.]
All right, it's just me then.
You actually believe in an 800-year-old protector of Norrisville who appears in a cloud of magical smoke? Do you have any idea how stupid you sound? Do you have any idea how stupid you sound?! [both mumble mockingly.]
[both continue mumbling mockingly.]
Ma, look! I draw'd a red car! Oh.
You sure didn't, but I'm proud of ya anyway, Bashykins! [wind blows.]
Ah! Oh dear.
Has anyone seen Randy Cunningham and that Weiner boy? - I saw them sneak off to the high school.
- You did?! Oh Gooseberries, Doug, if you see something, say something! Oh, you want me to say something?! I'm gonna say something all right.
- I'm never gonna stop saying something.
- Guess who, lasagna pants? Brought you flowers.
It's our one-month anniversary.
- Who remembered? I did! - I did.
Hannibal, this is perfect.
I need you to stay here and watch the children.
Uh, watch 'em do what? Two boys are missing.
I have to find them before it's too late! - Hmm.
- My finger's stuck in my nose! I'm missing an arm.
We all got problems, kid.
There, huh? Huh?! Why do you keep saying "huh"? Because that banner proves there's a Ninja! - Huh?! - That banner proves there's banners.
Then what are these? Back home we call 'em circles.
But I dunno, maybe in Norrisville you call 'em snerfbergles? What's this guy talkin' about, snerfbergles? - Don't ask me, it's your word! - It's a Ninja ring.
Ahh! Oopsie! Run! [screams.]
If there are two six-year-olds running around my school, I can assure you they are perfectly safe.
[chuckles.]
- Unless they run into a monster.
- Monster?! Don't worry.
In all of my time as principal, - we have not had a single monster.
- It's your first day! - Hey, a streak's still a streak.
- Oh! Oh! [screams.]
Oh, boys?! Boys?! [gasps.]
Randy?! New boy?! [screams.]
Fear, panic, guilt, from a grownup? Now that's what I call entertainment.
[cackles.]
[sobbing.]
[grunting.]
[growling.]
Don't cha know! Let's get outta here before we get busted for that paint that you spilled.
I spilled?! You're the one who made me so mad! Can we talk about this back at the seesaw?! Yes, yes we can! All you have to do is admit there's a Ninja.
I would if I could, but I can't, so I won't.
[groans.]
If I had another hat, I'd so throw it right now! [Slimovitz over speaker.]
Attention teachers and students: New Principal Slimovitz here.
I've just received reports of a Code M.
I'm sure there's no need to panic.
Let's just see.
OK, what's Code M? Code M [screams.]
Monster! Oh, no! We're doomed! [gasping.]
What do we do?! What do we do?! "Remain calm.
" Oh! Too late for that! [all scream.]
[gasp.]
[growling.]
Huh? Now do you believe me? I believe we have to get out of here! - [screams.]
What are you doing? - Where there's monster, there's Ninja! And where there's Ninja, there's I told you so.
[cell phone rings.]
This is Marci Johnson, go ahead and leave a message why don'tcha? [cell phone beeps.]
Oh, hey there, dumpling truck.
Just wondering when you were coming back.
No reason, just miss you is all.
Definitely not because things have gone sideways, [chuckles.]
'cause they haven't.
[groans.]
Haven't you little bed bugs ever heard of personal space?! [groans.]
Hey, McFist, I made a number four! Eh, what's a number four? [whispering.]
Oh no.
No.
No.
No.
No.
[plays notes on kazoo.]
[growling.]
[all scream.]
OK, no Ninja, let's go.
- No! He'll be here! - Huh? He won't be here because he doesn't exist! - He does exist! - Boys! [growling.]
- Cunningham - Ninja's coming.
Any second.
- Cunningham - He's coming, I hope.
- Cunningham! - [Ninja.]
Poof power activate.
All right, you big ol' What are you, some kind of babysitter monster? - Huuuh? - Now is not the time for "huh"! [growls.]
[grunts.]
- Hya-cha! - [both.]
Whoa! What're a couple of little kids doing in a high school? For the record, I wanted to leave.
[growls.]
- Looks like it's nacho day.
- What? Is that supposed to be a joke? Sorry, guess it was a little cheesy.
[laughs.]
Nacho and then cheesy! He doubled it up! He doubled it up! [growls.]
[punching and scratching.]
Yes, Ninja! I always believed in you! Well, why wouldn't you? It's not like I don't exist.
Well, you're right, I was wrong, Ninja's real, let's get outta here.
We can't leave! He's gettin' the scarf kicked outta him because of us! Cunningham, we're six years old.
There's nothing we can do.
We'd only be in the way.
- Boy! - See? Howard! Randy-Cunningham- Skim-Milk-Throw! [grunts.]
[growls.]
- Oh, boy.
- Nice work, kid.
I'll take it from here.
It's slicey-dicey time! [grunts.]
My Ninja sword! [groans.]
Mm.
Mm-hm.
- Don't be a sword loser! - [chuckles.]
Clever jape! Boooo! [growls.]
[anguished growling.]
Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I'm sorry.
[giggles.]
[groans.]
Soon, Ninja, I shall destroy you! [squeaks.]
Some great work, kid.
One thing: How did you know to destroy her apron? Apron? I was trying to chop her head off.
Let's hope that you're never the Ninja.
I mean, not that you ever could be, 'cause there's only been one, for 800 years.
You know what, I'm just gonna poof power activate! See ya! Oh, boys, oh, thank goodness you're OK.
Now get your sneaky butts back to Miss Marci's daycare! My school! [gasps.]
My car! [screams.]
Who am I kidding? There's no era of Principal Slimovitz! [sobs.]
[Native American chanting.]
Hey, disco ball! This isn't what it looks like! It's, uh It's a mutiny or some kind'a coup.
Sir, that's exactly what it looks like.
Sneakin' outta daycare.
Sneakin' into high school.
Oh, you boys are in big trouble! I want your butts - on this bench for five whole minutes! - Five minutes?! Sorry, I got carried away with that whole Ninja thing and now we're paying for it.
No, I meant we did all that and we're only getting five minutes? Norris-ville is the Super Bruce cheese! I told you! Tomorrow we'll hit PJ McFlubbusters! They got a vegan birthday sundae cake that'll blow your mind! Oh, but it's not even my birthday! Is it your birthday? It can be.
Huh-huh, huh! [both laugh.]
Wait, why were you saying "huh"? I don't get it.
And that's the first time we met.
You were never the new kid! You went to your grandparents' for like a weekend and came back claiming you were "new.
" Oh, yeah.
Thought it would give me an air of mystery.
- Wait so when did we meet? - Don't you remember? We were three Even longer ago Something like 11 years ago Worst play date ever.
[farts.]
[both laugh.]
Farts! [laughing.]
Farting! [video game sounds.]
[video game voice.]
Dead elephant makes for many chicken parms! Your willage is fed! A guy who grinds roadkill into chicken parm sandwiches? Where does Greg get these games? And what's a willage? Uh, I assume it's where the willagers live.
Now c'mon, let's hit the Food Hole.
Wish I could, bro-migo, but I am tapped.
Well allow me to un-tap you.
Ha-ha! My treat.
[laughs.]
Oh, "my treat!" - You think you have money! - What's so funny? - You said! "My treat!" You don't even know! - Cunningham, I have money.
But you never have money.
[clears throat.]
Oh! You have money.
[gobbling loudly.]
Here ya go, little somethin' for Mrs.
Gamehole, huh? Ha-ha.
His last name is Gamehole, right? The more important question is: Where'd you get all this money?! Uh.
I kinda started a small business in post-combat field restoration.
Oh, post-comberner-fernerner I don't, I don't know what that is.
I take weapons you leave after Ninja battles and sell 'em.
Ninja rings, Ninja balls, Ninjcetera, Ninjsoforth.
- Howard - Don't say anything! I'm like Reed Cycler.
But instead of making chicken parms, I make this: Let me finish.
Howard! You're better than Reed Cycler, you're rich.
- This is Bruce City, USA! Hmm? - Well, it was Bruce City.
[scoffs.]
I can handle the Nomicon.
B-right-B.
Don't spend any o' that sweet sweet Howard Money without me.
[grunts.]
[screams.]
Huh? "In battle, a warrior's weapons can be used against him.
" Well, I will remember that the next time I'm in battle.
Now if you'll excuse me, Howard has a fat wad burning a hole in my pocket.
OK! Nomicon handled! I'm thinkin' we pop down to the Boardwalk.
Really spread that cheddar around.
No can-do.
Cheddar's gone.
- What?! Greg switched from the lunch menu to the dinner menu.
What, was I not supposed to order everything on it? Yes! Gah! I really wanted to go down to the Boardwalk! So get me some more used weapons.
How? The Ninja can't just go around picking fights.
- Then think of something he can do.
- Like what? Throw a bunch of Ninja rings against a wall and call 'em "used"? - Oh, Howard! - Go! Go! Go! [grunts.]
- Hmm.
- So now what? Now we go see my guy.
[laughs.]
[door bell jingles.]
- Gene-o! My man! - Howard! You bring me some more of that primo Ninja salvage? - You know I did! - Whoa! That's some haul you got there.
If I didn't know better I'd say you were best friends with the Ninja.
Hah? Heh? Huh? Yeah, OK, how about you just ring me up and get me outta here, Gene? Not in a chatty mood, huh? "Wall of Ninja.
" Who knew there was a market? Ho ho, oh, there's a market.
Now I believe you said something about a Boardwalk? - I believe I did.
- Hah! Heh! Huh! [crash.]
- Mm-hm.
- Ahoy there, Viceroy.
What brings you to Gene Levine the Junk Machine? Certainly not my boss storming into my office and telling me to get rid of all my old creations and not to come back until I think of something new, mm, not that.
So it wasn't that? So it was that.
I'm just gonna ring you up.
You want cash for this or store credit? Hmm.
I'm going with store credit.
I think I just thought of something.
[cackles maniacally.]
The Boardwalk [sighs.]
home to Norrisville's finest selection of sundries, trinkets, baubles, swag, tschotkes, gee-gaws, bric-a-brac, widgets, whatchmacallits and novelty T-shirts.
- What'chu want first? - I want it all! I want it all [Music.]
- # Big hat # - # I just grab it # - # Crazy hair # - # gotta have it # - # Party beads # - # Brucest bling # - # Big 'fros # - # Hottest thing # Big shopping I want it all [farts.]
- # Funny tees # - # Howard please! # Don't tell me I can't have it I want it all Big shopping [noisy piano playing.]
- Man, I am loving Howard money.
- What?! - I said, I am loving Howard money! - You want a shower monkey? Is that a thing we can even spend money on? No, but that is.
Allow me, my good man.
Oh, I forgot! We spent our last few bucks on those - wallet moths! Worth it.
- Allow me, my good man.
[both grunting.]
[cell phone rings.]
What do you mean you're not buying Ninja rings any more, Gene? 'Fraid the market's glutted dere, Howard.
Even da guy what bought out my Wall of Ninja don't want any no more.
How the juice am I supposed to make my own music video if you don't give me make-my-own-music-video money?! Take her easy, dere.
I'm sure my buyer would pay top dollar for something a little more one-of-a-kind.
One-of-a-kind, huh? Gene, hang on.
Ninja rings ain't gonna cut it.
What else ya got? No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
- Yes! - You're gonna sell that? Why not? It's just taking up space.
I don't even know what it is.
Oh, Gene, I think I got something.
Viceroy! How we doin' on: Operation "Think of Something New" to destroy the Ninja! Uh, I mean, you'll never get out of here alive! Your stony silence doesn't scare me! You're freaking me out! Say something! [gasps.]
Take Viceroy! It was all his idea! Sir, you told me to come up with something new to destroy the Ninja.
Don't say that in front of the Ninja.
- He'll think it was all my idea.
- Hannibal, meet Ninja-Bot.
An exact replica of the Ninja loaded with a complete Ninja arsenal.
Hmm? I'll send him out to wreak some havoc and when the Ninja shows up, he'll find himself fighting his own weapons.
Way to go, Viceroy.
You just told the Ninja your whole plan! Sir, that's not the Why do I bother? First, I drop the mic like it's hot - Ooh! And then I pick it up like it's cool.
- [bot.]
Smokebomb! - Did somebody just smokebomb? - Yeah.
You did.
That's not me.
I'm right here.
I would never do that.
No one's gonna believe that's me.
Ooh, child, the Ninja just stabbed the Meow-ly Cyrus! - They do believe it's me! - Meow-ly Cyrus?! - How could you?! - It's not me! Smokebomb! I don't know where you came from, but this Boardwalk ain't big enough for the both of us.
Wow.
Those are really authentic looking Ninja sais.
Nyah! Yah! Ninja gut-buster ball! Oh, my guts.
Got me with the thing I was gonna get him with.
- I'm OK.
- Then get back out there, 'cause you're making bad Ninja look good! [gasps.]
- Our Ninja's getting his butt kicked.
- No, our Ninja is winning! Yes! Our Ninja's winning.
No, our Ninja's getting his butt kicked.
[groans.]
Ninja-Chain-Sickle! All right, let's see how you deal with Ninja ring! Ninja ring! Ninja ring! Sais? Chain-Sickle? Ninja rings? Man, Viceroy made your weapons exactly like my weapons.
Your weapons are my weapons! "In battle, a warrior's weapons can be used against him.
" He's using my weapons against me! Aw, Nomicon called it! Hey, Ninja! You think he got all that stuff over at Gene's? Yes, Howard.
I think he got that stuff over at Gene's.
Let's just hope he doesn't know how to use it.
Ohhhh, he knows how to use it.
So many blades.
So fast.
I can't keep up.
[groans.]
[crash.]
Ninja! Hey, your stuff has been selling like hotcakes.
Wish I could say the same for my hotcakes.
[flies buzzing.]
[groans.]
I don't suppose you could tell me who bought all my gear.
'Fraid not.
You know how it is, Junk man-client privilege and all.
But I can tell you he traded me all that stuff over dere for it.
McFist! If he's using my weapons against me, then [rumbling.]
Yes! Eat Thunderpunch, fake Ninja! Ninja-Thunderpunch-Block! Ninja-Thunderpunch-Block! Ninja-Thunderpunch-Block! Yes! Lucius O'Thunderpunch! - Ninja doesn't stand a chance.
- No! We're rooting for the Ninja! Against O'Thunderpunch? I don't think so! OTP! OTP! [groans.]
Hey, Phil, spread the word: if this works out I'm taking the whole team to McFlubbuster's.
Wow! Karaoke mode? No.
Snow-cone blaster? No.
T-Shirt cannon?! I need something real here.
Comet Stopper? So Bruce! [computer voice.]
Comet Stopper activated.
- Flight Mode disabled.
- Oh, boy.
[groaning.]
Time to use your weapon against you I mean, my weapon against You know what? This.
Yes! We did it! We destroyed the Ninja! OTP! OTP! OTP! OTP! Sir, we didn't actually, uh What're you waiting for? It's McFlubbuster time! OTP! OTP! Hmm.
Let's get you back where you belong.
Look at this stuff! Oh, man! We're gonna make a fortune selling it back to Gene! Let's do it! Uh, I mean, let's not.
Obviously, that was a terrible idea.
Sheesh.
Selling Ninja weapons.
Never doin' that again, no sir.
[Randy.]
Huh.
Howard Money was fun while it lasted.
Howard Money ain't gone yet! Aw, yeah! - [Randy.]
Randy and Howard! - [Howard.]
Big Shoppin'! [man.]
On the boardwalk! My boy Big H He got all the bills [Music.]
Dropping 1's, 5's, and 10's How we gets our thrills - # Big hats # - # Funny tees # - # Crazy hair # - # Randy, please! # - # Party beads # - # Big 'fros # - # Piano shoes # - # We want mo'! # Big Shoppin'! I want it all Don't tell me I can't have it I want it all - # Brucest bling? # - # Gotta have it! # - # Hottest thing? # - # I just grabbed it! # - # Newest mall? # - # Gotta visit! # - # Bought it all? # - # We just did it! # Big Shoppin'! I want it all Don't tell me I can't have it - # I want it all! # - Show' 'em the receipt Big H! Helicopters, pussy cats Howard's wallet's where it's at Season three H and Me - # Gonna hafta wait and see # - # [vocalizing.]
I want it all #