The Looney Tunes Show s02e18 Episode Script
The Grand Old Duck of York
Oh.
Here's one.
BUGS: It says "compact.
" This is compact.
Compact, huh? Relax.
We'll use the back door.
What back door? BUGS: Where is it? I can't DAFFY: It's right there! Ooh.
I gotta oil that.
The Looney Tunes Show - Season 2 Episode 18 "The Grand Old Duck of York" Hey, Speedy.
I'll have a couple of slices of carrot pizza.
Or you can have as many slices as you want at the buffet! Six bucks, all you can eat.
Oh, I like a buffet.
- What's, uh, going on? - Sullivan's.
- What's Sullivan's? - The new restaurant across the street.
I don't want them taking any of my customers.
I'm gonna eat all your profits.
Bad business move, Speedy.
Except for him.
They can have him.
Come on, Bugs, check it out.
And don't think I'm not coming back for seconds.
And thirds! And fourths! And fifths! Ok, we got the pepperoni, we got the sausage, we got the classic cheese.
We got it all.
We got the ooh.
Good thing you're not the health department.
ANNOUNCER: They've been on a roll offensively.
- Thompson with the jam.
DAFFY: It's just so horrible.
Me, almost choking.
I know.
Very scary.
I mean, so, so horrible! You wanna talk about it some more? No.
I'm fine.
You watch your game.
ANNOUNCER: Since the all-star break I mean, it's just that you realize how fragile life is.
ANNOUNCER : from the three point line.
- It can just turn, in a second! A second.
- DAFFY: So horrible.
- ANNOUNCER : I think if they score here - Do you need to talk? - No.
No.
Keep watching.
- I'm gonna learn to play the piano! - What? My whole life I've wanted to play piano, but I always said, tomorrow.
I'll learn tomorrow.
Well, guess what.
Tomorrow isn't promised to you! All you have is today.
- Why piano? - My grand mummy played.
I distinctly remember listening by her side as she tickled the ivories.
I would dance as she filled the room with the sounds of Chopin, Bach, Jerry Lee Lewis.
She offered to teach me many times but my answer was always the same Tomorrow, grand mummy.
I'll learn to play tomorrow.
So now do you see why I must learn to play the piano? Ehh, not really.
But whatever floats your boat.
Then it's settled.
Tomorrow I will learn to play piano.
- Don't you mean today? - Nah, it's kinda late it's almost dinner time.
Oh, I'm starving.
I didn't eat that much after I choked.
BUGS: Where's the TV? DAFFY: In here, boys! - Daffy, where's the TV? - I sold it.
Put her upstairs, boys! First bedroom on the right! What do you mean, you sold it?! To buy a piano.
We talked about this.
- No, we didn't! - Well, no, not explicitly.
But yesterday's conversation was riddled with undertones and innuendos.
You said, whatever floats your boat.
And selling your TV to buy myself a piano floats my boat.
But I guess what you're really saying is you wanna sink my boat.
You hear that, boys? Looks like the "S.
S.
Daffy Duck" is going down.
Take her away, boys.
I should have just died choking on that pizza.
You hear that, boys? I should have just died.
Fine.
Keep the piano.
You hear that, boys?! The piano stays.
You're not gonna regret this.
Soon you'll be the one dancing beside the piano as I fill our home with the sounds of Beethoven, Rachmaninoff, and Bruce Hornsby.
So much Bruce Hornsby.
That'll be all, boys.
Why are the boys still standing there? - You gotta tip 'em.
- I'm kind of tapped out.
I didn't get that much for your TV.
DAFFY: Whoa, listen to this sucker! This plays so much louder than my grandmother's! - I'm gonna go buy a new TV.
- What? I'm going to buy a new TV! - I can't hear you! - Because you're playing too loud! You're right! Grand mummy would be proud! Alright, your TV will be delivered next week.
Can I get you anything else? Nah.
I think I'm - What are those? - Noise canceling headphones.
They're great.
You can't even see them and they block out all sound.
All sound, huh? I'll take 'em.
- Speedy? - Oh, hey, senor Bugs.
- What are you doing here? - Buying a bunch of flat screen TVs.
Sullivan's, man, they're killing me.
They've always got the big game on.
You gotta keep up with the Jonas'.
- Who? - The Jonas'.
- You know, the competition.
- The Joneses.
That's what I said.
You're a natural piano player.
Do you mind? I told you I'd give you your lesson when she's done.
Very good, Winnie.
Ohh.
I'll see you next week.
So is this your first piano lesson? Yep.
And I want you to be harsh.
No sugar coating.
I don't want you to baby me like you did that little girl.
I'm not here to get a stupid gold star.
I'm here to play.
You got it? No coddling.
Ok! Let's begin with "The Grand Old Duke of York.
" No, that wasn't quite right.
Good lord, do you have to be so harsh?! This is my first lesson! I'm like a baby! You have to coddle me.
Ok.
Let's try again.
Do I get a gold star? How was your first lesson? Ugh.
My teacher is very, very tough.
And mean.
And unforgiving.
But she's easy on the eyes, I'll give her that.
Ohh.
So does that mean you'll be playing piano over there from now on? No way! The only way to get better is to practice at home.
And since I have no job and acute insomnia I can practice 24 hours a day! five minutes! What in tarnation is he doing up there?! Sounds like he's throwing a bunch of church bells down an elevator shaft! Oh.
Daffy's learning to play piano.
Well, it's too dang loud! It's 10:00 at night.
Some of us have got work in the morning.
Well, not me, but if I did, I bet my work performance would suffer and I'd nod off in the middle of a big meeting due to the fact that I got no sleep the night before 'cause of that butchering of "The Grand Old Duke of York.
" - Anything else? - As a matter of fact, yes.
I got a long list of grievances with you two.
For starters, your sprinklers spray in front of my mailbox - Uh-huh.
- Also unrelated your dumb dog's got a barking problem.
He don't ever shut up! All I hear is - woof, woof, woof.
- Uh-huh.
Actually, it's more like a - Uh-huh.
- Also, I wanna talk about that parade float.
Half the time he parks it in front of my driveway.
And if I got to be somewhere which I never do but if I did, I'd not be able to get there, wherever "there" is! - I know what you mean.
- You do? - You really do? - Uh-huh.
Wow.
Thanks for listening, rabbit.
I feel a lot better.
Well, this is the best conversation we ever had.
Oh, let the kid play piana.
I wish I'd learned myself.
You, you have a good night.
You have a blessed evening.
Did you hear me play?! Oh, yeah.
"Grand Old Duke of York," right? You recognized it.
I am getting better! I'm telling you.
They're the greatest things in the world.
Daffy's piano playing is that bad, huh? They don't just work on Daffy.
They work on all sorts of annoying people.
I had a ten minute conversation with Yosemite Sam and I didn't have to listen to a word of it.
- Isn't that a little rude? - No way! I was more rude before I got these.
You know what it's like talking to me.
I'm always rolling my eyes, saying something sarcastic.
Not anymore.
Now I just pop these babies in.
Can't people tell? Nah, I just nod a lot, you know, throw in a few uh-huhs and when it looks like they're wrapping it up, you know, I just say, "I know what you mean.
" I'm actually a pretty great listener, as long as I don't have to hear what anyone's saying.
Have you, uh, ever used those things on me? What?! No! So yesterday when I was telling you about that recurring dream I've been having - you were listening? - To every word.
Phew! Ok, good.
Because I had it again last night! It's the strangest thing.
It's like, I'm in my house, but I'm not in my house.
And it's like everything's in black and white.
And I can smell someone making breakfast, like buttered toast but then I go into the kitchen and no one's there.
Uh-huh.
I mean, I feel like the dream has something to do with my mother.
Or maybe my sister.
Whatever the case, it's very unsettling.
I know what you mean.
Thanks, Bugs.
You gonna eat that? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, ok.
Sorry.
Oh, no.
No.
No.
Here, let's try it together.
Well? Do I finally get a gold star? DAFFY: Unbelievable! Just unbelievable.
Ughh.
I've been practicing forever and I'm still not any better.
What is wrong with me? What do you think? I need you to be honest.
I want the truth.
Don't hold back.
Do you think I should quit piano? - Uh-huh.
- I knew it! This whole thing's been a giant waste of time.
And it's proof that I should never try anything again.
Ever.
Because I will fail.
I fail at everything.
- Uh-huh.
- So why try? I just shouldn't ever try, right? Because when you try, you expose yourself to the possibility of failure.
And there's no point in trying if there's a chance that you might fail.
You know what I mean? I know what you mean.
Thanks, Bugs.
Pretty classy, huh? Speedy, what is all this? It's called fine dining.
Like at Sullivan's.
Shrimp scampi? Ooh, that sounds good.
Then again, I've never had it before and there's no point in trying something new.
Right, Bugs? I guess I'll just get the buffet.
You messed with the wrong mouse, Sullivan's.
Uh, they didn't mess with you, Speedy.
It's just another restaurant.
It's my competitive nature.
How did you think I became the fastest mouse in all of Mexico? No.
If Sullivan's has a buffet, I got a buffet.
If Sullivan's has shrimp scampi, I got shrimp scampi.
If Sullivan's has live music every Friday night I got live music every Friday night.
You've got live music tonight? Huh? What are you talking about? - You're the one who arranged it! - What? Please tell me this is a joke.
You said you were gonna take care of everything.
- When did I say that? - I asked you the other day.
I said, I have a big favor to ask you, and you can say no but do you know of anyone who might be available to perform on Friday night? And you said, uh-huh.
And then I said, are you sure? And you said, uh-huh.
Then I said, thank you so much.
This is such a nice gesture.
You are a prince among men.
And you said, I know what you mean.
Personally, I thought that was a little bit boastful but I'm not in a position to judge, so I said, whatever.
And here we are.
Ehh, hypothetically, just throwing this out there, um what would happen if, for some reason there was no live entertainment tonight? Oh, not much.
Other than I will have wasted $500 on a full page ad.
And all of these people will no longer be customers of mine.
They'll be customers of Sullivan's! So please tell me you got someone.
- I got someone.
- You better.
I've got great news! You're playing the piano tonight.
Me? I don't play piano.
- What are you talking about? - What are you talking about? I asked you if I should quit, and you said, uh-huh.
Oh, boy.
Ok, forget our conversation.
Even the part about never trying anything if there's even the slightest chance that you might fail? Especially that part! That's the worst advice that anybody could ever give.
Daffy, you said you wanted to learn how to play the piano.
So you have to stick with it, no matter how hard it is or how bad it sounds.
You can do it.
You really believe in me? Uh-huh.
I mean, yes.
Thanks, Bugs.
Don't thank me.
Thank Daffy.
Don't thank me.
Thank Winnie Yang and her parents for letting her stay up so late.
Eeh! You scared me to death.
That's precisely what I want to talk to you about.
Choking on that pizza has really made me think about things specifically the arrangements in the event of my passing.
What?! Lay me to rest inside a Corvette With a trunk full of yogurt for the afterlife Pull the Corvette with a team of Clydesdales Make sure that Tina is there by my side - What if she's not dead? - Just make it work.
For my eulogy Get Neil Diamond to sing And use lots of quotes from "Lord of the Rings" In lieu of flowers, buy some raw meat Then pay some pirates to dance in the street What?! And the party will rage for 900 days With bonfires and swearing and random gun play And plaster the town with photos of me This is my decree, it's my legacy Cryogenically freeze my brain So the scientists can tinker Think of the knowledge that they'd retain From one of the world's great thinkers It's a trifecta, can't you see It's me, Da Vinci and Socrates Are we still talking about your memorial? Yep.
All the kids must attend Daffy Duck High And train as brick masons and twirlers and spies Though some should be ninjas that do awesome stunts They'd all wear black robes with my face on the front The 50 yard line at the rose ball works great For my huge marble statue with a big gold nameplate Or under the sphinx Or on Pyramid But right at the top, just open the lid And the party will rage for 900 days With bonfires and swearing and random gun play And plaster the town with photos of me This is my decree, it's my legacy This is my decree, it's my legacy So, what do you say? Why wait? What are you doing? Not now! The future! Way off in the future.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! I finally got a gold star! I did it! I did it! I did it, I did it, I did it! Oh, ha, I've gotta remember to thank Bugs for giving me these.
jasonnguyen2606 That's all folks.
For Sullivan's.
Because the went out of business What, I'm a competitive person!
Here's one.
BUGS: It says "compact.
" This is compact.
Compact, huh? Relax.
We'll use the back door.
What back door? BUGS: Where is it? I can't DAFFY: It's right there! Ooh.
I gotta oil that.
The Looney Tunes Show - Season 2 Episode 18 "The Grand Old Duck of York" Hey, Speedy.
I'll have a couple of slices of carrot pizza.
Or you can have as many slices as you want at the buffet! Six bucks, all you can eat.
Oh, I like a buffet.
- What's, uh, going on? - Sullivan's.
- What's Sullivan's? - The new restaurant across the street.
I don't want them taking any of my customers.
I'm gonna eat all your profits.
Bad business move, Speedy.
Except for him.
They can have him.
Come on, Bugs, check it out.
And don't think I'm not coming back for seconds.
And thirds! And fourths! And fifths! Ok, we got the pepperoni, we got the sausage, we got the classic cheese.
We got it all.
We got the ooh.
Good thing you're not the health department.
ANNOUNCER: They've been on a roll offensively.
- Thompson with the jam.
DAFFY: It's just so horrible.
Me, almost choking.
I know.
Very scary.
I mean, so, so horrible! You wanna talk about it some more? No.
I'm fine.
You watch your game.
ANNOUNCER: Since the all-star break I mean, it's just that you realize how fragile life is.
ANNOUNCER : from the three point line.
- It can just turn, in a second! A second.
- DAFFY: So horrible.
- ANNOUNCER : I think if they score here - Do you need to talk? - No.
No.
Keep watching.
- I'm gonna learn to play the piano! - What? My whole life I've wanted to play piano, but I always said, tomorrow.
I'll learn tomorrow.
Well, guess what.
Tomorrow isn't promised to you! All you have is today.
- Why piano? - My grand mummy played.
I distinctly remember listening by her side as she tickled the ivories.
I would dance as she filled the room with the sounds of Chopin, Bach, Jerry Lee Lewis.
She offered to teach me many times but my answer was always the same Tomorrow, grand mummy.
I'll learn to play tomorrow.
So now do you see why I must learn to play the piano? Ehh, not really.
But whatever floats your boat.
Then it's settled.
Tomorrow I will learn to play piano.
- Don't you mean today? - Nah, it's kinda late it's almost dinner time.
Oh, I'm starving.
I didn't eat that much after I choked.
BUGS: Where's the TV? DAFFY: In here, boys! - Daffy, where's the TV? - I sold it.
Put her upstairs, boys! First bedroom on the right! What do you mean, you sold it?! To buy a piano.
We talked about this.
- No, we didn't! - Well, no, not explicitly.
But yesterday's conversation was riddled with undertones and innuendos.
You said, whatever floats your boat.
And selling your TV to buy myself a piano floats my boat.
But I guess what you're really saying is you wanna sink my boat.
You hear that, boys? Looks like the "S.
S.
Daffy Duck" is going down.
Take her away, boys.
I should have just died choking on that pizza.
You hear that, boys? I should have just died.
Fine.
Keep the piano.
You hear that, boys?! The piano stays.
You're not gonna regret this.
Soon you'll be the one dancing beside the piano as I fill our home with the sounds of Beethoven, Rachmaninoff, and Bruce Hornsby.
So much Bruce Hornsby.
That'll be all, boys.
Why are the boys still standing there? - You gotta tip 'em.
- I'm kind of tapped out.
I didn't get that much for your TV.
DAFFY: Whoa, listen to this sucker! This plays so much louder than my grandmother's! - I'm gonna go buy a new TV.
- What? I'm going to buy a new TV! - I can't hear you! - Because you're playing too loud! You're right! Grand mummy would be proud! Alright, your TV will be delivered next week.
Can I get you anything else? Nah.
I think I'm - What are those? - Noise canceling headphones.
They're great.
You can't even see them and they block out all sound.
All sound, huh? I'll take 'em.
- Speedy? - Oh, hey, senor Bugs.
- What are you doing here? - Buying a bunch of flat screen TVs.
Sullivan's, man, they're killing me.
They've always got the big game on.
You gotta keep up with the Jonas'.
- Who? - The Jonas'.
- You know, the competition.
- The Joneses.
That's what I said.
You're a natural piano player.
Do you mind? I told you I'd give you your lesson when she's done.
Very good, Winnie.
Ohh.
I'll see you next week.
So is this your first piano lesson? Yep.
And I want you to be harsh.
No sugar coating.
I don't want you to baby me like you did that little girl.
I'm not here to get a stupid gold star.
I'm here to play.
You got it? No coddling.
Ok! Let's begin with "The Grand Old Duke of York.
" No, that wasn't quite right.
Good lord, do you have to be so harsh?! This is my first lesson! I'm like a baby! You have to coddle me.
Ok.
Let's try again.
Do I get a gold star? How was your first lesson? Ugh.
My teacher is very, very tough.
And mean.
And unforgiving.
But she's easy on the eyes, I'll give her that.
Ohh.
So does that mean you'll be playing piano over there from now on? No way! The only way to get better is to practice at home.
And since I have no job and acute insomnia I can practice 24 hours a day! five minutes! What in tarnation is he doing up there?! Sounds like he's throwing a bunch of church bells down an elevator shaft! Oh.
Daffy's learning to play piano.
Well, it's too dang loud! It's 10:00 at night.
Some of us have got work in the morning.
Well, not me, but if I did, I bet my work performance would suffer and I'd nod off in the middle of a big meeting due to the fact that I got no sleep the night before 'cause of that butchering of "The Grand Old Duke of York.
" - Anything else? - As a matter of fact, yes.
I got a long list of grievances with you two.
For starters, your sprinklers spray in front of my mailbox - Uh-huh.
- Also unrelated your dumb dog's got a barking problem.
He don't ever shut up! All I hear is - woof, woof, woof.
- Uh-huh.
Actually, it's more like a - Uh-huh.
- Also, I wanna talk about that parade float.
Half the time he parks it in front of my driveway.
And if I got to be somewhere which I never do but if I did, I'd not be able to get there, wherever "there" is! - I know what you mean.
- You do? - You really do? - Uh-huh.
Wow.
Thanks for listening, rabbit.
I feel a lot better.
Well, this is the best conversation we ever had.
Oh, let the kid play piana.
I wish I'd learned myself.
You, you have a good night.
You have a blessed evening.
Did you hear me play?! Oh, yeah.
"Grand Old Duke of York," right? You recognized it.
I am getting better! I'm telling you.
They're the greatest things in the world.
Daffy's piano playing is that bad, huh? They don't just work on Daffy.
They work on all sorts of annoying people.
I had a ten minute conversation with Yosemite Sam and I didn't have to listen to a word of it.
- Isn't that a little rude? - No way! I was more rude before I got these.
You know what it's like talking to me.
I'm always rolling my eyes, saying something sarcastic.
Not anymore.
Now I just pop these babies in.
Can't people tell? Nah, I just nod a lot, you know, throw in a few uh-huhs and when it looks like they're wrapping it up, you know, I just say, "I know what you mean.
" I'm actually a pretty great listener, as long as I don't have to hear what anyone's saying.
Have you, uh, ever used those things on me? What?! No! So yesterday when I was telling you about that recurring dream I've been having - you were listening? - To every word.
Phew! Ok, good.
Because I had it again last night! It's the strangest thing.
It's like, I'm in my house, but I'm not in my house.
And it's like everything's in black and white.
And I can smell someone making breakfast, like buttered toast but then I go into the kitchen and no one's there.
Uh-huh.
I mean, I feel like the dream has something to do with my mother.
Or maybe my sister.
Whatever the case, it's very unsettling.
I know what you mean.
Thanks, Bugs.
You gonna eat that? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, ok.
Sorry.
Oh, no.
No.
No.
Here, let's try it together.
Well? Do I finally get a gold star? DAFFY: Unbelievable! Just unbelievable.
Ughh.
I've been practicing forever and I'm still not any better.
What is wrong with me? What do you think? I need you to be honest.
I want the truth.
Don't hold back.
Do you think I should quit piano? - Uh-huh.
- I knew it! This whole thing's been a giant waste of time.
And it's proof that I should never try anything again.
Ever.
Because I will fail.
I fail at everything.
- Uh-huh.
- So why try? I just shouldn't ever try, right? Because when you try, you expose yourself to the possibility of failure.
And there's no point in trying if there's a chance that you might fail.
You know what I mean? I know what you mean.
Thanks, Bugs.
Pretty classy, huh? Speedy, what is all this? It's called fine dining.
Like at Sullivan's.
Shrimp scampi? Ooh, that sounds good.
Then again, I've never had it before and there's no point in trying something new.
Right, Bugs? I guess I'll just get the buffet.
You messed with the wrong mouse, Sullivan's.
Uh, they didn't mess with you, Speedy.
It's just another restaurant.
It's my competitive nature.
How did you think I became the fastest mouse in all of Mexico? No.
If Sullivan's has a buffet, I got a buffet.
If Sullivan's has shrimp scampi, I got shrimp scampi.
If Sullivan's has live music every Friday night I got live music every Friday night.
You've got live music tonight? Huh? What are you talking about? - You're the one who arranged it! - What? Please tell me this is a joke.
You said you were gonna take care of everything.
- When did I say that? - I asked you the other day.
I said, I have a big favor to ask you, and you can say no but do you know of anyone who might be available to perform on Friday night? And you said, uh-huh.
And then I said, are you sure? And you said, uh-huh.
Then I said, thank you so much.
This is such a nice gesture.
You are a prince among men.
And you said, I know what you mean.
Personally, I thought that was a little bit boastful but I'm not in a position to judge, so I said, whatever.
And here we are.
Ehh, hypothetically, just throwing this out there, um what would happen if, for some reason there was no live entertainment tonight? Oh, not much.
Other than I will have wasted $500 on a full page ad.
And all of these people will no longer be customers of mine.
They'll be customers of Sullivan's! So please tell me you got someone.
- I got someone.
- You better.
I've got great news! You're playing the piano tonight.
Me? I don't play piano.
- What are you talking about? - What are you talking about? I asked you if I should quit, and you said, uh-huh.
Oh, boy.
Ok, forget our conversation.
Even the part about never trying anything if there's even the slightest chance that you might fail? Especially that part! That's the worst advice that anybody could ever give.
Daffy, you said you wanted to learn how to play the piano.
So you have to stick with it, no matter how hard it is or how bad it sounds.
You can do it.
You really believe in me? Uh-huh.
I mean, yes.
Thanks, Bugs.
Don't thank me.
Thank Daffy.
Don't thank me.
Thank Winnie Yang and her parents for letting her stay up so late.
Eeh! You scared me to death.
That's precisely what I want to talk to you about.
Choking on that pizza has really made me think about things specifically the arrangements in the event of my passing.
What?! Lay me to rest inside a Corvette With a trunk full of yogurt for the afterlife Pull the Corvette with a team of Clydesdales Make sure that Tina is there by my side - What if she's not dead? - Just make it work.
For my eulogy Get Neil Diamond to sing And use lots of quotes from "Lord of the Rings" In lieu of flowers, buy some raw meat Then pay some pirates to dance in the street What?! And the party will rage for 900 days With bonfires and swearing and random gun play And plaster the town with photos of me This is my decree, it's my legacy Cryogenically freeze my brain So the scientists can tinker Think of the knowledge that they'd retain From one of the world's great thinkers It's a trifecta, can't you see It's me, Da Vinci and Socrates Are we still talking about your memorial? Yep.
All the kids must attend Daffy Duck High And train as brick masons and twirlers and spies Though some should be ninjas that do awesome stunts They'd all wear black robes with my face on the front The 50 yard line at the rose ball works great For my huge marble statue with a big gold nameplate Or under the sphinx Or on Pyramid But right at the top, just open the lid And the party will rage for 900 days With bonfires and swearing and random gun play And plaster the town with photos of me This is my decree, it's my legacy This is my decree, it's my legacy So, what do you say? Why wait? What are you doing? Not now! The future! Way off in the future.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! I finally got a gold star! I did it! I did it! I did it, I did it, I did it! Oh, ha, I've gotta remember to thank Bugs for giving me these.
jasonnguyen2606 That's all folks.
For Sullivan's.
Because the went out of business What, I'm a competitive person!