Samantha Who? s02e18 Episode Script

for the first time since I can remember,which,to be fair,is only,like,two years now, I have a job I love-- giving mon to charities.
But there's only so much money,so giving to one charity means turning down another -- meaning someone always gets hurt.
Damn it! You all right? Yes.
It hurts so much to say no to so many people.
Especially when there's so much to say yes to right here.
Hey,you know what?I'm kind of busy right n I'm trying to establish a relationship with the senate finance committee that oversees nonprofits.
I think you deserve a glass of wine.
I mean,look at me.
I have the senate switchboard on my speed dial.
There are hookers who don't even have that.
I got this at auction.
It's a 1986 chateau latoque chamonelle.
You're wasting it.
I have one more call,and then I have a date.
Come on.
It's after 10:00 P.
M.
It's technically not a date.
It's not 10:00.
It's only--oh,my god!Oh,my god! Todd's gonna kill me! Why didn't he call? After the sixth one,he should have called the cops.
You're back together with that todd? No,no,no.
It's just a first date-- well,since we broke up the second time.
So I guess it's a first first de after the second breakup.
I-I gotta go.
Um,you realize this is a $4,000 bottle of wine? I mean,that is-- that is just-- really?Thank you! That'll smooth things over,huh? Todd? oh,todd,I am so,so sorry.
I-I completely lost track of time.
I got caught up in work.
Then why do you have wine on your breath? Oh,no.
I don't have wine on my breath.
I have wine on my coat.
Yeah,the cab driver kept stopping really fast.
His backseat is now worth $4,000.
Okay,well,um,I'm trying to watch this,so oh,come on.
Please don't be mad.
Look,I really want to go out with you.
Just give me another chance,all right? I'll let you suck my coat.
Really,really,I'm not mad.
at--at the fourth call,I was mad.
By the tenth,I remembered how awful it was being with you before.
Okay,I'm not a student of human emotions,but that kind of sounds like someone who's mad.
No.
No,I'm glad it happened now before I got all involved again.
It's like,you know,I-I love kiwis,but they give me a rash.
And if i don't eat them for a while,i forget I'm allergic.
Then I take a bite,and there it is again.
So thank you for the rash.
you know what?I think that you are overreactin to an isolated incident,and Where were you? I called you,like,14 times.
Oh,I had a crazy day at work.
What are you doing home? I thought you were going to a concert.
No,we were supposeto go to a concert for your birthday,which is today.
I should have listened to your whole message.
Well,come on,let's go.
Sam,it's after midnight.
Then it's no longer my birthdaY.
I should celebrate that.
You can come if you want to.
No?All right.
Yes,I screwed up.
But now I have this job that's-- that's really important to me, and I just need to learn how to balance that with equally important things to me in my life.
If you were a charity,they'd dovetail.
But you're not.
You're doing really well.
Thank you for making up the couch todaY.
Fine,fine.
One more chance.
Thank you.
Tomorrow night? I can'T.
I can do wednesday.
I can'T.
I have a dinner that I've already cancelled three times.
Otherwise I would be there with bells on.
"Belzon.
" That sounds like an alien.
"here.
I'm here with belzon.
Don't be afraid.
Belzon only eats glass.
" Well,you can't say we didn't try.
all right.
All right.
I will cancel.
That village hasn't had water for a year.
What's one more day,right? All right.
You're dating todd again? I'm so excited for you.
Well,we're not dating yet.
We're just going on a date.
But if it goes well,you know,it could lead to another and another and another.
I can see us riding horses.
No! Why are you going to go down this path again? Especially when you have this handsome,rich man who wants you? You can marry him,and we could be in the bajillionaire wives club together.
Ooh,I was the president of the astronomy club.
Yeah,oh,word of advice-- get your dues early,or you will end up with a very expensive telescope.
Yeah.
Anyway,I'm not going down that path again,okay? Todd and I are at very different places in our-- can you please get that camera out of my face? Yeah,enough about you anyway.
It's my episode of "superstar weddings.
" I can't believe I'm on my favorite sh I mean,these are the same people that do "superstar divorces.
" In fact,I even have my quote ready for that show if--if need be,god forbid.
you're so funny.
My funny friends.
But you know what's not a joke? The great taste of bauman's original hard lemonade.
Sam,what is your mom doing here? What? Your mom?Your mom? She is not supposed to be on camera.
your backstory is your mother is dead.
What are you doing here? Well,this is the last place your father will think to look for me.
You know,when he suddenly retired,I thought that we would travel,see the world,you know? See things we've never seen before.
All he wants to do is have sex.
I mean,it's fun,but certainly nothing I haven't seen before.
Oh,the one night you want the music to be loud,and you hear every word.
I mean,right now he thinks I'm at the refrigerator getting whipped cream, but I saw my car keys on the table,and I-I just ran.
Well,obviously,you two are not on the same page about his retirement.
So why don't you,like,make a list of all the things that you want to do now, compare 'em,and then decide what you want to do first? Yeah,well,he's made a list,all right.
I think he's been on the internet.
Could you turn that up,please? yeah,just crank it.
Sorry.
I gotta finish up.
Big date.
Really?Lucky you.
Is she pretty? Gorgeous.
I mean,she'd have to be,since she's kind of a flake.
Well,perhaps that makes her elusive and intriguing.
you'd think,but no.
Well,I happen to have a date myself.
You should probably sleep with him.
I heard guys like that.
Oh,I don't kn I think this one might be gay.
You should see what he does with his hair.
hello? Samantha? Did I catch you at a bad time? Uh,yes.
What's up? I'm supposed to meet with senator rudd at the harrison club tonight, but I was called away to new york for a meeting,and I was hoping you would entertain him.
Um,nope,I can'T.
I have plans.
Sure.
Oh,okay.
Just that senator rudd co-chairs the senate finance committee, and you mentioned something about wanting the foundation to be taken seriously,something like-- doesn't matter.
Okay,have a good time.
No,no,no.
wait.
Damn it! Smart move,sam.
And oh,uh,if he puts his hand on your knee,he's just trying to stand up.
You ready to go? Hey,you know what I was thinking? Why don't I go out for a couple of hours and bring us back some takeout? What? No?Okay.
Let's go.
Proudly Presents Season 2 Episode 18 You know,todd,I was thinking,why don't we just shake things up a little bit,you know? Maybe go someplace that we would never,ever go to in a million years.
But we have reservations at stingray.
They're,like,impossible to get.
No,I was thinking about this place that I've been really,really wanting to try-- the,um,harrison club.
that supper club where the old people eat? And they stop serving at,like,8:30 when the salisbury steak runs out? Yeah!How cool is that? I mean,it's,you know,it's,like,so unhip that it's hip.
I mean,really,if it was any worse,it would be impossible to get in.
So come on! Let's go get us some supper.
come on.
Okay.
I finished my list.
Oh,good,good.
This is fun,huh? Okay,the first thing I want to do is see venice,italy,before it sinks into the ocean,now that you're retired.
What do you want to see? "The x-files.
" The tv show? Yeah.
I ordered the whole thing on dvd.
Okay.
anything else you'd like to see? Africa? Russia? "Lonesome dove.
" Never finished it.
Anything else that might possibly not involve you sitting around all day on your ass? howard! We talked about this.
I want to see the world,maybe get a second home, enjoy the freedom to do whatever we want and go wherever we want whenever we want.
This is our time,honey.
Let's make the most of it.
I'm sorry,hon.
I I was only thinking about myself.
Thank you.
Appreciate that.
Want to take a shower? lovely.
If you want to buy one,you can pick it up on your way out.
Thank you.
Great.
Isn't this cool? Cool,yes.
Like a morgue.
Senator? Senator? Where's my soup? I'm sorry.
It's coming.
Why are you calling everyone senator? Oh,um,you know,it's a term of respect.
Sort of like,"evening,captain.
Hello,senator.
" It's very classy.
Senator? No.
Okay.
Okay,sam,what's going on? Tell me the truth and I won't be upset.
Well,no,I will be,but not as upset as if I find out that you're lying.
Or probably the same.
Actually,I don't see this going well for you either way.
Okay.
Funk called before we left,and he said I had to come here and meet this guy.
Wait.
So this is work? No! You and I,we're still on a date.
But if a little work gets done in the process,then guess who wins? Everybody.
Except me.
Yeah,well,maybe not you.
Look,what was i supposed to do? Funk couldn't make it.
Oh,good.
You' here.
Funk,what are you doing here? You're supposed to be in new york.
Oh,they canceled that meeting,which allows me to be here with you.
Can you show us to our table,please? Funk,meet todd.
Oh,hello.
You're balder in person.
You know,it's hard to balance dating and work,so,dating,you stay here.
Work,you come with me,okay? May I just say that you look fantastic tonight? I always look more beautiful standing next to a liar.
You never had any plans in new york.
You just got me here so you could be alone with me.
You know what?I'm on a date with todd.
So you can go entertain the senator by yourself - if there even is a senator.
-there is a senator.
-But there's no todd,though.
-What? Thank god.
I thought you left without me.
oh,gosh.
What,you two don't see enough of each other all day? I didn't know he was gonna show up.
How can you work side by sid with a guy who wants to sleep with you? That's his problem.
I mean,what do you want me to do--quit? So you admit he wants to sleep with you? Jeez! For a first date,you are awfully possessive.
Not really a problem,since I'm pretty sure there won't be a second date.
I'm not attracted to my boss,todd.
What if he wasn't your boss? I don't kn I mean,that's like asking me if--if I would be attracted to my father if he wasn't my father.
It's impossible to kn It's impossible to know if you'd be attracted to your father? Have you seen pictures of him when he was younger? He is a very dashing man.
You--you know what?You know what? Just forget it.
Your cab's here.
-You take it.
-No,no.
Just take it.
I'll get the next one.
Oh,god.
This is stupid.
We're going to the same plE.
It's a waste of gas and money.
Fine.
Get in.
But we're not talking.
Oh,jeez.
You think? I'm sitting up front.
Sit on the hood for all I care.
where to? it smells weird up there.
I can taste it in my mouth.
what are you doing? When I come home from a crappy date,I like to drink a beer and go to bed.
Well,when I come home from a really crappy date,I like to sion the couch and watch tv.
Too bad,because the couch you like to sit on happens to be the bed I like to sleep on.
can I ask you a question as my roommate? Was it really that bad that I took my date to a work function? Yes.
You're not todd.
You're my roommate.
Oh,as your roommate?Yeah.
Yes.
I need a different roommate.
Now let me ask you one.
I went out with this crazy chick-- Roommate.
I may have overreacted to her boss-- who's also her former lover-- who showed up on our date and made a jealous scene in front of an old folks' home.
bro,you acted like a little bitch.
Did you cry? Shut up.
Think if I call her,she'll go out with me again? Bro,no,you don't call her.
You let her call you.
It sounds like she may have had a little something to do with what happened.
she's probably out with some other guy.
You'll do.
Hold it.
Thanks.
Winston funk-- entrepreneur,jet-setter and part of my inner circle of close friends.
Andrea.
You know my name? Of course you do,'cause you're my close friend.
Okay,guys,do you think we can just drop the cameras? -Just for-- just for a few floors.
-yes!Yeah,if you-- turn 'em off.
You're a friend of samantha's aren't you? Uh-huh,as well as,um,sports figures and entertainers.
Great girl.
Just yeah,shmentioned something about,I don't know,seeing her ex-boyfriend again.
I mean,that's good,right? You sound concerned.
Well,who wouldn't be? I mean,the boy sleeps where people sit.
Interesting.
He's,like,a starving artist or something like that? Yeah.
Photographer.
Nothing special.
Local stuff,you know,like magazines and stuff.
Well,maybe he'll get his big break.
see you.
-Bye.
-Bye-bye.
Great moment,a delicious moment-- almost as delicious as hickory jack's smoked bacon.
Put some bacon in your bag.
Regina! Guess what? Don't tell me-- you finished watching the second season of "alf.
" Uh,no.
I-I listened to you,regina,and you were right.
We need to travel and have a-a second home,too, and--and go anywhere we want to go anytime we want to go anywhere we want to go,anytime--where--places.
really? You mean that? The solution was so easy.
Look! Look! I call it "the regina.
" I named her after you.
sam?Yeah? I'm in the dining room.
well,hello.
What's,uh,going on here? Well,tonight was supposed to be our second date, and I realized what went wrong with the first one.
We were out.
so just thought we would stay home in a controlled environment, where no work can interrupt us.
I told frank no visitors.
I unplugged the computer,and I mailed myself my cell phone, so that should be gone for a couple of days.
So now it's just you and me,a romantic dinner.
I think you know what that means.
SaM I got an unbelievable job offer to be the photo editor of a magazine.
It's in london.
They want me to leave tomorr no,silly.
It means we're gonna have sex that's what.
London? I don't understand.
Wait.
Y-you don't understand london,or-- no,I understand london,todd.
Well--well,I don't kn.
With the amnesia-- I mean,you thought harry potter was the 33rd president.
I'm just saying that,you know,as your roommate,I would have liked to have had a little bit more notice.
Well,I haven't taken the job yet.
I-I thought I'd discuss it with you first.
Me? Okay.
I it's a--it's a-- it's a great opportunity.
So you think I should take it? I mean,I-I can't answer that.
I mean,it's not like I can ask you to stay,right? Yeah,and I can't ask you to move,right? It's not like you and I are-- well,no.
We had one date.
I kn.
I kn Who moves with a guy to london after one date? A crazy lady.
Yeah,it would have to be one hell of a date.
Yeah.
Justyeah.
This isyeah.
This is this is your big chance.
Yeah.
And you finally got the job you always wanted.
Yeah.
And we can still talk all the time.
We have phones.
It's not like I'm on the moon or something.
Oh,yeah.
I-- even if you were on the moon,I'm sure we could still talk,you know? The phones these day anD the roaming.
so you're happy for me? I've never been happier.
Yay! Todd? todd? Hey,dad,what's going on? What do you mean,you're here? what the hell is this? Funny,I said exactly the same thing.
Remember I said that,howard? You and I said exactly the same thing.
Yeah,we're gonna follow the dream,sammy-- see the world just like your mother wanted.
Just remember-- if the R.
V.
'S rockin',don't come a-knockin'.
Knock,samantha.
Knock all you want! Late again? You are putting us all to shame.
Oh,no.
I finished a long time ago.
You know,once you start watching videos of cats doing funny things,you really can't stop.
look at that.
That cat's riding a dog.
It's like it's friday night.
Why aren't you out with that todd? He moved to london for a job.
London?Really? I'm really sorry to hear about that.
Sure you are.
Listen,I dusted off a 1970-- I don't care.
Just pour.
I read somewhere that when god closes a door,he opens a wind just not too wide,I hope.
All kinds of things could get in.