Xena: Warrior Princess s02e18 Episode Script

Good, there’s a tavern.
I’m hungry.
Hey! I’ve got an idea.
Let’s shop.
What do we need? No, not that kind of shop.
Shop, shop.
You know, browsing, haggling getting a deal.
A deal on what? Ah, who knows?See, that’s the fun part.
Something completely frivolous.
Xena, come on, let’s squander a couple of dinars.
Hey.
OK, I can see it’s not your thing.
Look, if you wanna browse haggle, and squander, go ahead.
I’ll meet you in the tavern.
How much for this piece of scrap? That finely-woven Egyptian prayer scarf is five dinars.
You’ve gotta be kidding.
I suppose I could knock a dinar off the price for you.
Yeah, why don’t you? Some fool might come by who wants to throw away four dinars.
I can go as low as three dinars but, that’s firm.
Well, you know, I guess I could use it to wipe the sweat off my horse.
One dinar.
Two, and you have a deal, OK? OK, OK.
Thank you.
It’s not worth it, I tell you.
I can do better over there.
Don’t make me break your neck.
Gabrielle? Gabrielle? Hey! That’s my staff.
It is not.
It belongs to a friend of mine.
That irritating little blonde? She won’t be needing it anymore.
And why not? Because I killed her, Xena.
And now, I’m gonna kill you.
Admit it, Xena.
That last move is worthy of you! Come on, Xena.
Don’t hold back.
Or, are you afraid of me, hmm? That’s understandable.
I don’t have a soft spot for you like Draco did.
And I’m not out of control like Callisto.
What did you do with Gabrielle? And don’t tell me you killed her! I know that’s a lie.
Why are you so sure I didn’t kill her? ‘Cause when I got the oil in my eyes, you didn’t strike.
You haven’t got the killer instinct.
Hey! Don’t kid yourself.
I just couldn’t stab you in the back in front of all those witnesses.
It would defeat the entire purpose.
What do you mean? I want to be known as the man who killed Xena in a fair fight.
Face to face.
So, that’s it.
You told me you killed Gabrielle to egg me into a fight.
Not just a fight.
A fight to the death.
The man who kills you will have quite a reputation.
Where’s Gabrielle? I don’t think it’s time for me to tell you that.
Now, you got thirty seconds to tell me where she is.
See, I don’t think you quite understand.
I’ve cut off the flow of blood to your brain.
You’re gonna die a very ugly death, unless you start talking.
I called your bluff! I knew you wouldn’t let me die! Not when I know where your little buddy is! Did you see that?! Tell everyone! Palamon called Xena’s bluff! Now, it’s your reputation that’s hurting! Admit it.
I’m a very formidable foe.
No, you’re nothing but a stupid kid with a very limited life expectancy.
Hey! What are you doing?! I’m not letting you out of my sight until I find Gabrielle.
If anything happens to her, next time it won’t be a bluff.
That oil I got in my eyes, has that got sumac in it? Yes.
I sell the mixture as a dye.
Come on.
So, who’s this Gabrielle, anyway? A friend.
Yeah, I’ve got friends who could be following up right now.
What’s the matter, Xena? Battle fatigue? You wish.
Hey, Xena? What do you think of my fighting style? What? Come on, give some credit where it’s due.
I’m quick, I’m agile, I think on my feet.
I bet you won’t fight me again because you know I’d win.
Don’t flatter yourself.
Young thugs like you are a dinar a dozen.
I know five warlords that’d tell you different if they could.
They can’t, ‘cause they’re dead.
You ever heard of Krakus of Pyla? I killed him.
I’ve got talent, and you know it.
Oh, yeah, and you’re real brave.
That’s why you kidnap young girls.
A guy’s gotta make a living.
You kidnapped Gabrielle for money? Yeah.
When I heard what kind of a girl they were looking for, I figured I could kill two birds with one stone.
Give them what they were looking for for a fee, and get you to fight me.
Who are these people you’re talking about? Oh, come on, Xena.
You don’t want me to make it too easy for you.
Oh, no.
The easy thing would be killing you right now.
Let me go, please! Are those the dulcet tones of the future Queen? Queen? Ape Didn’t anyone mention that? King Solus has chosen you for a bride.
This is your lucky day.
King Solus.
No,it can’t be possible.
I, Well, I’ve never even met him.
No matter, my dear.
You’re sure to win his heart; you’re the right type.
Just look around you.
As you can see, we have a long tradition of making innocuous blue-eyed blondes our Queen.
Yeah, well I’m more of a redhead, really.
Look, I’m not marrying anyone.
For all I know, the king is incredibly handsome.
Not that that, that that matters.
My hands are tied, Gabrielle.
What the king needs, the king gets.
Well,um,if I could talk to him He’d marry you immediately.
You’re perfect.
I trust you’ll find your royal chambers satisfactory,my Queen.
Get in there! The warrior woman, that travels with our Queen That braggart Palamon said he’d take care of her.
She’s headed this way.
We’ve got a real problem.
Solve it! Take the best of the palace guard.
Nothing’s to interfere with my plans.
Tell me,all, about her.
Who is she? A princess from City-State.
A Countess from Carthage.
Oh, they are so sophisticated! Ape I’m afraid not, Vidalis.
She’s a commoner.
A commoner? Yes, but it does present a problem.
As you know, the royal court must approve the king’s choice.
I’m counting on you to turn the little peasant trash into a Queen.
Me? But I was trained at the royal finishing school, not, on Mt.
Olympus.
You’ll make her a Queen, or I’ll make you dead.
I,don’t respond well to threats.
However, actual pain can be quite persuasive.
Oooh!We’re getting close now, Xena.
We’re about to walk into the middle of some of my friends.
They like me.
Go figure.
They won’t take kindly to the way you’re treating me.
I thought you were gonna kill her, Palamon? I’ll get around to it.
Don’t bother.
If they resist, kill them.
Let’s get her! With friends like these It would be a whole lot easier if I could use my hands! Quick!Cut me loose! It’s my turn , fellas.
Where’s my sword? Come on.
Come on! Now, where were we? Is there a problem? You tell me You’re blind! You can’t see a thing, can you? Where’s the challenge in killing you now? It would be worse than stabbing you in the back.
Here!When you get your eyesight back, I’ll come visit you again.
Hey! What are you doing? Are you crazy?! No, but I am in a hurry, and I need you to be my eyes.
Forget it! You and I are gonna find Gabrielle.
And anything that happens to me happens to you first.
I hope this works.
Oh, wait! Stop her! Get away from that!.
No! Look, you made a big mistake.
I can’t marry the king.
Oh, listen,every bride gets the jitters.
Is he the right one?Will it last? But, don’t you worry.
Vidalis will take care of everything.
What’s Vidalis? That’s me.
All right.
Look.
My best friend is Xena, Warrior Princess.
And she is not going to like this forced wedding thing, if you get my drift.
A little husky, don’t you think? Husky? This whole threat thing.
It’s not very ladylike.
And take your hands off your hips! You look like a scrub-woman! What? Just trying to teach you to act like a lady.
I know perfectly well how to act like a lady! You have the hand gestures of a wagon-driver.
I can’t believe this.
And that dialect.
Thrace,Macedonia? Oh,what does it matter? Backwoods is backwards,as they say.
Posture is not bad.
Yes,we can cover up that peasant muscle,but these dishwasher hands,Ohhhh! Uh, white gloves might be a solution.
You don’t think I’m the right type to be a Queen, do you? Not really.
Yeah,well I agree.
None of this makes any sense.
Why would King Solus wanna marry a complete peasant stranger? Who knows?I say,sit back,and enjoy the ride.
I can’t;I won’t;You can’t make me! Hungry,my Queen? Oh, well,a couple of grapes.
I gotta get out of here.
How’s your curtsey? So,Gabrielle is to be King Solus’ wife? Yeah,not such a bad fate.
I convinced them she was the right physical type.
Then I played up the whole sturdy peasant stock thing to make her sound ripe enough.
Y’know, something doesn’t fit here.
A peasant girl isn’t usually a very desirable match for a king.
Something else is going on here.
Stop it! Don’t even thing about it.
Nothing is unlocking these except for the key.
You must be pretty scared right now.
Of you?You must not be paying attention.
Not of me.
Of the unknown.
You don’t know what’s happened to your eyes.
Yes, I do.
They’ve been saturated with sumac.
It causes blindness temporary if treated within a day.
And if it isn’t? I’ll be blind for life.
What’s the treatment? Cleansing your eyes with a solution of palm oil and Egyptian senna.
It sounds hard to find.
Any market in Athens’ll have it.
Well, if I were you, I’d be headed for Athens.
Well, you are,not,me.
I’ve gotta save my friend.
Well, that must be some friend.
Stables.
The castle’s not far from here.
You can smell the horses from here? Well, not the horses themselves.
That’s very observant.
You know, being chained to you might not be so bad.
I could pick up a few pointers.
I’m not teaching you anything.
Ah, but you already have.
I’ve studied you, Xena.
Every battle, every conquest.
How do you think I became the warrior I am today? You are wrong to model yourself on who I used to be.
I was confused back then.
No, you were committed.
You had power and nothing could stop you.
People knew who you were.
You commanded respect.
I commanded fear.
It was no way to live.
Fear,respect.
Call it what you will.
But, you were the best.
That’s why I’ve got to kill you, Xena.
Then I will be the best.
Thank you.
Wait till you see her.
As you know, King Solus has selected his bride.
All that remains is your approval.
Without further ado, may I present Lady Gabrielle.
Gabrielle, come on out, we’re waiting for you.
Not until I speak to the king.
I’m begging you.
I’m under a lot of pressure here.
By the gods, girl,have some compassion.
All right, I’m coming out.
Ah, there she is now.
She’s beautiful.
This is hopeless.
Just, remember-- Baby steps.
You only curtsey to Apex.
Just skip the curtsey Just remember to watch your tones.
It’s so good to see you.
And now,may I propose a toast.
Here, here.
A toast!.
To Gabrielle, who’ll soon become our Queen.
To the future Queen! Here, here.
Cheers! To many healthy children! Well, is it finished? Long live Queen Gabrielle, indeed! Spread out.
You two, go north.
There’s a patrol of guards between us and some woods.
If we make it to the trees, we might be able to lose them.
You know, you’re probably right.
Follow me.
There she is! After them! Quickly! After them! This way, Xena! Wait! I’m losing my grip! How far to the bottom? We’re dead.
What are you doing?! There’s no reason for both of us to die.
Wait! Xena! Check this way! They won’t get far! Come on, keep moving! I’ll pull you up! And help you to get Gabrielle back, on one condition! When you can see again, I want another shot! A fair fight to the death! If you don’t agree, I’ll cut the vine.
Agreed? Agreed.
No, no!Like this.
That’s better.
Now, work on the look:haughty, confident.
You are not reaching out for a glass of beer in a tavern.
You are extending your hand for a kiss.
It should flutter up, like a graceful dove.
Flutter up like a graceful Once more, with style.
Your movements should be slow and gentle.
You are not pulling a plow! What do you think you’re doing? Can you take me to the king? And risk a royal hanging? I don’t think so.
Have you ever been in love, Vidalis? I mean, really in love.
Well, there was a certain someone.
Now, when you think of that person, can you imagine being with anyone else? Well, now you know how I feel.
I can’t marry the king because my heart belongs to another.
And even though I can’t be with them now, I’m not ready to be with anyone else.
So you have to help me, Vidalis, please? You’re breaking my heart.
Down the hall, third door on the left.
So, what’s the plan? Hey! I know! We’ll, we’ll invade, the same way you did in Vivlauser, a few years ago! Setting the oil reserves on fire was a stroke of genius! They say you could hear their men scream all the way to Athens.
Or, how about the way you slaughtered those men in Corinth, eh? Those aren’t pleasant memories for me.
And I don’t like you talking about them as though they are! What do you mean? You were brilliant.
My only hope is that someday I’ll be half as good.
And I’m the one who’s supposed to be blind.
Your Majesty, I’m sorry to disturb you before the wedding, but, uh-- Well, you know, I thought we should meet sooner or later, right? I knew you’d understand.
Cold hands.
You must be as nervous about this as I am.
Or not.
The truth is, that-- Well, I can’t marry you.
No, no, no, it’s not you, it’s me.
I’m just not ready for this kind of commitment.
Which is probably better for you anyway, because all the men I get serious about seem to wind up dead.
Your Majesty? Sweet mother of Zeus! I see you’ve spoiled the surprise.
He-- he’s-- Dead.
Yes,it happened a few days ago an unfortunate accident in the royal baths.
You mean, I’m supposed to marry a Precisely.
You see, our kingdom is governed by a constitution.
If the king dies without an heir, then the throne passes to his cousin in another kingdom.
If , however, the king is married at his death, the monarchy is dissolved, and the power goes to the kingdom’s ministry.
In other words, Apex becomes king.
Why, yes.
What a happy coincidence.
What happens to me? Now, that’s the fun part.
By ancient proclamation, the Queen must accompany her king to the other side.
In other words, the highlight of your honeymoon will be a trip to the royal crematorium.
Cease her! Patrol change! There’s too many guards.
How far across the courtyard is the next section of wall? About-- twenty lengths, why? Hey, what are you doing? Now, listen.
What’s going on? Come on, over here! No, this way.
This way.
Hold that wall, I heard it! Hey!That’s great!You gotta teach me-- Nice catch.
OK.
All right, men.
Everywhere we turn, there’s guards.
There must be an entire regiment in here.
We better wait here till they pass.
How are your eyes? The stinging’s getting worse.
The sumac’s settling in.
Then, it may be too late for you.
Maybe.
Is your friend really worth all this? I’d give my life to save her.
You see, friends make you vulnerable.
That’s why I don’t have any.
Oh, is that why? You don’t like me very much, do you? I don’t like who you pretend you are.
What do you mean, pretend? I’ve met a lot of bad men.
They’ve hardened their hearts.
You’re not one of them yet.
What are you talking about? I’ll show no mercy.
I’m not buying it.
It would have been pretty easy for you to leave me hanging off that ravine, but you couldn’t.
You know why I saved you.
So you can kill me in combat? I’m not buying that, either.
You had your chance in the marketplace.
You know what? I don’t think you’ve ever killed anyone.
Are you crazy! I killed Krakus of Pyla.
No, you didn’t.
What makes you so sure? Because, I did.
Be careful, Palamon.
We all eventully become what we pretend we are.
They’re gone.
Let’s go.
Yay, gods.
Bear witness to the holy wedlock of this mortal couple, bonded for all eternity.
Let no man put asunder what the gods, in their infinite wisdom, have blessed.
And now for a sip from the wine of Dionysus, to-- consecrate this holy bond.
Close enough.
Oh, gods on Mt.
Olympus if this union is not blessed, give us a sign.
I now pronounce you King and Queen.
My lords, ladies.
You common people.
May the gods bless our royal couple! Yay! Congratulations, your Deadness.
And as for our Queen, I’m terribly sorry for the tragedy you two will suffer on your honeymoon.
Pity- you seem so-- happy together.
Put it there.
Throw them in! Nice.
You’re right, this place is crawling with guards.
Yeah, you better stick close to me.
Careful, Palamon.
It’s beginning to sound as though you might care.
Burn them both.
It was so dreadful; a horrible, tragic accident because the king and Queen had to be cremated-- at once! Which way? Hello.
If you are Xena, the gods have answered my prayers.
I’m Vidalis, friend of the bride.
Leather, huh?Bold choice.
Where’s Gabrielle? Uh, Apex and his men have taken her to the crematorium.
She and the king are to be cremated.
I _could_ show you, but-- Let’s go.
And now, the Queen.
Let me out! This is it.
Xena.
Sorry to start without you.
Your little friend’s about to journey to the other side.
Where’s Gabrielle? Problem with your eyes, Xena? She’s blind.
Toss her in with her friend! I can’t breathe in here! Gabrielle? Xena.
Gabrielle.
Gabrielle, hang on! Xena.
Out of my way, fishcake! Gabrielle!Gabrielle! Gabrielle.
Gabrielle.
Gabrielle.
Xena? Are you all right? I’m OK.
I’m OK.
I’m OK.
What’s wrong with your eyes? I’m blind, Gabrielle.
There must be something that we can do, that The cure is Egyptian senna.
You can get it in Athens, but by the time we get there, it’ll be too late.
Egyptian senna? I have that growing in my garden.
Well, you can’t make a good face cream without it.
OK, you ready? Now, this might sting a little bit.
Look, I’ll try to be careful, all right? Here, tilt your face up towards me.
How was that? OK? Any change? Now, that’s a sight for sore eyes.
You can see.
I can see.
That’s good to hear.
All right, Palamon.
I’m ready now.
If you still want that fight, you’ve got it.
I was right about something, Xena.
What was that? I said I could learn something from you, and I did.
Oh? That you are who you pretend to be.
So you better pretend to be something you can live with.
I think I’m gonna pretend to be good for a while.
See how things work out.
I think you’ll like it.
Thanks, Xena.
You know, he’s kind of attractive when he’s not kidnapping me.
I agree.
You know, he and I dealt with those guards quite handily.
I think I might follow him and see if he needs a-- sidekick.
You know, it’s pretty good work, if you can get it.
Gabrielle, you are a great lady.
Thank you, Vidalis.
Shame about the hands, though.
Bye.
You know, this hasn’t been very good for my self-esteem.
He didn’t like my hands, my walk my stomach, my curtsey.
Can you curtsey.
I, I hate you, In a good way.
What about that royal wave thing, huh? Oh, yeah, two hands.
Check it out.