Happily Divorced (2011) s02e18 Episode Script

Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience, and based on what actually happened to me.
Oh.
Excuse me! This is your neighbor speaking! The noise you're making is very irritating.
Ditto! Look, I'm just trying to be nice.
Can you please just keep it down? Keep talking and it'll go down on its own! That does it.
It's like living next door to Charlie Sheen.
Excuse me.
Hi, hi.
- I'm your neighbor.
- Oh.
And I-I know that you're new to the neighborhood, but if you wouldn't mind keeping it down a little bit, some people are just trying to sleep.
It's 9:30! - Okay.
It's Neil, right? - Yeah.
You know, I have to get up very early to Skype my fiance, and he's in London.
- Oh, your fiance's in London? - Mm-hmm.
Well, then who's the man who sings call me maybe in the shower every morning? Eh, that's my ex-husband, Peter.
Yeah, not all of America's got talent.
So, if you wouldn't mind just bringing it down a notch, - I'd really appreciate it.
- No problem, love.
Oh.
Don't do that, don't do that.
You might release the beast.
Uh, eh, uh You know, I don't know how they measure "a notch" in England, but, uh, that ain't it.
Maybe we should go.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Just ignore her, ladies.
She's frustrated.
She's missing her fiance, she's pushing 40, and she's looking at you two lovely young things.
Okay, okay, all right.
You know what? You know nothing about me.
Except for my age, which you nailed.
And frankly, I'm offended that you're not taking me seriously.
Excuse me.
My eyes are up here.
Oh! Uh, well, clearly we cannot come to a meeting of the minds, so, might I suggest that we have a compromise? You should build a privacy wall to keep out the sound.
And what are you gonna do? Hello, did I not just come up with the whole privacy wall concept? Now, if you would like your lawyers to get in touch with mine, they can be reached at legalzoom.
com.
Good night, sir! God, great ass! Oh! Well, that just does it, mister.
You have crossed a line.
I am not a piece of meat! I was talking about her.
Oh.
My mistake.
I'm sorry to have interrupted your weekend with the kids.
? She was certain that he was her one and only ? ? But their union always seemed a little forced ? ? She got married anyway ? ? Turns out that he was gay ? ? They're still in love ? ? But now she's Happily Divorced ? Well, I'm sorry, but when something is supposed to be delivered at 8:00 A.
M.
and it doesn't come until 9:00 A.
M.
, that's just poor business! I don't know what the hell kind of business you people are running here! Fran? Well, I'm sorry, but that noisy neighbor Neil kept me up all night, and then I overslept and I missed my sex Skype with Elliot.
Uh, never had a husband, I don't have a fiance.
I ordered a vanilla latte and this is pumpkin spice, but look, things are tough all over! Well, when was the last time you had sex? Ooh, well, let me see.
Today's wednesday, right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I'm taking my morning break.
What the hell are you wearing? The new neighbor, he is so nice.
He said to come over anytime to use his jacuzzi.
He is the enemy! I'm sorry, but the state of California mandates that I get a 15-minute break to spend as I damn well please.
Oh, fine, go! I don't need you! I do everything myself anyway! Hey, look, you're screaming at Cesar, you've got a paperboy crying in the driveway.
That's it! I will have sex with you.
Get in that bedroom, woman.
I got ten minutes till cupcake wars.
- Peter.
- Well, your loss.
Guess who gets to spend the weekend in Joan Collins's fabulous penthouse condo.
Oh, so she's away and you have to empty the cat's litter box.
No, the cat has been trained to use the toilet.
I have to be there to flush.
Hello, neighbors.
Well, hel-lo! He is a degenerate womanizer.
- Judi.
- Hello.
He likes them young and slutty.
Well, one out of two ain't bad.
Well, Neil, I hardly recognized you when not surrounded by bubbles and Tequila.
How did you know their names? So, listen, I thought about it, and I've decided to build that privacy wall you suggested.
That's very nice.
Thank you.
However, I was looking at the survey with my contractor, and as it turns out, part of your flower shop is on my property.
It most certainly is not! I have the plans right here.
Well, I'll just have to speak with my realtor.
What the hell is he talking about? You remember when you insisted that we punch another six feet out so that you could have a pebbled pathway - and a walk-in fridge? - Yeah.
And I told you to go to the assessor's office to make sure you were staying in our property line? - Yeah.
- Did any of that happen? No.
Well, it appears as if we've had a slight oversight on our part.
Mm-hmm.
So, we would like to discuss this in private.
If you'll excuse us? Sure.
I'll be at my place.
All I did was ask that he put up a simple little privacy wall, and the next thing you know he marches his ass in and tells me that my shop is on his property.
- Fran - Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
I'm just rambling.
What did you ask me again? To take off your bra.
Oh, Elliot, I'm so sorry.
This is supposed to be our sexy time.
From this moment on, it's just you and me, and Fran, hi.
I'm at Joan's apartment.
I forgot my razor.
Does this stubble make me look hot or homeless? Okay, so why don't you tell me what you're gonna do next? Oh, well, I got a cousin, Richard, who's a contractor.
I thought that I would show him the original blueprints Fran, Fran, you know what I do when something's giving me a headache? I get rid of it.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Do you want to see my boobs? Yeah, I would love to.
But what I meant was, maybe you should close the flower shop, sweetie.
Maybe this all happened for a reason.
Maybe you should get on a plane and come be here with me.
Get rid of the shop? But that's That's my business.
Look, just promise me you'll think about it, okay? I gotta take this call.
No, wait a minute, wait a minute.
This is important.
I cut off my call.
Honey, that was Peter.
This is Elton John.
It's a little different.
Not so much.
Babe, I'm sorry.
Oh, all right.
I guess this is what it is when you're engaged to a powerful man.
I mean, Obama makes time for his wife, but, you know, your job's hard too.
"Hey, just chilling in Joan's crib.
" Coming! Crop, red eye, soften, tweet.
Hey, what are you doing here? Hi, Petey.
I gotta talk to you.
I was skyping with Elliot, and he said Holy crap! Would you look at this place? Oh, I never should have given up acting.
Why couldn't they see what I had? Oh, sweetie, they did.
And then, they heard.
Anyway, I was telling Elliot all about Neil and everything, and he said that he thought that I should give up the flower shop and go be with him in England.
Do you think I should go? Yes! What are you, an idiot? Ma! Dori, are you wearing Joan's shoes? She's got 800 pairs.
She's not gonna miss one.
Ma, what the hell are you doing here? She's with me.
Dor, olive's pre-stuffed with blue cheese.
You know the hours this would save me? Our future son-in-law has offered our daughter the chance to never work again, and she can't decide.
Why don't you flip a nickel? That's all you got in your purse.
So, your vote would be that I give up my career? I did.
I was on the road with the sound of music playing the reverend mother.
You know why I gave it up? 'Cause it's kind of hard to climb every Mountain when you're six months pregnant? Sweetheart, what's wrong with letting a man provide for you? I don't know, it's just I've always thought of myself as such a independent, self-sufficient woman.
Oy, I'm gonna kill that Mary Tyler Moore.
Yeah, Fran, don't blow this.
Listen, I know I told you there's a lot of fish in the sea, but truth be told, they ain't looking for 50-year-old snapper.
I don't know.
Relying on a man to take care of me? I mean, is that who I am? One of those women that just shop and get massaged and lay around all day? My God, what is this stuffed with? It's like lying on fresh sourdough.
Yes, and this could all be yours.
So, all three of you think that I should give up the flower shop and go be with Elliot? Yes! Well, that is good enough for me.
I'm not going! Miss Fran? Oh, good.
Cesar, could you hold this? I'm looking for the blueprints from when I built the flower shop.
There's gotta be some kind of a loophole.
- Miss Fran - Oh, look.
Here's when I got my certificate from reaching my goal weight with weight watchers.
Oh, yeah, here's my divorce papers.
Yeah, here's my welcome back letter from weight watchers.
- But Mr.
Elliot - Oh, yeah.
It's about that time for me to go Skype him.
I gotta tell him that I'm not going to England, because I wouldn't sell my place or get rid of it.
The flower shop? I would miss you too much.
And if I Cesar, what's happening here? Hey, Frannie.
Oh, my God, Elliot! Sweetie! Oh, my God! I can't believe this.
I was just about to get undressed and call you.
Well, now you can just get undressed.
Oh, sweetie, wow! This is unbelievable.
What are you doing here? Well, it was gonna be a surprise.
You know, I kind of got the feeling from our phone conversation that you wanted to keep the flower shop.
Oh, God, you see? That's why I love you so much.
Stupid Peter and my stupid parents.
They don't get me at all.
Well, that's why I bought it back for you.
What'd you buy back? Your shop.
I went next door and gave your neighbor a check for the property.
He's a pretty reasonable guy.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You bought back my flower shop? We didn't even talk about that.
That's what a surprise is.
You know, I had a big surprise in this house.
I don't like 'em anymore.
Babe, wait a second.
What's the big deal? I-I got your shop back, now it's yours.
No, actually, now it's yours.
My God, how could you do this to me? I just got here! I mean, that is a huge decision to make, without even consulting me? Wait a second.
I made the decision that you wanted me to make.
You wouldn't have told me if you didn't want me to do something about it.
Fran, when you say you want to go to the movies, I take you to the movies.
When you say you're in the mood for a salad, I know I'm supposed to bring you a salad.
No, you're supposed to bring me ice cream.
It's just, I don't want you to think I'm a pig.
I canceled a recording session, I flew across the ocean, and then I wrote a check for 40 grand to buy back the business that you love.
Oh, my God! How could you do that to me? I don't understand what I did to you.
How could you not understand what you did to me? Fran! Fran! Does anybody understand what I did to her? - Women.
- Can't live with them Can't afford to live without them.
You know, Neil, I really appreciate you giving me the check back.
You didn't have to do that.
Hey, no worries, Elliot.
Look, here's to your first big fight with the fiancee.
I remember our first big fight.
I was heading out for 'nam.
'Nam? A little Vietnamese restaurant on Melrose.
I loved that place.
Fran always wanted to go to via fettuccine.
How did you get out of that one? We compromised.
Fran went to via fettuccine, and I went with her.
I gotta say, I still don't understand what I did wrong.
Ah.
Learn from the master.
"Honey, I was wrong.
You were right.
I love you.
I'm not gay.
" - That's it? - Happy Fran, happy man.
Go get her.
All right.
Thanks, Pete.
Wish me luck, gentlemen.
- Good luck.
- All right.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I don't know.
What are you thinking? Send out for Vietnamese! Absolutely.
Can we talk? All depends on what you have to say.
You were right, I was wrong, and I love you.
Come in.
Let me put my salad down.
Sweetie, do you understand why I was right and you were wrong? I'm not gay.
I love what you tried to do for me, I really do.
But you gotta understand why you don't understand me.
I don't even understand what you just said.
Over here, you.
You know, when my marriage ended, I had nothing except my little flower shop that I started all by myself with nothing.
And even though it doesn't make money, and I'm always on the verge of bankruptcy, and yesterday I just found termites It's all mine.
I get it.
I get how important the flower shop is to you.
No, it's not about the flower shop.
That's what I meant.
It's about what it represents.
It's about my independence.
It's who I am.
So, you know, when I go visit you in England, and we go to some fancy party and somebody says, "hey, Fran, what do you do?" I can say, "well, duchess Kate Middleton I own a flower shop.
" And I don't.
Oh, Elliot, thank you.
You really do get me.
- Mm.
- Mm.
You know, sometimes I just like - to take care of myself.
- Mm-hmm.
But other times, I really, really don't.
Oh.
Good afternoon, Neil.
I got your note.
What's so important? Well, uh, I have a proposition for you.
Your fiance just left! You naughty girl.
Can we please just talk about my flower shop? Don't you mean our flower shop? First of all, I would like to thank you for returning the check to my fiance.
- Mm-hmm.
- From now on, you'll be doing business strictly with me.
Ooh.
Ah, watermarked paper.
Fancy.
Actually, it's pesto.
And, as you can see, I've proposed a generous payment plan.
$500 a month could work.
That's per year.
You do realize this is an absurd offer, and I have no reason to take it? Although Having something to hold over you would give me so much joy.
My eyes are up here.
- Deal? - Deal.
Well, okay then.
I'm gonna say something to you that I've never said to a woman before.
Happy 30th birthday? No, I'm gonna say that I'm very impressed, and that I respect you.
Oh, well Thank you.
Well, it's been a pleasure doing business with you.
Mm-hmm.
Don't cash the check till wednesday.
This is my house, and you are the guest.
Okay, thank you.
Good neighbor.
- Bye.
- See you, bye.