Bizaardvark (2016) s02e18 Episode Script

1 Hey, guys! I'm Paige.
- I'm Frankie.
- And we're - BOTH: Bizaardvark! - MAN: Bizaardvark.
Hey, Frankie, are you a dog person? You know, I'm more of a music video about dogs person.
Me too! And what a seamless transition into our latest music video, - "If I Had a Dog.
" - Woof.
(BOTH GASP) Think we can handle it? Definitely.
If I had a dog Wouldn't life be awesome With a dog? Woohoo, hoo, hoo, hoo Can't wait to wake up To a gentle puppy kiss Strollin' around the neighborhood Nothin' better than this Everyone gonna be jealous When they see him doing tricks like magic Sit, stay.
Oh, wait, hey! Every moment's bliss Ugh! If I had a dog Wouldn't life be awesome With a dog? Woohoo, hoo, hoo, hoo I'll know what he likes to eat - Got the table set - (GASP) No! No! I'll be dressin' up With my new best friend And if it gets a little dirty I'll shampoo him till he purty (GROANS) Isn't he the best? If I had a dog Wouldn't life be awesome With a dog? Woohoo, hoo, hoo, hoo If I had a human, my life would be sick Chewin' on the shoes, I eat what I wish Jumpin' on beds, straight up breakin' the law Got everybody wrapped around my paw Have our friends over for a squirrel-chase party Rippin' up the sofa with Shallow and Sparky This is my house, I run the place Get away with anything with my puppy dog face Face, face, face If I had a dog Wouldn't life be (BOTH WHIMPERING) But they're so cute! Yup.
Hey! Hey! BOTH: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
Woohoo! Izzy will be here any second! I'm so excited for you to finally meet my childhood best friend! Please don't read into my words, or tone, but how long is she staying? When is she leaving? And does this smile look forced? Frankie, you know what a big part of my life Izzy was before I met you.
I want the three of us to hang out! Three of us? Why not just go to four of us and include the knife in my back? Frankie, there's no reason to be jealous.
She's just here for a week.
Besides, I only have one best friend, and it's you.
Paige, that was totally cheesy and exactly what I needed to hear.
P-Zizzle! I-Swizzle! Dancing hug! Uns, uns, uns, uns BOTH: Ah! Izzy, this is Frankie.
Hi.
Uh, nice to meet you.
A handshake? What am I, your uncle? Get in here! Oh! Oh, wow! Okay.
Uh, I forgot to mention, Izzy gets super touchy when she's excited.
- I do not! - Oh! Can you believe this chick? Ow! So tiny, so strong.
Look at all your cool props.
Hey, a tea cup.
Remember that time we rode the teacups so many times we puked everywhere? Ew! Totally! We ate blue cotton candy the entire day, then threw up in our hair! BOTH: Blue hair, don't care! (GIGGLES) Uh you know, Frankie had blue hair once.
It was a medical thing.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, remember when we played truth or dare and I dared you to see my dentist pretending to be me and she gave you braces? That dentist went to jail! - Yeah! - (BOTH LAUGHING) Um you know, uh, Frankie almost got braces.
Yeah.
Then I I didn't.
I like you, you're funny.
Thank you, I-Swizzle.
What the heck was that? Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
- Now I'm just messing with ya.
- I Oh.
How are you so strong? "It's not about the destination, it's about the Bernie.
" Yeah, I'll use that for something.
(DOOR OPENS) Bernard, I have some news about your Great Uncle.
I have a Great Uncle? Not anymore, he died.
He sent you that card.
"Dearest Bernard, I am your Great Uncle Herschel.
"As I look back on my life, I regret never taking you on any memorable adventures.
"But I want you to have adventures of your own, "so I'm leaving you some money.
The most important thing I learned in life" Whatever! How much money do I get? One million dollars? Now I can do everything I've always wanted to do.
Eat my feet, jerk nozzles, 'cause Bernie Schotz is rich! Hey Amelia, you missed your chance 'cause now I'm loaded, you shallow diva.
You wear a horse face, and I think that's stupid! Viking Guy, you're a sad, old, failure who created a make-believe character because you're so upset with your life and personality that you have to live as someone else.
Well, that wasn't very Oh, my gosh.
He's right.
I'm rich, I'm rich! I'm rich, I'm rich! I'm rich, I'm rich! I'm better than everybody! (SIGHS) That was the greatest day of my life.
Hey, Bernie, how'd ya like my prank? What? That fake card with that fake check.
(CHUCKLES) Pretty funny, right? Oh, no.
Man, I love your school.
It's awesome.
Aw, thanks.
Oh, hey, I have the best idea for tonight.
You, me, and Frankie should go to Stevenson's Ice Cream and order their three person sundae.
- IZZY: Whoa! That looks amazing! - PAIGE: Right? What do they call it? The three person sundae.
Well, that's boring.
I'm calling it the thrundae! The thrundae! Hey, guys.
Hey! We just came up with the best plan for tonight.
Me, you, Izzy, and a three person sundae.
Ooh, you know what, I would love to spend tonight bloated and filled with regret, but I was gonna check out the L.
A.
Horror Movie Festival.
I would have invited you, but I know you hate horror movies.
I actually love horror movies.
I've been dying to go to that fest.
Oh, really? You know, since Izzy loves horror movies, and you love horror movies, and there's a horror movie festival I think she wants us to go together.
Yeah, I love her but she's not subtle.
I know you guys are talking about me, but I feel like things are happening! All right, let's do it.
Oh, yay! Go, have fun! I'll pick up the sundae, and we can meet up at Vuuugle after.
- 9 p.
m.
? - Sounds good.
(LAUGHTER) - Oh, Paige, over here! - Hey, Paige! Hey.
Oh, ugh.
Where have you guys been? Oh, my gosh! We're so sorry, we totally lost track of time.
You know what? It's okay.
Don't worry about it.
Let's eat.
Oh, no, the sundae.
- It looks like - BOTH: The melted body of Dr.
Slice Face! It's a long story.
In the movie, Dr.
Slice Face melts.
I guess it's not that long of a story.
Wow.
You guys had a good time, huh? Yeah! You were right, I love this girl.
BOTH: Zucchini! It's a long Long story, got it.
Well, uh, we're all here now.
Let's dig in.
(PHONES CHIME) (BEEPS) No way.
Did you just get that alert? About the surprise screening of BOTH: Tongue Ripper Five? Ah! Wait.
But I haven't seen Tongue Ripper Four.
What happens in it? They rip out tongues.
Sweet, I'm caught up.
Oh, wait, it's tonight.
Oh, yeah, forget about it.
We're here to hang out.
Huh? No, no, no.
Don't forget it.
You guys should totally go.
Are you sure? 'Cause you're dragging out your words and I'm thinking it might mean something.
What? No! Go! Okay.
Thanks, Paige.
- You're the best.
- Love you, P-Ziz.
Yeah, I'll just be here drinking this melted sundae all by myself.
(SLURPS) Hey, guys! I'm Paige.
And I'm Frankie.
You know, applying makeup can be an art form.
Mixing just the right amount of lipstick and blush to make you look and feel amazing.
It can also be a train wreck if you wear a blindfold.
(GASPS) Ooh, that sounds way more fun.
Let's do that.
I'm gonna start out with the foundation.
Where's your face? - I'm just gonna - Uh-huh.
Just guess a little bit.
This feels like a yellow.
- It's a yellow, right? - It's so yellow, guys.
- It's so yellow.
- Okay, well, I'm guessing it's not a yellow from the tone of your voice.
There we go.
- One - BOTH: Two, three.
(BOTH GASP) - Oh, my gosh! - You look amazing! I think you did great.
Ooh! - All right, here we go.
- (LAUGHS) - This is a pencil.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna do your eyebrows.
Yes.
- Oh, you're gonna do my eyebrows? You're drawing a new set of eyebrows just for me.
(BOTH LAUGHING) - Because you want some luscious lips.
- Oh! Oh, yeah, that's a little bit overdrawn.
BOTH: Go! Ah! (LAUGHS) - I look - Oh, no! I have a new set of eyebrows.
- I've got to arch my furry eyebrows.
- Pucker.
You know, I just wanted Frankie and Izzy to get along.
I didn't think they'd get so close, I'd feel left out.
Amelia? I'm so sorry.
Were you speaking to my hologram? Uh Hologram? Yeah.
Well, I was gonna get a dog.
But this is way cuter.
Wait, you weren't saying anything important, were ya? Nope.
Just feeling alone, talking to a fake person.
That's what my mom says to me too.
Hey! So, how was the movie? Did all the tongues get ripped? Paige, there is so much more to it than that.
They also ripped out throats.
Where my Frizzle at? Right hizzle! Horror hug! (BOTH SCREAMING) BOTH: Ah, ah, ah! (GASPING) Yeah, I want in on this! Stab, stab, stab! Paige is fun too! So, what should we all do tonight? Uh, what about mini-golf? - Perfect! - Oh, but it's supposed to rain tonight.
It can't rain! I mean, um That That's okay.
My cousin has an indoor mini-golf set.
I'll go get it and set it up in the lounge.
Meet me back here at 7:00? - Cool.
See ya.
- Awesome.
Amelia, I did it! Me, Frankie, and Izzy are all gonna go mini-golfing together and I won't feel left out at all! Do you want to hear the song I sing when I feel joy? Uh I'm a hologram.
So some things were said regrets were had, but I can tell we're all good here.
Cool, cool.
So, I'm gonna go grab some tostadas if anyone's interested.
You said I was a "shallow diva.
" And there's just no truth to it.
There's definitely no money, right? No truth! Your harsh words made me challenge my life choices! And Horse Face Guy still hasn't recovered.
Let's just punch him! - GROUP: Yeah! - No, guys, wait! It was my grandma! She pranked me with a fake letter that said I inherited a million dollars.
- (QUIET CHATTERING) - She did that to her own grandson? I can sense your anger is shifting away from me here, so I have a proposal.
Let's pull a revenge prank on Grandma and teach her a lesson! - GROUP: Yeah! - Ooh, ooh, ooh! What if her grandson mysteriously disappeared? What? No! Jeez, just trying to get the ball rolling.
What's this guy's deal? Are you ready? Are you ready? You told us it was mini-golf.
It's mini-golf! Whoa! This looks amazing! It must have taken you hours to set up.
Oh, it was nothing.
I'm just so happy the three of us are finally hanging out together.
Well, I can't wait to give it my official golf clap.
Golf! Whoo! Golf! Great.
So, who wants to go first? Oh, wait, before we start, we have something awesome to show you.
While you were setting all this up, we were hanging out and came up with a hilarious idea so we made a video.
We can't wait for you to see it.
- (SCREEN TURNS ON) - What? (THERMOMETER BEEPING) 103? BOTH: Hooray! - - (THERMOMETER BREAKS) Sick days are awesome ' Cause you get to stay home from school all day No test and no homework to ruin all your (COUGHING) (MUSIC STOPS) fun! So get your favorite movies And grab a ton of candy Take it, Frankie (COUGHS) (BLOWS NOSE) Ugh, come back to me.
(FRANKIE COUGHS) It doesn't matter if you're shaking Or your face is turning purple The best part of a sick day is the joy you feel when (BOTH RETCHING) Oh, man.
Come on, Izzy.
One more verse.
I can't.
You're gonna have to (BOTH RETCHING) (GASPING) sing it alone.
Sick days are (RETCHING) Awful! Oh, no.
It's in your hair! (BOTH RETCHING) (APPLAUSE) So, what'd ya think? You made a video without me? Yeah! We thought you'd love it.
It's like something we would do.
Yeah.
It is something we would do.
Hey.
Hey, where are you going? I thought we were hanging out.
But you and Izzy are such great friends.
You won't even know I'm gone.
Hey, guys, Bernie here with Amelia and Viking Guy.
Have you ever eaten a donut and thought "Man, this is great, but I wish my fingertips weren't so messy?" Everyday, girlfriend.
Everyday.
Well, today, we are playing the A game where we hang donuts from a string and try to eat them with our hands tied behind our backs.
You said it, girlfriend! - Cut it out.
- Oh.
First one to eat their donut without it falling wins.
(GRUNTING) - No! Wait! - Oh, no! - Ah! - Ha, ha, ha! This is not fair! - No! No! - Oh! - (BUZZER) - It fell.
No, stop! Thats Ow! - (BUZZER) - Ow! I win! I win! I win! I Whoa! Hey, are you okay? No, I'm not okay.
Look, I didn't know making a video with Izzy would make you so upset.
No, this isn't just about the video.
This is about sundae night.
Sunday night? I didn't even see you Sunday night.
No, not Sunday night, sundae night.
The ice cream.
Oh, sundae night.
Go on.
You shouldn't have gone back to that horror fest with Izzy.
Wait, that's what this is about? I waited an hour for you guys and you show up for, like, two minutes and then ditch me.
You said go.
No, I said "go!" A good friend would have known I meant don't go.
Oh! So I'm not a good friend because I can't read your mind? Why don't I just write a Paige to English dictionary? Go means "don't go.
" Be friends with Izzy means "don't be friends with Izzy.
" And everything else means "I don't know, I'm Paige and I'm a lunatic and I make no sense!" Yeah, well, I wrote the Frankie to English dictionary.
All the pages are blank because you're oblivious and lack emotion.
Well, if it's blank, then why would you print it, Paige? Your company would go out of business.
Well, some people might buy a book to put on their bookshelf so that when other people come over, they look smart! - What are we fighting about? - I don't know! Look, you're the one who begged me to become friends with Izzy.
Yeah? Well, I don't see anyone begging you to be here right now.
(SCOFFS) Okay, Grandma's almost home.
Remember, we hide behind the furniture, then jump out and scare her when she comes in.
She's here! Get in position.
Go, go, go, go! (HUMMING QUIETLY) Now! (GRUNTING) Ah! (BOTH SHOUTING) (GROANS) Nobody breaks into Roz's crib.
Oh! Grandma, wait! "Grandma"? You calling me old, punk? (BERNIE SCREAMS) GRANDMA: Ooh! This feels like a face.
Ah! (GROANS) Ah! All right, I'm getting out of here! BERNIE: Oh, thank goodness.
GRANDMA: And coming back with my violent friends.
(ALL GROANING) It hurts.
- It hurts.
- Ow! Take that, Grandma.
Hey.
Hey.
Look, uh I know I said some awful things, and I'm sorry.
Just to be clear, in the Paige dictionary, that actually means "I'm sorry.
" I'm sorry too.
I hate when we fight.
Paige, what happened? I don't know.
I got jealous.
It's just in three days, you guys have come up with bits and inside jokes and nicknames that took you and me years to find together.
And then when I saw that video you guys made, it was awesome.
And everybody loved it.
And I realized I'm replaceable.
Replaceable? You remember the first time we had lunch together? I said I was waiting for my friend Jessica to show up.
Yeah.
Well, there was no Jessica.
I made her up.
I never told you this before, but you were the first friend I ever made.
Frankie.
Maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm not the best at meeting new people.
You were the first person to help me open up.
You were the first person who gave me the confidence to be myself.
You were the first person who thought making a video about a talking toilet was a good idea.
Mr.
Potty-Mouth was revolutionary.
So I don't know how you can say you're replaceable when you've shaped me into the person I am.
You're my best friend, Paige.
I'm not me without you.
Hey.
Aw! Stuff was said.
Yeah, it was.
I'm sorry if I've been acting weird.
Paige, you don't have to apologize for the last five years of your life.
Oh! Hey, so what should the three of us do tonight? Guys, I got it covered.
(FRANKIE LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) No way.
Presenting the thrundae! FRANKIE AND PAIGE: Oh.
It doesn't travel well.
- Okay.
- (PAIGE GIGGLES) I'm sorry, but it has been three days and no one has said anything about my bangs.