About a Boy (2014) s02e19 Episode Script

Yeah, and then he was like, "I will look for you.
"I will find you.
And I will 'kall' you.
" That is such a good Liam Neeson.
Thank you.
If he were a drunk leprechaun.
Hey! You could not do better than that.
I will look for you.
Oh.
Oh.
I will find you.
And I will kill you! Oh! Oh, hi, Fiona.
I'm so sorry.
We just saw this movie where Liam Neeson, like, kills an entire country with his bare hands.
Don't even bother explaining.
She doesn't like anything that's fun and violent.
Hey, we got a single malt calling our name in there, so let's go.
Hey, no, I live alone.
I know what's it like to have to take out the trash by yourself at night.
Well, this is actually compost going in the worm hole, Liz.
But thank you.
Point applies.
Nice to have an empathetic person around, Will, a human.
You know what has made me feel safer? Krav Maga.
Yeah, it's Israeli self-defense training.
It's very empowering.
Do you know, my friend Moishe on the kibbutz, he was always trying to get me to try Krav Maga, but I was always too busy making the babka.
You know, you could come with me.
Yeah.
That'll be fun.
I'll text you.
Will has your deets, right? Yeah, totally.
I got her deets.
And I'll get those to you.
You go get comfy.
I'll go get those to you right away, all right? Get cozy.
Back off, babka.
What? I like that girl very much, and any time you get near someone that I like, bad things happen.
But I happen to like her, and despite her very questionable taste in men, I'm going to hang out with her.
She's nice.
So I'll give her my deets myself.
Fine, but if you figure out a way, with your weird compost voodoo, to ruin what I have going with that adorable girl in there, I will look for ye.
I will find ye.
And I will kill ye.
God, you sound like the Lucky Charms fellow.
That was perfect Liam Neeson.
You know it! What is this chaos on the screen, buddy? My last text exchange with Shea.
I sent her heart, heart, flame, winky face, winky face, sumo wrestler, obviously, heart.
Right, okay.
And she sent me Skull.
Oh, that's what that is.
The point is, our emoji trade deficit is at record levels here.
Okay, that's not a thing.
Sure, it is.
That initial frisson we first felt when we came together, it's fading, Will.
Here's the deal: You just need to take Shea on a great date, okay? The best date I ever went on, when Sam and I just really started to connect, we walked by this fountain, and we ended up liberating these pedal boats.
Pedal boats! Is there no end to your genius? No end.
It's the perfect plan.
I'm going to pedal up the romance with Shea, and you're coming along to help.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, chaperoning and romance do not go hand-in-hand, my friend.
Well, neither do romance and drowning.
I need you there, Will.
I swim like a stone.
- I'm already texting Shea.
- Oh, boy.
Okay, just be honest - with me here.
- Mm-Hmm.
Is 16 winky faces too much? - Yes.
- You're right.
- 17 it is.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hi.
So I have a favor - Ooh! - To ask you, and it's annoying and lame, and I'm really sorry.
Wow, annoying and lame.
Are you trying to drive me wild with desire? Can you pick Clay up after practice and just, like, hang out with him for a couple of hours? Oh, uh, I would absolutely love to.
I'm chaperoning Marcus on a date.
It's so important to him.
It's gonna be funny.
Here you go.
Okay, I don't want to be that girlfriend, but Earlier, you got a little weird when Fiona and I were talking about hanging out.
And now you're picking her kid's thing over my kid's thing.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
Hold on.
Hold on a second.
Well, I mean, you have to admit you guys do have kind of a-- It's a strange relationship.
No, she's strange.
I'll give you that.
No, but she and I are totally normal.
Hey, can you do me up? Oh, my God, did Kofi annan come out with a women's line of clothing? Zip it, J.
Crew.
Literally.
Hello, Liz! Looking forward to our Krav Maga sesh.
Have you seen my moccasins? Pointy toe or round toe? Pointy.
Oh, they're hideous.
Yeah, they're under your couch.
You liked them before.
What time would you like me to pick Clay up? - 2:30.
- That's perfect for me.
All right, how is having your girlfriend's son on my date a good thing? Listen, I can't be a third wheel, all right? You need a fourth wheel to balance the vehicle.
Balance the vehicle? Is that a thing? No, not really, but just trust me.
Don't worry.
You won't even know he's here.
Ahoy! Me and my lady seek your fittest plastic vessel.
This one should suffice.
Be she polished and seaworthy? She be 10 bucks, no refunds.
Wait, life vests optional? Who wouldn't take an option that could save your life? Actually, I'm--I'm good.
Yeah, it's, like, all right, Marvin? I think you're gonna be okay.
All right, first, it's Marcus.
And second of all, you obviously haven't read the same safety blogs my mom and I do.
All right guys, listen up.
There ain't no shame in the safety game, all right? Dude wants a vest, he's going to get a vest.
You look like a woman's small.
Those are out back.
I will return in the blink of an eye.
So what are you listening to? He can't hear a word you're saying.
Don't even bother asking questions.
Just stare out at the water.
Actually, it's these guys, No one really knows them, though.
Really? Wait, when'd you get that? Oh, today with a Sharpie, but if I can save up enough, then I'm gonna get it for real.
Oh, you should go to my guy.
He's the best.
Hey, just put your shirt down.
What's wrong with you? Marcus is about to come back-- Are you two lovebirds going in or not? They're not lovebirds.
They just met.
They're not together.
Actually, we have a class together-- world civ.
- She never shows up, so I-- - Hey, hey, hey.
He's not writing a book about you.
I don't care what you are.
You're holding up my line.
Oh, sir, no.
Wait, hold on.
Marcus, Marcus! Right, who's ready for a sensible balance of fun and safety Where's my lady going? All right, you got to look on the bright side, buddy.
You and I get to go boating together.
You don't get seasick, do you? All right, if Liam Neeson can jump out of a helicopter into a powerboat, we should be able to get you into that thing if you could just help me out with a little more pedaling.
Ugh.
All right, one question.
Why is the sky so cloudy and dark? I thought the weather was clear today.
What are-- - Whoa.
- What? You are having a major allergic reaction.
Your meds are back in my car.
It can't be.
I haven't eaten anyhthing since my gluten-free cereal this morning, and it's not pollen season yet.
Unless Oh, latex.
The devil's fabric! - Get it off me, Will! - Whoa! Don't rock the boat! Get it off before it's too late! Ah! Whoo! Okay, your turn.
Go ahead.
Just give him a swift kick to the throat.
Trust me; This feels amazing.
- You got this.
- Okay, okay.
Beep.
Oh.
I'm not very good at it.
You know what helps me? If I think of someone I really despise.
If I tell you who I picture, do you promise not to judge me? Oh, yeah.
No, go on.
Tell me.
Okay.
It's the mean moms at school Gossiping about which mom brought the pepperoni pizza to the bake sale.
Well, you know what? That was me, because I work for a living, Kaitlin! I salute you, fellow warrior mother.
Oh.
Ah, okay.
- Got to work on my fiving.
- Yeah.
Let's try that.
I can't believe Will thought something bad would come from us hanging out together.
Well, he clearly knows nothing.
Well, I've been saying that for a long time, although he never listens, obviously.
He's so arrogant and rude and impossibly vain.
And he never, ever, no matter how many times I tell him, recycles! Anybody else? All right, buddy, you're still in the game here, all right? You just need to perk up a little bit.
Get your lady a soft-serve ice cream, and take her on a little stroll around the park.
You know, Will, I'm beginning to think you may have given me the wrong allergy medicine.
No, no, no, double dose of blue, just like your mom's song says.
Get them wrong, and you will Oh! Frown.
Marcus, are you okay? Oh, no.
No, he's fine.
Yeah, he's-- He looks awful, dude.
He needs a nap.
No, he's just a little tuckered out for all the partying he did last night.
But he told me he spent last night learning this new knitting stitch called the cable and twist.
Oh, that's not a knitting stitch.
That's a dance move from Japan.
It's on YouTube.
I'm surprised you guys haven't seen it.
You know, the arm thing? It's like a One of those things, and then-- Marcus! Yeah, he's fine.
He's fine.
That's the end part of the dance move, where you do the kneel.
He was just getting into it.
All right, guys, let's go get some soft-serve.
Right over there.
They got the good stuff.
Here we go.
Uh, bud, what flavor are you gonna get? Blueberry? Yeah, I like blueberry too.
I'm gonna get chocolate this time.
Give me that.
You suck.
I do not.
You suck.
No, you suck.
No, you suck.
Hey, hey, hey, guess what.
You both suck, okay? Time to go, Shea.
Hey, um You know, we should hang out again.
I'll call you.
What was that? Did you just ask her out? 'Cause she is spoken for by this awesome little dude right here.
You know what, Will? I'm gonna walk home from here.
Clay, I'm not done with you.
You--hey, don't put your foot on-- hey, Clay? Yeah, you keep walking.
Chin up, dude.
Literally, man.
Let's get that thing closed.
I have to say, you could not be cooler, especially considering what's going on with our kids right now.
What is going on? Will didn't tell you? - No.
- Ugh.
Well, apparently, my son, Clay, tried to steal Marcus's girlfriend.
He is such a little monster.
- Did he? - Yeah.
You know, I bet Will didn't tell you because he was afraid you would, like, freak out or something.
Why do guys always do that? It's like just because we're moms, we can't be calm, rational people? That's ridiculous.
I mean, I do feel really bad, but what are you gonna do? Kids will be kids, right? Unless you want to be one of those insane helicopter moms who is afraid to let her child feel a moment's disappointment.
- Yeah, God forbid that, though.
- Mm-Hmm.
That would be crazy, wouldn't it? I mean, and we're not crazy, are we? Are we? Coffee, please.
Thank you.
Oh, hey, Shea.
Hey, I have homework to do, so I'm not really in the mood to talk.
Oh, me neither.
I hate talking.
No I'm just here for the coffee.
I love it here.
Really? Coffee's terrible here.
All right, fine, look.
Shea, I'm here to stop you from making a huge mistake.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Shea, let me just-- just answer me one question, okay? What does this--what does this Clay kid have that Marcus doesn't? I--I don't know.
It's just, he's into all the same stuff that I am.
And Marcus is--he's just still such a kid.
Yeah, I mean, I hear you.
I hear you.
You know, he may be on the sheltered side.
You know, and he may still occasionally nap with a blankie.
He naps with a blankie? Scratch that.
I never said that, okay? Look, there are so many cooler guys in the world than Marcus, all right? But, Shea, there is no one with a bigger, sweeter heart and a goofier, braver spirit than Marcus.
And I will take that over that polished act Clay's got any day.
Um, excuse me.
Oi! Those precious to you, are they? Uh, yeah.
Well, I'd like you to imagine what it would feel like to have something that you cared about deeply ripped out of your hands, 'cause then you'll understand how my son feels.
Okay, look, Mrs Will's neighbor.
Um, I didn't rip anyone away, okay? I'm not sure you get how liking someone works.
Oh, you're not sure I get that.
Mm-Hmm.
Well.
I would just like you to consider the karmic implications of your actions, because did you know the Buddha teaches that for every selfish act, a seed of pain is planted inside your consciousness that will one day blossom into a great big tree of suffering? Uh, yeah, my tree's good.
Really? You're not having those Those are mine.
Give those back.
Promise me that you won't steal Shea.
Promise! You're crazy.
I have not begun to bring the crazy.
Basketball's not your sport, is it? Ladies.
Hey, we have a situation.
Oh, yeah, we have a situation.
You allowed your girlfriend's son to ruin Marcus's date and probably his life.
Okay, the important thing is, I am doing something about it, all right? Well, I'm doing something about it.
I've done something about it.
Bloody hell.
Listen, stay right there.
I am not done with you.
Hi.
What were you thinking, accosting my kid at school today? I didn't accost him.
We were having a conversation.
- Well, because he told me - Oh, come in.
that you stole his headphones and then you threatened to "bring the crazy"? Yeah, well, that's just cockney rhyming slang for something.
- What? - Well, nothing that you'd understand, actually.
And you know what? I did accost him.
I did.
But he started it.
Wow, I cannot believe I thought you were cool.
I am cool.
Hey, guys, what are you talking about? And of course you're here, at your neighbor's house, mm-hmm.
Are you aware that she basically mugged my child today? What? I did not mug your child.
I confiscated his headphones, and he deserved it.
Remember when I was telling you how whenever you get near someone I like-- what was it, good things happen or bad things happen? I forget.
I was just protecting my son.
Yeah, by butting into something that had nothing to do with you.
- What? - Kids need to make their own mistakes, you know.
That's the only way they learn anything.
Two women, two parenting styles.
I think we should agree to disagree and go get some cookies.
that is the most facile, tiger motherish thing to say.
You know why your son doesn't need protecting? - Why? - 'Cause he's the bully.
Oh, that's interesting, coming from a woman who threatens a child half her size.
Oh, oh, oh! We're going to do the tall girl jokes now, are we? Well, hey, if the gigantic shoe fits Get ready! Oh, you watch yourself.
I am a Krav Maga level seven.
Well, I am a mama bear level eight.
Ladies, ladies, ladies! As much as I would like to watch you guys go at it and tear each other's clothes off, just get in there, ah, I need you to relax and chill! - Ooh! - Oh, my gosh, are you okay? Yeah, I was trying to tell you that I talked to Shea and I think I really may have gotten through to her.
Well, do you think she'll change her mind about dumping him? I do.
Ugh, this is the strangest relationship ever.
Will, Mom! Clay's mom.
I don't know what happened while I was unconscious, but it must have been pretty good, because I just got a text from Shea saying, "We need to talk.
" I owe it all to you, Will.
That's what "we need to talk" means? Are you sure? So sorry, buddy.
Look, you know, all I can say is, I've been in your shoes, and it's just-- You've had the girl you're crazy about leave you for somebody else? N-no, not exactly.
But, you know, there have been things that I've wanted - that I haven't gotten-- - She's not some new iPhone there's a waiting list for.
She's my heart and my soul and She's here.
"She walks in beauty, like the night "of cloudless climes and starry skies.
"And all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.
" That was so beautiful, man.
Is that John Mayer? Lord Byron, you handsome dummy.
Well, I guess this is it.
Got to go have the talk with her.
Listen.
If you need help, I'll go down there with you.
No.
I need to do this one on my own.
Hey, you--you said you wanted to talk? FYI, I just found out what that means.
Yeah, uh God, this is so hard.
Have you--have you read the Fire Be With Me books? I have not.
Well, um, there's this sorceress, Meeha, and she--she has this awful decision to make.
She has to choose between Kade, the man-wolf, and Soren, the wind whisperer.
Yeah, I'm just gonna take a wild guess that in this analogy, I am not the man-wolf.
And the thing is, she really likes the both of them, just in different ways.
And she goes back and forth for, like, hundreds of years.
That's--that's kind of how I feel.
I like you.
I really do.
But I--I also like somebody else, and it's really confusing.
Does that make sense? Not really.
I mean, you're my favorite.
I'd never go back and forth about you.
Marcus, that's what makes this really hard.
You're just so sweet.
I get it.
You don't feel the same way that I do, and you feel too bad about hurting me to come out and say it, so I've got to say it for you.
Good-bye, Shea.
It was brief, but it was beautiful.
Thanks for letting me get to know you.
You turned out even greater than I thought you would.
And I thought you'd be pretty great.
Oh, darling, I do know exactly how you feel.
It's like you're in a tidal wave of heartbreak that is threatening to sweep you into an ocean of grief.
I--I think what your mom is trying to say is, you know, you kept your dignity, man, and we're just so proud of you for that.
What good is my dignity? Can my dignity hold my hand on my way to school? No! Can my dignity kiss me four times? No, darling.
You only kissed her four times? Would you shut up? I'm sorry, but he-- he was going out with her for, like, months.
I may have missed her lips a couple times, caught some earlobe instead.
Well, that's still face, man, so that counts.
You know, Will, the only beacon of light shining in the black sea of despair that is my heart is knowing that I'm not the only one who'll be alone.
That's right.
That's a really good way of looking at it.
Your mom is all alone too.
Yeah, thank you for bringing that up right now, Will.
No, I meant you, Will.
As my best friend, there's no way you could continue going out with the mother of my sworn enemy.
Darling, little bear, it's all right; Mummy's here.
I'm gonna go warm up this tea here.
Nobody wants to stay at the Heartbreak Hotel, - darling.
- _ You don't ever need a girlfriend, darling.
You've got mummy.
You don't need a girl.