According To Jim s02e18 Episode Script

The reigning 2002 Wiffle golf champion lines up his shot.
With the winds today, the hole should play left to right.
All right, I'm thinking about using a four iron.
Maybe a five.
What do you think, Ruby? I don't know.
I'm five.
Good pick.
Ruby, you're fired.
Yay! The champ addresses the ball.
Ooh! I think he's gonna be very happy with that.
All right, we're going to the mall, you coming? Uh, yeah, I'm not gonna be doing that.
Oh, that's right, you're cleaning out the garage today.
Yeah, I'm not gonna be doing that either.
I don't know why I even ask anymore.
I don't even know why you get out of bed anymore.
Oh.
All right, kiss goodbye.
Honey, honey, honey, I got a birdie coming up.
I'll get you on the back nine.
This, for 13 under par and the lead.
Kyle, take note here.
You're gonna be caddying next year.
Ooh! I like this better than real golf.
Half the walking, twice the beer.
Care to join me in the clubhouse? - Mmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, baby! Dana, think about what you're saying.
You want to have all three of my kids for a sleepover? Oh, Cheryl, it'll be fine.
I hired a nanny for the night.
What? Well, yeah, I can't bond with them when I'm busy feeding them and giving them baths.
You really got that maternal instinct thing down.
Yeah, I do.
Don't I? Besides, it'll give you a nice break.
Hey, you wanna give me a break, take Jim for the night.
Yeah, like I wanna have him on my new rug.
Oh, my God! Hey! Cheryl, no! Hey! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Are you all right? - Yeah.
- No, I'm fine.
Yeah.
I'm Okay.
Yeah.
Look at you.
You can't drive.
All right, you do it.
I can't drive.
I'll just call Jim.
No! No, no! You can't call Jim.
He'll freak out.
But Cheryl, we have to do something.
No! No! We're just gonna sit here until we calm down.
Oh! Oh, honey.
Oh, honey.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay.
I think the sponge cake I had for dessert cushioned the blow.
What's wrong with you? What? I'm fine.
No, no, no, no, no.
Yes.
Ever since you came back from the mall you've been acting a little weird.
No.
Come on.
Oh, wait a second.
I know what's going on here.
Did Mommy spend a little too much of Daddy's money? You want a little knee with that elbow, Jim? Oh, you must have spent a lot, didn't you? Was it more than $20? No.
No.
Will you let it go? Come on, Cheryl.
I work hard for my money.
I wanna know I got robbed! Okay? I knew it.
Did you valet park? Jim, I got robbed.
I got mugged.
What? Are you all right? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Why the hell didn't you tell me? What happened? Well, I was just I was just walking to my car and this guy ran up behind me and he grabbed my purse.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What did the security guard do? What did the police say? I didn't call the police 'cause I got my purse back.
How? Well, I I kind of chased after the guy and I tackled him and I got it back.
I'm gonna brush my teeth.
What, are you crazy? Well, I I wasn't thinking.
Well, you could have gotten killed.
The adrenaline just sort of took me and I Cheryl, what if he fought back? What if he had a gun? Well, he didn't.
Yeah, well, he could've.
And you know what, you could be in a hospital right now, or worse, you'd be in a morgue.
Will you calm down? I am not gonna calm down here.
You talk about being a responsible parent all the time, and you go do this? You know, you're supposed to be the smart one out of the two of us.
Do you see why I didn't tell you? I knew you'd overreact.
I am not overreacting.
What are you doing? I'm gonna go kick some ass.
Jim, you don't even know what he looks like.
It doesn't matter, Cheryl.
Who cares? It's after midnight.
The streets are full of scum.
Would you calm down? You're not going anywhere.
Oh, yeah? From now on, neither are you, unless I'm right by your side.
You go right, I go right.
You go left, I go left.
You go squiggly, I go squiggly.
All right.
All right, Jim, I get it, and it's insane.
What are you gonna do? Follow me around for the rest of my life? If I have to, yes.
Okay, no.
No, honey, you're not.
You're not.
No.
You're gonna go to work tomorrow and I'm gonna do my stuff just like any other day.
Now, come on, sweetie, let's go to bed.
Oh, please, Cheryl.
You think you're getting sex after this? I was talking about sleeping.
I can't sleep now.
I can't sleep now! Oh, come on, honey.
Look, I made a mistake.
I did.
It will never happen again.
Okay? Look, the important thing is I'm fine.
And I am.
So, come on.
Get a good night's sleep, it won't look so bad in the morning.
Come on.
Well, all right.
But I am not done talking about this.
Okay.
Oh, Cheryl, I'm sorry.
You've been through a lot today.
Mmm.
I just think it's cruel to deny you sex.
Looks like the streets are a little bit safer now, huh? What do you say to that, dirtbag? Ma'am, you left your credit card at the register.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Jerk.
Hey, hey, you shouldn't be running around in parking lots.
Yeah.
Talk about being in the right place at the right time, huh? Oh, yeah, oh, right there.
Man, I didn't realize how sore I'd gotten tackling that mugger.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, my turn.
Oh.
I don't feel like it.
Hey, I massage your back, you massage mine.
That was the agreement.
Yeah, I'm not gonna honor it.
Cheryl, oh, Cheryl.
Oh, honey, oh, I'm so glad you're home.
What? Hey, I stubbed my toe on the fridge earlier.
Would you knock it down and beat it senseless for me? Cheryl.
Very funny.
Very funny.
And I thought we talked about this.
I overreacted and I'm fine now.
Andy, thanks for watching Cheryl.
Your shift is over.
No, problem, buddy.
I'd like to get that Oh, yeah, I'm not gonna give you that.
You know, you two are perfect for each other.
Sit down.
Sit down, honey.
All right, I've been thinking, and you know what? I know that I cannot follow you around all day.
No.
And even if I could, that would be "wrong.
" Yes.
I know that now.
I understand that.
Thanks to a phone call from the attorney of the guy I tackled.
Well, honey, I'm very proud of you.
Looks like you really thought this through.
Yes, I did.
And you know what? I found a way to make peace with it.
Really? Yes.
Cheryl, meet your new bodyguards, Gunter and Fritz.
Oh, dear God.
What's the matter? I have half a roast beef sandwich in my pocket.
You bought two German shepherds to protect me? I didn't buy them.
They're rentals.
They're good, too.
Roger Ebert had them for a while.
They're very gentle.
But you're gonna have to learn German.
What? "German" shepherds? Their native tongue? Here.
I got a cheat sheet.
No.
Shut up! Quiet! Doggies.
Doggies! Hey! Stop it.
Nobody move.
Cheryl, they're perfectly safe.
Gracie, come over here and give Gunter a little kiss on the lips.
Gracie, no.
Hey, guess what, girls? Your sleepover at Aunt Dana's is gonna start a little early.
Hey, take them to a movie.
Okay.
I want to see Candy Ponies in Rainbow Land.
Oh, you know what, I saw that last night.
But we could go shoe shopping.
Come on.
She's lying.
You know what, um, I'm gonna head out, too.
What are you doing? I'll introduce myself later when my pants are meat-free.
Hey, they're cute, huh? Watch this.
Gunter, bang! See.
How about that? Clean family fun.
And razor-sharp choppers, too.
Look at that.
Look at that.
No, no, no, I want these monsters out of my house.
Cheryl, just try them for 24 hours.
If you haven't bonded with them by then, I'll get rid of them.
Jim Come on, it's a better deal than I got with Andy and Dana.
Oh! Oh! Hey, were you bonding with the boys? No, it's creepy.
I feel like a prisoner.
Does that make you hot? No.
You know what? You're gonna sleep better tonight than you have in years.
Not that sleeping is on the itinerary for this evening.
What's that? Cheryl, we've been married for 11 years, if you don't know by now - Honey.
- I heard that.
What are you doing? My job.
Secure this household.
Protect you.
Protect the family.
I am Homeland Security.
Okay, I'm gonna get Gunter, and I'm gonna leave Fritz for you.
Okay.
All right.
Attack command.
Attack command.
Shouldn't I know the attack command? Yes.
Yes.
Okay, here.
Got it? Got it? Yeah.
Don't forget it.
Stay here.
Stay right here.
Fritz, could you watch my wife, please? So, uh, Roger Ebert, what's he like? Okay.
Did I leave that window open? You know, you live in this country now.
You should learn the language.
Yes, I did.
Okay, come on.
Oh.
What was that? Holy crap! Jim! This way.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Whoa! Cheryl, the bathroom, the bathroom! Cheryl.
Cheryl.
Cheryl.
What are you doing down here? I told you to stay in the room.
I got scared.
What do you mean, scared? I left you with a savage attack dog.
Oddly, I was not comforted by that.
We're fine.
We're gonna be fine.
As soon as I give them the release command they're gonna instantly turn into teddy bears.
Do it.
It's upstairs on the list in the bedroom, isn't it? You know, you really should redo this grout.
How can you talk about grout when the only thing between us and the jaws of death is the cheapest door I could find? How long has it been? Two hours and 15 minutes.
You think they're gone? No, Cheryl, we gave them the attack command.
Their only mission in life is to tear us apart.
Would you check? I told you we should have gotten a phone in the bathroom.
If we had a phone we could have called Roger Ebert.
Or the police? Oh, now you wanna call the police? Cheryl, if I would have just gone to the mall with you that day, we wouldn't be here right now.
It happened.
It's over.
Can you let it go? How can you be so okay about this? I am not.
I'm terrified.
I'm terrified, Jim.
I have to go to that mall all the time, and I'm scared every time I pull into the parking garage.
What am I gonna do? Not go to the mall? Yes, I was Not gonna happen.
Jim, come on.
I gotta go on with my life and so do you.
I know, Cheryl.
But What? I don't know.
Nothing.
Oh, Jim, come on, it's not like we're going anywhere.
Tell me.
It's the first time that I actually considered the possibility that What? That you could die before me.
Oh, honey.
I know, but I mean, if something ever happened to you, honey, I would start crying and I could never stop.
Aw I mean, you know what? I didn't even kiss you that day.
You know that? And that could have been the last time I saw you.
Oh, honey, I know.
I know.
I think about that stuff too, and sometimes it really freaks me out.
But, you know what, sweetie, we just can't dwell on that.
We really We need to enjoy the time we have here together.
Okay? Mmm.
You just kissed me on the toilet.
You said you would never do that.
Special circumstances.
Well, what would happen if suddenly I was just out of the picture? What would you do? How would you support yourself? Living trust.
Well, that's good.
You're prepared.
How long would you A year.
And who would Andrew.
My yoga instructor.
He's gay.
He's so not gay.
Cheryl, if you wanna continue going to that yoga class, he's gay.
All right, how about you? You must have somebody picked out.
Well, I don't dwell on it, but I think it would have to be Melissa Stark from Monday Night Football.
Okay.
Or that girl with the big knockers at the Buy & Bag.
Oh, please! Those are so fake! They're not fake.
Jim.
You wanna keep going to the Buy & Bag, they're fake.
Okay, they're fake.
So, here we are.
I can't follow you around.
No.
Gotta get rid of the dogs.
Yes.
And you insist on leaving the house.
Yes.
What am I supposed to do? Same thing I do every time you bite into a chili dog.
Look the other way and hope for the best.
Yeah.
I should really give those things up but I know I'm not gonna.
Gracie.
She does this all the time.
She takes one bite and she throws it away.
No, honey, don't eat that.
No, no, I'm What are you doing? Getting us out of here.
What? Remember this allergy medicine that you took? Yeah.
Remember how it knocked you out for half a day? Yeah.
It'll do the same thing to the dogs.
Oh.
Oh, oh, honey.
Is that much okay for them? Honey, they are trying to kill us.
I think I'm being nice.
Okay.
Don't worry about it.
Well, okay.
It's just gonna knock them out.
They won't die.
Okay, careful.
Okay.
It'll take about 15 minutes for it to kick in.
Oh, honey.
We got 15 minutes.
I know.
What do we do with the other 10? Oh! This is Harry Carey.
Holy cow, Stoney.
Saturday afternoon, Wrigley Field.
Got a couple of fans in the crowd doing the wave.
Who would have thought this kid from the wheat fields of Illinois could give the Cubs their first World Series championship in 95 years? Outside toy! Outside toy! All right.
We're going to the mall to replace the vase that Gracie broke at Aunt Dana's.
- Oh.
- I know.
I hope they didn't keep you up all night.
Oh, are you kidding? It was the nanny's problem.
I was in bed by 9:00.
Oh, Cheryl, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What? Wait a minute.
Before you go.
Oh.
Here.
Emergency whistle.
Put it in your pocket.
Pepper spray.
Spray them right in the eyes.
And, here, nail gun.
Jim! Come on, honey.
Will you just take it with you? I want you to be safe.
I'm not bringing a nail gun.
All right, I'll keep it for myself.
Okay.
Wait a minute.
What? You forgot the most important thing.
If this goes on much longer, can I have the nail gun? Aw! I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
Bye.
Bye.
The count remains full as lover boy digs into the play.
Let's hope his mind is back on the game and off the kissy-kissy.
Cubs win! Yes, Cubs win! Cubs win! Thank you, Uncle Andy.
We love you.
Oh, I love you too, girls.
Okay, time's up.
Uncle Andy's turn.
Sucker! Sucker! I can't believe this family! Okay, I'll do it.
Thank you.
At least there's one other decent person around here.
Can you do me first? Sure, no problem.
Okay.