The Ranch (2016) s02e18 Episode Script

1 Man, it's weird being down here without getting booked, huh? - Yeah.
- And being sober.
And wearing pants.
Hey, you think they keep our old mugshots? 'Cause my hair looked really great in that last one.
See if I could get a wallet size.
Who would've thought we'd be the ones picking up Mom, huh? [COLT CHUCKLES.]
It's like the day when you beat your dad at driveway basketball.
It's fun, but shit just ain't never the same.
Only time Dad ever shot a basketball was with a rifle.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, you know what? I talked to Peterson again.
I really wanna buy that ranch.
Yeah, well, I'd really like to bang Kate Winslet, but don't see that happening.
Whoa, Kate Winslet's your go-to? Titanic came out at a really important time of my life.
Plus, she gets naked in that movie.
That ship was going down something else was going up.
It's just, Peterson's giving us such a great deal.
And for the down payment, I'll throw in whatever cash I got.
The rest, we can put in the money we got from the calf sale last year.
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
We can use the money we need to run the ranch.
You know what else we could do? We could, uh, sell our house and buy a whole bunch of candy.
I thought about it.
Give me your dip can.
All right.
This dip can that's our operating money, right? This pinch right here this is our expenses for one month.
Fuckin' peach, are you serious? What? Makes your mouth taste like cobbler.
Anyway, we use the rest of this money for a down payment.
Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck, right? Our operating money is gone.
Oh, wait, what? What's this? It's a whole can of wintergreen-flavored pipeline money.
Soon as we get the check, we put it in the bank, replace the money we took.
Boom.
Golden.
Fuck, this peach is fucking delicious.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, told ya.
You wanna get kids hooked on tobacco, that's the move right there.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know.
You wanna try and make this work? We're gonna need a loan.
Yeah.
Well, you worked with Bill down at the bank, right? Yeah, I mean, you know he ran the accounts when I was running the bar.
Actually, you know, Bill owes me a favor.
Last time he was in there, he got so shitfaced, he passed out, left the keys to the bank at the bar.
- You just brought 'em back to him? - 'Course.
Gave them to the nighttime security guard at the bank right after I discovered there was a nighttime security guard at the bank.
Look, don't matter.
We'll talk to Bill about the loan, then we go talk to Dad.
All right, I'm in.
Fuck yeah! [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Here's your personal belongings.
Oh, thanks.
Sorry about that whole filthy-fucking-pig thing.
Say hi to your mom.
What's up, Wilkerson? Hey, Wilkerson, you ever get déjà vu? [THEME SONG PLAYING.]
What'd you get arrested for anyway? Me and this guy chained ourselves to a bulldozer.
It was nice.
He had hummus.
All right, so now you went to jail.
Quit this stupid protest? Stupid? Yeah.
Sorry it's not as noble as protesting the high price of beer at the Broncos game.
Eleven dollars! How's a family of four supposed to get fucked up? What are you doing this for? You ain't gonna win, so why you fighting? The only reason you guys care about this at all is because you're profiting off of it.
No, that is not true.
This pipeline's gonna bring a lot of jobs right where people need it, okay? Everyone's excited.
Like, my boy Shaggy, he's talking about giving up cooking meth and going back to welding.
Those pipeline jobs, they're only temporary.
It's like the county fair.
When it's here, it's fun, but when it leaves, there's nothing left but a patch of oily grass where they deep-fried the Snickers.
Yeah, last year they had deep-fried fried chicken.
Saw a baby have a heart attack.
Still, it was fucking delicious.
You know, you wouldn't be so gung ho about this pipeline thing if the government came in and instituted eminent domain.
I don't know.
My first question would be, "What the fuck is eminent domain?" You can't just make shit up, Mom.
It'd be like if the government all of a sudden said, "We're no longer gonna call February 'February.
' From now on, it's Toyotathon.
January, Toyotathon, March.
" Colt, don't be an idiot, man.
Everybody knows what eminent domain is, all right? "The right of a government or its agent to expropriate private properties.
" - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- [MAGGIE TSKS.]
It means they can take your property and not pay you.
Sort of how you eminent domain beers from my bar.
Yeah, they're payin' us for it.
They're not paying everyone.
In Montana, they took land from the reservation and the tribe had no say in it.
Well, it serves them right.
They took two grand from me at an Indian casino.
I didn't have no say in it.
Look, we don't gotta like the company to do business with them, all right? You know, I still go buy wood from Denny down at the lumber yard even though he's a Raiders fan.
[IMITATING DENNY.]
"Hey, Raiders beat Broncos.
" [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh, yeah, Denny? Guess what? I used to fuck your wife back in high school.
See you.
[COLT CHUCKLES.]
You're right.
I change my mind.
I now support the pipeline.
Yeah.
I'm getting married soon.
We want you to be involved in the wedding, not risking getting run over by a bulldozer that you're layin' in front of.
Wait, you got arrested for the exact same thing.
No, I passed out in front of a bulldozer.
I need some help from you and your brother ear-tagging those calves.
Where is he? Well, I told him you didn't trust him, which is why I was out there helping him fix that gatepost down by the corral.
He's like, "What? Screw that.
I can do it by myself.
Go inside.
" So now I'm in here, eating lunch, drinking a beer.
He's out there fixing the gate.
Let's try that again.
Where's your brother? He's outside.
Was that so fucking hard? - Did you talk to Mom? - No.
- You going to? - No.
Obviously, you don't want to talk about it, so I'm just gonna drop it.
Was that so fucking hard? [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Hey, Jen.
Hey, Beau.
Rooster.
Hmm.
Engineer Jennifer, you look lovely.
Thanks.
You look the same.
I brought over the final contracts you approved.
All that's left is for you to sign.
Good Lord, how many signatures do you need? Fifteen signatures, five initials and we typically ask for a first-born child, but since it's Rooster, we're gonna waive it.
Fifteen signatures.
If you need a fingerprint, I know which finger I'm using.
Man, Dad wouldn't even sign my permission slips back in school.
One time, I had to sit in the library.
My whole class was up at the Denver Zoo on a field trip.
I'm sitting there re-shelving books with Ms.
Damone.
They all got to see two baboons fucking.
Charming.
Oh, uh, here's the amendment you requested.
"Keep your black helicopters and drones off my goddamn property.
" - Looks good all printed up like that.
- [JEN.]
Mmm-hmm.
Are these, uh, protesters gonna affect anything? No, most of them are vegan.
They're very weak.
A few hours in the sun and they'll pack it in.
I'm kidding.
No, we deal with this kind of thing all the time.
We'll be fine.
All right, there you go.
[JEN SIGHS.]
Even though you said I didn't have to I threw in Rooster.
Great.
So once we officially break ground, we'll wire the funds directly into your account.
In the meantime, I'll take these back to my lair and continue my plot to destroy the environment.
Oh, come on, I'm funny.
Well finally did it, Daddy.
We sold out.
Feels good.
All right, I'll see you later.
Hey, Jen, wait up.
Okay, let me save you some time.
No, it did not hurt when I fell from Heaven.
And no, I'm not from Tennessee, despite the fact that I am the only ten you see.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, I'm not out here to hit on you.
Although, those two are pretty good.
Hey, you ever heard this one? "Heard you're looking for a stud.
Well, I got the S-T-D.
All I need is you.
" I don't know what surprises me more, that that works or that you can spell.
Look, I just wanna say maybe I came on a little strong the other day.
- The other day? - All right, every day.
But I think if you gave the Rooster another chance, he might surprise you.
When you're trying to be nice, do you have to speak in the third person? I don't know.
Maybe the Rooster does.
Rooster's joking with that one.
- Shit, Rooster can't stop.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Look, Rooster, I'm flattered.
And you're not a bad guy, you're just not my type.
And honestly, I don't think I'm yours.
The Jen is sorry.
I think the Jen might change her mind if she heard the Rooster's plan.
It actually involves a third person.
[LAUGHS.]
You'd have a better shot at a threesome with those two baboons.
Oh, say Marco.
Marco.
Bolo.
Where'd you get that stupid fucking tie? It's my interviewing tie.
It says, "I know my business, but I also might have a gun.
" [CHUCKLES.]
I think it says, "Redneck prom.
" Still good.
Oh, hey.
- Bill, hey! - How's it going? What's up, Bill? Hey, that's a strong beard, huh? Actually, I was just trying to cover a rash.
Oh, all right.
Well, that's badass, too.
Hey, thanks for meeting us on your day off.
- Oh, uh, no problem.
- Yeah.
My, uh, daughter just turned 17 and discovered she hates her mother, so it's a great time to get out of the house.
[ROOSTER CHUCKLES.]
Oh, uh, nice tie, by the way.
Thank you.
You know, my dad used to bring me to this place when I was a little kid.
- Oh, yeah? You grew up around here? - Oh, yeah, uh, dairy farm over in Ridgway.
Mmm.
It's over by the rendering plant? Yep.
Whole town smells like death.
So, uh, how's a farm kid become a banker? Oh, uh, well, my dad thought that farming was too unpredictable, so, uh, he used every penny he had and sent me to college.
Uh, but while I was away, he had a couple of rough years and the bank foreclosed on his farm.
Piece-of-shit bankers.
They should all die.
Not you, Bill.
Anyway, uh, after my dad lost his place, I knew I had to come back and try to keep the town going.
You know, all the places that I went to as a kid are disappearing.
Uh, the pharmacy, the barbershop Clark's Zoo.
Well, I guess it was less a zoo and more Clark just puttin' animals in cages.
But when you're a kid, that's just magical.
[COLT CHUCKLES.]
I remember going to that place.
I got bit by a woodchuck.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, yeah.
You had to get six rabies shots in your stomach.
That was awesome.
[CHUCKLES.]
Then you bit me and I had to get 'em, too.
All right, all right, let's talk shop.
So last year, the Animas River spill actually increased the value of your land and your herd.
The fish in the river are now growing hair, but you guys are in good shape.
Maybe you should dip your head in that river, Bill.
What? I'm kidding.
Plus, you're getting a great deal from Peterson.
So even though you guys are gonna be stretching a little thin, I'm gonna go ahead and approve the loan.
- [COLT CHUCKLES.]
- Whoa! Are you serious? [SIGHS.]
Oh.
"I'm gonna go ahead and approve the loan.
" That's the best sentence I've heard since, "The Breathalyzer's busted.
Get home safe.
" [CHUCKLES.]
So, uh, let's go over the terms.
Uh, here is how much you guys are gonna be putting down - Yep.
- Oh, and here is your monthly payment.
Okay.
Yeah.
What's, uh what's all these numbers down here? Oh.
Uh, it's closing costs.
Uh, loan fees, appraisal fees, title insurance Oh.
Yeah, we don't need those.
Oh, well, these aren't negotiable.
It's not like when my first wife asked me to pay for her boob job as a part of our divorce.
Yeah, well.
Here's the thing, Bill.
This is a lot of extra cash, you know? Yeah, we're putting everything we got into that down payment.
Oh, well.
I don't know what to say.
I mean, if you guys can't come up with the money to pay these fees, we can't move forward with the loan.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doing up here? [SIGHS.]
- Just thinking about jumping.
- Oh.
Remember, I want my ashes sprinkled into a protein shake that Tom Brady drinks, so I can finally win a Super Bowl.
I know.
You left me very detailed instructions.
And if there's anything left, the rest goes in the milk - at the Indy 500.
- Indy 500.
- How did you find me? - Oh, Rooster told me.
He also told me what happened with Bill.
I'm sorry.
Yep.
You know, I finally let myself think that all of this was gonna be ours.
[CHUCKLES.]
I forgot how beautiful it is.
[CHUCKLES.]
God, you remember when Mr.
Peterson had that haunted hayride and we made out underneath the hay? - No, we didn't.
- Oh.
Is that an eagle? This kills me, Ab.
It's, like, I came so close and now I gotta give up on the dream.
Well Maybe not.
Here.
- What's that? - It's money I put aside for the wedding.
- You can use it to close the deal.
- No.
No way.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why not? Because I'm supposed to be the one providing.
That's the whole point of getting this ranch.
If I can't give you a nice wedding and a home, what kind of man am I? I'm not taking your money.
This is not the 1950s.
We're in this together.
We provide for each other.
This money is supposed to be used for something that makes us happy.
And buying this ranch would make me much happier than paying for a huge tent and a band just so Rooster can fill up all the disposable cameras with pictures of his balls.
- Abby - It's not up for debate.
- You sure? - Yes.
[ABBY CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
So, are we doing this? Yeah.
We're doing this.
Fuck yeah! [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, I brought champagne to celebrate.
- [CHUCKLES.]
What? - Miller High Life.
- The champagne of beers! [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You know me so well.
I love you.
- [MOUTHING.]
I love you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
All right.
Are we gonna have sex in a tree? No.
We'll save our sex-in-a-tree days to Millwood Park.
What Again, not me.
What the fuck? Hey, Dad, you got a minute to Holy shit, you drinking wine? You idiots drank all the beer.
What? No.
I just bought a case of Bud yesterday.
[SCOFFS.]
You like wine! [CHUCKLES.]
- Joanne bought it.
- [COLT.]
Uh-huh.
- And it's going bad.
- [CHUCKLES.]
And you know what? New rule.
If you're over 30 and don't live with your parents, you can drink whatever the fuck you want.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, you know what? This is perfect.
We got to talk to you about something.
Why don't you sit down, turn off the Sex and the City, - and enjoy your chardonnay.
- [COLT LAUGHS.]
It's sauvignon blank, asshole.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sit down.
All right.
Here's the scoop.
[SIGHS.]
We were talking about it.
We want to buy Peterson's ranch.
Not this again.
How many times do I have to say no? It's like the goddamn pizza oven all over again.
Look, you wouldn't be saying that if you had a nice white pizza to pair with your sauvignon blank.
Now, listen.
Things have changed since we talked about this last.
Yesterday, we met with Bill from down at the bank.
He says we can make a deal.
All we got to do is come up with the down payment, he'll give us the loan.
Yeah, and if they'd have cured polio faster, your Uncle Carl wouldn't have two different sized shoes.
We don't have the money.
Dad, I'm putting in every penny I got.
And Abby threw in the money from the wedding.
So, with the rest we can bridge it with the money we got in the account, and then soon as the pipeline money comes in, we'll replace it.
Are you kidding me? That account has to last until we get the calves to market.
No, Dad.
You heard Engineer Jen.
She said the money's gonna be here in a week or two, okay? The Peterson ranch won't be.
It's a slam dunk.
Just like that pizza oven would have been.
Never would've had to order Domino's again.
Dad, this is our chance to get the land that butts right up next to ours and you know I'm serious 'cause I just said "butts up next to ours" and I didn't even make a joke.
Butts up.
- That's my favorite butt direction.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I know, right? [CHUCKLES.]
Look, the point is, Peterson's place is already running on a profit and he's offering us a way better deal than what Neumann's Hill is paying.
Did you guys really run all this by Bill? - Yep.
- Yeah.
He says he thinks we should do it.
Dad, you always tell us that a man doesn't talk, he takes action.
Well, this is us taking action.
Actually, this is us talking about taking action.
I do appreciate you taking the initiative and you make some good points.
I'll tell you what, I'll think about it.
All right, cool.
Well, thanks a lot, Dad.
No.
Excuse me? No.
You can't think about it.
Hey, Colt, you wanna do me a favor and shut the fuck up? Look I'm sorry, Dad, but you got all the information you need.
We got till Friday to do this and this chance ain't coming around again.
This is our shot.
So, no, you can't go think about it.
All right.
You know what? This was all Colt's idea.
I'm out.
You know, you you always talked to us about how much this ranch means to you.
About keeping it in the family.
How much how much longer do you realistically think we're gonna be able to do that? Sure, you know, we'll get through a year, two.
What, maybe ten.
How long you think it's gonna be till one of these corporate jobs comes in and just scoops us up? You think this place is gonna be around for my kids or my kids' kids? You're just fooling yourself.
You know, when my grandfather started this place, he was just farming it.
They were barely getting by.
Then my dad convinced him to take what little money they had and start running cows.
Two generations later, we're still here.
You know what? Fuck it.
Let's do it.
Wait, what? Um, actually, this was all my idea and I'm back in.
- You serious? - Yeah.
Maybe two generations from now, they'll look back on this moment and say that's why there's still an Iron River Ranch.
That's exactly what they're gonna say.
Or it doesn't matter what we do 'cause by then we'll all be speaking fucking Chinese.
All right.
Here's to expanding the Iron River Ranch.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Where the grass is green, the sky is blue and the only fat girls are the ones who say "moo.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Sorry, I've had that since, like, the seventh grade.
Yeah, you've been single since then, too.
- I'm so happy for you guys.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Cheers.
We should celebrate.
A toast, perhaps? So, Rooster, Colt told me that you're seeing Engineer Jen? Or was he just meaning in the bushes outside her hotel room? [COLT SNORTS.]
Nah, she's getting too clingy.
Trying to keep my distance.
That meaning that the court order says you can't come within 500 feet of her? [ALL LAUGH.]
You know what your problem is? [CLEARS THROAT.]
You don't know how to treat a woman.
- You've gotta treat her with class.
- Mmm Refinement.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go pee my lady's initials into the urinal ice.
I have a master's degree.
Yeah [SIGHS.]
Engineer Jen's pretty into me.
I mean, I'm not even returning her calls or her texts or any other badass things she does trying to get my attention.
So, like, you know, what kind of advice would you give her? I'd tell her to move on.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
So, uh, what else you got? Look, the reason why Colt and I work is 'cause we're best friends.
We hang out together.
We laugh, we talk.
You know, just take the pressure off the relationship part and just be Jen's friend.
Right.
So, like treat her like a dude? I was thinking more like a person, but yeah.
You here to protest me chopping wood? No, but I do have some poster board and markers in my car.
I could whip something up, I guess.
Why are you here, Maggie? [SIGHS.]
I wanted a grumpy old man to yell at me and my dad's dead, so I came here.
I figured you'd be pissed, so we'd need to have this out.
We don't.
Thanks for stopping by.
It's not that simple, Beau.
We live in the same small town.
We have sons together.
You can have 'em.
Colt's getting married.
I don't wanna have this fight at that reception.
Your cousin Joe's wedding was already on Cops.
Okay.
Go ahead and apologize.
For what? You know what the pipeline money means to this ranch.
Find another cause.
I'm sure there's some endangered owl somewhere who's being persecuted for his alternative lifestyle.
You can make your little jokes.
I'm not gonna back down from something I believe in because you're going to pout about it.
I included you in a family decision even though you left this family.
You had a vote, you lost.
Now you won't accept it.
You sound like a damn Democrat.
Would you get over yourself? It wasn't personal.
What's more personal than betraying your family? Can we just disagree without it being me betraying the family? Maggie, I'm tired.
When I see you at the wedding, I'll tip my hat, I'll smile.
I'll even help you wrangle Rooster's drunk ass after he takes off his shirt and starts singing "Sweet Home Alabama.
" As far as I'm concerned, you are no longer welcome on this ranch.
Wow.
I can't believe you just said that.
Don't worry, Beau.
I won't be back anytime soon.
- Hey, Rooster.
- Hey.
Engineer Jen, what's up? What are you doin'? Well, I'm just, uh, fucking with Colt's Xbox controller.
Switching the "X" button for a "B" and the "Y" button for an "A.
" That way, whenever he needs to make a spin move, he's gonna be doing a speed burst.
I guarantee he's gonna cry like a bitch.
Cool.
You're in your mid-30s, right? [CHUCKLES.]
What brings you by? Well, the surveyors are all done, so I just wanted to drop off the gate keys.
Oh, okay.
I'll tell Dad you dropped 'em off.
[SIGHS.]
So, those protesters still giving you a headache? Yeah.
What's the cure? Sex with you? No, although, I did have a wrestling coach one time who said he could cure headaches with a back rub.
He couldn't.
Actually, I was just honestly curious how your job was going.
Well, the protesters found out who I am and keyed my truck.
As far as my boss knows, they also backed it into a shopping cart.
I get it.
As far as my dad's concerned, Colt spilled nachos on his favorite chair.
This whole thing sucks.
I don't wanna upset anyone.
I just want to do my job.
I'm getting paid to work with rocks.
I love rocks.
I still remember in the sixth grade, we took this school trip to Washington, DC.
I got to touch a moon rock.
It changed my life.
From that point forward, I knew it was my calling.
Well, how do you know it was a moon rock and not, like, just some shitty rock they found at a construction site when they tore down a strip club? Why would you do that? Sorry.
Yeah.
Well, that sucks you're going through that.
Look, if it makes you feel any better, I'll let you go out back, take home one rock.
They're from Mars.
[LAUGHS.]
Thanks.
And thanks for letting me vent.
Yeah, sure.
Just trying to be a good friend.
And that's what we'll be from now on, all right? No matter what happened in the past.
I appreciate that.
- Unless, of course you wanna go inside - Nope.
- Cool.
Yeah, me neither.
[GRUNTS.]
- See you, Rooster.
All right.
See you later.
[IMITATING ABBY.]
"Just be her friend.
" [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Fuck you, Abby.
Dad? Close call at the feed store.
Almost let it slip that you drink wine.
[CHUCKLES.]
It'd be horrible if that got out, you know? 'Course, it'd be harder for me to say something if my mouth was filled with homemade pizza.
[SIGHS.]
You okay? Yeah.
Just catching my breath.
You want me to help you chop that wood? Dad? Dad? Dad? [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]