Ghosts (2021) s02e18 Episode Script

1
SAMANTHA: Hi, come on in.
Hi. I'm checking in.
Alicia Walker.
Yes, welcome.
Let me just find your reservation.
And now she's going
to do that thing where
she pretends that there's
multiple reservations
to make it seem as if this
business is doing well.
Uh-huh, here it is. (CHUCKLES)
The Maple Suite for one night.
So, Alicia, what brings
you to Ulster County?
Actually, sort of you do.
You're Samantha, right?
From the Alberta Haynes murder podcast?
Oh, we got a fan.
Yeah, that's me.
I just had to come see the
place where Alberta died.
- She's sort of a personal hero.
- Oh, Sam,
you got to upgrade this girl.
She is too good for
Maple. Put her in Pine.
And bust out the free Toblerone.
Actually, Alberta and I are related.
ALBERTA: What?
She's my great-grandmother's sister.
Oh, my God.
This is my baby sister Reese's kin.
Wow. That's so cool. A
relative of Alberta's?
Sam, ask her how many
other kids Reese had.
- Can I ask you
- And, uh,
what their names were and
how many kids they had!
Aah! I have so many questions.
I should probably whittle
it down to just one to start.
ALBERTA: I haven't spoken to
a family member in 100 years.
What happened to Uncle Al?
Did he ever kick that
gambling addiction?
Oh, and what about
Are you still thinking of the question?
Yeah, it'll be a minute.
♪
What's going on?
We're watching this sauce simmer.
Jay's making his secret ragù recipe.
Interesting. I guess you could say
this is a house of secrets.
Right, Hetty and Trevor?
What does that mean?
Uh, he's clearly referring
to the secret stash
of chocolates that Jay keeps
hidden in his sock drawer.
Yes.
That's what I was talking about.
(SCOFFS)
Okay. Well, this needs
another 45 minutes.
I'm gonna go watch the bird bath.
I hate my life.
Can you believe that?
Yeah, you want to get in
on that bird bath action?
I'm talking about Nigel.
He walked in on us in the throes of
you know, and now he's taunting us
with his knowledge of our affair.
Yeah, whatever.
I'm not losing sleep
over that British twerp.
It's intolerable.
I do not like being in this position.
Well, I know a position
that you do like being in.
How dare you?
Oh, meet me downstairs in five minutes.
ALBERTA: So, what does she do?
(GASPS) Oh, is she married?
Uh, so, uh, what do you do, Alicia?
I'm a lawyer.
Oh, that means she's smart.
Y'all know how hard it
is to get into law school?
- I went to law school.
- Shut up, Flower.
So, is she seeing anyone?
I don't see a ring. Sam,
find out the scuttlebutt.
Are you married or dating anyone?
Oh. Okay. Uh, I've been dating,
but, you know, uh,
i-it's tough out there.
The apps are a nightmare.
She hates apps? Has she
tried jalapeño poppers?
(CHUCKLES) The only
nightmare is when you're done.
I used to crush it on
the dating apps, okay?
Do you have a picture
with a dog or a tiger? Ooh,
have you learned the
trick where you photoshop
- yourself in front of Machu Picchu?
- Jay.
Sam, we got to get this
thing back on track.
You know who did have an
interesting dating life is Alberta.
Ooh-hoo! Oh, yeah.
All those bootleggers and gangsters.
Oh, yeah, I did have a
type, but what you gonna do?
The bad boys are much more fun.
Oof, sorry, Pete.
Yeah, that felt pointed.
You know, she just had
such a colorful life.
Ooh, ooh. Did you ever hear
the story about her performing
and there was a fight that
broke out in the front row?
(LAUGHS) Alberta straight-up
knocked out one of the
guys with her mic stand
and just keeps on singing.
Hit him right on the
downbeat. No one even noticed.
You know what, babe?
You should have Alicia on the podcast.
Oh, wow, I'd love to be on the pod.
Great idea. I will reach
out to my co-host Todd
and see if he's available.
(ALL GROANING)
Can't you just interview
someone yourself?
We don't need to drag
creepy Todd into this.
I'd love to meet Todd.
ALBERTA: She doesn't
understand what she's saying.
She's never met Todd.
And of course Todd
would be extremely hurt
if I recorded an episode without him.
Uh, yeah, I already agreed.
That's fine with me.
Ugh, fine. Let's get that
weird little man back here.
(CLEARS THROAT) All right,
you filthy little teapot,
you have us over the proverbial barrel.
What will it take to buy your silence?
You know, I haven't really
given it much thought.
(QUIETLY EXCLAIMS) Though,
I suppose if pressed,
I would like to reside
in the room with the TV.
Dude, that's my room.
Oh, I guess it is.
Well, this will be easy.
We switch rooms, and no
one will ever be the wiser
about your dirty little liaison.
Done.
Lovely.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. I love my room,
and I don't want to live in a library.
When I was alive, I didn't
even like going in the library.
You know what, we don't
even care if people find out.
(LAUGHS) Mm. You're serious. Nigel,
Trevor and I need some time to discuss.
Of course. I will stay tuned.
That's a little television joke
in honor of where I'm about to move.
I hate British humor.
Landship just pull up.
Alberta's voice blaring from stereo.
Okay, you know "stereo" but not "car"?
I think you're doing this on purpose.
Ugh, that must be Todd.
- The things we do for family.
- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
Hello, Woodstone!
(SIGHS)
Oh he's back.
To clarify, I said "he's
back" not "his back,"
which is the thing that
has your face on it.
Hey, uh, Todd. This is Alicia.
Alicia, this is my co-host, Todd.
It's exciting to meet a descendant
of the great Alberta Haynes.
Oh, wow, it is so nice to
meet you. I'm a huge fan.
You know, I actually read your book.
Oh, you're the one.
(LAUGHS) You're funny.
Fairly confident that was not a joke.
But thank you, that means a lot.
The life of a historian is a lonely one.
We don't do it for
the glory or the fame.
Or the ability to move
out of your mother's house.
Vox clamantis in deserto.
Excuse me?
"A voice cries out in the wilderness."
Yes, yes, that's exactly
how I feel sometimes.
- Were you a classics major, too?
- Minor.
I majored in dance.
But it's great to meet a fellow scholar.
ALBERTA: Okay, what the
hell is going on here?
- I'm no expert, but it seems like they're hitting it off.
- (GASPS)
I'm gonna, uh, go freshen up,
but, Alicia, I can't wait to talk
all things Alberta with you later.
Can't wait.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- Is he single?
- (GASPS)
I've never asked, but
I'm going to assume yes.
I can't believe it.
My descendant is hot for Todd.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Alberta's
descendant was into Todd?
She found him charming and funny.
She asked if he was single.
Todd? The guy who has
Alberta's toenail in a jar?
And has a computer printout
of what his and Alberta's baby
would look like? That Todd?
- Yeah.
- THORFINN: To be fair,
baby did look pretty cute.
Sam! Help! Oh!
I just eavesdropped on
their romantic stroll.
They're making plans to have
dinner together here tonight.
Golly, dinner? That's
the most romantic meal.
It's the one that's usually inside you
when things get frisky.
Thank you, Pete.
How is this happening? Todd?
It is puzzling.
That said, Benjamin Franklin
was a celebrated womanizer,
and he looked like a walrus.
Ha! Sam, if you think about it,
this is kind of your fault.
My fault? How is it my fault?
Well, you always edit
out all the weird stuff
he says on the podcast.
Yeah, 'cause I want to make him seem
credible and professional
Oh, my God. I've normalized Todd.
You have to fix this, Sam.
How can I possibly fix this?
They are two consenting adults.
If the problem is Alicia
is unaware of Todd's
weirdness, you must
simply illuminate her,
like we did with the colonists
when it came to the
evils of King George.
Oh, get over it.
(SCOFFS) Truth hurts, sweetie.
(CHUCKLES) You two.
Isaac's right. You
just need to tell Alicia
all the weird stuff
that we know about Todd.
Yes, codblock him.
Is term I learned
from watching reality dating show.
Best way to stop guy from getting girl,
codblock him.
It's not "codblock." It
- It doesn't matter. Either way, it feels wrong.
- Sam,
you have to do this, for me.
As you know, I died young.
- Young-ish.
- Whoa.
THORFINN: (CLEARS THROAT) Sorry.
(CHUCKLES) Reality TV making Thor catty.
And one of the worst things
my murder took away from me
was my chance to have kids,
to be a parent and help
guide someone through life.
And now that Alicia's here,
this could be my one
chance to help my family.
Please.
You're right.
Let's codblock Todd.
Oh, yes!
- Yes! Codblock!
- (CHEERING)
What are we celebrating here?
PETE: We're denying two
lonely people a chance at love.
Not sound great when
you put it that way,
but will be fun to watch. Yes.
Okay, so, what's the play here, huh?
We're gonna dig up dirt on Nigel?
The play is that we're going
to do exactly what he wants.
You're giving him your room.
But I don't want to do that.
And who cares if he tells people?
Isn't it more exciting when it's hidden?
I mean, sure,
but we can figure something
out. We can role-play.
Maybe you're a mermaid
and I'm the co-owner
of a wholesale fruit
and vegetable business.
We're not doing Splash. Stop asking.
Now, let's just go talk to Nigel
and get this whole thing over with.
Wait, I thought this was
all just a bit that you did.
That you're embarrassed
of being with me.
(LAUGHS) I just thought
it was playful
if a little mean
banter, but it's real?
You're that ashamed?
Oh, how do I put this?
I was a woman of extremely high status,
and you
got bombed at Mardi Gras
- with your Lehman Bros.
- Yeah, we did.
Also, the pants thing.
The pants thing is hard to get past.
So, I'm not good enough for you?
Well, I mean, that's more harsh
than I would have liked
to have put it, but
Well, you don't have to
be embarrassed anymore.
- Because this is over.
- What?
No more hooking up, no
more whatever this is.
Oh, God, don't be so dramatic.
I'm not kidding.
I was fine keeping it a secret
when it was just 'cause
it was hot, but this
this doesn't feel good.
And the pants thing was
because of a hero move.
Why does no one remember that?
(SIGHS)
ALICIA: So,
did you always know you
wanted to be a historian?
And follow-up, is one a historian
if they also wait tables at
something called Bennigan's?
All of my life. And I
truly love it, you know?
I love my subject.
- It is not mutual.
- What about you
do you like being a lawyer?
Honestly, it's fine.
But, I don't know,
sometimes I feel like
I took the safe path.
What's wrong with safe?
Girl, you killing it.
Yeah, she drive landship
with seats made of cow.
Okay, I've heard you
say "leather" before.
Are you messing with us?
I guess if I had to do it over again,
I've always thought I could
be a singer, like Alberta.
You should absolutely do that.
He's trying to turn her
into me, the creepy bastard.
Do you really think so?
Yes, solicit career advice from the guy
who lives with his
mother, that's a good move.
Hey, we wouldn't be here
today if Alberta Haynes
hadn't had the guts
to go after her dream.
That's very true, Todd.
Thanks.
(GASPS)
(GASPS) Oh, hand-on-hand action.
Looks like Todd just got to first base.
Oh, Sam, get in here.
Cod need blocking now!
Hey, uh, so how's it going in here?
Very well.
Let me put it like this:
if either of these two have a van,
they're both gonna be in it soon.
Hey, Todd, I almost forgot,
uh, how's your mom doing?
Uh, she's good. Thanks, Sam.
SAMANTHA: Yeah? Cool.
He lives with his mom.
So, uh, mind if I join you guys?
Nice codblock, Sam.
So, you live with your mom?
Just while I look for my own place.
Oh, it's pretty convenient
for work, though, right?
Because the museum is in her garage.
- Is it?
- TODD: For now,
but interest in Alberta
is really picking up.
Speaking of why don't you
show Alicia the tattoo of Alberta's face
that you have? I-It covers,
like, the majority of his back.
- She went there. Wow.
- It's so gross.
- Well, we're at the dinner table.
- ALBERTA: Don't let up.
Hit her with the toenail.
By the way, uh, do you
still have Alberta's toenail
on display at the museum?
ALICIA: Her toenail?
Why do you have her toenail?
I bought it online.
So, enough about me.
Where did you go to college?
He wants to clone Alberta.
(CHUCKLES) It's very exciting.
I should let Todd speak about it.
Cloning?
Uh, yeah, it's pretty
normal historian stuff.
Hey, would you rather go out for dinner?
Just the two of us?
I have a discount at Bennigan's
if there's one around here.
You know what, Todd?
I think we should just forget dinner.
Yes! Cod got blocked,
you creepy bastard.
Was it the toenail thing?
It didn't help.
Well (GROANS)
I'm sorry it didn't work
out for the two of us,
but that's the longest relationship
I've had in several years.
Thank you.
Ooh! Bullet dodged.
Victory on my first day as a parent.
Thank you, Sam.
He seems so normal on the podcast.
Oh, he is a little eccentric. (CHUCKLES)
Well, it's all good now.
Your auntie's watching over you,
making sure you don't trip up.
He's definitely weird,
but he did have one interesting thought.
- Oh, what was that?
- He said I should
quit being a lawyer to pursue
my dream of a singing career.
And he was right. I'm gonna do it.
Wha Uh-uh, no! I just fixed you.
Why are you doing something dumb again?
That's the thing about parenting.
The victories are very short-lived.
Welcome to club.
I'm going after my dream.
(GROANS) Damn it, Todd.
Trevor, what are you doing in here?
Just hanging out in my new room.
This is the most time
I've spent in a library
since I found out that Penn
had Playboy on microfiche.
- Well, but You switched with Nigel?
- Well,
he said that he was
still gonna tell everyone
about you and I if I
didn't give up my room.
(GROANS)
And while I don't give a crap
(SIGHS) I know you do.
But you broke things off.
Why, then, still do
something selfless for me?
Because, Hetty, that's
the kind of guy I am.
Kind of guy you could've had if
I wasn't such an embarrassment.
Now, please leave.
My shirt's not long
enough to cover my butt,
and I want to roll over.
ALBERTA: This is a nightmare!
Now Todd's convinced my descendant
she should throw away her
career to pursue singing?
Shouldn't you be happy about this?
She wants to follow in your footsteps.
My footsteps were
hard. It was cutthroat,
full of shady characters
and backstabbers.
I know, 'cause I did
a lot of backstabbing.
I get it. Kids can be a nightmare.
One time, my daughter
Laura lost her headgear
in the garbage disposal.
(CHUCKLES) I don't have a
more relevant adult example
because (GRUNTS, CHUCKLES)
But I feel your frustration.
- (SIGHS)
- THORFINN: I also am expert
at parenting, as father
to adult male baby ghost,
so feel free to lean on me.
Okay, Thor, what should I do?
You should be okay with
Alicia marrying Dane
because she does not know better.
- Child, what?
- SASAPPIS: Yeah, that's wildly unhelpful here, big guy.
Still, if ever come
up, very good advice.
Okay.
HETTY: First, I would like to
thank you all for gathering.
I have an announcement
to make. (CHUCKLES)
This news will be shocking,
so if any of you need
to sit, please do so now.
Wait, are you saying what
I think you're saying?
Are you sure about this?
As sure as I'll ever be.
For the past three months,
Trevor Lefkowitz and I
have been engaged in amorous congress.
Hetty's in Congress?
No, we've been scrumping.
(WHISPERS): Is that a dance?
Playing a game of nug-a-nug?
Must I be vulgar?
Fadoodling!
Oh, for God's sakes, people.
We've been doing it.
- (ALL GASP)
- Oh
I-I can't wait to find
out who their third is.
This is the stuff I
should've known about.
You're slipping, Sass.
ISAAC: You finally
found your stable boy.
Happy for you, Henrietta.
Enjoy the library, Nigel.
There's a chessboard down
there. You may want to study it.
Because I just checkmated you.
Yes, I understood. Thank you.
Good. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
SASAPPIS: Okay,
we got to hear how this happened.
Well, it all started on
a very horny Hanukkah.
Oh, God.
ALICIA: Hi, Todd.
- How you doing?
- Honestly?
Still a little reeling from our breakup.
You literally dated her
for a quarter of an hour.
But I'm a professional,
and I'll push forward.
That's very admirable, Todd.
And thanks again for the pep
talk about my singing career.
Oh, you're actually considering that.
I slept on it and
prayed on it, and yeah,
I might be crazy, but
I don't want to have regrets.
And I know Alberta
would say the same thing.
No, she would not.
Sam, tell her she's being a fool.
You don't quit a job like hers
to pursue some crazy fantasy.
I mean, we don't even
know if the girl can sing.
Have you ever actually done
any professional singing?
A little.
I sing with a wedding
band on the weekends.
Baby girl, that's not the same thing
as making a career out of it.
Right, but it is a pretty
big career change. (CHUCKLES)
Didn't you and your husband quit
your jobs to start this B and B?
- That's a pretty fair point.
- ALBERTA: Yeah, she makes good points, Pete,
which is why she's a good lawyer,
which is why she should stick to that.
Hey, I was thinking,
since you have a big audience,
maybe I could sing on the pod.
Get some exposure.
There was a song
Alberta used to perform
back in the '20s,
the night that she hit
that guy with the mic stand.
Now, I'm not warmed up, but it'll go
a little something like this.
There's a somebody ♪
I'm longing to see ♪
I hope that he ♪
Turns out to be ♪
Someone who'll watch ♪
Over me ♪
Oh, my God, she's incredible.
I'm a little lamb ♪
Who's lost in the wood ♪
I know I could ♪
Always be good ♪
To one who'll watch ♪
Over me. ♪
(ALL CHEERING)
I know, it was amazing.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I think that's good.
Screw it. Sam, you
tell her to go for it.
She better than Alberta.
All right, everybody calm down.
Welcome to the Alberta
Haynes murder pod,
recorded here at Woodstone Mansion.
Located a convenient
distance from the city,
Woodstone B and B features
the world-renowned cooking
of chef Jay Arondekar,
whose tandoori lamb chops
the Menu Hunter recently
called "orgasmic."
She made love to those
chops the way I made love
to the rhythm section of
Country Joe and the Fish.
And now, back to the
Alberta Haynes murder pod.
We're speaking with Alberta's
descendant Alicia Walker
You sure you're okay with Alicia
going after her singing dreams?
Mm. She's got the gift.
I don't know if she gonna make it, but
she won't if she doesn't try.
And if, at some point,
while out there on the road,
she meets and falls in
love with Dane (CHUCKLES)
now you know what to do.
Yes, thank you, Thor.
And as we've discussed,
Alberta was dating Earl Boudreaux
when she died, and
JAY: And in a note found
here at the mansion,
we learned that Earl
and a woman named "T"
wanted to "get Alberta out of the way."
Sweetie, I thought you
were just doing commercials.
Nope. Your mistake was
giving me a microphone.
This is so fun. So,
Alicia, any idea who this T was?
I don't know T,
but my great-grandmother Reese
dated Earl after Alberta's death.
Theresa got with Earl? My Earl?
Oh, my God, I just had a thought
could "Reese" be short for "Theresa"?
Holy cow.
Yes, and-and according
to the family tree,
her sister's name was Theresa.
So, could she be T?
Did my own sister murder me?
Did Alberta's own sister murder her?
(GASPS) Did my own sister murder me?
- Flower, it was a bear.
- Oh, right.
Oh, my God, that would be crazy.