That '70s Show s02e18 Episode Script

Man, where the hell is Eric? I gotta get outta here before Jackie finds me.
What did you do now? She’s mad because I didn’t say love you after lunch.
I say it all day long, after gym “love you Jackie”, after algebra “love you Jackie”.
After I say love you Jackie I say love you Jackie! It sickens me! Hey man, check it out, foggy windows! Bummer, someone must have left their hot lucheon in the car.
No you idiot, someone is in there making out man! Patty! PATTY: Hyde! Hey, how ya’ doin’ ? Super.
PATTY: Okay, wel I’ll see ya’ Hey didn’t you go out with that girl? I don’t think so.
Yeah, that’s the girl that dogged you on that blind date! - Kelso, who cares?! Hey let’s see what loser she ended up with.
- Yeah.
Hallo.
BURN! Hey man, that’s a burn! Eric honey? I was thinking maybe tomorrow night we could go shopping, just the two of us.
Why? Well because we need to get you some new shoes and some underwear.
Kitty, we bought him shoes last year.
Yeah, and I can shop for my own underwear.
Oh no you cannot.
The last time you went you bought them too snug and I want grandchildren.
Yeah Well I have to Bye! You know, he used to love going shopping with me.
- Well Kitty he’s sixteen - Seventeen.
Whatever, the point is when a boy hits that age, they don’t wanna spend time with their mother.
And if they do, they’re weird! It’s not a big deal.
Well it is a big deal to me Red Forman! It is a big deal! Okay Well I justI just wish sometimes he would want to spend time with me.
Well force him! It doens’t matter what he wants, as long as we’re paying his way, we own him.
Fez has a girlfriend? Our little Fez? You’re kidding! I mean GOOD! That he was so in love with me was getting embarrassing.
Riiiight.
So anyways, you guys.
How do you know when you need new underwear? Uhif you're askingyou need new underwear.
Oh good, people are here.
I want you to meet my GIRLFRIEND Patty.
This is Eric, Eric this is my GIRLFRIEND, this is Donna, Donna this is my.
giiiirlfriend So you guys are just friends? Nooooo Donna! Fez, I'm kidding! How's it going Patty? PATTY: Good.
I have to be honest with you people, Patty and I were just outside making out, beacuse Patty's my giiiiiirlfriend.
Hi I'm Jackie, I'm sure Fez has told all about me! PATTY: Uhm no, no your name never came up.
What?! Wellwhatever.
Okay, isn't this pleasant.
Patty have a seat.
Fez, she's lovely, I'm impressed.
Uhm Jackie, I'm really to busy right now, okay thank you So Hyde, what is with Fez and that girl? Did you really go out with her? Yeah, no biggie.
She sucked anyway, he can have her.
So Fez has a girlfriend? Still, what's that about Fez snagging a girl away from you, I never thought I'd see the day.
So what's she like? It's just so twilightzone, I mean, to see Fez and Eric! Your mother asked you a question about the foreign kid.
What? Oh.
Never mind.
Okay, that's it.
Eric, you're gonna spend some time with your mother.
What did I do?! Red! Don't make it sound like a punishment! Well it is! Red! You can look at it any way you want, but it's gonna happen dammit! Wait, wait, is this because I didn't want to go shopping with mom? You don't wanna go shopping with your mom?! Boy, I tell ya, if I had a mom, I would go shopping with her every single day, because no one loves you like your mom.
That's true Eric honey, we don't have to go shopping.
We could go see a movie.
It'll be like a little date.
No no no! Shopping's great! You know I uh need new underwear so I think a date is a great idea.
Hey, you guys should go see Annie Hall, I think you'll just love it Mrs.
Forman.
See, Stephen's helping out.
Thank you Stephen.
Now Annie Hall, I would like to see that movie.
Oh Eric's just dying to see that movie.
ButI don't JUST DYING! PATTY: Uhm I guess Fez really got me with all of the poems he left at my locker.
Ohhh that is so romantic! PATTY: Well doesn't Kelso write you poems? No.
No, but hes not foreign.
Hey can we talk about something interesting? Like Donny Osmond? Hey you guys, The Eagles are on Don Caruso's rock concert tonight.
Man, I'm gonna miss The Eagles tonight because I got a I'm busy.
Do we have a date tonight? No I wish.
I'm going to a movie.
With my mom.
He's got a special night out with mommy.
Hey, maybe you'll get lucky.
And your mom will pay for the movie!! God, you people are sick! Patty, you know we should really go to the mall together, I can introduce you Are you ready darling? Excuse me Fez, I was talking.
Oh I know Jackie.
You are always talking.
- OH! - BURN! Sorry, I just appreciate a good burn! So, where are you guys going? We are going to the Red Lobster for a romantic dinner of red lobster.
PATTY: See you guys later! Okay, I don't like her.
And I don't see why we have to be so nice to her.
Just because she is dating someone in our group.
Bites the big one doesn't it? Well I gotta go to work.
Am I right Donna? Don't you hate her? Not really Jackie, I kinda like her.
Hey what was that for?! That's for not writing me poems Michael! .
love you Jackie Leo, did you take your turn yet man? LEO: No man, I can't decide between 'college' or 'career'.
Well we can't start until you decide, so choose man, or I'll start working.
LEO: Hey, don't rush me man, this decision is gonna effect the rest of my life.
Go to college.
LEO: Okay.
But what if those frat-guys make fun of my hair? And beat me up like, like fascists and stuff.
Well then just start a career.
LEO: I can't let those frat-guys get away with it man.
Leo man, it's just a game.
LEO: Yeah, Life is hard.
Well now see, I didn't know that you liked green peppers.
When did that happen? August 5th, 1972.
I mean, I mean do you like green peppers? Why yes I do.
Very much.
So how is Donna? What?! We haven't done anything yet.
What? Relax! I'm not here to grill you about your life Eric.
But you know, young adults do have a responsibility MOM! Please! Honey, you may not realise it right now, but I'm actually doing you a giant favour by making you spend time with me.
Well, thank you.
No no no, I mean it.
Boys who reject their mothers grow up to have huge problems.
You will hate yourself.
And every relationship you have with a woman will just be a mess.
So, if you don't spend time with me now, you may never have sex.
Hahahahaha! I'm teasing! A little.
Aha Hey, look how far Florence is from Venice Eric, honey, I just wanted to spend a little time alone with you outside of the house.
That's all.
Mom, that's fine.
And in fact, you know what, this is great.
BOY: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyy!! Forman is out on a date! With his mom! Forman and his mom! Forman and his mom! My goodness, that Woody Allen is neurotic.
Well if I lived in New York I'd be in therapy too.
The streets are filthy.
WOW, Diane Keaton is NOT wearing a bra.
Okay, don't let your mom see you look.
But I have to look.
I'm looking.
I'm looking and I don't care! Oh please.
He expects her to make love while he is wearing those black socks? Note to self, throw away all black socks.
Mah Jong? What the hell is Mah Jong? Mah Jong? What the hell is Mah Jong? Okay, an aspirine the size of a brick.
Now that is funny! Finally, a scene without sex! Oh greatdrugs.
Thank you Woody Allen.
Huh, I guess cocaine is expensive.
I'm finally getting the feeling back in my jaw.
I don't get that, I mean he was just in bed with her and OHokay I see.
Oh God, I hope my mom doens't get that.
Oh I wonder if Eric gets that.
Well, I'm not gonna explain it to him.
So now, Patty is seeing Fez, and I just don't get it.
She could have had me.
I'm a real catch man.
LEO: Allriiiiight! I had twins man! Oh look they're so beautiful! Congratulations.
LEO: Thanks man.
Hey I don't want to be competitive or anything man, but I've got two kids and you don't have any.
You're just a lonely plummer dude.
It wouldn't be so bad, but it's Fez.
I taught him everything he knows.
It's all backwards man.
LEO: I guess you just can't dwell on things man.
Yeah, maybe I shoud just be happy for Fez, I mean, it's the first time in his whole life that he's ever had a girl you know.
LEO:Yeah you know, a while back I picked up a card you know, and I had a car accident.
And uh I was dwelling on that man.
I'm sorry, what were you talking about? Maybe I should get back to work.
LEO: If you get back to work you're fired man Hey I got twins again man! Just admit it Donna! Patty is totally wrong for Fez.
Well Jackie, I have never seen you quite this transparant before.
What are you talking about? She is so awful Donna, let's hate her forever Donna! Let's shave her head and run around town Donna! Focus Donna! We're ragging up Patty, remember.
Jackie did you ever think that maybe you hate Patty because you like Fez? Oh you are in dangerous territory Pinciotti! No, I mean, it's true.
You hate seeing Fez drool over someone other then you.
You're crazy, I don't like Fez.
I think you do.
Oh shut up.
Jackie, you're blushing! Oww! Look, I'll admit that Fez would be okay for a quick fling if I was off on a vacation with my parents in Michigan or Cuba.
Where no-one would ever find out.
Ever, ever, ever!! Fez and Jackie sitting in a tree Mr.
and Mrs.
Fez.
Fez? Donna, please, please shut up! Jackie you are so totally hot for him I can see it in your eyes.
Oh my God, OH MY GOD! I like Fez! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Well boy, wasn't that fun, seeing all those sex-scenes with your mother.
Oh it was super sexy.
I'm so glad we could enjoy that together, really I am.
So I guess women in New York don't wear bras.
It's disgusting.
And we should move there immidiately.
Well I don't know about you but I've seen enough nipples for one day.
Mom! What? I don't ever want to hear you say nipples okay? Why not? Men have nipples.
- Your father has nipples! - NO! He does not! Okay.
So, what was your favourite part of the movie? I don't wanna tell you Oh come on! Okay, uhm, Diane Keaton's nipples! LEO: Okay, pay me.
Leo, I gotta help the customer man, I think he's gonna drive away.
LEO: Let him go, I don't need his stinkin' photo money.
I'm a doctor! Okay man, you know what, that's it.
This game is over man.
This is not life! THIS is life LEO: Yeah but this life is so much better then this life! In the game, I've got kids man.
In real life my kids split on me.
Really man? LEO: Yeah.
My parents split on me.
LEO: Oh wow, and now we've found eachother.
Hey do you wanna be my father? Sure.
LEO: Okay, go ahead and spin 'dad'! Maybe Mah Jong is a type of food.
Oh you know what, you could be right, it's probably Chinese noodles.
Yes! Hey, you wanna go see Close Encounter sometime? Yeah I'd love to! Very cool.
Goodnight mom Oh what did he do?! I swear I'll kick his ass!! No he was justhe was absolutely wonderful.
Oh Okay ERIC/WOODY: Is something wrong? DONNA/DIANE: No, why? ERIC/WOODY: I don't know, it's justyouit's you seem very removed.
DONNA/DIANE: No I'm fine.
ERIC/WOODY: Are you sure? DONNA/DIANE: Uhuh.
ERIC/WOODY: You know, maybe it's me, but you do, you seem very removed.
DONNA/DIANE (ghost): Eric have you seen my geometrybook? Cause when you two are doing that I might as well do some homework.
ERIC/WOODY: You see?! This is what I call being removed! Donna, when we're making out, you're not thinking about like.
.
geometry and stuff are you? Never.
Unless I have a test the next day.
You know I think you did the sweetest thing in the world to go out with your mom.
Thank you.
- So did Mommy buy you new underpants? - Okay! Let me see the underpants! Let me see it!!