Empty Nest (1988) s02e18 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on we share it all as life goes on there you go, Laverne.
I rotated his tires, adjusted his brakes, and did some expensive and unnecessary transmission work.
Thanks, Dr.
goodwrench.
Bye, garett.
Bye, nurse Todd.
See you.
Oh.
So what do you think? It's a little overdressed for the Johnson girls vaccination, but it's nice.
Well, tonight's the annual to-do for Nick's ball team.
Gives us a chance to see the wives all dressed up fancy for a change and see the men not spittin' all over Except for Steve marlowe, of course.
Oh.
Well, uh, you might consider leaving the plastic on the dress.
Doctor's office.
Oh, hi, Nick.
- Good morning, daddy.
- Hi, sweetheart.
You left your wallet on the kitchen table.
Oh, jeez.
Thank you so much.
How come you have three pictures of Barbara in your wallet and only two of me? Well, I don't know, dear.
I guess we didn't have as many photos of you as Oh, boy.
Thank you so much.
Laverne, that dress is gorgeous.
What's the occasion? Well, it was a big baseball banquet, but now I'm not goin'.
Why not? Well, Nick just called to say he has to go to Georgia for a few days, take care of a little family business.
- Oh, no.
- Well, Laverne, I'm sorry you're gonna have to miss your night.
Yeah, it's a real shame too.
Nick and I have been in kind of a rut lately.
We could have used some quality banquet time.
Well, Laverne, daddy will take you.
Oh No, it'd just be a bore and an awkward four hours with a bunch of total strangers.
He insists.
Well, if he feels that strongly But I'd insist on drivin'.
It's a date.
That is so nice.
Thank you.
- He'll see you tonight.
- Thank you.
Okay, that's it.
I saw it for sure this time.
I'm not fooling around.
It is a real mouse.
We have a mouse in the house.
Do we have any rat poison? Barbara, what are you talking about? The poor little thing We're not going to use rat poison.
Fine.
Then we'll get a cat.
Barbara, we are not going to kill it.
Why would we kill it? Carol, it's the way things go.
Like on national geographic specials.
Survival of the fittest.
Lions kill hyenas.
Hyenas kill gazelles.
God designed a very beautiful, complicated, delicate balance of nature.
Where's my gun? Absolutely not, Barbara.
You are not going to shoot it.
What if this mouse has a family? What if he's a daddy mouse? And and what if he has a little house and two little daughter mouses? And one of them's a little domestic mouse who does all the cooking for the family? And the other's a little police mouse Who wears too much eye makeup and goes to second base on the first date? Shut up, Carol.
The mouse dies.
- Wow.
- Thank you.
Ooh, daddy, you look terrific.
Thank you so much.
That's Laverne.
Okay, daddy, now, I know you're apprehensive about tonight, but I think you'll fit in fine.
Yes, well, I hope you're right, dear.
Hi.
You're not wearing that, are you? Why? You're dressed formally.
This is the only chance the wives get to dress up, but the men all think dressing up is sissy.
I'll change, then.
No, you won't.
There's no time.
Look, here's the corsage I knew you'd forget.
I'll pin it on myself.
Thank you.
That is so beautiful.
Now, let's move.
Daddy, Laverne, just real quick before you go, what do you think? Do you think that man has the inalienable right to murder smaller animals merely because of his superior size and intellect? I think you need to get yourself a boyfriend.
Daddy, don't answer that.
It's a trick question.
She's talking about a mouse.
We have a mouse.
Oh, a mouse? Well, don't worry about that, girls.
That's what we have dreyfuss for.
Good night.
I was talking to daddy, Barbara.
We're killing it.
Oh, boy.
The river palms country club.
I'm beginning to like this.
Hmm.
Stay with me, Laverne.
I can't.
I got to go help the Miami mustangs mascot into his horse's head.
Now, you just mingle.
Try to fit in.
All right.
- Less filling.
- No, tastes great.
- Less filling.
- No, tastes great.
- Less filling.
- Tastes great.
- I don't believe this.
- Don't walk out on me.
Ah, great.
Somebody else dressed up.
You look good.
Thanks.
So, uh, what position do you play? Waiter.
How you doing? Oh, hoo, hoo.
Uh, I'm fine.
- And how are you? - Fine, fine.
So, uh Less filling.
Hey, I'm with you.
Well, it's been real nice talking to you.
Yeah, so, listen, can I get a scotch and soda? Yeah Oh, no, I don't work here.
Oh, then what's with the waiter outfit? Oh, it's It's a very long story.
Come on, we'll get this thing freshened up for you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's my spitting cup.
Oh, you must be Steve marlowe.
Yeah.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
- I'm Harry Weston.
- Right.
I'm just waiting here for my date to get back.
Your date? You here with the new shortstop? No, no.
I'm here with Laverne Todd.
Oh, Laverne Todd, Nick Todd's old lady.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Oh.
Laverne has a date? Oh, no, she must have found out about Nick and Kathy.
Wait, wait, wait.
Who that's got to be it.
That's got to be it.
Nick's old lady knows all about Nick's affair.
Whoa, wait a minute.
Wait.
Oh, this is big.
This is bigger than big.
This is Real big.
Whoa.
Uh Oh, my god, Nick's having an affair.
Whoo, there's somethin' brewin' in that other room.
It looks like after five years, this "taste great" thing may be comin' to a head.
Uh, yeah, Laverne, come with me a minute.
We have to have a little - Laverne.
- Whoa, hey, nice meeting you.
Laverne, I just want you to know that I know that Nick loves you.
Sweet.
Got to run.
Bye-bye.
Come, dear.
And Kathy Ryan means nothing to him.
It was just one night Two nights at the most.
It was one or two.
But the important thing is it meant nothing.
It was just a fling, a romp You know, a fling or a romp.
Oh, I know, Steve.
It wasn't anything serious.
Now, come on, let's go strap on the feed bag and share some memories, huh? Laverne, uh, you knew about Nick's affair with this woman? This is the first I've heard of it.
Well, I must say, I think you're taking it remarkably well.
Thanks.
Hi, Nick.
I just found out some real interesting information, and I want you to know that I am havin' an affair.
Well, it's not important with who.
Well, if you must know, it's it's Dr.
Weston.
Laverne, Laverne, did you just say what I think I heard you say? Because I think I think you said, "Nick, I'm having an affair with Dr.
Weston," which would have a direct bearing on me, since I'm Dr.
Weston.
I did just blurt that out, didn't I? Well, it's just this whole thing's kind of thrown me for a loop.
Oh, Laverne, good.
Look, you know how I told you that Nick was seeing that other lady? Well, I got my secrets mixed up.
Turns out Lenny phipps is the one who is cheating on his wife.
See, Nick Todd is the one who's gonna surprise his wife with earrings on her birthday.
Whoops.
Oh, well, I better go tell Mrs.
phipps not to get her ears pierced.
Well, food's gettin' cold.
Laverne Don't you think you would like to make another phone call to Nick? Oh, I think we've bothered him enough.
Laverne, the man thinks we're having an affair.
All right, all right.
Stop your bellyaching.
I'll call him.
Oh, but, honey, baby, you know it didn't Ooh, Mrs.
phipps is taking that earring news hard.
Hi, Nick.
It's me.
Uh, I don't know if you remember my last phone call But it was all a mistake.
Yeah, see, I got the idea maybe you were seeing someone, so I got back at you by sayin' I was having an affair with the doctor.
It ain't true.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Bye, sweetie.
Okay, so that's over with.
Well, not exactly.
He didn't believe me.
But I'll just have a talk with him when he gets home.
Oh, by the way, he said he's gonna stop by your place tonight and tear your head off.
Laverne, I'm gonna be real honest with you here.
You're not such a great date.
Who's that? Is that you, Nick? Daddy, what are you doing down here in the dark? Well, it's the mouse.
Um, as you see, I turned off the lights, because, um, as everyone knows, the way you catch a mouse is to paralyze it with fear by shining a flashlight in his eyes.
And I have dreyfuss on a leash to show the mouse I am master of the beasts.
Well, daddy, if you do see the mouse, remember, try to shoo him out the door without traumatizing him Yeah, I got it, dear.
Because every living creature has a Aah! Die! Die! Die! Oh, my god.
I've taken a life.
What's going on? I've killed Mickey.
Good.
That'll teach him to run through the The poor little thing.
I didn't know he'd be so cute.
Look, Barbara, he's moving.
Call 911.
Carol, that's crazy.
They'll never get here in time.
We'll take him to the animal hospital.
I'll drive.
You stick your head out the window and make siren noises.
It's all right.
It's okay.
All right, dreyf, don't worry about this.
Now, listen.
We're alone in the house.
Nick may be on his way over.
We Dreyf! Doctor Weston.
Nick.
Nick, this whole thing with Laverne, nothing happened.
Don't try to deny it.
On the drive here, I had five hours to think about what I was gonna do when I finally got my hands on you.
At first, I was figuring on just using my fists.
Then I thought, "why limit myself creatively?" That's when the notion of pickin' you up and hurling you through your picture window crossed my mind, but I couldn't really remember the layout of your lovely home.
It was only as I pulled up in your driveway that I realized the most fittin' way to deal with this situation.
Oh, yes? Yes? Doctor, I'm givin' you Laverne.
I beg your pardon? Yeah, I've been neglectin' her, and now I've driven her into your arms.
Now, I love Laverne, but I want what's best for her, and that's you A man who's smarter, who doesn't leave town for weeks on end on road trips, a man, I'm guessin', who owns his furniture outright.
There is one thing you should know about Laverne, though.
Between you and me, she can be a might pushy.
Yes, I know.
That's right.
You've lain with her.
Nick, I have not lain with her! Well, since she's yours now, I'd appreciate it if you'd explain this situation to her.
Nick, Nick, please just wait a second.
Let me explain.
You take care of that woman.
But, Nick! I'm coming, Nick.
Laverne, I'm not looking.
Well, it's a little late now.
I already gave you a lifetime full of memories.
Come on in.
Laverne, Nick was just at my house.
I'm sorry about that.
But when it comes to me, Nick does tend to get overemotional and let his fists do the talking.
No, no, no, no, no, it wasn't like that.
He still thinks we're having an affair, but he has this crazy idea that somehow I would be better for you than he is, so he gave you to me.
I don't believe it.
Well, it's true.
It's ridiculous.
Laverne, you got to talk to him.
You got to tell him you love him and you want him back.
Why would I want him back? What? The Nick I fell in love with would never give me up without a fight.
If that's the fella he's become, I can do without him.
Now, if you'll excuse me, doctor, I think I'll put on something shapeless and unrevealing.
Laverne, remember that bad time I was having at the banquet? It's looking real good now.
Daddy, we need to talk to you.
About what? Nibbley.
Nibbley? Yeah, you know, the cute little mouse that Carol bashed over the head with the broom.
I didn't bash him, Barbara, and if you don't mind, I feel bad enough about this.
I just thank god the skull X-ray turned out negative.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You had skull x-rays done on a mouse? They ran a whole battery of tests, and it's a good thing, too, otherwise we would have never found out about the cataract.
Cataract? Yeah, they did laser surgery on it, and the vet says he should regain full sight in that eye.
All right, just just let me get this straight, please.
The mouse we were going to kill is now in post-op? That's what we wanted to talk to you about, daddy.
They're sending you the bill.
That's just great, girls.
Now Go away.
Nick and Laverne are on their way over here.
- Oh, are they back together? - No, I'm working on that.
Neither one of 'em knows the other one's gonna be here.
There they are.
Come on, let's go.
Barbara, I'm worried.
When nibbley regains consciousness, do you think he'll remember me? Oh, Nick.
Oh, hi.
I thank you so much for coming over.
Well, you said it was important.
Well, it is.
It really is.
Please, come on, sit down.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
To own something like this Well, someday, you know Stay right there now.
Hold on.
Come come in.
Let's go.
Oh, you didn't tell me he was gonna be here.
- You.
- I'm leaving.
Laverne, sit down.
Hey, no one talks to my woman that way.
Oh, she's your woman.
Forget it.
Laverne, please, please, please, dear, sit down.
Please.
Now, listen to me.
The two of you, please listen to me here.
Nick, you love Laverne, but you've got this ridiculous notion that somehow I'm better for her than you are.
And, Laverne, you love Nick, but you don't think he cares for you, because he gave you up too easily.
Well, if I thought for a second that Laverne still had some love left for me, there would be nothin' in this world I wouldn't do to get her back.
Nick, that's that's great.
That's all Laverne's been waiting to hear.
Laverne, you heard that.
Now go home poof, poof.
Live happily ever after.
Not so fast.
His words are pretty enough, but talk is cheap.
What if I was to beat the tar out of this charmin', well-to-do pediatrician? Now, Nick, that wouldn't accomplish anything.
Would it, Laverne? Well, you're right.
Fist-fightin' wouldn't prove nothing.
I'd still have that nagging feeling you could offer Laverne things I can't.
No, I got to beat you at your own game, on your own turf.
We'll have a battle of wits.
Nick, are you sure you want to do this? We'll play password Winner gets Laverne.
Oh, password.
Yeah, I got the travel version out in the pickup.
This is nuts.
This is nuts.
I thought we would get together, discuss this like rational human beings, and now I'm playing password for you? I'm okay with that.
Okay, let's get down to it.
Call it.
Heads.
Tails.
- I get first clue.
- Okay.
Okay, Laverne, we don't have one of them fancy announcer fellas, so you're gonna have to cover your ears.
The password is "Bail.
" Okay, Laverne.
Ready? - Ready.
- Ready? Bail.
Darn it, I've said the word.
Better cover up your ears again.
The password is "Cold.
" Okay, Laverne.
Brr.
Saddle.
Lamppost.
Cold.
How do you get "cold" from "lamppost"? "Lamppost" makes me think of streets.
Streets make me think of parkin' lots.
Parkin' lots make me think of supermarkets.
Supermarkets makes me think of TV dinners.
TV dinners makes me think of the freezer section Ooh, cold.
Dang, I was debating between "brr" and "lamppost.
" Went the wrong way.
I sure am gon' miss you, sweetheart.
Nick, don't leave.
It's you I love.
I just wanted you to care enough to fight for me.
But I lost.
It ain't the winnin', it's the tryin'.
Oh, Laverne.
You know, in some ways, this affair was the best thing ever happened to our marriage.
What affair? There never was an affair! I only wish I could believe that.
Oh, just take a look at him.
I mean, look at those bird legs.
You think I can crawl between the sheets with those? Frankly, that always troubled me.
Oh, Laverne, how could I have ever doubted you? Oh, back at cha.
Let's go home, honey.
We got a lot of making up to do.
That's over with.
Dreyf, now we get back to normal.
Okay, daddy What do you think?