Sanford and Son (1972) s02e18 Episode Script

I had plenty of money in 1922 Let other people make a fool out Hey, Lamont! How you say you wanted your eggs? I want 'em fried, straight up! Uh, how 'bout scrambled? - I want 'em fried! - Scrambled's good too.
How come I can't have 'em straight up? 'Cause I dropped one on the floor straight down.
Why don't you do right Like some other people do - Oh, no! - What's the matter with you? The truck is gone! Somebody stole the truck! I'm gonna call the police.
Relax.
The truck's not stolen.
Somebody borrowed it.
- What? Who did? - I loaned the truck to, Julio.
Julio? You loaned our truck to a Puerto Rican? What difference does it make what the man is? He needed the truck and I loaned it to him.
I'll tell you what difference it makes.
They don't return stuff.
What are you talking about? I'm talkin' about how Puerto Ricans borrow stuff and don't bring it back.
They borrowed Harlem, remember? And I'm sure they'd be glad to return it.
Well, you can just kiss that truck good-bye.
You know how bad they drive.
What is this? They don't return things.
They don't know how to drive.
- What are you, a bigot? - No, I'm a Baptist.
I never thought it was possible.
I'm the son of a bigot.
Just hush right up.
I'm just a fella that likes to protect his property.
What'd Julio need the truck for anyway? I don't know.
He said it was a surprise.
Yeah, I know what that is.
He's probably smuggling in a truckload of Mexicans.
Pull that canvas back, and there they are, a whole lot of wetbacks.
And they say, "Surprise!" You don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, yes, I do.
It's either that or he's smuggling in some Tijuana tobacco.
You know, "EIJoint-os"? Why don't you knock it off? Now, the man doesn't have a truck.
I loaned him ours.
He had some work to do.
You loaned the man our truck to cut into our business then there goes the empire.
What empire? What empire? This empire! I built up from the ground from nothing' to what you see now.
Look, Pop, just knock it off.
We don't even need the truck.
It's Sunday.
And the bible says, "On Sunday thou shall rest.
" That means, thou shall rest, I shall rest and my truck should also be resting.
You're gonna keep griping all day 'cause I loaned that truck toJulio? Yeah, that's right.
'Cause I don't trust him no further than I can throw a ten-ton banana.
Pop, Julio happens to be a very honest guy, and he's generous.
I bet he even filled the tank.
Yeah, with goat's milk.
I don't want to listen to no more of this.
I'm gonna have my breakfast.
I bet that's Julio now with your old, dumb truck, and we'll get some peace.
I bet it's the highway patrol.
You get it.
'Cause I wanna be sitting down when they tell me my truck went off a cliff.
- Hey, Julio! - Hey, Lamont.
¿Cóme está? - How you feel, buddy? - Buenos días, Mr.
Sanford.
Yeah, I know what that means.
Call your insurance company.
- Julio, is everything okay? - Perfecto, man.
Here's the key, and I want to thank you very much.
That truck was really a big help.
And now I tell you the reason why I borrowed the truck.
Whaa! I got a big surprise, man! You brought the truck back in one piece.
Sure.
By the way, to show how much I appreciate, I filled the tank with gas.
- Julio, you didn't have to do that.
- Oh, yes, he did.
Hey, con permiso.
Excuse me.
I'm coming right back with the surprise, man.
- It ain't here on the headlines.
- What are you doing? I'm trying to see if there was a riot yesterday 'cause if it was a riot that surprise could be a truckload of hot televisions.
Listen, you.
I want you to stop insulting Julio.
You got that? Either that or he's smuggling something in to the country.
Wetbacks.
Lamont, Mr.
Sanford, I want you to meet my mother Providencia, and my sister Maria.
Ha-ha! They just came in from New York.
Buenos días.
I'm happy to meet you, Señor Sanford.
My son tells me that you too are un comprado de hierro viejo.
No, no, I'm a citizen.
No, señor.
Comprador de hierro viejo is a junk man.
What'd she say? Mommy said that she has never seen an indoor junkyard.
Yeah, your your mama's really funny.
A regular Caesar sombrero.
Uh, shall we all sit down? Did you come here for a visit, Mrs.
Fuentes? Yes! I dream of coming to California for years! Maria too! Oh, yes! Julio writes that flowers grow all the time and that people keep a tan all year long.
Oh, that's just in this neighborhood.
- Have you folks had your breakfast yet? - Sí, thank you.
I'll tell you what.
Maria, why don't you help me unload the truck? - I'll help you, Julio.
- Great.
Mommy, why don't you stay and get acquainted with Mr.
Sanford? No, no.
Wait a minute.
Why don't we all help unload the truck? No, Pop.
Let the young people do that.
You stay in here and converse with Mrs.
Fuentes.
No, no.
Wait a minute, son.
Wait a minute.
- You sure you won't need more help? - Would you go sit down and talk to her? - Talk to her about what? - I don't know.
Talk about the weather.
Who wants to know about the weather in Puerta Rico? Say, you come out here on the bus? Oh, no, señor.
We fly.
And it is so fast.
We get into the airplane and boom, boom, we are here in five hours.
Well, they say it's much faster going back.
You get in the airplane, and boom, boom, you back home in four hours.
How long you gonna stay out here? I don't know, señor.
Julio wants us to stay for good.
Oh, I'd think about that if I was you.
I mean, it's all right for a visit but I don't know about living out here.
Why? It is bad to live here? Oh, very bad.
- Look how dirty them windows are.
- You do not do windows? No, I'm talkin' about smog.
That's smog.
We have smog in New York.
Yeah, but out here our smog is mixed with earthquakes.
See, out here a building will fall on you and your last breath won't even be a good one.
I will get used to it like everybody.
I'll tell you one thing you don't get used to the mayor.
Did you ever hear of Sam "Airplane" Yorty? Did you ever hear of John "Garbage Strike" Lindsay? You know who will be unhappy out here? Is your daughter.
Maria? She could hardly wait to come to California, señor.
Well, does she have a boyfriend back in New York? Mmm.
Poquitos.
See now, there's a problem right there.
There ain't many poquitos out here.
What do you mean? If she was lookin' for a steady.
Or a sweetheart.
- How do you say that? - Ah, sí.
Un novio.
Novio.
Yeah.
See, in this neighborhood, our novios is black-eos.
Well, I do not worry about Maria.
She is smart.
She will do the right thing.
Get that killer out of here! - Hold that killer! - This must beJulio's goat.
Tell him something in Puerto Rican.
Tell him el goat-o get out of el house-o.
- Get him out of here.
- Don't worry.
He won't do anything bad.
I don't want to give him time to try.
Out-o! - Hey, what'd she say? - Nothing.
Nothing.
What I think she said was that you and the goat got the same beard.
Right? I'm sorry.
Your mama got off another good one, didn't she? - A regular Puerto Rican Phyllis Diller.
- We have to go.
By the way.
Thank you, Mr.
Sanford, for being so nice to my mother.
Adiós, Mr.
Sanford.
Come on, chico.
Well, that's it.
He had the truck.
- He brought his family.
The end.
- What's that supposed to mean? It means we don't have to have nothin' more to do with him.
Just like the old saying: "East is east and west is west and never the twain shall meet-o.
" And that's the way you want it? That's exactly the way I want it.
You can't be too nice to them Puerto Ricans.
Next thing you know, there'll be another Puerto Rican family move in here.
Then another one and another one.
And then what you got? Harlem West.
You can do what you wanna do, but I plan on seeing them.
As a matter of fact, I'm taking Julio's sister out tonight.
What you say? You heard what I said.
I'm taking Maria out to dinner.
Oh, this is the big one.
You might as well stop that right now because it's not gonna do any good.
Son, you can't go out with her because she's a, she's a She's a what? Go ahead, say it.
She's what? She's She's a foreigner.
I'm still going out with her.
Oh, son, don't do that.
I got a heavy feelin' right here.
It'll pass.
I'm going and eat my breakfast.
Oh! This is the big one.
Hear that, Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you, honey with an enchilada on my heart.
What's the matter with you? Take that thing out of your mouth.
You know what's the matter with me, and you know what's makin' me sick.
You wouldn't happen to be sick because I'm taking Maria out to dinner tonight, would you? No.
I just got this fever.
I'm real sick.
Look at that 108.
Pop, if your temperature was 108, you'd be dead.
Then I'm glad I won't be livin' to see you take her out.
What's the matter with you? Julio happens to be a friend of mine and his sister's in town for the first time.
As an act of friendship, I'm taking her out to dinner.
What's wrong with that? It's wrong.
It's just wrong.
And it's dangerous.
- Dangerous? Why? - You could be attacked by sharks.
- What are you talkin' about? - Remember that movie, West Side Story? The Sharks was a gang of Puerto Ricans.
And they got that guy for taking that Maria out.
And he was Irish, so you can imagine what's gonna happen to you.
You really talk strange sometimes.
What is this, "Sharks"? There're hardly any Puerto Ricans in Los Angeles.
They'll ship 'em in from New York.
I don't have time to stay around and listen to this.
I'm going.
Wait a minute, Lamont.
Wait a minute.
I'll tell you why I don't want you to go out with her.
All right.
What if Bubba, Leroy and Skillet see you.
They ain't as broad-minded as I am.
- Yeah, you're pretty broad-minded, Pop.
- You know I'm broad-minded.
Remember that time that white woman came in? Didn't I let her use the toilet? Terrific.
Look, I'm gonna take Maria out to dinner tonight.
I don't care what they think.
I don't care about Bubba, Leroy or Skillet.
I don't care about them.
Well, what about me? Don't you care about me? Of course I care about you, Pop.
But you still haven't given me one intelligent reason why I shouldn't take Maria out.
Okay, I'll give you an intelligent reason.
Remember that movie, The Great White Hope? You remember all the trouble JackJohnson had with that white woman? They threw him out of the motel in the middle of the night and they wasn't even drinkin' or playin' the TV loud.
- Come on, Pop.
- Yeah, see.
You and her won't even be able to get an apartment in Beverly Hills.
What's wrong with you? You got us married and living in an apartment.
And all I'm doin' is taking her out to dinner.
I gotta split.
Wait a minute.
Where you gonna take her? You know that Chinese restaurant, Chung Lee? Well, listen, why don't you take her to a drive-in? That way you won't even have to get out of the car.
- Good night, Pop.
- Wait a minute, son.
Take her to one of them nice taco places, and she can teach you how to eat a taco without the filling falling on the floor.
- Good night.
- Wait a minute.
Julio, what are you doing here? - I just came over to thank you, man.
- Thank me for what? I didn't want to do it in front of Maria because it might embarrass her.
But I want to thank you for the nice things you're doing for my sister.
You don't have to thank me for that.
I'm gonna enjoy taking her out.
- What's the matter? Are you sick? - I'm real sick.
That's too bad.
That's funny because my mother is sick too.
She is? She was all right this morning.
I know.
But all of a sudden she got a fever, man.
Whoo! She's probably sick for the same reason I'm sick.
Because this dummy's taking your sister out.
- Well, let's go, Julio.
- Wait a minute.
Listen, Mr.
Sanford.
What's wrong with Lamont going out with Maria? Never mind, Julio.
Let's go.
I would like to know what is wrong with your son going out with my sister.
- You don't know? - No.
- What? She's not pretty enough? - No.
- She's not old enough? - No.
Maybe, Mr.
Sanford, it is because she is a Puerto Rican.
Sí, señor.
No, no.
Do you know what you are, Mr.
Sanford? You are a persona fanática.
That is Spanish for bigot.
Well, how would you like one across your lip? That's English for "How would you like one across your lip?" No, no.
I'm gonna tell you something else, man! I gotta tell you something, man.
You know what? Yeah, that's right.
No, you have to find out about this, because your head is old-fashioned, man.
It is anticuado.
You better get out of here before I peel your anticuado.
No, no, no.
Listen.
I tell you what, man.
I didn't tell Lamont he has to go out with my sister.
- That was his own idea! - Well, that was a dumb idea! Oh, yeah? If it is such a dumb idea, you don't have to take her out.
What's the matter with you? I ain't sayin' nothin'! I didn't come over here for people to insult my sister! No, no, no.
You don't have to take her out.
That's all.
See if I care.
Hey, Pop, why Julio, I You anticuado! Wait a minute! Lamont! Here we are.
Beef with Chinese vegetables.
Lobster Cantonese.
- Fried rice.
Okay? - Okay.
Wow, look at all this food.
Who's gonna eat all this? You know what they say.
You eat Chinese food, an hour later you're hungry.
You know what I always say? Eat for an hour, then you won't be hungry again.
That's terrific.
That's really good.
Eat for an hour.
- Dig right in there and help yourself.
- Thank you.
Lamont, I want to thank you for taking me out like this.
My first day in Los Angeles, and I've got a date already.
That's okay.
Maybe after dinner we can drive up Pacific Coast Highway and let the wind blow through your hair.
- That sounds nice.
- Yeah.
Wait a minute.
You don't have a convertible.
No, but if you roll the windows down on the pickup, it's the same thing.
Good evening.
How many in your party? Just one.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't have a table for one.
- Why so crowded tonight? - Saturday night always crowded.
Jewish people like to eat Chinese food on Sunday.
Why is that? Don't ask me.
I'm notJewish.
Hey, you got something in the back? Oh.
Maybe I give you table six.
Yes, you come with me.
- You mind sharing a table with somebody? - No.
I don't care.
Excuse me, lady.
We very busy tonight.
You mind share table with gentleman? - You! What are you doing here? - The same thing you are doing.
Oh, you two friends.
That's good.
What do you mean, the same thing? How do you know what I'm doing here? - You come here to watch your son? - Yeah.
- I come here to watch your son too.
- What does that mean? I watch to see they do not get serious.
The minute he takes her hand and looks into her eyes I will jump in and say, "Basta.
" What'd you call my son? I say, "Basta.
" Enough.
Enough? I'm sorry my son was dumb enough to go out with your daughter.
And I don't know why my daughter is dumb enough to go out with your son.
It is as if she has no good cerebro.
Just keep your daughter away from my son.
If she likes our people, let her start at the bottom.
Let her get a high yellow and work up.
Do you know what you are, Señor Sanford? You are a mentecato.
That mean "fool.
" And you are an old mentecato.
- How you say "lips" in Spanish? - Labios.
Labios.
How'd you like an old mentecato to give you one across your labios? It is a good thing we are not in New York where her friends could see her.
I wish they were in New York so that my friends couldn't see my son out with her 'cause it's gonna ruin his reputation in this neighborhood.
Well, would you look who's here! Hello, Fred.
Look, Skillet, it's Fred.
Hello, Fred! Man, we know that's you behind them shades.
What you trying to do, hide? Oh, I get it! A little la cucaracha time.
Huh, Fred? Uh, wait a minute, fellas.
Let me explain.
Ooh! Fred's out with his Spanish teacher.
That's sweet! Listen.
If you must know, uh we out here watchin' her daughter 'cause she's out with Lamont.
And we just watchin' 'em sitting over there.
- Oh, yeah? Where? - Right over there at the first ta I swear.
Honest.
There were sittin' right over there.
Sure they were! Let's go, Skillet.
Let's led Fred and the señora enjoy their dinner.
Adiós, you two! I'm dead now.
I'm ruined.
I'll never hear the end of this, and it's all your fault.
My fault? Because of you, I didn't even see them leave.
You spoiled everything.
- Yes, sir.
Ready to order now? - What? - You ready to order dinner? - I might as well since I'm here.
And waiter, uh, separate checks.
Hey, Pop, you home? Hey, Pop, you up there? Pop? Hey, Pop, you in the kitchen? You are home.
Didn't you hear me calling you? Of course I'm home.
Where do you think I'd be with a fever like I got? Are you gonna start that again? I've been in bed ever since you left to see that girl.
I could've been dead.
Who is that at this time of night? You expecting company? - Hey, Leroy, Skillet - Hey, Lamont.
Hello, Fred.
- Good night, fellas.
- We just had to talk to your father.
Wait a minute.
All we want to know is who that woman was we saw you with tonight.
- What? What'd you say? - He didn't tell you? Your pop was out with a real cutie! And all the sisters in the neighborhood are gonna feel cheated.
Is there something that you'd like to tell us? Yeah.
Basta.
All three of ya.
Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.