Dharma & Greg s02e18 Episode Script
See Dharma Run Amok
So if you elect me to the Board of Supervisors I will work to integrate your wisdom and your experience into the Into the Into the running of the city of San Francisco.
- They're not istening.
- Yes, they are.
You're doing fine.
Anybody from out of town? Any birthdays? Any surgery you'd ike to tak about? - See? - Go back to the speech.
Because in every culture except ours, the elderly are revered and considered a national treasure.
And I believe that I believe that you have so much to give, that you have a special responsibility to shape the future of our city.
If only someone would give you a chance.
Excuse me.
That is very nice but 'm trying to make a speech here, okay? When I was a little girl some of my fondest memories were sitting on my great-grandmother's knee and I can remember being in awe of all the things she knew and all the places she had What is the matter with you people? 'M trying to bring some dignity and some quality into the few years that you have left.
This can't be news to you.
Well, you got them now.
Vote for Dharma.
Thanks for the pudding.
- I stunk.
- No, you didn't.
Oh, come on, those old people hated my speech.
Well, telling them they were all gonna die soon wasn't exacty, "have a dream.
" T doesn't matter what said they just wanted to party like it was 1929.
Why didn't you tak about your idea for a senior education center? They made me mad, I took it away from them.
Pus, Greg, what if can't get the city to build one? - Don't wanna ie to them.
- You don't have to ie.
All you have to do is say something like: "Magine a San Francisco with a brand new senior education center.
" Or, "No one knows better than I, the importance of continuing education to seniors.
" See what I said there? - Nothing.
- Exactly.
We both know that you' do great things once you get elected but first you have to get elected, and this is how you do it.
We, Greg, don't you think peope are tired of being manipulated? Honey, I love that you believe that.
And when you speak from your heart your face just glows with an incredible inner beauty.
Really? Thanks.
You suck.
You really suck.
And beieve, as 'm sure you a do, that those of us who have been blessed with more should take care of those in need.
I mean, in fact, we should be thankful for the opportunity to help the less fortunate.
Sounds like a toilet upstairs is running.
But et's face it, no one knows better than I that you feel that the people paying the taxes should decide how that money is spent.
Imagine a city where responsible people held the purse strings.
As someone once said, "f poor peope knew how to spend money they woudn't be poor.
" And remember, when you're voting for me you are voting for one of your own.
You are voting for a Montgomery.
- One of your own? - Smile and wave, Kitty, smile and wave.
And no one knows better than I that what you want is a government that provides food and shelter for the sick, for the homeless and the musicians, and the performance artists and those who just need some time to get their heads together, man.
And when you're voting for me, you're voting for one of your own.
The illegitimate daughter of two free souls.
And in conclusion, let me say that no one knows better than me and my close friend Jane the special needs of the gay and lesbian community.
- Where did you get the pit hair? - Cut it off the dog.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
What are you doing? We're heping Dharma.
Come on, give me a little sugar.
'M sorry, honey.
That wasn't my best work.
Are you kidding? Honey, I never even knew that sex with you could be like that.
Really? It was It was okay? Oh, what just happened between us, just now, could never be called okay.
Now, I think somebody needs to get some rest.
- Goddess bless you.
- Thank you.
Dharma, look at this.
You got a thousand dollar check from the Sierra Club.
National Organization of Women, $500.
Wow, look at that signature.
Somebody's angry.
- What's this from the Young Repubicans? - Junk mail.
Gadzooks, I wonder what the Old Republicans give.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey, Greg, look at this.
'M getting money from everybody.
Look, they hate each other.
But they love Dharma.
- Are you feeling all right? - I feel great.
You're burning up.
Abby, does she feel hot to you? - Oh, my goodness, she does.
- Should I call a doctor? Greg, 'm a icensed hoistic heaer and an aromatherapist.
I think I can handle this.
Okay, Dharma, is there some sort of internal conflict going on? No, we're a getting aong just fine in here.
Well, your glands are swollen.
Do you have some unexpressed guilt? What does guilt have to do with it? Please, Greg, don't te you how to practice aw.
- Dharma? - Don't fee guity about anything.
You know what, Greg shot a deer once.
Why don't you tak to him? It attacked me.
Dharma, your body is trying to tell you something.
- You're running a temperature.
- T's just a bug.
No big dea.
Yeah, well, a bug only flies in when there's a hoe in the screen door of your soul.
Sn't that right, Greg? Don't know.
'm not a doctor.
Listen, I have a big fundraiser tonight.
So if you really wanna help me whip me up a batch of your famous eucalyptus snot-buster tea, okay? Dharma, you're gonna get sicker if you don't dea with what's bothering you.
Thanks for putting that vibe out there.
T's not my vibe, it's your karma.
Right? You're preaching to the choir, Abby.
My opponent talks about using tax dollars to beautify our city.
But I ask you, plastic surgeons of San Francisco how about using some of those tax dollars to beautify our citizens? Don't care how many trees you plant in Golden Gate Park it's not gonna hide those ugly people.
And in conclusion When was the last time you went to a doctor? This is my first time, so make a good impression.
Giddyup, western medicine, make me well.
I could write a prescription, but your symptoms seem to be stress-related.
Great, so how about a big old honking bottle of anti-stress-tamines? Think he's saying that you need to slow down.
Are you kidding me, Greg? I have a TV interview in a couple of hours.
- So, doc, are you for HMOs? - No, 'm not.
And why would you be? Here, have a button.
Don't forget to vote on Tuesday.
What do you got, some antibiotics? Some hush-hush experimental drug only monkeys get? Mrs.
Montgomery, have you ever considered something like meditation? Oh, dude, you sound like my mother.
Now come on, hook me up! Do you have any tranquilizers? - No, don't need tranquiizers.
- They're for me.
We, that's a very interesting offer.
Rather than running against each other, we might be able to work together.
- ' Take it up with my wife.
- We' be ready in two minutes.
Thank you.
Can't guarantee anything because from the polls she looks good.
- Real good.
- Better than ever.
Well, well, well.
F it isn't my worthy opponent.
Hi there, Ms.
Love.
Oh, my God.
- Dharma, you have a hump.
- Oh, no, it's an ice pack.
I threw my neck out sneezing.
- What's wrong with your eg? - T's no big dea, it's just a touch of gout.
Gout? T's gout season.
So, what's going on here? You cannot go on like this and Ms.
Love was talking to us about possibly brokering a deal.
If you drop out of the race, ' bring you on as an advisor.
T's a guaranteed way to participate and get your issues addressed.
And then maybe you can rest and get well.
Are you crazy? Why don't you drop out and advise me? - You want advice? Take this deal.
- Didn't give you the job yet, sister.
Well, I suggest that you carefully consider my offer.
You know what? You're scared.
'M breathing down your neck and you're scared.
My own parents, my husband turning against me.
Honey, we're not We're not turning against you.
We're concerned about you.
We love you, Dharma.
We wanna help you.
That's why we've turned against you.
You know what? That's fine.
F you're not gonna beieve in me, ' just do this on my own.
- Dharma.
- Honey, are you all right? - Oh, no, it's fine, it's fine.
Wak it off.
- Come on.
And that's why the voters of San Francisco should not consider this just another local election.
But as an opportunity to make a difference in our beloved city.
That was Karen Love, candidate for the Board of Supervisors.
- Thanks so much for being with us.
- Thanks so much for having me.
And now et's hear from our other candidate, Ms.
Dharma Montgomery.
Hi, Say, it's great to be here.
Dharma, what sets you apart from the other candidates? We, 'm gad you asked.
I am the only candidate offering San Francisco a change without challenging the status quo.
That makes no sense.
And nobody knows that better than I.
Are you okay? Fine, just a little case of the hiccups.
Imagine a San Francisco Okay, I give up.
You win, you win.
Can't take it anymore.
- Who are you talking to? - My body.
T's mad at me.
All right, you know what? Listen, I lied, all right? 'M not a Repubican, hippie, Teamster, lesbian descendent of black disabled sharecroppers.
I just said that because I wanted everybody to like me.
'M just a big od one-eyed, pussy, pimply liar.
But then again, she's no prize either.
Honey, honey, honey.
Oh, God, and I even My own husband.
I lied to my own husband.
Honey, 'm sorry.
I should have been honest with you.
The sex the other night was just awful.
Here's the part don't get.
If he can afford rocket-powered skates why can't he go out and buy himself dinner? T's a metaphor.
We aways want what we can't have.
Oh, look, he painted a tunnel.
Edward, but you are supposed to be looking for the election results.
They' break into the cartoon as soon as something important happens.
Come on, honey.
Everybody's waiting for you.
Why are we having a victory party? 'M not gonna win.
We call it a victory party.
How come you don't turn into a pussy-eyed freak when you lie? 'M a awyer.
Come on.
All your friends are out there and most of them voted for you.
- Most of them? - Honey, you looked like Quasimodo.
Can I have everyone's attention, pease? I just wanna thank you for all your hard work on the campaign.
And in my renewed spirit of honesty I just wanna say, wow, did I blow this.
No, no, no, really.
I let you guys down.
I mean, look at it.
I mean, eight weeks out of your life gone.
I mean, you could have learned to swing dance or gotten a real-estate license but no, you hopped on the down-bound train to loser town.
- What the hell were you people thinking? - Let's hear it for our candidate, okay? Oh, wait, the returns are coming in.
Despite Dharma Montgomery's startling confession earlier this week exit polls show she's gaining ground on front-runner Karen Love.
Apparently, Ms.
Montgomery knew what voters wanted to hear.
/'m just a big old one-eyed, pussy, pimply liar.
- Gaining ground? - What? I mean, are they crazy? Dharma, they're responding to your honesty.
Honey, /'m sorry.
/ should have been honest with you.
The sex the other night was just awful.
How many times are they gonna show that clip? Till it stops being funny.
Dharma, dear I forgot to give you this campaign contribution.
Silly me.
- Kitty, did you just write this? - No, no, no.
Look at the date.
You know, dear, I was wondering, you know those emergency vehicles? Any way you could get them to turn the siren down when they pass through my neighborhood? Is this a bribe? Would you do it for free? Kit, 'm sorry.
F you want my hep, you're gonna have to be nice to me like everybody else.
Dharma, take the check back.
Please, Dharma.
Well, this looks like it's gonna be a tight race.
With 45 percent of the vote counted, it's still too close to call.
- Still too close to call.
- T's too cose to ca.
T's too cose to ca.
- Come on, Kitty, who's your buddy? - Well.
All right.
T's too cose to ca, it's too cose to ca, it's too cose to ca, it's too cose to ca.
With 75 percent of the vote in it looks like our big old pussy, one-eyed, pimply liar has a slight edge.
- That's me.
- That's you.
If I knew it was gonna be this close, I would have registered to vote.
Of course, then they'd know where am.
Where are you, Larry? With 93 percent of the vote in we're confident that we can project a winner.
/t's been an interesting race, full of excitement and a lot of surprises.
/n fact, it reminds me of the last Supervisor's election - Oh, just say it.
- which came down to the wire.
But tonight, we have a clear winner.
- Say my name.
- Karen Love.
That's not my name.
No, no, no, only 93 percent of the votes are in.
- Listen - lf the other 7 percent voted for me you never know.
- Honey, sorry.
/ should have been honest with you.
The sex the other night was just awful.
T's sti funny.
- Come on, honey, it's over.
- Not yet.
- Dharma, 98 percent of the vote is in.
- No, 2 percent is still a lot.
Have you ever had 2-percent milk? T's sti very fatty.
- Election for the Board of Supervisors came down to the wire tonight with Karen Love the eventual victor.
Hey.
I lost.
'M sorry.
What you doing? 'M going to congratulate my opponent.
Hey, Karen, it's Dharma.
You know, I just want you to know it was a really great race and I wish you a lot of luck.
Yeah, and, oh, I was also wondering do you think it's too ate for me to take that dea where 'm your advisor? She called me a lunatic.
T's 4 in the morning.
T's 4 in the morning here too.
You don't hear me caing her names.
- You' get them next time.
- No, it's too much work for nothing.
You're probaby right.
- F run again, it' be for mayor.
- No.
- Mayor Dharma.
- No.
You can't say no to me because 'm the mayor.
- Now, take off your pants.
- Yes, Your Honor.
Over your head.
- They're not istening.
- Yes, they are.
You're doing fine.
Anybody from out of town? Any birthdays? Any surgery you'd ike to tak about? - See? - Go back to the speech.
Because in every culture except ours, the elderly are revered and considered a national treasure.
And I believe that I believe that you have so much to give, that you have a special responsibility to shape the future of our city.
If only someone would give you a chance.
Excuse me.
That is very nice but 'm trying to make a speech here, okay? When I was a little girl some of my fondest memories were sitting on my great-grandmother's knee and I can remember being in awe of all the things she knew and all the places she had What is the matter with you people? 'M trying to bring some dignity and some quality into the few years that you have left.
This can't be news to you.
Well, you got them now.
Vote for Dharma.
Thanks for the pudding.
- I stunk.
- No, you didn't.
Oh, come on, those old people hated my speech.
Well, telling them they were all gonna die soon wasn't exacty, "have a dream.
" T doesn't matter what said they just wanted to party like it was 1929.
Why didn't you tak about your idea for a senior education center? They made me mad, I took it away from them.
Pus, Greg, what if can't get the city to build one? - Don't wanna ie to them.
- You don't have to ie.
All you have to do is say something like: "Magine a San Francisco with a brand new senior education center.
" Or, "No one knows better than I, the importance of continuing education to seniors.
" See what I said there? - Nothing.
- Exactly.
We both know that you' do great things once you get elected but first you have to get elected, and this is how you do it.
We, Greg, don't you think peope are tired of being manipulated? Honey, I love that you believe that.
And when you speak from your heart your face just glows with an incredible inner beauty.
Really? Thanks.
You suck.
You really suck.
And beieve, as 'm sure you a do, that those of us who have been blessed with more should take care of those in need.
I mean, in fact, we should be thankful for the opportunity to help the less fortunate.
Sounds like a toilet upstairs is running.
But et's face it, no one knows better than I that you feel that the people paying the taxes should decide how that money is spent.
Imagine a city where responsible people held the purse strings.
As someone once said, "f poor peope knew how to spend money they woudn't be poor.
" And remember, when you're voting for me you are voting for one of your own.
You are voting for a Montgomery.
- One of your own? - Smile and wave, Kitty, smile and wave.
And no one knows better than I that what you want is a government that provides food and shelter for the sick, for the homeless and the musicians, and the performance artists and those who just need some time to get their heads together, man.
And when you're voting for me, you're voting for one of your own.
The illegitimate daughter of two free souls.
And in conclusion, let me say that no one knows better than me and my close friend Jane the special needs of the gay and lesbian community.
- Where did you get the pit hair? - Cut it off the dog.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
What are you doing? We're heping Dharma.
Come on, give me a little sugar.
'M sorry, honey.
That wasn't my best work.
Are you kidding? Honey, I never even knew that sex with you could be like that.
Really? It was It was okay? Oh, what just happened between us, just now, could never be called okay.
Now, I think somebody needs to get some rest.
- Goddess bless you.
- Thank you.
Dharma, look at this.
You got a thousand dollar check from the Sierra Club.
National Organization of Women, $500.
Wow, look at that signature.
Somebody's angry.
- What's this from the Young Repubicans? - Junk mail.
Gadzooks, I wonder what the Old Republicans give.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey, Greg, look at this.
'M getting money from everybody.
Look, they hate each other.
But they love Dharma.
- Are you feeling all right? - I feel great.
You're burning up.
Abby, does she feel hot to you? - Oh, my goodness, she does.
- Should I call a doctor? Greg, 'm a icensed hoistic heaer and an aromatherapist.
I think I can handle this.
Okay, Dharma, is there some sort of internal conflict going on? No, we're a getting aong just fine in here.
Well, your glands are swollen.
Do you have some unexpressed guilt? What does guilt have to do with it? Please, Greg, don't te you how to practice aw.
- Dharma? - Don't fee guity about anything.
You know what, Greg shot a deer once.
Why don't you tak to him? It attacked me.
Dharma, your body is trying to tell you something.
- You're running a temperature.
- T's just a bug.
No big dea.
Yeah, well, a bug only flies in when there's a hoe in the screen door of your soul.
Sn't that right, Greg? Don't know.
'm not a doctor.
Listen, I have a big fundraiser tonight.
So if you really wanna help me whip me up a batch of your famous eucalyptus snot-buster tea, okay? Dharma, you're gonna get sicker if you don't dea with what's bothering you.
Thanks for putting that vibe out there.
T's not my vibe, it's your karma.
Right? You're preaching to the choir, Abby.
My opponent talks about using tax dollars to beautify our city.
But I ask you, plastic surgeons of San Francisco how about using some of those tax dollars to beautify our citizens? Don't care how many trees you plant in Golden Gate Park it's not gonna hide those ugly people.
And in conclusion When was the last time you went to a doctor? This is my first time, so make a good impression.
Giddyup, western medicine, make me well.
I could write a prescription, but your symptoms seem to be stress-related.
Great, so how about a big old honking bottle of anti-stress-tamines? Think he's saying that you need to slow down.
Are you kidding me, Greg? I have a TV interview in a couple of hours.
- So, doc, are you for HMOs? - No, 'm not.
And why would you be? Here, have a button.
Don't forget to vote on Tuesday.
What do you got, some antibiotics? Some hush-hush experimental drug only monkeys get? Mrs.
Montgomery, have you ever considered something like meditation? Oh, dude, you sound like my mother.
Now come on, hook me up! Do you have any tranquilizers? - No, don't need tranquiizers.
- They're for me.
We, that's a very interesting offer.
Rather than running against each other, we might be able to work together.
- ' Take it up with my wife.
- We' be ready in two minutes.
Thank you.
Can't guarantee anything because from the polls she looks good.
- Real good.
- Better than ever.
Well, well, well.
F it isn't my worthy opponent.
Hi there, Ms.
Love.
Oh, my God.
- Dharma, you have a hump.
- Oh, no, it's an ice pack.
I threw my neck out sneezing.
- What's wrong with your eg? - T's no big dea, it's just a touch of gout.
Gout? T's gout season.
So, what's going on here? You cannot go on like this and Ms.
Love was talking to us about possibly brokering a deal.
If you drop out of the race, ' bring you on as an advisor.
T's a guaranteed way to participate and get your issues addressed.
And then maybe you can rest and get well.
Are you crazy? Why don't you drop out and advise me? - You want advice? Take this deal.
- Didn't give you the job yet, sister.
Well, I suggest that you carefully consider my offer.
You know what? You're scared.
'M breathing down your neck and you're scared.
My own parents, my husband turning against me.
Honey, we're not We're not turning against you.
We're concerned about you.
We love you, Dharma.
We wanna help you.
That's why we've turned against you.
You know what? That's fine.
F you're not gonna beieve in me, ' just do this on my own.
- Dharma.
- Honey, are you all right? - Oh, no, it's fine, it's fine.
Wak it off.
- Come on.
And that's why the voters of San Francisco should not consider this just another local election.
But as an opportunity to make a difference in our beloved city.
That was Karen Love, candidate for the Board of Supervisors.
- Thanks so much for being with us.
- Thanks so much for having me.
And now et's hear from our other candidate, Ms.
Dharma Montgomery.
Hi, Say, it's great to be here.
Dharma, what sets you apart from the other candidates? We, 'm gad you asked.
I am the only candidate offering San Francisco a change without challenging the status quo.
That makes no sense.
And nobody knows that better than I.
Are you okay? Fine, just a little case of the hiccups.
Imagine a San Francisco Okay, I give up.
You win, you win.
Can't take it anymore.
- Who are you talking to? - My body.
T's mad at me.
All right, you know what? Listen, I lied, all right? 'M not a Repubican, hippie, Teamster, lesbian descendent of black disabled sharecroppers.
I just said that because I wanted everybody to like me.
'M just a big od one-eyed, pussy, pimply liar.
But then again, she's no prize either.
Honey, honey, honey.
Oh, God, and I even My own husband.
I lied to my own husband.
Honey, 'm sorry.
I should have been honest with you.
The sex the other night was just awful.
Here's the part don't get.
If he can afford rocket-powered skates why can't he go out and buy himself dinner? T's a metaphor.
We aways want what we can't have.
Oh, look, he painted a tunnel.
Edward, but you are supposed to be looking for the election results.
They' break into the cartoon as soon as something important happens.
Come on, honey.
Everybody's waiting for you.
Why are we having a victory party? 'M not gonna win.
We call it a victory party.
How come you don't turn into a pussy-eyed freak when you lie? 'M a awyer.
Come on.
All your friends are out there and most of them voted for you.
- Most of them? - Honey, you looked like Quasimodo.
Can I have everyone's attention, pease? I just wanna thank you for all your hard work on the campaign.
And in my renewed spirit of honesty I just wanna say, wow, did I blow this.
No, no, no, really.
I let you guys down.
I mean, look at it.
I mean, eight weeks out of your life gone.
I mean, you could have learned to swing dance or gotten a real-estate license but no, you hopped on the down-bound train to loser town.
- What the hell were you people thinking? - Let's hear it for our candidate, okay? Oh, wait, the returns are coming in.
Despite Dharma Montgomery's startling confession earlier this week exit polls show she's gaining ground on front-runner Karen Love.
Apparently, Ms.
Montgomery knew what voters wanted to hear.
/'m just a big old one-eyed, pussy, pimply liar.
- Gaining ground? - What? I mean, are they crazy? Dharma, they're responding to your honesty.
Honey, /'m sorry.
/ should have been honest with you.
The sex the other night was just awful.
How many times are they gonna show that clip? Till it stops being funny.
Dharma, dear I forgot to give you this campaign contribution.
Silly me.
- Kitty, did you just write this? - No, no, no.
Look at the date.
You know, dear, I was wondering, you know those emergency vehicles? Any way you could get them to turn the siren down when they pass through my neighborhood? Is this a bribe? Would you do it for free? Kit, 'm sorry.
F you want my hep, you're gonna have to be nice to me like everybody else.
Dharma, take the check back.
Please, Dharma.
Well, this looks like it's gonna be a tight race.
With 45 percent of the vote counted, it's still too close to call.
- Still too close to call.
- T's too cose to ca.
T's too cose to ca.
- Come on, Kitty, who's your buddy? - Well.
All right.
T's too cose to ca, it's too cose to ca, it's too cose to ca, it's too cose to ca.
With 75 percent of the vote in it looks like our big old pussy, one-eyed, pimply liar has a slight edge.
- That's me.
- That's you.
If I knew it was gonna be this close, I would have registered to vote.
Of course, then they'd know where am.
Where are you, Larry? With 93 percent of the vote in we're confident that we can project a winner.
/t's been an interesting race, full of excitement and a lot of surprises.
/n fact, it reminds me of the last Supervisor's election - Oh, just say it.
- which came down to the wire.
But tonight, we have a clear winner.
- Say my name.
- Karen Love.
That's not my name.
No, no, no, only 93 percent of the votes are in.
- Listen - lf the other 7 percent voted for me you never know.
- Honey, sorry.
/ should have been honest with you.
The sex the other night was just awful.
T's sti funny.
- Come on, honey, it's over.
- Not yet.
- Dharma, 98 percent of the vote is in.
- No, 2 percent is still a lot.
Have you ever had 2-percent milk? T's sti very fatty.
- Election for the Board of Supervisors came down to the wire tonight with Karen Love the eventual victor.
Hey.
I lost.
'M sorry.
What you doing? 'M going to congratulate my opponent.
Hey, Karen, it's Dharma.
You know, I just want you to know it was a really great race and I wish you a lot of luck.
Yeah, and, oh, I was also wondering do you think it's too ate for me to take that dea where 'm your advisor? She called me a lunatic.
T's 4 in the morning.
T's 4 in the morning here too.
You don't hear me caing her names.
- You' get them next time.
- No, it's too much work for nothing.
You're probaby right.
- F run again, it' be for mayor.
- No.
- Mayor Dharma.
- No.
You can't say no to me because 'm the mayor.
- Now, take off your pants.
- Yes, Your Honor.
Over your head.