The Great North (2021) s02e17 Episode Script
Dead Moon Walking Adventure
1
- Look up there ♪
- What do you see? ♪
Nature and stuff ♪
- Like a rock ♪
- And a tree ♪
Oh, the Great North ♪
Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
Catch some fish ♪
Or gaze at a bear ♪
Wow ♪
Oh, the Great North ♪
Here we live, oh, oh ♪
Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
From longest night
to longest day ♪
In the Great North.
♪♪ Welcome aboard the Death Moose Caboose.
Now departing for a traditional weekend "Log and Hog.
" First stop, the Log Museum, followed by gorging all-we-can-gorge at the Gluttony Gulch Buffet.
Now, why do they call the area we're going to Death Moose? Are there dead moose everywhere? Wait, am I saying that right? Is "moose" plural? Mooses seems very wrong.
Mooses.
Mooses.
Mooses.
It's only named that because it's exactly halfway between Death Cliff and Lone Moose.
It's a small strip of basically abandoned roadside shops set back and hidden by trees.
And if you didn't already know it was there, you would never find it.
That's why it's so perfect because we usually get Gluttony Gulch Buffet all to ourselves.
That way no one has to witness how gross we all are at buffets, because we are monsters.
- I'm gonna make myself so sick.
- Well, you won't get any judgment from me about your buffet style.
I know my way around a smorgasbord.
Look, look, look, look, look, look, look.
I lined my purse with tinfoil for leftovers.
I'm gonna fill this thing up with lasagna and up here, crab rangoon.
Before we fill our mouth holes with buffet foods, let's fill our brain holes with log knowledge.
Oop.
Here we go.
Hello, logs.
Aw.
He's asleep.
Oh, sorry.
Hope I wasn't sawing logs.
I could accidentally ruin the museum.
Oh, good, log jokes.
Maybe I'll wait in the car.
Well, and what do we have here? It's the Tobin twigs and berries.
- Hi.
- T-That's not what that means.
And, Horton, may I introduce Honeybee.
- She's - my wife.
Ugh, babe, what did we say? Sorry, to make sure I also say - She's nice.
- There it is.
All right, we are ready for some hardcore log museum-ing, right, gang? - Oh, they-they walked away.
- Well, museum's all yours.
Oh, and, Beef, make sure you really savor today's visit.
- Okay? - I always do.
Let's get a closer look-see at this baby log-see.
Oh, this twig's got me under her spell.
Uh-oh, I feel a twig jig coming on.
Clear the dance floor, I'm gonna do my twig jig.
Oh.
Nobody's looking at me.
- I-I'm not gonna do it.
- Whee! All of the thrills, none of the moisture.
These are fun, - but is ChewBarka missing an eye? - Yeah.
He used to have two, but now I pretend he's winking.
- Oh, wow, very - Don't worry, Honeybee, you don't have to pretend to be interested in the logs.
We're really just here for these.
Technically, each patron is only allowed one chocolate-covered pretzel log per visit, but if Mr.
Horton doesn't see you eat them That dude just keeps refilling the jar.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm in.
These things are my whole life now.
Sorry the kids always eat all your chocolate logs, Horton, and sorry they're not better at hiding it.
Ah, you know me, Beef, I'm a pushover.
Hard for me to say no to anyone who loves my museum.
What's not to enjoy? I mean, come on, look at this.
So many of the wood world's brightest stars, including the pièce de résistance, Cocobolo, the single most stunning log in the world.
It's like Mother Earth made the oceans and the land and then thought, "You know what? I'm gonna make something just for me," and then someone chopped it up and brought it right here for us to see with our unworthy eyes.
I know how you feel about the logs, Beef, and that's why it's so hard for me to tell you that, well, I have to close the museum.
You shut your filthy log hole! Oh, sorry.
Are you joking? Nope.
My 50-year ground lease is up, and the owner sold the literal ground out from under me.
This is our last week, Beef.
I'm sorry.
I know how much this place means to you.
Horton, no, I'm not ready to log off yet.
I didn't mean to be playful like that.
I'm actually very upset.
Look at him over there, Honeybee.
He's absolutely crushed about the ding darn museum.
Only getting soup at a buffet? - It's the saddest thing I can think of.
- They don't even serve soup.
That's just orange juice in a bowl.
I don't know what to do.
I mean, he freaking loves the Log Museum.
Honestly, I'm not sure if he'll be able to recover from losing it.
I mean, losing Mom was one thing, but logs? Um, Wolf, what, uh, what're you doing there? - This is how I make salad.
- Sweet baby cheeses, you really are disgusting buffet people.
Dad used to make me wear buffet coveralls, so I have improved a little bit.
Now, I got to add some crunch.
Okay, strawberry soft serve, macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets, ketchup, now to stir them all together and Uh-oh, Debbie's here.
My friend who is also my bully.
Should I say hi? Or just walk away very Oh, no, she saw me.
Oh, no, I saw her playing with a doll.
- Moon, what did you do? - I saw Debbie playing with a doll.
Oh, God, and what's a pee punch? Oh, she's been developing that for years.
It's when she punches you in the bladder and you pee yourself.
Well, I'm sad it's happening, but also glad that she hasn't developed the poop punch.
Oh, yeah, you should be, 'cause she told me she's close.
Shall we retire to our conference room, gentlemen, and figure out how to get Moon into the pee punch protection program? Okay, so this is very, very bad.
There's no way she's gonna back down.
We all know what Debbie's like when she gets embarrassed.
Remember when her mom bought her that Princess Pony lunchbox, and she filed for emancipation? Or the time she tripped in the school entryway and had the whole school's office staff arrested on bogus drug charges.
We've always known this is the game we were playing with her.
She's already so embarrassed just to have friends.
Maybe you should tell Judy and Ham.
- They could protect you.
They're big.
- No way.
I'm not gonna tattletale.
Moon's right.
He can't tell anyone.
I've seen this kind of thing before, and it's only going to get worse the more people he tells.
Yeah, it's bad enough that you both know.
We absolutely cannot tell anyone else.
Everyone loves money.
Maybe you can just pay her off.
I like it.
Empty your pockets and backpacks, gentlemen.
Okay, looks like we have ten dollars, 12 cents, and a 30% off coupon for Fudgey Town with a nice drawing of Fudgey the Snail.
I'm not allowed to go there anymore.
I ate some turned fudge once and then diarrhea-ed so profoundly that they actually studied me at the Anchorage Medical Center.
- I'm in a textbook.
- Pretty sure this'll change her mind.
Moon, you have to practice what you're going to say.
Just don't remind her of the D-O-L-L.
Keep it short and sweet, 'kay? Like when I text my mom's boyfriend, Jamie, the smiley face emoji with the sunglasses.
It's just one cool guy saying, "Hey, you're a cool guy," to another cool guy.
Well, hello, Professor John Nash from A Beautiful Mind.
You look rad as hell with that calculator.
I'm trying to figure out how to save the Log Museum.
I started by looking into how much it would cost to move the whole building on one of those trucks.
We could do it if we don't use hot water for ever, and also sell the hot water heater and the van and all of our furniture - and the house.
So - Dad, I know how much you love the Log Museum, but sometimes love just isn't enough.
Mm-hmm.
He's right, Beef.
My neighbor Denise in Fresno loved her boss so much she ended up getting fired and herpes.
You just need to let it go.
Hey, what do you say we take one more trip over to Death Moose to say goodbye? - I'd like that.
- Me, too.
My esophagus is just a little chocolate log flume now.
Hello, Debbie.
What do you want, Elbow Face? Perhaps in exchange for not beating me up, I could offer you these ten dollars and this 12 cents.
Would you like to accept my proposal? And, um, just to be clear, well, you know, I definitely didn't see anything you were doing with dolls - at Gluttony Gulch in Death Moose.
- No, no, no, no.
It didn't even look that much like you.
I mean, maybe you have a long lost twin you've never met.
- Did you ever go to summer camp? - Oh, thanks for the money.
Now I'll be even richer when I pee punch you.
Why did you keep talking? We went over this.
I know, I know, I know, but she didn't say anything, and I got nervous and I just kept talking.
When I get nervous, my whole body smells like feet, but not my feet, which is the weird part.
There still has to be a logical way out of this.
- Let's brainstorm.
- Okay.
Maybe we hmm, I don't know, paint your face green, bury you up to your neck in my mom's garden, and pretend you're a head of lettuce? Uh-huh, that's a good start.
I don't mind dirt.
Maybe you can get a bigger bully to scare her off.
There are no bigger bullies.
She's the tip-top of the bully food chain.
She's above high schoolers.
She's above Gargamel.
Oh, I know.
We can go to Jamie's boxing gym and Oh, shoot.
I just remembered, Jamie's in Salt Lake City for the Toot-A-Loo Flute Festival.
He said maybe next year me and my mom and my brother could go with him, and I could be his flute caddie.
- Can you imagine? - Levon! Stop pretending those dodgeballs are your butt cheeks.
Am I gonna have to send you to the principal's office again? Oh, Robbie! Stop slow dancing with the climbing rope.
It's beautiful, but it's not on the curriculum.
- Huh.
- What? Coach Kiely was mad at Levon, but then Robbie did something bad I see what you're getting at.
We just need to shift Debbie's anger for you onto someone else.
Yup.
Then she'll be more mad at them, and she'll forget about how mad she is at me.
- Bravo.
It's genius.
- You guys want to see my flute caddie walk? Hello, Horton.
I won't be long.
- I just wanted to say goodbye.
- Course, Beef.
I understand.
And, Beef, no rules today.
If you want to touch the cocobolo log, I'll turn the other way.
Do you want me to put on white gloves first? I keep some in the car in case this day ever came.
No, Beef, not necessary.
Hello, handsome.
Oh, sweet Suddenly Susan, it's so smooth, naturally oily to the touch, which of course is common for the tropical hardwoods of Central America.
The grain it's perfect.
Logs.
Of course.
You knew how to save yourselves all along! Honeybee, Wolf, Horton, come here! Look, the stone blocks for the pyramids were too heavy to move by hand, so they rolled them on logs.
We can't keep the museum on the land it currently rests on, but we can save the museum itself - by moving it to our property.
- Aw, well - Uh - It can stay rent-free and remain open for everyone.
And I can visit Coco whenever I want.
Do you hear that, Coco? You're safe now.
Beef, I'm not really sure that's a I know it seems complicated, but I'll figure the whole thing out.
We'll do it exactly like they did back then.
Sick plan, Dad.
Count us in.
And, Horton, you keep those chocolate logs coming.
We're gonna need our strength.
Okay, guys, every time Ms.
McNamara supervises lunch, she walks the cafeteria eating her raspberry and cottage cheese mix-'em-up cup.
At exactly the right moment, I'm going to trip her, in a very safe, but very effective way, so that she spills her raspberry cottage cheese all over Debbie.
That way, Debbie's anger for me will move over to Ms.
McNamara, but lucky for her, she's an adult and can't be beaten up.
And then my problem is solved.
- Okay, but what if you miss? - I won't miss, Henry.
This isn't my first staged tripping.
Go time.
- Ah! - Oh, my God.
You are dead.
Debbie.
Oh, no.
Oh, I am so, so, so sorry, Debbie.
I don't know what happened.
An apple rolled under my foot somehow, and Oh, here.
Oh, my gosh, let me just clean you up.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Ms.
McNamara, don't worry at all.
Everyone makes mistakes.
Maybe, if you could be so kind, you could get me some paper towels - from the janitor's closet? - Oh, yes.
Thank you.
Thank you, Debbie.
Of course.
Everyone out of my way.
- Debbie needs paper towels.
- Hi, Moon.
Interesting tactic.
Get me mad at someone else, so I'll forget about you.
I respect it, but it didn't work.
Oh, and just a quick update on what's up with me, my research on the poop punch has finally paid off.
Okay, new idea, we slather you in Vaseline, so you're too slippery to fight, and if she still keeps coming after you, then we just slide you right into the ocean.
Oh, Moon, great.
You're just in time.
We're about to begin.
Come on, grab a seat.
Sorry, Dad, no time for sitting.
I've got a prob ject, school probject I need to work on tonight.
Say no more.
From one projecteur to another, I wish you luck.
- You two know about this probject? - Yeah, we know about it.
We're currently monitoring it from afar.
Listen, when another girl threatens to punch your little brother, it's best to let him try to work it out before getting involved.
Especially when you yourself are afraid of said girl.
- Debbie? - Debbie.
Understood.
Now, let's get down to brass logs.
I have created a foolproof plan of how to move the Log Museum here to our property, where it will be conveniently located near the family cemetery.
I want our ancestors' spirits to be able to enjoy the logs.
Okay, but if I see any ghostly Tobins near my chocolate pretzels, I will kill them again.
Now, first things first.
Junkyard Kyle has kindly agreed to raise the museum structure and put it on cinder blocks in exchange for a gallon of vape juice, two old coffee makers, and Wolf's half-shirt that says, "Who Farted?" Oh, I'm gonna miss that shirt, but I got a tank top that says "Fart Loading" ready to take its place.
And then, we'll attach the tether apparatus around the museum and to the back of the family van.
I'll pull the museum forward, and as it passes over each log in the rear, you guys will lift said log and move it to the front of the other log.
And, of course, this must all be done in the dead of night when there won't be any cars on the roads.
Now, I'm usually not one to be tooting horns, but, uh, a-tooty-too-toot, this plan is perfection.
What else can we roll over here? Can we get a Dave & Busters on the premises? - Oh, boy.
- Hey, Moon, um So I may have inadvertently fixed your Debbie problem.
- Really? How? - Well, you know how I do my weekly check-ins with Principal Gibbons because I'm head of the Junior Janitors? - Yeah.
- Well I may have been doing that weekly check-in and everything about Debbie may have kind of totally accidentally come spilling out.
You ratted? Will Moon Tobin and Debbie Van please come to the principal's office.
Would you be less mad if I told you he has Andes after-dinner mints on his desk this week? No? Okay, bye.
Now, Debbie, what is this I hear about you saying you're gonna beat up Moon on Friday? Oh, yeah, I did say that, but it's because I - have a crush on him.
- Oh.
Of course, yes.
Romantic feelings at your age - can be very confusing.
- Yeah.
Totally.
So sorry.
Moon, would you like to share anything? - Mm-mm.
- Well, feeling shy is also perfectly normal.
You guys can head back to class.
Thank you so much.
I've sure learned my lesson.
- And, Moon.
- Yeah? Take it easy on Debbie, okay? She's in new territory here.
Yup, I'll take it easy on Debbie.
Sure thing.
You listen to me, Pajanimal, you messed up big time trying to get me in trouble.
It wasn't me.
Russell told Principal Gibbons Well, your plan backfired because now I'm going to do a pee punch and a double poop punch.
So, first, you'll pee out the front.
Then you'll poop out the back.
- Then you'll poop out the front.
- That's not possible.
A pee pee.
A poo poo.
A poo poo.
All right, time to figure out how to sneak into the wheel well of a 747.
Hey, Moon, how's the, uh school project coming? Uh You know, son, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear that you've attempted to change your appearance and are now planning to go on the lam so that a certain frenemy doesn't punch you.
Great guess, but don't try to stop me.
- This is the only way now.
- Well, I'm sure you're right.
Do you have everything packed that you need? Yup, just need to burn off my fingerprints and eat my SIM card.
Wonderful.
Now, before you run away and live a life of adventure walking the highway and hustling pinball at truck stops, I wonder if you can just take one more look at your problem from a different angle.
You might find the answer is closer than you think.
Like, no one was threatening to beat me up this week, but my heart felt beat up about the Log Museum closing.
My problem was logs, and it turned out my solution was also logs.
Maybe your solution is right in front of you, and you just don't know it.
So, give it a think before you head out and never see us again, okay, bud? Hm My problem is Debbie.
Maybe my solution is also Debbie.
Dad, is it okay if I walk over to the Van's house? Sure, just take the emergency phone - and stay on the path.
- I carved that path.
I'm not gonna abandon it now.
Hello, Debbie's mom.
Hi, Moon.
I'm sorry, but Debbie isn't here right now.
She's at the ice rink Uh-oh, I know that face.
Is Debbie planning to beat you up? You could tell that just from my face? Ugh, she threatens to beat people up pretty often.
Just last week, her orthodontist showed up here looking just like you do right now.
- What'd you do? - I saw her with her doll - at Gluttony Gulch Buffet.
- Yikes.
Why is she so worried about me seeing her play with a doll? We all still play with toys at our age.
We don't talk about it, but we know it happens.
Well, it's a little bit my fault, maybe.
I mean, I shouldn't tell you this, but you look like the kind of small bear that can keep a secret.
- Is that right? - Yup.
I made Debbie repeat kindergarten.
You held Debbie back? Why? Well, she was just so tiny back then.
And the first time she did kindergarten, when we lived in Death Cliff, she got picked on all year.
So, when we moved to Lone Moose, I thought it'd be a good idea for her to repeat kindergarten, so she'd be a little bigger.
But guess what? - She hated it.
- That's right, Moon.
She wouldn't talk to me for months.
It wasn't until I bought her that doll that she started calling me Carissa again.
Then we worked our way back to Mom over the next few years, but the whole incident had some lasting effects.
She really hates being seen as little in any way.
I see.
So, she's not mean.
She's just hurt and kind of scared.
Come on, Moon, she's definitely mean.
But, yes, hurt and scared as well.
It's also the reason she wears those darn skates all the time, so she'll be taller and have weapons on her feet.
Thank you, Mrs.
Van.
I think I know what to do now.
No need to tell Debbie I was here.
Actually, it's probably better if you don't.
Sure thing, Moon Uh-oh.
That's gonna be her father dropping her off.
Run, Moon.
Cut through the backyard.
Jump the fence.
See, Horton, it's working.
The museum will be open for decades to come, and I can visit you and Coco every day.
That's nice, Beef.
That'll be real nice for you.
But Oh, no, it's gonna hit the van.
Oh, no it didn't hit the v oh, no, the rope's breaking.
Everyone get away from the museum! She's gonna break free.
- No! - Oh, no! We can save the museum.
Everyone, just grab some pieces.
We'll rebuild it and make it even better.
It'll be ten stories no, 20 stories tall, and visitors will - come from around the world - Beef.
Just let it die.
It's what I want.
The land lease didn't get sold out from under me.
- I let it expire.
- Why? I'm done, Beef.
The only people that come to the museum anymore are drifters that need to go number two, and there's this guy Rodney.
He always tries to put his mouth on a log, and when I stop him, he accuses me of doing 9/11.
I want to retire to Miami and get a girlfriend.
Maybe a boyfriend.
Wear a thong underwear bathing suit.
Feel the sun on my lower cheeks.
I understand, Horton.
Far be it from me to stop a man that has so honorably served the history of logs from living out his dream.
Everyone deserves a chance to show off their butt in their autumn years if they wish.
Now, let me help you.
We need to get Coco out of there, so he can go to his new home.
He belongs with you, Beef.
He always did.
You hear that, buddy? You're coming home with me.
Okay, Moon.
Time to pull up or shut up.
- You can't.
- Moon, are you sure? Yes.
Hey, Debbie.
Oh, my gosh.
Um, what the hell do you think you're doing? Why are you wearing a diaper? - And holding that stuffed sloth? - His name is Jeremy, and I'm publicly embarrassing myself to show you that it doesn't matter what people think about you.
So what if people think I'm a weirdo baby in a diaper? You're my friend, Debbie, and it's worth it to put myself out there to end this.
There's nothing wrong with still being little sometimes and wanting to play with a doll.
I got Jeremy when I was four, and I still hold him when I feel scared, like when I accidentally watched The Purge, and then when I watched all the sequels on purpose.
Personally, I think your doll is cool, and I would never pick on you for being small.
Oh, thank you so much.
That was such a great speech, Keith Bore-ison, but I have never even been embarrassed in my entire life.
And I don't own a doll.
And I'm not little, and I never have been.
When I came out of my mom's vagina, which was also very big, all the doctors in the hospital fainted - because I was so large and scary.
- Okay then, Debbie, proceed with the pee and poop and double poop punches, but just remember that, even after I've pooped out my front, I'll still be your friend.
Oh, my God.
Get out of here.
I can't beat up some little diaper boy because that would be embarrassing for me.
And like I said, Moon Tobin, I've never ever been embarrassed.
This is probably the most triumphant I'll ever feel while wearing a diaper in front of a bunch of people.
- At least, I hope so.
- All hail Moon Tobin.
- The Diaper King.
- Russell, no.
So, Moon, how'd your school probject turn out? Well, you were right, Dad.
The solution was right in front of me.
It was a large diaper and a stuffed sloth.
There you go.
I'm proud of you, and Coco's happy for you, too.
Hey, Dad, where are you gonna keep Coco? Oh, I meant to tell you.
I'm gonna need you and Honeybee to move to a motel downtown.
Coco needs his space.
Fair enough, Dad.
- We'll go get our things.
- Wolf, no.
It's the most important ♪ Job in the world ♪ Not a doctor, a pilot, a mommy or a daddy, no ♪ I'm talking about ♪ Being a flute caddie ♪ The pressure's on, your flautist ♪ Needs an alto, a standard C ♪ A piccolo, or a bass ♪ The first step's important, though ♪ Number one, open the case ♪ Slowly move it to the left, forward or right ♪ Your flautist will be waiting, lock eyes ♪ Don't lose sight.
♪
♪♪ Welcome aboard the Death Moose Caboose.
Now departing for a traditional weekend "Log and Hog.
" First stop, the Log Museum, followed by gorging all-we-can-gorge at the Gluttony Gulch Buffet.
Now, why do they call the area we're going to Death Moose? Are there dead moose everywhere? Wait, am I saying that right? Is "moose" plural? Mooses seems very wrong.
Mooses.
Mooses.
Mooses.
It's only named that because it's exactly halfway between Death Cliff and Lone Moose.
It's a small strip of basically abandoned roadside shops set back and hidden by trees.
And if you didn't already know it was there, you would never find it.
That's why it's so perfect because we usually get Gluttony Gulch Buffet all to ourselves.
That way no one has to witness how gross we all are at buffets, because we are monsters.
- I'm gonna make myself so sick.
- Well, you won't get any judgment from me about your buffet style.
I know my way around a smorgasbord.
Look, look, look, look, look, look, look.
I lined my purse with tinfoil for leftovers.
I'm gonna fill this thing up with lasagna and up here, crab rangoon.
Before we fill our mouth holes with buffet foods, let's fill our brain holes with log knowledge.
Oop.
Here we go.
Hello, logs.
Aw.
He's asleep.
Oh, sorry.
Hope I wasn't sawing logs.
I could accidentally ruin the museum.
Oh, good, log jokes.
Maybe I'll wait in the car.
Well, and what do we have here? It's the Tobin twigs and berries.
- Hi.
- T-That's not what that means.
And, Horton, may I introduce Honeybee.
- She's - my wife.
Ugh, babe, what did we say? Sorry, to make sure I also say - She's nice.
- There it is.
All right, we are ready for some hardcore log museum-ing, right, gang? - Oh, they-they walked away.
- Well, museum's all yours.
Oh, and, Beef, make sure you really savor today's visit.
- Okay? - I always do.
Let's get a closer look-see at this baby log-see.
Oh, this twig's got me under her spell.
Uh-oh, I feel a twig jig coming on.
Clear the dance floor, I'm gonna do my twig jig.
Oh.
Nobody's looking at me.
- I-I'm not gonna do it.
- Whee! All of the thrills, none of the moisture.
These are fun, - but is ChewBarka missing an eye? - Yeah.
He used to have two, but now I pretend he's winking.
- Oh, wow, very - Don't worry, Honeybee, you don't have to pretend to be interested in the logs.
We're really just here for these.
Technically, each patron is only allowed one chocolate-covered pretzel log per visit, but if Mr.
Horton doesn't see you eat them That dude just keeps refilling the jar.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm in.
These things are my whole life now.
Sorry the kids always eat all your chocolate logs, Horton, and sorry they're not better at hiding it.
Ah, you know me, Beef, I'm a pushover.
Hard for me to say no to anyone who loves my museum.
What's not to enjoy? I mean, come on, look at this.
So many of the wood world's brightest stars, including the pièce de résistance, Cocobolo, the single most stunning log in the world.
It's like Mother Earth made the oceans and the land and then thought, "You know what? I'm gonna make something just for me," and then someone chopped it up and brought it right here for us to see with our unworthy eyes.
I know how you feel about the logs, Beef, and that's why it's so hard for me to tell you that, well, I have to close the museum.
You shut your filthy log hole! Oh, sorry.
Are you joking? Nope.
My 50-year ground lease is up, and the owner sold the literal ground out from under me.
This is our last week, Beef.
I'm sorry.
I know how much this place means to you.
Horton, no, I'm not ready to log off yet.
I didn't mean to be playful like that.
I'm actually very upset.
Look at him over there, Honeybee.
He's absolutely crushed about the ding darn museum.
Only getting soup at a buffet? - It's the saddest thing I can think of.
- They don't even serve soup.
That's just orange juice in a bowl.
I don't know what to do.
I mean, he freaking loves the Log Museum.
Honestly, I'm not sure if he'll be able to recover from losing it.
I mean, losing Mom was one thing, but logs? Um, Wolf, what, uh, what're you doing there? - This is how I make salad.
- Sweet baby cheeses, you really are disgusting buffet people.
Dad used to make me wear buffet coveralls, so I have improved a little bit.
Now, I got to add some crunch.
Okay, strawberry soft serve, macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets, ketchup, now to stir them all together and Uh-oh, Debbie's here.
My friend who is also my bully.
Should I say hi? Or just walk away very Oh, no, she saw me.
Oh, no, I saw her playing with a doll.
- Moon, what did you do? - I saw Debbie playing with a doll.
Oh, God, and what's a pee punch? Oh, she's been developing that for years.
It's when she punches you in the bladder and you pee yourself.
Well, I'm sad it's happening, but also glad that she hasn't developed the poop punch.
Oh, yeah, you should be, 'cause she told me she's close.
Shall we retire to our conference room, gentlemen, and figure out how to get Moon into the pee punch protection program? Okay, so this is very, very bad.
There's no way she's gonna back down.
We all know what Debbie's like when she gets embarrassed.
Remember when her mom bought her that Princess Pony lunchbox, and she filed for emancipation? Or the time she tripped in the school entryway and had the whole school's office staff arrested on bogus drug charges.
We've always known this is the game we were playing with her.
She's already so embarrassed just to have friends.
Maybe you should tell Judy and Ham.
- They could protect you.
They're big.
- No way.
I'm not gonna tattletale.
Moon's right.
He can't tell anyone.
I've seen this kind of thing before, and it's only going to get worse the more people he tells.
Yeah, it's bad enough that you both know.
We absolutely cannot tell anyone else.
Everyone loves money.
Maybe you can just pay her off.
I like it.
Empty your pockets and backpacks, gentlemen.
Okay, looks like we have ten dollars, 12 cents, and a 30% off coupon for Fudgey Town with a nice drawing of Fudgey the Snail.
I'm not allowed to go there anymore.
I ate some turned fudge once and then diarrhea-ed so profoundly that they actually studied me at the Anchorage Medical Center.
- I'm in a textbook.
- Pretty sure this'll change her mind.
Moon, you have to practice what you're going to say.
Just don't remind her of the D-O-L-L.
Keep it short and sweet, 'kay? Like when I text my mom's boyfriend, Jamie, the smiley face emoji with the sunglasses.
It's just one cool guy saying, "Hey, you're a cool guy," to another cool guy.
Well, hello, Professor John Nash from A Beautiful Mind.
You look rad as hell with that calculator.
I'm trying to figure out how to save the Log Museum.
I started by looking into how much it would cost to move the whole building on one of those trucks.
We could do it if we don't use hot water for ever, and also sell the hot water heater and the van and all of our furniture - and the house.
So - Dad, I know how much you love the Log Museum, but sometimes love just isn't enough.
Mm-hmm.
He's right, Beef.
My neighbor Denise in Fresno loved her boss so much she ended up getting fired and herpes.
You just need to let it go.
Hey, what do you say we take one more trip over to Death Moose to say goodbye? - I'd like that.
- Me, too.
My esophagus is just a little chocolate log flume now.
Hello, Debbie.
What do you want, Elbow Face? Perhaps in exchange for not beating me up, I could offer you these ten dollars and this 12 cents.
Would you like to accept my proposal? And, um, just to be clear, well, you know, I definitely didn't see anything you were doing with dolls - at Gluttony Gulch in Death Moose.
- No, no, no, no.
It didn't even look that much like you.
I mean, maybe you have a long lost twin you've never met.
- Did you ever go to summer camp? - Oh, thanks for the money.
Now I'll be even richer when I pee punch you.
Why did you keep talking? We went over this.
I know, I know, I know, but she didn't say anything, and I got nervous and I just kept talking.
When I get nervous, my whole body smells like feet, but not my feet, which is the weird part.
There still has to be a logical way out of this.
- Let's brainstorm.
- Okay.
Maybe we hmm, I don't know, paint your face green, bury you up to your neck in my mom's garden, and pretend you're a head of lettuce? Uh-huh, that's a good start.
I don't mind dirt.
Maybe you can get a bigger bully to scare her off.
There are no bigger bullies.
She's the tip-top of the bully food chain.
She's above high schoolers.
She's above Gargamel.
Oh, I know.
We can go to Jamie's boxing gym and Oh, shoot.
I just remembered, Jamie's in Salt Lake City for the Toot-A-Loo Flute Festival.
He said maybe next year me and my mom and my brother could go with him, and I could be his flute caddie.
- Can you imagine? - Levon! Stop pretending those dodgeballs are your butt cheeks.
Am I gonna have to send you to the principal's office again? Oh, Robbie! Stop slow dancing with the climbing rope.
It's beautiful, but it's not on the curriculum.
- Huh.
- What? Coach Kiely was mad at Levon, but then Robbie did something bad I see what you're getting at.
We just need to shift Debbie's anger for you onto someone else.
Yup.
Then she'll be more mad at them, and she'll forget about how mad she is at me.
- Bravo.
It's genius.
- You guys want to see my flute caddie walk? Hello, Horton.
I won't be long.
- I just wanted to say goodbye.
- Course, Beef.
I understand.
And, Beef, no rules today.
If you want to touch the cocobolo log, I'll turn the other way.
Do you want me to put on white gloves first? I keep some in the car in case this day ever came.
No, Beef, not necessary.
Hello, handsome.
Oh, sweet Suddenly Susan, it's so smooth, naturally oily to the touch, which of course is common for the tropical hardwoods of Central America.
The grain it's perfect.
Logs.
Of course.
You knew how to save yourselves all along! Honeybee, Wolf, Horton, come here! Look, the stone blocks for the pyramids were too heavy to move by hand, so they rolled them on logs.
We can't keep the museum on the land it currently rests on, but we can save the museum itself - by moving it to our property.
- Aw, well - Uh - It can stay rent-free and remain open for everyone.
And I can visit Coco whenever I want.
Do you hear that, Coco? You're safe now.
Beef, I'm not really sure that's a I know it seems complicated, but I'll figure the whole thing out.
We'll do it exactly like they did back then.
Sick plan, Dad.
Count us in.
And, Horton, you keep those chocolate logs coming.
We're gonna need our strength.
Okay, guys, every time Ms.
McNamara supervises lunch, she walks the cafeteria eating her raspberry and cottage cheese mix-'em-up cup.
At exactly the right moment, I'm going to trip her, in a very safe, but very effective way, so that she spills her raspberry cottage cheese all over Debbie.
That way, Debbie's anger for me will move over to Ms.
McNamara, but lucky for her, she's an adult and can't be beaten up.
And then my problem is solved.
- Okay, but what if you miss? - I won't miss, Henry.
This isn't my first staged tripping.
Go time.
- Ah! - Oh, my God.
You are dead.
Debbie.
Oh, no.
Oh, I am so, so, so sorry, Debbie.
I don't know what happened.
An apple rolled under my foot somehow, and Oh, here.
Oh, my gosh, let me just clean you up.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Ms.
McNamara, don't worry at all.
Everyone makes mistakes.
Maybe, if you could be so kind, you could get me some paper towels - from the janitor's closet? - Oh, yes.
Thank you.
Thank you, Debbie.
Of course.
Everyone out of my way.
- Debbie needs paper towels.
- Hi, Moon.
Interesting tactic.
Get me mad at someone else, so I'll forget about you.
I respect it, but it didn't work.
Oh, and just a quick update on what's up with me, my research on the poop punch has finally paid off.
Okay, new idea, we slather you in Vaseline, so you're too slippery to fight, and if she still keeps coming after you, then we just slide you right into the ocean.
Oh, Moon, great.
You're just in time.
We're about to begin.
Come on, grab a seat.
Sorry, Dad, no time for sitting.
I've got a prob ject, school probject I need to work on tonight.
Say no more.
From one projecteur to another, I wish you luck.
- You two know about this probject? - Yeah, we know about it.
We're currently monitoring it from afar.
Listen, when another girl threatens to punch your little brother, it's best to let him try to work it out before getting involved.
Especially when you yourself are afraid of said girl.
- Debbie? - Debbie.
Understood.
Now, let's get down to brass logs.
I have created a foolproof plan of how to move the Log Museum here to our property, where it will be conveniently located near the family cemetery.
I want our ancestors' spirits to be able to enjoy the logs.
Okay, but if I see any ghostly Tobins near my chocolate pretzels, I will kill them again.
Now, first things first.
Junkyard Kyle has kindly agreed to raise the museum structure and put it on cinder blocks in exchange for a gallon of vape juice, two old coffee makers, and Wolf's half-shirt that says, "Who Farted?" Oh, I'm gonna miss that shirt, but I got a tank top that says "Fart Loading" ready to take its place.
And then, we'll attach the tether apparatus around the museum and to the back of the family van.
I'll pull the museum forward, and as it passes over each log in the rear, you guys will lift said log and move it to the front of the other log.
And, of course, this must all be done in the dead of night when there won't be any cars on the roads.
Now, I'm usually not one to be tooting horns, but, uh, a-tooty-too-toot, this plan is perfection.
What else can we roll over here? Can we get a Dave & Busters on the premises? - Oh, boy.
- Hey, Moon, um So I may have inadvertently fixed your Debbie problem.
- Really? How? - Well, you know how I do my weekly check-ins with Principal Gibbons because I'm head of the Junior Janitors? - Yeah.
- Well I may have been doing that weekly check-in and everything about Debbie may have kind of totally accidentally come spilling out.
You ratted? Will Moon Tobin and Debbie Van please come to the principal's office.
Would you be less mad if I told you he has Andes after-dinner mints on his desk this week? No? Okay, bye.
Now, Debbie, what is this I hear about you saying you're gonna beat up Moon on Friday? Oh, yeah, I did say that, but it's because I - have a crush on him.
- Oh.
Of course, yes.
Romantic feelings at your age - can be very confusing.
- Yeah.
Totally.
So sorry.
Moon, would you like to share anything? - Mm-mm.
- Well, feeling shy is also perfectly normal.
You guys can head back to class.
Thank you so much.
I've sure learned my lesson.
- And, Moon.
- Yeah? Take it easy on Debbie, okay? She's in new territory here.
Yup, I'll take it easy on Debbie.
Sure thing.
You listen to me, Pajanimal, you messed up big time trying to get me in trouble.
It wasn't me.
Russell told Principal Gibbons Well, your plan backfired because now I'm going to do a pee punch and a double poop punch.
So, first, you'll pee out the front.
Then you'll poop out the back.
- Then you'll poop out the front.
- That's not possible.
A pee pee.
A poo poo.
A poo poo.
All right, time to figure out how to sneak into the wheel well of a 747.
Hey, Moon, how's the, uh school project coming? Uh You know, son, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear that you've attempted to change your appearance and are now planning to go on the lam so that a certain frenemy doesn't punch you.
Great guess, but don't try to stop me.
- This is the only way now.
- Well, I'm sure you're right.
Do you have everything packed that you need? Yup, just need to burn off my fingerprints and eat my SIM card.
Wonderful.
Now, before you run away and live a life of adventure walking the highway and hustling pinball at truck stops, I wonder if you can just take one more look at your problem from a different angle.
You might find the answer is closer than you think.
Like, no one was threatening to beat me up this week, but my heart felt beat up about the Log Museum closing.
My problem was logs, and it turned out my solution was also logs.
Maybe your solution is right in front of you, and you just don't know it.
So, give it a think before you head out and never see us again, okay, bud? Hm My problem is Debbie.
Maybe my solution is also Debbie.
Dad, is it okay if I walk over to the Van's house? Sure, just take the emergency phone - and stay on the path.
- I carved that path.
I'm not gonna abandon it now.
Hello, Debbie's mom.
Hi, Moon.
I'm sorry, but Debbie isn't here right now.
She's at the ice rink Uh-oh, I know that face.
Is Debbie planning to beat you up? You could tell that just from my face? Ugh, she threatens to beat people up pretty often.
Just last week, her orthodontist showed up here looking just like you do right now.
- What'd you do? - I saw her with her doll - at Gluttony Gulch Buffet.
- Yikes.
Why is she so worried about me seeing her play with a doll? We all still play with toys at our age.
We don't talk about it, but we know it happens.
Well, it's a little bit my fault, maybe.
I mean, I shouldn't tell you this, but you look like the kind of small bear that can keep a secret.
- Is that right? - Yup.
I made Debbie repeat kindergarten.
You held Debbie back? Why? Well, she was just so tiny back then.
And the first time she did kindergarten, when we lived in Death Cliff, she got picked on all year.
So, when we moved to Lone Moose, I thought it'd be a good idea for her to repeat kindergarten, so she'd be a little bigger.
But guess what? - She hated it.
- That's right, Moon.
She wouldn't talk to me for months.
It wasn't until I bought her that doll that she started calling me Carissa again.
Then we worked our way back to Mom over the next few years, but the whole incident had some lasting effects.
She really hates being seen as little in any way.
I see.
So, she's not mean.
She's just hurt and kind of scared.
Come on, Moon, she's definitely mean.
But, yes, hurt and scared as well.
It's also the reason she wears those darn skates all the time, so she'll be taller and have weapons on her feet.
Thank you, Mrs.
Van.
I think I know what to do now.
No need to tell Debbie I was here.
Actually, it's probably better if you don't.
Sure thing, Moon Uh-oh.
That's gonna be her father dropping her off.
Run, Moon.
Cut through the backyard.
Jump the fence.
See, Horton, it's working.
The museum will be open for decades to come, and I can visit you and Coco every day.
That's nice, Beef.
That'll be real nice for you.
But Oh, no, it's gonna hit the van.
Oh, no it didn't hit the v oh, no, the rope's breaking.
Everyone get away from the museum! She's gonna break free.
- No! - Oh, no! We can save the museum.
Everyone, just grab some pieces.
We'll rebuild it and make it even better.
It'll be ten stories no, 20 stories tall, and visitors will - come from around the world - Beef.
Just let it die.
It's what I want.
The land lease didn't get sold out from under me.
- I let it expire.
- Why? I'm done, Beef.
The only people that come to the museum anymore are drifters that need to go number two, and there's this guy Rodney.
He always tries to put his mouth on a log, and when I stop him, he accuses me of doing 9/11.
I want to retire to Miami and get a girlfriend.
Maybe a boyfriend.
Wear a thong underwear bathing suit.
Feel the sun on my lower cheeks.
I understand, Horton.
Far be it from me to stop a man that has so honorably served the history of logs from living out his dream.
Everyone deserves a chance to show off their butt in their autumn years if they wish.
Now, let me help you.
We need to get Coco out of there, so he can go to his new home.
He belongs with you, Beef.
He always did.
You hear that, buddy? You're coming home with me.
Okay, Moon.
Time to pull up or shut up.
- You can't.
- Moon, are you sure? Yes.
Hey, Debbie.
Oh, my gosh.
Um, what the hell do you think you're doing? Why are you wearing a diaper? - And holding that stuffed sloth? - His name is Jeremy, and I'm publicly embarrassing myself to show you that it doesn't matter what people think about you.
So what if people think I'm a weirdo baby in a diaper? You're my friend, Debbie, and it's worth it to put myself out there to end this.
There's nothing wrong with still being little sometimes and wanting to play with a doll.
I got Jeremy when I was four, and I still hold him when I feel scared, like when I accidentally watched The Purge, and then when I watched all the sequels on purpose.
Personally, I think your doll is cool, and I would never pick on you for being small.
Oh, thank you so much.
That was such a great speech, Keith Bore-ison, but I have never even been embarrassed in my entire life.
And I don't own a doll.
And I'm not little, and I never have been.
When I came out of my mom's vagina, which was also very big, all the doctors in the hospital fainted - because I was so large and scary.
- Okay then, Debbie, proceed with the pee and poop and double poop punches, but just remember that, even after I've pooped out my front, I'll still be your friend.
Oh, my God.
Get out of here.
I can't beat up some little diaper boy because that would be embarrassing for me.
And like I said, Moon Tobin, I've never ever been embarrassed.
This is probably the most triumphant I'll ever feel while wearing a diaper in front of a bunch of people.
- At least, I hope so.
- All hail Moon Tobin.
- The Diaper King.
- Russell, no.
So, Moon, how'd your school probject turn out? Well, you were right, Dad.
The solution was right in front of me.
It was a large diaper and a stuffed sloth.
There you go.
I'm proud of you, and Coco's happy for you, too.
Hey, Dad, where are you gonna keep Coco? Oh, I meant to tell you.
I'm gonna need you and Honeybee to move to a motel downtown.
Coco needs his space.
Fair enough, Dad.
- We'll go get our things.
- Wolf, no.
It's the most important ♪ Job in the world ♪ Not a doctor, a pilot, a mommy or a daddy, no ♪ I'm talking about ♪ Being a flute caddie ♪ The pressure's on, your flautist ♪ Needs an alto, a standard C ♪ A piccolo, or a bass ♪ The first step's important, though ♪ Number one, open the case ♪ Slowly move it to the left, forward or right ♪ Your flautist will be waiting, lock eyes ♪ Don't lose sight.
♪