Happy Endings s02e18 Episode Script
Party of Six
Where's Penny? Who shows up an hour late to their own birthday? No, she's actually right on time.
I told you guys to come an hour earlier so you wouldn't be late.
You witch.
You tricked us.
You can't just go around daylight-savings'ing people.
(Whispers) That makes no sense.
Guys, honest opinion.
Does this outfit make me look too much like a tree? You mean like "tree," as in the way that a hard new yorker would say the number tree? 'Cause, yeah, you look (Imitating Al Pacino) like a tree outta ten at best.
Oh! Let's go to Times Square, get some famous Ray's pizza.
Oh-ah! Uh-oh.
I'm stuck in a Pacino.
Hoo-ah! We need to focus, okay? We cannot have a repeat of last year, when Alex and Dave ruined Penny's birthday.
Well, as long as Dave doesn't bring someone from Degrassi Junior High, I'm sure we'll be fine.
Hey, if Degrassi's on the field, play ball.
Am I right? (Sighs) Sorry.
Proud of the wordplay, not the message.
Real talk, guys? Penny's had some roof birthdays.
- To Penny.
- Yay! Aah! (Thuds) (Animal snarling) What is that? Down.
I don't know.
A dog? (High-pitched voice) Aah! It was being cool on the way over! (Grunts) (Paddles thunk) (Horn honks) Oh, boy.
That was the most hilarious near-death experience I've ever seen, and I've seen Anthony Anderson play tennis.
Uh, is it just me, or is Penny's birthday cursed? - Hella cursed.
- Oh, it's it's definitely cursed.
(Nasal voice) There is a curse amongst us.
- Yeah.
- Terribly cursed, which is why we have got to do better this year, okay? Tonight we gotta bring in da noise and, time permitting, also (Deep voice) da funk.
Hey, friends.
- Oh! - Happy Birthday! - Whoa! What you done done, girl? - Oh, man.
I was just talking about you.
Aw.
- You look so good.
- Pen.
(Chuckles) - Hi.
- Hello.
How about you, okay? (Chuckles) (Chuckles) I feel like this is fake, but I love the energy, love the enthusiasm.
What is the plan for tonight? Well, we hope that you have on your eating pants, because we are taking you to drumroll, please (Chuckles) (Sniffles) Nothing? Okay, I hate you guys.
Big Dom's! (Gasps) Big Dom's! (Whispers) Yes.
(Laughs) Are we sure we want to go there? What are you talking about? You were just saying the other day that you love that place.
Yeah, but I heard that since then (Clenched teeth) it's gotten pretty racist (Normal voice) and we got this guy on our hands.
Who? You talking about me? Look, I haven't eaten all day in preparation for this, so I don't care if they sit me next to a Nazi stormtrooper.
Wait.
Darth Vader was a Nazi? Come on, Penny.
Big Dom's isn't racist.
We made a whole thing.
Let's go.
Okay.
The truth is, I'm not allowed to go back there.
- What? - When I broke up with Nick, he wanted us to split up our favorite places so we wouldn't bump into each other, and he insisted on getting Big Dom's.
Wow.
He sucks.
Uh, but the good news is, I got Saul's Discount Eyewear.
Wow.
Yeah.
I am not a great negotiator, but whatever.
Let's just come up with a new plan.
(Nasal voice) The curse of Penny's birthday strikes again.
(Normal voice) Ow.
Ow! - What curse? - Oh, nothing.
We just all decided that your birthday was super cursed.
- Shh.
- Aah.
What? (Exhales deeply) (Chuckles) That is ridiculous.
I mean, have I had some rough ones? Yeah.
(Chuckles) - Yeah.
- Yeah.
(Nasal voice) Yeah, I heard that! (Chuckles) But not being able to go to our first-choice restaurant that is not the sign of a birthday curse.
(Electricity crackles) Power outage.
(Nasal voice) The curse of Penny's birthday has struck again.
Max, you're leaning on the light switch.
(Clicks switch) Oh.
(Electricity powers up) (Nasal voice) The curse of Max's love handles - has struck again.
- Guys, no worries.
There are a million restaurants in this city.
I'm sure we'll find a great for my birthday, like, um (Snaps fingers) (Gasps) Uh Hmm.
(Exhales deeply) Did everybody else's mind just go completely blank? (Chuckles) - Totally blank.
- Yep.
- Yeah, that was crazy.
- So black.
You know what I was thinking about? If Mary Tyler Moore married and then divorced Steven Tyler, then married and divorced Michael Moore, then got into a 3-way lesbian marriage with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, would she go by the name "Mary Tyler Moore-Tyler-Moore-Moore-Moore"? - I'm out.
- Okeydokey.
- Anyways.
- Yeah.
(Clears throat) Ow.
Happy Endings 2x18 - Party of Six Original air date March 14, 2012 Aaaah.
I'm starving, you guys.
Let's throw out some restos.
This is a safe space.
All ideas are welcome, as long as they're not stupid.
Well, you guys are in luck 'cause I kinda have a superpower when it comes to picking the perfect restaurant.
Al, do you remember Christmas night 2005? We were with your diabetic cousin, his vegan girlfriend, and that hasidic Jew we met at the theater third row, third cast, "rent.
" Anyway, we never thought we would agree on a restaurant until, out of the blue, I stand up and I say, "Wu Palace.
" True story.
Yeah.
No reason to make that up.
That was a really beautiful story.
Do you have a suggestion? - Wu Palace? - Yeah, it closed five years ago.
Well, just give me a minute to think.
It's not like superman can just fly whenever he wants.
- Yeah, he can.
- Uh, yeah, he really can.
Well, I don't care.
I am totally happy going wherevs.
I can go for Indian.
Oh, I already had that for lunch.
- I'd do Thai.
- I had Thai for lunch, too.
Barbecue? Oh, my God.
Uh What about tapas? I could do El Toreador.
Oh, no, no.
No dice.
- Mm.
- Can't go back there.
As they say in Spanish Jane and I got caught having sex in the bathroom.
And a few other west-side restaurants are trouble spots as well.
Mon dieu! (Accordion plays) (Speaks foreign language) (Sitar plays) Ohh.
(Flute and koto play) Hey, you guys mind if I tag in? Why do you always get caught? (Scoffs) If we didn't want to get caught, we'd just have sex at home.
(Laughs) Yeah, you dumb idiot.
(Laughs) I got it.
Once again, Dave Rose has the solush.
I have the perfect place, a restaurant that will titillate your senses, activate your neurons - Okay, I can't listen to this anymore.
- and send you I am way too hungry.
Let's just go to Medora and call it a night.
(Penny, Alex, and Brad) - Yeah! - Wait.
(Alex) - That's great.
- Wait.
Do you guys want to hear my idea? (Singsongy) We don't care.
It's it's a good idea.
Shh.
My superpower.
Wu Palace.
Oh, my God.
That food smells so good.
I can't believe we were able to get the last table.
(Sighs) It is my 29th birthday miracle.
(Dave, Max, and Jane) - 31st.
- All right.
We'll split the difference, call it 30.
(Sighs) It's still wrong.
Either way, there is no birthday curse.
I mean, I think this place is even better than Big Dom's.
- Mm-hmm.
(Max) - Oh, yeah.
Totally.
You know who would love this place? That barely-legal junk-box that Dave brought to Penny's birthday last year.
You know the one with the tramp stamp and the tongue ring and the bad hat? And she's right behind me, isn't she? No.
Oh, that's 'cause she's over there.
(Penny gasps) (Alex) What?! (Whispers) Oh, my God.
It's Jackie.
Guys, I did not know that Jackie worked here.
We can't stay.
(Nasal voice) The curse of Penny's birthday - strikes again, my friends.
- What? Okay.
First of all, there is no curse.
Secondly, that was over a year ago.
She probably doesn't even remember us.
Well, look who it is.
My least favorite people ever.
Great to see you again.
- Here we GO! (Clenched teeth) - That bitch still young.
So, Jackie, how's high school? Well, Alex, if you must know, I'm graduated.
(Alex and Penny) - Oh.
(Singsongy) - Mm.
- That's good.
Congrats.
- Now I'm waiting tables to save money for stripping lessons so that I can save money for junior college.
- Got a lot on the burner.
- That's right.
- That's very responsible.
- Yeah, way to go.
And not that it's any of your business, Dave, but I'm dating a guy who has his own car and could totally kick your ass.
Well, can he rent a U-haul without his parents' signature? Because I can.
His parents are dead.
Ah.
So if this is uncomfortable for you (Chuckles) we can get another waiter.
No.
I'm super excited about waiting on you guys.
I'm gonna make sure your food gets extra special attention.
- Mm.
- Okay.
She's definitely gonna do something sloppy to our food.
- Hell, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- No confusion on that.
- Absolutely.
(Chuckles) You guys, she's not gonna do anything to the food as she's a professional.
Yeah, well, when I was a waiter, I was a professional, too, unless you did something I didn't like, and then I introduced your eggs Benedict to my eggs and Benedict.
He's talking about his Sackman and Throbin.
(Singsongy) Here you go.
(Normal voice) Fried calamari.
On the house.
Enjoy.
There was something objectively creepy about that.
Guys, it's no bigs.
Let's just go to another restaurant.
Oh, fine, but I am starving, and I don't want to hear any of this "ooh, I can't go there" stuff - Yeah.
- okay? The first place someone says, that's where we're going.
- Silvers.
- Ohh.
I can't go there.
- Why? - Yeah, remember when I used to work there? I got fired because me and management didn't exactly see eye to eye about some of their ancillary distribution policies.
Mm.
You guys got the cash? I got the stuff.
I got a bone-in rib eye.
Inside it goes for $30.
I'll give it to you for $10.
I got a Kansas City Who buys half-eaten steak? Aha, David! "Certified pre-owned" steak, and no one.
Aah! I have a brain idea.
El Agave.
(Penny) - Yes! - Yes.
El Agave! It's so much fun, and they'll fry anything.
Oh, I don't know.
That might be a little weird for Brad.
It used to be kind of a breakup spot for him.
You had a restaurant specifically to break up with people? Ah, yes.
El Agave.
It was perfect.
There was a mariachi band, the silverware was plastic, and the tables were bolted to the ground.
- I really think we need to see other people.
- You little bitch! (Playing "El Jarabe TapatÃo") (Shouting indistinctly) (Grunts) (Snaps and clatters) Great story, Brad, but can we stop sitting around here reminiscing like a bunch of homos and start getting over to El Agave and shoving our face with tacos like a bunch of homos? (Dave) - Yeah.
- I'm not really a fan of El Agave.
Have you been there? Yeah, you took me there once when we were dating.
I don't (Dave, Max, Penny, and Alex murmuring indistinctly) Oh, uh, you got the pizza menu.
I want to see the pizzas.
(Speaks indistinctly) Uh hmm? What is this? (Clears throat) (Dave) Why don't they put pizzas on all the menus? (Speaks indistinctly) Oh, what's that over there? Where's the other menu, guys? It it Why don't you explain to me why you took me to your breakup restaurant, Brad? Well, for the record, it wasn't just my breakup restaurant.
It was also my "impress a date with my Spanish" restaurante.
Ohh.
Isn't that sweet? I don't remember you speaking any Spanish that night.
In fact, instead of ordering tacos, you asked for "meat, lettuce, and cheese" "in one of those crispy, half-moon envelope thingies.
" Okay, before you guys go any further down the rabbit hole of this fight, can I just say something? Jane, there's no food in your purse! I'm wasting away over here, and all you have is a bunch of newspaper clippings from when you used to figure skate.
(Whispers) What the hell is wrong with you? You were so good.
(Alex speaks indistinctly) Yeah ner! I'm gonna go to the bar and destroy myself, so why don't you come get me when you pick out a restaurant? Oh, and preferably one that my husband didn't take me to to curb-stomp my heart.
The curse has got Jane.
For the last time, there is no curse.
(Chuckles) I mean, are two of my best friends fighting on my birthday? (Chuckles) Yes, but, you know, is Max dangerously close to eating tainted squid? (Clenched teeth) Yes.
I could do it.
(Sighs) I once ate a bunch of peanut butter I found in a mousetrap, - and it did not kill me.
- You ate that? She definitely urinated on this.
These are minor setbacks, and I am not gonna let anything ruin my 29th (Alex, Dave, Brad, and Max) 31st.
agree to disagree birthday.
It's still wrong.
You were born 31 years ago.
Well, faster than a speeding bullet, I've got a new idea.
(Sighs) Table 23.
- What do you say? - Yes! - Yes! I love table 23.
- Jane loves that place, and maybe it'll help her cool off.
Actually, Jane hasn't been welcome there since she challenged their no-substitutions policy.
My cheese, my choice, all righty? Look at that.
It looks great.
Okay.
All right.
Tell my story! (Clatters) We restaurant owners absolutely hate substitutions.
I mean, would you tell Armani where to put the buttons? (Chuckles) No, so I will not put the aioli on the side, Jeff.
Dude, you gotta stop calling yourself a restaurant owner.
Restaurants don't have windshield wipers.
I think what's going on here is that everyone's blood sugar is a little bit low.
Is that a straw harpoon? We just need to calm down - Wait.
When did you make that? - get some food in us, and let cooler heads prevail.
This ends now.
Brad.
Brad! - Huh? - You go fix things with your wife.
I want to see if he's gonna Just go! (Sighs) I cannot believe I'm going to do this, but I am gonna go and smooth things over with Jackie.
You two stay here and keep an eye on Max.
(Indistinct conversations) (Whispers) My bad.
Damn it! (Clink) Sorry.
(Thuds) Sorry.
(Sighs) I'm holding this.
Yeah, they everyone thought, you know, gold medal.
And the kicker is Oksana Baiul stole all of my moves Hey, boo.
So Do not "boo" me, okay? Can't you see I am hanging out with my new friend Andy? - Is this the guy? - Okay.
Chill down, Andy.
- He'll eat your world.
- Listen, Jane (Sighs) you were right.
I was planning on breaking up with you that night Oh, that's great news.
Thanks so much for the update.
But it was because things were getting so serious, and I was young, and I was scared, and - And stupid.
- st stupid Yep.
There it is.
But you know what happened instead? (Sighs) So I think we should talk.
Oh.
Hold that thought.
I will have the fajita enchiladas, but instead of strips of chicken, I'd like it to be cubed, and I'd like the onions well-done but the peppers crunchy.
Also I'd like the plate to be sizzling, but I'd like to request that you not tell me to "be careful.
The plate is hot.
" I know it's hot.
It's a sizzling plate.
And after that, I knew I'd never go back to that restaurant.
Because I made the waiter cry and we got our pictures put up by the bounced checks? That was part of it, but I also knew I'd never need a breakup restaurant again, 'cause I found a woman who was so sure of what she wanted, and she wanted me.
Plus, you have freakish upper body strength and probably could have unbolted that table and beat me with it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you could have.
- I could have.
- Yeah.
(Chuckles, singsongy) - Mm.
- You strong.
- Mm! Like a man! - Strong like a man! (Chuckles) Mm! - Mm.
(Singsongy) - Mm.
You wanna get outta here? Read the room, dude.
Mm.
All right, Jackie.
Let's be honest.
You're not my favorite, but tonight is not about us.
It is about my friend Penny's birthday, and I am sorry that last year I called you an underage slut, et cetera, but if there is any way that you could bring us some food that isn't laced with your bodily fluids, it would really help us out of a jam.
I didn't do anything to your food, Alex, but I did just slash the tires to Dave's Altima.
That's what you get for not calling me back after taking me to the prom.
Okay, Dave doesn't drive an Altima.
Hold up.
He took you to your Prom? You went to her prom? Was there food? What was the food situation? Was there, like, an omelet bar? Was there a buffet? Yes, okay, I went to her prom, but only because I was writing a newspaper story for the "Chicago Sun Times," and my boss, Garry Marshall, was breathing down my neck! (Max and Penny) "Never Been Kissed.
" Fine.
The real reason I went to prom was 'cause I'm sorta pathetic.
Yeah, we realized that when you cast yourself as the Drew Barrymore character in "Never Been Kissed.
" Oh, come on, Dave.
What's pathetic about a grown man attending a high school prom? Ooh! Did you lose your virginity like you always hoped you would? You're just jealous because you missed your prom.
She was dating a poet that told her that prom was a holiday invented by the tuxedo companies.
Nathan wasn't a poet! He was a bard! Guys, please just stop fighting, okay? The important thing is, Jackie told us it is safe to eat here, so can we please order and enjoy yourselves? A 29th birthday comes around but once in a lifetime.
(Alex, Dave, and Max) 31st.
Uh, you know what? You know what? You're right.
(Penny sighs) Happy 29th birthday.
- Happy 29th birthday.
- Happy 29th birthday.
Okay.
Thank you.
Okay? Yes.
B-day back on track.
No curse.
I'm sorry.
I have to ask you all to leave.
I just caught your friends in the bathroom having sex.
(Indistinct conversations) Guess what, guys? We made up.
(Pops lips) Yay.
- All right.
- All right You know, I've been thinking a lot about this restaurant problem we're having, and I think I came up with a solution.
We are too "inside the box.
" We've gotta branch out (Sighs) talk about restaurants that maybe don't exist.
For example, where does Gollum eat? Okay, just let it go.
(Sighs) Sir? Thank you.
Look, you guys were right.
I mean, I think this birthday curse is a real thing.
It is like it's like the Madden curse.
What does your birthday have to do (Sighs) with being on the cover of a video game? No.
The Becky Madden curse.
She's a girl I went to camp with.
Oh, she had the worst luck.
One time she peed all over herself (Chuckles) in the middle of a ropes course in front of everyone (Chuckling) and then last year, she was killed in a murder-suicide - at the state fair.
- Ohh.
Sorry for your loss.
No.
Penny, you are not gonna give up now, okay? I'm sure things are about to turn around.
We're all gonna go get in your c car.
Oh! That's an Altima.
I just paid that off.
(Max, nasal voice) - Uh - I think, uh guess I will be walking home.
No.
Penny! We're gonna make your birthday awesome, (Sighs) whether you like it or not, okay? - Tonight we break the curse.
(Jane) - Yeah.
That curse should be scared of us, because we are a bunch of criminals and sex addicts with terrible judgment, - and we can ruin anything (Whispering) - Yes.
- we put our minds to, and you know what? - That's what's up.
- We are gonna ruin that stupid curse.
- Oh, yeah.
Great moments are born from great opportunity.
That's what we have here tonight.
Mm-hmm.
I'm sick and tired of hearing how great a hockey team the Soviets have.
Screw 'em.
Yeah wait.
Is that the Kurt Russell speech from "Miracle"? It's their time up there.
It's our time our time down here, and it's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket.
Now she's doing "Goonies.
" She's all over the place.
We gotta do what we should have done from the beginning.
We gotta take Big Dom's back.
- Yes! Thank you.
- No way! That's Nick's place.
He goes there every night.
If we go to ten restaurants, we may get kicked out of nine, but not that restaurant, not tonight, so let's get it out there and take it! Now she's back to "Miracle.
" She's having a tiny stroke.
(Chants) U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! (Public Enemy's "Welcome To The Terrordome" playing) Ooooh! Unh! Aaah.
Kerkovich, party of six.
We're not taking no for an answer.
Sure.
Your table is right this way.
(Nasal voice) Oh, right.
We never canceled the reservation.
All right.
So what do we do? How do we even take back a restaurant? (Mouth full) Okay, first things first.
We knock out the busboys.
We take their uniforms.
Then we look for a heating duct.
Now here is where things get complicated.
Dave, how quickly can you grow a mustache? - Quicker than most.
- Doesn't matter.
Once we get crawling in the heating ducts, there's a possibility Now that I got some food in me, I think climbing through the vents is a little bit excessive, and knocking out the busboys is just mean.
Why don't we just sit here like normal people and have a normal meal? Yeah.
You guys, I I'm sorry.
I was being so crazy.
I don't know why I ever had any problem with this (Gasps) There's Nick.
So your first instinct is to hide under the table? What's the endgame here? I've made a huge mistake.
(Whispers) Don't tell him that I'm here! Hey.
You're, uh, Penny's friends, right? (Mouth full) - Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
She's not here with you? Maybe.
No.
I don't know.
She's all around us.
(Clears throat) Well, we had this arrangement that she would stay away from here.
Yeah, we're all privy to your arrangement, Nick, and as a restaurant owner, I find it offensive.
Nobody should own a restaurant except people like me, a restaurant owner.
Dude, give it up.
Whatever.
When you see Penny, tell her that I left some pretty important stuff - at her place.
I would like it back.
(Alex) - Hey.
- You know what, buddy? (Penny) - Tell her yourself, because she's right here, and she's standing tall.
I mean, emotionally standing tall.
Technically, I am under the table.
Why are you under the table? Because I can go wherever I want whenever I want, and and my blouse is caught on something.
Mm.
She got caught.
- That's that's what's happened to her.
- Makes a lot of sense - why she would still be under there.
(Alex) - Yeah.
(Penny) But you don't get Big Dom's, Nick.
You don't get to ban me from anywhere, a and if you're uncomfortable seeing me somewhere, then just stay away.
Oh, and, Nick? One more thing before you go.
A-get a-to a-steppin'! (Brad, Alex, Max, and Jane cheering) (Whistles) We did it.
The birthday curse is officially defeated.
(Rips) (Chuckles) Y - Aah! - Oh, no.
Okeydokey.
(Pants) - Ohh.
- No.
You know what? I'm fine with this, because all that matters is that Big Dom's is ours again.
I am sorry, ma'am.
This is a family restaurant.
I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave.
Yeah, that's a solid policy.
We'll see ourselves on out.
- Yeah.
(Chants) - U.
S.
A.
! (Jane, Brad, Alex, Dave, Penny, and Max, chanting) U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! (Brad) Ay U.
S.
A.
! You see? - Mmm.
- I told you guys I'd come up - with the perfect place.
- Yeah.
Rosalita's.
Great save.
We literally come here every night.
(Mouth full) This place is my emergency contact, mostly because someone says I don't know what is and is not an emergency.
You are welcome.
Guys, we should have just come here in the first place, although I do wish I'd gone to the bathroom before Brad and Jane got in there.
Well, the good news is, it's a minute to midnight, so you survived your birthday.
Yes, and I overcame the birthday curse.
(Mouth full) No more curses! (Max and Penny) No more curses! (Bottles clink) (Speaks foreign language) Well, this cannot be good for you.
(Speaks foreign language) (Singsongy) Oh.
(Normal voice) She just wants the salt.
- Oh, she just wants the salt.
(Chuckling) - She just wants the salt.
She just (Blows air) (Penny and Max) Aah! (Speaks foreign language) Oh my God, did we just switch bodies? Here we GO! My God, you guys, this pizza is amazing! I'm Dave.
I told you guys to come an hour earlier so you wouldn't be late.
You witch.
You tricked us.
You can't just go around daylight-savings'ing people.
(Whispers) That makes no sense.
Guys, honest opinion.
Does this outfit make me look too much like a tree? You mean like "tree," as in the way that a hard new yorker would say the number tree? 'Cause, yeah, you look (Imitating Al Pacino) like a tree outta ten at best.
Oh! Let's go to Times Square, get some famous Ray's pizza.
Oh-ah! Uh-oh.
I'm stuck in a Pacino.
Hoo-ah! We need to focus, okay? We cannot have a repeat of last year, when Alex and Dave ruined Penny's birthday.
Well, as long as Dave doesn't bring someone from Degrassi Junior High, I'm sure we'll be fine.
Hey, if Degrassi's on the field, play ball.
Am I right? (Sighs) Sorry.
Proud of the wordplay, not the message.
Real talk, guys? Penny's had some roof birthdays.
- To Penny.
- Yay! Aah! (Thuds) (Animal snarling) What is that? Down.
I don't know.
A dog? (High-pitched voice) Aah! It was being cool on the way over! (Grunts) (Paddles thunk) (Horn honks) Oh, boy.
That was the most hilarious near-death experience I've ever seen, and I've seen Anthony Anderson play tennis.
Uh, is it just me, or is Penny's birthday cursed? - Hella cursed.
- Oh, it's it's definitely cursed.
(Nasal voice) There is a curse amongst us.
- Yeah.
- Terribly cursed, which is why we have got to do better this year, okay? Tonight we gotta bring in da noise and, time permitting, also (Deep voice) da funk.
Hey, friends.
- Oh! - Happy Birthday! - Whoa! What you done done, girl? - Oh, man.
I was just talking about you.
Aw.
- You look so good.
- Pen.
(Chuckles) - Hi.
- Hello.
How about you, okay? (Chuckles) (Chuckles) I feel like this is fake, but I love the energy, love the enthusiasm.
What is the plan for tonight? Well, we hope that you have on your eating pants, because we are taking you to drumroll, please (Chuckles) (Sniffles) Nothing? Okay, I hate you guys.
Big Dom's! (Gasps) Big Dom's! (Whispers) Yes.
(Laughs) Are we sure we want to go there? What are you talking about? You were just saying the other day that you love that place.
Yeah, but I heard that since then (Clenched teeth) it's gotten pretty racist (Normal voice) and we got this guy on our hands.
Who? You talking about me? Look, I haven't eaten all day in preparation for this, so I don't care if they sit me next to a Nazi stormtrooper.
Wait.
Darth Vader was a Nazi? Come on, Penny.
Big Dom's isn't racist.
We made a whole thing.
Let's go.
Okay.
The truth is, I'm not allowed to go back there.
- What? - When I broke up with Nick, he wanted us to split up our favorite places so we wouldn't bump into each other, and he insisted on getting Big Dom's.
Wow.
He sucks.
Uh, but the good news is, I got Saul's Discount Eyewear.
Wow.
Yeah.
I am not a great negotiator, but whatever.
Let's just come up with a new plan.
(Nasal voice) The curse of Penny's birthday strikes again.
(Normal voice) Ow.
Ow! - What curse? - Oh, nothing.
We just all decided that your birthday was super cursed.
- Shh.
- Aah.
What? (Exhales deeply) (Chuckles) That is ridiculous.
I mean, have I had some rough ones? Yeah.
(Chuckles) - Yeah.
- Yeah.
(Nasal voice) Yeah, I heard that! (Chuckles) But not being able to go to our first-choice restaurant that is not the sign of a birthday curse.
(Electricity crackles) Power outage.
(Nasal voice) The curse of Penny's birthday has struck again.
Max, you're leaning on the light switch.
(Clicks switch) Oh.
(Electricity powers up) (Nasal voice) The curse of Max's love handles - has struck again.
- Guys, no worries.
There are a million restaurants in this city.
I'm sure we'll find a great for my birthday, like, um (Snaps fingers) (Gasps) Uh Hmm.
(Exhales deeply) Did everybody else's mind just go completely blank? (Chuckles) - Totally blank.
- Yep.
- Yeah, that was crazy.
- So black.
You know what I was thinking about? If Mary Tyler Moore married and then divorced Steven Tyler, then married and divorced Michael Moore, then got into a 3-way lesbian marriage with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, would she go by the name "Mary Tyler Moore-Tyler-Moore-Moore-Moore"? - I'm out.
- Okeydokey.
- Anyways.
- Yeah.
(Clears throat) Ow.
Happy Endings 2x18 - Party of Six Original air date March 14, 2012 Aaaah.
I'm starving, you guys.
Let's throw out some restos.
This is a safe space.
All ideas are welcome, as long as they're not stupid.
Well, you guys are in luck 'cause I kinda have a superpower when it comes to picking the perfect restaurant.
Al, do you remember Christmas night 2005? We were with your diabetic cousin, his vegan girlfriend, and that hasidic Jew we met at the theater third row, third cast, "rent.
" Anyway, we never thought we would agree on a restaurant until, out of the blue, I stand up and I say, "Wu Palace.
" True story.
Yeah.
No reason to make that up.
That was a really beautiful story.
Do you have a suggestion? - Wu Palace? - Yeah, it closed five years ago.
Well, just give me a minute to think.
It's not like superman can just fly whenever he wants.
- Yeah, he can.
- Uh, yeah, he really can.
Well, I don't care.
I am totally happy going wherevs.
I can go for Indian.
Oh, I already had that for lunch.
- I'd do Thai.
- I had Thai for lunch, too.
Barbecue? Oh, my God.
Uh What about tapas? I could do El Toreador.
Oh, no, no.
No dice.
- Mm.
- Can't go back there.
As they say in Spanish Jane and I got caught having sex in the bathroom.
And a few other west-side restaurants are trouble spots as well.
Mon dieu! (Accordion plays) (Speaks foreign language) (Sitar plays) Ohh.
(Flute and koto play) Hey, you guys mind if I tag in? Why do you always get caught? (Scoffs) If we didn't want to get caught, we'd just have sex at home.
(Laughs) Yeah, you dumb idiot.
(Laughs) I got it.
Once again, Dave Rose has the solush.
I have the perfect place, a restaurant that will titillate your senses, activate your neurons - Okay, I can't listen to this anymore.
- and send you I am way too hungry.
Let's just go to Medora and call it a night.
(Penny, Alex, and Brad) - Yeah! - Wait.
(Alex) - That's great.
- Wait.
Do you guys want to hear my idea? (Singsongy) We don't care.
It's it's a good idea.
Shh.
My superpower.
Wu Palace.
Oh, my God.
That food smells so good.
I can't believe we were able to get the last table.
(Sighs) It is my 29th birthday miracle.
(Dave, Max, and Jane) - 31st.
- All right.
We'll split the difference, call it 30.
(Sighs) It's still wrong.
Either way, there is no birthday curse.
I mean, I think this place is even better than Big Dom's.
- Mm-hmm.
(Max) - Oh, yeah.
Totally.
You know who would love this place? That barely-legal junk-box that Dave brought to Penny's birthday last year.
You know the one with the tramp stamp and the tongue ring and the bad hat? And she's right behind me, isn't she? No.
Oh, that's 'cause she's over there.
(Penny gasps) (Alex) What?! (Whispers) Oh, my God.
It's Jackie.
Guys, I did not know that Jackie worked here.
We can't stay.
(Nasal voice) The curse of Penny's birthday - strikes again, my friends.
- What? Okay.
First of all, there is no curse.
Secondly, that was over a year ago.
She probably doesn't even remember us.
Well, look who it is.
My least favorite people ever.
Great to see you again.
- Here we GO! (Clenched teeth) - That bitch still young.
So, Jackie, how's high school? Well, Alex, if you must know, I'm graduated.
(Alex and Penny) - Oh.
(Singsongy) - Mm.
- That's good.
Congrats.
- Now I'm waiting tables to save money for stripping lessons so that I can save money for junior college.
- Got a lot on the burner.
- That's right.
- That's very responsible.
- Yeah, way to go.
And not that it's any of your business, Dave, but I'm dating a guy who has his own car and could totally kick your ass.
Well, can he rent a U-haul without his parents' signature? Because I can.
His parents are dead.
Ah.
So if this is uncomfortable for you (Chuckles) we can get another waiter.
No.
I'm super excited about waiting on you guys.
I'm gonna make sure your food gets extra special attention.
- Mm.
- Okay.
She's definitely gonna do something sloppy to our food.
- Hell, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- No confusion on that.
- Absolutely.
(Chuckles) You guys, she's not gonna do anything to the food as she's a professional.
Yeah, well, when I was a waiter, I was a professional, too, unless you did something I didn't like, and then I introduced your eggs Benedict to my eggs and Benedict.
He's talking about his Sackman and Throbin.
(Singsongy) Here you go.
(Normal voice) Fried calamari.
On the house.
Enjoy.
There was something objectively creepy about that.
Guys, it's no bigs.
Let's just go to another restaurant.
Oh, fine, but I am starving, and I don't want to hear any of this "ooh, I can't go there" stuff - Yeah.
- okay? The first place someone says, that's where we're going.
- Silvers.
- Ohh.
I can't go there.
- Why? - Yeah, remember when I used to work there? I got fired because me and management didn't exactly see eye to eye about some of their ancillary distribution policies.
Mm.
You guys got the cash? I got the stuff.
I got a bone-in rib eye.
Inside it goes for $30.
I'll give it to you for $10.
I got a Kansas City Who buys half-eaten steak? Aha, David! "Certified pre-owned" steak, and no one.
Aah! I have a brain idea.
El Agave.
(Penny) - Yes! - Yes.
El Agave! It's so much fun, and they'll fry anything.
Oh, I don't know.
That might be a little weird for Brad.
It used to be kind of a breakup spot for him.
You had a restaurant specifically to break up with people? Ah, yes.
El Agave.
It was perfect.
There was a mariachi band, the silverware was plastic, and the tables were bolted to the ground.
- I really think we need to see other people.
- You little bitch! (Playing "El Jarabe TapatÃo") (Shouting indistinctly) (Grunts) (Snaps and clatters) Great story, Brad, but can we stop sitting around here reminiscing like a bunch of homos and start getting over to El Agave and shoving our face with tacos like a bunch of homos? (Dave) - Yeah.
- I'm not really a fan of El Agave.
Have you been there? Yeah, you took me there once when we were dating.
I don't (Dave, Max, Penny, and Alex murmuring indistinctly) Oh, uh, you got the pizza menu.
I want to see the pizzas.
(Speaks indistinctly) Uh hmm? What is this? (Clears throat) (Dave) Why don't they put pizzas on all the menus? (Speaks indistinctly) Oh, what's that over there? Where's the other menu, guys? It it Why don't you explain to me why you took me to your breakup restaurant, Brad? Well, for the record, it wasn't just my breakup restaurant.
It was also my "impress a date with my Spanish" restaurante.
Ohh.
Isn't that sweet? I don't remember you speaking any Spanish that night.
In fact, instead of ordering tacos, you asked for "meat, lettuce, and cheese" "in one of those crispy, half-moon envelope thingies.
" Okay, before you guys go any further down the rabbit hole of this fight, can I just say something? Jane, there's no food in your purse! I'm wasting away over here, and all you have is a bunch of newspaper clippings from when you used to figure skate.
(Whispers) What the hell is wrong with you? You were so good.
(Alex speaks indistinctly) Yeah ner! I'm gonna go to the bar and destroy myself, so why don't you come get me when you pick out a restaurant? Oh, and preferably one that my husband didn't take me to to curb-stomp my heart.
The curse has got Jane.
For the last time, there is no curse.
(Chuckles) I mean, are two of my best friends fighting on my birthday? (Chuckles) Yes, but, you know, is Max dangerously close to eating tainted squid? (Clenched teeth) Yes.
I could do it.
(Sighs) I once ate a bunch of peanut butter I found in a mousetrap, - and it did not kill me.
- You ate that? She definitely urinated on this.
These are minor setbacks, and I am not gonna let anything ruin my 29th (Alex, Dave, Brad, and Max) 31st.
agree to disagree birthday.
It's still wrong.
You were born 31 years ago.
Well, faster than a speeding bullet, I've got a new idea.
(Sighs) Table 23.
- What do you say? - Yes! - Yes! I love table 23.
- Jane loves that place, and maybe it'll help her cool off.
Actually, Jane hasn't been welcome there since she challenged their no-substitutions policy.
My cheese, my choice, all righty? Look at that.
It looks great.
Okay.
All right.
Tell my story! (Clatters) We restaurant owners absolutely hate substitutions.
I mean, would you tell Armani where to put the buttons? (Chuckles) No, so I will not put the aioli on the side, Jeff.
Dude, you gotta stop calling yourself a restaurant owner.
Restaurants don't have windshield wipers.
I think what's going on here is that everyone's blood sugar is a little bit low.
Is that a straw harpoon? We just need to calm down - Wait.
When did you make that? - get some food in us, and let cooler heads prevail.
This ends now.
Brad.
Brad! - Huh? - You go fix things with your wife.
I want to see if he's gonna Just go! (Sighs) I cannot believe I'm going to do this, but I am gonna go and smooth things over with Jackie.
You two stay here and keep an eye on Max.
(Indistinct conversations) (Whispers) My bad.
Damn it! (Clink) Sorry.
(Thuds) Sorry.
(Sighs) I'm holding this.
Yeah, they everyone thought, you know, gold medal.
And the kicker is Oksana Baiul stole all of my moves Hey, boo.
So Do not "boo" me, okay? Can't you see I am hanging out with my new friend Andy? - Is this the guy? - Okay.
Chill down, Andy.
- He'll eat your world.
- Listen, Jane (Sighs) you were right.
I was planning on breaking up with you that night Oh, that's great news.
Thanks so much for the update.
But it was because things were getting so serious, and I was young, and I was scared, and - And stupid.
- st stupid Yep.
There it is.
But you know what happened instead? (Sighs) So I think we should talk.
Oh.
Hold that thought.
I will have the fajita enchiladas, but instead of strips of chicken, I'd like it to be cubed, and I'd like the onions well-done but the peppers crunchy.
Also I'd like the plate to be sizzling, but I'd like to request that you not tell me to "be careful.
The plate is hot.
" I know it's hot.
It's a sizzling plate.
And after that, I knew I'd never go back to that restaurant.
Because I made the waiter cry and we got our pictures put up by the bounced checks? That was part of it, but I also knew I'd never need a breakup restaurant again, 'cause I found a woman who was so sure of what she wanted, and she wanted me.
Plus, you have freakish upper body strength and probably could have unbolted that table and beat me with it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you could have.
- I could have.
- Yeah.
(Chuckles, singsongy) - Mm.
- You strong.
- Mm! Like a man! - Strong like a man! (Chuckles) Mm! - Mm.
(Singsongy) - Mm.
You wanna get outta here? Read the room, dude.
Mm.
All right, Jackie.
Let's be honest.
You're not my favorite, but tonight is not about us.
It is about my friend Penny's birthday, and I am sorry that last year I called you an underage slut, et cetera, but if there is any way that you could bring us some food that isn't laced with your bodily fluids, it would really help us out of a jam.
I didn't do anything to your food, Alex, but I did just slash the tires to Dave's Altima.
That's what you get for not calling me back after taking me to the prom.
Okay, Dave doesn't drive an Altima.
Hold up.
He took you to your Prom? You went to her prom? Was there food? What was the food situation? Was there, like, an omelet bar? Was there a buffet? Yes, okay, I went to her prom, but only because I was writing a newspaper story for the "Chicago Sun Times," and my boss, Garry Marshall, was breathing down my neck! (Max and Penny) "Never Been Kissed.
" Fine.
The real reason I went to prom was 'cause I'm sorta pathetic.
Yeah, we realized that when you cast yourself as the Drew Barrymore character in "Never Been Kissed.
" Oh, come on, Dave.
What's pathetic about a grown man attending a high school prom? Ooh! Did you lose your virginity like you always hoped you would? You're just jealous because you missed your prom.
She was dating a poet that told her that prom was a holiday invented by the tuxedo companies.
Nathan wasn't a poet! He was a bard! Guys, please just stop fighting, okay? The important thing is, Jackie told us it is safe to eat here, so can we please order and enjoy yourselves? A 29th birthday comes around but once in a lifetime.
(Alex, Dave, and Max) 31st.
Uh, you know what? You know what? You're right.
(Penny sighs) Happy 29th birthday.
- Happy 29th birthday.
- Happy 29th birthday.
Okay.
Thank you.
Okay? Yes.
B-day back on track.
No curse.
I'm sorry.
I have to ask you all to leave.
I just caught your friends in the bathroom having sex.
(Indistinct conversations) Guess what, guys? We made up.
(Pops lips) Yay.
- All right.
- All right You know, I've been thinking a lot about this restaurant problem we're having, and I think I came up with a solution.
We are too "inside the box.
" We've gotta branch out (Sighs) talk about restaurants that maybe don't exist.
For example, where does Gollum eat? Okay, just let it go.
(Sighs) Sir? Thank you.
Look, you guys were right.
I mean, I think this birthday curse is a real thing.
It is like it's like the Madden curse.
What does your birthday have to do (Sighs) with being on the cover of a video game? No.
The Becky Madden curse.
She's a girl I went to camp with.
Oh, she had the worst luck.
One time she peed all over herself (Chuckles) in the middle of a ropes course in front of everyone (Chuckling) and then last year, she was killed in a murder-suicide - at the state fair.
- Ohh.
Sorry for your loss.
No.
Penny, you are not gonna give up now, okay? I'm sure things are about to turn around.
We're all gonna go get in your c car.
Oh! That's an Altima.
I just paid that off.
(Max, nasal voice) - Uh - I think, uh guess I will be walking home.
No.
Penny! We're gonna make your birthday awesome, (Sighs) whether you like it or not, okay? - Tonight we break the curse.
(Jane) - Yeah.
That curse should be scared of us, because we are a bunch of criminals and sex addicts with terrible judgment, - and we can ruin anything (Whispering) - Yes.
- we put our minds to, and you know what? - That's what's up.
- We are gonna ruin that stupid curse.
- Oh, yeah.
Great moments are born from great opportunity.
That's what we have here tonight.
Mm-hmm.
I'm sick and tired of hearing how great a hockey team the Soviets have.
Screw 'em.
Yeah wait.
Is that the Kurt Russell speech from "Miracle"? It's their time up there.
It's our time our time down here, and it's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket.
Now she's doing "Goonies.
" She's all over the place.
We gotta do what we should have done from the beginning.
We gotta take Big Dom's back.
- Yes! Thank you.
- No way! That's Nick's place.
He goes there every night.
If we go to ten restaurants, we may get kicked out of nine, but not that restaurant, not tonight, so let's get it out there and take it! Now she's back to "Miracle.
" She's having a tiny stroke.
(Chants) U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! (Public Enemy's "Welcome To The Terrordome" playing) Ooooh! Unh! Aaah.
Kerkovich, party of six.
We're not taking no for an answer.
Sure.
Your table is right this way.
(Nasal voice) Oh, right.
We never canceled the reservation.
All right.
So what do we do? How do we even take back a restaurant? (Mouth full) Okay, first things first.
We knock out the busboys.
We take their uniforms.
Then we look for a heating duct.
Now here is where things get complicated.
Dave, how quickly can you grow a mustache? - Quicker than most.
- Doesn't matter.
Once we get crawling in the heating ducts, there's a possibility Now that I got some food in me, I think climbing through the vents is a little bit excessive, and knocking out the busboys is just mean.
Why don't we just sit here like normal people and have a normal meal? Yeah.
You guys, I I'm sorry.
I was being so crazy.
I don't know why I ever had any problem with this (Gasps) There's Nick.
So your first instinct is to hide under the table? What's the endgame here? I've made a huge mistake.
(Whispers) Don't tell him that I'm here! Hey.
You're, uh, Penny's friends, right? (Mouth full) - Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
She's not here with you? Maybe.
No.
I don't know.
She's all around us.
(Clears throat) Well, we had this arrangement that she would stay away from here.
Yeah, we're all privy to your arrangement, Nick, and as a restaurant owner, I find it offensive.
Nobody should own a restaurant except people like me, a restaurant owner.
Dude, give it up.
Whatever.
When you see Penny, tell her that I left some pretty important stuff - at her place.
I would like it back.
(Alex) - Hey.
- You know what, buddy? (Penny) - Tell her yourself, because she's right here, and she's standing tall.
I mean, emotionally standing tall.
Technically, I am under the table.
Why are you under the table? Because I can go wherever I want whenever I want, and and my blouse is caught on something.
Mm.
She got caught.
- That's that's what's happened to her.
- Makes a lot of sense - why she would still be under there.
(Alex) - Yeah.
(Penny) But you don't get Big Dom's, Nick.
You don't get to ban me from anywhere, a and if you're uncomfortable seeing me somewhere, then just stay away.
Oh, and, Nick? One more thing before you go.
A-get a-to a-steppin'! (Brad, Alex, Max, and Jane cheering) (Whistles) We did it.
The birthday curse is officially defeated.
(Rips) (Chuckles) Y - Aah! - Oh, no.
Okeydokey.
(Pants) - Ohh.
- No.
You know what? I'm fine with this, because all that matters is that Big Dom's is ours again.
I am sorry, ma'am.
This is a family restaurant.
I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave.
Yeah, that's a solid policy.
We'll see ourselves on out.
- Yeah.
(Chants) - U.
S.
A.
! (Jane, Brad, Alex, Dave, Penny, and Max, chanting) U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! (Brad) Ay U.
S.
A.
! You see? - Mmm.
- I told you guys I'd come up - with the perfect place.
- Yeah.
Rosalita's.
Great save.
We literally come here every night.
(Mouth full) This place is my emergency contact, mostly because someone says I don't know what is and is not an emergency.
You are welcome.
Guys, we should have just come here in the first place, although I do wish I'd gone to the bathroom before Brad and Jane got in there.
Well, the good news is, it's a minute to midnight, so you survived your birthday.
Yes, and I overcame the birthday curse.
(Mouth full) No more curses! (Max and Penny) No more curses! (Bottles clink) (Speaks foreign language) Well, this cannot be good for you.
(Speaks foreign language) (Singsongy) Oh.
(Normal voice) She just wants the salt.
- Oh, she just wants the salt.
(Chuckling) - She just wants the salt.
She just (Blows air) (Penny and Max) Aah! (Speaks foreign language) Oh my God, did we just switch bodies? Here we GO! My God, you guys, this pizza is amazing! I'm Dave.