Cougar Town s02e18 Episode Script

Well, I can't believe you're moving to Chicago.
I'm thinking about getting some chain and just locking you up - to that pipe over there.
- I love you.
I love you, too.
Oh That is the first time I've heard Travis say, "I love you, too" without it being followed by, "Now stop watching me sleep, Mom.
" If you keep spying on your son, the karma gods will punish you.
Hopefully the karma gods are busy having lunch with Santa, at a restaurant called We Don't Exist.
I think I'll be fine! Oh! Stupid karma gods.
Sprained knee, huh? That sucks.
- Bright side, you look like a pimp.
- You better pay my bitches! - Yeah, that's fun.
- You know, I'm fine.
Us Cobbs can get through anything.
What about your son walking around with Grandma's engagement ring in his pocket, trying to think of a way to keep his girlfriend from moving? I wonder what he'll do? Maybe Trav will just skip the ring and put a baby in her.
That's what jellybean would do.
It's no fun when she's not here.
You can't fix this one with a cane.
Unless you use it to pimp-whack Kirsten over the head.
- No.
- Oh.
I just hope that when he proposes, Kirsten has enough sense to say no.
"Marry me, milady?" "Oh God, it's an everything-ring.
" - Oh! - Pimp-whack! - Anything we can do to help with Trav? - Just be there for him.
"What if he talks in such a monotone way that I pass out from" Don't whack me.
Look, you and Travis always give each other crap.
Would it kill you to look him in the eye and say, "Hey, buddy, how's it going?" Isn't it enough that I wear these tight T-shirts you buy me? - I mean, people assume I know Farsi.
- I like to see what I pay for.
He's my son.
I want to know that he can count on you.
OK, I'll try.
What are you, six? Grow up.
Sweetie, could you get me - some ice for my knee? - Sure.
Jules, what the fudgenstein? You asked me to bring you coffee, but you bought one anyway? Sorry, I just wanted to see if they'd write my pimp-name on the cup.
One soy latte for "Lady-J Love Explosion.
" Can you believe her? Maybe Trav will just skip the ring and put a baby in Kirsten.
That's what jellybean would do.
I totally would.
My life is so much better with you in it.
All right, I guess I'll just give this coffee to Bobby.
No, he's gonna be late.
Do you know how hard it is to shower when you don't have a shower? - Sir you can't do that here.
- Understood, but you can't keep me from rinsing.
Freedom! Bobby's late, you waste my time bringing you coffee.
I'm sick of this group taking each other for granted.
You know, it is time for some justice, foster home style, except without the coat hanger brandings.
Starting now, the punishment will fit the crime.
Vengeance, love it.
Who decides the punishment? We'll form a sacred council, called the Council.
- The Council.
All right, who should we get first? - Break.
- Jules? Damn it.
Since you made me get you coffee today, and you did not take one sip today you will be my official sip-giver.
All right, Grayson, I want you to watch how this is done, just in case I ever lose my arms.
Ugh! My captain's patch has still got a little sand in it from my sea shower.
Perhaps you should upgrade your land-boat to something nicer.
Hey, don't hate on simple living.
One summer, I shared a futon with my friend, Opi.
Not in a gay way, we slept in shifts.
Unless we were really cold or homesick.
My house has a living room big enough to have sumo matches, even though someone never lets me.
But still, sometimes, I miss my dinky little apartment.
That's the difference between men and women, once a woman gets a taste of the fancy life, she can never go back.
Can you believe this bull? - No.
- It's crazy.
- Because it's not.
- It's totally true.
Speak for yourselves.
Our first place sucked.
We had no furniture.
You know what happens when you sit on a milk crate every day? You get permanent waffle butt.
- Well, it's gone now.
- Well, then it's not permanent.
The point is, I can easily go back to that life.
- You have 60 dollar eye cream.
- You use four towels every shower.
Face, body, hair, feet.
You think you can give all that up? Totally.
Prove it.
You stay here on Bobby's boat, he stays at your house.
Ooh.
How long? Six months? A year? - A weekend.
- All right, I'm still in.
- All right.
- I can so do this.
Besides, it'll keep my mind off Trav.
It'll also keep you hidden until you can wear high heels again.
'Cause when you wear flats, you're so teeny-tiny I'm afraid someone's gonna step on you.
Council.
What? How many bottles of champagne So, buddy, how's it going? - What are you doing? - Taking an interest in you.
- I don't like it either.
I - Mom strikes again.
Ooh.
"Strawberries, champagne, blanket, ring.
" Ooh, I knew it, you're proposing.
No.
This is a list of props for Kevin's new music video.
How's that song go? # Girl # I got stuff for you # I gotta call your mom.
Every moment I sit on this information and don't tell her, I am in danger.
No.
Kev, if he moves, take him down.
He's faster than he looks.
All-state linebacker.
They used to call him "Pancake.
" You just got pancaked! Why is this my punishment? You always act like you're above us.
Now you are.
All right, J-Bird, if you're gonna stay here, I gotta show you the ropes.
And these are ropes.
No, don't touch them.
They hold the boat steady and that's important.
- Oh.
- Now, you gotta watch out for Shark.
- Sharks? - Shark.
He's a homeless dude who pushes a shopping cart around with a surfboard hanging out the back.
When he shows, I want you to throw him some food, or else he gets aggressive.
Uh, electricity.
Now Now remember, spark good, fire bad.
That little rhyme might save your life.
Not a rhyme.
Uh The toilet's broke.
Dog-Travis comes and goes, and Oh, here you go.
Now, lighting this hibachi is pretty tricky, but keep at it 'cause she's your stove and your heater.
- Oh.
- And, here's your towel.
Oh.
For the dishes, or my body? - That's your everything-towel.
- You have a child with that man! Five more minutes! What if I need extra supplies? You know, like another everything-towel? You're on a Bobby budget, sweetheart.
Twenty bucks for the whole weekend.
Wow, better make it count.
- OK, I'm tapped out.
- Please let me go home! Nope.
Are you sure you don't want to join me here on the boat? Mmm? It's pretty sexy.
Just me, a vase full of wine and a smelly, wet bear that just puked up a flip-flop.
Huge pass.
Um Say, Jules Forget it, I should go.
Look, if she knew I was proposing this weekend, do you really think she could resist butting in? I truly do.
- Wow, you're a good liar.
- Thanks, that's how I bagged your mom.
Sweet.
You're only 19.
What do you expect her to do? This isn't some childish move to keep Kirsten here.
We love each other.
It's real.
Tell him, Kev.
So real.
I can't stop you from telling my mom.
Honestly, I didn't expect you to have my back anyway.
So, you do what you gotta do.
You're very good at being manipulative.
Thanks, man.
# Love did this # That's a new song.
Wait, why do we have to have coffee over here? 'Cause wherever I am is where we have coffee.
Well, this is horrible.
Still horrible.
My coffee tastes like a martini.
That's 'cause you're drinking out of an olive jar.
Does anyone have any complaints they'd like to bring before the Council? That depends.
I treated Bobby's home with respect last night.
Did he treat mine the same? Not my good towels! Please tell me you wore underwear.
OK.
We wore underwear.
Council.
- Hey, we go down, we go down together.
- Word.
Andy, you're absolved because you're easily influenced.
- How do we punish him? - What! - Ready.
- OK.
Oh, boy.
Bobby, you are going to hate your punishment.
But we're not going to tell you what it is.
- How will I know? - Oh, you'll know.
I still don't understand what his punishment is.
There is no punishment.
Bobby never thinks about the consequences of his actions.
Now, he's gonna worry about the consequences all day.
That's the genius of the no-punishment punishment.
Ah.
- Will you explain it to me later? - No, it'll take too long.
- So, uh, how's, uh, boat living going? - Well, my hair's holding up.
But, no moisturizer.
Wait, you know what, you always wear - too much under your eyes.
- I don't There you go, that's the stuff.
Oh, yeah.
This is easy.
Well, it's only been one night, and wine got you through it.
Well, I have a whole other bottle.
Oh, half a bottle.
Oh, well, no biggie.
Cobbs can get through anything.
Seriously, what's my punishment? Oh, God! Hey, uh, who should I take this ring to? I want to get it sized before I propose.
I'll do it.
Yeah, I used to sell jewelry on the street in South Beach.
Mm-hmm.
Please tell me you didn't also make the jewelry.
No.
That's lame.
I mean, maybe a few pieces.
A toe ring here, a bracelet there.
I once made a turquoise bolo tie for Lou Diamond Phillips.
- What was he like? - Even more handsome in person.
Awesome.
Wow.
OK, we gotta pull out of this.
Look, I'm going to call Kevin.
- Can you take Kirsten a soda for me? - Gotcha.
- From Trav.
- Oh, thanks.
Oh, great necklace.
Whoever made it is very talented.
Oh, thanks.
I'm sure she, or he is.
So, you are taking off for Chi-town in a few weeks, right? How you holding up? Freaking out, sexing up Trav a lot sharing way too much with strangers.
No need to freak.
You guys are a great couple.
It's so hard to leave.
But he's got his life here, you know, finishing college.
And I love him, but I think I'm ready to start my life there, too, you know? It's complicated.
It's Sorry, I'm doing it again, I'm sharing too much.
No, no, no, it's fine.
I have been sitting outside in a hot car for 15 minutes.
You said you were coming right out.
Sorry, hon.
I was, uh, looking for the keys, and then I found this Please don't tell the Council, oh, please don't tell the Council.
Please? One hour sitting in a hot car.
I don't care.
I'm Cuban.
We eat heat for breakfast.
Enjoy.
There we go.
Well, when the hell is my punishment coming? I can't sleep.
Soon, very soon.
Well, hello, Bride-of-Unabomber.
What brings you here? Oh, I just came by to grab a few essentials.
You know, some towels, cuticle cream, maybe one tiny wheel of Brie and a case of wine.
- Ah, rules are rules.
- Oh, come on, just one quick shower! My hair is so greasy, and my skin is so dry! Why won't they balance out? - Sorry, honey.
- No can do.
Let me out of this car! Please open! Open! I'm sorry, Council! Council! Come on! - Hey, what's up? - Hey.
- Just, uh, came to grab the ring.
- Oh, yeah, about that.
I lost it.
- Sorry.
- Dude, it's right there in your pocket.
Oh, stupid tight T-shirt.
Look, you can't have the ring.
Grab him.
He's going Gollum on us.
- Oh! Oh! Oh! - Pancake.
Dude, she's gonna say no.
Damn it! Ellie, pick up.
It's cold.
The only thing keeping me alive is this little bit of wine I'm saving.
Come on, please come get me.
Hello?! Ellie, Shark! I don't have any food! I'm gonna need a bigger boat.
Come on! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! - What are you doing? - I fought a bum for wine and I lost.
Didn't your mom teach you? Bums always win wine fights.
Please tell me you're coming to take me home.
I miss my underwear drawer.
It smells like lilacs.
Andy is so excited for you to fail, that he and I made a side bet.
If you lose, I have to start calling Stan by his middle name.
I can't say, "I love you, Hector.
" It's not in me.
- You bet on me? - I believe in you And I was hammered.
Give me that golf club.
All right.
I can do this.
- It's time to sack up.
- That's for boys.
It's time to uterus up.
Yeah! I have made fire! I have made fire.
The way she was talking, you know, I just don't think you're on the same page.
Fine, maybe she doesn't want to start her life over for a boyfriend, - but getting married is different.
- You really believe that? I want to.
I also want to believe my haircut doesn't make me look like the mayor of a small Mexican town.
- You heard me say that.
- Yeah.
- I was kidding.
- Mmm.
Look, if I don't ask, I'll just always wonder what she would've said.
I mean, what would you do? Yeah, I'd wanna know, too.
I'm dying here.
Is anyone going to tell me my punishment? - Can't.
- Wish I could, dude.
Feels weird drinking coffee without Jules.
It's like she's dead.
- Oh, yeah, it is.
- Yeah, it is.
It is.
Yeah, well, at least I can eat cream cheese right off the spoon.
Mmm! I don't have to live a lie of spreading it all over the bagel, then lick it off, and chuck the bagel away.
I'm so telling Jules that you're a spoon-licking, bagel-waster.
That's tattling.
Council warning.
There are no council warnings.
Council for making stuff up.
You can't call a council for making stuff up.
You just made that up.
Council for being intentional pot-stirrer! - Council for gibberish! - Enough! The next person to call "council" gets a council.
- Council.
- OK! No.
I wonder how Jules is doing.
Oh, good, you went swimming.
Momma's hot.
Dog-shower! I love it.
Whoa, OK.
Oh! Hey, Shark.
Here you go, buddy.
Ow! Why are you throwing cans at me? It's chilly out tonight, huh? You didn't think I'd plan a special night without showing up early to start the fire.
What's so special about tonight? I don't know.
You're here.
- I'm bored.
- Chill.
You wanna catch crabs, you gotta be patient.
Or unlucky.
Let's go back to the boat.
What are you looking at? Uh, I thought I saw a dolphin eat a bird over Is that Travis? - Wait, we have to stop him! - OK.
I know, I know.
No, no, no, no, jump on my back.
I'll take you.
- Why are you going this way? - You said you wanted to stay out of it, - that's why I didn't tell you.
- No! You knew? - Get me over there! Now! Now! - Ow! Quit hitting me and just watch.
Shh! Please say yes.
Ooh! Council in the hizzy! Who are we about to bitch-slap with some justice? - Laurie - No, what did I do? Your council thing messed up our group.
Yeah, we used to feel safe with each other.
That's what friends are, people you can constantly crap on.
And you made that a bad thing.
That is the ultimate crime, jellybean.
And for that, you will receive the ultimate punishment.
- Meet Little Richard.
- # Whoo # - Stop doing that.
- Stop saying Little Richard.
# Whoo # Whatever.
It's fine.
I have done wine shooters before.
Yes, but the thing is, you don't get a refill until we need a refill.
Fine, well, I'll just have to make it last.
No! It's gone already? Damn you, Little Richard.
# Whoo # - Well, that was fun.
- You wanna talk about it? - No.
- I can go.
You can stay.
Just, no talking.
Hey, it's over.
I won.
I survived the boat.
See, Trav? Us Cobbs can get through anything.
Are you really comparing spending two nights on Dad's boat - to the worst day of my life? - I was trying to.
- It's all good.
- I mean, she said she loves me.
She just doesn't love me as much as I love her.
She said it was hard to say no, so that's pretty cool.
- I love you, Trav.
I love you, too, man.
Way to make it weird, dude.
Knew it when I said it.
I did.
Bobby? Honey, are you sick? Oh, please, as a friend, just tell me what my punishment is.
Sweetie, I can't believe we forgot to tell you.
We all knew that the fear of the unknown would pick away at your brain.
So, your punishment was the expectation of punishment.
Just tell me.
We were gonna put a snake in your shorts.
Well, that would've been good.
Wow.
That is just beautiful, Grayson.
- You're an artist, my friend.
- Whatever, Lou.
Hey, you got any belt buckles? I don't know, Lou.
I'II I'll look into it.
- He's even better looking in person.
- Yeah.