Kevin Can Wait (2016) s02e18 Episode Script

1 Boom.
When ya have it, boys.
Man, he beat every one of us.
Actually, not everyone.
Oh, yeah? What's What's What's that supposed to mean? You haven't played me.
Ah, oh, it wouldn't be fair.
I'm from the homeland.
Competitive darts is, uh, oozing out of my pores.
Really? Um there's not a sport on this planet you can beat me at.
All right? And I'll tell you what.
How about 20 bucks, right now, we play high score, three darts? - Come on.
- Mr.
Gable, you can have your three darts.
I only need one.
[LAUGHING.]
Whoa! - It just got real.
- Dude, he just called you out.
Ah, now, now, now, gentlemen, it's just a friendly challenge.
I'll go first.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Side-arm.
- Whoa! - Oh-ho! [LAUGHTER.]
Oh! I believe that's what you fellas would call a "microphone drop.
" All right, all right, fine, whatever.
You got a bull's-eye, all right? 50 points.
I can beat that easy.
I get three darts.
Oh, I anxiously await that.
- Come on, guy.
Come on.
- Do it, Kev.
- Come on.
- I got this, man.
[SIGHS.]
All right, 'cause you idiots are in my peripheral vision.
- You got to step back.
- All right.
Does that even count, by the way? - It shouldn't even count.
- We moved.
Good luck.
Come on.
- All right.
- You just need a, what? A triple 20 and you win.
All right, stop, okay? Here we go.
There we go.
Ugh.
- Kid got in his head.
- Yep.
Well, t-that's 3.
You just need 47 more with one dart.
I-I know what I got to do, okay? - All right, come on.
Come on.
- I'm doing it! - Come on, try it side-arm.
- I'm doin' it side-arm! American-style! [SCREAMS.]
I am not your ordinary guy Dingdong.
Wendy's here.
Hey, how you doin'? Good.
Always good when I'm cooking.
How are you? Always good when I'm eating.
[LAUGHS.]
Means that we're both good.
What What are we lookin' at? Well, I'll give you a hint.
It rhymes with enchiladas.
- It's enchiladas.
- Okay.
I'm really bad at that.
Yeah, no, that's all right.
No prob Hey, if they're as good as the ones I had two weeks ago, I am gonna be very, very happy.
They're better.
Last time I used a ground chuck.
This time Kobe beef.
Wow.
I am gonna start calling you State Farm, 'cause you are a good neighbor.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Let me get in here and try this.
All right.
Ooh.
It's still warm.
So good.
- Mmm.
- [GIGGLES.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, man.
That's literally the best thing I've ever had! Great.
Well, you keep enjoying it.
Oh! Question.
What are we? Oh, I know this one.
I just saw this on the, uh, Discovery Channel.
We are like, it's like 98% water.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Right? I mean, it seems crazy.
Doesn't Doesn't seem to make sense, right? 'Cause we we'd be like all over the place and feel like, "Hey [MUMBLES.]
" No, I mean what are we? - Oh.
- Right.
Well, we're neighbors.
We're Mm-hmm.
- friends.
- Yeah.
- W-Wendy, we had this talk.
- [SIGHS.]
I mean, you love making the food and I-I love eating it.
I-I-I don't know.
Um We're happy.
I was happy, but now I want more.
You want the whole enchilada? [LAUGHS.]
I'm serious.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
We're always saying we're gonna do stuff, like see a movie.
But you always seem to have plans.
That is not true.
Come on.
Okay, fine.
Then let's see a movie Friday night.
This Friday, I do have plans.
- Ugh.
- I N-No, seriously.
It's a, uh It's a work thing.
Uh, we have a dinner for a small company awards.
You know, it's a local thing.
Okay.
Then I can't do this.
You mean, you, uh you can't do this? I mean everything.
If you can't make time for me, then I can't make time for your food.
I-I can make the time.
Great.
When? Uh I'm pretty busy now, but April my April opens right up.
Today.
A matinee movie, you and me.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Yay! - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Okay.
I'm gonna go get changed right now.
Okay.
This is gonna be so much fun! Hey, Kendra! Did you just, uh, make a date with Wendy? Yeah.
Come on, Dad.
You are unbelievable.
We've been through this.
Can't you see she's controlling you with food? Oh.
Listen, I get it.
You You don't want me to date.
What? No.
No, no, no, no.
I want you to date.
Just not her.
Look, it's just a movie, all right? It's not a big deal.
And, by the way, have have you tried this? Give that a shot.
You will understand what I'm saying.
- Holy crap.
- Yep.
That is literally the best thing I've ever had.
I literally I just said that.
I just, literally, just said that.
Dude, what are you still doing here? Go get your movie pants on.
All right, I'm going.
How great is this? Yeah, it's good.
It's good.
Mm.
Now, who's who's the lady in the sunglasses? You know, it's I don't know.
Really, it's kind of hard to concentrate.
My neck's sweating.
Because it looks like the girl from the beginning, but that girl wasn't wearing sunglasses.
- I'm con - Shh.
- fused.
- Well, why don't we just watch it and just see how things shake out, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's do that.
Okay.
I never noticed it before, but your ears are adorable.
They look like a cute little question mark.
Shh.
They just need a dot on the bottom.
Boop.
Okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
- [INHALES LOUDLY.]
- Okay.
Okay.
Ooh.
Ooh, I think we're about to find out the Who the killer might be here.
Don't worry.
It's not him.
It's the brother.
I read it online.
You went to the movies with her? Yes, it was a mess.
First of all, she wouldn't shut up the whole time, she was very clingy, and she had bad grandma perfume on.
Oh, no.
It was the worst date ever.
But this is incredible.
- Oh, my God.
Kevin.
- ROOTGER: Hey, guys.
Just a heads up, I got us some more toilet paper.
So, uh, we're good to go.
W-What are you doing? We got like 500 rolls back there.
I'm sorry.
I grew up very poor, and oftentimes, we couldn't afford toilet paper.
So I guess it's the child in me feeling secure knowing we have it.
Oh, Rootger, that's heartbreaking.
- Thank you for understanding.
- Of course.
Actually, that's a complete lie.
I love Amazon Prime.
I mean, you click a button, it's there in an hour.
I I can't stop.
Send it back, okay? If I only knew how.
All right, so, back to Wendy.
You are gonna march over there and you are gonna end this thing today.
- I don't think I can do that.
- And why is that? - Okay, do me a favor.
Try that.
- Okay.
- Try it.
- It's Forget it.
Okay.
Oh, my We have a problem.
Yep.
- Right? I'm stuck.
- No, you are not stuck.
No.
No.
Yesterday, it was a movie.
Tomorrow, it's gonna be, "How did she get you down the aisle?" We are ending this today.
A true nightmare that would be, right? Though, can you imagine the food at the reception? - It would be ridiculous! - Okay.
- It'd be the best food ever.
- No, stop.
Stop.
We're focusing.
We're gonna end this right now.
Actually, we're gonna do it right now.
Let's go.
Let's go.
- Oh, come on.
- Nope.
Let's go.
Will you Grab the enchiladas, though.
Grab 'em.
Yep.
WENDY: Well, this is a nice surprise.
I didn't think I was gonna be getting a visitor today.
Yeah, um, Wendy, I just think we probably need to talk.
Yeah, okay.
You want me to whip something up for lunch? Uh, no.
I'm not here for that.
Why? W-What're you thinking? Okay.
I was just gonna start making those, uh, Swedish meatballs you wanted.
The ones we've been talking about for the last month? Yeah, all the spices just arrived from Sweden, so those are in the works.
In the meantime, I do have some buttery-toasted black forest ham and cheese sliders.
[HOARSELY.]
Go get 'em.
- [SIGHS.]
Hey.
- Hey.
- Good to go? - Oh, yeah.
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
- Ah.
[EXHALES SLOWLY.]
I gotta tell you, I'm really proud of you.
You took care of business.
TCB.
You know what I'm talkin' about? Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
[EXHALES SLOWLY.]
But, um what took you so long? [MUMBLES.]
You ate? She made me ham and cheese sliders, - okay? - Oh, my God.
I was gonna save you one, but I ate it on the way to the car.
Did you even break up with her? No.
In fact, I invited her to the banquet on Friday.
You disgust me.
I'm so weak.
I mean, I-I can't believe you! You go in there to break up with Wendy, and what do you do? You get into even deeper trouble.
You want something done right you gotta do it yourself.
- Hold on! - [TIRES SQUEAL.]
[THUD.]
How'd it go? It's done.
You didn't hurt her, did you? No, I didn't hurt her.
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
- I just explained to her that I've known you for 23 years, and you are incapable of change.
- [SIGHS.]
- And no matter what she cooks, she is never gonna get you to commit to her.
She got it.
We're good.
Could you pull over? No.
No, I can't.
We are not going back.
No, I think I gotta throw up.
Oh, and by the way, the Islanders are playing the Rangers on Saturday.
Should we get some tickets? I'm in.
Uh, no can do for me.
I'm, uh I'm busy all day.
I got to go in for a sleep study.
What? Yeah, I got to spend the night in a clinic so they can find out if I have sleep apnea.
You don't want to mess with that.
That's a match you do not touch.
Hey, guy, you up for the Islanders? Kev? Wendy used to make, um She made the taco meat, a pile of it, with with the chopped onions and the and the And the peppers and and garlic.
Wait, wait.
Wouldn't that be all loose and falling apart? You'd think so.
But here's the kicker.
She wraps it in bacon, like a safety harness.
Ooh.
- You really gotta stop.
- I can't.
I thought you were getting through this.
I was, all right? For the first few days, I had leftovers.
I was able to wean myself off.
Like a nicotine patch with meat.
Very good, Mott, yes.
Ohh.
I miss her.
Am I nervous about it? Yeah.
I mean, they put those little sticky things on your chest.
That's never for good reasons.
Okay, you know, the thing is, you don't miss Wendy, you miss her food.
Okay? Now I will cook for you.
How about that? - What? - Yeah, that's right.
I can cook.
I will make you the best Swedish meatballs you ever had.
I'll come over tonight and do it.
I mean, and you you don't make 'em too big, right? - I don't make them too big.
- Because you gotta make 'em - the right size.
- I know what the - I don't need your notes.
- Okay.
- Y-You would do that for me? - I would do that for you.
Once again, folks, sleep apnea.
I teeter between life and death.
But let's keep talking about meatballs.
What's the sauce like? You know what? Actually smells really good in here.
You see? I told you.
Oh, and, by the way, I found a bunch of my grandmother's recipes, all these great things that I can make for you to help you kick the Wendy habit.
I like it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, ziti? Linguini with white clam sauce? Well, this this all looks amazing.
I know.
And you know what else is amazing? My Swedish meatballs.
- Ooh.
- Try one.
Hey, thank you for taking the time to do this.
I really do appreciate it.
You're welcome, honey.
I love to see you happy.
Okay.
It tastes like a cat peed on an old cheeseburger.
Oh, stop.
It does not.
Stop! Watch the food go round and round Waiting for this thing to beep - [MICROWAVE BEEPS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
What are you doing? Oh, hi.
I was singing the microwave song.
Didn't realize anyone was here.
That food.
That Wendy's? I don't know.
Don't lie to me.
I recognize the dish.
I put the chip in that handle, right there.
Fine.
It's Wendy's.
She's been cooking for me.
So, what's the big woof? The "big woof" is, she was cooking for me first.
And, by the way, don't you have a girlfriend? What about Floor? How's she feel about all that? Well, when it comes to food, we have an open relationship.
Actually, right now, she's having sushi with a Frenchman.
Pbht.
I don't care.
Don't you just have it all? I guess I have.
I'm #blessed.
You You know what? I'm I'm sorry.
It's all good.
You just enjoy it.
Do me a favor, though, please.
Treat her well, okay? She's good people.
I will, thanks.
Oh, and, by the way, I don't want you to find this out on the street.
I'm meeting her at the banquet dinner.
She's my plus one.
Oh.
Happy for you.
Well, you'll be there.
No, I won't be, okay? I'm not going.
It's too painful.
But you were my ride, so now I'm gonna have to figure something else out? Yeah.
Go with Wendy.
I already told you, she's meeting me there.
Well, then, call Vanessa.
She can't.
She's getting her nails done.
- Get an Uber! - I don't have the app.
- Download it! - I don't know how to.
Figure it out! Hey, bud.
Hey.
Hey, uh, listen, your dad went through a lot the last couple days.
Just got some crazy stuff going on.
And nothin' to be worried about.
I'm gonna be fine.
Um, I was thinking maybe tonight, uh, I don't know, you'd like to sit on the couch and watch a little TV with me? No, I'm good.
Hey.
How you holding up? Okay, I guess.
I just [SIGHS.]
Well, I was thinking about it, Dad, and you know what? I'm I'm really glad that you're not going to the banquet.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, you don't need that.
First, she was cooking for you, and then she was cooking for Rootger? I mean, that's just weird.
She doesn't deserve you.
Look, I know it's tough, but you gotta stay strong, okay? Let's just kick back, watch a movie, and have a eat night.
Love that.
Yeah, we're not even gonna think about Wendy.
- About who? - Exactly.
[CHUCKLES.]
Mm.
You know how I know you made the right decision? These Swedish meatballs Wendy made? Swing and a miss.
No, those are Vanessa's.
I heard Wendy's were off the charts.
Run to her.
I'm comin', baby! We get one night out a month, and we gotta go to a work thing? Look around.
It's fancy.
It's ballroom at a Massapequa motor lodge.
Still, very tastefully done.
Hey, man, the only reason I didn't bring Didi is 'cause we said we weren't bringing wives.
I appreciate that, dawg.
And look at these stale supermarket rolls.
Oh, don't worry.
I brought my own.
Of course, she did.
These are amazing.
Rustic sourdough.
- Thank you! - Mm-hmm.
Who are you? Oh, I'm Wendy.
Heads up.
She's the reason why Kevin's not here.
She's the Yoko of Monkey Fist.
Ahh.
KEVIN: Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- [THUD.]
- What? - Wendy.
- What are you doing here? I just need to talk to you for a second, okay? Now hear me out, please.
- It's too late.
- It's never too late.
Kevin, I am literally begging you to stop.
No, I gotta I gotta do this.
Now you answer me this.
Can he do what I do? Does Rootger eat your food the way that I eat it? It's different.
Let me ask you this.
When he returns a-a casserole pan, is it empty, or is there a little food left in it? Maybe a little, I don't know.
Well, I do.
I got 50 pounds on him! He, or nobody else you, either Will eat the way I eat! Now, you look me in the eye If you tell me you're happy, I promise you, I'll I'll walk out that door and you'll never see me again.
I'm happy.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay.
There it is.
Sorry.
I'm happy cooking for you.
Swedish meatballs? Swedish meatballs.
Let's go! And then after, we can see a movie? - Not even close! - Okay! Man.
This is literally the best roll I ever had in my life.
I'm glad we put the Wendy thing behind us.
Yeah.
And we both agree not to eat her food, right? - Hear, hear.
- All right.
[CHUCKLES.]
See, now, this is what I'm talking about.
Two guys seeing a movie, no one bugging us.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Mm.
- Oh, here we go.
- All right.
Now, who's the guy with the beard? - He was in something else.
- Shh.
Keep it down, man.
I don't know.
We'll find out.
Ooh! I had a car like that, but it had bigger rims than that one.
- Okay, Rootger.
- Really nice light blue.
Rootger, no one gives a crap.
Shh.
We got to watch.
Come on, man.
I never noticed this before, but, uh, your ear looks like a question mark.
- You know, it's like - What? - All it needs is a little bit of a - Shh! Y-You touch me, I swear, I will try to beat the crap out of you.