The Office (US) s02e18 Episode Script

PAM: I am actually looking forward to "Take Your Daughter to Work Day.
" I am not great with kids, but I wanna get better because I'm getting married.
So I put out a bunch of extra candy on my desk so the kids will come talk to me.
Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel.
Bribery.
Nice.
Oh, I have more.
Name's Pam.
Miss Beesly, if you're nasty.
Janet Jackson.
Hey, you having a wardrobe malfunction there Michael, you can't be nasty today.
Because of that.
Oh, God.
Is that today? I reminded you last night.
Listen, I like kids.
But this is not a kids' environment.
This is like HBO.
No limits.
MICHAEL: Who knows what I'm gonna say? Crazy stuff.
And it is "R" rated.
It is not rated "G.
" I am like Eddie Murphy in Raw.
And they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in Daddy Day Care.
Both great movies, but still.
Well, I'll be in my office.
Don't you think you should say something? They're cool.
Michael, I think that as the boss you should really Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
Hi, children.
I'm Michael Scott and I am in charge of this place.
(MUTTERING) How do I make you understand I am like Superman.
And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
That's Batman.
That's Batman.
Okay.
I'm Aquaman.
Where does he live, guys? The ocean.
I work with a bunch of nerds.
(DOOR SLAMMING) Hello, tiny one.
Come on.
You are the future.
This is my file cabinet.
Oh, this is the partition between my desk and Angela's.
Abby's my fiancee Stacey's daughter.
I think she'll have a good time.
I just hope she doesn't look on my computer.
Actually, I better go check.
Michael, you remember my daughter, Melissa.
Oh, yes.
Hello, how are you? Good to see you.
Wow, you've really grown up.
You know what? If you don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox.
Better keep the frat boys away from her.
I'm in eighth grade.
STANLEY: She's in middle school.
Yeah, middle school's amazing.
It is extraordinary.
An extraordinary time.
It's not that children make me uncomfortable.
It's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.
They want how many spiral pads? Well, 50 I over-ordered because they had a back-order.
MICHAEL: Okay.
MEREDITH: I got permission to bring Jakey in to work.
Which is great because he got suspended this week and now I don't have to pay for a sitter.
Will you pull that down there? Okay, tell them what you wanted to say.
Do you need any help? No.
Thanks.
We'd have to explain everything.
It's probably just easier if we do it ourselves.
All right, I wasn't expecting that.
Let's go draw.
Oh, my God.
She is so cute I wanna die.
Don't you just love kids, Angela? I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys.
God, I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies.
Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun.
And I'm learning that fun for Kelly is getting married and having babies, immediately, with me.
Just compare last year's order to this year's.
Yeah, I'm looking at it right now.
Yes.
We Yeah, they're very They're different.
Yeah, we can stick with last year's, we're just gonna have to supplement it, somehow.
Hey, Abby, do you wanna help me shred some old documents? It's actually pretty cool.
No thanks.
I only have one goal today.
To make one kid like me.
Just one.
What are you reading? From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs.
Basil E.
Frankweiler.
Best book.
Yeah, but I've read it before.
So have I.
Hey, question: If you had to spend the night in the Met or the aquarium, which would it be? Definitely the aquarium.
Definitely.
Yes.
Glad you said that.
You don't wanna help me with some of my sales, do you? 'Cause I'm kind of swamped.
Sure.
Really? Yes.
And you're Abby, right? Yeah.
I'm Jim.
JIM: And, let's sell some paper.
ABBY: All right.
Let's start with your mom.
Yes.
Well, we can Hey, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back.
Yes, I promise.
Hello.
Can I help you? You can pick that up if you want.
That's all right.
You wanna bring it over Here, I'll make some room.
My name's Michael.
What's your name? Sasha.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, you know what that is? That is a train whistle.
Like I'm the conductor.
But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here.
Right? (WHISTLE TOOTING) You wanna try? Sure.
All aboard for sales! Next stop, Kukabonga.
(GIGGLES) (GROANING) You broke my hand! There is no way that hurt.
Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight.
Little girl, come over here.
Shake my hand.
Come on.
I don't have all day.
I don't feel anything.
Nothing.
You're so weak.
Excuse me.
These are expensive collectors' items, okay? Do you have any computer games? No, I don't have computer games on my work computer.
That would be inappropriate.
Yeah, Meredith doesn't have any either.
It's so lame here.
You call your mom, Meredith? That's very disrespectful.
Whatever, okay? You can refer to me as Mr.
Schrute.
That's your name? Mr.
Poop? Schrute.
Mr.
Schrute.
Sure, Mr.
Poop.
Schrute.
Are you Mother Goose? I drink like a hundred iced macchiatos a day and practically nothing else.
Wow.
There's a really cool coffee place, Jitterz, at the Steamtown Mall.
You ever been there? No.
You've never been to Jitterz? Ryan, you are so dorky.
Give me your number so I can text you.
MELISSA: Come on.
Do you have an e-mail address? I may be wrong, but I just thought you should know.
I think something a little fishy is going on.
STANLEY: A little fishy? KELLY: Yeah.
I mean, I've been noticing them all day, and I just think That little girl is a child! I don't wanna see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon.
Do you understand? Yes, sir.
Boy, have you lost your mind? No.
'Cause I'll help you find it.
What you looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there.
Jesus can come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.
Okay.
Stanley yelled at me today.
That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
That was Greensleeves, a traditional English ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn.
And now, a very special treat.
A book my grom-mutter used to read me when I was a kid.
This is a very special story.
It's called Struwwelpeterl by Heinrich Hoffmann from 1864.
"The great tall tailor always comes "to little girls that suck their thumbs.
" Are you listening, Sasha? Right? "And ere they dream what he's about, "he takes his great sharp scissors out "and then cuts their thumbs clean off.
" Dwight, Dwight There's a photo.
What the hell are you reading to them? These are cautionary tales for kids.
My grom-mutter used to read them Yeah, you know what? No, no, no, no.
They No.
The kids don't wanna hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.
What's a Nazi? What's a Nazi? Nazi was a fascist movement Don't From the 1930s in Germany Don't, don't talk about Nazis in front of You know what? They're gonna have nightmares.
MICHAEL: Why don't you just shut it? I was gonna teach the children how to make cornhusk dolls.
Why don't you just leave, okay? Okay.
Bye, Mr.
Poop.
All right.
There goes Mr.
Poop.
Now, who likes Dane Cook? I do! I do! Children cannot lie.
They are innocent and they speak the truth.
And out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool.
You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father because he was a very strict disciplinarian.
I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities.
This is where the magic happens.
Right over here.
Let me show you this.
See all these? You know what that is? That's paper.
This is where paper comes from.
Any questions? So, you cut the paper and dye it and stuff? No, we don't actually cut the paper.
That's a good question.
The paper is sent to us, cut and dyed, from a paper manufacturer.
And then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it.
That's not fair.
No.
Yes, it is.
Well No.
You need someone in the middle to facilitate You're just a middleman.
I'm not just a middleman.
Wait.
Why doesn't the sawmill just sell the paper directly to people? You are describing Office Depot.
And they're kind of running us out of business.
We have better service than they do.
There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody.
This is Creed.
And he is in charge of something.
Right? That is correct.
Say hi to the kids.
Hi, kids.
Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? MICHAEL: What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! Just No, no, no, no, no! Would you cut it out? What is your problem? The hair covers it up mostly.
No, no, no, we're not gonna see the four-toed Creed, okay? You know, there's something interesting about me that you might want to know.
I used to be the star of a kids' show.
CHILDREN: No way! MICHAEL: It's true.
I did.
MELISSA: You serious? I am totally serious.
There was a show called Fundle Bundle and I was the star.
ABBY: That doesn't sound like a show.
It's true.
I can prove it.
I can prove it.
Watch this.
Ryan! Can you come here a second? (MICHAEL CLEARING THROAT) I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson City.
And if she is at the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked.
I want you to boost yourself up.
All right.
I want you to go down to the basement.
In the basement is a tape labeled "Fundle Bundle.
" I want you to grab it.
I want you to get my guitar.
Right.
Okay.
I want you to get a tambourine.
Do you know how to play the tambourine? I'm already getting the pizzas from Brunetti's, so You know, I can go with him.
No! I will go.
Okay.
Thank you, Ryan.
Good attitude.
Hottest in the office.
All right.
Now, what kind of pizza do you like? MICHAEL: I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids.
You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives.
They're adults, for God's sake.
I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott, when he was a child star and a show that you might remember called Fundle Bundle.
MICHAEL: Okay, without further ado, Ryan.
WOMAN ON TV: Fundle, are you ready CHILDREN: Yeah! Let's have some fun! That is Miss Trudy.
You can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body.
MICHAEL: Okay, you can fast-forward.
And I want you JIM: Is that a real, functioning windmill? Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop.
Yes! That is Edward R.
Meow.
That's pretty funny.
Yes.
Recess! Hey, what's your name? My name's Chet.
Well, hi, Chet.
Is that Chet Montgomery? MICHAEL: I don't know.
That is! He's the meteorologist from channel 5.
"Checking in with Chet.
Doppler 7.
" ROY: That guy's legit.
What do you wanna be when you grow up? I wanna be on TV.
And he is on TV now! Would everybody please shut up? Please.
So you don't miss it.
Okay, next.
So, what's your name? Oh, that's me! That's me! (ROY LAUGHING) What's your favorite subject in school? Recess.
Recess.
So, tell me, what do you wanna be when you grow up? I wanna be married and have a 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
Okay.
Well, nice talking with you, Michael.
Back to you, Miss Trudy.
Hi, everyone.
It's one of my favorite I could have sworn there was Did you get married? No.
Why not? It just never happened.
So, do you have any kids? Nope.
JAKE: Do you have a girlfriend? I do okay.
MELISSA: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then? Yes.
JAKE: Even I have a girlfriend.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
So, you didn't get to be what you wanted to be? I guess not.
You know, I have a load of work to do.
So, I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza and I'm gonna go do my work.
Bye.
He's not coming out.
He won't pick up the phone.
I can't believe his mom dressed him like that.
That's the real tragedy.
Pam, Pam! I love this guy! Come on! So, Melissa, I met your mom a couple times.
She's so nice.
Who, Teri? That woman is not my mother.
That is my stepmother.
Mr.
Poop, I have to tell you something.
Okay.
But first, that's not my name.
You're ugly.
Well, at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school.
So Meredith! (MOCKING) Yeah? I think these belong to you.
Oh, that's okay.
She can keep those.
Believe me, she has enough toys.
She doesn't need your watch.
Thank you.
Is everything okay? You have to ask me that because you work for Human Resources.
That's true.
You know, sure, playing the field is great.
Don't get me wrong.
But there's more to life than notches on my bedpost.
Tell me something honestly.
Do you think that it is too late for me to have kids? Well, you need a wife first.
Or at least a girlfriend.
What about Not Jan.
Okay.
If you really wanna have kids, I guess you could somehow A foster parent or something.
Or biologically.
Somehow.
Thanks.
That's No, that really means a lot to me.
Hey, does Sasha have a godfather? Because Yes.
Okay.
Is it okay if I take one? Sure.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Is your job hard? It's not too bad.
I get to shred things sometimes.
Do you wanna see? Yeah! Really? Yeah.
Okay.
Here it is.
Don't put your fingers in there.
(SHREDDER HUMMING) (PAPER CRACKLING) Cool, huh? That's so cool, yeah! Yeah, I get to do this, like, every week.
That's so awesome.
I know.
Yes, it is true.
I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service.
Thousands of people have done it.
And I am going to do it.
I need a username.
And I have a great one.
Little Kid Lover.
That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Go ahead.
Do you wanna come over for dinner tonight? Oh, man, I would love to.
I can't tonight.
But can I come over some other time? What are you doing? You never have plans.
Thanks, Kev.
I'm actually going on a date.
Nice.
MICHAEL: Hey, no please.
You can't leave yet.
There's still one more thing we need to do.
(SINGING) You who are on the road Must have a code that you can live by BOTH: And so become yourself Because the past is just a good bye And teach your children well Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play.
I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer.
And feed them on your dreams My theory is that The one they picks the one you'll know by Don't you ever ask them why If I told you, you would cry You just look at them and sigh and know they love you And they do.
Your parents love you very much.
One more time.
You The Schrutes consider children very valuable.
In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields.
And if it was an especially cold winter and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood.
No, they didn't eat the children.
It never came to that.