The Cleveland Show s02e17 Episode Script

[HORNS HONKING.]
["EVERYBODY HURTS" PLAYING.]
When the day is long And the night The night is yours alone When you're sure you've had enough Of this life Well, hang on Don't let yourself go 'Cause everybody cries And everybody hurts And everybody hurts You've given me an idea.
No time to waste.
Wait, do you still have that Moses staff? Sure do.
And part! [RIDERS SCREAMING.]
Oop, had it backwards.
Uh, Terry, do I have tiny Jews in my hair? - Yeah, it looks like it.
- Ha, ha.
[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
["LA CUCARACHA" PLAYING ON CAR HORN.]
- The Spanish ice cream truck's back.
- Let's buy some pot.
Oh, just Cleveland.
Hey, can we buy some pot? Marijuana is illegal and immoral.
No, wait.
That's cocaine.
No, I don't have any marijuana.
I am here to talk to you about selling beer on the freeway.
That's right, I've invented a beer truck.
The business strategy is in your investment packets.
- I'm in.
- Me too.
I just gotta show this to my lawyer.
I don't know, Cleveland.
It's just that me and Kendra have been sort of in-between jobs for the last 34 years.
Money's a little tight.
But if you invest what little money you have in my beer truck idea you're guaranteed to make a million dollars or less.
Fine.
I'll ask my wife.
Oh, yeah.
If there are two things women are great at it's managing money and not killing dreams.
[LAUGHS.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
So I thought if I took our savings our couch money, and redeemed our Camel bucks But that scrilla's gotta last us our whole lives.
I mean, what are the odds of me falling in Walmart again? Please.
No, Lester.
The answer is no.
Now, why don't you get in here with me? How? [JUNIOR LAUGHS.]
Come on, Rallo.
You're up.
Rallo, you've grown a foot and a half.
Young man, it is time I give you another haircut.
No offense, Mama, but I'm ready to get a real haircut from someone who's qualified to cut hair.
Oh, so suddenly my master's in cosmetology means nothing? Yeah, suddenly.
Well, then I guess I can't help you with that.
Little smart-ass.
I now christen thee Beer Force One.
[ALL CHEERING.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
LESTER: Guys, wait for me! It's Lester.
What's he doing? Looks like he's jogging and carrying a big jar of money.
- That's how McConaughey works out.
- I'm in! I knew you'd come around.
We need you.
Give me your hand! Cleveland, slow down a little.
He's not gonna make it! The hell he's not.
I'm gonna slow down a little more.
[LESTER & TIM SOBBING.]
[SOFT-ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Two lights, two regulars.
- Two lights, two regulars.
- We're tapped out.
- Sorry, folks.
That's all for today.
[CROWD MUTTERING.]
Come on.
We've really done something here today.
TIM: Uh, guys, you might wanna come out here and take a look at this.
[DRIVERS GROANING.]
Oh, well.
I guess we've learned not to invest our own money in our harebrained ideas.
Good night, everybody.
Whoa, whoa, Cleveland.
I put everything I had into this truck.
I'm screwed.
Bankrumpt.
It's "rupt.
" Hey, you guys moving? What? No.
I told you, Cleveland.
We've lost everything and it's all your fault.
You tricked me with your Obama-like eloquence and "tell you no lie" mustache.
Ma'am, we're gonna need your Rascal.
[KENDRA GASPS.]
Oh, not the Rascal! I'm sorry.
[MAN & KENDRA GRUNTING.]
Hey, Tony, we got a fatty.
Little bologna here? [KENDRA GROWLING.]
You come back here with that bologna.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
There goes your house.
Kendra, I'll do whatever it takes to make this right.
I'll be at Mother's.
[GRUNTING.]
Thanks a lot, Cleveland.
CLEVELAND: Uh, leak.
MAN [ON TV.]
: And they're off.
Hey.
- Murray.
- And a black kid.
Boys, this is my friend Rallo, and he needs a man's haircut.
Rallo, this is Vinnie.
Oh, Rallo.
Forget about it.
Well, that seems authentic.
Hey, grab a magazine and tell me what we're doing today.
Just take me back down to a Lionel Jefferson.
Whoa, these ladies are naked.
I mean, I've seen plenty of naked ladies in my Oh, she ain't got no wiener.
What happened to her wiener? Someone got it.
Just like I got your nose.
[MURRAY CHUCKLES.]
She never had a wiener, did she? She's had lots of wieners, Rallo.
[KENDRA MOANING FROM OUTSIDE.]
Oh, hey, it's you.
You ever catch that bologna? KENDRA: Read this.
"Blah, blah, blah, failure.
Blah, blah, blah, life not worth living.
" Blah, blah, blah.
Misspelled "suicide.
" Who is this even from? It's from Lester, and he says he's driving your dang beer truck over Suicide Falls.
My deposit! And Lester.
Oh, there he is! He might make it across.
Nope.
He gone.
[BAND PLAYING "TURKEY IN THE STRAW".]
We gather here today to mourn the loss of Lester Krinklesac.
One could never know what would drive a man to take his own life.
Oh, wait.
I have his suicide note right here.
Let me read it.
Huh.
Apparently, he met financial ruin after some damn fool convinced him to invest in a, get this, beer truck.
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
Blame the beer truck.
I do not blame the beer truck but the greed and the dumb-ass-itude of whoever was behind the beer truck.
Uh, swearing during a funeral.
He's swearing during a funeral.
I know.
I just feel so terrible.
He was my friend, and I made him do this.
Yes, you did.
You killed this man as surely as Cain killed Abel or Ebert killed Siskel! Two thumbs down to the serpent who led Lester astray for he shall burn in hell! [CLEVELAND CRYING.]
Well, at least we'll be in hell together.
Me? Why? Because of all your texting and driving.
Driving is boring.
You did this.
All right.
Drive safe.
You know, we should offer to take her in.
Or at least make an empty gesture.
Hey, Kiki, taking a little break? Well, being a widow ain't as glamorous as Courtney Love makes it look.
Mm-hm, mm-hm.
So, Kendra, you need a place to stay or, no, you're fine? Fine.
I wouldn't wanna be a burden.
Then say no.
But then again, if it will ease some of your guilt I suppose it's the least I can do.
DONNA: The least you can do is not do it.
Donna, she is a shamefully obese widow.
She's staying with us.
By the way, how's Ernie? He's away at the job he took when we lost the money.
[CREW SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
[ALL YELLING.]
Oh, God! My legs! Never a dull moment, huh? Woo-hoo! [CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
You boys watching The Squeakquel? No, I was just telling them a joke I heard at Murray's barbershop.
Suffice it to say, it has to do with a traveling salesman and a farmer's daughter with teeth in a place you might not expect.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
- Aah! - You are not to set foot in that disgusting barbershop ever again.
Oh, man.
Murray and his friends are so lucky their mamas are dead.
- Oh, damn, Rallo.
- I know.
I shouldn't have said it.
God, please don't take my mama.
Miss Kendra ate all the marshmallows out of my cereal.
- That's just fantastic.
- Sorry, Junior.
But she's only here for a few days and, actually, some people eat cereal without marshmallows.
Well, not me.
The floor can have this because it's useless.
I'm going to Denny's for some pancakes.
Did somebody say pancakes? Oh, man.
KENDRA: Uh-oh.
Cleveland.
[SIGHS.]
Check it, homes.
Your air mattress done went flat on me.
That wasn't an air mattress.
It was a $1500 Sealy Posturepedic pillow top.
- Well, now it's a flat toilet.
- Oh, God.
Oh, I gotta get back to that barbershop.
Hold still, Legolas.
We don't want your silky, flaxen tresses to get caught in your bowstring at the Battle of Helm's Deep.
Or maybe I'll bring the barbershop to me.
You're pretty.
Prettier than I'll ever be.
[GRUNTING.]
Ha, ha.
I'm just playing.
Yes, Kendra.
I've come all the way to the Fluvanna County Mall and you're right, they do make Kevlar pantyhose.
[CLEVELAND SIGHS.]
[IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
Mannish by Hilary Swank? Lester? Oh, my God, Lester.
You're alive.
Pardon me, my dear sir.
But I do believe you have me confused with someone else.
As you can see here on my nameplate, my name is Lestah.
I'm sorry.
I had you confused with some Aha! Aah! I got Swank eye! I reek of false humility! Lester, wait.
I'll buy two bottles of that cologne.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
You mean it? - Yes.
You buy three you get a folding umbrella.
I don't need three.
Lester, you've gotta come home.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
All right, I'll buy three.
But, Lester, how did you do it? I mean, I saw you drive over that cliff.
You saw what looked like me appear to drive over what seemed like a cliff.
Actually, it was a cliff.
That was probably confusing.
Here, let me explain.
LESTER: As the truck headed toward the cliff I deftly maneuvered the door lock mechanism into its unlock mode.
Then I wrapped my fingers around the door release lever and applied pressure causing the door to swing free on its hinges.
With no time to spare I sent an electrical impulse from my brain to my leg muscles instructing them to extend quickly and forcefully thus propelling my body out of the vehicle.
- So you jumped out of the truck.
- Yup.
And you faked your death.
But why? [SIGHS.]
Haven't you ever felt like the world would be better off without you? [SINGING.]
My name is Glenn Quagmire And I say "giggety" Giggety, giggety Giggety, giggety, giggety No.
The world needs me.
LESTER: Well, here it is.
Check it out, Cleveland.
Futon, not too bad.
Mini-fridge, not too bad.
My roommate, Dean Cain, bad.
Your wife needs you, and I need you to get her out of my house.
She's turned the place into Jabba's Palace.
[KENDRA GRUNTING.]
[RALLO LAUGHING.]
That was the whole joke? Oh, I sat in the damn makeup chair for seven hours for this.
Look, I've been with Kendra since my sophomore year in high school when she was my guidance counselor.
She guided me to drop out of school and shack up with her.
She was a horrible guidance counselor.
My point is I've never had a chance to live on my own without Kendra.
And I found out it's great.
I can do whatever I want.
Don't you get it? When I died, I finally felt alive.
And I'm never going back.
Well, I guess the Lester I knew is dead.
Goodbye, Cleveland.
You better get out of here before Dean Cain gets home.
He is a horrible human being.
[SNORING.]
Kids, good news.
Bomb threat at the school.
Mama's home early.
[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Sweet pearls and Jheri curls! - Here's your cut, big man.
- Oh, boy.
Thanks, Mr.
Rallo.
Mama.
Aah! Rallo, why are all these men in my kitchen? Ah! Are they smoking my cigars? Miss Donna, you need to relax.
Have a seat, honey.
My chair is a no-stress zone.
Uh-uh, Junior, nobody touches my hair.
Not even me.
Shh, shh, shh.
We all know it's a wig.
Now, let's see what we can do with what God gave you.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Come on Well, what do you think? - Ooh, I look like Beyoncé.
- Well [KENDRA GRUNTING.]
Kiki, this is very hard.
I have no idea how to tell you that Lester's alive.
- But what I wanna say is - Lester's alive? Oh, see, she already knows.
And here I am walking on eggshells.
And bacon and garlic toast and chili cheese fries.
- And what's that green thing? - Piece of lettuce I picked off a burger.
Mama, look at all these women.
You've ruined my barbershop.
Just like that Beauty Shop movie ruined the Barbershop franchise.
Again, Rallo, just because we're black that doesn't mean we have to pretend Barbershop was a good movie.
Aw, heck with this.
I'm going back to Vinnie's.
You most certainly are not, young man.
Oh, I'm not? You realize Junior answers to me.
If I say the word, you go back to looking like James Brown.
Hit me Fine, go.
Look who's back, you old buzzards.
- I'm sorry.
Our memories are not what - It's Rallo.
- Rallo.
MEN: Hey, Rallo.
[MEN COUGHING.]
Hey, Rallo.
Here's a 20.
Run down to the liquor store and pick us up a bottle of gin a bottle of Scotch and a box of matches so you got something to play with while we get drunk and take naps.
All right.
Hmm.
I'm gonna try something.
Look who's back, you old buzzards.
- I'm sorry, our memories are not what - It's Rallo.
- Rallo.
MAN: Hey, Rallo.
[MEN COUGHING.]
Give me 20 bucks.
I'll run down to the liquor store and pick up a bottle of gin and bottle of Scotch.
Good idea.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Hey, Cleveland.
I'm glad you came back.
I forgot to show you something.
Just got this.
They call it a shower curtain.
I reckon it's so when you pee, it don't spray all over the floor.
Lester, listen.
There's someone who wants to talk to you.
[WORKERS GRUNTING.]
- Kendra.
- Lester Krinklesac, you pack your stuff and you get your skinny behind back to our home right now.
I'm tired of you telling me what to do.
I'm in charge here.
I have my freedom.
I have my self-respect.
And I have a jar of mayonnaise without finger marks inside it.
- Mayonnaise is a finger food.
WORKER 1: Talk faster! You know why I took that money, Kendra? I thought that if this beer truck worked I'd have finally done something you're proud of.
And you'd start respecting me.
You're right.
I don't respect you like I should but I'm gonna start trying really hard.
[WORKERS GRUNTING.]
WORKER 1: Together! I'm sorry, Lester.
I love you.
I'll do whatever it takes to get you to come back and stay on Cleveland's couch with me for the next few months.
[GROANS.]
Oh, Lester.
WORKER 1: Don't do that! WORKER 2: We're losing her.
[SCREAMS.]
[THUD.]
- Kendra! KENDRA: I'm okay.
But both my legs is broken.
And I crushed Dean Cain.
No one will miss him.
And we'll sue the movers.
Ha, ha! We're back in business.
Cleveland, we're going home.
Hooray, everything worked out for everybody! Hey, look.
Them fins remind me of that movie.
[SINGING OMINOUS TUNE.]