Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman s02e18 Episode Script

- Cutting it close.
- I still got eight minutes.
- What'd I get him? - Checked suspenders.
Remember the card? - Oh, no.
- Who's your buddy, huh? Who's your pal? I am, right? You should photocopy with the lid down.
How many fingers am I holding up? - Good morning, Lois.
- You're late.
"Good morning, Clark.
" So, what'd you get him? Checked suspenders.
Didn't you get those last year? Yeah.
He liked them, didn't he? Hello.
Excuse me.
I'm H.
G.
Wells.
It's quite festive here, you know.
Well, anyway, I've run into a spot of trouble.
See, I've been traveling with a companion in my time machine and we've just come back from the future.
I've left him in the park, actually.
If this is a gag, you're dead.
- We stopped here because - I'm sorry, sir.
We're really busy this morning, so we're gonna have to wrap this up.
See, time travel, it's not possible.
H.
G.
Wells wrote fiction and he died in 1946.
I know you're Superman and I need your help.
What? What'd he say? I said if I could just have a moment of Mr.
Kent's time all his doubts will be quelled.
Perhaps by meeting my companion from the future? - Yes.
- Yes, quite.
Look, Lois, there's no reason for both of us to go.
There's no reason for one of us to go.
- Well, so - So, what did he really say to you, Clark? And if you really have a man from the future with you why did you leave him in the park? I didn't want him to see the city.
You see, the 22nd century is a peaceful, harmonious utopia.
No violence, no crime.
Without preparation, poor Tempus would be horrified by the savagery of the 1990s.
Oh, yes.
Yes, yes.
Quite.
Hey, I got something for you.
Give me your money, man.
Hand it over.
Come on.
Come on.
Help! What just happened here is called a mugging? No kidding.
Took everything but my watch.
Not a very successful mugging, was it? Let's see if I can do better.
Excellent! I just mugged you.
Are you out of your mind? No, my century.
And I love it.
So why did you bring this Tempus with you back from the future? Well, he volunteered, actually.
You see, I have sort of a club of fellow inventors back in England and I've never been quite able to convince them that my time machine was functional.
So I wanted to bring Tempus back as proof.
What's this? Tea, coffee I say we cut our losses.
Good idea.
Why don't you go back to the office.
How does it work here, steam power? That's quite good, you know.
What's this? - Watch it.
- Oh, so sorry.
- You actually believe this guy? - No, I'm just - What? - Curious.
So am I.
How did he get your interest all of a sudden? - What did he say? - Miss Lane, you might find this interesting.
Utopia was founded by Superman's descendants.
Superman's descendants.
- He got married? - Oh, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Quite.
Here, shall we? And they base their whole society on the values and principles that he lived by.
- So who did he marry? - Oh, no, no, no, Miss Lane.
That might be giving a bit too much away.
Shall we? There she is.
So where's your man from the future? Oh, no.
Well, he must've wanted to look around.
I hope he didn't go far.
I smell a con job.
Let me show you my My problem, so perhaps you can get word to Superman.
Now, to fully understand my predicament he must first appreciate the intricacy of the flux facilitator.
Here, now Quite proud of it, you know.
Oh, yes.
Here we go.
You got your shotguns, your long guns.
- Your semiautomatics.
- Semiautomatics.
My personal choice for self-protection.
I keep one here, right under the cash box.
Gives the scum a real surprise, they try to rip me off.
A 9 mm with a 32-shot stagger clip.
Spits out these puppies as fast as you can squeeze the trigger.
Makes you someone to respect.
How do you load it? Thank you, ma'am.
Tell me something.
Those chains you're wearing, are they real gold? Twenty-four karat.
- May I? - Oh, be my guest.
Hey, what? The chains, give them to me.
I don't believe this.
And the ammunition belt, holster.
Extra clips, of course.
Excellent.
You are, you know, incredibly stupid.
- Bless you.
- No! Yes, yes, yes.
That's good.
Wonderful.
The inter-time continuum.
Lois, I'm gonna call Jimmy and tell him we're gonna be a little bit longer.
Clark.
He always does that.
Well, don't worry, my dear.
Someday you'll understand why.
- Are you all right? - Does it look like I am? Sorry.
Who did this? Some psycho, about 6'3", wearing an aluminum suit some heavy guns and a selection of very tasteful gold chains for men.
I'll send the police.
At which point, you're in danger of a time-flow ripple.
Mr.
Wells, what is it you're after, exactly? Oh, quite, quite.
Didn't I say? Fuel.
- What kind of fuel? - Pure 24-karat gold.
You've gotta be kidding.
That's the best you could do? - Miss Lane.
- So did you expect that we would give you all our jewelry? Or maybe get Superman to dig you a mine.
Do I have "sucker" stamped on my forehead? Or maybe you think I'm the dumbest person on the planet.
Or I'm really H.
G.
Wells.
He is.
- Tempus.
- Hello, Herb.
What are you doing with that awful weapon? I'm going on a trip, and you're driving.
- Don't I know you? - I don't think so.
Most of my friends are pro-gun control.
No, wait.
Lois Lane.
Yes.
I've seen the holograms.
Well, this is a special pleasure, Miss Lane.
I'm Tempus.
I'm from the future that you and Superman created.
- Me and Superman? - A world of peace.
A world with no greed or crime.
A world so boring you'd blow your brains out, but there are no guns.
You wanna know the future, Miss Lane? No one works.
No one argues.
There are 9000 channels, and nothing on! Well, I intend to do something about that.
Herb, set the time machine for Smallville, 1966.
- Smallville? - No.
We have no fuel.
We have fuel.
One of the many disadvantages of being from Utopia is a complete lack of technological understanding.
I can't run this machine.
But I can run this one.
Now, go.
Miss Lane, you seem like an attractive and interesting woman.
I'm almost sorry I'll be ruining your life.
- What are you talking about? - I'm going to kill Superman, of course.
Nobody can kill Superman.
Unless you could get hold of him when he was a helpless baby.
Gee, if only I had a time machine.
You ready, Herb? You see, Miss Lane in a world with no Superman, there'll be no Utopia in the future.
Just a lot of sex and violence and me.
I think somebody's gone back in time to kill you as a baby.
These must be the plans of the time machine.
Think you can build it? It could take a few hours.
Now all we need is gold.
Unfortunately, we can't afford to buy all we need at current market prices so I'll be right back.
- Lois.
- Clark.
That really was H.
G.
Wells.
- I know.
- He really had a man with him from the future.
Superman just - I know.
He gave me this.
He told me.
Well, where is he? He There's a volcano about to erupt in China.
- He wants us to stop Tempus.
- Us? He said time is of the essence.
Jump in.
I hope this thing works.
Don't you think it's odd that we're going to Smallville? That's your hometown.
That's right, come on.
Smallville, 1966? I don't think so.
- Unless that's Bob Dylan.
- There ain't no handle.
It isn't my fault you used an inferior grade of gold.
Obviously affected the time-flux facilitator.
However, we are in Smallville.
But a hundred years early and out of fuel.
I'd almost think you did it on purpose, Herb, if I thought you had a spine.
- Well, let's go.
- Where? See if they got any gold in this here town.
You look quite funny in that hat.
- It's Smallville.
- Yeah, but the cars And the clothes Clark.
Look at this.
It worked.
We're here.
We're really here.
Do you realize what this means? We could go anywhere.
We could be there when Columbus landed, or when Washington crossed the Delaware.
We could cover the greatest stories in history.
- Morning, Sam.
- Hi.
Wonder what those two want.
They sure didn't ride all this way just for the pretzels.
Marshal Kent been in yet? Well, well.
I guess this is where we belly up to the bar and order.
Yes, quite.
Hello.
Morning.
Herb? Yes, I would like a spot of tea, actually.
This is the Red Eye, mister.
We serve whiskey, we serve beer.
- Oh, yes, quite.
- Another bottle.
That's snakebite rye.
Dollar per.
Keep it in the back.
I'll just be a sec.
Herb.
How many of these would it take to get out of here? I don't know, 2, 300.
Where can I get more of these? Well, I got that one down at the bank.
A whole shipment just come in.
- Go ahead and take it.
- Really? Of course, you got about five seconds to spend it.
Wait.
I know you.
Well, you're not Yes.
Jesse James.
You better back that face right on up, mister.
I'm right, aren't I? That's your brother Frank.
Well, you two are my inspiration.
I've read everything about you.
You must be here to rob the bank.
I don't recall you ever robbing a bank in Smallville.
Are you as good with a gun as they say you are? - Wasn't that something? - It really was.
That was quite good.
Well, you're good.
You're really good.
You got a future.
Not a very long one, unfortunately, and here's why: See, no matter how good you are, there's always somebody better.
To wit: Now, much as I like you both if you and your brother Frank have any ideas about that bank full of gold get in line.
You boys have something personal against this place? Clark, wait.
Look.
"Frontier Days Great Smallville Gold Robbery"? It must be an reenactment.
They're just dressed like Tempus and Wells.
Yeah, but there wasn't any Great Smallville Gold Robbery.
- Unless - Something went wrong - And they went to 1866.
- And they needed gold.
I still don't understand why we're in Smallville.
I think there was an early Superman sighting here.
Really? I never heard that.
Thanks, Mr.
Makita.
Could you get those tools on the way out, please? Of course, Miss Martha.
Maybe I should've just put everybody away instead of making them pay for damages.
If you arrested everybody who shot up my place, I'd be out of business in two weeks.
Jesse, it happens to every man once in a while.
Not to me.
Look, it's not your fault.
His was just plain bigger.
Size never made no difference before.
You gotta get your mind off this, Jesse, or it could affect your future performance.
Well, now.
Here's a little something ought to perk a man's spirit right up.
Yeah.
Appreciate it.
Anything diet? Do you have real cola yet? Just give me a sarsaparilla.
If you're looking for work, that's not the kind of saloon I run.
- Clark, she looks just like your - I know.
I don't believe it.
- Clark, I think we're talking to your great - My great-great-grandparents.
- Now, wait a minute - You're Miss Martha.
And Marshal Kent.
How many more weirdoes are we gonna get in here today? Weirdoes? There were other strange people in here today? The ones who did that.
Well, they've been here.
- So they're friends of yours? - No, not exactly.
- Do you know where they are? - Gone.
Which is exactly where we'd like you and the naked lady.
Naked? I'm not naked.
These are just new fashions from France.
Do you have any idea where they are? I think they had some banking business to do.
Jesse, you're sounding bitter.
We gotta do something about this.
Keep those hands high and give me the gold.
I think I know where they are.
Bye.
Brother, you're right.
It's time to get back in the saddle.
Folks, this here is a holdup.
- Lois, what are you? Go back inside.
- I will not.
- Tempus? Is that really necessary? - Shut up, Herb, you're boring me.
- Come on, let's go.
- Wait Oh, no.
Those are your ancestors.
If something happens to them - Stay here.
I'll be right back.
- But Tempus Marshal, they hit you.
- Thank you.
The marshal's been hit.
- My pleasure, ma'am.
- Is there a doctor in town? - He went back East.
The closest doctor is Kansas City.
That's four days' ride.
Call the deputy, have him arrest these two men.
- What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna take him to Kansas City.
Herb, will you work faster with a few bullets in you? Really, Tempus.
One could become quite tired of your jokes.
Trust me, I'm not joking.
Hurry.
Miss Lane.
What are you doing here? Well, I grabbed on to the back of this machine before it, you know Yes, yes, yes.
Quite.
If she did, she would've been caught in the The interdimensional vortex.
- Yes.
- And you came alone? Yes.
Well.
Lois Lane, independent career woman of the 1990s you're about to be stranded in 1866.
Without the right to vote, own property or write for a great metropolitan newspaper.
God, I love irony.
So sorry, Miss Lane.
L I wish I'd never invented this contraption.
- Keep loading the gold.
- Lf you wanna kill Superman I don't know why you're going to Smallville, or why 1966? She doesn't know yet.
Oh, this is good.
This is really good.
Lois, did you know that in the future you're revered at the same level as Superman? Why, there are books about you, statues, an interactive game.
You're even a breakfast cereal.
- Really? - Yes.
But as much as everybody loves you there is one question that keeps coming up: "How dumb was she?" Here, I'll show you what I mean.
Look.
I'm Clark Kent.
No, I'm Superman.
Mild-mannered reporter.
Superhero.
Hello? Clark Kent is Superman.
Well, that was worth the whole trip.
To actually meet the most galactically stupid woman who ever lived.
Come on, Herb.
Clark and Superman are dead.
The future belongs to me.
Lois? Lois, you're all right.
I thought that And don't pretend that hurt Superman.
It all started because I wanted to lead a normal life.
Friends, a job.
A girl.
Lois, I knew that I couldn't do that if everybody knew.
People would be mobbing me all the time.
Lois, come on.
You haven't said a word since 1866.
You are the lowest form of life imaginable.
Not what I was hoping for, but I guess it's a start.
You're a liar.
There's nothing worse.
Lois, I did not lie to you.
I just told you certain facts to keep you from finding out about certain other facts.
You know, you ought to run for president.
Oh, but you can't, you weren't born here.
Then again, you could just lie.
Look at you right now, renting a car.
That's a big fat lie.
What do you need a car for? You're Superman.
Lois, I think we should keep as low a profile as we can.
Anything that we change in our past can really affect our future.
You always have an answer for everything.
You're good, Clark.
You're really good.
No.
Actually, I'm not.
Lois, I have hated not being able to tell you this.
You think it was easy for me, sitting there watch you swoon over Superman, at the same time ignoring me? - That's ridiculous.
You are Superman.
- No.
Lois, Superman is what I can do.
Clark is who I am.
And the closer we've gotten, the more I wanted to explain this to you but it just kept getting so complicated.
You've obviously had more time to think about this than I have so why don't you answer one question for me: How can I ever trust you again? Glasses, secret identity.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just like the history book says.
Yes.
Right down to the remnants of the exploding planet sucked along the path of the ship here.
Otherwise known as kryptonite.
Open it.
Oh, my.
Hello, junior.
It was partly for your protection.
- Don't patronize me.
- I'm not patronizing you.
If you knew and somebody found out that you knew, you'd have been a target.
What do you think I am, galactically stupid? You are the smartest woman that I know.
And I never wanted to hurt you in any way.
Now, if what I did was wrong, then I apologize.
But I can't change what I've done.
Wait a minute.
We're here.
- Where? - This is Shuster's Field.
Where the ship landed.
Come on.
I think we're early.
Mom and Dad used to say that it was night when they were driving along and they saw what they thought looked like a meteor.
Here.
What? Nothing.
Just all those times you pretended you couldn't hit, couldn't jump couldn't open a peanut butter jar by yourself.
Lois, do the words "let it go" mean anything to? What? I don't know.
I feel kind of weak, like there's kryptonite around.
But that means the ship would already have landed Clark, look.
- It can't be.
- Tempus.
- Where are we? - Well, if I remember my Kent history from college, this should be Rocky Cove.
A nice, safe place to spend some quality time with our child.
Just put him right there.
Here, little one.
Just rest.
You know, I won't let you hurt him.
I will fight you with my last breath.
- Really? - I swear it.
Oh, dear.
Sorry.
Can't have you swearing in front of the baby.
What are we gonna say? You'll think of something.
You're good at that.
Yeah, right.
"Hi.
Did you find a baby in a spaceship?" Hello.
Are you all right? Yeah.
He's just really tired.
We've been doing a lot of traveling.
Oh, well, I know just what'll fix you up.
Nothing like buttermilk for what ails you.
That's what my husband Jonathan always said.
What am I being accused of saying? I'm really sorry.
It's just, you both look so young.
Oh, it's all right.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, but I know how clean you like to keep things.
What he means is that it's obvious that you keep your house as neat as a pin.
Excuse me, folks.
Martha.
Did you hear anything about Shuster selling his field? - No.
That's odd.
I just saw a couple weird-looking city fellas up at his place.
Now, Jonathan.
Let's don't talk business.
We have company.
Come on.
This is my husband, Jonathan.
Now, what brings you two folks out this way? Well We were Looking for something.
Like what? You didn't happen to find a baby, did you? Now, Martha.
- It's just, I'm not able to have children.
- We can't.
But I know that if I were to find a baby I would be the most grateful woman in the world.
And the world's best mom.
Thank you.
How about some more buttermilk? You've been very kind, but we're on sort of a tight schedule, aren't we? Yeah.
Da? Sir, I'm sorry.
You were saying something about Shuster's Field? - Oh, you don't have to be polite.
- Oh, he's not.
I mean, he is.
Did you see some people there? Yeah, two city fellas.
I thought they were buyers.
Weird-looking.
- Do you know where they were headed? - Up to Rocky Cove.
On foot.
We'd better go.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I hope you find who you're looking for.
You too.
I don't know how I know this, but I don't think his color's quite right.
- He's getting sick.
- Don't worry.
I'll take good care of him.
Are you okay? - Just tired.
- I've never seen you look so pale.
- Even from kryptonite.
- I'll be fine.
I just need to rest a little bit.
Look, I'm sorry I was so hard on you before about, you know Must've been really hard all those years having to hide and pretend, without being able to share.
I'm sorry you had to go through that alone.
I wasn't alone, Lois.
I always had my parents.
And you.
Maybe there were a lot of things that I couldn't say but there was nothing I couldn't feel.
I just gotta wake up here.
You know, we're miles from the kryptonite, you shouldn't be feeling this Clark, your hands.
It's Tempus.
He must be changing the past.
Don't do this, Tempus.
What, Herb? I'm not doing a thing.
Does baby like his shiny new kryptonite? Well, you just play with it all you want.
Over there.
What's happening to you? In a minute, I won't even exist.
You're gonna have to go without me.
Hush little baby, new to the Earth Play with your rock And make pointless your birth The world will spin on Sans super decree And the future belongs to People like me Won't be long now.
You really think you can destroy Utopia by killing a child.
Well, as you can see, Herb, I'm giving it my best.
Well, you're a fool.
A world of peace will always be man's ultimate goal.
Herb, did your books actually sell? Because you're kind of a bore.
Which brings me to my next question: What am I gonna do with you, huh? I could just leave you here to starve, but no you might get away, build another time machine.
Obviously I've gotta kill you, but how? Something suitable.
Something ironic, like what I did to Lois.
That was good.
I know, a Utopian execution.
I'll bore you to death.
How did you get here? Another time machine.
Where is it? You will tell me.
You like violence so much, come on, let's see what you've got.
Hate to tell you, but you hit like a girl.
Stay with the baby.
The baby is the issue.
I'm not very I'm not very good with Oh, you will be, you will be, Miss Lane.
Just hold his head, yes, and keep him close.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Showoff.
- Clark, are you all right? - I'm fine.
- I was so afraid that you - It's all right.
Everything's all right.
- I couldn't stand the idea that I might lose you and I'd never get to tell you how much I'd never get to say Oh, please.
I'll go to jail, I'll strap myself into the electric chair just don't make me listen to this.
It's almost night.
I've gotta go.
I've always wanted to do this in front of you.
He looks like you.
I hope so.
Time to go, pal.
Now I just need to show Mom and Dad where to find us.
Sit tight, little fella, and they'll be here to get you.
Or, us.
- What was that? - Looked like a meteor.
Over in Shuster's Field.
My Lord.
Oh, Jonathan.
Hi.
Who's the sweetest baby in the world? There we go.
Hello, hello.
What's the matter, my dear? You've been to the future, Mr.
Wells.
Is it true what Tempus said about me? Oh, yes.
You're as highly revered as any woman in history.
No, I meant about being galactically stupid.
No.
No, no, Miss Lane, not stupid.
Blind.
It is one of the many things that makes your story so timeless.
Why children never tire of hearing it at bedtime why parents never outgrow it.
Generation after generation.
We are all blinded by love, Miss Lane.
Especially that one great love that changes us forever.
Oh, excuse me, but I'm in danger of choking on my own vomit.
Everything's all right.
The Kents have the baby.
Oh, good, good, good.
Then we can start to make things right.
Superman, you and Lois meet me at the second time machine.
Where are you going? To see to it Mr.
Tempus causes no more trouble.
Superman, as long as I have you here, just answer one thing for me.
Why tights? Why a cape? You're a grown man.
Don't you feel ridiculous? My mother made it for me.
Well, Clark You got a little schmutz here on your S.
Is this gonna feel as weird to you as it does to me knowing that you're Superman from now on? Oh, I'm afraid that can't be, Miss Lane.
Not just yet, anyway.
We've tampered with history enough.
- It's a little bit late.
- No, no.
Not at all.
I'll simply drop each of you back before I ever showed up.
That way you'll both remember nothing, and none of this will have ever happened.
Is that what you did with Tempus? No.
Mr.
Tempus was such a lover of irony, I decided to give him a lifetime of it.
- How so? - By granting him his wish: To live in a violent, hellish dystopia.
Miss Lane.
Take this, you loony! You stupid, hayseed, corn-sucking cow lovers! I don't belong here! I'm from the future! I have to get out of here so I can build another time machine! Hey! Anybody listening to me? Hey! You're cutting it close.
I still got eight minutes.
What'd I get him? - And don't tell me checked suspenders.
- How'd you know? - I can't see.
- I saw it happen.
You shouldn't photocopy with the lid up.
How many fingers am I holding up? - Morning, Lois.
- You're late.
"Morning, Clark.
" I'm having the weirdest feeling of déjà vu.
Don't tell me.
You got him checked suspenders again.
- How'd you know? - You got him that last year, didn't you? No, Clark, I'm serious.
Well, now that you mention it, it does feel like we've done all this before.
Oh, no.
I forgot to get the card.
Jimmy? Oh, here it is.
How'd that get there? - Clark! - You were holding it for me.
- It's my card, remember? - No, I don't.
Come to think of it, I don't even like cards.
It just slows down that whole getting-to-the-present thing, you know? What? I was just thinking - Here he comes, you guys.
Come on.
- Come on.
- Hey, everyone.
- Surprise! - Happy birthday, Perry.
- Happy birthday, Perry! How old are you now?