The Neighborhood (2018) s02e18 Episode Script

1 Hey, what's up, little man? Oh, hi, Mr.
Calvin.
Me and my dad are about to do some hoops.
I think you mean "shoot some hoops.
" No, he doesn't.
Tryouts for the Walcott Academy Hula-Hoop squad are next week, and Grover's got to get his game hips on.
- Hula-Hoop tryouts? - Mm-hmm.
Don't you just show up and any kid who has asthma is in? Actually, it is very competitive.
It's the second most popular sport at school, after Mathletics.
And that one's for nerds.
So, are you telling me that no one at this little hippie school of yours plays real sports? How do you tell the cool kids from the losers? Oh, Caleb's definitely cool.
He can Hula-Hoop around his neck.
And his dad won't let anyone forget it.
Okay, listen to me, Dave.
Look, the youth basketball team I coach is starting a new season.
Do Grover a favor let him join us.
Like, right now.
I don't know.
You know, Grover's never played organized sports before.
Come on, Dave, it'll be good for him.
Like look, I don't like to brag, but I'm the best coach in town.
Maybe in all of California.
I guess it would be good for Grover to learn about winning and losing.
Not on my team.
No, we've gone undefeated the last two seasons.
He's gonna have to learn that losing part from you.
All right, what do you say, bud? You want to join Mr.
Calvin's basketball team? Sure.
Sounds fun.
Great.
Practice starts tomorrow, but for now, why don't you show me what you got.
- All right, now, come on, buddy.
- All right.
Show him those Johnson skills.
CALVIN: Come on.
All right.
(GRUNTS) You know what, uh, let's try it with this one.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Hey, Mom.
.
Hey.
How was basketball practice? It was great! Coach Calvin made me the most important position on the team.
Really? That's incredible.
What are you, the point guard? Better.
The equipment manager! What? You can't be the equipment manager.
That's the job they give the kids who Who care the most about the team.
It's so cool.
I'm in charge of the basketballs and towels, and no one gets Gatorade without going through me.
Mm.
Yeah, he might not need to wear a cup, but (CHUCKLES) he sure can fill one.
I'm gonna go practice handing out orange slices.
If only Caleb could see me now.
Yeah, you go get 'em, son! Kid's got a heart of a champion.
No, what the kid has got is the most embarrassing job on the team.
Ugh! Being the equipment manager is like being the tree in the school play.
Hey, I was the tree in the school play.
Don't throw shade until you've provided it.
Oh, God.
Seriously, how could you let Calvin do that to him? Oh, well, Gemma (SIGHS) he was awful.
I mean, he couldn't shoot, he couldn't pass, and when he jumped, I don't know, somehow he got lower.
How is that even possible? No one knows.
Aw, how about this one? Your old hall monitor vest.
Keep or trash it? Uh, trash.
I don't want to be one of those guys that's stuck in his glory days.
(CHUCKLES) Whoa, what is going on in here? Looks like somebody turned a nerd upside down and shook him.
(LAUGHS) No, we're just clearing out a few of Marty's old things.
Your father was complaining about my stuff crowding his side of the closet.
Oh, so you're moving some of your stuff here? No, his.
And if he complains again, he's getting moved here, too.
Hey, check it out my old snake terrarium.
Oh, yeah, I remember Slinky.
You thought you would look cool showing up at parties with a snake around your neck.
Well, I would have if he hadn't escaped.
Or if you were ever invited to a party.
(CHUCKLING) Malcolm, stop being so mean to your brother.
- Yeah, thanks, Mom.
- Now, get your old, stupid childhood crap out of here.
(CHUCKLING): Out of here.
I don't blame Slinky for running away.
I would take off, too, if my owner was an "Official Klingon Ambassador.
" Well, actually Slinky didn't exactly run away.
What? Ooh, I hated that thing.
It freaked the hell out of me.
So, one day, you boys were in school, and I put it in a bag and drove it to the woods.
You let it go? Yeah, let's go with that.
I can't believe Marty never found out.
And he never will, right? Hey, well, don't worry, I did not hear a thing.
- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES) But I did! (SOBBING) Calvin.
Oh.
Hey, Gemma.
Equipment manager? You made my son the equipment manager? Hey.
It's the most important person on the team who's not technically on the team.
Calvin, I played varsity lacrosse, and we all know what happens to equipment managers.
They get teased and shoved into lockers.
- At least that's what we did to ours.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah, those were the good old days, right? I stuffed more geeks into lockers than I did books.
Calvin, being on a team made me resilient.
It toughened me up.
And that's what I want for Grover.
But (SIGHS) he's the worst player I've ever coached.
And I coached Marty.
It was one practice.
I'm sure he'll get better.
Besides, I thought you told Dave you were the best coach in the world.
I never said that.
I'm not an egomaniac.
(SCOFFS) I said California.
Look, it was your idea to put him on the team in the first place, so put him on the team.
Unless you want to be stuffed into a locker.
(FOOTSTEPS STOMPING UP STEPS) - (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) - Wow.
For a tiny little white girl, she's kind of scary.
I can't believe it.
You murdered Slinky.
Well, it was self-defense.
As soon as he saw my snakeskin boots, I knew he was coming for me.
Yeah, hey, look, come on, Marty.
It's been almost 15 years, man.
Let it go.
Well, it's easy for you to say.
You're not the one who loved him, cared for him, took him outside for his nightly slithers.
Okay, Marty, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have gotten rid of your pet like that.
What can I do to make it up to you? Well, that depends.
What else have you lied to me about? Did my old Space Camp buddy Winston Chang really move back to China, or did you kill him, too? Okay, Marty, come on.
Let me do something to make you feel better.
Like what? Anything.
Just name it.
Well, I-I do love your seafood jambalaya.
Oh.
Wow.
I mean, with all the shopping and the prep, that's gonna take all day.
Yeah, you're right.
It does take a lot of time.
Yeah.
Although death is forever.
Okay.
Fine.
I'll go to the market right now.
Well, hey, Ma, since you out there I didn't kill your pet.
Oh, man, I'm really surprised how upset you are.
I didn't realize how much you loved that snake.
Well, actually I hated that damn thing! What? Well, it was terrifying.
Like a giant piece of spaghetti with teeth.
(SCOFFS) All right, well, then why are you giving Mama such a hard time? I'll tell you why to teach her a lesson in honesty.
By lying to her? Well, I-I wouldn't call it lying.
Okay, then what would you call it? Well, I Oh, give me a break, Malcolm.
I'm in mourning.
What? Okay, Grover, you ever heard the phrase - "he got game"? - Sure.
Well, you ain't got none.
But I promised your mom I'd turn you into a player, and that's what I'm gonna do.
But I can't dribble, I can't shoot, I can't pass.
Don't forget you suck at rebounding, too.
I know.
If I have to play, I'm just gonna go out there and embarrass myself.
Oh, oh, oh, don't worry.
Look, I got a plan.
You remember when Jorge tried to get the extra orange slice at practice and you slapped his hand away? Not on my watch.
That's why I'm gonna make you the enforcer.
The enforcer? That kind of sounds like a superhero.
It is.
But instead of saving people, your job is to elbow them, foul and scare the crap out of other kids.
Am I allowed to do that? Up to six times a game.
Okay, so here.
Pretend I'm on the other team and we're fighting for a rebound.
Show me what you got.
Come on.
- (GRUNTS FIERCELY) - (GROANS) (STRAINING): And your mom said I wasn't a good coach.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Oh, look at Grover out there.
He looks so grown-up in his uniform.
Mommy loves you, snuggle bug! Mommy! I'm so nervous for him.
It feels like opening night at the school play.
My leaves were shaking so bad, they had to add a line about the gusty wind.
(CHUCKLES) (BUZZER SOUNDS) Come on, bring it in.
All right, guys.
We're gonna go out there, we're gonna play hard, we're gonna have fun, but most importantly, show good sportsmanship.
- Go Lions! - TEAM: Roar! Let's get it.
Whoa, whoa, hey, Grover.
All that good sportsmanship stuff doesn't apply to you.
Got it.
Hey-hey, and, uh, here's your mouth guard.
Safety first.
Yours, not theirs.
Thanks, Coach Calvin.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) Oh, my God, Grover's starting.
That's my son! Number 12! That's my snuggly son! Wow, yesterday Grover was the water boy.
Today he's in the starting five.
I mean, at this rate, tomorrow he's gonna be - (BOY GRUNTS) - (THUD) (WHISTLE BLOWS) Foul, number 12! In jail.
- Dude.
- Yo, what's up, man? Don't tell me you guilted Mom into baking you a pie? I sure did.
Revenge is a dish best served à la mode.
Okay, Marty, I'm off to clean your apartment.
Thanks, Mama.
Now, you sure you're okay doing this for me? Oh, anything for my baby.
Great.
Make sure you use the pine scent, because the lemon tickles my nose.
Okay, let me see if I have any.
I should've took his ass to the woods.
You know what? That's it, man.
You're taking this too far.
I'm telling Mama the truth.
Well, would a piece of this delicious blueberry pie change your mind? Do you seriously think you can buy me off with pie? What about tickets to the Lakers game? Mama got you Laker tickets? Not yet, but if I can figure out how to make myself cry, it'll be Jack Nicholson, you, and me on the floor.
Okay, I'm off.
- Here come the tears.
- Aah! - (GROANS) - Oh, oh Oh, I know.
(MARTY CRYING) - It's okay, baby bro.
- (CRYING) Slinky's in heaven now.
(MARTY CRYING) What the hell is going on out there? Grover's out of control.
Okay, uh so we got off to a pretty aggressive start, but I think he's beginning to calm down.
I mean, he hasn't fouled anybody in almost two minutes.
Dave, it's a time-out.
(BUZZER SOUNDS) Okay.
Come on! Look, maybe Calvin called the time-out to tell Grover to keep his elbows to himself.
- (BOY GRUNTS) - (THUD) - (WHISTLE BLOWS) - REFEREE: Foul, number 12! That's it.
I'm talking to Calvin.
Okay, I'm coming, too.
Even the parents on our team look like they want to kill us.
Come on, ref! That kid traveled so much, it's like he's going to see his real daddy for the weekend.
Calvin? What the hell? Grover's acting like an animal! I know, right? Forget California, I may be the best coach in the world.
I asked you to teach him how to play basketball, not turn him into a goon.
Hey, you told me to toughen him up.
Plus, we're winning.
He might not even have to use his last two fouls.
- (THUD) - (WHISTLE BLOWS) REFEREE: Foul, number 12! Okay, one foul.
So you're not gonna do anything about this? No.
Not in the middle of a game.
Fine.
Then I will.
Hey! Oh, God, this is my mom at the school play all over again.
You want to teach my kid how to play dirty? Good luck doing it without this.
She does know we have a whole rack of balls right here, right? This pie is delicious.
Yeah, I know.
I always thought the secret ingredient was love.
- Turns out, it's guilt.
- (CHUCKLES) Hey, boys.
- Hey.
- Hey, Mama.
What's that? A gift for you.
I think I finally figured out something that will make up for what I did to you.
Oh, Mom, you shouldn't have.
Although, given your savage betrayal, you probably should have.
All right, well, open it, baby.
Okay, well, whatever it is, hopefully it'll make me forget the memory of my precious snake! Yeah.
See, I realized that there's no amount of cooking and cleaning that could replace your snake.
But maybe one that's twice as big could.
- Ooh-ooh! - Ah! Aw! Do you love it? (CHUCKLING): I know I do.
- Ooh.
- (LAUGHS) Here, come on, let me put him around your neck.
Oh, look at him.
Oh, look at that, aw He's so cute.
Look at him, Mama.
He's so happy, he's about to cry.
(MALCOLM AND TINA CHUCKLE) He gonna die.
(WHISPERING): Get it off.
What, wha-what'd you say, baby? I can't hear you.
Get the snake get it get it off.
Get it off? Like, take it off of your neck? Oh, okay.
Let me hold You want me to hold him? Okay.
(SCREAMING) And that's what you get for messing with your mama! You better ask somebody! (CHUCKLES) So you knew, huh? Hell yeah, I knew! I heard you two talking when I was in the kitchen.
Um, how much did you hear? - Mmm, about this much! - Aah! Selling out your own mother for a Laker ticket? You're an even bigger snake than this one! Uh-oh, where'd it go? Aw, hell no! - I'm moving! I'm moving! - Go! (TINA YELLING) Mom, Mom, you should've seen it! I made the game-winning play! You scored a basket? No, I would have had to touch the ball to do that.
Oh, so you fouled another kid.
Oh, no.
He didn't have to.
The best player on their team was about to score the game-winning shot, but then, when he saw Grover, he threw up an airball and peed himself! (CHUCKLES) Hey, come on, buddy.
Let's go inside.
You should probably shower, and, uh, I should probably call an attorney.
Well, Calvin, congratulations.
You turned my son into a monster just so you could win a stupid basketball game.
I hope you're happy.
When you say it like that, it sounds like I'm not supposed to be.
Oh! You're unbelievable.
Look, Gemma.
You said that he had to play.
Well, this is the only way that he could do it without embarrassing himself.
Oh, really? So this was just about protecting him and not your precious winning streak? Why can't it be both? Calvin, this was supposed to be about teaching Grover the value of being on a team.
I trusted you.
Think about it.
If Grover would've went out there and played terrible, and we lost, all the other kids would have blamed him.
And then he would never want to be on a team again.
Is that what you want? Well, obviously not.
But I also don't want kids wetting their pants when he walks into a room.
Look, I was just trying to give him a role on the team where he could feel good about himself.
Yeah, but there's nothing to feel good about if he's not playing the right way.
All right.
Okay.
I hear you.
Maybe I took it a little too far.
I apologize.
Thank you.
But you got to admit, he was having a good time out there.
He did have a pretty big smile on his face.
Yeah.
So I guess I have to give you credit for that.
Well, you don't vote yourself best coach in California - for nothing.
- (CHUCKLING) I'll tell you what, I'll keep working with Grover on his fundamentals, bring him up to speed.
Thank you.
And promise me, next game, no more fouling.
Not a problem.
You don't have to worry about that at all.
He's been suspended for the rest of the season.
Hey, Calvin I just hit 12 minutes.
Personal best.
I've been watching for five seconds.
Personal worst.
(CHUCKLING): All right, come on.
Why don't you give it a try? Absolutely not.
Calvin, you have the wrong attitude.
It's stop making fun of it and start making fun a-with it.
Fine.
I'll give it a spin.
Hey, man! Huh.
That was more fun than I thought.
Snake!