All In The Family s02e18 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days don't sit under the apple tree with anybody else but me no, no, no, no, no with anybody else but me no, no, no, no, no, no - with anybody else but me no, no - Michael? Hey, ma, have you seen Michael? Oh, Gloria, you won't believe this.
He and Archie went out together.
Mother, no.
Without adult supervision? [ Chuckling .]
Archie was out of cigars, and he asked Mike To take a walk with him down to the store.
Oh, Gloria, it was wonderful.
Archie was laughing.
And he said he was taking a walk with his favorite son-in-law.
Daddy said that? And it's all thanks to pee wee Reese.
Who's pee wee Reese? Oh, some football player.
I think they called him pee wee because he was a short stop.
No, ma, that's "shortstop.
" So the game was baseball.
Oh, well, anyway, Archie was having an argument with Mr.
mcnab About who was the best shortstop ever, and Mike said that mcnab was wrong and Archie was right, and that was the start of a beautiful friendship.
That's great, but I wonder how long it's gonna last.
Keep away from me, meathead.
Shutting the door in my face is not gonna change things.
Shutting the mouth in your face might help.
All right.
What's happened? What happened? You wanna know what happened? He saw what happened.
I didn't see nothing.
Now stay off my back.
How would you like it if you were Tony? Well, I ain't Tony.
Tony who? Tony vicino.
The shoemaker? I thought you went out to get cigars.
That's right.
I went out just to do a little peaceful shopping.
With your favorite son-in-law.
Stifle that.
Why don't you admit it? You saw it.
I didn't see no muggin'.
Tony mugged somebody? No, Edith.
Tony wasn't the mugger.
He was the "muggee.
" Yeah.
Yeah, and Archie was right there, and he says he didn't see it.
Archie, it is your duty as a citizen to come forward and be a witness.
That's okay for students and the unemployed, which in your case is one and the same thing.
I happen to be a working man.
I don't get paid if I turn up for work absent.
Oh, you hear that reasoning? "I'll do the right thing if they pay me.
" If you're a witness in one of these things, you know what you gotta do? Put on a shirt and tie.
You gotta go down to court, wait for that case to be called up, which who knows when.
Then by the time it gets called up, you forget what you was gonna say, some lawyer makes a monkey out of you, and it all goes down on your record.
So because of a little inconvenience, you don't want to get involved.
Listen, let me explain something to you, huh? Shut up! You hear that, Gloria? What are you looking at? You see? That's how he settles everything.
Michael, calm down.
We don't know what's going on.
Tell us what happened.
Archie and I went into the deli-- just a minute.
I'll tell it.
You better tell the truth.
Forget the truth.
Listen to me.
The two of us went down to the deli, see? To get that six-pack and some cigars for me.
Now, this guy is yapping so much about baseball that I leave the shop, and I'm halfway down the street, and I see I'm all out of cigars.
I left them on the counter back there.
So I ran back to get them.
Will you let me tell the story? So he runs back to get them.
So I'm standing there on the street, and all of a sudden, someone-- I don't know who-- jumps Tony vicino, the shoemaker, when he's closing up his little joint and steals his cash box.
- Now, that's the story.
- Except that Archie was there, and he saw the whole thing.
Listen, my being there don't prove nothing.
I was in Italy during the war.
That don't mean I seen mussolini.
That's right.
Archie would've told us if he'd seen mussolini.
Don't help me, huh, Edith? Aren't you always the one who's saying that it's a jungle out there? It's gonna get worse until somebody stands up and says, "I saw.
" How can you be so certain daddy saw the mugging? Will you stay out of this, please? Hold it.
She's making sense.
A man ought to listen to his wife.
- Archie-- - dry up.
Archie, you know you saw it! How do you know what I know? You don't even know what you know, schoolboy.
That's what makes you a meathead! And you're a dumb polack! Huh? Huh? You see? How does it feel when the shoe's on the other foot? Not too good, huh? You don't like it, huh? It bothers you, huh? Well, you're a dumb polack! [ Forced laughter .]
You belong in a rubber room.
He's sick.
You better put him to bed.
Did you hear that? Let me out of here.
Archie, what is this all about? Did you ever hear anything like that in your life? Yeah, lots of times, right here.
He must've learned it from you.
Now, you stifle yourself.
He's got some hell of a nerve telling me that I gotta be a witness.
You can't be a witness if you didn't see nothing.
That's it, Edith.
That's it.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome, Archie.
But if you did see something-- now, wait a minute.
Whose side are you gonna be on? Yours, Archie.
I know you'll do the right thing.
Just ask yourself, what do you feel in your heart? Heartburn, Edith! Now find me some bicarbonate soda.
Right away.
I don't care what you say, Michael.
It was a rotten thing to do.
I'm sorry, all right? I shouldn't have said that to his face.
- It was stupid and uncalled-for.
- All right! I said I was sorry.
What more do you want? I'm sorry I said that to him, and I'm sorry I was happy when his face turned purple.
All right, Michael.
I understand.
You lost your temper.
But that's no reason to call daddy a liar.
Gloria, I'm telling you, Archie saw Tony being mugged! You didn't see him see it, did you? Well, no, but-- then don't go around accusing people.
You're not always right.
You could be wrong, you know.
It is possible.
You could be wrong.
Just once I'd like to hear you say, "I could be wrong.
" All right.
I could be wrong.
Good.
But not this time.
[ Phone ringing .]
Hello! Excuse me.
Hello.
Just a minute, please.
Daddy, it's for you! [ Archie .]
Who is it? Mrs.
vicino! Geez, I don't wanna talk to her.
Did you tell her I was here? Take a message.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
vicino.
He can't speak to you at the moment.
May I please take a message? Shh, shh, shh! Oh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
All right, Mrs.
vicino.
Yes, I'll ask him.
Yeah.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
- What? What? What? - Daddy, Mrs.
vicino wants to know When you're going to the police station and tell them what you saw.
You put a lid on that, little girl.
I told you I didn't see nothing.
- Daddy, you're lying.
- How dare you say your father is lying! Because Mr.
vicino said that you were there and saw everything.
[ Groans .]
Archie, is that true? Listen, how could that shoemaker be sure of what he's seen, after he fell down on the sidewalk and bumped his noggin there? You saw, arch.
You saw.
If I was you, I couldn't live with myself.
Well, you ain't living with yourself.
You're living with me.
Michael, I apologize.
You were right.
Daddy, you lied to us! Listen, it ain't lying to try to protect yourself and your family.
What? If anything happened to me, this meathead couldn't keep you in bubblegum.
Oh, come off that bull, arch.
What could happen? It was just an ordinary mugging.
"An ordinary little mugging," that's all.
What do you know? I was there.
You didn't see nothing.
I seen it.
Suppose I was to tell you that that was done by two mugs in blue silk suits Riding in the back of a big sedan that comes screeching up to the curb? Come on, arch.
What are you trying to hand us? That's right.
There was a big black, probably bulletproof Cadillac or something.
Big bulletproof Cadillac? That's right.
You was in the store, and you never seen it.
Daddy, are you trying to tell us they were gangsters? Listen, little girl, did you ever stop to think of the kind of a name vicino is? Tony vicino? Antonio vicino? That's a nice name, Archie.
It's musical.
Antonio vicino stop that.
Stop that.
Stop that.
Stop that! Stop that! Stop that! What I'm trying to tell you is That that is an Italian name-- vicino.
It's worse than that.
It's a sicilian-Italian name.
Are you trying to tell us that the mafia is mixed up in this? Bingo, buddy.
That's what I'm trying to protect me and my family against.
I wanna tell you something.
Them sicilians is famous for two things-- spaghetti and revenge.
[ Doorbell buzzing .]
Don't answer that door.
Get away from that door.
I don't want you talking to nobody.
Now, stay over there.
Mr.
bunker? Aw, geez.
Listen, I know what you're here for, and I didn't see nothing.
May I come in? I'd just like to ask you a few questions anyway.
All right.
If you wanna, come on.
I'll tell you up front that I ain't no-- what do you call-- a witness to that there event.
That's right, officer.
Archie said he didn't see no muggin'.
He didn't see nothin', except a big bulletproof Cadillac from the mafia.
Aw, geez! I think maybe you'd better come with me down to the precinct And make a complete statement to the detectives.
Wait a minute, officer.
I'll tell you how I couldn't have see nothin'.
The mugger was over here, see? I'm facing in this direction here.
You're facing in that direction.
That's right.
You know, like they say, position is nine-tenths of the law.
Huh? Yeah.
See, the reason I'm doing that is there's a wind coming from this way.
I'm standing facing this way so I can light one of my cigars.
Back here you said you were out of cigars.
So what were you lighting? - Who said I was out of cigars? - You did, arch.
You told them I went to get the cigars.
You wanna get your coat, Mr.
bunker? Archie will be right back, Mr.
vicino.
Sit down, won't you? Oh, Archie will be so glad you're here.
He was at the police station last night for three hours.
What a guy, huh? A person like your Archie Makes you feel real good to belong to the human race.
Yeah, maybe one of these days we'll get him to join it.
Nah, you young fellows can take a lesson from Mr.
bunker.
Get involved.
I suppose that's why daddy took so long at the police station, 'cause he was so involved.
Oh, sure.
He said the police made him look through 15 books of pictures, but none of them looked like the two men.
Two men? In silk suits.
- And a big car.
- What big car? Is that what he told the cops? [ Blubbers .]
It's as cold out there as a well-digger's butt.
Hey, bunker.
- Vicino, what are you doing here? - Mr.
vicino came over To thank you for going to the police.
Oh.
Well, I'm glad for your-- what do you call-- gratification and all that, but I was only doing my duty.
And drop in some other time.
Now, wait a minute.
What's this about a big car and two guys? There was only one guy.
Hey, what did you say? He said he was just leaving.
No, wait a second.
No car? Just one guy? No car.
Just one lousy punk.
Here.
I'll show you.
He comes around behind me and grabs me like this, see? Yeah.
I can see his leather jacket, but I can't see his face.
But I can see bunker standing there, staring right at me and the mugger.
- Then you did see it.
- You stay out of this.
Do your homework or something, huh? The kid's right.
You saw.
I know you saw.
Aw, you ain't got no witnesses to that.
He knows you saw.
Oh, why are you dragging him into this? He sees everything.
He knows everything we do.
Get out of here.
You don't really believe that.
Yes, I do! Then how come youse people are always running to confession, telling him what's happening? - Daddy, you shouldn't say that.
- No, let him.
Let him.
Now we're getting the truth.
It's because I'm catholic that you ain't helping me.
That ain't the truth.
I'd say the same thing Even if you belonged to the right church.
Aha! Oh! Garlic, 100 proof.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
What? What? Oh, boy, oh, boy! What? What? Michael, look at that.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy! "Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!" Come on.
What is it? Read it, Gloria.
"Mafia execution attempt.
Yesterday in queens, "members of the syndicate allegedly made an unsuccessful attempt On the life of shoe repairman, Tony vicino.
" Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Don't you "oh, boy.
" Go stand over by them.
The mafia! Now you're tying me in with the mafia! Me! Wait a minute.
Listen to this.
"Two mobsters in blue silk suits were seen speeding from the crime By a Mr.
Archie bunker of 704 hauser street.
" Mama Mia, the mafia! That's big trouble.
Yeah, and Archie's the one who's in it.
Huh? You know what you've done, arch? You've fingered the mafia.
What are you talking about? You know how many people are reading that? You know what the circulation of that paper is? Will you stifle yourself.
[ Phone ringing .]
Answer the phone.
I don't want to talk.
I don't even want to know who it is.
Hello.
I can't get over it.
Only two men in history have ever fingered the mafia-- Joe villacci and now Archie bunker.
[ Laughing .]
What's so funny? What are you laughing about? Maybe you tying me in with the mafia is gonna cost me some business, but you know what it's gonna cost you? [ Mimics slashing sound .]
I don't have to tie you in with the mafia.
You was born Italian.
I didn't tell you to do that.
For every gangster, there are millions of hard-working, honest Italian people.
Dummy up.
He's right.
How would you like it if I say just because you're stupid, all bunkers are stupid? Stupid bunker.
Stupid bunker.
Stupid bunker.
Stupid bunker number one.
Now, that ain't right.
Isn't it better if I say, "nice bunker, nice bunker, nice bunker, stupid bunker"? Don't you like that better? Why don't you sit down, Mr.
vicino? I'll make some coffee.
Coffee? What do you mean, coffee? I ain't running a diner here.
Who was that on the phone? I thought you said you didn't wanna talk to nobody.
That was before.
I wanna know who it was.
I don't want to be kept ignorant.
I don't think you can change at your age, arch.
[ Laughing .]
Pipe down and dummy up, meathead.
Now, who was that? It was a Mr.
Ralph silvestri.
He's coming over to talk to you.
Well, who is Mr.
silvestri? He said he was from the pro-italia society.
Oh, good night! Nice, Edith.
Don't you know what that is? What are you worried about? It's just an Italian antidefamation group.
It's just another cover name for the mafia.
That's all it is.
You told silvestri I'm here, Edith? Don't you know what that means? The guy'll be probably coming over here to give me one of them eternal kisses.
Why don't you leave town? We can tell him you went to visit your godfather.
I don't think Archie has a godfather.
Edith, go to bed, will you? But it's still morning.
Then sit down here! How am I gonna convince them mafia torpedoes it's all a mistake? Why don't you try telling the truth? Wait a minute.
I got an idea.
Hey, vicino, you're Italian.
That's a-what my mama told me.
All right.
Now, look, you gotta talk to these guys, you see? I mean, they'll understand you.
You know their lingo.
You know their hand signals and everything there.
There's only one hand signal I know for the spot you're in.
What's that? Aw, cut that out! Vicino, be serious.
Listen, you gotta tell the mafia that it wasn't them who did that muggin'.
They'll believe it comin' from you.
One wop to another, huh? Sure.
No, no, no.
I mean one human being to another.
Come on, vicino.
You gotta help me.
Now you're asking me for help, huh? [ Doorbell buzzing .]
Don't answer that.
That's that guy silvestri.
Oh, come on, arch.
You're seeing too many movies.
Mr.
bunker? Oh, hiya there.
Hiya.
Hiya.
Hey, listen.
It wasn't you guys that done that muggin' at all.
I was just telling that to Tony vicino.
Here's Tony standing right over here.
Ain't that right, Tony? No capisce.
[ Archie .]
Tony, where you going? arrivederci, bunker I came out to check out your story about a car and two men in silk suits.
There was no car, no two men in silk suits, nothin'.
Then you lied, Mr.
bunker.
Yeah, I lied.
Archie, maybe that's why he didn't kiss you.
Don't help me, huh, Edith? I wanna thank you for not doing that.
I'll tell you who done the muggin' though.
It was a longhaired blond kid.
Now, this is the truth.
He didn't even look Italian.
I think he was a German.
He was tall, and he had a black leather jacket on.
A black leather jacket, huh? You're not gonna change your story again, are you? No.
No, no, no.
That's the story.
This is it, I swear.
[ Doorbell buzzing .]
Oh, hey, that's our front doorbell.
That means there's somebody out there.
Yeah.
We got people coming in and out of here all the time.
You know, what you call witnesses to everything.
Mr.
bunker.
Yeah, what? I'm Ralph silvestri.
We already got one.
I mean, y-y-you're Ralph silvestri? Yeah.
Then who are you? Detective sergeant Perkins.
Detective sergeant Perkins? Hey-hey! Hey, sergeant, I'm glad to see you in the house.
Hey, stay a while.
Ask me all the questions you want.
I'll talk to you later.
I don't want to keep you from your friend.
Oh, I wish you would, sergeant.
- Hey, listen, uh, this here is Mr.
silvestri.
- Ralph.
Yeah, well, Ralph, uh, look at this-- sergeant Perkins from the police.
Excuse me, but I can't stay long.
I wanna talk to you private.
Come here.
Come on, sergeant.
There ain't nothing private in this house.
I gotta get back to the station.
Wait a minute.
You can't leave me alone with this here guy.
Look, I can't hang around here.
But I want to see you tomorrow down at the station at 10:00 in the morning.
What for? To make a complete statement.
Now, get it clear in your mind, bunker, because under the law, you could be charged with making a false statement to a police officer.
A false-- what could you get for that? One year or $500.
Oh, geez.
Sergeant, wait a minute.
Hey, wait a minute.
Listen to me, sergeant.
This guy silvestri here, don't he worry you? Bunker, get ahold of yourself.
Come here.
We read about you in the paper this morning.
Nice, huh? So we get a call from one of the members in my club.
He says, "ralphie, you live in the neighborhood.
Why don't you drop in on Mr.
bunker and straighten him out?" Straighten me out? Your language.
[ Popping sound .]
See, it reflects very bad on the members of our club.
Look, I'm talking about that five-letter word which begins with "m.
" Oh! Am I making myself clear? Yeah, well, listen, I don't think I ever even heard of that word.
Maybe I can help you.
A five-letter word beginning with "m"-- Edith, the man ain't here to play crosswords.
Let me explain something to you.
I just dropped by to tell you That that organization which you mentioned this morning in the paper, it don't exist.
It's defunct.
Well, listen, anything you say.
We don't say that word.
It's not a very nice word.
You see, even in this movie, the godfather, which is about that defunct organization, even they don't use that word.
I know the word.
"Mafia.
" Lady, lady, even the FBI don't use that word.
You know what the FBI calls organized crime? Organized crime.
A better word.
In that statement I made to the police there, I didn't use no words like "kosher nostras," see? Or that other mmm word.
I ain't never gonna use them words no more.
Good, bunker.
That's all I wanted to know.
I gotta go.
The wife and kids are waiting in the car.
Bye-bye, everybody.
[ Stammers, laughs .]
Hey, by the by, the cop-- you mentioned something about a year in the can and 500 bananas.
That ain't gonna make you change what you just said? No, no, no.
I told the truth just now.
I mean, I was honest this time.
Good, bunker.
It pays to be honest All the time.
And remember, you heard it from silvestri, huh? Bye-bye, every beautiful people.
Hey, Michael, you don't really think the police will put daddy in jail For making a false statement, do you? - I don't know.
It's hard to s-- - [ Gloria .]
Daddy! Archie, what happened? They're not gonna put you in jail, are they? What are you talking about, put me in jail? Gee.
They ain't even gonna press no charges.
That's wonderful.
Oh, good.
- What happened? - Oh, nothing much.
You know that guy silvestri that was here? Turned out to be a pretty nice guy.
Down at the station house he put in a good word for me.
Was it a five-letter word beginning with "m"? You're a pip, Edith.
You know that? A real pip.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.