In Living Color (1990) s02e18 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me it's a'ight to be - In living color And how would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody here is equally kind Everybody, everybodyeverybody, everybody - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living c-c-c-olor You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me it's a'ight to be - In living color You can do what you wanna doin living color [Audience Applauding.]
I tell ya, these are the best damn applications I've ever seen.
These two are gonna fit right in here at the Dixie Hills Country Club.
Look at this.
.
.
Harvard graduates, champion skiers.
.
.
members of the Glee Club.
- [Dogs Growling.]
- Show them in.
Let's get these formalities over with.
Excuse me.
Uh, the kitchen entrance is for the caddies.
Well, thanks, but we drive a Volvo.
And frankly, we'd rather keep it in the parking lot.
Wouldn't you say, Tom? - That's right.
You don't want the you-know-who's to get it.
- That's right.
- Who are you? - We're Tom and Tom, the Brothers brothers.
That's right.
We hope we're not late.
It's just that, uh.
.
.
that initiation you put us through was pretty tricky.
Those were the friendliest dogs I've ever seen in my life.
- That was very clever of you.
- That's right.
And the guy with the billy club, hey, he must be a method actor.
I've got some knots on my noodle, there.
- You might want to feed those dogs, though.
- That's right.
Ah, but they had the friendliest little smiles, all those teeth.
I haven't seen anything like that in a long time.
I thought Gary Coleman was on my arm.
I think we're ready for the last step though.
We were practicing that handshake.
Let's show 'em, Tom.
- Whistle! Whistle! Whistle! Whistle! Whistle! - [Whistling.]
That's very inspiring, gentlemen, but I don't think you fit in here.
I really don't.
I mean, we're all Republicans, and you're probablyJesse supporters.
You bet your last graham cracker and, uh, Velveeta cheese.
That's right.
I mean, Jesse Helms is a great man.
Any Republican worth his weight in Krugerrands would know that.
That's right.
He's done a lot for the tobacco industry.
Why, if it wasn't forJesse, there'd be no cigarettes.
That's right.
I mean, what would you do after sex.
.
.
smoke a ham? [Both Laughing.]
Smoked ham.
I was talking aboutJesseJackson.
Who? - JesseJackson? - Is he the one between Michael and Tito? - Yeah.
He plays the bongos, doesn't he? - The one that kept the nose.
Look, do I have to spell it out for you people? We don't want your kind around here.
Oh, here we go again, Tom.
Fargenoodle.
Bull dookey.
- That's right.
Don't blow your stack, man.
- No.
Doodle noodles.
Double doodle noodles.
But don't blow your stack.
Well, l-I'm just sick and tired of this kind of prejudice.
Listen here, pal.
Just because we're entertainers doesn't make us snobs.
That's right.
We're people.
We are the world.
Kumbaya.
That is not what we meant.
So you're entertainers.
Well, then, you might want to meet, uh, the club comedian.
Tom and Tom, meet Billy Bob Baker.
- Billy Bob Baker.
- How you boys doin'? Billy Bob Baker.
Billy Bob Baker.
Say, hey, I've got a real corker for y'all.
What do you call a black man in a three-piece suit? - A defendant! - Well, how'd you know that joke? Know it? We wrote it.
We use it in our nightclub act.
Sure.
Hey, I got one for you.
Why's all the aspirin white? Because you want itto work for you, don't you? I got one! I got one! I got one! I got one! I got one! How do you babysit a little black kid? Velcro on the ceiling! - Oh, darn! He knew it! - They're fans of ours.
You know, Otis, I think we should elect them.
- It may help us settle that discrimination suit.
- Hmm.
Alrighty, then.
Congratulations.
You're the new Dixie Hill Country Club Toms! Ooh! Oh, thank you.
Oh, gosh.
I'm speechless.
This is.
.
.
This is the happiest day of my life.
L-I haven't been this honored since I won the Bryant Gumbel look-alike contest.
And I won the Byron Allen look-alike contest.
Oh, gosh.
I tell you what.
How about we sing about it, Tom? - Yeah, let's do that.
- Howard? - Howard? - Coming right up, sir.
- Say.
- Is that Uncle Ben? Hit it.
If you need a token then just count on us We'll fulfill your quota We won't make a fuss Although our skin is dark it's no problem, you see Your golf balls and ours are both white as can be Hello, I'm Oprah Winfrey.
And for those of you who still don't get it.
.
.
I'm gonna show you one more time.
This is your brain.
This is your brain on drugs.
This is your brain on alcohol.
This is your brain on hard roll with bacon and tomato.
Any questions? Pathetic.
Just pathetic.
They don't have enough words to describe how bad you guys were yesterday.
To say that you blow chunkswould be an understatement.
Roll the film.
So far so good, Cooper,but here's where you lose it.
What the hell was that? It was a touchdown dance, Coach.
You call that a touchdown dance? I call that a hootenanny! [All Laughing.]
Shut up.
! The rest of youwerejust as ridiculous.
! Watch this.
Shut it off.
Pathetic! We're 10-0, and we're still the laughingstock of the entire league.
You need help, people! So today we're gonna be working with Guy Stemple from the city ballet.
Guy, they're all yours.
Thanks a lot, coach.
Much too wet.
What's with this guy, Coach? I think he's a.
.
.
Choreographer, Peterson.
A choreographer.
He knows exactly what I am! Now listen up, maggots! For the next week, I am your mother, your father, your sister and your brother.
I am your worst nightmare, misters! Now let's go.
Come on.
Up on your feet, everyone.
! Come on.
! [Blows.]
All right, let's go now! It's one, two, three, four and one, two, three, four.
And kick ball right.
There you go.
Now sashay to the left.
Come on.
- [Blows.]
- [Panting.]
Swim! Swim! Come on! Come on, swim! - You can do it! Come on! - [Sobbing.]
- I can't do it! - You can do this! All right, now come on.
Let's glaze the doughnut.
Glaze.
And glaze.
And glaze.
And glaze.
All right, sprinkle on those jimmies.
Come on.
Sprinkle thosejimmies on.
[Chuckles.]
What are you guys doin'.
.
.
[Sighs.]
Look, if you guys don't want it, then I don't, all right? It's just that I promised myself that.
.
.
that I wouldn't.
.
.
[Sighs.]
Just forget it, all right? I am out of here! - Can we try it again? - What? I said, uh, can we try it again? [Sighs.]
All right, now look.
What I need you guys to do.
.
.
[Guy.]
Now let's sell the sizzleas well as the steak.
! Come on, guys.
The guy up inseat triple "Z"paid for a ticket.
Let's give him a show.
! Fellas, if we do this on Sunday.
.
.
we are really gonna be something.
[Cheering.]
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Peterson's open.
!He makes the catch.
! He's on the 15, the 10,the five.
! Touchdown.
! All right! Whoo-hoo! You sweet baby! I knew you loved us! I knew it! [Disco.]
[Man Singing.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
[Cheering.]
[Man.]
We never won another game.
.
.
but Guy's memory is a flamethat will sizzle in our hearts.
.
.
[Sniffles.]
forever.
Now, Lil Magic, forget what that director said.
.
.
'cause tonight you got to get on the good foot, baby.
.
.
'cause there's a big talent agent sittin' right out there in the audience.
.
.
- and this is our big chance.
- Don't worry, Mama.
This time I'm gonna get discovered and I'm gonna make lots of money.
.
.
- and I'm gonna get our lights turned back on.
.
.
- Uh, Lil Magic.
- And I'm gonna buy some new lard to fry the chicken in.
.
.
- Uh, Lil Magic.
- And I'll pay to get the other half of your weave done.
.
.
- Oh, hush up! - Sorry, Mama.
- Oh, that's okay, baby.
Just follow Mama's cue, hear? I'm gonna be right in the front row.
- Okay, Mama.
- Stand up straight.
Move! I'm so glad you could make it, Mr.
Conrad.
Well, it's my job to find talent and I've heard your son has a lot of it.
Oh, that little Chicken McNugget couldn't act his way out a paper bag! Everybody know my Lil Magic is the one that got the real talent.
Start the show! [Whistling.]
The Fulton County Community Project proudly presents.
.
.
Please, Mama, Don't Eatthe Government Cheese.
What? Laid off again? Woman, don't start with me! But that's the sixth time this month! What are we supposed to eat? Come on, baby, now don't worry.
This is America.
.
.
land of milk and honey.
We can always eat that government cheese.
Oh, that's right! I forgot about that government cheese! What? Again? But this is the fifth time in a row.
Please, Mama.
Don't eat the government cheese.
- [Screams.]
- Hi! I'm the government cheese! - Who's that? - That's my Lil Magic, only the most "talentedest".
.
.
"brilliantedest," cheesiest little lady in the whole wide universe, that's who.
And Miss Smile Bright 1987! See! He came here to see my little boy.
Oh.
This is his big solo.
It might look like Velveeta But please, Mom.
.
.
And I am telling you [Both Singing.]
- Yeah! - You're the best man I'll ever know - Do it like I told you, baby! - [Lil Magic Singing.]
- [Ends.]
- Oh, you ain't leavin' yet.
She's just gettin' started.
Yo, Magic! Do your MichaelJackson, baby! Do your MichaelJackson! [Pop.]
All right now, baby.
Pick up the Frigidaire, honey.
Pick up the Frigidaire, baby.
There you go.
Now do your Moonwalk.
!Do your Moonwalk, Lil Magic.
There you go.
Do the somersault! Somersault, honey! The somersault! There you go! [Laughing.]
Now saw yourself in half.
Lil Magic, saw yourself in half.
You can't.
! No, no, no, baby.
!Baby, baby, you can't do that.
! - Now I ask, you ever seen something so wonderful? - [Gasping.]
I've never seen anything like that in my life! - Thank you, Mama.
- You were so wonderful.
I got somebody here want to meet you! - Mama, you think he liked me? - Oh, yeah.
- He was scared of you.
- Oh, I knew it! I knew it! Now I'm gonna get my own TV show called The Lil Magic of Bel Air.
- Uh, Lil Magic.
.
.
- Uh-huh.
And they're gonna fly me to Hollywood.
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.
on a big plane that says Lil Magic.
- Uh, Lil Magic.
.
.
- Then I'm gonna put my feet and hands in Grauman's Theater.
.
.
- Oh, hush up! - Sorry, Mama.
Oh, that's all right, baby.
Now go and catch him before he get in his car.
- Now watch out for the first hurdle! - [Singing.]
[Man Singing.]
[Man Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
All right, children.
I want everybody to settle down.
.
.
because with us today is Fire Marshall Bill.
And he's gonna be teaching us about safety in the classroom, okay? Fire Marshall Bill! - Howdy, kids! - Howdy, Fire Marshall Bill! I know what you're thinking.
We're all perfectly safe in this classroom, right? - Right! - Wrong! Just about everything you see in here is a potential hazard.
Let me show you something.
Lets just say you're changin' the water in this here fish tank.
.
.
and you accidentally fill it with gasoline, like so.
Later that night the janitor comes in.
.
.
there's a power outage, he lights himself a match and.
.
.
Boom! He's cooking fish sticks! Now here's another all-too-common danger in the classroom.
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the movie projector.
Sure looks like fun.
.
.
but it can be very, very deadly.
Now, let's just say you're the audio-visual helper for the day.
You go to plug this baby in and you just happen soaking your bunions in a bucket of water.
[Yelling.]
[Explosion.]
Oh, my gosh! I hope he's okay! Never better.
Now let's talk about C.
P.
R.
Drop and roll! Your hand's on fire! So it is.
Well, then, drop and roll is a good idea.
But suppose you got a handful of thumbtacks.
.
.
and you accidently roll over them like so? [Yelling.]
Now the fire is out, but you look like Hellraiser.
Say! You kids did a nifty job on this mural.
Shall we study its basic elements? You've got paper and you've got paint.
A deadly combination! Let me show you something.
Let's just say, for the sake of argument.
.
.
that the Earth is being occupied by strange crab-like creatures from another planet.
One of them needs a light.
You whip out your Zippo, you flick your wick.
Somebody says, " Look! It's Yoko Ono on a moped!" And boom! You're off to the races! - Now how do we put this out? - Uh, smother it with a blanket? You could do that, that's for sure.
Anybody else? Um, you could ask the crab-like people for assistance? Get real, big kid! How about you, missy? - Get a fire extinguisher! - Excellent, Miss Tompkins, but let's give the kids a chance.
No! The classroom is on fire! Kids, come on! So it is.
Everybody remain calm! I am a Fire Marshall! By the way, what's on the other side of this wall? [All.]
The chemistry lab! - Uh-oh! - [Explosion.]
[Sirens Blaring.]
It's okay, children.
All the kids have been accounted for.
- Our school, it's gone! - [Girl.]
Yeah.
When will they ever learn? Oh, well.
Who wants marshmallows? - Yeah! - We need sticks.
Sticks? [Laughing.]
Not when you're with Fire Marshall Bill you don't.
- Let me show you something.
- [Whistle Blows.]
Thanks for hanging out with us tonight.
We got.
.
.
We got a special treat for you.
Our guests come all the way from Atlanta, Georgia, on the Motown recording label.
Uh, in the '70s, there was theJacksons.
.
.
then came New Edition, then came The Boys.
So tell 'em who we got here tonight.
- Another Bad Creation.
- Another Bad Creation.
Yo, 1991.
A.
B.
C.
.
.
Another Bad Creation.
Kickin' it on In Living Color.
So stamp it, you suckers! This is for all you ladies.
[Singing.]
- Yeah! - Say yeah! - Yeah! - Somebody scream! [Continues.]
Come on! [Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]