Ugly Americans (2010) s02e17 Episode Script

Some people just don't know when to be serious.
Congratulations, clown, you have received a full pardon.
You can finally see your wife and kids again.
Seriously? You told me I was gonna rot in here.
I've missed my family so much.
[Laughing.]
April Fools.
You're not going anywhere, rubber nuts.
Ha, ha.
Gotcha.
What? Oh, the look on your face.
Priceless.
Ah, now I'm gonna call my youngest daughter and tell her I have cancer.
She falls for it every year.
I love April Fools' day.
The problem with always being a joker is that is that you might not realize when the joke is on you.
Zahara? Daddy's got some bad news.
[Laughing.]
[Laughing.]
Why are you wearing your lucky tie that looks exactly like your normal tie? I'm immune to your sarcasm today, Randall.
It's a special day.
Harry Connick Jr.
finally answered your fan letter.
Wow, dude.
I said special, not historic.
No, today is the day I ask Callie to get engaged to be engaged.
It's the step before the first step toward thinking about the idea of marriage.
It's a huge commitment.
You and Callie, married? It's all so sudden.
[Straining.]
Heart pills in my pocket.
It's okay, buddy.
Breathe.
Marriage is a long way down the road.
Ah, ah! April Fools.
This is exactly why I hate April Fools' day.
From now on, April 1st will no longer be known for silly tomfoolery but as the day Mark and Callie embarked on a romantic trip for two.
A promise ring? That's it.
After you slip it on her finger, tell her an ex-girlfriend looked you up, and you got an illegitimate kid named Cody.
You realize if we do get married one day, I'll have to move out of here.
You'll move out? My heart! Ah, it's happening again.
The cap is child-proof.
Uh-huh.
We have a safe room? Ah, the safe room.
Right.
Yeah, well, you got to wake up a little earlier in the morning to prank Mark Lilly.
- [Groaning.]
- Hey, oh! I don't normally like practical jokes, but darn it.
[Laughing.]
This is hilarious.
You got a sick sense of humor, ass[bleep.]
.
Huh.
[Screaming.]
[Groaning.]
Welcome to the safe room.
On your feet.
Hey, you could really use more than one pillow here.
I think I sprained my ankle.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Mark Lilly.
Yep, when the [bleep.]
goes down, we've got everything we need to survive.
Canned food, morphine, condoms, ribbed for her pleasure.
I suppose you could turn them inside out.
And all 12 seasons of Gary unmarried on a hard drive that can withstand a 20-megaton blast.
Shh.
This is the one where Gary gets married.
Impressive.
And why are we here? Sit down, Lilly.
I've got a story that will make your testicles retract.
Barney Snodgrass.
He was the D.
O.
I.
counselor before you.
Brilliant sense of humor.
The man loved pranks.
Barney believed in teaching through public humiliation and cruelty.
Today's lesson: Duck! [Gunfire.]
My eye.
Nobody was immune to his razor-sharp wit.
If Barney's so great, how come I've never heard of him.
And what does he have to do with the safe room? [All whimper.]
April Fools' day, five years ago, we put a fart cushion on Barney's chair.
[Laughter.]
The perfect prank.
The problem is, Barney could dish it out, but he couldn't take it.
He freaked out and stabbed Eric to death.
I was once human.
They had to rebuild me.
Better, stronger, faster.
Yep, I busted Barney and threw him in a mental hospital.
Nobody pranks Barney Snodgrass! You'll pay for this.
You'll all pay! Now I get it.
This is the old "escaped mental patient who's out to kill his former coworkers" gag.
Hey, guys, I've seen that movie.
Okay? I reviewed it on my movie blog.
I gave it two out of five "marks.
" This isn't a movie, Mark.
We're all going to die.
Especially you.
Fine.
It's not a prank.
Explain how you know he's out to kill all of us.
Barney's prison journal.
Years of threats are scrawled on that charmin.
Unroll it if you dare.
And for the grand prize of $372 million, the megaball is74.
What? In a fun new twist, the lucky winner has only 24 hours to redeem the ticket.
After that, it's completely worthless.
You know how many people would kill for that ticket? I mean literally kill.
Hm, hey, fellows.
Uh.
I got to run an errand.
[Screams.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the honorable Bunnycorn janitor.
My God, he's here.
Barney.
This isn't much of a safe room.
Time to head to the safe house.
All right, I'm not letting you take this any further.
I have actual work to do.
Sorry, Lilly, but during office hours, your safety is my responsibility.
Now get your ass in the van before I crack your skull in.
Fake rigor mortis.
Way to commit.
Um, why are we taking my roommate's van? All department vehicles are checked out.
And because I enjoy the zombie as comic relief.
Why thank you, Francis.
[Guffaws.]
See? Hilarious.
Are we headed anywhere near a liquor store and/or lottery headquarters? Nope, we're headed to my mountain cabin.
We'll be much safer there than in the safe room.
A remote cabin miles from civilization? A maniac would never look for us there.
I'm sorry we'll miss our romantic dinner tonight because of this stupid prank.
I had something special planned, but I guess I can do it here.
Oh, oh.
My darling.
I have something to ask you.
- Oh! It's yes.
- Not you.
Callie.
I can't concentrate on your sappy romantic gestures right now.
My ex-boyfriend is trying to kill us.
Wait, are you saying you dated this Barney? We dated until he went to the insane asylum.
Real relationship killer.
Et tu,Callie? You know how much I hate pranks.
It's not a prank.
I wish it were.
Barney and I were in love.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the first commercial break.
Twayne, there are land mines in that crate.
Establish a security perimeter.
Cuddles, you'll take first watch.
Cla-clack! You two, gather logs to build a poop hut.
But dig a healthy crap hole first.
Chop, chop.
But there's a bathroom in the cabin.
You think I'm letting these animals use my toilet? [Groaning.]
Let's say there really is a Barney.
If you had dated a jerk like that, you would have told me about him.
There's a lot of stuff I haven't told you mainly to avoid annoying conversations like this.
Everything you need to know about Barney and me is in that journal.
I'm hitting the showers.
Okay, I'll read it.
But only because I'm gonna have to use this after lunch.
[Groaning.]
[Laughing.]
Randall, my boy.
I need to borrow the van.
Why? To redeem your lottery ticket? Yeah.
Your birthday numbers? Ah, how do you know I play my birthday? I know a little bit about everyone.
I'm a renaissance man.
Also, you told me while you were wasted.
I mean, it's all you would talk about.
Anyway, I want half.
Dream on, zombie.
You need a ride to the city.
Ha, I'll just use my wand to zap back to New York.
Watch this.
Hm.
Ah.
Oh, Gary, will you ever get married? [Bleep.]
.
How 'bout I tell these people with nothing to lose that you're holding a ticket worth $372 million.
Cla-clack! Okay, okay.
"F.
" You got a deal, partner.
[Clicking.]
[Gasps.]
FYI, I have a very slow gastrointestinal tract.
You're a real bastard.
To the van.
Where'd the van go? April Fools you [bleep.]
.
Don't ask me how I did it.
I guess we're walking.
[Moaning.]
Oh, yeah.
[Heavy breathing.]
Oops.
Forgot my breasts.
Silly Callie.
[Moaning.]
[Gasps.]
Don't bogart the hot water.
Ugh.
[Moaning.]
Oops, forgot my penis.
Silly Twayne.
[Screams.]
What was that? Wild boar man.
Woods are full of them Hicks.
- Oh, all right.
Today's lesson: Pranks.
Now, while I can take a joke with the best of them-- witness the "Barney's out to kill us" charade-- pranks are transferred anger.
Cruelty is never funny.
Hey! [Laughter.]
Doug, sit.
[Sighs.]
Look, you're probably wondering why I have such an aversion to pranks.
- Not really.
- My stepdad loved pranks.
Joy buzzers, rubber vomit, name it.
So on April 1st one year, when screamed that he wished he'd never met my mom and stormed out, it was just another prank.
It wasn't.
- Wow, yeah, that's-- - A great prank? I wish I could have seen the look on your mom's face.
[Grumbles.]
You're absolutely sure this is the way back to New York? That's the Hudson.
Duh.
See the corpses? We jump in, and it'll float us back to the city.
Easy peasy.
I can't swim.
That's okay.
I'm a trained lifeguard.
Now, give me the ticket.
- Here's half.
- [Gulps.]
Yoink.
[Screaming.]
Never swallowed the key, sucker.
[Growling.]
[Screams.]
[Grunting.]
Give me the ticket back.
You've got a bigger problem.
That one's got an attractive face hole.
I'll never forgive you for getting me into this.
August 17th: Those Fools at the D.
O.
I.
They've left me with nothing but time to plot my revenge.
Death is too good for them.
They shall die by prank.
You know, the blood they used to write Barney's prank journal looks surprisingly real.
Prank idea: Refill hand sanitizer with sulfuric acid.
Perfect for Twayne.
To be fair, that would be a pretty good way to get Twayne.
Callie and I were soul mates.
She understood me like no other.
Twayne loves rats.
Try these.
We were torn apart just as our true love blossomed.
Freeze, scumbag.
You're under arrest for the murder of Eric Fogeltaint.
You took away my humanity, you monster.
Barney, no.
I will always love you.
None of this can be true.
Can it? Mark, help.
He's stabbing us.
[Screaming.]
I read Barney's journal.
I'm not sure what to believe anymore.
The truth is that Barney and I were very much in love, Mark.
I'm sorry you had to find that out while he's trying to murder you and all.
How could you love someone like that? He is such a douche-nozzle.
Because I'm a demon, Mark.
Evil is literally our sole characteristic.
Then why are you with me? [Sighs.]
I don't know.
At first, it was just to piss off my dad.
And then it was to sexually humiliate you.
And then it was because you have premium cable.
I guess at some point, I just got used to having you around.
Callie, are you still in love with Barney? I don't know.
Okay? I'm a woman in my 20s.
I don't know what I want.
I wonder what the return policy is on this.
Hi.
Yellow cab? I'm in a forest somewhere, and I'll pay you 500 grand for a ride to the city.
Hello? Hello? I have some good news and some bad news and then some more good news and then possibly more bad news.
Good news: They've agreed not to violate my anus.
Bad news: The fat one likes the shape of your lips.
Good news: After he's done with you, they'll give us a lift to New York.
And what's the other bad news? They want half the winnings.
But, hey, the fat one's gonna be a multimillionaire now, so he's a pretty great catch.
Where is everyone? Ah, our friends are dead, Lilly.
All of them.
And now he's got Callie.
My God, it really isn't a prank.
Why didn't you tell me? - Seriously? - [Screaming.]
[Gasps.]
Callie! We're coming! Wait, I've got night blindness.
[Snoring.]
Psst.
Where's the lottery ticket? They trusted me with that information.
I'm not sure I can betray a confidence.
I'd be happy to wake them up and remind them what a pleasure it would be to badonka your donk.
[Whispers.]
It's in his ear.
If I get poison ivy on my junk, you're applying the aloe.
[Creature squealing.]
They mock me for having a keychain light, who's laughing now? [Rustling.]
[Groaning.]
Oh [Screaming.]
I never thought I'd be so happy to see this piece of [ Bleep.]
van.
We still got an hour.
Let's roll.
Maybe we should wait for the others? Both: April Fools! [Laughing.]
Ah, suckers! Eat our dust.
- Ah! - Quiet.
They're nearby.
Mark! [Laughing.]
- Oh! - [Groaning.]
Hello, there.
I'm gonna marry your girlfriend tonight.
[Laughing.]
What? You're shorter than I imagined.
What does Callie see in you? Certainly not your hair.
What the hell are you doing? Oh, getting you camera-ready.
Instead of killing you, I've decided to give you a chance to vie for Callie's love.
And what better way than through a classic game show? Hit it.
[Upbeat music.]
It's time to meet our eligible bachelors.
Grimes? I've got a bomb strapped to my chest, Lilly.
Play along.
Where is Callie? Callie! Bachelor number one enjoys maniacal laughter and hostage situations.
Please welcome Barney Snodgrass.
[Recorded applause.]
Bachelor number two is a low-level government employee who'll be dead within the hour.
Welcome Mark Lilly.
[Clapping.]
And here's our eligible bachelorette, Callie Maggotbone.
[Clapping.]
Bachelor number one, say hello to Callie.
Hello, there, sweet mama.
Barney, this is ridiculous.
Let Mark and Grimes go.
It's nice to meet you too.
Bachelor number deuce.
Callie, it's Mark.
Are you hurt? No names, bachelor number two.
Bachelorette, your question, please.
Oh, come on.
I'm not reading this.
I could blow all of us up right now, if you'd prefer.
Bachelor number two, what's the wildest place you can imagine us making whoopee? Making whoopee? Seriously? Callie, no matter what happens to us, I want you to know-- [buzzer sounds.]
- I'm wearing a bomb, Lilly.
Answer the goddamn question! On top of the covers.
Next question, please.
Bachelor number one, why are we a better match than number two? I'm so glad you asked that, Callie.
Because I'm pure evil, a real grade "a" bastard.
And deep down, you know that's what you're looking for.
Callie, I know we've drifted apart ever since I got locked up for murder, but you're my soul mate.
I shivved six guards just so I could see you again.
That may be the sweetest thing that anyone has ever said to me.
What? Baby, you know tiny, black, bile-pumping heart that we were meant to be.
Callie Maggotbone, will you be mine forever? [Gasps.]
Oh, Barney.
She's his, Lilly.
And now he's gonna murder us.
Work some of your counseling bull[bleep.]
.
The time for counseling is over.
I'm gonna kill this son of a bitch.
[Breathing heavily.]
Made it.
With ten second to spare.
Ticket's no good.
It's mutilated.
What? If you'd taped it together, I probably wouldn't have noticed.
Tough luck, guys.
We can still do that.
But now I would know, wouldn't I? Get out of here.
No! Ah, give me a quick pick.
Tough break, kiddo.
I'll think of you while we're making whoopee.
Hell, we'll name our first kid Mark.
How's that sound? [Laughing.]
[Screaming.]
This is for you, Callie.
[Camera snaps and whirs.]
All: April Fools! We got you.
We so got you.
[Laughing.]
- This is for you, Callie.
- [Laughing.]
[Stammering.]
You were all dead.
I saw you.
Nope.
All a prank.
None of it's true.
Meet Jeff Polyquinn, a homicidal maniac and occasional community theater actor that I busted last year.
You may have seen me as Tevye in the surf light theater's rendition of Fiddler.
I strangled the stage manager.
So you don't love this maniac.
In love? Pbbbt.
[Giggles.]
I never even met him before today.
You are so gullible.
I can't believe you didn't recognize my handwriting, Lilly.
Grimes told me if I helped him pull off the prank to end all pranks he'd release me.
I'm free, bitches.
Nope.
No, you're not.
What? All: April Fools! Didn't you think it was weird I had you escape instead of just releasing you? They'll add ten years to your sentence for that.
Double prank.
I'll kill you.
I'll kill all of you! Ha, ha.
Crazy people are so gullible.
Where are you going? Home.
Been a long day.
Fine, I'll admit this was a little cruel.
But something valuable did come out of it.
What? A picture of me about to murder someone that'll be papered around the office for years? Yes, but also I saw you really care about me more than anyone ever has.
You truly care about me.
Did you just choke up? Ha, never.
But can I say that your jealous side--a real turn on.
I don't have a ring, but I've got something better.
Harry Connick Jr's autograph.
Mark Lilly, will you get engaged to be engaged with me? After all this, I-- I just can't.
Callie, I'm sorry.
The answer's no.
What? April Fools.
Sometimes relationships need to be tested.
Wow, this guy's really upset.
The bad ones usually go nowhere.
- You're free to go.
- Really? You told me I'd rot in here.
[Laughing.]
But the good ones might just last forever.
Where to, you crazy kids? Buffalo wild wings.
It's all you can eat jalapeno poppers night.
I guess your heart isn't as small as you made it out to be.
Oh, it is.
There's only room in it for you.
Suck my balls!