Hey Arnold! (1996) s02e18 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
Hey, Stinky!
Are you gonna enter
your boat in the race?
I guess so. Even though
I never win.
Why not?
'Cause Rex Smythe-Higgins
is racing, and he always wins.
He won the Tour de Pond
four years in a row.
Rex who?
Rex Smythe-Higgins.
He is the meanest, snottiest
kid on the racing circuit.
Out of the way, plebeians.
Rex Smythe-Higgins
has arrived.
I'm ready to sail now.
Clear the pond.
Man, what does this guy think?
He owns the park?
As a matter of fact,
my family does own this park.
So, unless you're
actually going to enter
this tournament,
I suggest you vacate
this area at once.
Well, maybe we are thinking
of entering the tournament.
Huh?
And what is it
you planned to float?
That ship shaped head
of yours?
(LAUGHING)
ARNOLD: We have a boat.
We do?
We've got a great boat.
Arnold, what are you
talking about?
And it will beat
your little dinghy any day.
What do you say to that?
That is highly unlikely.
So we have a boat, huh?
Not yet.
GERALD:
Arnold, that's not a boat.
That's a block of wood.
Now, what are we supposed to
do with a block of wood?
Come on, Gerald,
use your imagination.
(WHISTLES)
(WHISTLE RECEEDING)
(LAUGHING)
I see you boys are busy
playing with a block of wood.
We're trying to build a boat
and enter it
in the Tour de Pond race
on Saturday.
Well, why didn't you say so,
short man?
Did I ever tell you about
the time I raced a boat
in the Tour de Pond?
Actually, Grandpa, you did
Oh, it was a brutal wind
out there.
Cut through us like
a knife through
Butter?
No.
Margarine?
No, something harder
than that, but softer
than wind. It's, um
Ah, forget it!
My ship, the SS Gibraltar
was a beaut,
but she could barely
stay afloat against
that monstrous storm.
I was about to win
when suddenly the Gibraltar
began to take on water.
That's when I discovered
that she had been drilled
full of holes.
(BOY LAUGHING)
I had been cheated
by the richest, meanest,
snottiest kid on the pond,
Rex Smythe-Higgins.
Rex Smythe-Higgins?
That's the kid we met
at the pond today.
GRANDPA: Must be his grandson.
So, the young Smythe-Higgins
thinks he's gonna win
the Tour de Pond again, eh?
Well, come Saturday, I'll show
him and his cheating,
knicker-wearin' granddaddy.
We don't have a boat
like the Gibraltar.
Stand fast, men!
There she blows.
The SS Gibraltar.
Ain't she a beaut?
Looks like
a piece of junk to me.
Son, you have to look deeper
than the surface.
See? It may be broken down
and junky on the outside,
but inside, it's all moldy
and full of termite larvae.
Ugh!
Kind of makes you think,
doesn't it?
We can rebuild it.
We can make it
better than it was.
What do you say, Gerald?
I'll say I'm not workin'
on that thing without
some gloves, a helmet,
and an industrial-sized
can of disinfectant.
(BOTH COUGHING)
(LAUGHS) Take that,
Smythe-Higgins!
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
(CHILDREN SCREAMING)
You know, Arnold.
I'm starting to believe
that maybe we can beat
Smythe-Higgins' little dinghy.
Yeah, but can we beat that?
(WHISTLES)
Mama-yoni, what a boat!
Well, well, well,
if it isn't the two
hapless little deckhands.
So, have you met
my Hydro-Flame 4000?
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Are you two going to race that
or stick it in a bottle
and put it on display?
(LAUGHS)
Wait a minute!
I know you.
Yes, and I know you.
So
we know each other.
I beat you 70 years ago
and now my grandson
is gonna beat your grandson.
Ha! You cheated
70 years ago and no doubt,
you plan to cheat again.
But this time,
I'll be watching you.
I'm wise to you,
Smythe-Higgins,
you old fossil!
Hey, old guys, are we gonna
stand here or are we gonna
race our boats?
PHOEBE: (ON MIC) Only
one winner from each round
will compete in the finals.
May the best boat win!
(BELL RINGS)
(ALL CHEERING)
(REMOTE CONTROLS BEEPING)
(BEEPS)
(WHOOSHING)
(ALL REMOTE CONTROLS BEEPING)
Turn to larboard, boy!
Come about, come about!
Right button mish and mash.
No, we need
(KIDS CHEERING)
(REMOTE CONTROL BEEPING)
(CRASHING)
This is highly unusual said.
The Gibraltar and the
Hydro-Flame 4000
seem to be in snarl.
Yeah, plus they're
stuck together.
Shake it loose!
You shake it loose!
(ALL CHEERING)
He hooked on to my boat
on purpose.
What? You crashed into me
on purpose.
All right, all right!
Quiet down!
The race is a tie.
Arnold and Rex are both
in the finals.
(LAUGHING)
Ha! That's what cheating
gets you, Smythe-Higgins!
I never cheated.
It's more than a boat race
now, Smythe-Higgins!
It's personal!
See you in the finals!
Come on, boys.
We gotta strategize.
All right, men,
here's the plan.
A, we zigzag back and forth.
This poses an immediate threat
to the competition and puts
them on a defensive.
B, we suddenly veer
off-course. Hopefully,
the others will follow.
Finally, C,
when they're not looking,
we cut back on course,
and cross the finish line!
You gettin' this?
Why are we doing
all this, grandfather?
Why?
Because the reputation
of the Smythe-Higgins' clan
is at stake.
Now some may call it cheating,
but I call it tradition.
They have the temerity to
challenge the Smythe-Higgins'
racing dynasty.
I'll show them!
Well, Phoebe, we're back
with the final race.
That's correct, Sid,
and what a race
it promises to be!
Arnold and Gerald return
from a surprise tie
in the first team
with four-time winner,
Rex Smythe-Higgins.
Racers, to your marks!
(BELL RINGS)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
Hey, something's wrong.
It's not working.
(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)
(BEEPING SOUND)
(ALL CHEERING)
(BEEPING SOUND)
Shrimp and dip for everyone.
Tamp the afterburners
and vent the oxygen tanks.
We won't be needing them.
Grandpa, what do we do?
(WIND GUSHING)
Like I said, boys,
always have a backup plan.
(WIND GUSHING)
(KIDS CHEERING)
Um, hey, Rex
Not now, minion, I'm eating.
Rex, um
(GASPS)
(GULPS) Give me that!
The helm won't respond.
What on blazes is going on?
It's the afterburner, sir.
You told me to tamp them.
Well, untamp them.
But, Captain, if you power
them up too soon,
the turbines might blow.
Just do it!
(BEEPING)
PHOEBE: (ON MIC)
At the finish,
it's the Gibraltar!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
Oh, wait!
The Gibraltar has sunk!
PHOEBE:
And the Hydro-Flame 4000
has, too.
It's gone.
(SIGHS) So passes
a gallant vessel.
I'm really sorry, Grandpa.
Maybe we never
should have raced it.
What? And miss all this fun?
Oh, besides, Arnold,
it's only a silly old race.
Winning isn't everything.
Isn't that right,
you cheatin' old boot.
I never! Take that back!
Oh, dry up, Smythe-Higgins.
We won and you know it.
(MOCKINGLY)
We beat Smythe-Higgins.
We beat Smythe-Higgins.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
We beat Smythe-Higgins.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
They're acting like children!
Yeah. I mean,
it's only a boat race.
Nice race, old bean!
Thanks!
(GRUNTING CONTINUES)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Kids, I know sharing books,
desks, and chairs
is uncomfortable for now.
Move over, I got no room.
I'm sure once we all
get used to it,
we'll find that our school
will be a better,
more efficient place.
At least, that's what
Principal Wartz says.
WARTZ: (ON PA)
Attention, faculty,
this is Principal Wartz
with an announcement.
In order to avoid further
budget slippage,
all teachers will be rationed
one single piece of chalk
per week.
You must sign out and return
your chalk to the office.
I'll be coming by each
classroom to measure
chalk-dust output
Thank you, that is all.
This? This little bit of chalk
is supposed to last all week?
Well, I can't believe it!
This chalk rationing
is ridiculous.
We're teachers. We need chalk.
They got nothing left
to cut now.
WARTZ:
Sorry to interrupt again.
Principal Wartz here
with an announcement
about our new money-saving
light bulb policy.
(LOUD THUD)
Natural sunlight is healthy
and environmentally sound.
Teachers, open your windows
and light your classroom
with natural sunlight.
Oh! This has gone too far.
I'm sorry, kids, I can't teach
under these conditions.
Class dismissed!
(STUDENTS CHATTERING)
TEACHERS:
No chalk, no teachers!
No chalk, no teachers!
What's going on?
Did you hear the news?
All the teachers
are on strike.
Strike? That's crazy.
Miss Slovak wouldn't go
on strike.
WARTZ: (ON PA)
We have a temporary absence
of teachers.
There is no need to panic.
Repeat. No need to panic.
Everyone report to the
auditorium for class.
Isn't this cozy, kids?
Reminds me of the one-room
schoolhouse of yore.
But where's the teachers?
Now, now, kids, we don't need
school supplies and teachers
and fancy distractions
like that.
They just get
in the way.
I know you kids have
a natural thirst for learning.
So I am going to teach
you myself.
Let's start with history.
Who can tell me the date
of the Battle of 1066?
(SNAPS FINGERS)
(STRUMMING GUITAR)
And now, the left side
of the room.
B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O
B-I-N-G-O and Bingo was
his name-oh
(SNORING)
Okay, right side of the room.
B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O
and Bingo was his name-oh
There was ♪
Well, gee, look at that.
12:30. Time to go.
But Principal Wartz, we don't
get released until 2:45.
Well, today you do. In fact,
take tomorrow off, too.
In fact, don't come back until
the teachers' strike is over.
Class dismissed!
(KIDS CHEERING)
It's great not having school.
We could play baseball,
go swimming and just
play and lay around.
Yeah, and I guess we're gonna
have to do it all over
again tomorrow.
(KIDS CHEERING)
Excuse me, lady, can you
make change for this?
Miss Slovak?
Hey, you look
just like our teacher.
That's because I am, Harold.
Hi, boys! Are you enjoying
your time off?
You work here now?
Temporarily, Arnold.
I don't get paid
during the teachers' strike,
so here I am.
It's not teaching, but I do
get to play air hockey
for half price.
Now, who needs change?
Uh, I do for a dollar.
Change for a dollar.
Hey, let's make this fun.
What percentage of a dollar
is a nickel?
I'll make it easier.
If a dime is ten percent
of one hundred,
then a nickel is
Uh, gee! Look at the time.
Aren't we supposed to be
at the bowling alley?
Yeah, see you later,
Miss Slovak.
(KIDS CHEERING)
Hey, kids!
Hey, people, people.
Settle down now.
Settle down now. Before you
rule your next frame,
let's talk bowling.
Wait a minute, aren't you
Mr. Packenham?
The 5th grade teacher in the
class next to ours?
Yes, I am, but during
the teachers' strike,
I'm a pin resetter.
But I never stop
being a teacher.
Back in 1642, when the pilgrim
first arrived
(CHILDREN EXCLAIMING)
We got to get away from
these teachers.
They're everywhere!
I've got an idea.
Wait, come back.
Hey, I got slides.
GERALD: Now this
is more like it.
Nothing here but fish,
fish, and
Well, here's some
familiar faces.
Mrs. Uberman?
Another teacher?
You're just in time, boys.
My tour group starts
in five minutes.
Line up, single file.
Teachers, teachers everywhere!
It's like some horror movie
or something.
It's worse
than a horror movie.
It's real, bucko.
There must be somewhere
we can go where
we won't see teachers.
How about the school?
(ALL CHEERING)
WARTZ: Kids, children,
students, pupils,
stop right there!
You are trespassing
on city state
and federal property.
But this is our school.
Not during
the teachers' strike,
it isn't, but not to worry.
You kids will have plenty of
time to enjoy our fine
facilities all summer.
(EXCLAIMS) What?
Didn't you know?
Every day, you have off during
the teachers' strike,
you'll be making up during
your summer vacation.
Shame, we don't have
air conditioning.
Well, enjoy your time off!
Remember, no trespassing!
Wasting our summer vacation
with their stupid strike.
This is getting serious.
We've got the teachers
with their stupid problems,
Principal Wartz and his
stupid problems.
No one cares about us.
We're victims of the system.
Just kick around like
a mangy old dog in
a back-alley mud puddle.
Maybe if we could figure
it out, then we could end
the strike
and get back to school.
That's it, Arnold!
We split up,
go talk to the teachers
and Principal Wartz,
find out what's wrong
and what it takes to fix it.
Hey, Arnold, how'd it go?
You find out anything?
Nah, all the teachers
I talked to said it was too
Too complicated to explain.
That's exactly
what Principal Wartz told me
when I tried to talk to him.
What could be
so complicated about it?
It must be some huge problem.
Well, we tried.
Wanna go play catch?
No, Gerald, our summer
vacation's at stake.
We have to figure it out.
Oh, hi, boys!
Can you believe it?
Just last week,
I was drinking free coffee
in the teachers' lounge,
but then Principal Wartz
had to go on his
budget-slashing rampage.
We told him not to take away
our free coffee.
It was the only perk
we had left.
Well, that was the last straw.
Principal Wartz just looked us
in the eye and said,
"Budget, budget, budget!"
And now here we are.
(CHUCKLES)
All the teachers
are on strike
making our own coffee.
Coffee? That's the problem?
Are you thinkin'
what I'm thinkin'?
(CHUCKLING)
So you're saying you want us
to donate coffee to the school
to end the teachers' strike?
Well, why not? It's for
a good cause.
Now, what kind would you like?
We've got Mocha Java,
Java Mocha, Arabian Mocha,
Krakatoan Estate Java,
Zimbabwe, Sumatra, Antigua,
Guatemala, Kenya, Hawaiian,
Kona Kona, Koala, Walla Walla,
Dark Roast, Light Roast,
Dark Light Roast.
Hah, oh, yeah, this is
surely a fine cup of joe,
isn't it, Miss Slovak?
Agreed, Principal Wartz!
Good! Now that we all agree
on the most important thing.
I guess you can
end the strike.
So we can go back to school
and not have to be here
during summer vacation.
End the strike?
Is that why you called
us here?
Yeah. Didn't the teachers
go on strike
because they couldn't
get free coffee
in the teachers' lounge?
(EXCLAIMS) Free coffee?
Well, sure the coffee
was the last straw,
but there's still
our vacation package,
and our free supplies,
and our bathroom breaks.
This is much bigger
than coffee.
It was good Mocha Java though.
Wrong again,
it was Java Mocha.
And I'd stake
my reputation on it.
That and 50 cents
will buy you a cup of coffee,
you cheapskate!
Then why don't you buy it,
you spendthrift?
That's it! Back to
the picket line!
Go ahead!
ALL: No chalk, no teachers!
No chalk, no teachers!
PHOEBE: Is there any
chance of a compromise?
Doesn't look good.
When we left, they were
yellin' about coffee.
Coffee? Criminy!
I can't waste
my summer vacation
because of them.
We've just gotta get
back to school.
(ALL CHATTERING)
And I have twice
as many chores at home.
We have to go back to school.
ALL: We have to go back
to school.
We have to go back to school.
Wait a minute. That's it!
What's it?
We just go back to school,
sit at our desks,
and start studying.
It's that simple!
Come on!
ALL: (CHEERING) Yay!
If it's so simple,
why don't I get it?
MS. SLOVAK: All right,
everybody, what do we say?
No chalk
ALL: No teachers!
No chalk, no teachers!
I am turning on
the sprinklers.
TEACHERS: No chalk
KIDS: (CHEERING) Yeah!
What are the kids doing here?
What? Where are you
children going?
Back to school.
Watch where you're going.
Excuse me, you bumped into us.
Typical faculty attitude.
Blame all your troubles
on the administration.
How am I supposed to run
a school when you teachers
put me over budget?
Typical administrative
gobbledygook.
How can we teach
when we don't even have
a book for every kid?
That's the kind
of profligate attitude
that takes us down a slippery
slope to budget slippage.
If I hear the word slippage
one more time, I'll
Slippage, slippage, slippage!
Excuse me? Could you keep it
down out here?
We're trying to study.
Thank you.
Oh, sorry.
And another thing
Wait a minute.
What? My gosh! It's an old
fashioned sit-in.
I've been in situations
like this before.
There's some ulterior
motive here.
All right, kids.
What are your demands?
All we are asking is give us
a piece of chalk.
You mean you just wanna sit
in here and study?
I don't understand. I
Look, maybe you wanna spend
your summer vacation here,
but we don't.
Look, I suppose I may have
gone a little overboard
with my economizing.
I suppose I could spare
a couple of extra pieces
of chalk.
Well, I guess we could be more
careful with the supplies.
We could use both sides
of the paper
during Art class.
Is the strike over?
It's looking good, kid.
Why don't we work out
the details in the
teachers' lounge?
Over coffee?
Sure.
It's on me this time.
(MS. SLOVAK CHUCKLES)
(KIDS CHEERING)
Kids, I'm glad to be back.
That was a great thing
you did.
Now, for tomorrow,
I want a 500-word essay on
"The Importance of Learning".
(ALL GROAN)
Aw, man! Back in school again!
Yeah, but, hey, look at
the bright side.
Only 65 days till
summer vacation.
(MUSIC PLAYING)