I Love Lucy (1951) s02e18 Episode Script

(I Love Lucy theme music plays) Oh, honey, where have you been? What took you so long? What do you mean, what took me so long? I had to go all over town.
There's only one store in New York City that makes a papaya juice milkshake.
Oh, thank you.
Mmm Oh Did you get the dill pickle? Lucy, are you sure that you want to? That's right.
Mmm Ricky? Yes, dear.
Honey, I never asked you this before, but what do you hope the baby's going to be, a boy or a girl? You're going to be disappointed if it isn't a boy, aren't you? Oh, no, honey, don't be silly.
You will, too.
Every man wants a little boy so he can see himself running around.
Well, I don't particularly.
If it's a boy, I'll be happy, and if it's a girl I'll be happy, too.
I really don't care.
Well, that's good.
How do you feel about it, honey? I guess every woman wants a little girl so she can dress her up fancy and fuss over her and teach her how to catch a man.
Well, maybe most women do, but I feel just the way you do, Ricky.
I don't care, boy or girl, doesn't make any difference.
Oh, that's good.
Here, honey.
Thank you.
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.
Oh, honey, what's in the package? Oh, honey, nothing, nothing.
Oh, it was a surprise for me.
Well Well, it's spoiled now.
I might just as well open it.
But I don't want you So you have no preference, huh? Well, that doesn't mean anything.
Lots of little girls play football, too, you know.
What are you going to name her, Rocky Ricardo? Come on, now.
Let's see what other feminine frills we have here.
Havana U.
, 1974.
So it doesn't make any difference to you, boy or girl, no preference, doesn't matter.
All right, all right, so I'd rather have a boy.
Is that so terrible? Now, give me the stuff, come on.
Oh, honey, now, don't get mad.
No, come on, you're making fun of me.
Aw, come on.
Sit down, honey.
Come on, sit down, baby, come on, now.
Well If you dress my son in this, he'll need those boxing gloves.
Well, I guess it's true.
Women want girls and men want boys.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Havana U.
? What? You mean you want our child to go to Havana University? Certainly.
Havana U.
, my old alma mater.
Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful? Just think of it.
Our son.
Or daughter.
Walking the very same campus where I used to walk.
And one day, after Havana wins the big game and holds the jai alai pennant, we'll stand together and sing: Arriba, arriba por Havana U.
No hay nadie en el mundo que sea como tu Rah, rah, viva, rah, rah, rah Havana, Havana U.
, ole! Yeah, well, that's fine, dear, from your point of you, but gee, I don't know, Havana? What's the matter with Havana? Well, nothing, but we have a couple little red schoolhouses in this country, too, you know.
Well, honey, let's not worry about it.
The main thing is that our child will go to college.
Yeah.
You know, I've been giving this a lot of thought, Ricky.
It's a big responsibility having a baby and bringing up a child.
You know all the questions they ask.
You have to give them a right answer, too.
Gee, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to do it.
Oh, honey, sure you will.
Well, I don't know.
You know the kind of questions children ask.
Suppose our child asks something simple like, "Mommy, where does rain come from?" "Where does rain come from? "Well, I don't know, dear.
Your mommy's a dumbbell.
" Oh, honey, you're just being ridiculous.
I am not.
Of course, there's always one good answer: "Ask your daddy, dear.
He can explain it better than I can.
" "Daddy, where does rain come from?" Well, dear, it's very simple.
You see, the water Well, first of all, there are the clouds, see.
And the clo The moisture in the air See what I mean? We have to do something about this.
Oh, honey, you're just exaggerating the whole thing.
I am not.
And I'm going to start studying right now.
When I get through, I want my child to think that its mother is a walking book of knowledge.
(chuckling) Hi, honey.
Good evening.
Oh, when you get started on something, you really go through with it, don't you? Oh, boy, am I pooped.
Well, this is indeed distressing news.
To what do you attribute your plethora of fatigue? The enervating activities of your nocturnal occupation? What? I said, this is indeed distressing news.
To what do you attribute your plethora of fatigue? I heard you the first time, but what language is it? It's the language I want our child to learn: good English.
That's English? Yes.
Funny thing- when it's spoken correctly, you don't even recognize it, do you? You know, I had no idea how sloppy my speech was until I started reading this book.
Oh, brother.
No, really, it's true.
But they have a wonderful exercise to correct it.
"How do you do, Mrs.
Smith? "How do you do, Mrs.
Jones? "And how are all your adorable children? "Quite well, thank you.
"And how is your sister Cynthia? Sister Cynthia is simply scintillating.
" Now, Lucy, you're not going to teach our child to talk that way, are you? I certainly am.
From the time our child is born, it's not going to hear anything but perfect English.
Well, honey, it's a very nice thought, but as usual you have no logical 'splanation for doin' it the way you're doin' it.
What did you say? You heard what I said.
"As usual, there's no logical 'splanation for doin' it the way you're doin' it.
" Ricky, promise me something.
What? Promise me that until our child is at least 19 or 20 years old, you won't talk to it.
What? What's the matter with the way I talk? Well, I haven't told you this before, dear, but you speak with a slight accent.
You can understand me, can't you? Well, now, yes.
I've learned to listen with an accent.
But when we first started going together, it was just Well, do you remember when you proposed? Yeah.
Well, it was a stab in the dark when when I said yes.
I wasn't sure that you'd asked me to get married or go to a movie.
Do you mean to tell me that I could have gotten out of this whole deal by just taking you to a movie? Ricky Ricardo.
Here, honey, I'll show you what I mean.
Now, you take this book and pretend that our child has come to you and said, "Daddy, read me a good-night story.
" All right.
There you are, Daddy.
"Once upon a time in the woods live a peasant.
"He was a good man with a noble heart.
"He spent his time in the forest cutting down booges from the trees.
" "Cutting wood " Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, just a minute.
What is this "booges?" "Booges," right in there.
That's "boughs.
" B- O-U-G-H is "bough?" Right.
Bough.
"He spent his time in the forest cutting down boughs "from the trees.
"Cutting wood all day made his hands strong and row.
One day " That's "rough.
" Spelled the same way as the other: O- U-G-H.
That's right.
That shows how little you know about the English language.
So I made a little mistake.
"Made his hands strong and rough.
"One day he cut wood so fast that by "his day's work was thruff.
When the " Hold it, Shakespeare.
Thraugh? T- h-r-o-u-g-h is pronounced "through.
" Through, that's what I always say.
Now, stop picking on me, will you? You're getting me all confuse.
"His day's work was through.
"It started to rain on the way home, "and he got so wet that his nose became red and he developed a hacking " "coo?" Well, I know it can't be "cow.
" It's "cough.
" Oh, that did it.
I had enough.
Or should I say "enu"? No, enough.
Enough.
I don't see why you have to have such a crazy language anyway.
In Spanish you don't have all those "ow," "oh," "oo," "off," "oof" sounds.
In Spanish, you got a sound, it sounds the same all the time.
You write it the same way, it sounds the same way.
No matter where you put it, it comes out the same way.
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.
I tell you what we're gonna do.
We're gonna teach our child to speak Spanish.
Spanish! That's right.
And what's more, I don't want you to talk to the kid until he's 21 years old.
Our child is going to learn to speak English, but first we have to learn.
We're going to hire a tutor.
A tutor? That's right.
And you and I and Fred and Ethel will take lessons.
Fred and Ethel? How did they get into the act? Well, they're gonna be around here a lot, and I want anyone who's gonna converse with my child to speak perfect English.
Now, Lucy, that is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard Now, honey, my mind is made up I had enough trouble learning how to speak American.
ETHEL: Hi, Lucy.
Hi.
Is the tutor here yet? No, not yet.
He ought to be here any minute.
I'm fixing the classroom, see? Oh! Say, Lucy, aren't tutors awful expensive? How did you get Ricky to agree to pay for one? I didn't.
I told him it wouldn't cost him a cent.
Huh? Well, you see, when Mr.
Livermore called me, he just happened to mention that he would be interested RICKY: Lucy! Yeah, dear? Are the Mertzes here yet? Ethel's here.
Hi, Ethel.
Hi.
Where's Fred? Isn't he coming? Yeah, he's coming all right, but he kicked like a steer.
Well, is he coming? Look, if Fred doesn't come, I don't want to He'll be here, Ricky.
He had on dirty overalls, and I made him change his clothes.
(doorbell buzzes) That must be Mr.
Livermore now.
School days, school days, dear old golden rule days Reading and writing and 'rithmetic (Ricky laughing hysterically) Taught to the tune of a hickory stick You were my bashful barefoot beau Wrote on my slate, "I love you, Joe" Fred Mertz! (laughing) Oh, Fred, that's wonderful.
What do you think you're doing? Now, you two stop.
This is serious.
All right, Buster Brown, go downstairs and get out of that silly outfit.
All right, all right! See you at recess, Rick.
Last one to the teeter-totter's a rotten egg.
(laughing) I was your queen in calico You were my bashful barefoot beau Why-ay-ay How do you do? Are you Mister I'm Mr.
Livermore.
Oh, come in, please.
Please.
I- I'm Mrs.
Ricardo.
Charmed.
Pleased to meetcha.
Meetcha? The phrase is "meet you.
" Meet you.
Meet I'm glad to meet you.
Meet you.
Uh, I'd like you to meet your other pupils.
This is Mrs.
Mertz.
Howdja do? Are you, by any chance, endeavoring to pronounce "How do you do?" Yeah- uh, yes.
Uh, and this is Fred Mertz.
Howdja do? You see, Mrs.
Mertz, you've transmitted your bad enunciation to your son here.
(Ricky laughs) Ow, you hurt me, Mommy.
Oh, behave yourself.
He isn't my son.
He's my husband.
My word.
Either way, it presents an appalling prospect.
You don't understand, Mr.
Livermore.
You see, Fred is dressed like that because he's going back to school.
It's his idea of a little joke.
(laughs) Oh? Uh, this is my husband, Ricky Ricardo.
It is a great pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr.
Ricardo.
Hi.
I just want you to know that the only reason I'm only doing this is to keep her happy because she's going to have a baby in February.
But to tell you the truth, this whole thing is ridiculous to me, and the whole routine, I don't want any part of it.
What did he say? Well, he was just trying to What's the matter with you? Don't you understand English? We'd better get started immediately.
There's more to do here than I thought.
Places, everybody.
Is he making fun of me? No.
Shh! Shush! LIVERMORE: Attention, class.
Inasmuch as we are faced here with a state of emergency, I will dispense with the traditional oath of allegiance and good-morning song.
To properly enunciate, we must practice first saying our vowels.
Repeat after me, please.
A, E, I, O, U.
A, A, A, Ah, E, E, E, Eh, I, I, I, Ee, O, O, O, Oh, U, U, U, Ooh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh.
Mr.
Ricardo, please, alone.
Ah, eh, ee, oh, ooh.
Mr.
Ricardo, wherever did you acquire that odd pronunciation? I went to school in Cuba.
What's your 'scuse? Ricky, apologize! Apologize! Okay, okay, I'm No, no, just a moment.
Did you say "okay?" Yeah.
We must rid our speech of slang.
Now, besides "okay," I want you all to promise me that there are two words that you will never use.
One of these is "swell" and the other one is "lousy.
" Okay, what are they? One of them is "swell" and the other one is "lousy.
" Well, give us the lousy one first.
I don't believe you quite understand.
Don't bother to explain, Mr.
Livermore.
Just tell us what the words are and we won't use them.
No.
But don't you see? The word Well, the other May I have a glass of water, please? Okay.
I- I mean yes.
Would you help me, Ethel, get a pitcher and some glasses? Yes.
I would say "okay.
" That's a swell way to get off to a lousy start.
Mr.
Ricardo, perhaps this would be a good time to discuss our song.
Our song? Well, at least my song.
You see, I'm referring to the business deal your wife and I made.
Don't you understand? In lieu of the remuneration for my tutelage, I am to be permitted to introduce my talents into your nocturnal bistro.
Hey, hey, I think I got it, Rick.
Instead of you paying him, this guy's gonna sing in your nightclub.
Yes.
You want to sing at the Tropicana? Thank you, I'd love to.
I tippy-tippy-toe through my garden Where all the pretty flowers dwell Wait a minute There's a rare perfume in my garden Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Hold it.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I don't know what Ricky, what's the matter? What's the matter? What's going on, dear? Well, I was singing my little ditty for your husband You mean to tell me that you actually promised this character that he was going to sing at the club? Yes, isn't it wonderful? And we're going to get six months' English lessons free.
I don't care we're gonna get English lessons free for the rest of our lives.
He's not gonna sing in my club.
Well! But, Ricky, that isn't fair.
You haven't even heard the song.
I heard the song.
"Tippy-tippy-toe.
" Ay-yi-yi-yi.
Well, I think you owe Mr.
Livermore the courtesy of at least hearing it through once.
Now, after all, it's going to sound a lot better down at the club, with the lights on and all of us singing with him and everything BOTH: All of us singing?! What do you mean, all of us singing? Now, just a minute.
He's worked up a very cute little act, he's got it all figured out, and I think the least we could do is listen and I insist that we try it now.
Thank you.
Now, this is the way I start.
Mr.
Mertz, please.
I stand here, Mr.
and Mrs.
Ricardo there, Mr.
and Mrs.
Mertz there.
(clears throat) And I sing the verse first.
(clears throat) I tippy-tippy-toe through my garden Where all the pretty flowers dwell There's a rare perfume in my garden And I just love to stand there and smell And as Now you come back here.
You come right back here.
You haven't heard the best part yet.
That's obvious, yeah.
Now come on back here, right where you were, all of you.
Go ahead, Mr.
Livermore.
Thank you.
And as I tippy-tippy-toe along All the pretty flowers seem to sing this song.
Now, here's where you come in.
Here's one for each.
Ladies first, of course.
Now, you sing when I point to you.
Now I'll sing what I just sang again.
(clears throat) And as I tippy-tippy-toe along All the pretty flowers seem to sing this song Darry-down pip-pip Dilly-dilly day Hey, nonny-nonny Rippity-pippity ay Now comes the cute part.
You begin first this time, Mr.
Mertz.
Darry-down ding-dong Dilly-dilly doo Hey, nonny-nonny Rippity-pippity poo That's all, brother, I had it.
Ricky, Ricky You can ETHEL: Oh, Lucy (all talking at once) Sit down, won't you? Hey, Rick.
Yeah, hi, Fred.
Ethel tells me you're going through with this silly thing.
Yeah, I told Lucy that I was going to last night.
See? Where is Lucy? She's in the bedroom.
What's the matter with you? I believe you've finally cracked your Cuban crock.
Look, Fred, will you trust me, huh? I got a plan, I got it all figured out, and I think it'll work perfect.
I made a deal with Mr.
Livermore.
Yes, but I'm afraid I've sullied my principles by accepting your scheme, Mr.
Ricardo.
Now, remember, you guaranteed to get me auditions with every record company in town.
Look, you just hold your end of the bargain and I'll take care of mine.
Don't you worry.
Will you please tell me what's going on? Relax, will you? You'll see.
Lucy! LUCY: Yes, dear Coming.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Livermore.
Hi, Fred.
Hi, Lucy.
What's the matter, dear? Is something wrong? I didn't expect you home so soon.
Oh, no, no, honey, nothing is wrong.
Everything is fine.
The orchestrations are wonderful.
We just thought that we'd come home and get a good, uninterrupted singing rehearsal.
Oh, well, that's nice.
You know something, Lucy? You were right.
I can't 'splain it, but this guy grows on you.
Aw Well, I knew you'd like him.
Yeah, no kiddin'.
He dun't know what a real nice guy he is.
He dun't either.
What did you say? I said he dun't either.
I can't 'splain it, but He's a swell guy.
Oh, no.
Ah, listen, you should hear him get going when he gets ahold of a good song.
He really goes- he's good, this guy.
Oh, Percy, come on, go ahead.
LIVERMORE: Well Bum Babaloo Bum Babaloo RICKY: Bum Babaloo ay yay That a boy! Give it to them, Percy.
Yay Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
It won't work.
It won't work.
What won't work? It was a battle of the accents, and Mr.
Livermore lost.
It won't work.
Just forget it.
But honey, I got the orchestratings and everything's fine (I Love Lucy theme music plays) WGBH access.
wgbh.
org I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.