Hogan's Heroes (1965) s02e18 Episode Script

ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) ( explosion ) Hey, Kinch is in the tunnel! ( Kinch coughing ) HOGAN: You all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm okay.
What happened? What happened? Newkirk, what did you and Carter put in that bottle-- the one marked "furniture polish"? Oh, no, that was nitroglycerin.
Oh, Carter should've told you.
Yeah, yeah, well, I found that out for myself.
You know, I really didn't mind that you didn't scratch the "furniture polish" off the label, but why did you have to leave that other thing on? What? Shake well before using.
Any damage in the tunnel? No, just the radio.
The radio? It's going to take quite some time to fix that thing.
We got to listen to that BBC broadcast today.
There's an important message for us.
Yeah, well, that radio ain't broadcasting nothing to nobody today.
What did what did I hear?! What did I hear? I know when I hear something.
All right, Schultz, let's try to help you.
What was it you heard? It was like, uh boom, boom! Boom-boom.
Was it like this? No, it was like boom, boom! Was it this? HEROES: Boom! Boom! Stop it! Stop it.
Now, you listen to me.
On account of you, I lost already a three-day pass.
I'm up for another one.
So please, no more boom-boom.
We got 20 minutes till that BBC broadcast, and we've got to hear it.
Any chance of fixing the radio? Not a chance.
It'll take at least a couple of days to put it together.
The only other radio in camp is in the commandant's office.
Klink isn't going to let you listen to the BBC on his radio.
Nah, he'd turn you down in a second if you asked him.
Who said I was going to ask him? When Emily Post doesn't work, you use Sigmund Freud.
What is going on here? Just planting some shrubbery around your office, Commandant.
Thought it might brighten up the place.
Carry on.
( loudly ): Why is Commandant Klink so suspicious? Ah, it isn't his fault.
It's part of the German officer staff training.
Klink can't do what he wants to.
He's got to conform.
It's part of the system.
You mean he's afraid? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe that's it.
Don't put those flowers too close together, huh? KINCH: What's he afraid of, Colonel Hogan? Lots of things.
Little things, like making personal decisions on his own.
Back home, we listened to the German broadcast all the time, but you never see Klink listen to the BBC broadcast.
I guess he's afraid.
LeBEAU: That's it.
He's afraid, all right.
NEWKIRK: That must be the answer.
MAN: The news continues good on all fronts.
A bit of fighting took place today south of El Alamein.
Rommel's tank forces retreating slowly under the heavy barrages from General Montgomery's artillery.
( volume increases ) ( broadcast continues in background ) "Top priority project for you to handle.
"Details in parachute drop "at Grid Point A-12 tonight, 9:23.
Matter of vital importance.
" That's it.
Hey, look at all that money! Blimey, we're rich, we're rich.
Hold it! This money is supposed to be delivered to a Ludwig Strasser for a map with the location of all the new rocket launching sites.
How much money is he getting? All of it.
We've got to get the map to the allies so they can send their bombers over and knock out those launching sites.
When would that be, sir? In two days.
Wow KINCH: Hey, watch it! Klink is coming.
Hide the money.
Not up there.
Under the table! Under the table! Please! Not there, not there.
Well, where, where? Anyplace! Uh-huh.
Hogan, I see you don't agree with our rules and regulations.
Well, which ones you have in mind, Commandant? Lights out was Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I got carried away.
We were having a little celebration.
Celebration? I don't have to remind you.
Today's the birthday of Attila the Hun.
Disgraceful.
Well, look, I'm not so crazy about him myself, but he is one of your national heroes.
We just got carried away with the spirit of the holiday, that's all.
Never mind, Hogan-- I just want you to know that this will not go unpunished, right, Schu? Right, Schultz? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Someone will be punished.
The one who's responsible, right, Schultz? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant, the one who is responsible.
The one who's to see to it that lights out are at the proper time, right, Schultz? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
The one who has to see to it that lights are out I'll take your three-day pass now.
Please, Herr Kommandant By the way for your information, I listen to the BBC whenever I feel like it.
Whenever I feel like it.
Be careful, don't, don't, don't! Ow, ow! It's red-hot.
The coffee, the coffee.
Oh, no! Well, it's ruined.
I didn't know Klink was going to light the pass.
It's not your fault, Newkirk.
The problem is, where do we get another 100,000 marks so that we can get the map from Ludwig Strasser? How 'bout the same place we got this money? Mm-mm.
No way to contact the allies.
No radio.
No time to fix it, either.
And in two days, the Germans start using those rocket launching sites unless we knock 'em out.
( sighs ): Ludwig Strasser.
It's the story of my life.
I never could hang on to money.
( doorbell buzzing ) You sent for a plumber? No, you've made a mistake.
No, Herr Strasser.
No mistake.
Who are you? There are no penguins at Gibraltar.
There are no canaries in the Canary Islands.
Blue is the most attractive color.
White is more suitable for brides.
That's why there are so many June weddings.
Good.
Give me the money.
Not so fast.
What about the map? Oh, I've got it.
You'll get it when you give me the money.
There's a little problem.
Problem? You don't have Not exactly.
Exactly how much do you have? Nothing but we'll get you the money in a few days if you give me the map now.
In the spy business, there are no credit accounts.
Doesn't it mean anything to you that you may be saving a lot of lives? Oh, that's another thing about the spy business.
The only thing we're interested in saving is money.
You know, that big heart of yours is going to swell right up and choke you to death.
In case you have any foolish ideas, the map isn't here, but I can lay my hands on it in five minutes when I need it.
Thanks.
You saved both of us a little trouble.
I'll see what I can do about getting the money.
Oh, and, um, while you're here Yes? Could you do something about a dripping faucet? That's another thing about the spy business.
We don't do anything for drips.
So, it's strictly no dice unless we come up with 100,000 marks.
Where does everybody usually go when they're looking for money? Where? The bank.
Unfortunately, we don't have an account.
So we make a withdrawal without an account.
Rob a bank?! Banks don't like to be robbed.
What if we get caught? What's the penalty for that? They throw you in prison, right? And where are we now? In prison.
So what do we got to lose? It'll take all of us to do the job.
Sir, how are we going to get into town in broad daylight? There'll be at least two roll calls.
One of us wouldn't be missed, but if we all go I've got that figured out, too.
What is going on?! I said what's going on?! Schultz, bring these men to my office right away.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! What are you doing?! What are you? Why do you want us to go there? We haven't done anything.
Is something wrong, Commandant? "Is something wrong?" Yes, there's something wrong! That imbecile was throwing dirt into my office! I'll have to ask you not to call my men names.
I'll call him anything I like! And don't raise your voice to him.
I'll say anything I like to him.
I say you won't.
We'll see about that.
Schultz.
Throw that man into solitary.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Now, hold it, Schultz.
Why just one of them? Why not both of them? Throw both of them into solitary! Now, hold it, Schultz.
Hogan, I warn you.
Your rank will not protect you from the same punishment as your men.
( chuckles, then laughs ) You wouldn't dare.
Him, too! Hogan? Schultz, you heard me.
Now we'll see if 24 hours in the cooler won't teach them a little discipline.
If you please, Colonel Hogan.
I'll toss you for the bed.
Okay, the loser gets it.
This looks like it, all right.
Any reason it's this particular bank, sir? Yeah.
It's the only one in town.
In the middle of the holdup, don't get trigger happy.
No, no, I don't think so, Fritz.
Whatever you say, Herr Beyler.
Yeah, I'm afraid not.
Come.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Can I help you? Who are you? I am Herr Brinksmeyer, the owner of the bank.
Herr Beyler, president of Beyler Brothers Company.
I am very happy to meet you.
You've heard of Beyler Brothers Company, of course? Of course.
Of, uh, Hamburg, I think? Hamburg, Frankfurt and Berlin.
Ja, of course.
Is there anything I can do for you gentlemen? Well, we had planned on opening a branch factory in this town, but I don't think you have the proper banking facilities.
If I may say so Herr Beyler said no.
Ah, Fritz.
I didn't say positively no.
Now, you were saying? Our bank may be small, but we have every facility, und a foreign department, und our assets are over 12 million marks.
Sounds very good.
What about cash on hand? Say I wanted to cash a check for 100,000 marks.
No trouble at all.
Very good.
What about security against holdups? All our tellers are armed.
There is a police station right across the street, und in the balcony, we have a guard with a machine gun.
You have a nice little bank here.
Do you give calendars at Christmas? Every year, a different picture of the Fuhrer.
I'll discuss it with my board of directors and let you know.
BRINKSMEYER: Thank you, Herr Beyler.
Auf Wiedersehn.
Wiedersehn.
Thank you.
Looking forward to your calendars.
Lovely calendar.
( accordion music playing ) Excuse me.
Yes? I must have made a mistake.
I thought you were a prisoner.
You thought I was a prisoner? I have to apologize.
You have no idea what a remarkable resemblance.
I mean, you don't look like him.
He looks like you.
Yes.
Excuse me.
Morning.
Good morning.
Apologize.
It is him! It is them! Now I know why you look like him.
You are him.
And you Don't tell me.
I like to guess.
Schultz, relax.
You're attracting attention.
That's ex ( quietly ): exactly what I want to do.
If someone is in a solitary cooler, one is supposed to stay there.
This is regulation.
Hello, Schultzy.
Hello.
Now, don't pull any tricks on And you, too? The sauerbraten's very good.
Hey, that's good enough for me.
Forget it.
I'm going to call the police right away.
I mean it.
Well, if that's the way you want it, Schultz, I guess you're gonna get a promotion for this.
( chuckles ) I might even get a medal.
Yes, I can just see the ceremonies now.
While they're pinning the medal on you and generals are shaking your hand, there's a telegram from the Fuhrer.
And everyone is saying, "Isn't it a lucky thing that Sergeant Schultz was in town on pass in time to catch the prisoners.
" Pass? Didn't we see old Klink burn the pass? I'm quite sure Schultz got another pass.
You did get a pass, didn't you, Schultz? No? Oh, Schultz.
No medal.
Oh, being a prisoner isn't so bad.
Look at us, Schultzy.
Yeah, thanks for dropping in, Schultz.
We've got some business to transact.
What did you find out? Here are copies of the building plan of the bank.
What's this building next door? It's an apartment building.
According to this, the bank was built after the apartment.
What are you getting at, Colonel? You'll notice this wall here of the apartment building is built right onto the bank.
And the bank vault is right up against that wall.
But those walls are made of steel two or three inches thick.
We don't have any tool that could cut through that.
When we were in the bank, did you look into the vault and notice the back? Yeah, it was just an ordinary brick wall.
The wall of the apartment building.
Who lives in this apartment? A girl.
Her name is, uh Mady Pfeiffer, and she lives alone.
She's not going to be alone tonight.
( door buzzer sounds ) Oh, at last we meet, at last.
I don't know you.
Of course not; I'm a secret admirer.
Someone who has worshipped you for months from a distance.
Months? I've only been here two weeks from Dusseldorf.
I said from a distance.
I'm Herr Beyler.
Here, I want the flowers to see true beauty.
This is a lovely apartment, my dear.
Lovely.
What's in there? That is the bedroom.
Herr Beyler, you will have to behave yourself, or I must ask you to leave.
My dear, all I want to do is just look at you, just look.
That is all? No, there is one thing.
Something I want more than anything in the whole world.
What? A cup of coffee to calm me down.
My nerves are tingling.
All right.
I, I will make you some coffee.
Good.
I am warming some coffee.
Wonderful, wonderful.
Why don't I get something on the radio? ( crowd cheering ) ( Hitler orating ) It is too loud! You say the Fuhrer is too loud? Is that what you said? Oh, no, no, no.
Of course not.
I would never say that.
What is that? What is what? I don't hear anything, my dear! A toast to the Fuhrer! To the Fuhrer! ( Hitler continues orating ) Don't you hear anything?! Sit down, my dear.
I hear nothing.
Here, a toast to Hermann Goering.
To Goering.
A toast, my dear! To Julius Steiner.
Julius Steiner.
Who is he? Himmler's barber.
The speech is over.
I like his longer ones.
Maybe he did not have anything to say.
Never stopped him before.
I'll get some music.
( sprightly accordion music playing ) To Max Muller! Who's Max Muller? I've never heard of him! ( striking in time with the music ) ( music stops ) There is a noise, and it is coming from my bedroom.
It's just your imagination, Mady.
( slurring ): I am a responsible girl, and if there is someone in my bedroom, I want to know who it is.
How's it going? Slow.
We got to make it fast.
We've got to get in there before that bank opens in the morning and get that money, then get it to Strasser to get that map and get back to camp before our 24 hours in solitary are up.
What about the fraulein? Don't worry about her; she's out.
Now, come on, get going, and fast.
Wait, why don't we take some extra money for expenses? No, just 100,000 marks, and make it fast.
Okay.
Wait a minute.
Take an extra 1,000 marks.
Okay.
All right, be careful.
All right, let's get this wall up.
Okay, hold it, hold it.
( sotto voce ): Thank you.
All right, look, I'm going to go get the map from Strasser.
I'll meet you back in solitary at camp.
Okay? SCHULTZ: They are all here! Where did you expect them to be? No one ever escapes from Commandant Klink.
We wouldn't think of trying to match wits with you, Commandant.
The contest would be too unequal.
You see? You have learned something already.
But I must tell you this.
I certainly wouldn't recommend this place to my friends.
The service is terrible.
Don't worry.
We can get all the customers we want.
You missed great excitement in town.
What happened? Big bank robbery.
( whistles ) No.
How low will some people sink? It's against the law, isn't it? Do they know who did it? They caught the man, but imagine the nerve of the bank robber.
This morning, he goes back to the bank and he wanted to deposit the stolen 100,000 mark to his own account.
I never heard of such gall.
Did they get all the money back, Schultzy? All but 1,000 mark.
Well, whoever's got it, I hope she uses it to good use.
"She"? Isn't it always a woman? Ja Ja.
Hey! Colonel Hogan! Colonel Hogan, open up! Colonel Hogan!