New Girl s02e18 Episode Script

This month marks Nick and my ten year anniversary of living together.
Our "tin" anniversary.
Ten years? You guys are like - Bert and Ernie.
- I got dibs on Bert.
- Dibs on Ernie.
- Nice.
- Cool, man.
All right.
- Yeah, man.
Now, obviously, we're going to have an anniversary party.
You guys are invited.
I'm not sure if I'm coming to that, man.
Remember the "wood" anniversary? Ah! You cut me! Well, happy anniversary! I gotta get a tourniquet.
Hold some more wood for me.
Yeah! Well, it wasn't as bad as paper.
Happy anniversary! Paper! Party time, man.
Did you know that the chemical symbol for tin is SN? - Schmidt and Nick.
- What? Is no one else's mind blown by this? That's it, our theme is TinFinity.
TinFinity.
That's actually really good, Schmidt.
- Yeah, it is.
- I really don't think two men who live together for ten years need a party.
Why must you always be like this? Because you never let me participate in the planning.
I would love for you to participate.
Gah! That was a trick.
I was trying to get out of it.
Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess.
They're celebrating ten years of living together? Why are we friends with these guys, Jess? - I - What happened? It's so weird to think that Nick is the last person I kissed.
Actually, Schmidt's - the last person I kissed.
- Okay, what? It was nothing.
Nick was watching.
What is happening in this loft? Ooh, girls chatting.
Hey, Nick.
I wish I knew what was going on inside Nick's head.
He's this, like, grumpy mystery.
Jess, are these open for anybody? - Yep.
- Right on, thank you.
He can't communicate a feeling to save his life.
But why can't I stop thinking about his mouth on my mouth? Hey, Jess, do I have frosting on my lips? Look at my mouth-- do I have frosting on it? Wh-Why are you asking me this? My mouth feels moist and weird.
Do I have anything on it? Get out of here! Ugh! Aw Okay, you know what? You need what I needed.
You need a new guy, all right? Dating Shivrang helped me get past all the weird stuff with Schmidt.
I need the Anti-Nick.
- Yeah.
- I need a real man, who can express his feelings, and I need a different mouth on my mouth.
To erase that mouth.
No, you actually don't need to wash raw denim.
Haven't washed my pants in 18 months.
Also, I'm bisexual.
Microchips be gettin' small.
They be, like, blueberry size.
So you could put 'em in your cereal, girl.
I don't get your thing.
It's prescription.
Damn it.
What happened to the guys in this bar? They open up a bus station next door? Where are the real men? I can't talk right now.
I'm writing a strongly-worded e-mail to my florist.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, look at the door, don't look at the door, look right now, don't look, one at a time, look, but don't look.
Guys, one at a time.
Don't look now.
Look.
No, you're both looking.
- I don't know what to do.
- I'm confused.
Look right now at the door.
Go.
Oh that is a strapping young man.
That is Jax McTavish.
He plays safety for San Francisco.
Why's he with Winston? Winston looks so cool.
- What up, guys? - Oh, "What's up, guys.
" You're just gonna walk over and say, "What's up, guys?" Winston, does he think you're Omar Epps? You guys talking about Jax? Look, I interviewed him at the radio station, and we just hit it off.
It's not a big deal, you know, unless you think hanging out with a pro baller is a big deal.
His hands are so big and warm.
I want to fall asleep in them, like Thumbelina.
How about, uh, introducing me? Yeah, okay.
You and Jax? Yeah.
Jess and Jax McTavish.
Great bit, Jess.
What a dumb idea.
- Do it.
- No.
- You can't handle that kind of thunder.
- Hell, no.
Jax and I are just becoming friends.
- I'm going over there.
- Jess, no, Jess.
Guys Hey, Jess, let me show you something.
Hmm? It's right here.
Hi, I'm Jess.
I'm Winston's roommate.
How you doing? - I'm Jax.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
Jess, stop it, stop it.
- Cool, so I hear you play for San Francisco.
- I do.
I can't believe you didn't go to the Pro Bowl.
Here's my question: What's a "point-eight" tackle? Did you know I'm a teacher? What would you teach me? Nick the theme is "masculine garden party.
" Look at that-- I made a graph.
I thought you said I was gonna help you plan it.
Nick, we both know that you're not very good with party chores.
You sent out the invitations, right? Me?! I sent them out? Okay, I'm older now.
I am wiser.
I want to help plan my own party.
Okay, fine, I will give you balloons Oh, sweet, balloons are and Porta Potties.
Porta Potties?! That sounds like a job for babies.
Does that look like a job for babies? Oh, so this is a big job? - I thought you were being disrespectful.
- No! - Oh.
- Where do you think people are gonna go to the bathroom? I never thought of that.
And you are now in charge of that, and if you dig a hole in a- in, in a dirt field, I'm gonna kill you.
I don't want the responsibility.
You can do this, man.
What, what are your chores? - Well, Porta Potties.
- Porta Potties.
What's-- now, what is the first chore that I gave you? I have absolutely no memory.
Balloons! I'm having an anxiety attack.
Yes, Ma, yes, now, look, I-have to go.
It's two men celebrating living together for ten years.
Uh, no, they're not.
No, I can tell you for a fact that they're not.
Okay, okay, I'm hanging up.
So, good news.
Um, my mom spoke to your mom last night, and they've given us their blessings.
So that means Well, now that the moms approve, when do you want to do this thing? Is that a that a proposal? Oh, are, are you upset? I'm sorry, I It's just, with arranged marriage, there isn't a lot of romance.
No, no, no, I'm s-- I'm sorry, actually.
I think I'm just a little taken aback by how quick this all has been.
I barely know you, and I used to just think that if I was being proposed to, I would notice it was happening.
But we're doing this thing? Maybe you could just stop saying "doing this thing.
" Yup.
Really did it.
Beautiful job, thank you so much, what a This is amazing-- everything's tin, you guys, everything.
Hey, man.
Rented out the whole park, so take your soccer someplace else.
Give us our ball back, you douche.
Hey, yeah, sure, no, I'll give you your ball back.
Great.
Pure tin, pure tin.
Take your football back to Europe.
- Really? - Who's the douche now, you douche "B"? I couldn't stop you from inviting Jax to the party, but I can stop it from going any further.
I will not lose Jax as a friend, okay? I might not have any game, but, oh, my goodness, can I take game away.
I'm getting that mouth on my mouth, and don't you try to stop me, you Look, clearly I have the upper hand when it comes to Jax.
- Do you? - Oh, I do, because I know all about sports.
Jess, you know nothing about sports.
Oh, what am I going to do? I guess I'll just have to use my eyes, hair, boobs, legs, and adorable personality.
Fool.
I got, like, three of those things.
These are amazing.
You also got tablecloths? I feel so fancy.
How much did you spend on this, Schmidt? Ah, Nicholas, I have what's called an income, you know.
Well, you're not the only one who spent a little bit of money on this.
- Okay.
- Check this out, Schmidt, you're gonna freak out.
Hey, I'm presenting, I'm presenting it.
And that ain't no rental.
Get up here.
This is owned and operated by Mr.
Nick Miller.
Little help from Sid.
You bought a Porta Potti? This one has warm and cold water, real soap dispensers, a fan.
Too much.
What's that? That's garbage.
Garbage-- that's what the nursing home said about my mattress.
I'll take it.
For 60 bucks, and they threw in something called "septic enzymes," which I don't know what that is, but you're not supposed to get it in your eyes, for sure.
I'm a small business owner.
Why on earth would you buy a? You know what? Forget about it, I'm proud of you.
- Thank you, man.
- I gave you a chore and you came through.
Yeah, now, look, now we have two.
- What do you mean we have two-- two of what? - Two bathrooms.
Yours and El Baño Presidente.
That's a Porta Potti? Yeah, luxury toilet.
I thought that was the visitor's center.
- Well - That's enormous.
Why did you get that, Schmidt? What, did you think I was gonna screw up? No, come on, man, no.
You know how our relationship works.
I'm over-responsible, you're under-responsible.
Here's the good news-- now people have a backup to use No, I want everyone to use this, I want it to be the main potty.
Oh, n-no, I don't think that should be the main anything.
I think people would be better off if they just made a caca in their hand.
I don't think so; Mine's better than that.
- I'm sure you killed it on balloons.
- Well if you let me explain - what happened with the balloons - Who needs balloons? I didn't want balloons anyway.
This isn't a little girl's birthday party.
This is a celebration of friendship.
- Then, as a friend - Yeah.
I want you to get rid of that.
- I want everybody using mine.
- You spit on the - You brought a dirt dungeon to our TinFinity.
- All right, well, we'll see.
I'm proud of you; You did good.
I'm proud of you.
You bought a spaceship.
Hey, man, you watch Homeland? No? I'm in the first season, second episode.
Don't spoil anything.
Hey, flag on the play.
Too many men on the field.
Winston, get out.
Jax, over here on the bench with me.
- Come on, let me show you some stuff.
- Okay.
Go, go, Jess, go.
Oh, boy.
You want me? Come and get me.
I'm gonna get you you can't get by me.
You're down.
Why would you do that? Winston, we're on the same team.
What are you doing? You did it! Touchdown! Man.
N-N-No! Why? What's going on, Sid? Did you tell 'em that ours works? Hey, guys, this is available, no line.
That Porta Potti - looks weird, Nick.
- What? It looks a little, looks a little weird.
You look a little weird, Sanders.
Why don't you wipe your butt with a little strawberry crepe, you little whiner? I don't really do well with bathroom pressure.
- Robby, don't dog me like this.
- I'm gonna give you your space.
No, 'cause they're all following you, Robby, they're all Get in there.
I don't have to go anymore.
- Really? - Yeah.
So that's not full of pee? - No.
- I saw you drinking those sodas.
- No, no, no, it's good.
- How about now? Stop, stop, you're gonna make me I don't have to go, I don't have to go.
Get in there, dude, or get out of this party.
Wrong choice.
Nick, what are you doing? I bought a Porta Potti, Jess.
- What, why? - Yeah.
- I'm a small business owner - You own - a Porta Potti? - Yeah, but nobody's using it.
This is not about a Porta Potti.
It is about a Porta Potti.
I don't want to talk about this.
You know, it's been really nice hanging out with Jax because he likes to talk about his feelings.
Give me a break, Jess.
Is that really what you want-- a man who talks about his feelings all the time? No, right? Do you want me to use your Porta Potti? Yeah, but don't just do it for me; Do it 'cause you want to.
Mm, I'm definitely doing it for you.
- And just a tip - Yeah? If you want people to use your toilet, don't camp out in front of it.
Do me a favor, if you're going to go in.
- Mm-hmm.
- Really sell it, 'cause I want girls to see it.
- Okay.
- You know what I mean? Just, like, make a show of it.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Bye, Jess, thank you Ooh, just my style! Nicely vintage.
Can't wait to get inside! Sure wish I had a good book.
Can't wait.
Oh, this is horrible! I got it; You told me like, ten times.
Okay, but I'm just saying, I don't know what that one does.
Look, the instant the big speech begins, you initiate toast sequence.
You got that, Red? Look, don't-don't mess this up.
Tippy go bye-bye, you mess this up.
- Tippy go bye-bye.
- Okay.
Okay, great.
Bite me, you wang.
What did you say, man? - Hey, Schmidt.
- Hey.
You remember Shivrang? Shivrang, what is up, my man? Welcome to America.
Listen, just a little heads up, we're serving cow-meat tacos tonight, so You mean beef.
Cow meat, Shivrang.
I'm not crazy.
It is beef, right? Hey, can I just say I like you a lot? I like you, too.
A lot? 'Cause I said "A lot.
" I-I knew I felt this way, the moment I met you.
Yes, a guy who can tell me exactly how he feels.
That's what I want.
That is what I want.
It's just You, uh You make me Are you okay? I-I like you a lot.
Yeah, I-I Yeah I'm fine, I mean You know what else I like? I like beer.
I drink beer.
'Cause I'm a man, and I play football.
You want some beer? I'm gonna get a beer.
- Hey, there you are.
- Hey, Schmidty.
.
It's almost toast time, and I made - Okay.
made up a few cards.
You know, just jotted down a few notes and bullet points for you.
I was gonna do my own toast.
I know what I want to say about you.
At least take a look at them.
- I worked really hard on these.
- "I'm nothing without you.
" "Thank you for supporting me "during that thing, financially and" This is a full speech.
Feel free to make it your own.
Why is it that you think you're better than me, Schmidt? What? What are you talking about? Why do you think you're better than me? Our friendship didn't used to be this way.
You know, back in college, we were equals.
You get any last night? - No.
You? - Hell, yeah.
- Really? - No.
- We're equals.
- Equals.
And then you got that juicer, which I was excited about.
You were at a dangerous fat level, but somehow you got skinny, and I became this idiot that you need to take care of.
Don't resent me for getting my life together.
- Oh, your life's together? - Yeah.
You're throwing a party to celebrate living with your college roommate - for ten years.
- Yeah.
What are we doing here? What are we celebrating? What do you mean, "what are we celebrating?" We're celebrating TinFinity! Ten years, two hearts, one home! Loyalty and great conversation.
It's right here on the cards! Okay, that ain't right.
- Hey, Winston.
- Aha.
I see you've come to gloat.
Is Jax known for being intense? Yeah, Jess, he's supposed to be intense.
He's a professional athlete.
You know, he doesn't run.
He sprints.
He doesn't jump.
He leaps.
And he doesn't like, Jess.
He loves.
Hmm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, look, I'm sorry about No, no, no, no, don't be don't be sorry.
It's The truth is I just got out of a relationship that sort of crushed me.
And everybody thinks that pro football players are big and strong, and I am.
It's true.
Look.
Whoa! This is nothing for me.
I can have 20 of you.
- Never put me down.
- But that means when I fall, I fall hard.
And yes, sometimes I cry.
I cry, too.
I cry all the time.
I cry in my bedroom, in the bathroom, in the hallway, in the elevator.
This morning I woke up crying.
I have this feeling it's like I've known you forever.
I have this feeling, too.
Like, I want to French you.
I really want to French you.
Ex-Excuse me.
Can I Can I have your attention, please? Uh, excuse me.
Could I please have your attention? Um Oh.
Whoa.
Hello.
I don't know, um, any of you, but I'm Shivrang.
Hello.
- It started off so well - And oh, there's music now.
Um, look And Oh.
Oh.
What the hell is this? Um, Cece, where are you? Hey.
Uninitiate toast sequence! This isn't it.
- This song is for Nick and I! -In your glory and your love Look, I know I said I wasn't gonna do some big proposal thing, but that being said, I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with you, so Wow! Were nothing but a sham Cece Do you, um do you want to do this thing? I'll love you until I die Yes.
- Yes? Yeah? - Yes.
- Yeah.
- Are you sure? Save me - Oh.
- Oh, wow.
This is nuts.
I-I didn't do this.
Save me, save me Save me I'm naked and I'm far from home It's shaped like an infinity sign, because they're going to be married forever.
The slate will soon Be clean Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks.
To start again with somebody new Hi.
Uh, I'd like to say something, too.
- That's Jax McTavish.
- I know.
Um, I'd like to report a missing item.
My heart.
It was stolen by that little heart thief right there.
I'm I'm innocent.
I didn't I was framed.
I just want to say in front of God and all these people at this gorgeous party that I'm in love with you.
Mm no.
No.
- And I know it's early - Nah.
but I think I met the girl that I'm gonna marry.
Who? Who? I'm gonna marry you! We are not on the same page.
I'm gonna marry you.
I'm gonna put a baby in you.
We're gonna have dogs and cats.
I met my third wife! Schmidty? Schmidty? Schmidty? Hey.
- Schmidt - Stop it! You okay, buddy? Yeah.
No, I'm-I'm fine.
It's just, I'm really annoyed about the lighting cues.
Also, our girl-to-guy ratio is taking a real nosedive.
I mean, we're, like, two bro groups away from being a total wiener fest.
It's just really disappointing when things don't work out the way you thought they would, you know? I do.
Hey, why don't we get out of here for a bit? Get away from this party stress.
You mean, like, take a trip together.
No, just, like, walk 40 yards away.
Don't think we need a trip or anything like that, pal.
- Jess? - Hey! - Hey! - Hey! Oh, my God! - So excited for you.
Let me see it.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
So beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.
- Is this good? This is good, right? - It's good.
I mean, it's-it's what I wanted.
- Yes! Yay! - I'm getting married! So, what are you what are you doing in here? - I'm hiding.
- Oh, yeah, that guy.
- He seemed to, uh, really like you when he gave that speech.
- Yeah.
He might not be the one.
So you still thinking about Nick? No.
Shut up.
No.
All right.
Look at that, man.
You did get a balloon.
Yeah, I got a kick-ass hot air balloon.
But it turns out, you need propane to get it up in the air.
- You didn't know that? - How would I know? You didn't want to do any research? How could I do any research? I was dealing with the Porta Potti.
It's actually kind of nice.
It's peaceful.
Yeah.
Hey, I'm sorry about Cece, man.
I know it sounds kind of cheesy, but I always thought that I was gonna be the man to bone Cece for the rest of her life.
I think we all did, buddy.
To answer your question from before, this is what we were celebrating.
Yeah, that's right.
This is what we're celebrating.
- Yes.
Yes.
- Yeah.
Right? You're my best friend, man.
- Please.
- Ten years of living together Upsetting, but kind of great, man.
- Here's to it.
- Yes.
Not having roommates is for real losers, you know that? Mm-hmm.
- Equals.
- You said it, man.
Oh, you are such a Nancy boy.
- What is in that, man? - Liquor! If not for you Babe, I couldn't find the door Mm.
You pick out a song for our first dance? Yes, I did.
I didn't expect you to dance to it, but you know, I was going to dance for you.
Yeah.
Come on, it's too close quarters for that, Schmidt.
That is beautiful.
Pass the hooch.
Nick's been hogging it all.
Mmm.
Here, have a sip.
My mouth's been on it.
It's not a big deal.
It's just my mouth! I I It's okay.
I'm all right.
Come on, have a sip! You put your mouth all over it! You just said that.
You put your mouth all over it, and I don't want to think about your mouth! - You okay? I just - Yup, I'm fine.
What are you doing? What are you doing, Jess? I just don't understand why we only have I mean, I feel like I should have my own bottle.
Because we were all gonna share - I don't know where I'm going, but I'm going! - Where are you going?! We're pretty awesome wingmen for each other.
- Right.
- Because we're both the guy the girls want to sleep with, and we're both the other guy, too.
Neither one of us are Tom Cruise or the other one.
We're both Iceman.
- Yeah.
Equals! - Equals! You get a lot of girls? - Um, I don't know.
Yeah - Yeah.
Me, too.
- I feel like you probably have a lot of game with the ladies.
- I know what they want sexually, and I'm not afraid to give it to them.
- I get that from you.
I get that vibe, man.
- What about you? I feel like I put off a similar vibe, but kind of more - on the down-low, you know what I mean? - Yeah! - Equals! - Equals!