The Wild Wild West (1965) s02e18 Episode Script

Mr.
West, Mr.
Gordon, please follow me.
I wonder what it would cost to furnish our place like that.
Artie, it's not the cost.
It's the upkeep.
Gentlemen, his most exquisite highness, the ruler of the sun and the moon, the Sultan of Ramapur.
Mr.
West, Mr.
Gordon.
Your Highness, we welcome you to the United States on behalf of our government, and we bring you the good wishes of our president, who awaits your visit to Washington.
Thank you.
You gentlemen have met my chief minister, Gombal, bearer of the state seal of Ramapur, guardian of the sacred personage of the sultan and scourge of our traitorous enemies.
Our, uh, our good wishes extend to all of your royal party, Your Highness.
I understand it is a long and perhaps hazardous journey to Washington.
Is this true? It is long, Your Highness, but we'll do our best to ensure that it is safe and pleasant.
The sultan is safe as long as Gombal lives.
Uh, what if something should happen to Gombal? Well, in that case Oh, gee, an all-girl army.
Uh, very impressive, but, uh, how's their aim? The last intruder into the royal palace had 14 bullets removed from his body.
The laughable part was he was only a harmless messenger.
You're not laughing.
Oh.
Ha-ha.
Only because I was thinking about what effect your troops might have on our troops when we get to Washington.
Yes, you see, especially since our troops might just want to fraternize with your, uhtroops.
Yes, I see what you mean.
Very well.
I will travel alone with you to Washington, but one thing must be understood.
Uh, yes, Your Highness? That you guarantee the safety of the priceless gift I bring your president, a gift symbolic of international friendship.
Oh, I believe we can guarantee that.
Don't speak too hastily, for the treasure I bring is beyond all price.
It involves our national honor, and it must be guarded with your very lives.
Yes.
Wonderful, Your Highness.
Could you perhaps give us some idea as to just what it is we're guarding? Behold Akbar, of the sacred white elephants of Ramapur.
N-now wait a minute.
No stealing.
Akbar, you're not getting the idea at all.
You cannot get to this.
Now- Now just- Just watch me.
Will you please watch me? All right, we toss it up in the air and catch it in the mouth.
That's the whole trick.
All right, here we go.
All right, no stealing, I told you.
Here we go.
Oh.
You know, you're lucky you're sacred, 'cause you've got no talent at all.
Dinner time.
Oh, welcomer words were never spoken.
It's not for you, Artie.
It's for Akbar.
Oh.
Is Akbar standing the trip well, do you think? A good deal better than I am, Your Highness.
Uh, listen, Jim, since you're spelling me anyway and I'm starving, do you mind if I get into the galley and make myself a little soufflé or something? Your Highness.
Mr.
West, am I imagining it, or is the train slowing down? Uh, it's standard procedure for a train to reduce speed when going through a canyon.
Oh, there's danger? No, nothing serious.
This is a slide area, and occasionally, there's a rock on the track, that's all.
We're all set.
The tracks are all blocked.
Okay, you got your orders.
Let's go.
Hyah! I'm amazed at the extreme ruggedness of your countryside.
Oh, this is some of the roughest part.
It'll level off soon, sir.
What's happening? Probably just a rock slide.
There's nothing to be concerned about.
No, no, no.
No shooting.
You may injure Akbar.
That's good advice, fatty.
Now tell our friend here to drop his gun, and nobody'll get hurt.
Please.
Please, don't kill me.
I have money.
Now, there's a coincidence for you.
Hand it over.
All right, the jewels too, unless you want to lose a set of matching fingers.
Go see how the boys in the other room are doing.
Come on, hurry up.
Hey, look at- Look at- Get going.
Yeah, yeah, but- Get going! Okay, friend Hand yours over, and don't be too long in delivering it.
Hold it.
That's it.
Now just straighten up easy.
You've just earned yourself a working over, friend.
Hey.
Well, well, what have we got here? That's what I was trying to tell you.
Shut up.
I'm asking the questions.
What is it? It's a big dog with a long nose.
Oh, is that so? Well, from the color of it, I'd have thought it was one of those hairless polar bears.
Hey, you know what? I often wondered what an elephant steak would taste like.
No, no! In the name of all that's holy- Whoo-hoo.
Heh, heh.
Next one's gonna be right between your eyes, friend.
Now get over here and drag this elephant out.
Why? 'Cause we're taking him with us, because elephants are worth money, lots of it.
Come on, little doggie.
All right, now you just stay right where you are, friend, until we're long gone.
Anybody fires one shot, and I'll kill that elephant.
You'll be all right, Your Highness.
How is he? He's out cold, Artie, but he's gonna be all right.
Two of them jumped me before I even had a chance- Where's Akbar? I'm going after him right now.
Oh, you are, huh? That's right.
Which leaves me, of course, to handle the really dirty end of the job, doesn't it? What are you talking about? Facing his chubby highness when he comes to.
Old friend, I can tell you just one thing: I'm so very, very glad it's you and not me.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I'm sure.
Here you go, Luke.
There's your share.
Marty.
Here you go, Bear.
Here's your cut, kid.
Well, uh, uh, this amount ain't much for the risk we took.
What about them rings and jewels, and stuff you took off that fat guy with the robe? Well, you'll get your share, kid, as soon as we sell the stuff unless you got other ideas.
No, I- I guess not.
W-what about that elephant? H-how we gonna collect on that, huh? Well, you let me worry about that too, huh? I'll collect the ransom and plenty of it.
Meantime, you get rid of it.
You mean, kill it? We can't do that.
Well, you know, Hillard, sometimes I got a feeling you belong behind a ribbon counter.
What I mean is, how are we going to collect any ransom on that thing if we kill it now? Well, you got a lot to learn about kidnapping, little fuzzy friend.
They pay the ransom money first, and by the time they find out they've paid out for a dead corpse, who cares? Yeah, well, I still don't like it.
Now how do you feel about it? I like it, I like it.
Honest, I do.
I like it.
Okay, now get over there and take care of it, and make sure you don't miss.
Come on, you little troublemaker.
Come on.
$1 million? That is what I said.
$1 million American.
For a baby elephant? Your highness, that's more than $1,000 a pound.
You can't buy sacred white elephants by the pound, not even at any price.
One million dollars is a ridiculously small sum to demand for damages.
It is what my ministers have decided, so send that telegram to your president.
"The sum of $1 million in cash from the United States government to ensure the safe-" "The safety of American citizens in Ramapur.
" What are a few mere citizens? Not even an ambassador and his family compare to a sacred white elephant.
Send the telegram.
That's from President Grant.
"Take all possible steps "to calm sultan "and recover elephant.
"Above all, remain firm "on question "ofdamage payments.
"Our government must not be threatened with extortion.
" Extortion? He calls our just claim for damages extortion? He insults my ministers.
Oh, no, no, no.
Your Highness, you misunderstand our position.
You misunderstand my position.
Take a wire to my chief minister Gombal in San Francisco.
Your Highness, may I suggest that you think twice, maybe even thrice, before doing anything hasty? Say to him that I'm returning at once to San Francisco to sail for Ramapur.
The official visit to Washington is canceled.
Your Highness- Prepare to break off diplomatic relations and seize all Americans in Ramapur as hostages.
Okay, boys, ante up the three-toed Pete.
Well, look who's here.
Elephant boy, looking for his pet.
And in addition to the damages that your government will pay, I am demanding an abject apology to be publicly- You're not even listening to me.
Oh, no, no, no, no, Your Highness, I'm hanging on every word.
Are you going somewhere? Yes.
As a matter of fact, I have a feeling that, uh, Jim may be in a little difficulty.
I'd like to make myself available to him.
Preposterous.
You're not even armed.
Oh, yes, I am.
Firecrackers? Well, that's just a lot of noise.
That's right, Your Highness, but you'd be amazed what you can accomplish with the right kind.
Let me get your measurements.
You know, there ain't enough dirt here to bury a rat.
Looks like you win another reprieve.
Don't thank me.
It wasn't my fault.
Always.
Here, you take this one.
Very good boy.
Hey.
Ha, ha.
Oh, we have one that is hungry.
Ah-ha.
Ha, ha, ha.
Hello.
You are looking for me? No.
I came to see how the animals are doing.
My queen the circus is going bad.
Let us get away from here, run away together.
Things are not that bad yet.
Besides, the circus is my responsibility.
Mikolik, what we need is a new attraction.
Something unusual, something big.
Ah-ha.
What is it? I think I'm getting psychic.
Oh, gypsies are supposed to be psychic.
I know, I know, but I think I really am.
Go find something to wrestle, darling.
Hello, cowboy.
You scared me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
And of course, you are looking for a place to camp.
May I offer you the hospitality of our fire? We are the Zagora Family Circus, renowned in Europe and now making a triumphant tour of your American West.
Oh, well, I, uh I better be riding on, ma'am.
My, what wonderful eccentrics you Americans are.
Now, who would have dreamed that a cowboy would be leading an elephant instead of a Ahh Ha, ha, ha.
I know what you want.
What are you getting at? You have been hearing stories about what easy marks we gypsies are, so now you think you can get me to buy this elephant for a very big price, huh? Oh, it might be, miss.
Call me Zoe.
And not a penny more than $500.
Five hundred dollars? All right, all right.
$750, and I'll throw in a free fortune.
Come on.
I feel the spirits very strongly.
They are calling.
They have a message for you.
Me? Huh.
You sure? I'm positive.
Now you must help me.
Look into the crystal very deeply.
Concentrate.
I don't see nothin'.
Concentrate.
Ahh.
The spirits are getting closer.
Ah-ha.
Now the spirits are close at hand.
Soon the future will be revealed to you.
It's getting awful bright.
Concentrate.
I see I see that you have recently had a most, uh unusual experience.
You're right, yeah.
You could say that all right, yeah.
And in the future, I see Ah-ha, perhaps in the very near future for you there is a great surprise.
What is it? You are going to lose a very large, very valuable object.
Mikolik, where is the elephant? He is already in the animal wagon.
Good.
Drag this fool out of here, put him on his horse, and get him on his way.
Ah, that's real clever.
Okay, on your feet, and you keep your hands up.
Next you're going to tell me to drop the knife, right? Oh, you're a mind reader too, huh? If you had a mind to read.
Drop it.
That's real cute.
You got any more tricks? Luke.
Marty.
See who that is coming down the trail.
If that's somebody you brought down here with that signal, you're not gonna live long enough to say hello to them.
Keep your guns on him.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Hey, Scullen, who shot off that flare? I did.
I thought you might need some help to find your way home.
Oh, okay.
What did you do with the elephant? Pow, pow, pow.
Are you sure? Do you think I got it in my back pocket or something, huh? I never heard any gunshots.
I guess the wind was blowing the wrong way or something.
All right, hold your fire, boys, until I tell you different.
All right, drop those guns fast.
You're surrounded.
I said hold your fire.
All right, what's it gonna be? You gonna drop it? All right, uh, all of you now move over here and keep your hands up where I can keep my eye on you.
Those aren't shots.
They're firecrackers.
How'd you like my coyote? That was a coyote? I had three answering calls from females proposing marriage.
Where's Akbar? Ask him.
He's an authority on the subject.
You heard what I told Scullen.
Pow, pow, pow, pow.
Last time I heard the routine, there were only three "pows.
" Hey.
I've had enough of this.
It wasn't my idea.
Scullen gave the orders.
Well, Scullen took off.
He can't hurt you now.
Admit you didn't kill that elephant.
All right.
You might as well know.
The elephant ain't dead.
Where is it? I, uh I lost it.
You lost an elephant? That takes talent.
You see, it was like this: Uh, I met up with this gypsy queen, and she had this little crystal ball and Looking for something? Oh, I-I thought I could have my fortune told here.
Of course.
For you, I would say the future is very, very short.
You wouldn't shoot anyone with that cannon, would you? Only one thing holds me back.
There is nothing more irritable than a band of gypsies wakened out of a sound sleep.
Oh, well- Well, that's simple.
If you'll drop the gun, I'll leave very, very quietly.
First you'll tell me why you were snooping around the camp.
Gypsies are very sensitive about their privacy.
Speak up.
I don't want to shoot a handsome thief.
Thank you.
Well, you see, it was like this: I am, uh, trying to evade the law, and I thought maybe I could join your circus, and sort of blend in with the scenery.
I like your spirit, but unfortunately, we have no job openings.
We're a very small outfit.
If we were any smaller, we'd be a flea circus.
Well, I, uh- could you use an acrobat? I can do a few simple stunts.
Oh, yeah? Show me a free sample.
Not bad.
What's your name? Jim.
The last name varies.
Jim.
What a great name for a gypsy.
Oh, it could be changed.
Do you think you can get me an audition with the headman now? Uh-huh.
I'm the headman.
Well, that's a- That's a great disguise.
What's your name? Ralph? I am Zoe Zagora, queen of the Zagora gypsy circus, sorceress, seeress, infallible reader of cards and tea leaves, and bail bond expert.
Your highness.
I'm Gregorio the Great, the king of the trapeze, and peanut vendor.
Ha, ha, ha.
You know, Jim, I think you might fit right in here with us, but there's one problem.
Gypsy men are extremely jealous, especially of outsiders.
Well, I can take care of myself.
Is my fortune improving? I don't know.
You just fogged up my crystal ball.
Hold, hold.
That's a nice-looking elephant.
Hey, trunk.
Trunk.
That's kind of an unusual shade of gray, isn't it? All elephants are gray.
Listen, Gregorio, or whatever your name is, you may be able to fool Queen Zoe, but you don't fool me.
You are up to no good here.
Animals like me.
But I don't.
And neither do any of the other men in this camp.
I think you're exaggerating.
Am I? Am I exaggerating? Uh, it's, uh- It's not necessary to answer, fellas.
Gregorio has challenged me, the gypsy dance of death.
You insist.
I accept.
I give you one final chance to leave us.
Everyone will know you are a coward, but at least you will have saved your life.
Whenever I go to the theater, I like to stay for a full performance.
I naturally want to know how it ends.
It ends with a knife.
The knife.
Isn't there some alternate ending to this? Why would you show me mercy? Well, because you're too valuable to the circus.
You are right.
I yield.
It's a tie.
Tie.
Did I hear somebody say ties? I have hundreds of ties, my good friends.
Ties of every kind and- No grabbing at the merchandise, please.
Everybody gets his opportunity.
I have ties, and I have dolls.
Antumo your peddling man here to serve you with joy and gladness.
You are about to witness what is undoubtedly the greatest emporium known to man.
Ladies and gentlemen I have ties to sell Each one a tribute to the weaver's art.
A glory of veritable texture and pattern, designed to make something noble of the ignominious area of a gentleman's neck.
How are you fixed for precious jewels? You say you want precious jewels? My good man, good fortune has smiled on you this day beyond your wildest dreams.
I happen to be the world's greatest purveyor of the rarest and most genuine imitation precious jewels since the death of Tutankhamen of ancient Egypt.
Behold the rubies of Rajnapoor, the diamonds of Daikir Bejun.
The pearls plucked from the sea-swept tombs of Jahawaral in ancient Siam.
No comments from any of the dissatisfied customers.
All of these available to you, my friends, today, for a pitiful, pitiful handful of pennies.
Get away from me with that nickel, boy.
A pitiful handful of pennies if purchased by the dozen.
Twelve for the price of $1 even, my lucky friends, a price designed to make the heart leap for joy.
What's the news from Washington? Oh, that it's all bad.
The sultan was as good as his word.
He's ordered the Americans in Ramapur seized as hostages.
Then he means business.
Yep.
He's issued an ultimatum.
Either he gets his sacred elephant back, or a million dollars in cash.
Or? Or he sails back to Ramapur, and gives orders for the Americans there to die, including the ambassador and his family.
The gypsies have Akbar.
They painted him gray.
Well, white is a little conspicuous for an elephant.
Yeah.
Why haven't you taken Akbar back? Because I can't run very fast carrying an elephant on my back.
you know, we could, uh, order out the cavalry and retake Akbar like Bunker Hill.
That would mean a lot of senseless killing.
I still haven't figured out how the gypsies got Akbar.
One thing for sure, they're not going to give him up.
He means a lot to their circus.
All right.
Oh, by the way, how are you getting along with the gypsies? Oh, fine.
I'm learning a lot.
Here's your wallet, and here's your watch.
See you later, Artie.
I'll bet that's the last cigar he ever accepts from me.
Come on, Akbar.
We've got to get out of here.
Come on.
Where are you going with the elephant? Elephant? What elephant? Oh, th-that elephant.
Uh, well, I happened to be walking through the woods, and I-I- Never mind, because now you will die.
Why do we not kill them now? No.
They will die slowly, by the most horrible gypsy tortures.
Really? What torture is that? I don't know.
I'm still thinking about it.
Zoe, you must listen to me.
From you, I want to know only one thing: How could you prefer an elephant to me? I'm a government agent.
I must return that elephant to the sultan of Ramapur.
Ugh, you're no gypsy.
You don't know how to lie convincingly.
Believe me, it's not a lie.
If this is the truth, why didn't you tell me before? Because I had to make sure you weren't part of the ransom plan.
That train robber said he made a deal with you.
And you, who are you, the sultan? No, I'm another government agent, and he's telling you the truth.
That elephant can cost a million dollars or many American lives.
This is so ridiculous, it has to be the truth.
It's not just an ordinary elephant.
It's a sacred white elephant, and you've painted him gray.
We did no such thing.
Let us prove it.
If we're lying, then you can kill us.
I think that is only fair.
Why do we not let them try? Easy now, boy.
This won't hurt a bit.
All you've got to do is come clean, and we'll all be home free.
Jim I'm getting the most uncomfortable feeling.
I know just what you mean.
You think this elephant might be an imposter? Nope.
This is Akbar, but he's not painted now.
Yeah, which means he was painted before.
That finally explains the meaning of this.
I don't get it.
Remember when Scullen and that crew dragged us off the train? Yeah? We overlooked this thing, hmm? Fabulous.
It must be worth $1.
39.
Mm-hmm.
Fake sacred elephant, fake ruby ring.
It's a set.
Making our sultan a royal con artist.
Right.
Enough.
Enough of this farce.
Maybe Queen Zoe is too soft-hearted to kill them, but I am not.
And we will do it now.
Let's get 'em.
Look, I did my job just as I was ordered.
Now I expect to get paid.
You'll be paid when I am paid.
When's that going to be? Oh, very soon now.
I've given the United States government until 6:00 tonight to meet my terms.
I'm sure they'll pay rather than create an international incident.
Okay, but sultan or no sultan, you better not welsh on that deal.
For that matter, how do I know that you've fulfilled your part of the bargain? Because I told you.
That elephant's as dead as a dried-up herring.
You have proof of this? What do you want, an obituary? Now look, you get off your overstuffed high horse, or I'm gonna- Gombal, come in here, please.
You have done well.
You called, Excellency? Mr.
Scullen has become obstreperous and insulting.
I wish to sever our connection with him.
Down.
Your head on that stool.
Would Your Excellency like to avert his eyes? No.
I seem to remember a nasty blow I received on the head.
I shall enjoy watching this time.
Proceed.
Oh, what a country.
Always some interruption.
See what it is, Gombal.
The party's over, sultan.
Hardly, Mr.
West.
Beautiful gun, Your Highness.
It fires a beautiful bullet, Mr.
West.
I'm sure it does.
Ah, but first there's, uh, two points I'd like to make.
Yes? One: Mr.
Gordon is covering you with his gun.
Your second point, Mr.
West? You're under arrest, Your Highness.
Why is that? Well, he had emptied the royal treasury, his government was bankrupt, so he decided to, uh, get a million dollars for a phony sacred elephant.
You know, we've really all grown very fond of Akbar.
But I suppose now we have to give him up, huh? Artie and I are supposed to find a good home for him, so why don't we just leave him with you? Uh, let me ask you something.
How did he happen to change color? Well, when we first found him, we had to cross a stream, and Akbar decided to take a bath.
Found him? Of course.
I knew that cowboy couldn't own a white elephant, so rather than embarrass him, I decided to help him out.
Oh, you're all heart.
Ha, ha, ha.
Bravo.
Thank you very much.
I'm, uh- I'm sorry Zoe, but we have to leave now.
Oh, I'm so sorry too.
But if ever you don't like your jobs, remember that I have openings here for you, huh? Oh, thank you.
You're most kind.
Very nice.
Goodbye.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
More wine, Your Highness? No, just the sip, dear friend.
Oh, how well your book of proverbs says it: "If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat.
"If he be thirsty, give him water to drink.
"So shall thou heap coals of fire upon his head.
" Oh, surely this piece of jewelry is in rather bad taste.
Uh, not as far as our government's concerned.
Specific orders from our state department, Your Highness.
The Sultan of Ramapur is to be returned to Washington under maximum security conditions.
Oh, what a bore.
And all for what? To see to it that I am, uh, deported- I think the word is- back to my own country? Oh, gentlemen, we're all men of the world, aren't we? Admittedly, I was indiscreet in the little incident of Akbar, but, uh, surely men of good will such as we can, uh, reach an accommodation.
Let me pose a hypothetical situation.
Supposing you gentlemen were to absentmindedly unlock these, uh, restraining bracelets, then order the train stopped, and, uh, just looked the other way while I stroll off.
What harm would there be? And, uh, after you've gone, we discover these priceless rings that you've left behind.
It's a pleasure to deal with such understanding gentlemen.
Then it's agreed, Mr.
Gor- Oh! Very well, then, go through with your ridiculous charade.
What do you imagine will happen when I am deported back to my own country? I shall be overwhelmed by the love and happiness on every side as I seek my- Well, Mr.
Gordon, you have the look of a man with a loathsome secret.
This dispatch just came in over the wires.
"Monarchy in Ramapur overthrown.
Stop.
"Constitutional government decreed.
Stop.
Waiting to try ex-sultan.
" Oh, well.
As you say so well in your country: You can't win 'em all, can you? Does this mean that we have- Arrived in Washington.
So you won't be needing these any longer.
Mr.
West? Mr.
Gordon? I'm here to take delivery of the Sultan of Ramapur.
The ex-sultan, my dearest chap.
Haven't you heard? Well, gentlemen, the curtain has run down.
I hope you'll permit me one final generous gesture.
There is a parting gift for both of you behind the curtain.
Adieu.
Adieu.
It was a nice gesture, but I'm afraid the sultan isn't aware of the fact that we can't accept gifts.
Well, there's no harm in at least looking at the merchandise, is there? No.