The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e17 Episode Script

[instrumental music]
This is insane.
I've never seen
this much traffic.
This new parking garage
is a nightmare.
How could our store put
an employee crosswalk
right next to the
freeway off ramp.
It's a death trap.
It's gettin' worse and worse.
It that a new cross planted
over there in the median?
Oh, no. It's just what's left of
the pedestrian crossing sign.
So who feels lucky today?
I like breakfast. I'll go.
Be careful.
(all)
Go, go, go!
Come back, come back,
come back!
[screaming]
[horn blaring]
You saw how fast that food
mobile was goin'?
Who was driving
that thing, Evelyn Wood?
Alright.
- I'll take point.
- No..
- No!
- Hey!
My yoga master said
face your fear.
There are no cars here.
There are just many
opportunities for one object
to pass safely
through many other objects.
Shh.
I'm the wind.
I'm brother to the puma.
Oh, yeah? Well, my friend,
Mr. Jackson says
"Chuck's gonna be
eatin' bugs off a girl
before he hits a double light."
Any takers?
Don't listen to her, Chuck.
You can do it.
I'm in complete control.
I'm walking
through an open prairie.
(all chanting)
Go, go, go!
(all)
Come back, come back, come back!
They're messing
with my mind, man!
When you're dodgin' a pickup,
yoga don't mean jack.
Yeah..
I can't afford
to get docked again.
I'm goin' for it.
Happy sunny good morning,
everyone.
Hey, Faith.
You're the optimist.
When Larry gets hit,
do you think
he'd be half dead or half alive?
Aww, don't let 'em
scare you, Larry.
You'll make it
'cause you're a good person.
And good things
happen to good people.
Sheesh, I'm gonna cross,
just to get away from you.
[screaming]
- Go!
- Go!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
He's flippin' off.
He's too cocky!
He's too cocky!
You'll never make it!
Damn, you beautiful bastard!
Now there's a puma, Chuck.
He made it!
He's on the other side!
[cheering]
- Well, I guess it's my turn.
- No, Faith.
At least wait a few minutes
till rush hour is over.
You're wearing a teddy
bear backpack.
- Everyone's gonna wanna hit ya.
- No, can't do.
I open the daycare center
promptly at 9:00.
The children are waiting for me.
And don't worry, my smile
will be my crossing guard.
Have a nice day.
Well, you know, she's an expert
so maybe with a little luck--
[thud]
[all gasps]
[theme song]
Up every morning ♪
Hey ♪
Just to keep a job ♪
Hey ♪
I gotta fight my way ♪
Hey ♪
Through the hustling mob ♪
Hey ♪
Sounds of the city ♪
Hey ♪
Pounding in my brain ♪
Hey ♪
While another day ♪
Hey ♪
Goes down the drain ♪
Yeah yeah yeah ♪
But it's a 5 o'clock world
when the whistle blows ♪
No one owns
a piece of my time ♪
And there's a 5 o'clock me
inside my clothes ♪
Thinking that the world
looks fine yeah ♪
Hey ♪
Holiday ♪
Hey ♪
Ee-e-e yeah ♪
Hey ♪
Hey ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, Larry. We're sendin'
this get well card
to Faith in the hospital,
you haven't signed it.
Uh, I started to sign it
then my pen ran out of interest.
- I think you should sign it.
- And I live to please you.
Hey, Mimi, checkin'
your mornin' traps?
Stay.
Now, bite me, jackass!
Hey, I didn't pick you to
replace Faith
at the daycare center.
The kids did.
They all said, "We want bozo."
Now you better find somebody
to replace me pretty quick!
Thank you, Scary Poppins.
Hey, kids, remember
that cute little pig "Babe?"
(kids)
Yes.
He ate him!
[gasping]
Ha!
[Nigel laughing]
(Nigel)
Heh!
Richardson, I need you.
Richardson,
this is a strange request
but would you mind blowing up
a balloon for me?
I'm celebrating something.
I wouldn't send you
out there empty handed.
Here's my letter
of recommendation.
Uh, sir,
did you get my memo?
Uh,yes,I did.
It's an important matter,
it requires action.
Your participation
is appreciated.
You didn't read it.
You have no idea
what I'm talkin' about.
Not a clue.
Sir, this isn't
like my memo requesting
a moment of silent prayer
before lunch.
You just wanted a head start.
Okay, but this is serious, look.
I called a meeting
with all the employees
and they elected me
to solve the crosswalk problem.
[clears throat]
Lives are at stake
and we're not backin' down
until Winfred-Louder
builds a skywalk from the
parking garage to the building.
Hmmno.
Well, will you
at least think about it?
Hmmno.
Look, you can't
ignore this, sir.
Maybe the hmm
is throwing you off. No!
Look, Mr. Wick, I hired
these people as workers
not speed bumps.
A skywalk just isn't
cost effective, Carey.
Believe me, I don't like
to put a prize on human life
but confidentially, huh, we did.
It's about $75 per person,
80 for management.
See you later, 80 bucks.
We're not gonna be
pushed around, you know?
Th-this isn't the last
you've heard about this.
[door closes]
Guess I told his back.
Well, did we get the skywalk?
Hey, look,
it's "The Mod Squad."
Had Kate been a blonde,
Larry had hair
and my forehead had been a bit
bigger, that might have worked.
But right now, you're duckin'
and that's just not groovy, man.
- Mm-hmm.
- Not groovy at all.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Drew, look.
They're handin' out free samples
in the children's department.
Actually they're runaways
from the daycare center.
We found 'em jumping
on the mattresses.
- They told us to get down.
- Hmm.
Oh, man, Mimi.
Don't worry, little buddy
I'll get you
back to the daycare center.
[grunting]
Hey!
- Probably smell of the donuts.
- There you two are.
I thought maybe you
defected to the red team.
Wait a second, are you
actually playing with them?
Yeah.
But I'm not enjoyin' it.
Take this!
[laughing]
Look, Mimi, you can't have
these kids runnin' wild
all over the store.
Oh, yeah?
- Big butt says what?
- What?
[laughing]
Relax. Relax.
I put anti-theft tags
on all of 'em. See?
Nobody's gettin' outta the store
without settin' off an alarm
unless boogerhead says what?
What?
[laughing]
What? What? What?
Nothin, nothing,
this is too easy.
- 'Mimi meter.'
- Yeah?
(kid #1)
'We've got a red alert
in beddin'.'
Okay, hold down the fort.
Alright. Come on, you guys.
Red team, re-took mattresses.
Let's go wet some beds. Go!
[laughing]
- Kids today have it good, huh?
- They sure do.
Our daycare was a junkyard
and we felt lucky
to have it.
Yeah, what can you learn
from a daycare teacher
that you can't learn
from an eight-fingered hobo.
Well, to count to ten.
I still love
old Willy anyway.
High four me. Yeah.
Carey. I got your bids
for the skywalk.
I think there's one
that might actually fly.
Wow! Really, sir?
No, guess not.
How can you ignore these bids?
It's the cheapest
construction companies in town.
"We'll Work For Food" company.
"Two Guys With a Hammer."
And "Building Code
Building Shmode Incorporated."
I told you before,
it's not in the budget.
Alright.
I didn't wanna do this but now
I have no choice.
Attention, all employees.
Operation Slowdown
is now in effect.
This..
will be..
harder than
I thought.
Call it off, Carey, or I'll fire
one employee every minute.
You're bluffin'.
Tryme.
Okay, sorry, everybody.
Back to normal speed.
Now let's have some fun.
Double speed.
Nice one, Norma Rae.
[horn blaring]
[screaming]
You remember traffic being
this bad on the way in?
No, but if we crossed it once,
we can cross it again.
- Yeah.
- You ready?
Okay.
Hey, hey, hey!
Watch it!
Oh, that's nice, grandma.
Use that finger to dial
your grandkids once.
- Well, she saw you hesitate.
- Really?
Yes, it's all in the look,
you can't look uncertain.
Look, this is you.
"Oh, oh, I'm so uncertain
kill me if you must."
- Okay.
- Yeah.
This is the way
you should look.
You look like
a Sears catalogue model.
That's right,
and have you ever seen one
lying dead in the street?
- No.
- Ah!
That's because they have
the lookof confidence.
Hey, where's
that confident look?
On that trucker's face!
[screaming]
(all chanting)
Go, go, go!
Hey, what's goin' on?
There's couple of morons dodging
traffic in the death alley.
Lewis, Oswald! Oh, my God!
[tires screeching]
[all gasp]
Oh, no.
Oh, somebody dial 911!
Uh, I'm gonna go reposition 'em.
I don't want people to think
that we're doing that
when they got hit.
[instrumental music]
Oswald?
No.
- Oswald?
- No.
Oswald?
Okay.
Hey, let's say we need
something for the pain again
'cause for the first time ever,
I understand Cathy.
She thinks she's fat.
[laughing]
You think you guys
need more painkillers?
I don't know.
Let me check.
- Not yet.
- Oh.
- Hey!
- Hi, Faith.
Faith!
Save it for someone with
depth perception.
Hey, what happened to our
cheery little optimist?
Screw the optimist. They can
kiss my road-rashed ass.
Do you need some help
getting back to your room?
Thanks, we can go back
and listen to my roommate
work on that ball of phlegm
in her throat for another hour.
So is this the, uh, room
that needs some cheerin' up?
[indistinct chatter]
I'm Archibald Fenn,
this is my partner Geller.
We are attorneys
at Winfred-Louder.
We're just here to
settle that whole thing
so you don't drag
our butts into court.
- Hey, what about me?
- Gellar..
Hey, those are my flowers!
So, uhthey treatin'
you boys okay?
They shaved us.
Everywhere.
Gellar, don't.
'So, if you want a big fat'
settlement check,
all you gotta do
is sign right there.
[flatline]
What's wrong with him?
Oh, he stopped his heart again.
Always the show off.
"Look at me. I'm dead."
Clear.
Okay, Geller, now make
yourself useful
and go, uh, find me a pen.
Hey, guys.
What are you doin' here?
Hey, we're gonna
be on "Love Connection."
- Yeah.
- Don't sign anything from them.
I should've known Winfred-Louder
would send in their weasels.
Oh, stereotypes are so hurtful.
Attorney is bad,
attorney is evil.
If stereotypes were
true, Mr. Carey
I'd probably have to figure,
you'd be quite jolly.
I refer you to the case
of Rubber versus Glue.
Wait a minute.
This isn't a settlement.
It's a waiver.
It says here
that you waive your right
to sue Winfred-Louder
and in exchange
you get 10 percent off
everything you buy on Labor Day.
We didn'thave
to give the discount.
It's notourfault,
they were hit in the street.
Get outta here.
And tell Mr. Wick, he's not
through with Drew Carey.
[laughing]
What's one little man gonna
do to bring a big company
like Winfred-Louder
to its knees?
Well, I was thinking about
that on the way over here
and I'm gonna do the one thing
that no one would ever expect.
I'm goin' on a hunger strike.
That will only bring
the farm industry to its knees.
[screaming]
Whoa.
Come on, let's get
to the parking lot.
We'll tell 'em you fell.
Hey, Drew, I just had
the weirdest dream.
You were goin'
on a hunger strike.
[laughing]
I am goin' on a hunger strike.
Hey, Drew, I just had
the weirdest dream.
You were goin' on
a hunger strike.
I am goin' on
a hunger strike.
Ha.
Hey, Drew..
[instrumental music]
[screaming]
Hey!
Oh-oh, look at you.
Five days without food
and you're wastin' away.
First, I'd like to thank you.
Your outfit has really helped
me with my hunger strike.
Second, we found somebody else
to run the day care center.
So you can go back
to your regular job.
What?
- No!
- We don't want you to go!
[indistinct chatter]
Come on. Come on, come on.
Don't get all mushy on me.
Warriors don't cry.
I showed you guys "Platoon."
Alright, well,
girls, remember..
you're never too young
for a healthy coat of mascara.
Boys, you pick it,
you flick it.
Alright, now, go on,
get outta here.
All of you. No whining.
Wait!
One last raid on
the vending machine
I can use your
little hands, let's go!
[screaming]
So..
this is what
a hunger strike looks like.
Oh, for God's sake,
you could at least
suck in your gut
as I walk by.
Laugh if you
want to, sir.
But my bodily reserves
are quickly being depleted.
Actual weight loss
is right around the corner.
Yes, but on the way to that
corner is a Taco Bell.
Oh yeah? Feel this, buddy.
That's a rib.
I've never felt one
of those since I was 12!
You let this hunger strike
continue much longer
and this story is gonna
be all over the news.
Oh, really, Carey?
Oh, hello, what's this?
Oh, it's a chocolate bar.
Oh, damn, it's all melty.
Melty chocolate's
always so messy.
Mmm. Messy.
Melty!
Messy.
M-m-melty.
And this little piggy,
is messiest of all.
Oops, Carey.
Look, I think I got a bit
of rich, thick chocolate
on the end of your nose.
Now, if you'll realize it, sir,
but your arm is in danger
right up to your elbow.
But I'm not giving in.
Yeah. What am I worried about?
You'll never lose enough
weight to evoke sympathy.
Hey, Gandhi did it.
Yes, but what you're forgetting
is, Gandhi started out thin.
You can't ignore this.
All the employees are behind me.
What the hell is going on here,
Carey? You're gaining weight?
Hey, I'm not eatin'.
I don't know what's goin' on.
Hey, maybe I really
am big-boned.
Look, Drew, we all appreciate
what you're trying to do here.
But I can't wait for you
to lose weight.
I'm retiring in 20 years.
Oh, what you want me to do, call
the reporters looking like this?
I'll be one of those stupid
human interest stories.
"On the lighter side, this man
thinks he's on a hunger strike."
Well, you should know that
people are starting to lose
confidence in you, Drew.
And their talkin' walk out.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Hey, hey, hey.
I'm ashamed of you people.
This man has given up
the thing he loves
most in the world for you!
Are you sure, you're not
eating in your sleep?
Look at you!
Okay, listen up, everybody.
You can't walk out,
people will lose jobs.
'This hunger strike
is gonna work.'
One more week and I willbe
that emaciated,
pathetic skeleton that's gonna
shame Winfred-Louder into
building that skywalk.
Once it starts to come off,
the weight's
gonna melt off me like butter.
And believe me,
most of itisbutter.
[instrumental music]
How's Drew?
Well, he's about as
comfortable as can be expected.
I just put a blanket over him.
Man, I can't believe,
they took your cast off
after only two weeks.
Actually, I took it off myself.
The itching was
driving me crazy
so last night about
3 o'clock, I just took
a butcher knife and just hacked
the whole damn thing.
You think that was
such a good idea?
It was the first 20 minutes
of scratching.
Now, I'm not so sure
it's healing right.
[knock on door]
I'll get it.
[screaming]
Hey, it's getting better.
[screaming]
[screaming]
Alright, we're here.
Where's Carey?
And he better not
be wasting my time.
Believe me he's not.
He hasn't eaten
a thing in over two weeks.
He's fading away.
Oh, yeah, so is the sun,
but I bet itgets therefirst.
"As you got to your final
reward, embrace the light.
Embrace it, I say."
- Drew, Drew.
- Yeah.
Visitors.
Oh, Mr. Wick.
Oh, my Lord.
Where's your fat?
(Mimi)
'It's a trick.'
- Let's see who's under here?
- I'm naked.
It's him.
Oswald, my feet
are kinda cold.
Can you put
on my slippers please?
Oh, sure, buddy. Sure.
Hold on. Just a second.
Good God! You've got
little girl legs.
That's right.
Pretty soon everyone
in Cleveland
will see these little girl legs
'cause I'm going straight
to the papers.
You know, what's ironic?
I'm skinnier than I have ever
been in my life and..
it's too cold
to have a pool party.
Wait a minute, how come
your head's still so fat?
Well, everyone knows that head
fat is the hardest to lose.
Come here.
Something fishy going on.
What do you make of it?
It's gotta be a trick.
It could be somebody
else under there.
Alright. I'm gonna check.
Uh.. Oh, I'm sorry, Drew.
I'm sorry, eyes.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Alright, alright, I didn't
think you'd take it this far.
I'm not a beast.
I have feelings.
You'll get your skywalk.
[cheering]
I have to get out of here.
Your skinny body and big fat
head are making me feel
all creepy.
[door opens]
Never thought I'd say this,
but I wanna thank you, Mimi.
And Bob here wants to thank you.
[laughing]
Hey, how did you get that
guy to do this anyway?
I'm not gonna risk losing
our best customer.
Drew's put six of us
through community college.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]