Teachers (2016) s02e18 Episode Script
Toxic Workplace
1 [ROCK MUSIC.]
Hey, girl.
This is weird.
What are you doing here? I just wanted to swing by and say hello.
- Catch up.
- Oh.
That's actually nice.
How are you holding up? Ugh.
Barely surviving.
I keep telling myself, "Just four more weeks till summer.
" I know! Yesterday, I showed my class "Sex and the City 2" to teach them about Mid-Eastern geography.
I love my class, but come on! It has been eight months.
That's, like, three times the length of a healthy relationship.
Oh, well.
Great chatting with you.
Oh, my God! You didn't come here to talk.
You just wanted to gank one of my sodas! What? No.
I just thought as long as we were hanging out, I would help myself.
Give it back.
- Seriously? - Maybe if you'd asked first.
Okay, Deb, can I have one of your dumb sodas? - No! Give it back.
- Oh, my God! If you're gonna get your Walgreens panties in a bunch over a soda, then just take it! [GASPS.]
- Are you insane? - [SIGHS.]
[DUST RUSTLING.]
[BLOWS AND COUGHS.]
[GASPS.]
Asbestos! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [WHIMPERING.]
[COUGHING.]
Tear it down So how'd you find the asbestos? She threw a soda at me and put a hole in the wall.
Huh.
Weird way to become a hero.
[REVELATORY SWELL.]
The good news is the contamination should be confined to Mrs.
Adler's trailer.
Then why are you wearing that? Oh, this old thing? Just a precaution.
But since Ms.
Snap did uncover asbestos I believe the fire marshal used the word "hero.
" I told everyone he said that, right? Several times.
I don't know that I would use that word.
I mean, I think you guys should, but I was just reacting on instinct.
By throwing a can of soda at my head? Where's Caroline? No.
No.
No, no, no, no.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Why did we have to teach at a public school? [GAGS.]
Are you sick from asbestos exposure? Don't be an idiot.
I just have an upset stomach.
Probably from having a coworker assault me.
Though if I hadn't thrown that can, imagine how many children would have perished.
Is Deb at risk of getting cancer? Because of the liability guidelines, I'm obligated to say, "Of course not.
" What'll happen to my trailer? It's going to be towed to a toxic waste dump and lit on fire by the end of the week.
Don't worry, Deb.
Personally, I found being classless very liberating.
Really? Because you've been a real Negative Nelly about it for the last eight months.
I know you think when you say things like Negative Nelly, you're getting away with something, but I know the subtext is, "You're a straight-up bitch-ass [BLEEP.]
.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Good one.
Well, someone's only laughing because they overdosed on breakfast brownies.
Narc! I will cut you! Some slack because it's the end of the school year and tensions are running high.
Ladies, please.
It's toxic enough around here.
So can I go get the supplies out of my trailer before they tow it away? Most of them are also contaminated, but we did manage to salvage some things.
At least they recovered my favorite picture of Wasabi.
That's a mistake.
Contaminated item found outside hot zone.
Requesting immediate disposal.
Fortunately for all of us, Fire Marshal Brownstein has agreed to stay on site to make sure there's no more asbestos.
Is that plastic bag rated for hazardous materials? Sure.
Thanks, Marshal.
Just in case you missed it, that's the well-respected community leader that called me a hero.
So when's my new trailer getting here? There is no money in the budget for that.
And since we're so close to the end of the school year What are you saying? - Where am I supposed to teach? - [INHALING.]
- Don't say the cafeteria.
- [SHARP INHALE.]
Please don't say the cafeteria.
You'll be adjacent to the food preparation area.
That's the cafeteria! - The dust bowl - [UTENSILS CLANGING.]
drove countless families out west.
- [CLANGING.]
- Where they were crammed into camps and had to deal with truly demoralizing working conditions.
[CLANGING.]
Lloyd, I'm trying to teach over here.
It's okay.
I talked to the other guys and we know.
- We have to put up with it.
- That's not what I meant.
[CLANGING.]
- Sup, Deb.
- What are you doing here? We always do lunch early.
Some of my kids have low blood sugar issues.
Okay.
I have low blood sugar issues.
You got me.
I just like to get the tater tots while they're still crispy.
[KIDS CHANTING.]
Lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch! - Lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch! - [CHEERING.]
This is more like it.
[EXHALES.]
Fresh air.
No noise.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
- [PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
[URINE SPATTERING.]
[GASPS.]
- Oh! - Get out! - Oh, oh! I'm sorry! - Get out! Get out! Get out! - I'm try - Get out! - Get out! Get out! - I'm trying! - Get out! - [EXHALES.]
I want you to wear these asbestos remembrance ribbons in tribute to all those who would've died if not for the actions of me.
That way we'll never forget Mrs.
Adler's class.
[CHUCKLES.]
How can we forget them? They're right outside.
[THUNDER BOOMING.]
Oh, good.
They found a tree.
Shouldn't we see if they want to come inside? No, Nora, we have to finish these ribbons so they're never forgotten.
[SCOFFS.]
Hey, Pearson! I need a classroom! Now! [VOMIT SPATTERS.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Hi, Ms.
Bennigan.
Has this wall stripe always been here? Listen.
I'm sorry about what happened before.
I promise it'll never happen again.
Before? I have no idea what you're talking about.
I don't remember anything that happened before, and if I did remember something that happened before, I surely would not want to talk about it.
The cafeteria and playground didn't work.
So all of you are gonna have to take turns sharing your classrooms with Mrs.
Adler's class.
No.
We need privacy! And our own classrooms.
It's gonna be crowded.
I got big kids in my class.
You're the one who should take them, Mary Louise.
Like Jesus said, "When you're here, you're family.
" That's not Jesus.
That's the Olive Garden! Why don't you take them? I already saved them.
Now you want me to take care of them, too? Ugh.
You all need to learn what preschoolers already know and share.
Easy for you to say.
You don't even have a classroom, you dirty hippie.
Should we even be mingling with the asbesti children? The children are not contaminated.
- They look contaminated.
- They're trailer children.
They always look like that.
No one is contaminated.
Except for Deb, right? Mrs.
Adler simply had a bout of nausea after eating at the cafeteria.
It isn't unusual.
Now, I know this isn't gonna be easy, but I'm asking all the teachers to just make it work.
Where's Ms.
Watson? [PANTING.]
You know, I am not sure, but I do know that Caroline would love to host - Mrs.
Adler's class.
- Good.
Thanks for unsealing your classroom for us, Caroline.
This has been a really difficult time for me.
Uh-huh.
And now it's a really difficult time for all of us.
- [EXHALES.]
- Okay.
Today, we're going to discuss - this classic - [TAPE CRUNCHING.]
Of American literature.
Let's get started.
So! When two circles are overlapping like this, we say they're intersecting.
Now, when lines come off of the circles, we call those Sorry, uh, but none of the markers on this side of the board work.
Take this one.
- Let's start by talking - [TAPE CRUNCHING.]
- About - [TAPE CRUNCHES.]
- The story - [TAPE CRUNCHES.]
- Characters - [TAPE CRUNCHES.]
- And theme.
- [TAPE CRUNCHES.]
- [SHRIEKS.]
- Damn it, Caroline! Stop treating us like we're in "Outbreak!" [CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
[DRAMATIC STING.]
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
Get out! As you can see, we have some visitors today.
My students, find a seat.
You might have to get creative.
[CLATTERING.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, dear! Your student broke my old-timey farmer diorama.
You mean, the nativity scene you were illegally displaying on school property? No! No.
This isn't Jesus.
He's just a stable baby.
And this is the farmer and his wife Call it whatever you want.
My student just prevented you from getting fired.
Get out! [DRAMATIC STING.]
Me casa room es su casa room.
I really appreciate it.
Get in here, dawg.
They raided my secret candy stash? I wasn't watching.
I guess they didn't know it was off limits.
[GRUNTS.]
- [RETCHING.]
- Oh.
Great.
Now you're rubbing it in my face that you're dying.
My Twizzlers? - Get out! - Ugh.
[WOODY GUTHRIE'S "I AIN'T GO NO HOME IN THIS WORLD ANYMORE".]
Excuse me! The hallways are mine! And there ain't nobody home No, no Hey, Ms.
Bennigan.
Uh, could we talk? You're clearly still upset.
I'm not upset.
Yes, whenever I sit on a toilet, I feel exposed and vulnerable, and I'm not sure how to live my day-to-day life, or how I will explain to my future husband that another man has already seen my front-bottom, but no! I'm not upset! [GENTLE MUSIC.]
Remember, Ms.
Snap can never be too thin.
Let's not go crazy with the clay, people.
I thought we were going to work on our history projects today.
This is history, Nora.
Ms.
Snap will be remembered with all the other great heroes.
Harriet Tubman, Susan B.
Anthony, Kylie Jenner.
She completely transformed her face and body.
She's been two successful people.
Mm.
Now keep sculpting.
Hey, Deb.
We want to help you with your situation.
We were all just sitting around talking about how we need to get you out of our classrooms ASAP.
And how your lack of respect for other people and poor manners is reflected in your students.
And how they break into anything like raccoons.
I'm sorry.
I thought this conversation - was to help me.
- We're getting there! Also, you're really abrasive and rude.
- Sorry, that was just for me.
- Seriously? After we got all that off our chests, we started thinking how difficult this must be for you and your students a wandering tribe with no place to call home.
And we decided to have a fundraiser to buy you a new trailer.
We've always been there for each other when one of us has had a hard time, and we want to be there for you, too, Deb.
Thanks.
I was beginning to think you guys all hated me.
Just because your little toxic avengers ate all my top-shelf candy from the good gas station? That'd be crazy.
- Aw.
- Aww! So crazy.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
The crap parents buy is so weird.
There's a basket over there that's just filled with hotel soap.
Thank you.
Ciao! Okay! The Great American Pasta Company is in.
Let's put their gift certificate in a one of the baskets with a box of Chianti and we'll call it, "An Italian Night in Skokie.
" - Got it.
- Did everyone come up with something to auction off? "Vegan Cooking Without Tears: A night free of animal murder with Cecelia Cannon.
" "Infinity and the Bible: "A six-part, twelve-hour lecture series with Mary Louise Bennigan.
" "How to Pretend You Have Glaucoma In Order To Get "Your Medical Marijuana Card: An informational download from Feldman.
" - Okay, I don't think - "Weekly Wednesday Wiccan Workshops.
" Alliteration.
You're welcome.
Those are all lame.
Wait until you hear about my idea.
I'll be right back! [GAGGING.]
If she's this sick now, imagine what she'd be like if I hadn't found the asbestos - when I did.
- You mean two days ago? Could be the difference between death and a long, lingering illness leading to death.
- My item is so goo - Ms.
Bennigan? Can I speak to you for a moment? [DRAMATIC STING.]
So, not only did I install another lock, but there's a sign here now.
Can you see that? Tells you whether or not the door is locked from both sides of the door.
Thank you.
I've been driving a half-hour to use the bathroom at McDonald's on my lunch break.
A couple of times, I didn't make it.
Oh.
- Do you have to go? - Yeah.
Okay.
Do I hear any more bids for the murder-free cooking class? It's sure to be very ethical.
[GASPS.]
There we go! Going once.
Going twice.
Sold for $250! - Thank you.
- [APPLAUSE.]
Just a reminder: Caroline Watson's crafting circle is filling up really fast.
She is a crafty minx! Our next item comes from third grade teacher, Chelsea Snap, who is offering an hour with a hero.
- Did I read that correctly? - That's right.
I am the Sully of Chicagoland.
Okay.
This item is valued at $3,000? But let's start the bidding at $25.
25? Okay.
No.
Come on now, people.
This is an hour with a hero.
I don't know if you know this, but I was the person who uncovered the asbestos.
- Wait? It's your fault - Mrs.
Adler's sick? No.
I saved her.
You're welcome.
Your irresponsible behavior contaminated my child's classroom! - What? - This is all your fault! - Yeah! - No, no, no, no, no.
Wait.
You should be worshipping me.
I am a hero! Fire Marshal Brownstein said so.
- I mean that ironically.
- No, no, no, no.
I am a hero! I will always be a hero! I was born a hero and I'll die a hero! I'll show you! - We're closing in on $10,000.
- Oh, that's great news! - Awesome! - My own brand-new trailer.
Thanks again, you guys.
- Last call for the cakewalk! - [GAVEL BANGS.]
You know what? Let's do it together.
ALL: Yeah! Is that an Anthropologie gift card? Yup.
- Comes with the cake.
- Whoa! This cakewalk just got real.
Land on the star and you win a cake! [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
I won? [GASPS.]
Oh, my God! This has turned into the best day! I feel so loved and so lucky.
Haven't you taken enough? [ROCK MUSIC.]
We've reached our goal! Let's give a hand to the ladies who made this happen! - [APPLAUSE.]
- Ow! - Guys! - [STRUGGLING GRUNTS.]
- Give it to me! - Ow! Ow! Ow! [SIGHS.]
There was a gift card.
Hiyah! Ugh.
Ms.
Snap! What are you doing? I found it once, I'll find it again! - Stop! - Ah! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? I already checked this hall for asbestos.
I think.
No! Girl, you got to do something about that bush.
Can't wait to see my new trailer.
Is that shirt from Anthropologie? Oh, my God.
Crazy, right? I never thought I would wear a bird print, but something about that store - It's okay, girl.
You deserve it.
- Totally.
Especially after the way we behaved.
I'm just surprised you're still talking to us.
Hey, it's that time of year, but we're getting through it together.
Oh, darn it.
I wanted to see your face when you saw the new trailer.
- That's not a new trailer.
- Yes, it is.
Your old trailer was full of asbestos.
Now the asbestos has been removed, so it's as good as new.
But we raised all that money.
We had to use the remainder to repair a bunch of holes that some nutjob punched into the walls.
They were probably just misunderstood.
Sorry you didn't get a new trailer, girl.
It's okay.
If I got through last week, I can get through the next three.
Then it's vacation, and I don't care if I ever see another kid as long as I live.
Why couldn't it have been asbestos poisoning? Just so you know, I'll be using the McDonald's bathroom from now on.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Thank you, Chelsea Snap You put a hole right through the wall You found the asbestos And then you saved them all The things that Chelsea rescued Like a flame in the breeze Asbestos hero She never blinked an eye Asbestos hero Without a little cry Asbestos hero I love her Oh, yeah.
Hey, girl.
This is weird.
What are you doing here? I just wanted to swing by and say hello.
- Catch up.
- Oh.
That's actually nice.
How are you holding up? Ugh.
Barely surviving.
I keep telling myself, "Just four more weeks till summer.
" I know! Yesterday, I showed my class "Sex and the City 2" to teach them about Mid-Eastern geography.
I love my class, but come on! It has been eight months.
That's, like, three times the length of a healthy relationship.
Oh, well.
Great chatting with you.
Oh, my God! You didn't come here to talk.
You just wanted to gank one of my sodas! What? No.
I just thought as long as we were hanging out, I would help myself.
Give it back.
- Seriously? - Maybe if you'd asked first.
Okay, Deb, can I have one of your dumb sodas? - No! Give it back.
- Oh, my God! If you're gonna get your Walgreens panties in a bunch over a soda, then just take it! [GASPS.]
- Are you insane? - [SIGHS.]
[DUST RUSTLING.]
[BLOWS AND COUGHS.]
[GASPS.]
Asbestos! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [WHIMPERING.]
[COUGHING.]
Tear it down So how'd you find the asbestos? She threw a soda at me and put a hole in the wall.
Huh.
Weird way to become a hero.
[REVELATORY SWELL.]
The good news is the contamination should be confined to Mrs.
Adler's trailer.
Then why are you wearing that? Oh, this old thing? Just a precaution.
But since Ms.
Snap did uncover asbestos I believe the fire marshal used the word "hero.
" I told everyone he said that, right? Several times.
I don't know that I would use that word.
I mean, I think you guys should, but I was just reacting on instinct.
By throwing a can of soda at my head? Where's Caroline? No.
No.
No, no, no, no.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Why did we have to teach at a public school? [GAGS.]
Are you sick from asbestos exposure? Don't be an idiot.
I just have an upset stomach.
Probably from having a coworker assault me.
Though if I hadn't thrown that can, imagine how many children would have perished.
Is Deb at risk of getting cancer? Because of the liability guidelines, I'm obligated to say, "Of course not.
" What'll happen to my trailer? It's going to be towed to a toxic waste dump and lit on fire by the end of the week.
Don't worry, Deb.
Personally, I found being classless very liberating.
Really? Because you've been a real Negative Nelly about it for the last eight months.
I know you think when you say things like Negative Nelly, you're getting away with something, but I know the subtext is, "You're a straight-up bitch-ass [BLEEP.]
.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Good one.
Well, someone's only laughing because they overdosed on breakfast brownies.
Narc! I will cut you! Some slack because it's the end of the school year and tensions are running high.
Ladies, please.
It's toxic enough around here.
So can I go get the supplies out of my trailer before they tow it away? Most of them are also contaminated, but we did manage to salvage some things.
At least they recovered my favorite picture of Wasabi.
That's a mistake.
Contaminated item found outside hot zone.
Requesting immediate disposal.
Fortunately for all of us, Fire Marshal Brownstein has agreed to stay on site to make sure there's no more asbestos.
Is that plastic bag rated for hazardous materials? Sure.
Thanks, Marshal.
Just in case you missed it, that's the well-respected community leader that called me a hero.
So when's my new trailer getting here? There is no money in the budget for that.
And since we're so close to the end of the school year What are you saying? - Where am I supposed to teach? - [INHALING.]
- Don't say the cafeteria.
- [SHARP INHALE.]
Please don't say the cafeteria.
You'll be adjacent to the food preparation area.
That's the cafeteria! - The dust bowl - [UTENSILS CLANGING.]
drove countless families out west.
- [CLANGING.]
- Where they were crammed into camps and had to deal with truly demoralizing working conditions.
[CLANGING.]
Lloyd, I'm trying to teach over here.
It's okay.
I talked to the other guys and we know.
- We have to put up with it.
- That's not what I meant.
[CLANGING.]
- Sup, Deb.
- What are you doing here? We always do lunch early.
Some of my kids have low blood sugar issues.
Okay.
I have low blood sugar issues.
You got me.
I just like to get the tater tots while they're still crispy.
[KIDS CHANTING.]
Lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch! - Lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch! - [CHEERING.]
This is more like it.
[EXHALES.]
Fresh air.
No noise.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
- [PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
[URINE SPATTERING.]
[GASPS.]
- Oh! - Get out! - Oh, oh! I'm sorry! - Get out! Get out! Get out! - I'm try - Get out! - Get out! Get out! - I'm trying! - Get out! - [EXHALES.]
I want you to wear these asbestos remembrance ribbons in tribute to all those who would've died if not for the actions of me.
That way we'll never forget Mrs.
Adler's class.
[CHUCKLES.]
How can we forget them? They're right outside.
[THUNDER BOOMING.]
Oh, good.
They found a tree.
Shouldn't we see if they want to come inside? No, Nora, we have to finish these ribbons so they're never forgotten.
[SCOFFS.]
Hey, Pearson! I need a classroom! Now! [VOMIT SPATTERS.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Hi, Ms.
Bennigan.
Has this wall stripe always been here? Listen.
I'm sorry about what happened before.
I promise it'll never happen again.
Before? I have no idea what you're talking about.
I don't remember anything that happened before, and if I did remember something that happened before, I surely would not want to talk about it.
The cafeteria and playground didn't work.
So all of you are gonna have to take turns sharing your classrooms with Mrs.
Adler's class.
No.
We need privacy! And our own classrooms.
It's gonna be crowded.
I got big kids in my class.
You're the one who should take them, Mary Louise.
Like Jesus said, "When you're here, you're family.
" That's not Jesus.
That's the Olive Garden! Why don't you take them? I already saved them.
Now you want me to take care of them, too? Ugh.
You all need to learn what preschoolers already know and share.
Easy for you to say.
You don't even have a classroom, you dirty hippie.
Should we even be mingling with the asbesti children? The children are not contaminated.
- They look contaminated.
- They're trailer children.
They always look like that.
No one is contaminated.
Except for Deb, right? Mrs.
Adler simply had a bout of nausea after eating at the cafeteria.
It isn't unusual.
Now, I know this isn't gonna be easy, but I'm asking all the teachers to just make it work.
Where's Ms.
Watson? [PANTING.]
You know, I am not sure, but I do know that Caroline would love to host - Mrs.
Adler's class.
- Good.
Thanks for unsealing your classroom for us, Caroline.
This has been a really difficult time for me.
Uh-huh.
And now it's a really difficult time for all of us.
- [EXHALES.]
- Okay.
Today, we're going to discuss - this classic - [TAPE CRUNCHING.]
Of American literature.
Let's get started.
So! When two circles are overlapping like this, we say they're intersecting.
Now, when lines come off of the circles, we call those Sorry, uh, but none of the markers on this side of the board work.
Take this one.
- Let's start by talking - [TAPE CRUNCHING.]
- About - [TAPE CRUNCHES.]
- The story - [TAPE CRUNCHES.]
- Characters - [TAPE CRUNCHES.]
- And theme.
- [TAPE CRUNCHES.]
- [SHRIEKS.]
- Damn it, Caroline! Stop treating us like we're in "Outbreak!" [CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
[DRAMATIC STING.]
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
Get out! As you can see, we have some visitors today.
My students, find a seat.
You might have to get creative.
[CLATTERING.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, dear! Your student broke my old-timey farmer diorama.
You mean, the nativity scene you were illegally displaying on school property? No! No.
This isn't Jesus.
He's just a stable baby.
And this is the farmer and his wife Call it whatever you want.
My student just prevented you from getting fired.
Get out! [DRAMATIC STING.]
Me casa room es su casa room.
I really appreciate it.
Get in here, dawg.
They raided my secret candy stash? I wasn't watching.
I guess they didn't know it was off limits.
[GRUNTS.]
- [RETCHING.]
- Oh.
Great.
Now you're rubbing it in my face that you're dying.
My Twizzlers? - Get out! - Ugh.
[WOODY GUTHRIE'S "I AIN'T GO NO HOME IN THIS WORLD ANYMORE".]
Excuse me! The hallways are mine! And there ain't nobody home No, no Hey, Ms.
Bennigan.
Uh, could we talk? You're clearly still upset.
I'm not upset.
Yes, whenever I sit on a toilet, I feel exposed and vulnerable, and I'm not sure how to live my day-to-day life, or how I will explain to my future husband that another man has already seen my front-bottom, but no! I'm not upset! [GENTLE MUSIC.]
Remember, Ms.
Snap can never be too thin.
Let's not go crazy with the clay, people.
I thought we were going to work on our history projects today.
This is history, Nora.
Ms.
Snap will be remembered with all the other great heroes.
Harriet Tubman, Susan B.
Anthony, Kylie Jenner.
She completely transformed her face and body.
She's been two successful people.
Mm.
Now keep sculpting.
Hey, Deb.
We want to help you with your situation.
We were all just sitting around talking about how we need to get you out of our classrooms ASAP.
And how your lack of respect for other people and poor manners is reflected in your students.
And how they break into anything like raccoons.
I'm sorry.
I thought this conversation - was to help me.
- We're getting there! Also, you're really abrasive and rude.
- Sorry, that was just for me.
- Seriously? After we got all that off our chests, we started thinking how difficult this must be for you and your students a wandering tribe with no place to call home.
And we decided to have a fundraiser to buy you a new trailer.
We've always been there for each other when one of us has had a hard time, and we want to be there for you, too, Deb.
Thanks.
I was beginning to think you guys all hated me.
Just because your little toxic avengers ate all my top-shelf candy from the good gas station? That'd be crazy.
- Aw.
- Aww! So crazy.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
The crap parents buy is so weird.
There's a basket over there that's just filled with hotel soap.
Thank you.
Ciao! Okay! The Great American Pasta Company is in.
Let's put their gift certificate in a one of the baskets with a box of Chianti and we'll call it, "An Italian Night in Skokie.
" - Got it.
- Did everyone come up with something to auction off? "Vegan Cooking Without Tears: A night free of animal murder with Cecelia Cannon.
" "Infinity and the Bible: "A six-part, twelve-hour lecture series with Mary Louise Bennigan.
" "How to Pretend You Have Glaucoma In Order To Get "Your Medical Marijuana Card: An informational download from Feldman.
" - Okay, I don't think - "Weekly Wednesday Wiccan Workshops.
" Alliteration.
You're welcome.
Those are all lame.
Wait until you hear about my idea.
I'll be right back! [GAGGING.]
If she's this sick now, imagine what she'd be like if I hadn't found the asbestos - when I did.
- You mean two days ago? Could be the difference between death and a long, lingering illness leading to death.
- My item is so goo - Ms.
Bennigan? Can I speak to you for a moment? [DRAMATIC STING.]
So, not only did I install another lock, but there's a sign here now.
Can you see that? Tells you whether or not the door is locked from both sides of the door.
Thank you.
I've been driving a half-hour to use the bathroom at McDonald's on my lunch break.
A couple of times, I didn't make it.
Oh.
- Do you have to go? - Yeah.
Okay.
Do I hear any more bids for the murder-free cooking class? It's sure to be very ethical.
[GASPS.]
There we go! Going once.
Going twice.
Sold for $250! - Thank you.
- [APPLAUSE.]
Just a reminder: Caroline Watson's crafting circle is filling up really fast.
She is a crafty minx! Our next item comes from third grade teacher, Chelsea Snap, who is offering an hour with a hero.
- Did I read that correctly? - That's right.
I am the Sully of Chicagoland.
Okay.
This item is valued at $3,000? But let's start the bidding at $25.
25? Okay.
No.
Come on now, people.
This is an hour with a hero.
I don't know if you know this, but I was the person who uncovered the asbestos.
- Wait? It's your fault - Mrs.
Adler's sick? No.
I saved her.
You're welcome.
Your irresponsible behavior contaminated my child's classroom! - What? - This is all your fault! - Yeah! - No, no, no, no, no.
Wait.
You should be worshipping me.
I am a hero! Fire Marshal Brownstein said so.
- I mean that ironically.
- No, no, no, no.
I am a hero! I will always be a hero! I was born a hero and I'll die a hero! I'll show you! - We're closing in on $10,000.
- Oh, that's great news! - Awesome! - My own brand-new trailer.
Thanks again, you guys.
- Last call for the cakewalk! - [GAVEL BANGS.]
You know what? Let's do it together.
ALL: Yeah! Is that an Anthropologie gift card? Yup.
- Comes with the cake.
- Whoa! This cakewalk just got real.
Land on the star and you win a cake! [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
I won? [GASPS.]
Oh, my God! This has turned into the best day! I feel so loved and so lucky.
Haven't you taken enough? [ROCK MUSIC.]
We've reached our goal! Let's give a hand to the ladies who made this happen! - [APPLAUSE.]
- Ow! - Guys! - [STRUGGLING GRUNTS.]
- Give it to me! - Ow! Ow! Ow! [SIGHS.]
There was a gift card.
Hiyah! Ugh.
Ms.
Snap! What are you doing? I found it once, I'll find it again! - Stop! - Ah! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? I already checked this hall for asbestos.
I think.
No! Girl, you got to do something about that bush.
Can't wait to see my new trailer.
Is that shirt from Anthropologie? Oh, my God.
Crazy, right? I never thought I would wear a bird print, but something about that store - It's okay, girl.
You deserve it.
- Totally.
Especially after the way we behaved.
I'm just surprised you're still talking to us.
Hey, it's that time of year, but we're getting through it together.
Oh, darn it.
I wanted to see your face when you saw the new trailer.
- That's not a new trailer.
- Yes, it is.
Your old trailer was full of asbestos.
Now the asbestos has been removed, so it's as good as new.
But we raised all that money.
We had to use the remainder to repair a bunch of holes that some nutjob punched into the walls.
They were probably just misunderstood.
Sorry you didn't get a new trailer, girl.
It's okay.
If I got through last week, I can get through the next three.
Then it's vacation, and I don't care if I ever see another kid as long as I live.
Why couldn't it have been asbestos poisoning? Just so you know, I'll be using the McDonald's bathroom from now on.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Thank you, Chelsea Snap You put a hole right through the wall You found the asbestos And then you saved them all The things that Chelsea rescued Like a flame in the breeze Asbestos hero She never blinked an eye Asbestos hero Without a little cry Asbestos hero I love her Oh, yeah.