Samantha Who? s02e17 Episode Script

what happens when you achieve your dream running a multi-million dollar charity foundation, but you have no idea what to do? You're like a dog who chases cars and finally catches one.
now what? I guess you chew on the tire for a while until you figure it out.
Tyler banks,your temp,but I can see this becoming permanent.
Oh,well,it's nice to meet you,tyler.
And I-I didn't know what you liked,so I got you all of them.
Oh,okay,thank you.
My,um,office? Is this okay? I see a bookshelf right there.
It's okay.
I do the same thing every time I take over a company.
Sorry,sam,this guy just walked right by me.
He does not have an appointment.
Winston funk.
Name on the building.
Tyler banks-- name on the yogurt in the fridge.
tyler.
So welcome to your company.
Sten,we have a lot to talk about.
How about scheduling something for,ooh,next week? Okay,um,how about lunch on monday? No,I meant all next week.
Jackson hole has 3 feet of powder.
Oh,you know,as tempting as that sounds, I do have $30 million of your money burning a hole in my pocket, and it ain't gonna spend itself.
Well,as long as you're giving all ofy money away, we might as well give some of it to the ritz-carlton.
Oh,you go.
I need to find needy people.
I have needs.
You can pay people to take care of those.
Thought I had.
Now it's $40 million.
Keep talking.
Okay,sam,I get it.
You won.
You got the job.
Now I need to get down to business and find our first charity.
Fantastic.
I mean,you're so eager.
Why don't we call a press conference for next friday? I n't even need that much time.
How about this friday? How about thursday? How about wednesday? Because today is wednesday.
How about thursday? I'm sorry.
They just showed up.
it might be the free money.
I believe we said next friday,right? Proudly Presents Season 2 Episode 17 come on,andrea.
Let me be in your wedding.
I mean,all the celebrities are gonna be there, and--and I've never got to be a bridesmaid before.
I mean,the closesthing that I ever got was I was my mother's pallbearer.
Well,I would give it some thought, but I have so many errands to run,and I just don't have time to think about it.
I'll do it.
I get it.
I get it.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
Hey,I'm sorry.
Oh,where have you been? You were supposed to be here an hour ago.
I know,I kn I had a 5:00 with a land mine victim that ran over.
I told him I had to run.
I felt bad about that.
Then I apologized for blowing him off.
Yeah,that went well.
You want to hear a really sad story? They discontinued the bridesmaid dresses that I wanted.
Here's what we're left with.
I couldn't possibly look at this-- oh,god.
These are bad.
I kn Well,it's the whole point-- to make you look like a clown,so I can shine.
Just not the corduroy.
Well,you will make a lovely southern belle.
It's endless,I'm telling you.
If I say yes to one charity,I'm just saying no to thousands of other ones.
It--it's like I'm responsible for the entire world.
I do not want to decide who lives or who dies.
You know,I'm not santa claus.
Oh,uh,remember,we talked about that? It's this new you.
You're too soft to say no.
Yeah.
What I need is the old me to come help the new me with this job.
Yeah,and the closest thing you have to the old you is me.
Oh,my god,you're right.
I hate disappointing the less fortunate,and you seem to get a thrill out of it.
Are you offering me a job? Yes.
Oh,come on,please do it.
I'm really afraid.
I can't do this alone.
What does it pay? I don't kn.
I looked at the budget really quickly.
I-I think there's a seven in it.
I won't do it for anything less than a nine.
I can do an eight,but that's it.
-Yeah.
-Yes! Oh,thank you.
Um,about this hummingbird choir,you--you do know that they don't really hum? I want birds,and I want "we've only just begun.
" You want to be a bridesmaid,figure it out.
Okay! Hey,andrea-- I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were in a meeting.
No,no,no.
Come in,come in,come in.
Sam,meet philippe.
We've been going over his ideas all morning, and we really need your opinion on this.
Great.
Fire away.
what do you think? He did J.
Lo's first and third wedding.
I'm sorry,philippe.
I reay need to talk to anea, so if you'll just step out for a minute,that would be great.
Au revoir.
Andrea,honey,we have a press conference on friday.
Oh,my god.
Yeah,I know,that's what I'm saying.
Tony dane and I have a press conference in an hour.
Thank you so much for reminding me.
What? You cannot go.
It is so good to work for a friend.
Chapman was such a slave driver.
I'll be back at 4:30.
Ooh,that's really not enough time to start anything.
Oh,we'll hit it hard tomorrow morning.
andrea! Wha--andrea! Hi,cheryl.
I'm samantha newly.
Oh,okay,this isn't a proposal.
It's Aresume.
Yes.
I saw your press announcement for the foundation, and I was betting that you could use an in-house attorney.
Cheryl,I'm so sorry,but we have already filled that -- oh,wow,you've--you've worked for a lot of foundations,huh? And it looks like you have a lot of grant applicants out there already.
Oh,god.
Yes,I am so overwhelmed.
I just-- ms.
Newly,you really need to narrow your focus.
What is your mission statement? My mission statement.
Um,well it is to boldly go where, no man has gone-- yeah,okay,so I don't really know what a mission statement is.
What your foundation does and doesn't stand for.
Oh,good.
Evil in that order.
You'll find a lot of these guys are just hustlers trying to take advantage of the new kid.
The charity business is about knowing the players,and believe me,I know all of them.
And I can help you sort these out in a couple of days.
Do you have any questions for me? Um,yeah,just a couple.
Are you getting married? Never again.
And when can you start? Hey,wt's going on? What's going on is we need a new fridge.
Well,you don't throw something out every time it breaks.
If we did that,how would we play our 8-tracks? I can fix this puppy.
Not this time.
I made sure of that.
Hey,dad,you're a boss.
Have you ever had to fire a friend? Howard,tell her.
You're not my friend.
You're my wife.
It was when we were first married.
He was tryinto save money-- surprise,surprise.
Well,you're still married,so it must've gone okay,right? I had to have security escort her from the building.
I lost two good men that day.
I have tyler.
I guess this would give him a chance to die for me.
Ah,I found it.
Look.
It looks like that wire's been cut.
Beavers.
I'll just tell andrea it's the economy.
You know,I'm downsizing.
She'll understand that,right? I mean,it's like,if we were friends and I fired you-- you did from our relationship.
I was downsizing.
You see how much better that sounds? do you still have thatook of shakespeare sonnets that I gave you for your birthday, the one that you pretended to like? Oh,I loved it.
Yes,it occupies a place of honor on, over there somewhere.
Great.
Now I'm going to go fire andrea.
Oh,have fun.
Yeah.
Keep her in front of you.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
Just pitching some spec vows to andrea,you kn Still not a bridesmaid,but it's a foot in the door,right? Oh,here it is.
sorrY.
Oh,the ring.
Oh,are you--are you gonna propose to sam? Can you keep a secret? No.
Before the accident,I proposed to her.
But you can't tell her.
you know,um,are you gonna propose to sam again? no,that's over.
I've been wanting to get a place of my own,so if I hock this,I can afford it.
No.
No,no,no,no.
No,you're giving up too soon.
Oh,god.
I mn,haven't you pictured your lives,you know,growing old together? Yeah,I did once.
Well,do it again! Hey,hey,you know,they have computer software that'll, you know,age you,and you can see what you-- you guys would look like, or,hey,just t a mirror.
Just get a mirror and kinda-- kinda pull down like I love you,todd.
I love you,todd deepler! Andrea,you may have noticed a downturn in the economy and -- now you listen to me,lard ass I'm on the phone with chapman.
what?No! No,no,no,no,no.
Don't do that.
No-- you can take your job and stick it somewhere the sun--hello? What-- I needed it for my phone cord collection.
Stupid hobby.
Oh,god.
Um,wait right here.
I'll be right back.
Just this completes my set,so hey,girlfriend,it's 8:00.
Didn't you,uh,get my e-mail about coming at 10:00,huh? Oh,I'm sorry,that's my worst fault.
I'm the last one to leave,and I'm two hours early.
Who's that in my office? Well,aren't you just miss nosey parker? Maybe I have a surprise for you.
Now you're ruining it! Who are you talking to? The ceiling guy.
Where is he? In theceiling? Were you not listening? Do I have to fire you for that? What's going on? Well,maybe I was gonna surprise you,andrea,but now you're ruining it.
Who's that? I'm cheryl hainstock,vice president of legal affairs.
surprise.
It works a lot better when she jumps out of the cake.
I am so sorry.
It's just that cheryl is just so much better than you are.
Uh,that sounded bad.
It's not personal,okay? It's just business.
But you know what? In the business of friendship,you're still hired.
You know what?I get it.
I get it.
Stop it.
-Come here,come here -What? Oh,my god,thank you.
Thank you for making this so easy.
Wow,so well,are you just gonna go back to your old job,missy? oh,yeah,you're gonna say to chapman,"I'm sorry.
My bad," and he's gonna be like,"you're in the doghouse,belladonna.
" and,you kn .
.
yeah.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm sorry? Oh,you see,I signed a contract.
So you can keep her,but I'm staying.
and do what? Just--just act like nothing's changed? Oh,no,one thing has changed.
You're not my maid of honor anymore.
It's not personal.
It's just business,missy.
Right.
No,I get it.
So where's my maid of honor? I love this dress! I mean,I don't really love,you know,this dress.
Who could? But I love that I've been asked to wear it.
well,hi,y'all.
Oh,sam,I don't want any trouble.
What are you doing here? Well,fiddle-dee-dee.
I'm here for my maid of honor fittin',sugar.
dena is my maid of honor now,honey pie.
see,she's wearing the hat.
She's wearing the maid of honor hat.
I am wearing the hat,sam.
yes,well,you asked me to byour maid of honor,and guess what? I'm not going anywhere.
Now let's talk bridal shower.
I was thinking maybe some sloppes,some ribs or maybe a dancing bear.
You don't have to rassle it.
That's okay.
That's dena's job n I have to wrestle a bear? What is the theme of this wedding? Oh,also,my maid of honor speech.
Oh,no,no,no,no.
No one said I had to make a speech.
I was thinking about starting off with a dirty limerick in a wee irish brogue.
I can't--I can't tal in public.
I-I freeze up,and I swallow air.
I cannot believe you're doing this to me.
you started it.
You lured me into a job,and then you fired me.
You took advantage of our friendship.
I blew off a fake job to go and plan my wedding.
Big whoop.
A fake job? You got hired to do a job that you know nothing about because the boss wants to get into your pants.
It's a joke.
Oh,yeah? You want to know what a joke is? Marrying a gay guy and thinking it's an actual wedding.
You know what? It's so funny,people are laughing behind your back.
Oh,like they're laughing at you at chapman & funk? I wouldn't know,because the laughing that they're laughing at you is drowning it out! But possibly! A joke! I can start with a joke and use my little hand puppet,little dena,and,you know,' cause she has the courage to say things I don'T.
Hell everyone.
Has,uh,that one been in yet? She got a 9-1-1 text from an ice sculptor and flew outta here.
Oh,good.
Then we can get some work done.
Almost done already.
I divided the proposs into yeses,maybes and nos.
There's only one pile.
Those are the nos.
Well,why even do the maybes,then? I'm an optimist.
You rejected the red cross? Showboaters.
"we're the red cross.
We save victims of war and disasters.
" Um,cheryl,I,uh,know we haven't quite pinned down the mission statement yet, but the gist of it is we give money away.
And that's what they want-- handouts.
I could u a million dollars.
Maybe I'll apply.
I worked my tailbone off for every penny I ever got.
Nobody ever gave me a free ride.
That's nuts.
Cheryl,have you noticed a downturn in the economy? I'm not going anywhere.
I signed a contract,too.
Dad? What? Oh,it's you.
I'm sorry.
Whole neighborhood's out.
Yeah,I saw that.
So what were the "beavers" trying to get this time? One of those fancy washer/dryers that talk to each other.
All I did was yank a couple of wires, and now mr.
Mcclatchey's respirator is running off his car battery.
The abernathy kid picked the wrong day to bring the incubator chicks home from school.
The high school hockey game let's just say we've had a day.
You want some chardonnay? It's warm,but it does the job.
Dad? Hey,sweetie.
How's the boss? I suck.
I have two lawyers.
I have a thousand applicants.
And I have 2 days to start giving away $30 million.
There's nothing but problems.
Could you--could you hold that for a second? Now that,that's a problem,okay? What you have is a job,a job that you always wanted.
You just shocked me.
Well,so you stumble a little bit out of the gate.
Who cares? do you think I knew what I was doing when I started out? I mean,it's not that I'm bad at it.
It's just the truth is,dad,I don't deserve it.
Andrea's right.
It's just a joke job and the only reason I have it is because some billionaire wantto get into my pant-- tomine club.
It's a very exclusive club.
Here's a secret.
Everyone is a fraud.
Nobody knows what they're doing.
I mean,do you think I have any idea how to fix this electrical panel? But I am not letting your mother win.
That is not an option.
Okay.
I get it.
I just gotta do it.
It gets easier,though,doesn't it,daddy? Boy,wouldn't that be great? You know,for every problem you solve,you create three more.
You know,and then you-- you hire a staff.
And then the staff has kids.
Now they all want to take the afternoons off so that they can take their kids trick-or-treating.
I mean,since when did halloween become a holiday,huh? Daddy.
But,hey,it's gonna be great for you,okay? Okay.
For me,you know,I think I've had a good run.
What? You're quitting? Yeah.
Thanks for the talk,kiddo.
Hey,regina we have to talk about the rest of our lives.
What have you done to your father? Good morning,tyler.
Will you grab all the proposals and bring them into my office? And hold all my calls.
I love your sense of purpose.
And yourbouncy ringlets.
prenatal care would cost so little, and the effect on infant mortality would be enormous.
it shouldn't be that easy to end up in the street.
It should be hard.
god asks us to save his children,not to prove we're virtuous,but to fill our hearts with joy.
What's this? It's my resignation.
I was wrong.
You're not a joke.
You ever wonder why we're friends? No.
Because the truth is,I have no idea what I'm doing.
And you were the only person who would tell me that.
And I think it's because you and I will tell each other the things that other people won'T.
Or should.
I mean,like you and your wedding.
Who else is gonna say to you,"andrea,stop.
What's up with the gay dude? " No one.
But seriously,the guy is,like,super gay.
I kn I kn Okay,fine,look.
When I was 6,I would play dream wedding like every little girl would do.
And my cat would be the ring bearer.
And I'd wear this big dress,and--and I'd have a big pink cake,and there'd be birds.
And then when I got older,then I'd play divorce attorney.
And now the guys that I date-- I don't wanna marry them.
And if I did,I'd run off to vegas or a courthouse or something,but the little 6-year-old still wants that day.
You wanna take that dream away from a little girl? Nope.
You know that the cats would eat the birds,right? So what do you wanna do? I want you and i to learn this job together.
And I want you to get rid of the crazy lady.
Done.
I already have a plan.
Do I want to hear it? I don't kn Can you lie to a grand jury? Go.
With my amnesia,I can't dream about things I don't remember,so I dream about the future.
Some people don't even want to wake from their old dreams.
Some just need to make new ones.
me--for now,I have my hands full just living this one hey,you.
Until the next one comes along.