Sanford and Son (1972) s02e17 Episode Script

Fred, this reception's really bad today.
Yeah.
None of my glasses seem to work.
I can't even see the picture with these.
But I can see you all right, Bubba.
Look like you got a 24-inch mouth.
Glasses won't do no good.
It's the set.
You got to adjust it.
I guess you're right.
I'll adjust it.
This TV is just like my cousin T.
J.
You had to beat him to get him to go to work.
Well, I give up.
I've asked Lamont for a long time to get me cable TV.
Cable TVwould clear that picture up.
- Why won't he get it? - 'Cause he's a cheap son of Hello, Lamont.
We were just talking about you.
And I got a good idea of what you were talking about.
- Cable TV.
I don't want to discuss it.
- But, Lamont No "buts.
" You want cable TV so you can watch old Frankenstein movies.
You ain't foolin' nobody.
I'm tellin' you, your days of leisure are over.
I'm gonna turn over a new leaf, and so are you.
What does that mean? It means we're gonna get some ujima in this house startin' today.
- Some who? - Some ujima.
- You ever hear of ujima? - No, but I know Big Jima.
Yeah, she's a stripper over at that topless place.
Would you two listen to me? Ujima is a Swahili word and it means "collective work and responsibility.
" That means that you're responsible for some of the work around here and you're gonna start living up to your responsibilities as of now.
Well, how do you say cable TV in Swahili? You get cable TV and I'll ujima all over this place.
That's enough about cable TV.
I gotta go to work.
Odabo.
What'd you say? I said odabo.
That's the Yoruba word for good-bye.
Well, what's Yoruba? You don't know nothin', do you? The Yorubas are blacks and there's over ten million of them in the southwestern corner of Nigeria.
Their ghetto is almost as bad as ours.
It's a country, Pop.
Why you speaking all this Yoruba and Swahili? You have enough trouble with English.
Say, is this Swahili anything like pig latin? It does sound a lot like it, don't it, Bubba? Swahili is nothing like pig latin.
Talkin' to you and Bubba is like talkin' to two children.
There's work to be done.
Odabo.
You'll miss my huggin' You'll miss my kissin' You'll miss me, honey When I'm gone away Lamont? Lamont? That you, son? Must be hearing things.
Gettin' old.
There's the truck.
Must be somewhere around here.
Lamont! You upstairs? Before you make any smart remarks, maybe I'd better explain something to you.
You don't have to explain nothin' to me.
But if you're walkin' down the street and some guy's following you you better walk fast.
I knew you was gonna have something smart to say about it.
I mean, what should I say if my son comes home wearing a dress? Next thing, you'll be wearing panty hose.
Like on that commercial Our L 'eggs fit your legs They hug you, they hold you They never let you go This is not a dress.
This is a dashiki.
A dashiki is a traditional African shirt for men.
To me it look like a traditional dress for a woman.
Because you've been conditioned to judge everything by western standards.
I suppose there ain't no use in me trying to enlighten you.
I don't need to be no lighter.
That enlightening stuff went out with Conkaleen hair straightener.
"If your hair is short and nappy Conkaleen will make it happy.
" You don't want to know nothing, so I'm not gonna try to tell you nothing.
Listen.
What'd you say the name of this thing is? A duck-shaker? A dashiki.
It looks like a mattress cover to me.
- How much you pay for it? - $13.
Thirteen bucks! You paid 13 bucks for a cotton blouse? Pop, this is a genuine import.
It came all the way from Africa.
I don't care if it came from Haile Selassie's closet.
It ain't worth no 13 bucks.
I mean, what's the use? The whole world would come to an end before you'd even begin to understand anything.
I can understand this.
This ain't worth no 13 bucks.
You paid 13 bucks for a cotton blouse with no sleeves in it.
- Listen, Lamont - And don't call me by that slave name.
- What kind of name? - Slave name.
The name of a slave that was handed down to him by a slave master.
- What are you talkin' about? - What my name used to be.
Your name has always been Lamont Sanford.
Ever since I can remember, your name's Lamont Sanford.
You was named after Lamont Lomack.
He pitched 46 scoreless, no-hit, no-run innings in 1932.
And he wasn't pitching for no slave master.
He was pitchin' for the Homestead Grays.
Look, now, I know that, Pop.
But see, now I've taken a new name to reflect the new me.
Now, remember I was telling you I was gonna turn over a new leaf? Well, my new name and my new clothes and my new language is all a part of that.
Oh, yeah? Hmm.
Well, you see, Pop Now, I'm a black man, right? You can say that again.
Come on, Pop, this is serious.
I should have a name, a language and clothes that lets everybody know that I'm a black man.
People would know you were a black man if your name was Spiro T.
Agnew.
All they had to do was just look at you.
Would you listen to me for a minute? 'Cause this is really serious.
We shouldn't have these names.
Do you know any white people with names like Lumumba, Kasavubu or Tachaka? I don't even know no black people with names like that.
That's just the point, Pop.
Black people in America have been cut off from their homeland for so long they don't even know the names of their ancestors.
My ancestor's name was Sanford.
My father's name was Sanford, his father's name was Sanford his father's father and their father we all been Sanfords.
And I've only been cut off of my homeland a little over 30 years.
And I suppose that's when your ancestors left Africa? No, that's when I left St.
Louis.
- I'm talking about before that.
- Before that? That was ancient history.
No need to bring that up.
What we called ourselves before we called ourselves Sanford is the thing that's important because that reflects where we originally came from.
That's why I've chosen a name that leaves no doubt about my origin.
Well, what's your original new name? Kalunda.
- Ka-who? - Kalunda.
If you think I'm gonna change the sign from Sanford and Son to Sanford and Kalunda, you crazy! Well, you better get used to it 'cause I ain't answering to Lamont no more.
- Listen, Lamont - Not Lamont.
Kalunda.
Kalunda.
Say it.
Calendar.
Hey, man, just say it right.
Come on.
Kalunda.
- Kalunda.
- That's it.
Kalunda.
I just need more practice.
"I'd like you to meet my son, Kalunda.
" "Package for Mr.
Kalunda.
" "Call for Kalunda!" That sounds Italian.
You sure that's African? It's Congolese.
You see, I met this Nigerian sister and she told me I look like a member of the Baluba tribe one of the largest tribes in the Congo.
Kalunda.
It just don't sound right for a junk dealer.
With a name like Kalunda, you should be driving an elephant, not a truck.
Listen, you'll get used to What's that I smell? It smells like sausage.
Yeah, that's your favorite lunch sausage sandwiches and potato salad.
I'm not eatin' that.
That's pig.
That's not pig.
That's sausage.
- It came from a pig.
I'm not eatin' it.
- Good.
There'll be more for me.
- You're not eating it either.
- Yes, I am.
Gimme them sausages.
Wait a minute, Pop.
Now, it's a proven fact that the human body was not designed to digest pork.
It's full of fats and cholesterol which leads to clogged arteries and heart attacks which could kill you.
If you eat them sausage, it's the same as taking poison.
Well, I'm gonna make me a nice poison sandwich.
Gimme them sausages.
Wait a minute.
Come over here now.
From now on, Pop, we gonna start eatin' righteously.
Which means that no more pig is to be brought into this house.
- No more pork chops? - Bacon either.
Ham, spareribs, pork roast.
Pigs feet, pig ears, neck bones none of that stuff.
"Strikalene," fat back, salt pork, lard.
- No more chitlins? - No more chitlins either.
Listen, what are you What are you trying to do? Starve me to death? Why you changin' the way you dressing, gettin' that weird name and stuff and then putting me on an immediate crash diet? That's how change is supposed to come about, Pop fast.
If I had to be struck by lightning I'd rather be struck a little bit at a time than all at once.
Forget it 'cause we not gonna eat pork.
I've got friends coming this evening.
I'll drop you at the supermarket so we can get some decent food in this house.
I made out a shopping list.
I want you to take this.
Come on, let's go.
But, son, wait a minute.
What about them sausages? That's pig and I want you to get rid of it.
Now, let's go.
Hey, Pop, what are you doing in there? I'm gettin' rid of the pig.
And he won't even let me eat no pork or nothin'.
You ought to see some of the stuff he asked me to buy.
You know, like fruit and sunflower seeds stuff that you'd feed to a hamster.
I wonder what got into Lamont anyway.
Well, he just say he wanted to prove once and for all that he's black.
You mean, he's been tryin' to pass? No, Bubba.
He just wanted to trace his ancestors back to prehistoric times, like even before there was a United States.
- I know where my ancestors come from.
- Where? - Now it's called Memphis, Tennessee.
- Oh, Bubba.
Bubba, thanks for helping me home with the groceries.
Gimme that.
Get the door for me.
- I'll see you later.
- All right.
- What? - Bye.
Hey, Lamont.
What is going on here? You going trick-or-treatin'? What is this? A man's home is supposed to reflect his culture.
Well, if you want to reflect my culture put up a picture of Billy Eckstine and Joe Lewis.
- Did you get all the groceries? - I didn't get everything.
I got the mangos and the fruit.
They didn't have no coconuts and them almonds.
Listen, what these friends of yours got, a pet monkey? No.
Well, I got as much of the stuff as I could.
I don't know what there is.
I was gonna ask you to make fresh fruit salad, but I don't think we have time.
- Did you get the sodas? - Yeah.
What kind of friends do you got that you goin' through all this trouble for? Oyamo and Olaiya.
Your mama and who? Oyamo and Olaiya.
Well, is that a man and woman, or two men or Oyamo is the brother and Olaiya is the Nigerian sister I told you about.
Now, you know Oyamo.
I don't know.
All the people I know got ordinary names.
Like Bubba, and Leroy and Skillet.
You see, Oyamo used to be named Rollo.
- You mean, we lost Rollo? - Now Rollo is named Oyamo.
And it's through him that I met sister Olaiya.
Well, if Rollo's connected with it, it's a racket.
Why are you saying that, Pop? He's serious about his Africanism.
Well, if there's some money to be made, Rollo would become Eskimo.
Now, listen.
Oyamo and Olaiya will be here soon.
And I want you to be nice to her.
In Africa, it is a cardinal sin to be inhospitable.
Well, if she's dumb enough to be with Rollo she's dumb enough to be in the hospital.
You go upstairs and change while I put the rest of these groceries away.
- Change? Change for what? - So that you look presentable.
In Africa, you would not receive guests looking like that.
If I was in Africa, I'd change.
This is Central Avenue, so this is it.
It's too late.
They're here.
Listen.
Try to remember what I said, Pop.
- And please don't embarrass me.
- I ain't gonna embarrass you.
- Try to be cool.
You know, sit there - I'm all right.
Hey, you think you can remember my African name? It's like a cigar Belinda.
- Kalunda.
- Close.
- Bye.
- Pop! I'd like to introduce to you my father, Mr.
Fred Sanford.
How do you do, Mr.
Sanford? I am Olaiya.
Well, it's probably the water.
Shall we all sit down? - Guess I'll go to bed.
- Would you sit down! I'm sleepy, Lamont.
I mean, Kolumbo.
You have some very interesting pieces here, Mr.
Sanford.
Yeah.
I coordinated all this stuff myself.
He brought that jungle junk here this afternoon.
Uh, Pop, why don't you offer our guests some refreshments? - Do I have to remind you of everything? - Yeah.
Got fruits and nuts.
I'd bring you some but promise you won't drop the shells on my good rug.
Thank you very much.
I got a mango too, but it's overripe.
So I'll cut the rotten part off and fix it up for you.
Excuse me.
I'll go and help him.
Kalunda is very disrespectful to his father, isn't he? Is this the way he speaks to him all the time? Every time I come here.
He's very disrespectful.
Ladies first.
No, root beer.
Asante is Swahili, and it means "thank you.
" That's pig latin for "you're welcome.
" What is this how do you say, pig latin? It's nothin'.
It's childish, dumb talk.
It is not childish, dumb talk.
It's sort of language with a code.
So if you want to talk about somebody, and they don't know it you can say what you want to 'cause they don't understand it.
Oh.
Then it is similar in concept to Swahili.
It also was, as you say, made up of several African languages so that the many African nations on the continent could speak to each other.
You know, I didn't know we had that much in common.
And besides, you're a beautiful lady.
Yeah.
C'est si bon.
Pop, you said you wanted to go to bed.
I think now would be a good time.
I'm not sleepy.
I'm enjoying myself.
I wish I had met you 30 years ago when I had, when I had hair.
Before I had this hole in my natural.
I like you just as you are, Mr.
Sanford.
Yeah, but 30 years ago I had a head full of hair and I had it slicked down like Cab Calloway.
You know, I had it fried, dyed and laid to the side.
What are you bringing all of this up for now? Here we all are into a discovery about Africa and you're talking about slicking down your hair to look like white people.
I ain't sayin' nothin' about no white people.
I said Cab Calloway.
He ain't white.
- Why don't you just go to bed? - I ain't sleepy.
You go to bed.
Then why don't you sit here, be quiet and stop making a clown out of yourself? - You might learn something.
- Oyamo, I think we should be leaving.
Don't leave on account of my father's behavior.
He always acts like this.
It is not your father's behavior, brother Kalunda.
- It is your behavior.
- Me? What did I do? The way you talk to your father is deplorable.
No, it It is inexcusable.
In my country, such behavior is unheard of.
You would be beaten.
I wish I had you in Nigeria.
I'd knock you out.
Brother Kalunda it is not your place to chastise your father.
You must respect your father for he is full of years and wisdom.
You must not forget who is the parent and who is the child.
Listen to her, dummy.
Go ahead, honey.
Therefore, it is your duty to make his life pleasant, not unpleasant.
A child should strive to make his parents' winter years like spring.
And this child made my winter years one long blizzard.
As he provided for you when you were a child and could not provide for yourself so must you provide for him now.
And you're not only beautiful, you smart.
Brother Kalunda you have far to go along this path you have chosen for yourself before you reach your destination.
Do not mistake dashikis and sculpture and a hairstyle for Africa, because they aren't.
Nor can you expect merely to put on that cloth and become such a man as your ancestors were.
The clothes you can put on and off.
It is the heart you must change.
The heart.
Good evening.
Good evening, Mr.
Sanford.
I enjoyed meeting you.
You are a man of joy and great depth.
And you're a beautiful lady.
Hey, if I was ten years younger I'd give you a run for your money.
You be nice to her, hear? Have no fear, Pops.
Odabo, Jack! Ah, she's nice.
You know, there's more to this African thing than I thought there was.
I'd go along with you on it, Kalunda.
I mean, you know, you can depend on me.
Say, did you hear me? I called you Kalunda.
Hey, Kalunda.
The name is Lamont.
You mean, I don't have to call you Kalunda no more? Hey, man.
You can call me what you always call me.
Oh, then, that'd be easy.
Dummy.
Hey, Pop, you got my breakfast ready? What are you wearing that for? Well, I knew you wasn't gonna wear it no more, so I thought I'd slip it on.
Make me feel real African.
I look chic in my dashiki.
Listen, Pop, if you gonna make fun of that, then don't wear it.
I'm not makin' fun.
Didn't I tell you that there's a whole lot to this African stuff that I didn't realize before.
And I like that part where you must not forget who is the parent and who is the child.
I kind of figured you would.
And how it's your duty to make my life pleasant, not unpleasant.
You can make my life pleasant with just two words cable television.
Are you back on that again? Because I have already explained to you that I'm not gettin' no cable TV Hold it, hold it! It's not your place to chastise your father.
You must respect him because he has years and wisdom.
Now, about that cable television.
You can forget about cable TV.
Anyway, what are we having for breakfast? Whatever we having is somethin' that we gonna have from now on.
Sausages.
If you're really serious about your Africanism you wouldn't be eatin' them sausages.
You don't have to be a fanatic.
Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.