The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e18 Episode Script

Come on, Speed, Drew's only been
outta town a couple of days.
You gotta eat.
He's been eatin',
I've been feedin' him.
No, I've been feedin' him.
No, I've been feeding..
So, he's been eatin'
nine meals a day?
I wonder if that's
how it started with Drew.
Hey, how was Vegas?
No matter what happened, buddy,
you look like a winner.
- Yeah.
- Well, first of all..
let me thank Kate for
driving away from the airport
with my luggage
still in her trunk.
Hey, does this look familiar?
Oh, my God!
I thought that was just a really
passionate wave goodbye.
Wait a minute, so you wore
that to the convention?
Well, the first day.
Second day, I did this.
Third day was a little warm
so I decided to go
a little Caribbean
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
Well, now I can take
the islands of my wish list.
Why didn't
you just buy a shirt?
- I lost a little money.
- What?
I lost all my money, okay?
It was the weirdest weekend
I ever had in my life
except for that time I ate
that mushroom on a nature walk.
Come on and tell us,
what was so weird.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay, but you gotta promise
not to tell anybody else
not even my parents.
Oh, Drew, this isn't
one of those stories
that involves a nice dress,
an Adam's apple
and big hands, is it?
Hey, my story first, okay?
(Drew)
Well, the first thing I did
when I got to the airport
was buy some luggage so
I wouldn't look like an idiot.
Then, the cab takes me
to the hotel.
I get out, and of course
I don't wanna
seem like a tourist
so I tried to blend in.
You cannot believe
all the lights.
My dad would've been runnin'
around from hotel to hotel
yellin', "What am I, Edison?"
Anyway, I checked in
and went right to the tables.
I was so hot at craps,
I couldn't lose.
Hey, Dilbert!
Hey, can I roll?
Hey, you're back, I thought
you got cleaned out.
I'm gonna give it
one more shot, this is my
never, never, don't loose
this money ever money.
Here.
Elvis, if you're
up there don't be cruel.
Hey, one hand. The book says
to roll with one hand.
What are you, the craps master?
Put away the book.
Let the man roll.
Let's go, baby.
It does make
a difference.
I'm gonna shoot
with one hand anyway.
This is my lucky hand.
Okay, wait a minute, uh
that hand lost
at the slot machines.
'Okay! Okay.'
Oh, I broke that hand
when I was a kid.
Yeah, but it healed real quickly
that's kinda lucky, isn't it?
Okay.
Wait a minute. There's
a longer lifeline here.
Yeah, will you look at that?
Roll the dice.
Let's go, babe. Roll 'em.
(male #1)
Okay, here we go!
Oh, gee..
"Many cheats will
try to drop the dice
and then replace it with
their own rigged pair of dice."
You'll have to
exchange those dice, sir
they went off the table.
Hey, do I get extra chips
for helpin' out Caesars?
Oh. I guess not.
Okay.
Which hand did I decide on?
Right, left, right?
- Please roll the dice.
- Any hand.
- Just roll.
- Roll the dice. There we go.
(male #2)
Three. Craps.
Yes! I love Vegas.
I-I'm a gambling savant.
I'm like the Rainman.
Ah!
See, it never works
when you rush me.
Just like in the John.
I'm gonna go have a drink
walk around offerin'
men a million dollars
to sleep with their wives.
Yeah, you heard me.
Hey, mister,
lookin' for a good time?
I'm broke.
They're-they're really good
Cirque du Soleil tickets.
Hello, tall, blonde andtall.
Uh, how about
an evening of entertainment?
I'm talkin' acrobatics,
positions you've never heard of
swings and big, sparkly outfits.
Oh, I'm not,
I'm not really in the market
for, uh, you know,
entertainment.
I don't even like
paying for it on TV.
Oh, no. I'm talkin' about
the Cirque du Soleil.
Oh, if I did do anything it
wouldn't be anything fancy
I'm just a Cleveland guy.
You're missin' a hell
of a circus, baby.
I've already seen
the big top lady.
- 'Four! Winner four.'
- There you go.
Oh, wait a minute, I had
the thing on the wrong thing.
That's everything I got.
That's all the money
I brought to Vegas.
Well, maybe if you spent
a little more time
looking at the table
and a little less time
with the hookers.
You know, what you
should do, guy?
You should forget
about gambling
go to the Cirque du Soleil.
We did it twice this week.
Just don't get stuck
behind the pole.
Mother was right. This place
is like Sodom and Gomorrah.
Okay, uh, so I wasn't doing
too good at craps.
I lost a little money,
but it's no problem
you know me,
I-I roll with the punches.
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
- Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
- Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Stu..
You, too?
Yeah, I lost everything.
But we gotta be
men about this.
- Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
- Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
- Stupid! Whoa!
- Stupid! Stupid!
Look at all these quarters.
(both)
Quarters.
Hey, what are you
doin' in there?
Mind your own fountain,
this is our money.
I'm just, uh,
tryin' to stop him.
Have a nice day, officers.
I gotta sell someone
an Elvis suit.
Sir, would you step
out of the fountain?
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do?
Take all my money away?
Oops, too late.
Here you are, sir.
I brought your drink.
Wow! That's service.
I guess I should tip ya.
Don't make us come in there
and get you, buddy.
Oh, yeah, I know
what you're thinking.
Some hick from Cleveland
comes to Las Vegas
and loses all his money..
So, where are you from?
Cleveland.
I'm from Cleveland, too.
Alright, come on out.
No one's gonna hurt you.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
- Drew Carey.
- Diane Pulaski.
Oh, I guess this looks
pretty stupid, huh?
Oh. Ooh, thanks.
Don't feel bad
I saw an entire family
in the fountain yesterday.
You know, I always feel bad when
a hometown boy comes to Vegas
and gets cleaned out.
I mean, I get
off work in an hour
maybe I could show you
how to have some fun
in Vegas without gambling.
I already met that lady.
Hey, you're from Cleveland.
Uh, I guess I could trust you.
Hey, did you sell
that Elvis suit already?
No, I found an ATM.
Oh, yeah, how'd you do?
Excuse me.
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
[instrumental music]
Wow!
Oh, see, I love Vegas.
There's drinkin',
big production, showgirls.
Hey, what happens when one
of the nudes on ice falls down?
Well, if they're hurt
they should just stay down.
'Cause they're already on ice.
[laughing]
See, isn't everything funny
after six of these margaritas?
Hey, baby, welcome to the church
of rock and roll heaven.
[chuckles]
I'm Reverend Jimmy.
That's Reverend Jim,
over there.
And that's Jerry Garcia
tending bar.
Excuse me,
while I wed this guy.
Hey, hey, hey.
I got an idea.
As long as we're here,
you wanna get married?
Oh, pfft. Yeah,
it'd be a kick.
My friends always said
I wouldn't get married till
hell froze over and nude women
were skatin' on it, so..
Ha-ha.
They wanted Andy Gibb.
Anyway, come on up
the alter.
Well, this is it.
Oh, I'm so nervous.
What if
I'm makin' a mistake?
Alright, now listen to this.
[mimics guitar riff]
Alright.
Do you take this,
uh, foxy lady
to be your lawfully
wedded wife until you crash?
Hey, speakin' of foxy ladies
I heard you shot
your old lady down.
Down to the ground!
You shot her!
Do you promise to love
and cherish each other
through good trips
and bad trips? You dig?
I dig.
I dig.
Cool.
Oh, by the power vested in me
by the groovy state of Nevada
I hereby pronounce you,
a freak and his old lady.
Alright. That'll be $29.99.
We do take Visa and Master Card.
And I'll need you to sign
this marriage certificate.
Why the bum's rush, Jimmy?
Mr. Drew Carey.
- Here you go, Mrs. Carey.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, you guys really
do it up here, man.
You got the seal of
the State of Nevada on there.
Almost looks legal.
I'm startin' to get
a little worried.
Hey, baby, it is legal.
Yeah, right. You better loosen
that head band, buddy.
You're gettin' a little loopy.
Hey, man,
I'm an ordained minister.
You did know you're really
gettin' married, right?
No.
Did you?
Mmm?
Well, let's not have
our first fight already, honey.
[laughing]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
- Alright. Shh, shh!
- Oh, my God!
- 'Shh.'
- My mother's gonna kill me.
What denomination is this?
Drew, Drew, I can explain.
I was desperate.
- You knew this was real?
- It was an emergency.
Oh, well, you know,
I've been a little lonely
in my life, too,
but you get a dog
or you get a cold, hard look
at your parents life
and the urge passes.
Drew, Drew, I know
this is crazy
but I really needed
to be married..
I've got a custody battle
for my children.
Oh, big sentence,
big sentence.
Children?
It ended with children.
Hey, Jerry, give me a double
anything, I got kids.
They are great kids,
and-and I don't need
a whole lot from you.
My ex-husband wants to drag
my kids back to Cleveland
and if I'm married, I-I got
a better shot at keepin' 'em.
Oh, so you had to trick me?
Well, I mean, hey, if..
spontaneity is
what keeps a marriage goin'..
[chuckles]
No. Okay, okay,
look, look, look.
I, I'll be stayin' at my moms.
All you have to do
is just pretend you're the dad
when the social worker
comes over.
Alright, but if you want
I will rip up the certificate
and I'll go back to the fountain
and find someone else.
Oh, man.
Drew, you can't stop now.
What happened?
What did you decide?
Well, this is
the really weird part.
[doorbell rings]
Oh, I'll tell you
as soon as I get this.
- Daddy!
- Daddy!
- Our new daddy!
- Our new daddy!
Sorry, it's just they're doing
a little rehearsal
for the social worker.
Uh, kids..
- Our new daddy! Our new daddy!
- Our new daddy! Our new daddy!
- Our new daddy!
- Our new daddy!
- Our new daddy! Our new daddy!
- Our new daddy! Our new daddy!
Drew went to Las Vegas
and all he brought us
were these lousy t-shirts
with kids in 'em.
Drew, cute Julie's
at the coffee machine
'I hid the sugar.
Go ahead and make your move.'
No, first tell me
where you hid the sugar.
Oh, Drew, there'll
always be more sugar.
- Go, go!
- I already asked her out once.
I think she's ready for you.
- Try again.
- How can you tell?
She looks depressed
and vulnerable.
- Ah, Drew's little helpers.
- Mm-hmm.
Hi, Julie.
Hi, Drew.
Listen, um..
I just broke up
with my boyfriend.
Does your offer
for dinner still stand?
Oh, I could play
hard to get, but I'm not. Yes.
[Julie chuckles]
Drew, I hate to
interrupt the freshman mixer..
but I just got a call
your wife is in the lobby
waiting to see you.
Your wife?
You creep!
Do you realize
I could lose an arm
and this would still
qualify as a good day.
Buzz off, Mimi.
Oh, come on. What's your
story on getting a wife?
Are things really
that bad in Russia right now?
Mimi, you took a beautiful
thing and you made it ugly.
I mean that dress.
Oh, I get it.
You're ashamed to her.
Is this one of
those things where it's gonna
cost me a buck 50
to look at her?
Is she in a jar?
If you must know,
I met a very nice woman
who took me in when I was
broke and wet in Las Vegas.
She's gonna lose custody of her
kids. I couldn't let it happen.
That-that's beautiful.
I didn't know that love
could be that deep.
Well, it's little more
complicated than love.
No, I mean that
she could love her children
enough to marry you.
Thank you, Mimi.
I mean, waking up
every morning next toyou.
Okay.
I mean, if it were me
I would gouge out my own eyes.
Okay! Okay! I get the point.
You don't wanna marry me,
which is good
'cause there's laws against
the union of man and beast.
- Hey, Drew.
- Hey, Diane.
What are you doing here?
That's not the question.
The question is, does she like
English accents and soft jazz.
Oh-ho, you won't be
interested in her, Mr. Wick.
She's Drew's wife.
Oh.
Blink twice if you're being
held against your will.
Oh, see, there's
hope for everyone.
[chuckles]
So, Drew, I'm sorry
to bother you at work
but I wanted to talk to you.
So, this is where you work?
What do you do?
Well, from nine to noon
I sit right here
then I have lunch,
makes me kind of full
so I sitright here.
Anyway, the social worker
wants to come by
and see our family
in action on Thursday.
So, I thought I'd bring
the kids by tonight
so we can practice.
Uh-oh, I have some
questionable magazines.
Actually,
it's my dad's subscription
that came to the house.
Don't worry, Drew. I'm gonna
take care of the house.
Oh, uh, when the social worker
comes over don't be surprised
if I kiss you or touch you
like we were couple.
Well, uh, don't be
surprised if I like it.
[chuckles]
God.
Where were you when I
was really getting married?
Oh, you know those magazines..
Ah, forget it.
[chuckles]
Ooh, would you mind
picking up Joey and Sarah
from my mom's house
on your way home form work?
Oh, I finally get to meet
the mother-in-law, huh?
Oh, it's only fair
I get to see what
you're gonna look like
in 30 years.
Since you already know
what I'm gonna look like.
Ta-dah!
[chuckles]
Although there is
a 50 percent chance
that I'll have the famous
Carey he-hooters.
Mm.
Well, it was short notice
but I ran downstairs
and got you something
for your honeymoon.
Oh.
It's a blindfold and a Walkman.
Sorry, I can't do
anything about the touching.
[instrumental music]
Sorry, it's so crowded
tonight fellows.
I'm just, uh,
I'm doing a favor for a friend.
Yeah, well, your friend isn't
the one sitting on the hump.
You know, I've been
in this carpool longer
than this kids have been alive.
So, what?
You didn't call it.
I'm not gonna call where I sit.
I'm an adult.
Notice the lack of hair.
I call shotgun again
after the next stop!
- I call window!
- I call window!
I call..
Damn!I'm not sitting
on the hump again.
Hey, how about everybody
just shut up back there.
Okay, now, you're
poking me on purpose.
Alright, from now on
you can't touch me because
there's a wall here
and you can't put
your hand through a wall.
Okay, there's a wall
on this side too now, alright.
Stop it! There's a wall.
There's a wall..
Shut up!
Stop screwin' around.
Don't make me come back there.
Oh, dear God. Drew, you've
finally grown into your look.
[Joey grunts]
I'm trying to drive.
No, you're doing it all wrong.
[grunts]
Stop it!
Sarah, you try. Go ahead.
Hey, kids, you know Larry
pee's when you tickle him.
[chuckling]
[instrumental music]
Hurry up, Joey. Spin the thing,
I'm about to hit all the dots.
Just don't let him
right hand the red dot
or we're gonna get butt crack.
(Diane)
'Okay, okay.'
Sarah,
this is your favorite game
and we gotta practice
for tomorrow.
So, we are going
to play twister.
We are going to sing songs
and smile the next time
you say "Butt crack."
- Butt crack.
- Okay, young lady.
Get back in here.
- What's with her?
- I don't know.
[grunts]
Things aren't going
too good at the school.
I think a couple
of the kids called her nerdy.
The only thing she wants to do
is lay around watch TV and eat.
I think this is dad's area.
Hi.
(Drew)
'So, are you okay?'
This place sucks.
Oh, I put all the money
in the living room.
No, I miss Vegas.
Well, miss your friends?
Yeah.
You know what I used to do
when I was depressed?
Eat?
Okay. But then, I would go down
to the basement to get away
from my brother and everybody
and just think all by myself.
You know, 'cause sometimes
you need like a special place.
I like to be outside.
Outside is cool.
Hey, you know, what will
really make you feel better?
Going out there
shoveling some snow
salting down the driveway, huh?
I suppose you want me
to exercise for you too.
Diane, Sarah's pickin' on me.
[doorbell rings]
- Hey.
- Hey.
I brought over my dad's
wedding ring for Drew
and I figured you were gonna
need a ring so I brought over
all the engagement rings
I've been given.
Take your pick.
- Wow! There are so many.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
If it helps you choose.
This one is too attached
to his mother, high.
- Mm, high.
- Yeah.
- This one drinks too much.
- Mm-hmm.
- I confirmed his homosexuality.
- Oh, I remember him.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Uh, unemployed.
- Uh-huh.
And it goes downhill from there.
- Wow.
- Hmm.
Too attached to his mother is
just a smaller version of
confirmed his homosexuality..
interesting.
- Hmm.
- Hmm, yeah.
- Okay.
- Alright, unemployed it is.
Okay, I gotta go.
I'm sorry.
I got a big date tonight.
I might have to start
a second hand.
[Diane chuckles]
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Bye.
Uh, excuse me?
Is this the Carey residence?
Alex, it's not Thursday.
Drew, this is Alex,
the social worker.
Who's not supposed
to come until Thursday.
Oh, my God.
I don't know what day it is.
Does that make me a bad mom?
No, no, no. It-it's Wednesday.
I'm a day early. Hi, I'm Alex.
Oh, so, we'll see
you tomorrow, Alex.
Sorry, for the surprise,
but this is the only way
we can see how you really live.
Believe it or not,
some people actually
try to prepare for this things.
Well, not us.
Hey, look,
the twister game's out.
Who wants to play?
Yeah. You wanna see us
play twister, buddy.
Uh, Sarah. Honey.
- I'll go get her.
- Great.
Sarah?
Do you see a red Frisbee?
What are you guys doing?
Oh, we were
driving by, we saw
a kid on the roof
and we thought
"Hey, let's get back
all the Frisbees
and Super Balls
we lost up there."
- Oh, oh, oh.
- Here, here we go.
[grunts]
Oh, my God. Sarah!
Hey, get down
from there right now.
(Sarah)
'I can't hear you.'
'I'm in my special place.'
Oh, my God.
Man, if the
social worker sees this
I'm gonna blow
everything for Diane.
Oh, you guys gotta help me.
Drew, you keep
the social worker inside.
- We'll get her down.
- Yeah. Okay.
So, where is your daughter?
Um..
Uh, she'll be right down.
[chuckles]
Well, seems like a nice place.
Nice quite neighborhood.
(Sarah)
'No, no. I'm not coming down.'
'No! No, no, no.
I'm not coming down.'
Squirrels.
We got, uh, squirrels.
[man screaming]
[grunts]
Big, clumsy, stupid squirrels.
[knock on door]
Why, I bet that's them now.
The eagles have landed.
But the owl
is still in the nest.
Hey, do I smell..
(Diane)
'Drew.'
What's going on?
Sarah's on the roof.
Oh, my God.
What is she doing up there?
- Sarah honey, are you alright?
- 'Yes.'
What on Earth made you
wanna go up to the roof?
(Sarah)
'Drew!'
Okay, I got us into this.
I can get us out of this.
Uh, Sarah, honey.
Uh, if you come down
I'll tell you a story.
(Drew)
'Yeah?'
'I'm listening.'
Okay, uh, once..
I went too high
to get to my special place..
and I got too close to the
sun and my wings fell off.
And then the Tin Man
came by with..
um, some three magic beans..
- Get down from there right now!
- 'No!'
Sarah, honey,
you are scaring me to death.
Please, come down.
I-if this is about the kids
at school teasing you
or how you need
to use deodorant now.
Glad somebody
finally said something.
- Hey!
- 'That's it!'
(Sarah)
'That's it!
Now, I'm never coming down.'
Sarah, you-you quit scaring your
mother right now, young lady.
If you don't come down
I'm climbing
that ladder and coming up.
Let me tell you something
that roof may not hold.
(Drew)
'No! No! I'm coming down.'
Thank God.
Is this your report card?
It's really bad.
Yeah, thanks.
I've been looking for that.
I hope you're not gonna
hold this against us?
Hey, some cases
can go a year before I see
how a family functions
under pressure.
But I think your new dad here
did pretty well.
Wait till dinner, Joey's gonna
choke on a chicken bone
aren't you, buddy?
(Alex)
'Let me talk to the kids first'
but it's looking pretty good.
[Diane chuckles]
Oh.
Drew, thank you.
So, uh..
if this all works out
you're heading back to Vegas
I guess, uh,
next we can get a divorce.
Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, we should
probably fight first.
- No.
- Yes!
See, irreconcilable differences.
- Alright.
- Whoo.
[instrumental music]
Why do I have to
sit on the hump?
'Cause we called window.
Look, I can see, I can see.
Hey, Oswald,
guess what I had for dinner?
What did you have, Lewis?
Oh, it's just a little seafood.
That's it! From now on,
there's a wall here.
- And there's a wall here.
- Guess what? I have a drill.
[imitating drill machine]
Oh, look, he forgot
to put in a ceiling.
- Stop it!
- Squeaky, squeaky, squeaky.