Scrubs s02e18 Episode Script

Maybe it's because spring is around the corner, but lately it feels like romance is in the air.
- How's that? - You close your eyes too early.
And you always go in right.
Try going left.
- The girls'll dig that.
- OK.
Fo'shizzle.
What's up, girl? Nothing that dog did in life could deserve that.
What you talking about? My man's single, he's running drills to keep sharp.
It would be great if you never mention this to anyone, ever.
Are you crazy? You know she'll say something.
We're talking about Carla.
- So now I'm a gossip? - Yeah, you gossip all the time.
- Since when? - Since ever.
To everybody.
It's weird, ever since they got engaged, Turk and Carla have argued constantly.
You want some kibble? I guess I always hoped that the longer you're a couple, the easier it got.
No noise.
And the whole world gets it.
You love your body.
Put your damn shirt on, no one's making a calendar.
And be a sweetie and get me a juice, will you? Thanks so much.
As much as it may seem like it to me personally, I feel desperately compelled to remind you that we are, in fact, not in prison.
And I am just so not your bitch.
Watch your language in front of the baby.
You're gonna have to trust me on this one.
Seeing as you're his mother, he's gonna hear that word early, and he's gonna hear it often.
Like non-stop.
Maybe it's easier to be a new couple, because you can't see what's ahead.
T onight, I am going to make all of your fantasies come true.
You know, I would be happy just to have sex above the covers once.
Yeah.
Never gonna happen.
Now, follow my voice to the bedroom.
Over here.
You're in trouble tonight.
Oh, my God.
Don't take the blindfold off! I'll get a towel to stop the bleeding.
The safest thing for a couple is to find a routine and stick with it.
T ed, have you noticed how happy all the minions are lately? - I wish I was dead.
- Yep.
People love working here.
Good morning, sweetheart.
It all makes me glad I'm on my own.
I don't think I'd have it Hello, ladies.
Just window shopping, or would you like to try something on? Aren't you the guy that makes out with dogs? Carla.
A quick word.
Is anybody else a doctor? I need you to extubate the young fellow in 304 and start an insulin drip on Mrs Adler for the third time this month.
God bless diabetics who continue to drink.
Oh, and Lassie.
In response to the bestiality rumours circulating about you, I've decided to forgo calling you by the usual girl's name and instead I'm gonna refer to you by whatever famous dog I can think of.
I've gone with Lassie because, of course, that satisfies the criteria of being a girl and a dog's name, thus helping you ease into the transition.
I was just running kissing drills.
Oh.
That's completely normal, then.
Don't bring that filth over here.
Dude.
TCW's back.
TCW is a horrible story.
She was married for three weeks before her husband got in a car accident and became a total vegetable.
He's been on life support for two years.
Since he was transferred to us, she's visited every Wednesday.
Very, very sad.
Oh, and she's a babe.
We call her Tasty Coma Wife.
Or TCW for short.
- How's he doing? - You know.
He's the same.
How are you doing? I was calculating how much time I need to spend here so I don't feel guilty all week.
Now I need to double it, because I can't believe I said that.
I think you're allowed to do what you want, Mrs Moyer.
- Please, call me Jamie.
- Jamie? OK.
You have something on your cheek.
What? Workin' in a hospital, it's always something.
- Yeah, I got it.
- Did you get it? No, not yet.
- How we doin' today? - Excellent, sir.
- No one going to hell in here.
- Super.
You've always known about my sleep toots.
You used to imitate the sound, remember? I make Mr Roberts wear special air-tight boxer shorts.
I wrote the guest list for this conversation, and you're not on it, OK? So just As for you, could you go one day without making a big deal of everything? One damn day, woman.
Carla, would you take this young man back to his room in Paediatrics? Apparently as a form of social protest, he chewed on and subsequently swallowed part of a Rolling Stones CD.
Tell you what, Ralphie, they sold out for good once they started doing Ford commercials, eh? - We'll talk later.
- Come on, Ralphie.
- I had that inside of me.
- What, now? He's just making stuff up.
Come on.
I swallowed that ring.
My dad had to wait for me to go No.
2.
The black doctor gave me ten bucks to keep quiet.
Good show today.
Elliot.
A blindfold? - Way to step it up, Miss Nasty.
- You told him what happened.
We were bonding.
What are you eating? Turkey jerky.
Protein, baby.
Go for it.
- No, thanks.
- Don't like it? - Never tried it.
- Never? Jerky rocks.
You'll love it.
I've put a lot of thought into this and I'll have to pass.
So, eight stitches, and now you don't trust me? And you wanted above-the-covers sex! I feel your pain.
Luckily, I'm a competent enough doctor, I'm not gonna let myself get distracted thinking about Jamie.
Can you really hear my heart if it isn't in your ears? - Did you go to med school? - No, I mean No, you didn't.
Thank you.
The problem is that I'm in a rut.
I just need someone to go out and get a beer with me.
I can't tonight.
If I have more than one beer, I'll most likely kill myself.
Can't.
You seen Turk? Married.
- Can't swing it tonight.
- Come on, player, just a few beers.
And if we accidentally run into some skanky hos, then so be it.
I'll go.
I totally need to blow off some steam.
Plus, the best way to meet skanky hos is to already have a girl with you.
- Not that I need any help.
- Pff! Hell, no! You got something Oh, my God.
I gotta tell you about that day.
I haven't named him yet.
I've been calling him Monkey Face.
They'd tease him at school.
Seriously, I had this one patient He's got a boodgie like a grape in his nose.
Would you run back to the hospital for a suction thingy? If I'm not back in 20 minutes, I don't want you to worry because it simply means I drove by a prostitute on the way home.
Make sure it's a girl.
Please don't do this.
- Do what? - The whole drama-queen thing.
The jerky incident is what is wrong with our relationship.
Thank you.
Every lunch, someone hits me with a spit-ball.
I'm still not sure how I feel about Paul and Elliot.
Nice day, huh? Always got something to say, don't you? Old Nosy Nelly always gotta throw his two cents in.
OK, I'm sorry about the nice-day thing.
How can I make this right? What's it, biscuit and gravy day? - Yeah.
- Just give me one of them biscuits.
I thought you were ready.
How does this whole wing-man thing work? Essentially, you have to think of yourself as chum.
Your job as chum is to lure attractive women closer to the boat.
Mental note.
The Boat could be a very cool new nickname.
Hey, baby.
Would you like some of this? - Look at that.
- No, no, Jamie.
A little aggressive.
Sorry.
- Did you like her? - No, no.
Her ass was way too perfect.
- Can't believe I'm having fun.
- I'm glad.
So, Tasty Coma Wife, huh? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
I've heard some idiots call you that.
- I kinda like it.
- I thought it up.
Cheers.
Is this true? - Ralphie, I paid you ten dollars.
- This is disgusting.
- Why is it? - Because it was in my butt.
I'm serious.
I want you to shut up.
Shut your mouth now.
- Would you wear this? - Baby! I've had this steam-cleaned three times.
Not only would I wear it, I'll put it in my mouth.
What? It's fun to eat things.
Scooby.
A married woman whose husband is still in a coma? Can't tell you how many happy couples I know who got started just that way.
Will you relax? We just got a beer.
What you got there? One hundred free booger suckers and you'll say nothing.
Toto, please, oh, please, keep hanging out with her.
Because I'm gonna enjoy watching this one bite you right on the ass.
And I good and guarantee you, she will.
People in relationships always dole out advice even though they're usually the ones that are messed up.
See you, Elliot.
Whether they're considering breaking up over a Slim Jim.
Or having their stomach pumped.
Or just desperately trying to get attention.
So I'm not gonna sweat it just because I made a new friend.
I mean, what's the big deal? - Hey.
- Hey May I come in? - He likes you.
- He must smell my dead dog.
You haven't asked why I called your work, pretended to be your sister, got your address, and showed up late at night.
You've got a lot going on right now.
I'm sure you're a little confused.
It's time for me to start my life over.
I would love to take you out to dinner, if you'd be interested.
Holy crap! Jack wouldn't want my life to be over.
My husband.
- Mr Moyer.
- Call him Jack.
- I'd rather not.
- I know it's weird.
- But give it some thought, OK? - Of course.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- All right, I'll see you.
- Yeah.
Dude.
Was that Was that Tasty Coma Wife? Yeah.
You'll figure out what to do.
For God's sakes, you're The Boat.
- Here you go.
- Thanks, Jack.
- What? - Cold chart.
Good cover.
Five letters.
"Showing vulnerability.
" "A blank in one's armour.
" - Chink.
- What? Chink! No.
No, Franklyn, we were We were doing a crossword puzzle and - I always suspected.
- We all did.
Franklyn, no.
Wow.
Tough break.
OK, Mrs Brady, we'll break up your kidney stone with lithotripsy.
We're gonna put you on Percocet for the pain.
I can't take painkillers.
Justin's still breastfeeding.
You like milk, do you? Why don't you get on your bike, go to the store and get some? I think at a certain point, breastfeeding becomes creepy.
- You are such a little cutie.
- Mom, I'm trying to eat here.
- But - Mom.
Benji, come.
What is with mothers doting on their children? My God.
It's like nobody else exists in the world anymore.
But I tell you, and you can take it to the bank, my mother never paid that much attention to me.
- It doesn't show.
- Word to the wise there, Astro.
Sarcasm does not sit well with the Big Dog, so consider this a warning.
The next time I hear you mumble some little passive-aggressive aside, I'll look into your heart, pick out your insecurity, and shine a spotlight on it for the remainder of your days.
Now, riddle me this, Fido.
Just exactly why does every Asian person who's passing us by keep giving you the old stink-eye? Oh, you're imagining things.
Ow.
It's just been hard for me lately.
I don't really have anyone special in my life.
I'm pretty much either here or at home doing nothing.
Yeah, that's rough.
I'm in a coma! I've had an itch on my foot for the last eight months.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
It's a new therapy.
You'd trust me on something important to me? Course.
See? That's what I'm looking for.
We're talking about dried meat.
Why would you get in the middle? I don't know what I was thinking.
- Is that a straw? - No, this is just a pen.
Pink scrubs.
Well, there it is, all cleaned up for you.
Enjoy.
Well, why don't you keep it? In case you get hungry later.
Oh, you think that's funny, huh, Ralphie? Pay me my ten dollars.
Son, a hospital staff is like a melting pot.
We all need to respect each other.
If you think a specific ethnic group is loud, lazy or sneaky Or incredibly closed-minded and inappropriate.
Exactly! Just keep it to yourself, dammit! What? Nothing, sir.
I just thought of something funny.
Maybe what you should do is saddle up your mop and head upstairs.
Someone has vomited in the second, third and fifth-floor hallways.
What? It's not my fault.
Ralphie.
Let's ride.
Good work.
Here's your 20 bucks.
You can throw up whenever you want to? - Hell, yeah.
- We should look into that.
You know, right after you blow chunks in the elevator.
- Hey, stranger.
- Hot! It's weird realising you missed someone you barely know.
Wait.
Make me proud.
Good God.
I decided to take Jamie out on a date.
- Who? - You know, T asty Coma Wife? - No way.
- Nice job, Hooch.
T ell you what.
Give me a little time, and I'll rig it so that the husband can come with you.
I'll have him sittin' up right next to you, no problemo.
- What do you say? - I'm free and I love ltalian.
- You be quiet.
- I can't believe you, Bambi.
- She is so right.
- What are you thinking? Oh, Rin-Tin-Tin-Tin-Tin-Tin-Tin.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! And shut up! OK? Who are you to give me advice? All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long.
You know what? Glare all you want, Big Dog, cos I'm not afraid of you.
"Jordan's only paying attention to the baby.
" Must be so hard for Dr Look At Me.
Isn't it? Look at me! And you two? You're arguing since you got engaged? You're probably the first couple to do that ever.
It can't be that you're just scared, is it? And you.
Let's just forget for one second that, a month ago, you told me you couldn't be in a relationship.
Because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage your relationship from the outside.
The only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is while I'm at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing I had someone to talk to, is knowing none of you idiots realise how lucky you are.
Did I miss something good? - Thank you so much for dinner.
- You're welcome.
But what was the deal with tipping $20 on a $30 bill? Ah, nothing.
I just love Chinese food.
And the Asian people.
What should we do now? Kiss me.
I could do that.
Mm.
You went left.
Very cool.
Thank you, Rowdy.
So, it's cold outside.
You wanna come back to my place? I think you might be moving a little fast for yourself.
And there's a part of me that's very angry I just said that.
I'm so sick of being alone, you know? Tell you what, look me in the eyes and tell me that you're ready to start something right now, we won't even need a cab.
I will throw you over my shoulder and just sprint the 1 2 miles to your house.
But I'll call you sometime.
I hope you do.
Bye.
I don't think people are meant to be by themselves.
That's why, if you actually find someone you care about it's important to let go of the little things.
Even if you can't let go all the way.
Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone.
No matter how many people are around.