Abbott Elementary (2021) s02e18 Episode Script

1
I know. I was like, "Mm!" You
don't have to make a decision.
Well?
Well, what?
What's with the hat?
Oh, this? It's nothing.
It's the loudest nothing I ever saw.
Boy, you just can't mosey
in here with a brand-new hat
and act like you're not
wearing a brand-new hat.
- Mm-hmm.
- Look, I'm trying something new, okay?
- Just take it easy.
- He's right, guys.
Come on, let's not go down this path.
It's ugly.
Kind of like that hat.
- I got this from a nice store.
- What store?
The one before you exit
the Al Capone Museum?
What's up, Gregory?
Did you just finish Bling
Ring-ing Bruno Mars' closet?
I'm being brave, okay?
You guys are sheep.
You may want to take a long,
hard look in the mirror.
Better us than you.
You look like a park ranger
from a cartoon, Booboo.
Do you think the hat looks bad?
Oh, uh, me?
Um, I I wouldn't say it was bad.
Like, I think it's just different,
like something you'd wear in "Indiana
Jones and the Temple of Bad Hats."
Fine.
I didn't like it that much, anyway.
There's only one place this hat belongs.
On my head.
- Wow.
- Okay.
- Now, that's fashion.
- That's right.
- That's the way it's supposed to look.
- That's hattitude.
Thank you.
Aww, I always needed a pencil.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
So, it's Teacher Appreciation
Week, which is fun.
It's a scam.
It's merely a way for the school
district to placate the teachers.
This Teacher Appreciation thing,
it's a bit of a show.
I mean, every year, I receive so many
of the perfume/lotion
gift boxes from the students,
but I have never received so much
as a $50 Buffalo Wild Wing
gift card from the district.
I got this.
- Funny.
- Yeah.
Well, I got this
very cool, handmade thing.
Well, it's really about the kids, so
Yeah, if it was about us,
we might actually
get something from the district.
Teacher Appreciation Week
was actually created
so that less teachers would quit. Hm.
That's why Mother's Day was invented,
so less moms would leave their families.
Gosh.
You better watch out ♪
You better not cry ♪
You better get ready to say,
"Thank you, Ava," ♪
And I'm 'bout to tell you why ♪
So shush.
I got you a gift from
the school district.
Can't wait to hear.
It's court-side seats
to your Philadelphia 76ers!
- Oh, my God.
- What?
Are you freaking kidding me?!
Oh, my God!
It's a Teacher Appreciation
Week miracle.
Thank you.
You came through again.
Who you pointing at? I'm right here.
Don't give Jesus my credit.
He didn't enter you
into the district-wide lottery.
I did that.
I did that.
Well, thank you, Ava.
This is so exciting.
I can't believe all the teachers
get to go see the Sixers together.
- All my jerseys
- Yeah!
It's only two tickets, though.
You know what?
I buried the lede. That's on me.
I just wanted to see
some energy in this place.
Anyway, yeah.
Only two tickets.
Bye.
Oh, hey, boys.
So, I'm throwing a game night
for my sister tomorrow.
Please be in because
I just bought a new SodaStream.
Oh, sick.
I have a surplus of CO2 cartridges.
- Is
- Not what you think.
I'm in. Yeah.
I doubt Gregory is
gonna want to, like
- Yeah.
- Oh, no, I'm in. What we doing?
Talking Risk, Rummikub, Taboo?
Oh, I love board games.
I'll play almost anything.
But I don't with Settlers of Catan.
My sister and I are
so excited to hang out,
and it's gonna be different now
because we're mature adults, you know?
But as far as my mom knows,
Ayesha is lost in the Rockies
somewhere, okay?
You guys ever seen that movie
"Into the Wild"?
For the eighth time, Janine, no.
Janine, that movie's nuts.
I need all teachers in
the library in two minutes.
We're gonna decide who's going
to get those tickets.
And can somebody bring me
a Sprite? From McDonald's.
Order! Order!
Look, there's only two tickets,
and there's at least
three of you, so we got
to figure this out.
Well, do we know if everybody
even wants the tickets?
It's not like we're
all native Philadelphians.
Ooh.
Well, the Sixers are playing Washington,
my favorite team, which
I never get a chance to see.
So some of us may want to go
more than anyone.
- Aw.
- Mm.
Alright, well, who does want to go?
Ooh. Okay. I got it.
Let's just give the tickets to Janine.
- Why?
- What? Really?
- Why?!
- Yeah, it's an obvious choice.
You don't have any friends,
and you can take me,
and we can just hope
to end up on one of those
"Pretend I Don't Know You" cams.
Okay, as flattering
as that proposition is,
my sister's actually in town,
so I'd be taking her.
Ugh, I forgot there's two of you.
Why don't we just pick names
out of a hat?
Do you think it's wise to be
bringing up hats, Gregory?
No, not the hat thing,
'cause whenever we do it,
it always goes to the person
who wants it least
and then they wind up selling it.
Yeah, like that time Daryl
got the eyelash extensions.
So, it's my fault I already have
naturally long,
luxurious lashes?
Okay, what about a good,
old-fashioned
Bare-knuckle fist fight.
Why do you have that? Relax.
I was gonna say vote.
I agree with Jacob
because I want to leave
and I regret getting myself
wrapped up in this.
Vote it is!
- That's not gonna work.
- It could work.
- It's not gonna work.
- It could work.
Anybody who doesn't want them,
vote for me.
- Welcome!
- Hi.
Hello. Good af Oh, good afternoon.
So, this is it!
It's awesome. It's really
Um, it's cozy.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- But cute cozy.
- Alright, so, tonight.
I was thinking maybe you and I
could have some natural wine.
It's like real wine, but it's natural.
And, um, after that, I made us
a reservation for Bone Town.
It's a really good place.
And then I was thinking we could
watch that "Sex and the City"
spin-off, "The Carrie Diaries."
Heard it's really good.
- Um, that all sounds awesome.
- Yeah.
But, um, I-I do have some plans
with some people later.
- Tonight?
- Yeah.
I mean, is that a problem?
Uh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not Not a problem.
Uh, I just thought maybe since
it was gonna be us here today,
I thought maybe we'd be hanging
out, maybe doing fun stuff.
- And we will together.
- Yeah.
Just not tonight, right?
'Cause I have plans with other people.
Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It just feels like,
you know, since you're staying here,
it feels like you would tell me
if you were gonna be leaving.
You should, uh, okay. Sorry, Mom.
I'll make sure to check in next time.
Please.
Like Mom ever cared
about where we were going.
Yeah, we really took advantage of that.
Yeah, you did.
Yeah, but that's cool about tonight.
Have fun with your friends.
But tomorrow night?
Tomorrow night is game night,
and you don't want to miss game night.
Feels like I couldn't,
even if I wanted to.
Which I don't.
I'm totally amped to play games.
Um, just not now, 'cause I'm gonna go.
Okay, you're going now. Okay. Have fun.
Okay, here is a ballot
with each of your names on it,
so that you can't cheat.
- Here you go.
- This says Jason. My name is Ja
I can't believe I
got wrangled into this.
It's making me feel bad for
those professional vote counters
for, like, mayor elections,
who have to do this every 10 years.
What?
And she doesn't even know
my freaking name.
- Just let it go, Jacob.
- Come on.
Just drop it.
Hey, how was night one with the sister?
Was it all sharing clothes
and fighting over the bathroom and
Um, no.
She already had plans, it turned out,
which is okay
because I technically
didn't ever tell her
we were hanging out. I just assumed,
and you know what they say
about assumptions.
- Yeah, they make a
- They're not reliable.
Not at all.
So, she is still coming to game night.
- So, you guys are still in, right?
- Oh, absolutely.
I've been scouring the boards
for all the new strategies.
Oh! Oh, see?
This is why we are best friends.
- Jacob.
- Yes!
You okay?
Barb, look at those two.
Look at them scheming.
Nothing good has ever come
from nerds whispering.
Us second-floor teachers
need to stick together.
Those first-floor people?
They don't truly understand us.
Well, I know you're just
trying to get my vote,
but I do think people
overlook our struggle.
Not only do we labor more physically
to get to our classes,
we have to endure
the quick-witted teens.
We deserve those tickets.
Oh, you can't be serious.
If anyone deserves the tickets, it's me.
- I'm teaching two classes at once.
- Hold on.
If we're talking about
who deserves the tickets,
the answer is obvious
The most tenured teacher.
So, you mean you?
With all due respect,
I think the tickets
should go to the MVP.
You know, the young star
who gives everyone faith
in the franchise again.
Or the tickets could go
to the most improved player
Someone who sacrificed other
goals to focus on this one.
Someone young,
someone driven, someone
- Handsome.
- You know what?
Yeah! Yeah, okay, bub.
You haven't been a real teacher
for even a year yet.
No, he has not.
If I may interject,
I would say that teaching
second grade is no picnic.
Didn't I see your class having
a literal picnic the other day?
Didn't I see your class
watching "Lego Batman"?
I don't know what y'all smoking,
but if you was to take my health class,
you wouldn't be smoking anything.
I'll have you drug-, tobacco-,
and vape-free, like all of our students,
which is why I deserve the tickets.
I have the most important job
in this school.
I set the tone for the rest
of their academic careers.
Okay, I think that "most important"
- is a little bit extreme.
- Thank you.
Okay, let's take a deep breath
before we say something we don't mean.
- Oh, shut up, haircut.
- Oh!
I mean, teaching kindergarten
The most important, Barb?
All youse do is teach five-year-olds
how to use safety scissors.
And maybe if your kindergarten teacher
had done a better job,
you would know that "youse"
is not plural for "you."
Oh, somebody swing!
Alright, looks like
all the votes are in,
and somehow no one got molly-whopped.
Hey, did you vote for me?
What matters is that I voted.
Jacob, you know I want
to take my sister,
and Tyrese Maxey is my hall pass.
Janine, it's not called
a hall pass when you're single.
Hey, everybody, shh.
I'm about to announce the winner.
Drum roll, please.
And the winner is
Mr. Johnson.
Put some respect on my name!
Ha! Ha-ha! I demand a recount.
Ranked-choice voting would have
been inherently much fairer.
He's not even a real teacher.
You know how many classes I subbed?
Why y'all mad? You all voted for him.
I didn't think he'd win.
I just voted for him 'cause I
was annoyed with everyone else.
Well, you know what?
You two might not have tickets
to the NBA,
but you do have floor seats to the JGA.
Janine Game-Night Association.
And And there'll be floor seats
because you'll probably
be sitting on the floor.
It's gonna be fun, and it's BYOBG.
Bring your own beer garden?
- Bubble gum?
- Baby giraffe?
- Big Gulp.
- Brittney Griner!
- Black Gregory?
- What? No.
Bring Your Own Board Game. Real simple.
- Yeah.
- Look, see you both there.
Okay, okay.
But then, after the concert was over,
we snuck back into Red Rocks,
waited for everybody to leave,
stayed till the next morning,
and watched the eclipse.
Ooh.
That sounds so firggin awesome.
Yeah.
Which makes this a lot harder.
I totally own all your water rights now.
Ba-boom!
Oh, it's me.
Ooh! It's okay, I have a vacuum.
Um
I'm sorry, am Am I the only one
who doesn't understand
how this game works?
No, Jacob is the only one who does.
- Okay.
- Come on.
Nobody plays Drought?
It's the most award-winning
independent board game out.
We ain't got no other games?
Uh, no.
Yeah, I'm gonna need a drink.
You want one of those hard
ciders you liked at my party?
Actually, I made a pre-mixed
signature cocktail.
It's called a short island iced tea.
Yeah, I was short on
ingredients when I made it,
so it's mostly just Coke
and ice, but it's pretty good.
I also have a signature cocktail.
I actually learned it in Denver.
- Oh.
- It's called beer.
Okay.
I'll take one of those.
Your sister is so cool.
Yeah, she's pretty chill.
Yeah. She is cool and chill.
I think it runs in the family.
Like, that's what people
used to tell us.
Okay, Ta-da.
- Thank you.
- Ready.
Alright, it's your turn, Ayesha.
Oh, okay. This one means
I either stay and provide water
to the land I'm at,
or I get to take all the water
- I have and bounce, right?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, cool. I am bouncing.
Well, now that means
I have to provide water
for all of Asia, so
Sucks to be you, Janine.
But the point of this game
is to survive,
and you can't do that if you're
taking care of everybody else, so
Shocking.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing. Just
Didn't sound like nothing, so
Then maybe it was something.
Uh, I think it's my turn, actually.
No, I think my sister
has something she wants to say.
I'm just saying that it's not
surprising to me
that when things got tough
for you in Asia,
you just took your water and bounced,
and now I'm left to ration everything.
Oh, no, actually, you have used
up all your rationing chips.
Okay, well, I didn't choose to
start in an arid, doomed biome.
And yet, other people accepted
the responsibility
of making do in a dry climate.
They didn't just leave.
Yeah, well, I know a lost cause
when I see one,
and I didn't want to waste my time.
That's because you abandon people,
and it's nice to finally
hear you say it out loud.
Excuse me.
- Where are you going?
- I don't know.
Ayesha!
Now, this is the game that I came for.
I think Janine may be holding on
to a little tension from
- Childhood?
- Absolutely.
This about stuff from her childhood?
Ayesha.
Ayesha!
What the hell is your problem?
You are staying at my house,
but you just drop
your stuff off and leave,
'cause you do whatever you want to do,
Ayesha, and leave
the good people of Asia
to fend for themselves.
Can you please quit
it with the metaphor?
It is so childish.
Oh, oh, okay. I'm childish.
Really?
Who ran and hid?
You just left.
You leave when things get hard.
You always have.
Oh, my God.
People move from
their hometowns all the time.
- It's not about that.
- But you know what?
My fault.
My fault for not staying
like good, perfect Janine.
That's on me.
- You're right.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
If the sea levels are rising,
should I
I know there's a solution afoot.
I just gotta nab it.
So
I heard the teachers'
conference was fun.
That is an understatement.
Did Janine tell you
about all the swag we got?
Oh, how are you on pens?
Oh, I'm good on pens.
You know how much dealing with Mom is,
but you got to leave and go to Colorado
and be cool and interesting.
Meanwhile,
I am still here,
dealing with her by myself.
Do you know how hard it was for me here?
Yes, I know how hard it is here,
because I'm still here.
But you aren't me.
- You went to Penn, Janine.
- Oh, my God.
You went to Penn, and I am am st
To date, the only person
who's been fired
from the Eastern State
Penitentiary's haunted house.
- That's bad. That's not good.
- Ayesha, what does that
What does that have to do with anything?
Everything!
People had hopes for you,
and they gave up on me.
Ayesha.
You had it together.
I didn't, and I couldn't get it
together when Mom
When the person who needed me the most
was the most disappointed in me.
Yeah, fine, then. I couldn't take it.
I couldn't handle it, so I ran.
I left.
Janine
I am sorry.
I get why you
left Mom.
I do.
It just kind of felt
like you left me, too.
I don't want to rush you, Janine,
but if you don't make a move soon,
all your water's gonna
become non-potable.
That basically means, like
Yeah, no, we know what it means, Jacob.
No, we know what it means.
- We know what it means.
- Thank you.
Why don't we go back to the game?
Yeah, okay.
Come on.
Ooh, it feels like a reunion show
for an absolute mess of
a "Housewives" season in here.
Ladies and Gentleladies,
your courtside ticket winner,
Mr. Johnson.
So, um, who you thinking about
taking with you to the game tonight?
I'm bringing Dr. J.
- You know Julius Erving?
- Who?
No, Dr. Jamar Cameron, my podiatrist.
- Oh, come on.
- Oh, I get it.
Now I'm the bad guy,
just because I'm rich.
Look what happens when
the district offers us
less than what we need.
Melissa, I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry, Barb.
See, we usually help each
other out, and this time,
we went after each other
like a bunch of peasants
being tossed a single ham from a wagon.
Yeah, I-I was gonna say that
we forgot we were a team,
but that was beautiful, too, I guess.
Remember when the district said
they would get us a projector
- for every room, and they sent one?
- Mm-hmm.
We're pretty good at sharing it, though.
Which reminds me, Janine,
I need it back.
Okay.
You know, I should apologize, too.
I know keeping those kids off the pipe
is only a small piece of what we do.
Mr. Morton, I accept your apology.
I have nothing to apologize for.
I said I accept.
Have a good day, girls.
Damn, she looks like
the grown-up version of you,
like if your proportions
were stretched out
- to a normal length.
- Haha, we get it, Ava. I'm short.
It's just science, girl.
Don't be mad about facts.
Wh
- Hey.
- Hi.
What's up?
Uh, yeah. I came through.
I didn't even realize you knew
where I worked.
I mean, yeah, it's, like,
the biggest part of your life.
I do listen, you know?
Cool.
It's very Janine in here.
- Yeah.
- I mean that in a good way.
Didn't know there was a bad way
to mean it.
Ahh.
Has Mom ever been here?
That's crazy. Do you hear yourself?
Yeah.
I guess things have always been
a little rocky
in our family, so
Hey, you think that's why
you moved to the Rockies?
'Cause of the
Hey, could you help me out
with something?
I don't think comedy is something
you can teach, you know?
I feel like it's more something innate.
You know what? I was talking
about that projector.
I need help taking it back
to Gregory's room.
- It's a little heavy.
- Oh, thank God.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Mrs. Howard, I forgot to give you this.
Is it too late?
Oh, sweetheart, perfect timing.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You know, even after all of
these years as a teacher,
I still have to stop and remind
myself why I'm still here.
It's not my paycheck,
certainly not the perks
from the people who sign it,
it's about the people who show
up here every blessed day
The dedicated teachers
and the wonderful students.
That's what I love most
about the lotion.
When I put it on, it reminds me
that this school, my peers,
these students We're all we have,
and we all appreciate
each other so much.
Although, a $50
Buffalo Wild Wing gift card
wouldn't hurt anybody.
Ava, you need to see this.
What's this? From the district?
"Principal Coleman, we are
writing to inform you
that the petition to change
Abbott Elementary
into a Legendary Charter
will be coming in front of
the school board in"
Hey, Philly, it's
time for our 30-second quiz,
where one fan has a chance
to win $1,000.
Here we go.
Alright, fans, I'm here with
What's your name, sir?
Mr. Johnson.
Okay, Mr. Johnson, do you
want to play our 30-second quiz
for a chance to win $1,000?
Put some time on the clock, Christian.
Okay.
In 30 seconds, can you name
10 cleaning products?
They gave you $1,000?
And a $50 gift card
to Buffalo Wild Wings.
Oh.