The A-Team (1983) s02e17 Episode Script
Pure-Dee Poison
NARRATOR: In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a miIitary court for a crime they didn't commit.
These men promptIy escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los AngeIes underground.
Today, stiII wanted by the government, they survive as soIdiers of fortune.
If you have a probIem, if no one eIse can heIp and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.
[Theme music.]
[Upbeat country instrumental music.]
BOYLE: Nothing like that pure Arcadia shine, is there, neighbour? Except maybe some arsenic or some paint thinner.
How many people you poison with that moonshine today, Boyle? Reverend, l'm not gonna listen to any more of your preaching.
Well, that's fine with me, 'cause l'm through sermonising.
Let us pray.
[Gunshot firing.]
Now, you tell your boss the war has just started.
Dad, it's crooked.
Now, it's either the building or your eyes.
Stephanie, go on up to the house and get me some coffee.
Now.
DREW: l take mine with sugar, sugar.
[Door closing.]
Let me ask you some professional advice, Reverend.
There's a line in the Bible that says: ''Vengeance is mine, l will repay, saith the Lord.
'' What do you think they meant by that? Well, Mr.
Drew, l prefer, ''By thy sword shalt thy live ''and shalt serve thy brother.
'' Well, you got your beliefs, l got mine.
-And yours is costing me money.
-Damn your money.
That rotgut you're selling has killed 13 people in the last six months.
You do anything too much and it's gonna hurt you.
Especially if what you're doing is trying to run other people's lives.
That galls me.
That just galls me.
[Tense instrumental music.]
[Taylor grunting.]
You wanted war, Reverend? Well, you gonna get the unholiest war you ever saw.
Amen.
[Slow instrumental music.]
[ln Scottish accent.]
HANNlBAL: Did you come to cast your bread upon the waters, Reverend? Looks like the guy l'm meeting here has done a no-show on me.
HANNlBAL: Well, you never can tell.
HANNlBAL: People bite, when they're ready.
Just like fish.
What's that little doohickey on your collar? That some sort of junior bird man? No, these are wings.
l was in the paratroops, long time ago.
Real long time ago.
-How many ''B'' bag jumps you got? -''B'' bags? You store your dress uniforms in those.
You don't jump with them.
l know.
Just fishing, and making sure that nobody's fishing for me.
Who are you? l'll tell you where the fishing is good.
Now, you just take a little walk down the beach with me.
Wait a minute.
Walk down the beach? What is this? Well, l thought you wanted to hire the A-Team.
l'm Hannibal Smith.
Come on, we've got a lot of talking to do.
HANNlBAL: Well, Face said he knew a Reverend Taylor in Vietnam.
-But we never had an idea it was you.
-Yeah, that's me.
You know, this place reminds me of that villa you ''acquired'' in Saigon.
ln those days you'd do just about anything to get something you wanted.
But pretending to be Vietnamese royaIty.
The trick was never to make eye contact.
But we all mature, right? For instance, you take the way l evolved into an association with this place.
Association? Man, you just scamming like always, that's all.
Elvira happens to be a very renowned silent film star.
And l'm here running her fan club.
Don't lie, Face.
You were supposed to take care of the fan club from the garage.
And besides, that old lady don't have no fans.
l'm a fan.
Besides, Elvira likes me.
l make her laugh.
You make me laugh.
TAYLOR: You have gotten better.
HANNlBAL: He gets a lot of practise.
Which you'll be glad of real soon, if l read you right.
Tell me, Reverend what is the extent of this Drew's influence down there? HANNlBAL: He must be wearing fancy socks in that county to be selling killer moonshine.
Well, he controls Arcadia County.
That shine operation he kingpins is the South's largest.
Shine used to just be whiskey you didn't have to pay any taxes on.
MURDOCK: lt was never any great sweat.
HANNlBAL: Not anymore, Captain.
Now they make it in iron vats and then cook it off in car radiators.
And all that corrosion and lead goes straight into what they pour over the bar.
That's pure-dee poison, Hannibal.
That's what it is.
l've had some of the people in my parish blinded by it.
Paralysed.
Some even died.
Just glamorised poison, that's all it is.
What's Drew's exact operation? One big still.
Site, unknown.
He sells it to the poor joints and he sells it to the private clubs as well.
An octopus.
And it's strangling all of Arcadia.
TAWNlA: l can't tell you guys how included this makes me feel.
l mean, we're like family, practically.
l mean, it's great, don't you think? Tawnia, you may not be thanking us for long.
Things can get hairy.
That's what you guys always tell me.
But stiII, you caIIed me, and asked me to come aIong and heIp.
l mean, you can't tell me that's not significant.
Well, l'm here anyway.
Rev.
Taylor tells me there are three roadhouses in this area that cater to minors.
You mean they're selling this poison to teenagers? That's right.
And Drew makes his deliveries every Wednesday.
Sir, as this is Tuesday it's my feeling that Wednesday could occur officially as early as tomorrow.
Good work, Murdock.
So, we check them all out and figure out the best place to get in Drew's way? Nope.
We just pick one.
We don't ask any questions.
We don't give Drew the opportunity to pick up anything on his grapevine.
[Adventurous instrumental music.]
HANNlBAL: Stand by for our signal.
HANNlBAL: Tawnia'll let you in the front door.
Looks like an old speakeasy.
l'll bet they're real careful about who they let in.
CALHOUN: Members only.
My friend Mr.
Drew told me this might be a smart place to have a sociable drink with little Bubbles here.
HANNlBAL: Consider that a contribution.
[Upbeat country music playing.]
CALHOUN: Howdy.
HANNlBAL: Howdy.
l apologise, mister, but we're gonna have to shake you down.
So just stand easy for a minute.
Since when's a man have to be searched to buy his gal a drink? Especially a personal friend of Mr.
Drew's.
Well, we've been having problems lately.
No insult intended.
lt's just that the wrong kind of people been trying to get into these private clubs.
Well, we wouldn't want that, would we, honey? What about the girl? Forget it.
She couldn't hide anything in there.
-Wanna bet? -Little lady, you wouldn't, now.
No.
But l'm a whole other stretch of road.
[Gunshot firing.]
Get over there.
[Exclaiming.]
Now, you boys wanna keep on playing.
l'm dealing from this deck.
-What is this, man? A stick-up? -Fact-finding mission.
First question: Are you on the shine delivery route tomorrow or not? Moonshine? This is a legit bar.
What are you planning? To do your wash? Are you on the route or not? l can't tell you, man.
They'll burn me out.
[Music on stereo stops playing.]
Never did like that song.
-They'll kill me.
-l guess you didn't hear us.
What's he doing? Just getting ready to turn this place into an open air beer garden.
Now, l'm open to suggestions.
Which wall would you like me to remove? Okay.
They deliver the shine tomorrow, all right? Well, that concludes this part of the fact-finding mission.
But don't be sad.
We saved the best part for last.
Howdy, partner.
Partner? We just went into the roadhouse business.
l love it when a partnership comes together.
Don't you? Yeah.
HANNlBAL: Well, phase one of our operation is a success.
Well, phase one is always the easiest.
The bad guys never know it when you're doing phase one.
Now, phase two that's when the soup sticks to the spoon.
Well, we have the element of surprise on Drew and his muscle.
And the boys here will just keep on doing their work like there's nothing wrong at all.
You talk like you'll catch them like you caught these suckers.
Don't forget, man, these moonshine trucks are rigged.
They know they gonna be chased, so they pIan on being twice as fast.
We'll need something to give us more horsepower than them.
-Any ideas? -Sure.
Nitrous oxide.
Do it every time.
You just feed it into the mix and stand back.
You heard that.
Any local speed shops, pal? CALHOUN: Closest one's about 100 miles.
Face, you got any thoughts on how we might solve our supply problem? Yeah.
Murdock how's that overbite you've been complaining about? Wait a minute, Face.
l don't know what to say.
l'm scared to death of dentists.
l keep thinking that they're not fixing my teeth but that they're hiding things in there.
Dog toys, vacuum cleaners.
Who knows? Murdock, nothing is gonna happen to your teeth.
l'll have you out of there untouched.
l promise.
All right, can l tell you what l'm really, truly, honest-to-gumbo scared of? Fruit bats.
They're awful, Face.
They're all over the South.
Backwood terrors of the night.
The flap-flap of their little wings and the smell of kumquats on their fetid breath.
-Kumquats? -Sure.
Vampires have garlic fruit bats have kumquats.
Right.
Hello.
Can l help you? Hi.
This is an emergency.
My friend's a patient of Dr Klink.
Well, he's not here.
But if it's an emergency, I'm sure we'II take care of you.
l'm Dr.
Reed.
l'll show you to a room.
Something in a Mediterranean would be super.
l don't know if l can do this, Face.
Sure you can, Murdock.
Just act insecure at being in a dentist's office.
Subtlety, that is the key.
Here we are.
Wait a second, Clarke.
Take it easy.
You saw her just a minute ago.
Now, look.
Here she is.
lt's a trick.
l know it is.
They always do that first.
ls there a problem here? You said this was an emergency, and l normally see adult patients alone.
She's gonna put braces all over my teeth and then sell my lips to a bologna factory.
l can't seem to find your X-rays in Dr.
Klink's office yet.
But l thought l better help you calm down a little before l looked any farther.
l'm going to give you some nitrous oxide to take some of the edge off.
DR.
REED: lt's going to make you feel nice and relaxed.
That's a terrific idea, Doctor.
Look, l think Clarke's feeling better already.
l'll be back in a second.
Now, breathe deeply, Mr.
Clarke.
ln, out.
[Murdock giggles.]
[Slow instrumental music.]
Wait a second.
Clarke! Don't worry.
l'll have him back in no time.
Just leave everything to me.
Okay, Hannibal, l got the truck all rigged.
l think the guys are coming up the road, so l decided to come inside.
Everybody relax.
You'II know when to tense up.
Okay, Tawnia, Face, out the back door.
And go out fighting.
FACE: And don't bother to come back.
You just lost yourself a honey of a job.
Good luck in nowhere.
Yeah, same to you, you stupid goon.
-This place stinks, anyhow.
Tips are lousy.
-Nice talking to you.
And l hope 60 Minutes does a close-up on you so you're all sent to the electric chair! lt's not so bad.
You know what? You need to relax.
Get lost, porky.
l got a truck full of relaxation right here with me.
You just simmer down and we'll talk about it.
Okay? How you doing? Set to deliver.
Truck's out back with a full load.
New man.
He seems fine.
There's sure a lot of people around here today.
BURT: Think we could step to the back, take care of some private business? lf you're gonna make any deliveries, friend, you ought to make them with the man who has the new majority interest in this establishment.
BURT: What is this? HANNlBAL: We had a merger.
The boys here are the mergees.
They got a new boss.
That's supposed to be you? Give you a problem? Gotta call your mamma? l said what is this? l wouldn't ask him, if l were you.
He's had the wrong answer to just about everything all day.
Now, you came here to deliver some shine.
DeIiver it.
Only, we're gonna take all of it.
And then we're gonna pour that slime down the nearest hole.
You keep talking, fella and l'm gonna stuff you down that hole myself.
You're Rev.
Taylor's friend, right? Let's just say we ain't no friends of yours, sucker.
FRANK: Hey, that's valuable shine there.
[Tense instrumental music.]
l think we're gonna enjoy this.
BURT: Let's get out of here! [Fast-paced instrumental music.]
BURT: Get out of here! TAWNlA: l couldn't blow up the second truck.
Hey, man, we ain't losing them.
We'll lose them.
We ain't cutting it here, Hannibal.
Let's go to the smoke, man.
[Fast-paced instrumental music.]
l told you boys we'd take all your shine.
Do it, Face.
Now, you get to waIk home.
And tell your boss he's out of business.
From now on, we own the road.
[Slow instrumental music.]
What happened to the trucks? Taylor's escalating.
He's hired a bunch of city guys.
They got guns, grenades, the whole shot.
Said he's gonna put us out of business.
We can escalate, too.
Thank you.
This ladder is a little rickety.
[B.
A.
exclaiming.]
Thank you.
Perfect landing.
Well, you gotta be careful.
You might hurt yourself.
Better let us do the climbing around here.
You don't think a woman can handle a little work? All l said is that you should let us do the climbing.
You're a strange sort of man, B.
A.
-Ain't no different than all the rest.
-l think you are.
You're special.
HANNlBAL: Well, Drew, l'm surprised.
l didn't think you'd have the plumbing to take the humiliation in person.
We just dropped by to let you people know you're playing with the wrong guy.
We got the right guy.
And we're not playing.
What we want is for you to close up shop.
Today.
You trying to be funny? l'm trying to save you ten miles of misery.
We know where the roads run.
We hurt you once and we'll keep knocking you down every time you're dumb enough to get up.
DREW: l got too many men.
HANNlBAL: You'd sneak through a few loads.
We'll take that battery acid you sell and spill it all over the road enough times you'll go broke.
l get it.
Looking for a piece of the action around here, is that it? Us? We wanna bury you.
You're Iucky we're friends of the Reverend, 'cause he wouIdn't Iike that.
All these threats.
Maybe l'll put a torch to this place right now with you all in it.
How about that, huh? How about this, sucker? Get out.
[Truck engine starting.]
We could've given as good as we got in there, Mr.
Drew.
We're gonna give more than we got, Burt.
You can count on that.
[Tense instrumental music.]
Murdock, you all right? l believe Operation 70mm is going to be a success, gentlemen.
[Laughing maniacally.]
Not bad reception, huh, Reverend? FACE: Better than cable.
What are we looking for, where the place is? -That and something more.
-Yeah, like what they got waiting for us.
They'll be set up before they come here to make trouble and you can stuff your piggy bank on that.
What you got so far, Face? A couple of cameras in the trees, a few trip wires and several fairly obvious booby-traps.
Pretty amateurish.
They may be amateurs but anybody trying that hard to hide something must really have something to hide.
That's a big operation.
But it's getting ready to shrink.
Well, there goes our Emmy.
But we got enough to move on.
Enough? What if they have mine fields out there? This guy is so mad, he's looking for a river to dump us in.
Face, now they may have asked us to dance but they don't know that we're gonna do a flamenco on their little heads.
Sergeant, you ready to fold, spindle and mutilate? Hey, now wait a second.
l don't wanna risk any more lives than l've already lost around here.
That's what l'm trying to prevent.
Maybe there's some other way.
Reverend, sometimes they don't give a person a choice.
l'm sorry, Reverend, but he's just telling it like it is.
We don't like going around hurting people, but we do like wrecking a bad still.
You gotta have faith in us.
Amen, brother.
[Suspenseful instrumental music.]
[Suspenseful instrumental music continues.]
[Discordant TV signals.]
FRANK: That figures.
So much for this $49.
95 low-tech special.
l'll go get somebody to check it out.
See if it clears.
Maybe we can shine it on.
[Groans.]
MURDOCK: Man! [Rustling.]
What's that noise? [Mimicking a wild animal's grunt.]
Ain't nothing but a wild razorback.
[Upbeat country instrumental music.]
[Exclaiming.]
[Dramatic instrumental music.]
FACE: Hold it! [Car approaching.]
BURT: Just hold it right there, or these ladies die.
Get out! Look at the saviours of Arcadia County now.
BURT: Okay, hold it right there.
You know, as soon as Drew comes l'm gonna get you a nice, down-home fire to warm you right up.
That's just what we need.
Fido on the rug, the evening paper, some slippers.
And you can throw in some 30-ought-six if you feel like it.
You guys talk tough for people a little close to being dead.
BURT: Lock them up! Thank you.
You two all right? Where's Reverend Taylor? TAWNlA: They caught us alone.
STEPHANlE: My dad had to help somebody in his church an old man that he takes to the doctor once a month.
Guess we kind of helped wreck your plan, huh, guys? Well, let's just say you were a bit of a surprise.
But l'm sure it's only a temporary setback.
Don't worry about anything, Stephanie.
Ain't nothing really happen yet.
And when it does, they ain't gonna like it.
That's my promise to you.
Plenty of overhead light, good power source.
Just like a hardware store.
l like this place.
What do you think, B.
A.
? -Let's do it.
-Okay.
Murdock, you work with Face.
Tawnia, Stephanie, you're gonna work with me.
-Let's go! -Wait a minute.
This is insane.
This? Stephanie, this isn't even close.
You want insane, ask me to write you a letter sometime.
Come on, ladies.
[Military instrumental music.]
[Military instrumental music continues.]
[Military instrumental music intensifies.]
Let's crank her up.
[Engine faltering.]
[Engine coughing.]
Where did you put them? The barn.
Nice and tight.
Burn it.
[Engine roaring.]
What's that? Everybody get out of here, now! Move it! Come on! -What have they got in there? -l didn't think they had dirt.
Walter, you and Frank take the door.
And l'll.
[Crashing.]
[Murdock laughing maniacally.]
[Gunshot firing.]
Always worked for John Wayne.
Time to start the temperance meeting, B.
A.
Hannibal! [Heroic instrumental music.]
All right! The bar's closed.
Hands over your heads and start repenting or we're gonna drop a little hellfire on your kick-a-poo juice and send you to kingdom come.
Now, drop your guns and come on out! B.
A.
: Move, suckers! [Exclaiming.]
Got a little advice for you, pal.
Next time a preacher talks, you better listen.
Hannibal, l've really gotta give you credit.
l never could figure out how you were gonna get it done.
Reverend, sometimes our work is kind of like yours.
lt's a matter of faith.
l'm not sure that's how Drew and his friends are gonna look at all this.
All they're gonna see are some small rooms for a long time.
l'll tell you one thing, you sure made my job here a lot easier.
By that, I mean the job I'm supposed to be doing.
Not busting stills and fighting moonshine runners.
Reverend, when you do the Lord's work, a man has many duties.
Amen.
-Bye.
-Bye.
TAYLOR: Good luck to you.
FACE: Take care.
We'll see you.
One thing that still bothers me, though.
Doesn't it strike any of you guys as funny? What's funny? We been on this whole trip and we haven't seen one single fuzzy little fruit bat.
Not one.
Murdock, l read that article.
lt's fruit ''gnats.
'' Gnats? Yeah, little bitty things.
You know, gnats.
But that perverts my whole understanding of the cosmos.
l don't know how anything works if they're gnats.
Oh, l'm back to square one.
Hey, Hannibal, take a look.
l really wanted to thank you.
No sweat.
Well, even if it wasn't, l especially wanted to thank you.
I'm just sorry that we didn't get a chance to be better friends, B.
A.
Well, l got these guys l gotta keep on wheels.
And besides, the Army is after us.
Wherever we go, there's trouble.
lf we stay in one place too long, things get kind of hot.
Maybe some day you'll work that out, you know.
Yeah.
Sergeant, l think it's about time we rolled.
[Slow instrumental music.]
And maybe then l can see you.
Yeah.
HANNlBAL: Time to go, Sergeant.
Let's move out.
[Slow instrumental music intensifies.]
[Military instrumental music.]
[Theme music.]
These men promptIy escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los AngeIes underground.
Today, stiII wanted by the government, they survive as soIdiers of fortune.
If you have a probIem, if no one eIse can heIp and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.
[Theme music.]
[Upbeat country instrumental music.]
BOYLE: Nothing like that pure Arcadia shine, is there, neighbour? Except maybe some arsenic or some paint thinner.
How many people you poison with that moonshine today, Boyle? Reverend, l'm not gonna listen to any more of your preaching.
Well, that's fine with me, 'cause l'm through sermonising.
Let us pray.
[Gunshot firing.]
Now, you tell your boss the war has just started.
Dad, it's crooked.
Now, it's either the building or your eyes.
Stephanie, go on up to the house and get me some coffee.
Now.
DREW: l take mine with sugar, sugar.
[Door closing.]
Let me ask you some professional advice, Reverend.
There's a line in the Bible that says: ''Vengeance is mine, l will repay, saith the Lord.
'' What do you think they meant by that? Well, Mr.
Drew, l prefer, ''By thy sword shalt thy live ''and shalt serve thy brother.
'' Well, you got your beliefs, l got mine.
-And yours is costing me money.
-Damn your money.
That rotgut you're selling has killed 13 people in the last six months.
You do anything too much and it's gonna hurt you.
Especially if what you're doing is trying to run other people's lives.
That galls me.
That just galls me.
[Tense instrumental music.]
[Taylor grunting.]
You wanted war, Reverend? Well, you gonna get the unholiest war you ever saw.
Amen.
[Slow instrumental music.]
[ln Scottish accent.]
HANNlBAL: Did you come to cast your bread upon the waters, Reverend? Looks like the guy l'm meeting here has done a no-show on me.
HANNlBAL: Well, you never can tell.
HANNlBAL: People bite, when they're ready.
Just like fish.
What's that little doohickey on your collar? That some sort of junior bird man? No, these are wings.
l was in the paratroops, long time ago.
Real long time ago.
-How many ''B'' bag jumps you got? -''B'' bags? You store your dress uniforms in those.
You don't jump with them.
l know.
Just fishing, and making sure that nobody's fishing for me.
Who are you? l'll tell you where the fishing is good.
Now, you just take a little walk down the beach with me.
Wait a minute.
Walk down the beach? What is this? Well, l thought you wanted to hire the A-Team.
l'm Hannibal Smith.
Come on, we've got a lot of talking to do.
HANNlBAL: Well, Face said he knew a Reverend Taylor in Vietnam.
-But we never had an idea it was you.
-Yeah, that's me.
You know, this place reminds me of that villa you ''acquired'' in Saigon.
ln those days you'd do just about anything to get something you wanted.
But pretending to be Vietnamese royaIty.
The trick was never to make eye contact.
But we all mature, right? For instance, you take the way l evolved into an association with this place.
Association? Man, you just scamming like always, that's all.
Elvira happens to be a very renowned silent film star.
And l'm here running her fan club.
Don't lie, Face.
You were supposed to take care of the fan club from the garage.
And besides, that old lady don't have no fans.
l'm a fan.
Besides, Elvira likes me.
l make her laugh.
You make me laugh.
TAYLOR: You have gotten better.
HANNlBAL: He gets a lot of practise.
Which you'll be glad of real soon, if l read you right.
Tell me, Reverend what is the extent of this Drew's influence down there? HANNlBAL: He must be wearing fancy socks in that county to be selling killer moonshine.
Well, he controls Arcadia County.
That shine operation he kingpins is the South's largest.
Shine used to just be whiskey you didn't have to pay any taxes on.
MURDOCK: lt was never any great sweat.
HANNlBAL: Not anymore, Captain.
Now they make it in iron vats and then cook it off in car radiators.
And all that corrosion and lead goes straight into what they pour over the bar.
That's pure-dee poison, Hannibal.
That's what it is.
l've had some of the people in my parish blinded by it.
Paralysed.
Some even died.
Just glamorised poison, that's all it is.
What's Drew's exact operation? One big still.
Site, unknown.
He sells it to the poor joints and he sells it to the private clubs as well.
An octopus.
And it's strangling all of Arcadia.
TAWNlA: l can't tell you guys how included this makes me feel.
l mean, we're like family, practically.
l mean, it's great, don't you think? Tawnia, you may not be thanking us for long.
Things can get hairy.
That's what you guys always tell me.
But stiII, you caIIed me, and asked me to come aIong and heIp.
l mean, you can't tell me that's not significant.
Well, l'm here anyway.
Rev.
Taylor tells me there are three roadhouses in this area that cater to minors.
You mean they're selling this poison to teenagers? That's right.
And Drew makes his deliveries every Wednesday.
Sir, as this is Tuesday it's my feeling that Wednesday could occur officially as early as tomorrow.
Good work, Murdock.
So, we check them all out and figure out the best place to get in Drew's way? Nope.
We just pick one.
We don't ask any questions.
We don't give Drew the opportunity to pick up anything on his grapevine.
[Adventurous instrumental music.]
HANNlBAL: Stand by for our signal.
HANNlBAL: Tawnia'll let you in the front door.
Looks like an old speakeasy.
l'll bet they're real careful about who they let in.
CALHOUN: Members only.
My friend Mr.
Drew told me this might be a smart place to have a sociable drink with little Bubbles here.
HANNlBAL: Consider that a contribution.
[Upbeat country music playing.]
CALHOUN: Howdy.
HANNlBAL: Howdy.
l apologise, mister, but we're gonna have to shake you down.
So just stand easy for a minute.
Since when's a man have to be searched to buy his gal a drink? Especially a personal friend of Mr.
Drew's.
Well, we've been having problems lately.
No insult intended.
lt's just that the wrong kind of people been trying to get into these private clubs.
Well, we wouldn't want that, would we, honey? What about the girl? Forget it.
She couldn't hide anything in there.
-Wanna bet? -Little lady, you wouldn't, now.
No.
But l'm a whole other stretch of road.
[Gunshot firing.]
Get over there.
[Exclaiming.]
Now, you boys wanna keep on playing.
l'm dealing from this deck.
-What is this, man? A stick-up? -Fact-finding mission.
First question: Are you on the shine delivery route tomorrow or not? Moonshine? This is a legit bar.
What are you planning? To do your wash? Are you on the route or not? l can't tell you, man.
They'll burn me out.
[Music on stereo stops playing.]
Never did like that song.
-They'll kill me.
-l guess you didn't hear us.
What's he doing? Just getting ready to turn this place into an open air beer garden.
Now, l'm open to suggestions.
Which wall would you like me to remove? Okay.
They deliver the shine tomorrow, all right? Well, that concludes this part of the fact-finding mission.
But don't be sad.
We saved the best part for last.
Howdy, partner.
Partner? We just went into the roadhouse business.
l love it when a partnership comes together.
Don't you? Yeah.
HANNlBAL: Well, phase one of our operation is a success.
Well, phase one is always the easiest.
The bad guys never know it when you're doing phase one.
Now, phase two that's when the soup sticks to the spoon.
Well, we have the element of surprise on Drew and his muscle.
And the boys here will just keep on doing their work like there's nothing wrong at all.
You talk like you'll catch them like you caught these suckers.
Don't forget, man, these moonshine trucks are rigged.
They know they gonna be chased, so they pIan on being twice as fast.
We'll need something to give us more horsepower than them.
-Any ideas? -Sure.
Nitrous oxide.
Do it every time.
You just feed it into the mix and stand back.
You heard that.
Any local speed shops, pal? CALHOUN: Closest one's about 100 miles.
Face, you got any thoughts on how we might solve our supply problem? Yeah.
Murdock how's that overbite you've been complaining about? Wait a minute, Face.
l don't know what to say.
l'm scared to death of dentists.
l keep thinking that they're not fixing my teeth but that they're hiding things in there.
Dog toys, vacuum cleaners.
Who knows? Murdock, nothing is gonna happen to your teeth.
l'll have you out of there untouched.
l promise.
All right, can l tell you what l'm really, truly, honest-to-gumbo scared of? Fruit bats.
They're awful, Face.
They're all over the South.
Backwood terrors of the night.
The flap-flap of their little wings and the smell of kumquats on their fetid breath.
-Kumquats? -Sure.
Vampires have garlic fruit bats have kumquats.
Right.
Hello.
Can l help you? Hi.
This is an emergency.
My friend's a patient of Dr Klink.
Well, he's not here.
But if it's an emergency, I'm sure we'II take care of you.
l'm Dr.
Reed.
l'll show you to a room.
Something in a Mediterranean would be super.
l don't know if l can do this, Face.
Sure you can, Murdock.
Just act insecure at being in a dentist's office.
Subtlety, that is the key.
Here we are.
Wait a second, Clarke.
Take it easy.
You saw her just a minute ago.
Now, look.
Here she is.
lt's a trick.
l know it is.
They always do that first.
ls there a problem here? You said this was an emergency, and l normally see adult patients alone.
She's gonna put braces all over my teeth and then sell my lips to a bologna factory.
l can't seem to find your X-rays in Dr.
Klink's office yet.
But l thought l better help you calm down a little before l looked any farther.
l'm going to give you some nitrous oxide to take some of the edge off.
DR.
REED: lt's going to make you feel nice and relaxed.
That's a terrific idea, Doctor.
Look, l think Clarke's feeling better already.
l'll be back in a second.
Now, breathe deeply, Mr.
Clarke.
ln, out.
[Murdock giggles.]
[Slow instrumental music.]
Wait a second.
Clarke! Don't worry.
l'll have him back in no time.
Just leave everything to me.
Okay, Hannibal, l got the truck all rigged.
l think the guys are coming up the road, so l decided to come inside.
Everybody relax.
You'II know when to tense up.
Okay, Tawnia, Face, out the back door.
And go out fighting.
FACE: And don't bother to come back.
You just lost yourself a honey of a job.
Good luck in nowhere.
Yeah, same to you, you stupid goon.
-This place stinks, anyhow.
Tips are lousy.
-Nice talking to you.
And l hope 60 Minutes does a close-up on you so you're all sent to the electric chair! lt's not so bad.
You know what? You need to relax.
Get lost, porky.
l got a truck full of relaxation right here with me.
You just simmer down and we'll talk about it.
Okay? How you doing? Set to deliver.
Truck's out back with a full load.
New man.
He seems fine.
There's sure a lot of people around here today.
BURT: Think we could step to the back, take care of some private business? lf you're gonna make any deliveries, friend, you ought to make them with the man who has the new majority interest in this establishment.
BURT: What is this? HANNlBAL: We had a merger.
The boys here are the mergees.
They got a new boss.
That's supposed to be you? Give you a problem? Gotta call your mamma? l said what is this? l wouldn't ask him, if l were you.
He's had the wrong answer to just about everything all day.
Now, you came here to deliver some shine.
DeIiver it.
Only, we're gonna take all of it.
And then we're gonna pour that slime down the nearest hole.
You keep talking, fella and l'm gonna stuff you down that hole myself.
You're Rev.
Taylor's friend, right? Let's just say we ain't no friends of yours, sucker.
FRANK: Hey, that's valuable shine there.
[Tense instrumental music.]
l think we're gonna enjoy this.
BURT: Let's get out of here! [Fast-paced instrumental music.]
BURT: Get out of here! TAWNlA: l couldn't blow up the second truck.
Hey, man, we ain't losing them.
We'll lose them.
We ain't cutting it here, Hannibal.
Let's go to the smoke, man.
[Fast-paced instrumental music.]
l told you boys we'd take all your shine.
Do it, Face.
Now, you get to waIk home.
And tell your boss he's out of business.
From now on, we own the road.
[Slow instrumental music.]
What happened to the trucks? Taylor's escalating.
He's hired a bunch of city guys.
They got guns, grenades, the whole shot.
Said he's gonna put us out of business.
We can escalate, too.
Thank you.
This ladder is a little rickety.
[B.
A.
exclaiming.]
Thank you.
Perfect landing.
Well, you gotta be careful.
You might hurt yourself.
Better let us do the climbing around here.
You don't think a woman can handle a little work? All l said is that you should let us do the climbing.
You're a strange sort of man, B.
A.
-Ain't no different than all the rest.
-l think you are.
You're special.
HANNlBAL: Well, Drew, l'm surprised.
l didn't think you'd have the plumbing to take the humiliation in person.
We just dropped by to let you people know you're playing with the wrong guy.
We got the right guy.
And we're not playing.
What we want is for you to close up shop.
Today.
You trying to be funny? l'm trying to save you ten miles of misery.
We know where the roads run.
We hurt you once and we'll keep knocking you down every time you're dumb enough to get up.
DREW: l got too many men.
HANNlBAL: You'd sneak through a few loads.
We'll take that battery acid you sell and spill it all over the road enough times you'll go broke.
l get it.
Looking for a piece of the action around here, is that it? Us? We wanna bury you.
You're Iucky we're friends of the Reverend, 'cause he wouIdn't Iike that.
All these threats.
Maybe l'll put a torch to this place right now with you all in it.
How about that, huh? How about this, sucker? Get out.
[Truck engine starting.]
We could've given as good as we got in there, Mr.
Drew.
We're gonna give more than we got, Burt.
You can count on that.
[Tense instrumental music.]
Murdock, you all right? l believe Operation 70mm is going to be a success, gentlemen.
[Laughing maniacally.]
Not bad reception, huh, Reverend? FACE: Better than cable.
What are we looking for, where the place is? -That and something more.
-Yeah, like what they got waiting for us.
They'll be set up before they come here to make trouble and you can stuff your piggy bank on that.
What you got so far, Face? A couple of cameras in the trees, a few trip wires and several fairly obvious booby-traps.
Pretty amateurish.
They may be amateurs but anybody trying that hard to hide something must really have something to hide.
That's a big operation.
But it's getting ready to shrink.
Well, there goes our Emmy.
But we got enough to move on.
Enough? What if they have mine fields out there? This guy is so mad, he's looking for a river to dump us in.
Face, now they may have asked us to dance but they don't know that we're gonna do a flamenco on their little heads.
Sergeant, you ready to fold, spindle and mutilate? Hey, now wait a second.
l don't wanna risk any more lives than l've already lost around here.
That's what l'm trying to prevent.
Maybe there's some other way.
Reverend, sometimes they don't give a person a choice.
l'm sorry, Reverend, but he's just telling it like it is.
We don't like going around hurting people, but we do like wrecking a bad still.
You gotta have faith in us.
Amen, brother.
[Suspenseful instrumental music.]
[Suspenseful instrumental music continues.]
[Discordant TV signals.]
FRANK: That figures.
So much for this $49.
95 low-tech special.
l'll go get somebody to check it out.
See if it clears.
Maybe we can shine it on.
[Groans.]
MURDOCK: Man! [Rustling.]
What's that noise? [Mimicking a wild animal's grunt.]
Ain't nothing but a wild razorback.
[Upbeat country instrumental music.]
[Exclaiming.]
[Dramatic instrumental music.]
FACE: Hold it! [Car approaching.]
BURT: Just hold it right there, or these ladies die.
Get out! Look at the saviours of Arcadia County now.
BURT: Okay, hold it right there.
You know, as soon as Drew comes l'm gonna get you a nice, down-home fire to warm you right up.
That's just what we need.
Fido on the rug, the evening paper, some slippers.
And you can throw in some 30-ought-six if you feel like it.
You guys talk tough for people a little close to being dead.
BURT: Lock them up! Thank you.
You two all right? Where's Reverend Taylor? TAWNlA: They caught us alone.
STEPHANlE: My dad had to help somebody in his church an old man that he takes to the doctor once a month.
Guess we kind of helped wreck your plan, huh, guys? Well, let's just say you were a bit of a surprise.
But l'm sure it's only a temporary setback.
Don't worry about anything, Stephanie.
Ain't nothing really happen yet.
And when it does, they ain't gonna like it.
That's my promise to you.
Plenty of overhead light, good power source.
Just like a hardware store.
l like this place.
What do you think, B.
A.
? -Let's do it.
-Okay.
Murdock, you work with Face.
Tawnia, Stephanie, you're gonna work with me.
-Let's go! -Wait a minute.
This is insane.
This? Stephanie, this isn't even close.
You want insane, ask me to write you a letter sometime.
Come on, ladies.
[Military instrumental music.]
[Military instrumental music continues.]
[Military instrumental music intensifies.]
Let's crank her up.
[Engine faltering.]
[Engine coughing.]
Where did you put them? The barn.
Nice and tight.
Burn it.
[Engine roaring.]
What's that? Everybody get out of here, now! Move it! Come on! -What have they got in there? -l didn't think they had dirt.
Walter, you and Frank take the door.
And l'll.
[Crashing.]
[Murdock laughing maniacally.]
[Gunshot firing.]
Always worked for John Wayne.
Time to start the temperance meeting, B.
A.
Hannibal! [Heroic instrumental music.]
All right! The bar's closed.
Hands over your heads and start repenting or we're gonna drop a little hellfire on your kick-a-poo juice and send you to kingdom come.
Now, drop your guns and come on out! B.
A.
: Move, suckers! [Exclaiming.]
Got a little advice for you, pal.
Next time a preacher talks, you better listen.
Hannibal, l've really gotta give you credit.
l never could figure out how you were gonna get it done.
Reverend, sometimes our work is kind of like yours.
lt's a matter of faith.
l'm not sure that's how Drew and his friends are gonna look at all this.
All they're gonna see are some small rooms for a long time.
l'll tell you one thing, you sure made my job here a lot easier.
By that, I mean the job I'm supposed to be doing.
Not busting stills and fighting moonshine runners.
Reverend, when you do the Lord's work, a man has many duties.
Amen.
-Bye.
-Bye.
TAYLOR: Good luck to you.
FACE: Take care.
We'll see you.
One thing that still bothers me, though.
Doesn't it strike any of you guys as funny? What's funny? We been on this whole trip and we haven't seen one single fuzzy little fruit bat.
Not one.
Murdock, l read that article.
lt's fruit ''gnats.
'' Gnats? Yeah, little bitty things.
You know, gnats.
But that perverts my whole understanding of the cosmos.
l don't know how anything works if they're gnats.
Oh, l'm back to square one.
Hey, Hannibal, take a look.
l really wanted to thank you.
No sweat.
Well, even if it wasn't, l especially wanted to thank you.
I'm just sorry that we didn't get a chance to be better friends, B.
A.
Well, l got these guys l gotta keep on wheels.
And besides, the Army is after us.
Wherever we go, there's trouble.
lf we stay in one place too long, things get kind of hot.
Maybe some day you'll work that out, you know.
Yeah.
Sergeant, l think it's about time we rolled.
[Slow instrumental music.]
And maybe then l can see you.
Yeah.
HANNlBAL: Time to go, Sergeant.
Let's move out.
[Slow instrumental music intensifies.]
[Military instrumental music.]
[Theme music.]