The Muppet Show (1976) s02e17 Episode Script
Julie Andrews
Julie Andrews? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Andrews, Thank you, Thank you, I'll be ready, I'll be ready so long as nobody else drops in, It's The Muppet Show, with our very speciaI guest star, Miss Julie Andrews, It's time to play the music It's time to light the light It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to get things started It's time to get things started on the most sensational Inspirational, celebrational Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show Thank you, thank you, thank you, Welcome again to The Muppet Show.
We're excited around here tonight, Our guest star is a wonderfully talented lady and a good friend of mine, and here she is now, Ladies and gentlemen, Julie Andrews! You know, I seen the movie twice, Hooray! Bravo! I loved the goat, He would the old goat, OK, great opening number with the goats and the pigs, Way to go, cow, Cow? It's a reaI cow, all right, Scooter! - Yeah, chief? Refresh my memory, Was there a cow in that opening number? No, - Then what's a cow doing backstage? What cow? - That cow right there! Kermit, that's a cow! I know! How'd it get in here? - I guess he must've sneaked in, Cows don't sneak, Snakes sneak, Find out who it belongs to, - OK, Who do you belong to? Scooter! - OK, chief, OK, I think they're gonna love this show in Jersey, Here is a Muppet news flash.
A plane carrying a load of sports equipment was forced to jettison some of its cargo, Among the items tossed out were 1 0,000 ping pong balls and one bowling ball, Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat of death-defying musicrobatics never seen before the Great Gonzo will perform on bagpipes the Eine Kleine Nachtmusik from a flagpole ten feet in the air? Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo! Hey, Gonzo should quit while he's ahead, Gonzo should quit while he's alive, Are you OK, Gonzo? Oh, sure, I just fell 1 1 feet onto solid concrete, Well, that's too bad, It looks like you're gonna have to get a new bagpipe, Yeah, I'm having it made out of solid beaver skin, Sorry about that beaver, I don't know how it got in here, Usually we're more carefuI about who we allow in this place, Yeah, I can see that, Yeah, the cow, It's been a bad night for security, Wow, You got a great pair of legs, In fact, she's got two great pair of legs, Hey, you wouldn't think about going into show business, would you? Will you at least have dinner with me? Promise? Gonzo! Hey, chief? Well, so far nobody knows nothing about the cow, Keep trying, We cannot have a cow backstage, Well, look on the bright side, At least you won't have to give us milk money anymore, Scooter! It's very nice to be able to talk quietly with you for a minute, Thank you, I feeI the same way, There was something I was going to ask, Excuse me, Julie, Kermit? - Yeah? Your nephew Robin just fell in a tuba, He just what? - He fell in a tuba, It's OK, AnimaI's getting him out, Hey, Robin, are you all right? Yeah, it's fun! You were saying, Julie? I was gonna ask - I hate to interrupt, Excuse me, Kermit? - Yeah? Did you ask to see the Flying Zuccini's human cannonball act? Not right now, - I'll go tell them, Bye, Bye, Kermit, I was too late to Never mind, Yes, you were saying You see, they have two cannons OK, OK! Just get out of here! I'm sorry, Julie, you were trying to say Kermit! Sweetums and Thog are playing badminton! So? - They're playing with my chicken! Julie, you were asking? - Nothing, I just was wondering what you guys did for entertainment around here, Oh, nothing much, FowI! Excuse me, - You're excused! Excuse me, it's time to change partners, No, it's time to change ballrooms, creep, Excuse me, can I cut in? That reminds me, Marvin, did you remember to feed the anteater? There she is! Here we go! Way down south way down in Borneo There's a wild man called the Borneo Way down on Borneo Bay Even though you've got a corneo You'll dance till the break of dawneo Way down on Borneo Bay Wild man stands with his clothes all torneo Toot toot toots on a bamboo horneo Then the bamboo baby start to sway Start to sway When you see them dance the Borneo You'll just put yourjewels in pawneo Way down on Borneo Bay Way down on Borneo Bay Way down on Borneo Bay Way down south way down in Borneo There's a wild man called the Borneo Way down on Borneo Bay Even though you've got a corneo You'll dance till the break of dawneo Way down on Borneo Bay Wild man stands with his clothes all torneo Toot toot toots on his bamboo horneo Then the bamboo baby start to sway Start to sway When you see them dance the Borneo You'll just put yourjewels in pawneo Way down on Borneo Bay Kermit, you've been busy since I saw you last, We've been doing this show and all that stuff, I love the shows, I watch them every week, Oh, hey, that's nice, Gee, you know, one thing people don't know about you, is you write children's books, - I really enjoy doing that, too, And you also write songs, - Well, I wrote one for you, remember? You wrote one for me? - How could you have forgotten? I didn't forget, We did it on a speciaI of yours a couple of years ago, Right, - Would you do that now? I thought you'd never ask, Actually, I knew she was gonna do it, Ready? When you were a tadpole And I was a fish When the whole world had barely begun As far back as that? I saw you swim by With a smile in your eye And I loved you From that moment on That's a lovely thought, And through all the changes From fins into fingers I longed for the day You would be The sweet loving person You've finally become From that faraway day In the sea And my first wish What's that? That you'd love me too 'Cause I've loved you Since you were a tadpole And I was a fish Oh, that really is a lovely song, Oh, I'm glad you like it, Kermit, It's a little bit fishy, I really love it, though, And I love when you sing it, Thank you, I'm so glad that you Love me too 'Cause I've loved you Since you were A tadpole And I was Guess what, - A fish? A fish Greetings, As an American eagle, I feeI it is my duty to say a few words about the glories of industry and technology, There are those among us who would silence our factories, shut down our mills and grind our highways to a halt, Yea, verily, today the very fibre of our industrialisation is under attack from a small subversive group of namby-pamby conservationists, These weirdoes would stop the march of progress for the sake of a few insignificant animals, I have here a list, A list of the animals these so-called conservationists would have us protect, Just listen to this, The mountain lion, The alligator, The coyote, the timber wolf, The American bald eagle, The American bald eagle, Excuse me, this list is now inoperative, Where's the cow? We had a date! She's gone, Well, I guess I've still got time to call a chicken, Say, where's the cow? I found someone who's gonna do something with her, Oh, yeah? Who? - The Swedish Chef, Chef! What are you doing? Barbecue, You can't do that, Come on, out, out, No, no, no! Out, out! Now, Scooter? Would you erase that cow? - Sure, boss, Erase the cow? Welcome again to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today, We are just feverishly excited here at the labs today because our latest invention is ready for testing, Here it is, Muppet Labs' new hair-growing tonic, And who better to test it on than my willing and eager lab assistant, Beaker, Come on in, Beaker, You would just love to test this new hair-growing tonic, wouldn't you Beaker? I knew he would, OK, just sit down on this stooI, here, Come on, There you go, We'll shake a little bit of this on here, Put it down, And massage it in vigorously, Well, yes, now in a matter of seconds you can grow a rich, luxurious head of hair, Go from a baldy to a shaggy in the mere tick of a clock, There, Now watch closely, here's the result of using Muppets' hair-growing tonic, Perhaps we should call it "hair-raising" tonic, Kermit? Kermit, I found some guys who'll get rid of the cow for you, Great, Who are they? - The Zuccini Brothers, The human cannonball act? Yeah, but now they're gonna change it to a cow cannonball act, OK, now we get it, There's the cow, Wait, wait, wait, No, no, no, I'm a frog, The cow's over there, First, we gotta put the cow into the cannon, I don't believe this, I'm gonna go introduce Julie Andrews, Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Miss Julie Andrews, Look! OK, kids, this has been a lot of fun, I think we should now pretend I get away, Help! Don't be afraid, Julie, We only wanted your autograph for a picture, I don't happen to have a pen on me at the moment, There's one at the police station around the corner, Come with me, - Great! Come on! We've come to the end of another Muppet Show and I must say that this one has been a particularly moving experience, Before we go, let's have a warm thank you to our speciaI guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Julie Andrews! Thank you, Thank you, Kermit, I've really had a super time on the show, Good, - Except for one thing, What's that? Well, I seem to have lost my cow around here somewhere, Cow? That was your cow? Kermit, what was that? Nothing, We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
Kermit, about my cow, It was quite small, Have you seen a cow here, has lovely brown eyes and big lashes? You've seen her? That's funny, she was here when I came in, Wanna go to a movie or grab a steak?
We're excited around here tonight, Our guest star is a wonderfully talented lady and a good friend of mine, and here she is now, Ladies and gentlemen, Julie Andrews! You know, I seen the movie twice, Hooray! Bravo! I loved the goat, He would the old goat, OK, great opening number with the goats and the pigs, Way to go, cow, Cow? It's a reaI cow, all right, Scooter! - Yeah, chief? Refresh my memory, Was there a cow in that opening number? No, - Then what's a cow doing backstage? What cow? - That cow right there! Kermit, that's a cow! I know! How'd it get in here? - I guess he must've sneaked in, Cows don't sneak, Snakes sneak, Find out who it belongs to, - OK, Who do you belong to? Scooter! - OK, chief, OK, I think they're gonna love this show in Jersey, Here is a Muppet news flash.
A plane carrying a load of sports equipment was forced to jettison some of its cargo, Among the items tossed out were 1 0,000 ping pong balls and one bowling ball, Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat of death-defying musicrobatics never seen before the Great Gonzo will perform on bagpipes the Eine Kleine Nachtmusik from a flagpole ten feet in the air? Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo! Hey, Gonzo should quit while he's ahead, Gonzo should quit while he's alive, Are you OK, Gonzo? Oh, sure, I just fell 1 1 feet onto solid concrete, Well, that's too bad, It looks like you're gonna have to get a new bagpipe, Yeah, I'm having it made out of solid beaver skin, Sorry about that beaver, I don't know how it got in here, Usually we're more carefuI about who we allow in this place, Yeah, I can see that, Yeah, the cow, It's been a bad night for security, Wow, You got a great pair of legs, In fact, she's got two great pair of legs, Hey, you wouldn't think about going into show business, would you? Will you at least have dinner with me? Promise? Gonzo! Hey, chief? Well, so far nobody knows nothing about the cow, Keep trying, We cannot have a cow backstage, Well, look on the bright side, At least you won't have to give us milk money anymore, Scooter! It's very nice to be able to talk quietly with you for a minute, Thank you, I feeI the same way, There was something I was going to ask, Excuse me, Julie, Kermit? - Yeah? Your nephew Robin just fell in a tuba, He just what? - He fell in a tuba, It's OK, AnimaI's getting him out, Hey, Robin, are you all right? Yeah, it's fun! You were saying, Julie? I was gonna ask - I hate to interrupt, Excuse me, Kermit? - Yeah? Did you ask to see the Flying Zuccini's human cannonball act? Not right now, - I'll go tell them, Bye, Bye, Kermit, I was too late to Never mind, Yes, you were saying You see, they have two cannons OK, OK! Just get out of here! I'm sorry, Julie, you were trying to say Kermit! Sweetums and Thog are playing badminton! So? - They're playing with my chicken! Julie, you were asking? - Nothing, I just was wondering what you guys did for entertainment around here, Oh, nothing much, FowI! Excuse me, - You're excused! Excuse me, it's time to change partners, No, it's time to change ballrooms, creep, Excuse me, can I cut in? That reminds me, Marvin, did you remember to feed the anteater? There she is! Here we go! Way down south way down in Borneo There's a wild man called the Borneo Way down on Borneo Bay Even though you've got a corneo You'll dance till the break of dawneo Way down on Borneo Bay Wild man stands with his clothes all torneo Toot toot toots on a bamboo horneo Then the bamboo baby start to sway Start to sway When you see them dance the Borneo You'll just put yourjewels in pawneo Way down on Borneo Bay Way down on Borneo Bay Way down on Borneo Bay Way down south way down in Borneo There's a wild man called the Borneo Way down on Borneo Bay Even though you've got a corneo You'll dance till the break of dawneo Way down on Borneo Bay Wild man stands with his clothes all torneo Toot toot toots on his bamboo horneo Then the bamboo baby start to sway Start to sway When you see them dance the Borneo You'll just put yourjewels in pawneo Way down on Borneo Bay Kermit, you've been busy since I saw you last, We've been doing this show and all that stuff, I love the shows, I watch them every week, Oh, hey, that's nice, Gee, you know, one thing people don't know about you, is you write children's books, - I really enjoy doing that, too, And you also write songs, - Well, I wrote one for you, remember? You wrote one for me? - How could you have forgotten? I didn't forget, We did it on a speciaI of yours a couple of years ago, Right, - Would you do that now? I thought you'd never ask, Actually, I knew she was gonna do it, Ready? When you were a tadpole And I was a fish When the whole world had barely begun As far back as that? I saw you swim by With a smile in your eye And I loved you From that moment on That's a lovely thought, And through all the changes From fins into fingers I longed for the day You would be The sweet loving person You've finally become From that faraway day In the sea And my first wish What's that? That you'd love me too 'Cause I've loved you Since you were a tadpole And I was a fish Oh, that really is a lovely song, Oh, I'm glad you like it, Kermit, It's a little bit fishy, I really love it, though, And I love when you sing it, Thank you, I'm so glad that you Love me too 'Cause I've loved you Since you were A tadpole And I was Guess what, - A fish? A fish Greetings, As an American eagle, I feeI it is my duty to say a few words about the glories of industry and technology, There are those among us who would silence our factories, shut down our mills and grind our highways to a halt, Yea, verily, today the very fibre of our industrialisation is under attack from a small subversive group of namby-pamby conservationists, These weirdoes would stop the march of progress for the sake of a few insignificant animals, I have here a list, A list of the animals these so-called conservationists would have us protect, Just listen to this, The mountain lion, The alligator, The coyote, the timber wolf, The American bald eagle, The American bald eagle, Excuse me, this list is now inoperative, Where's the cow? We had a date! She's gone, Well, I guess I've still got time to call a chicken, Say, where's the cow? I found someone who's gonna do something with her, Oh, yeah? Who? - The Swedish Chef, Chef! What are you doing? Barbecue, You can't do that, Come on, out, out, No, no, no! Out, out! Now, Scooter? Would you erase that cow? - Sure, boss, Erase the cow? Welcome again to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today, We are just feverishly excited here at the labs today because our latest invention is ready for testing, Here it is, Muppet Labs' new hair-growing tonic, And who better to test it on than my willing and eager lab assistant, Beaker, Come on in, Beaker, You would just love to test this new hair-growing tonic, wouldn't you Beaker? I knew he would, OK, just sit down on this stooI, here, Come on, There you go, We'll shake a little bit of this on here, Put it down, And massage it in vigorously, Well, yes, now in a matter of seconds you can grow a rich, luxurious head of hair, Go from a baldy to a shaggy in the mere tick of a clock, There, Now watch closely, here's the result of using Muppets' hair-growing tonic, Perhaps we should call it "hair-raising" tonic, Kermit? Kermit, I found some guys who'll get rid of the cow for you, Great, Who are they? - The Zuccini Brothers, The human cannonball act? Yeah, but now they're gonna change it to a cow cannonball act, OK, now we get it, There's the cow, Wait, wait, wait, No, no, no, I'm a frog, The cow's over there, First, we gotta put the cow into the cannon, I don't believe this, I'm gonna go introduce Julie Andrews, Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Miss Julie Andrews, Look! OK, kids, this has been a lot of fun, I think we should now pretend I get away, Help! Don't be afraid, Julie, We only wanted your autograph for a picture, I don't happen to have a pen on me at the moment, There's one at the police station around the corner, Come with me, - Great! Come on! We've come to the end of another Muppet Show and I must say that this one has been a particularly moving experience, Before we go, let's have a warm thank you to our speciaI guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Julie Andrews! Thank you, Thank you, Kermit, I've really had a super time on the show, Good, - Except for one thing, What's that? Well, I seem to have lost my cow around here somewhere, Cow? That was your cow? Kermit, what was that? Nothing, We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
Kermit, about my cow, It was quite small, Have you seen a cow here, has lovely brown eyes and big lashes? You've seen her? That's funny, she was here when I came in, Wanna go to a movie or grab a steak?