Everybody Loves Raymond s02e18 Episode Script

What? What's wrong? What happened? You kicked me.
I did? Right in the garden of good and eviI.
Honey, I'm sorry.
What is I think we found the kicker.
What is she doing in our bed again? It's every night.
Good God, y'all! Honey, is there anything I can do? You can learn to love half a man.
Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island with my wife, Debra my 6-year-old daughter and twin 2-year old boys.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now, not every family would defy gravity for you but mine would because Everybody loves Raymond.
Hey, you didn't Look at this place.
Let's just declare it a landfill.
Remind me again, why did we have the children? Because I'm a sassy, sexy man.
You just can't keep your hands off me.
Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.
- Yes, I can.
What are you throwing the big bear for? - Daddy.
- What? You shouldn't throw toys.
She started it.
- Ally, what are you doing up, sweetie? - Can I sleep in your bedroom? Not this time, honey, okay? Look, you have a beautifuI Swedish bed that took Daddy three days to put together.
But there's monsters in my room.
- Come on - That's okay, go ahead.
Sleep in our bed.
Okay.
What did you do that for? She's having trouble sleeping alone.
She needs her rest.
- Her rest? What about my rest? - Ray, she's afraid of monsters.
Come on.
Well, I'm afraid of her.
What do you want to do about it? - What does the book say? - Which book? I don't know.
How To Grow a Kid.
They all say different things.
They're very confusing.
So why don't you just read the damn books? If they're confusing for you You might like them, Ray.
Some of them have pictures of breasts.
They're just drawings.
But the twins can sleep.
How come they're not afraid of monsters? I don't know.
One of them sleeps while the other one's on guard duty.
I can't do this tonight.
I can't keep going to work like this.
- Well, what about me? - What? You don't have to What's that, Ray? I don't have to You see? I can't think clearly with the no sleep.
I'm talking nonsense here.
Of course you Frank, get in here.
Your eggs are getting cold.
If he thinks I'm gonna warm them up for him, he's got another thing coming.
- You tell him, Ma.
You're not his slave girI.
- You're damn right.
- I'm here for you, Ma.
- Good.
- Good morning, dear.
You hungry? - No.
What's the matter? What did you do to yourself? My back is a little stiff, that's all.
I slept half off the bed last night 'cause I didn't want to get kicked again.
Raymond, a married couple should never go to bed angry.
Not a hard and fast rule in this house.
But it's not about Debra and me.
It's about Ally.
She keeps sleeping in our bed at night.
Monsters? - How'd you know? - I know.
Now you come down.
Are you happy? Those eggs have been sitting there for half an hour and I am not warming them up.
How can you eat them? They're stone-cold! They're fine.
Give me them.
I'm warming them up.
- Ma, listen, you still got that heating pad? - Sure we do.
Robbie, get Raymond the heating pad.
I got a better idea.
- I'll crack your back.
- What? No.
- Calm down.
- No, get out of here! I know what I'm doing.
Take a deep breath.
- Will you let go of me? - You're too tense.
Relax! You'll sever his spine! Frank, help me.
Better? No.
I'll get the heating pad.
Ray, you look awfuI.
Toast, Marie.
I see you're still clipping your toenails at the table, Dad.
You know something, Raymond? Maybe it's Debra's cooking.
That's why Ally gets up in the middle of the night because of the terrible indigestion.
Ma, Ally eats fine, okay? It's just we have to get her back in her own bed, that's all.
- We got all the books.
- Books? I needed no books when I was raising you kids.
No.
And my parents didn't use them, either.
Good, I come from a long line of illiterates.
Raymond dear to raise children, all you need is love and common sense.
When I had trouble sleeping, Mom used to do something for me.
Remember that, Ma? One of my best memories growing up.
You'd give me a warm cup of that colored sugar water.
Put me right out.
That was booze.
Booze? A stiff shot of sambuca in there, and it was, "Lights out, Bobby!" - You gave me liquor? - Not liquor, dear.
Liqueur.
I don't believe it.
- All those speciaI times, they were just - Happy hours.
Mom, you are sick! We were good parents.
We didn't give you cashews 'cause you could choke on them.
What's the big deaI? It's not like we let him drive that way.
All right, I'm going to bed.
Hold on, Ray.
I want to tell you something about bed.
- Please don't.
- I know what's going on.
You got to do something.
It affects the marriage.
Am I wrong? Whatever.
I remember what we used to do when you were a kid.
Maybe I shouldn't hear about this.
Tough love.
Every time you crawled into our bed, I'd say, "Marie, take him back.
" You bawled your little eyes out but after a while, you got with the program.
I don't think I could put Ally through that.
What are you going to do? You're going to turn your girI into a sissy? You can't coddle your children, 'cause when you send them out there they're going to move right back in with you.
I don't want to hear it, Ma.
- It was for your own good.
- For my own good? Just like the ice cream truck? Remember that? You told me every time the music played that meant they were out of ice cream.
Sugar's not good for you.
It is the worst thing for a hangover.
Daddy.
- Ray, come on.
- What? - What are you waking me up for? - Daddy! She's calling you.
This is your plan.
You have this big tough-love idea.
You deaI with her.
You're not supposed to deaI with her, okay? That's the "tough" part.
- Go to bed, Ally.
- Read me another story.
Come on, Ray.
How can you do this? Believe me, there are worse things we could do.
I'm hungry.
Ray, come on.
Go to her.
We're never going to get sleep this way, either.
She's just playing us.
Believe me, this is for her own good, okay? If you coddle her now, she'll never move out.
Hello? There's a striking similarity between the tough-love plan and the dad-does-nothing plan.
I know, that's what attracted me to it at first.
But now I think it all makes sense.
- Mommy! - Well, not to me.
- Okay, honey, I'm coming.
- No.
You can't go.
You're going to turn her into a sissy, okay? You have to have self-discipline, like me.
Just lay down.
- No.
- Let go! Don't bring her in here.
You're going to undo all my work.
Okay, fine, Ray.
I won't bring her in here.
God forbid we should disturb you.
I'm going to sleep in her room.
Come on, Deb.
What are you I can't sleep by myself.
I'm hungry.
Daddy! Catch me.
- Did you have a good night's sleep, Ally? - Yes.
Good for you.
No, don't even act tired.
What? I am tired.
Poor Ray, you got a queen-size bed all to yourself.
I spent the night on the Swedish rack.
Well, I couldn't sleep without you.
I've grown accustomed to your nose whistle.
Yeah, Ray, it's all about you and how you couldn't sleep.
- Did you drink from this already? - No.
- Well, the top didn't pop.
- What? Did you check it at the supermarket? 'Cause the top was popped up already.
It's fine, Ray.
You got to check them when you buy them.
Why don't you buy them? Then you can check them! Yeah, if I bought them, I wouldn't buy one that had been tampered with.
Nobody tampered with it.
I just had some.
You just said you didn't.
I forgot.
- Well, when you opened it, did it pop up - I don't know! I am tired! I'm not drinking this.
I'll wait and see what happens to you.
All right, I'm sorry.
Look, don't you see what's happening? We're hostages.
She's using sleep deprivation to break us.
- What are we going to do? - "We"? There's been no "we" here, Ray.
I've been "we.
" How about you be "we"? You sleep in Ally's room tonight.
No, I can't.
She needs to sleep with at least one of us.
And tonight, that's you.
I'm "we" and "us" now, right? That's, like, four people.
Then why don't the four of you help me get the kids ready for schooI? Look, about tonight I have a big day tomorrow.
You know what, Ray? Tough love.
All right, honey.
Now, Mommy went to bed early tonight but we don't need Mommy to fall asleep, right? - Right.
- Okay.
Good night.
Good night, Ma.
Good night, sweetie.
We'll be okay.
We'll be fine.
Yeah, just keep it down, okay? Are you sure this is going to be all right with Debra? Listen, she's going to thank me for a good night's sleep and it'll prove to her that it doesn't have to be one of us in here and we have other options You got to be out of here by 5 a.
m.
- I'm happy to help.
- Yeah, okay.
- What are you doing? Where are you going? - I have to use the bathroom.
Now? I told you to go before you came over.
I didn't have to go then.
Great.
Now the whole plan just blows up because you couldn't go when you were supposed to? I'm sorry.
Can I go now, Raymond? - All right.
- Thanks, Raymond.
And no humming.
What are you doing? I thought you were gonna spend the night in Ally's room.
No, it's okay.
I told Ally if she needs to come in that I'm here for her.
But I think my little talk did the trick and we're going to have a good night's sleep, you and I.
Well, I know I am.
- Okay.
Good night.
- Good night.
Do you hear humming? That's the pipes.
No, that's outside.
It's not You know what? I don't hear anything.
I think it stopped.
Yeah, it stopped because it was nothing to begin with.
- You sure that wasn't Ally? - No.
She's asleep.
I read to her, and I tucked her in you know, with the blanket with the ruffly ruffles.
And then I sang to her.
You know, I sang really soft.
You know, as I'm singing to her you could see her little eyes were just And then she said, "Daddy, I love you.
" And then just Off to sleepyland.
- That's so cute.
- What? Where are you going? I was so wiped out, I forgot to kiss her good night.
I'll give her No, let her sleep.
Look, she kissed me goodnight, so here.
From her to me to you.
You don't want to wake her.
You don't want to take that chance 'cause that will spoiI everything.
For you.
- That's true.
- Yes, that's true.
I'm very true.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Thanks for helping, Ray.
Ray, I think that's for you.
- Ray, Ally's at the door.
- Well, of course it's Ally.
Go to sleep, Ally.
Remember what we talked about.
I'll see you in the morning.
Where's Marie? I just got back from the lodge.
I can't find Marie anywhere.
- Well, she's not here.
- That's right, Debra.
You're right.
Mommy.
- Are you okay? - Mommy, Grandma turned into a monster! Grandma? Ally, honey.
Come here, baby.
It's just me with some cold cream.
Marie, what are you doing here? Yeah, I looked all over for you.
I left a note on my pillow saying I was sleeping over here tonight.
Why are you sleeping over here tonight? We're waiting, Ma.
You snuck your mother in to sleep with Ally? No! Yeah! Just for tonight, that's all.
All I wanted was one night's sleep for us, that's all.
This is restfuI.
Nobody checked this with me.
Why should they? It's none of your business.
- Where you sleep is my business! - Oh, yeah? That's right.
You're my wife.
You sleep with me.
- You care where I sleep all of a sudden? - I don't care! I just can't sleep without you! Frank, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
Don't kiss me with that stuff! - Ray, can we go home now? - Yes.
Once again, thanks for everything.
That was kind of sweet, wasn't it? Ally, can you go to your room, please? I need to speak to Daddy.
No, she doesn't have to go.
She's scared.
Ally, you can stay here as long as you want.
The twins.
They can't sleep.
Come on, guys.
The bed's open! Plenty of good seats still available.
The family bed.